


Somewhere Inside

by ficdirectory



Series: Disuphere series [4]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Ableism, Alternate Universe, Cerebral Palsy, Depression, Disability, Dissociation, Disuphere Universe, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Flashbacks, Food Issues, Gaslighting, Gen, Implied/Referenced Neglect, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Torture, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Racism, Self-Harm, Trauma, Verbal Abuse, emotional flashbacks, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2020-01-04 21:51:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 70
Words: 160,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18352409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficdirectory/pseuds/ficdirectory
Summary: Jesus Foster and his sisters, Mariana and Francesca, make a return trip to Minnesota to visit an old friend.  She hasn't told them that she has a secret and Jesus, in particular, doesn't do well with surprises.





	1. Chapter 1

Levi West hangs out in bed for as long as he can, before he legitimately has to get up.  A 10 AM shift at the grocery store in town says so.  According to the clicking of little pug dog nails on the wood floor above him, Cleo has been awake for probably five hours now.  Pearl, for about the same.

But Levi is so not an early riser.

He gets up and pulls the blanket to rights on the bed. His room is small here.  Much smaller than at home.  The ceiling is low.  The bed is narrow.  But somehow, everything seems warm and comfortable.  A little not of this era.  Everything from Levi’s cream and brown sheets with old-timey cabins and trees that seem ancient to the knitted log cabin blanket with every color.  (He suspects Pearl made the blanket, but he hasn’t asked yet.)  There’s a tiny bedside table draped with some kind of fabric.  A lamp.  A chair in the corner, but no desk.  

Levi gathers his uniform from the chair and walks upstairs.  Finds Pearl on the couch with a wad of green yarn.  

“Cleo!” he says, making Pearl startle.  

For her part, Cleo turns and smiles a doggy smile at Levi, but stays put with Pearl.  

“Morning,” she offers.

“Morning,” Levi returns, feeling uncomfortable.  “Gotta shower and then I have work.”

“Do you need a ride?” Pearl asks, her brown eyes fixed on him.

“I’ll be okay,” he promises, ducking into the impossibly small bathroom and locking the door behind him.

Levi fills his head with thoughts of what all he has to do today.  He’ll have to get the grocery list from Pearl before he leaves.  Work til 4:30 and then probably come home for dinner and try to talk to Pearl for a few minutes.  (That’s still awkward, after nine months.)  Then he’ll probably go hang out in his room.

He steps out of the shower.  Dries off.  Dresses in his uniform.  Swallows his secrets like they are glass.  Then, he opens the door.

–

Pearl still remembers the day last July when her whole world tipped, so it felt like she was sliding off its surface.  She’d felt like that once or twice before - just - never for a good reason.  But Levi was a very good reason - from what she could tell of him anyway.  

He was as genuine as they came, but with walls.  And behind those?  Even more walls.

Pearl understood.  Ever since she was a teenager, she’s been intimately familiar with walls and their function.  Then, six years ago, when she saw the reason for her own walls again?  They were reinforced with extra layers.

Losing Gracie recently hadn’t helped.  Gracie was her first service dog.  They’d had a bond deeper than one Pearl had known with any human.  Gracie’s the reason Pearl went the complete other direction when inquiring about a new service dog.  No amazing fox red labs.  Cleo was about as far in the opposite direction as she could get.  

Cleo was squished.  Stubby.  So ugly she was adorable.  And it didn’t hurt that Levi ended up adoring her.

Levi…

He certainly hadn’t come into her life in a traditional way.  Turning up on her doorstep out of nowhere…  The memory was etched in her mind.

The knock on the door.  Her checking compulsively out the window.  Seeing this kid standing there.  This teenage boy.  She remembered thinking “What is it about me that attracts the exact type of person I’m terrified of?”

She’d kept the chain on the door, but opened it a crack.  Because…well…for one thing?  Because he kinda looked like her.  And Deerwood wasn’t really known for its diversity.  

“Yes?” she’d said through the crack, not caring if she seemed like some cranky old cat lady at 37.

“My name is Levi,” he’d said.  His dark hair shone in the sun.  His brown eyes oozed genuineness and more than a little naivete.  He seemed like a boy scout.  “Levi  _West_ ,” he went on.  “I’m your brother.”

“I—I don’t have a brother,” she stalled.  She didn’t.  This was impossible.  Her mother had never married again after her dad died when Pearl was four.

Levi reached in his pocket, withdrew his phone, while Pearl had stood stiffly.  He clicked some buttons and then showed her the screen.

And her whole world came down.  Because the picture was definitely of her father, Paris West, holding a toddler-aged Levi, as both laughed together.

“My father’s dead,” she stuttered.  “H-He’s been dead since I was this age.  I don’t understand.”

“He is.  But it just happened in November,” Levi had looked so sorry.  “I don’t know what you were told…but he always wanted us to meet.”

“I’m sorry.  I need some time to wrap my head around this.”

“I understand.  My mom and I, she used to live here.  And we just moved back to town.  Here,” Levi handed her a thick manila envelope and turned to leave.

And Pearl had spent the whole of that day poring over its contents.  Pictures.  Most of him and Dad.  But there was one of Pearl around age three, with a striped shirt and hideous green courderoy pants.  Holding up a homemade school project as Dad hugged her from behind, looking so proud.  A letter from Levi, explaining everything he knew.

Because Pearl was no longer in contact with her mother, she called her grandmother, who knew everything about everything, and would tell her things her own mother wouldn’t. She was invited in for cake and coffee, but there were too many triggers in town, so Grandma sent the package.

Another manila envelope arrived two weeks later.  Big. Filled to bursting.  Curious, Pearl had opened it and found…mail.  Countless cards and letters.  All addressed to her.  All unopened.  The postmarks started in 1987 (when she was four) and stopped last year.  Every single return address, was handwritten:

_Love, Daddy_

Pearl had choked up thinking about him writing something on the cards, that perhaps Pearl - an early reader at two - could make out on her own.

She poured over them, getting to know the man she’d never had the chance to really know, beyond fuzzy memories of being tucked into bed.  Reading books together.  Him making her laugh.  Learned that he had left her mom after a falling out and he’d tried to take Pearl with him - was worried to leave her behind.   _But back then all the judges wanted to keep babies with their mamas, no matter what._

She’d remembered her own countless questions as a little girl about where Daddy was.  How her mom said “He’s gone and he’s never coming back.”

Pearl had asked, stunned, “Like,  _dead_?”

“Yes,” Mom had snapped.  And that was the end of that.

She’d never asked again.  Her mom had never clarified.  And it turned out, he’d been alive all this time.  It took a month for her to get up the guts to read Levi’s own letter.

_Dear Pearl,_

_My name is Levi Paris West.  I was born June 10, 2003 (Dad said we have the same birthday.)  I get this is a lot to take in and maybe you still don’t believe.  But I attached a copy of my birth certificate with the letter so you know I am for real.  If you ever want to, I’d love to talk.  Dad talked about you all the time.  Really loved you.  I hope you know that, and he hoped, too.  (218) 829-6845 (if you want to call or text) Levi_

It had taken weeks for Pearl to get up the courage to text Levi.  And once they started talking, they couldn’t stop.

_Pearl:_

_Hey, this is Pearl.  I looked at everything + more evidence on my own family’s side.  I’m so sorry for saying I don’t have a brother.  I meant I never have.  But I’d like to.  Need time to make sense of this._

_Levi:_

_It’s cool.  LMK when you’re ready._

_Pearl:_

_How’d you find me?  How did you know you wanted to?_

_Levi:_

_I mean, pretty much everybody in town knows you.  Plus I saw your mom in town waitressing._

_Pearl:_

_Awkward. (She and I aren’t in touch.  Long story.)_

_Levi:_

_Hey, no judgement._

Eventually, those morphed to late-night talks:

_Levi:_

_IDK what’s wrong w/ me.  Mom is great but I just can’t w/ her.  So different w/o Dad…_

_Pearl:_

_Mom-drama.  I’m well-versed.  If you need to vent I’m here._

_Levi:_

_Can you distract me maybe?_

_Pearl:_

_Well, I have this dog, Cleo.  We’re still getting used to each other, but she’ll do._

_Levi:_

_No way…  I’m such a dog person.  What kind????_

_Pearl:_

_Pug._

Levi had sent back heart-eyes.

Turned out, he wasn’t kidding about having Mom-drama.  Between that and the move, he was having major trouble making it work with just his mother here.  Levi had struggled about moving back to Denver, but not having family there anymore made the decision agonizing.

Pearl took a chance and invited him out to her place to meet Cleo and hang out.  Remembered giving Jesus a place to just be, and how much that helped him.  Maybe Levi just needed someplace to catch his breath.

He’d fallen in love with Cleo and joked about never wanting to leave.  But he kept a low profile.  Pearl had sensed him not wanting to come on too strong or make a pest of himself.  But she found that she enjoyed his company - and the odd things they had in common.  (Same birthday, 20 years apart, and same favorite color, purple.)

As things became less doable at home, Pearl noticed changes in him.  He seemed tired.  Drained.  Tense.  Still polite.  Still sweet.  Still ridiculously genuine…just…stressed.

He came when she invited him but he spoke less.  Seemed haunted by something, but it was not something he was ready to talk about.  Some days the only smile she could get out of him was when he and Cleo played together.

In September, he showed up with two bags packed to “say goodbye.”  And Pearl had done what any good sister would do.  She invited him in, set Cleo in his lap and let him take a minute to think things through.

“You don’t have to leave.  No one’s saying that.”

“I’m away from every memory of my dad.  This is home for my mom.  It’s never been home for me.  I lived here from kindergarten through third grade.  I barely remember it here.  It’s not home.”  

Pearl had watched him stop.  Swallow.  “I mean, I never want to leave when I stop in here, but I don’t belong here…”

“Who says?” Pearl had asked.  “We’re family, right?  That means this is your home, too.  If you want it to be.”

At the end of the month, Levi had moved in.  And over the last six months, they’d started to make a life together.  She liked having a little brother, but sharing space took a little getting used to.  It helped that he was quiet and willing to do almost anything she needed his help with.

But when she panicked one day a month later about what she was even thinking having some kid she barely knew live in the cabin with her, she had texted her longtime friend, Jesus:

_Things are a lot right now.  Really need to talk.  (Ideally, would love to see you but I know travel is not your favorite.)_

Jesus had texted back that he was celebrating a friend’s birthday, but would get back to her soon.

He did, and not at all in the way she imagined.

His getting back to her involved plans to come and visit after all.  In six months time.

Well, it’s April now - her least favorite month - and Jesus, Mariana, Francesca and a friend are coming up to stay for a week.  (Her neighbor, Frank Cooper, had passed away a few years back and left his cabin to his daughter, Stef, and her family.  They don’t use it much.  But Stef had been up recently to be sure it was habitable.)

They were coming.  And things were, no doubt, going to get interesting.

Especially as Pearl had no idea how to tell Jesus that she suddenly had a little brother.

–

Every time Levi drove into town now, he braced himself.  He had no idea what she drove, but he kinda wished he did.  Because then he’d be able to prepare a little in advance.  Rather than just running into her, like he had that day before he sought out to find Pearl.

He and his mom had gone out to eat at a local restaurant Mom loved and missed.  They had settled on their order before anyone had even asked what they wanted to drink.

“ _Hi there. My name is Carla. I’ll be your server today_.”

Across the table, Levi’s mom stiffened.

Gone were thoughts of the ham and cheese omelet Levi planned to devour.  Or the bites of pancake he planned to sneak from his mom.

Levi met their server’s gaze.  Disgusted blue-grey eyes.  He remembered those eyes. And just like that, the memory flashed through his mind.  Levi fought it back.  Focused on his menu.

“I’ll have…I’ll have…” he stuttered.

Mom reached out to cover his hand with her own.  “He likes the ham and cheese omelet.  And I’ll have the pancakes.  You okay, baby?” she asked, once Carla walked away.

“Yeah,” Levi managed, smiling back at his mom.  “I’m fine.”

Levi closed his eyes.  Tried to breathe. When the food came, he made himself eat it all, because that’s what he normally would do here.  He focused on talking to his mom.

But in the back of his mind, Levi knew.

It was time to find Pearl.

Here and now, Levi blinked.  Found himself somehow in the parking lot of the Super One.  Got out of the car.  Went to work.


	2. Chapter 2

Jesus can’t quite believe that six years after his disastrous family trip to Minnesota, he’s going back.

This time, without Moms.  But with safe people.  And with plenty of time to plan.  Val’s been here a lot helping him with packing and pacing.  (Because even now he has a tendency to rush.)

He’s hanging out at Avoidance - this awesome picnic table in this awesome park where no one ever comes - except Dominique, Mariana and Francesca.  But today, Dominique’s working, Francesca’s got school and Mariana’s got enough going on just getting through the day.  

The four of them have had plenty of meetings out here about the trip.  Sometimes, they’ve gone to Jaimie and Michael’s (Dominique’s parents’) to talk something through if they needed an extra set of ears.  It felt good to be able to rely on them.

Jesus is kinda stuck now, though.  He’s got a question and no one to run it by.  He can’t very well talk to his own Moms - whose idea of a heads up was like a day ahead of time - when it was clear, Jesus and The Avoiders needed every bit of their six months to plan.  Moms had thought about things Jesus needed in advance, but not enough.

He glances down at his dog, Dudley.  He’s a big lab-beagle mix with a great face and a nervous personality, but he can be strong for Jesus, and that’s exactly what Jesus needs:

“Dudley, what do I do?” he asks.

Jesus goes through people he could reach out to in his head.  Every one of them is busy now.

He breathes.  Walks back to his apartment and unlocks the door, knowing Val’s still there.

“Hey, I’m back for a sec…” he calls - a heads-up, so she’ll keep the zipping to a minimum.  (At Mariana’s insistence, all four had gone shopping for rolling suitcases.  So much better than dealing with duffel bags - but even rolling luggage has zippers…)

“What’s up?” Val asks, coming a few steps to the entry way.

“I got a question and there’s nobody to ask.”

“I’m somebody,” Val points to herself, smiling.

“Right.  Well, last time I went on this trip?  I kinda needed to hoard?”  (He tries to keep eye contact here, but it’s still embarrassing.)

“Okay.  You wanna sit for a minute?” Val invites.

Jesus picks an end of the futon.  Val picks the other.  (Dudley jumps up here, too, and puts his head in Jesus’s lap.)

“So, you’re worried about hoarding?” Val asks.

“Yeah.  I’d rather not do it, you know, if I can help it.  But I don’t know what needs to happen to make it…like…ideal…”

“Okay, do you feel comfortable closing your eyes for a minute?  I wanted to talk you through how I backtrack to remember things.  It helps to close your eyes.”

“You’re gonna sit right there?” Jesus checks.

“Yes.  You’ll hear me talk to you, but I won’t come toward you, and I won’t touch you.  If you ever need to stop, you can just open your eyes.  No pressure.”

Jesus breathes, and closes his eyes.  Concentrates on scratching Dudley behind the ears.

“So…think back to the last time you went to Minnesota.  You were in a cabin, you said, right?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.  Do you remember the first thing that happened that made you feel like you had to hoard.”

“Mariana saw the empty cupboards.  She commented on it.  Said, T _here’s nothing here_.”

“Okay.  You can open your eyes,” Val encourages.  “So, am I getting this right - that it might help if you had somebody do a little pre-shop for you?  Just so you guys don’t walk into a place with empty cupboards and a bare fridge.”

“Yeah.  That’s a good idea.  Thanks.  Come on, Dudley.”

When they’re back at Avoidance, Jesus calls Pearl.  

“Jesus, hey….” she says, and he can tell she’s happy to hear from him.

“Hey.  Do you still have a key to Grandpa’s cabin?” he asks.

“I do.”

“So, I know grocery shopping is your own personal hell…but I wouldn’t ask unless it was really important.  I wonder if you could pick up some stuff - food - and drop it off at Grandpa’s.  Just so I can see there’s food there.  Trying to avoid Hoarding 2.0.”

“Right.  I can do that.”

“Really?  I’ll totally pay you back.”

“Yeah.  Not a problem.”

“Thanks, Pearl.  You’re the best.  Can’t wait to see you.”

“Same,” Pearl echoes.

–

Pearl’s waiting for Levi when he gets home from work that afternoon.  Like her, he doesn’t really cook. And he doesn’t really eat a meal, he grazes.  She waits ‘til he settles at the table.

“So, you know my friends are coming from California, right?”

“Hmm?” Levi glances up from tossing a ball for Cleo.

“My friends.  They’re coming up from California for like a week.  They’re staying next door.”

“I thought that guy died…” Levi ventures, still quiet.  Still distracted.

“He did.  That’s not the point.  Can you stop what you’re doing and listen to me, please?” she asks, frustrated.

Immediately, Levi drops the ball.  “Okay.  I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” Pearl says.

Levi hasn’t touched his orange pop.  Or his pizza-flavored chips.  But she doesn’t comment.  He’s lived here a while, and he’s never been a big eater.  

“Your friends from California are gonna stay next door for like a week,” he prompts.  “I was listening.”  (It’s not an accusation, just a calm statement of fact.)

“And I was wondering if I could ask you to do an extra grocery run for them.  Just so they have some food when they arrive.”

“Okay…” he ventures.  “Will the money come from the money tree, or?” he smiles.

“Very funny.  I’ll give you money.  They’re reimbursing me.”  She slides a list across to him.

“Hostess chocolate cupcakes, baking chocolate, vanilla…  I wish our grocery lists looked like this…”

“Would you actually eat if they did?” she presses.

“I do eat.”

“Yeah, like a bird.”

“Okay but honestly.  Where am I supposed to find candy canes?  It’s April,” Levi wonders, exasperated.

“Come on.  Get creative.  Think peppermint.”

“You’re sure this isn’t a grocery list for elves….” Levi quips.

“Oh, stop,” she laughs.  Levi doesn’t.  “Are you doing okay?”

“I’m fine,” he says, offering her a smile. A shield.

–

He’s not doing okay.

He’s not.  And it’s been months.  And it seems like maybe, finally, Pearl’s noticing.

Sure, she could tell early on, when Levi was bald-faced about his struggles living with his mom.  But if he doesn’t talk about it, and if she has somebody to help her shop, it seems like Pearl doesn’t really see him.

Maybe it’s that she’s used to being alone.  Maybe she thinks having him here is too awkward.  Maybe the whole reason she’s having her friends here is that she wants him out of the way.  Levi doesn’t have the heart to ask.  And he hasn’t been able to open up at all to her about his real reason for being here.

He isn’t sure he ever will.

Levi takes his keys and the key to the cabin next door and steps out into the dark.  Pearl’s behind her curtain, headphones on.  She won’t notice he’s gone.

He walks through the aisles of SuperOne, filling a cart with a strange mix of junk food and healthy stuff.  He checks out in Lane 2 because Gladys is the only familiar face he knows.

“How’s Pearl?” she asks him.

“Fine,” Levi nods, watching the total go up higher.  Pearl had offered to give him money, but Levi makes his own here and barely spends it on anything.  He can spend it on this.

“Does she ever come out?” Gladys asks.

“Should I let her know you’re wondering?” he challenges, subtle.  He is nothing, if not respectful to his elders but Gladys has proven herself to be kinda rude.

“You can tell her her mother’s worried about her,” Gladys shoots back, undeterred.  “Carla’s done nothing but her best by Pearl and if that’s not good enough then…” Gladys sniffs.

Levi freezes.  His hands tremble as he reaches for his wallet.  He pays.

Drives the five minutes back, and stops in the drive next door.  Lets himself into the cabin that’s easily three to four times the size of theirs.  He flips on the lights and opens the fridge, wiping it out with paper towels and vinegar spray before putting anything in it.

He leaves the sweet stuff out in plain sight.  

Levi’s decided that maybe there’s a kid in this friend group, and that maybe, seeing treats will make them happy.  He makes sure the cupcakes, baking chocolate and giant box of Junior Mints candy (the closest he could find to anything peppermint) are all in plain view on a kitchen counter.

Then, he leaves, and locks the door behind him.

–

Francesca has been packing for this trip ever since her birthday, a few days ago.  She’s eleven now.  And the only thing she really wanted more than anything was to get to go to Minnesota with Jesus and Mariana and Dominique, her best friends.  (Jesus and Mariana are her brother and sister for real and Dominique is her sister because they chose it.)

But that gets Francesca thinking.  Because Jesus and Mariana were adopted into the family anyway.  And Francesca was born totally out of the blue and way early.  So it was kinda like they all chose each other anyway.

Anyway.

This trip is the only thing she’s really, really wanted since she was four and wanted the Doc McStuffins mobile clinic.  But Moms were totally against it, because they didn’t want Francesca to have any fun probably.  She got other presents, but not Moms’ permission.

Not until Mariana was a genius and said that if they let Francesca go with them, Mom and Mama could have some time to themselves.  Maybe do something special for Mom’s birthday, which was ten days after Francesca’s.

And bam.  

The minute Mariana said the magic word: break, Moms changed their minds.  And Francesca got her birthday wish.

Her favorite gift is a journal from Dominique.  Mariana downloaded her another Harry Potter book.  Jesus baked cookies with her.  Moms gave her clothes, which were good, because it was colder in Minnesota, apparently.

But at least no snow, she hopes.

She’s imagined running away before, but never actually tried it.  This is as close as she can get.  And with The Avoiders there would be safety in numbers.

Francesca tucks her blanket in the green rolling suitcase she got on The Avoiders Suitcase Shopping Trip.  She puts her journal in, too.  Plus a real book version of Harry Potter that she found in the house.

Then she takes out her journal and writes:

_I am going on a trip tommorrow, it is with Mariana and Jesus and Dominique.  They are my best friends.  I am so glad I am 11 so I can go now.  It is going to be the best.  P.S. I still have not told Jamie abt The Thing yet and its’ like Dominique promised.  We are still friends. - Francesca_


	3. Chapter 3

“Levi.  Levi!”

He groans and rolls over.  “What?”

Through blurry eyes, he can just make out Pearl standing at the side of his bed.  Cleo is trying desperately to jump up here.  Still half-asleep, Levi reaches down and scoops up the dog.  Lets her get comfortable.  Levi is on his way back to sleep when he hears Pearl’s irritated voice again.

“Levi, I am serious.  You need to get up.”

“Why?”  He’s whining.  But he doesn’t care.  He doesn’t have to work ‘til 3:00 today.  So, that means he should get to sleep til 2:30.  He knows it’s not 2:30.  It’s still way too early.

“Because, we need to rent the car and drive to the airport.  It’s three hours each way, and we need time to rent the car.  Get up.  I am serious.”

“I have work at 3:00,” he mumbles, petting Cleo.

“Then why did you tell me you’d traded your shift and that you’d go with me last night?”

Levi tries to think back.  He’d arrived back at the cabin, wanting nothing more than to get to his room and be alone, but Pearl was there asking all kinds of questions.  He always found it easier just to say yes.  Turns out that strategy had come back to bite him.

“I literally have no memory of this conversation.”  Levi says, finally sitting up.

“Maybe if you actually listened when I spoke, you’d recall it.”

“Sorry.  I’ll call and see if somebody can switch.”

“We have to leave in 20 minutes,” Pearl insists.  “Get a move on.”

Lucky for him, it’s spring break, which means all the high school kids who worked at SuperOne are available and they want hours.  It takes some convincing to give away a 3-11 shift, but he manages.  

When he heads upstairs to take a shower, Pearl looks like she wants to murder him.  

“You showered last night!” she calls, exasperated.

“So?” he returns, as smart as he dares.  He showers in a hurry.  Throws on clothes.  He’s waiting in the car in 16 minutes.

Pearl and Cleo follow.  They get in back.  Pearl gives him directions to a local rental place. Levi’s ready with his school ID and his cash.

“You have to be 25 to rent a car.  To drive it, too.”

Levi’s mouth drops open and he wordlessly follows Pearl inside.  Waits as she signs paperwork and eventually gets keys to an SUV.  He goes to get in the front passenger seat and she snaps at him.  

“Not there.”

“Okay….” he says, dragging out the word.  He opens the back door and climbs in the seat diagonally behind Pearl.  “Here?” he asks.

She nods.  Tense.

They drive in silence for a while.  The only commentary provided by Siri or whoever on Pearl’s phone giving them directions to the airport.

“So…I had to get up out of bed, switch my shift and come with you, so I could sit back here?”

“No.  Levi, you said you’d come with me last night.  You could’ve said no.”

“ _Could I_  have?” he presses, hurt.

“Yes.  But I thought, based on our conversation last night, that you wanted to meet my friends.  Apparently, you don’t, as this is all new information…”  Levi’s not used to her sarcasm.  It hits wrong.  Like meanness.

“Maybe because it is…” he stresses.

“We had already discussed it and you agreed,” Pearl insists.  “That’s the only reason you’re here.”

–

Pearl has no idea what Levi’s problem is.  All she knows is that he is the personification of waking up on the wrong side of the bed right now.  She hopes this mood he’s in won’t last.  She hates being behind the wheel anyway, but none of her friends are older than 25, so it’s got to be on her to rent the car.

Cleo’s curled in the passenger seat, watching everything Pearl does.

Her phone dings with a message.  She has a string of them now, all from Jesus:

_Awake._

_Leaving._

_Airport :(  Francesca says safety in numbers._

_Plane.  Landing at 2:25 your time._

She’s confused until she realizes it’s not her own phone she heard.  It’s Levi’s.

“Hey, Mom…” he says quietly.  “Yeah, I’m up.  On the way to the airport.  No, I’m not traveling.  Just picking people up.”

Pearl tries not to be jealous of the fact that Levi has a mother who calls him at least once a week just to check in.  She’d never had that kind of relationship with her mother, and spent the majority of her life believing that her father was dead, when he wasn’t.

After he hangs up, Pearl drives in silence for a while longer.  Finally, she speaks:

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to drag you out of bed to come with me.  I really thought you wanted to.”

He shrugs.  “It’s okay.  I just…thought you needed me.”

“What?”

“Because usually I help out with stuff.  You need me.”

“Right.”

“But you don’t seem to  _want_  me here…” he ventures.

“Levi, of course I do.  I want my friends to meet you.  I want you to meet them.  Just…driving’s not my favorite thing.”

“So, I’m here as emotional support?” he quips.

“What’s wrong?” she presses.

“I haven’t heard a word about these friends.  You’re so secretive when you call or text.  You never video chat when I’m around.  I have no idea who they are.  So…I guess…I’m wondering why you’d think I’d be excited to meet strangers…”

“Because they matter to me,” she insists.

The air is heavy with unspoken words.  Pearl meets his eyes in the rearview mirror.  He closes them.

“Do  _I_?” he finally sighs.

“Pardon?” she asks.

“Nothing,” Levi whispers.

–

Dominique doesn’t know what she expects but it definitely wasn’t to be missing Roberta her diva cat so much.  Mom and Dad had promised to take care of her while they were away.  Even drove them to the airport this morning.

She’s dressed as Kaz Kaan.  No giant Toblerone because security.  But she always feels more powerful dressed in a suit.  Francesca seems a little embarrassed but is trying not to show it.  Jesus is just trying to keep it together.  And Mariana?  She’s just trying to stay awake.

It’s hard to say exactly why Dominique agreed to come to Minnesota, other than peer pressure.  Not that Jesus or Mariana pressured her, but the last thing she wants is for The Avoiders to go somewhere while she is left behind alone.  

She has come to depend on them, and they on her.  So even though she has no idea who this Pearl is, if she’s important enough for Jesus and Mariana to plan for this long to come see her, Dominique’s willing to go.  Even just to hang out in the giant cabin Francesca keeps talking about.

Traveling isn’t easy for any of them.  LAX it turns out is every horrendous trigger that Jesus has, but with ample time to prepare, and lots of meetings at Avoidance, they had managed.  Now, the plane’s about to touch down and Dominique has never been more glad.  She really hates forced closeness in a confined space.

They hurry off the plane, and walk a bit until Jesus’s face breaks into the biggest smile.  He runs for this woman who’s probably 15 years older than he is.  Skids to a stop in front of her.  Dudley’s at his side.  He’d been scared on the plane, but held it together admirably.

Dominique finds chairs for Mariana and Francesca and goes for the baggage claim.  They decided early that they’d spare Jesus any sight of extra bags.  

But Dominique’s not expecting to be tailed by the younger guy who had stood behind Pearl.  Could be a friend.  Or a stalker.  She’s feeling pretty watched, pretty exposed, when he finally steps up.  “Thought you could use a hand.”

He’s soft-spoken.  Young.  Maybe high school aged, maybe newly graduated.  He’s neatly dressed.  But none of these things hold off Dominique’s suspicion.  “Jesus didn’t mention anybody was gonna be with Pearl…”

“Yeah, she didn’t really mention you guys either, so I’m not surprised,” he says.  “Levi,” he offers, keeping an eye out for their bags, even though he doesn’t know the first thing about what they look like.

“I tied all of ours with bright pink fabric scraps so they’d stand out.” Dominique offers, but keeps her eye on Levi.

“I see one,” he exclaims and goes into the fray, coming back with Mariana and Francesca’s suitcases.  “What color are the rest?”

“Yellow and purple,” Dominique fills in and Levi goes back in.  Emerging first with Jesus’s bright yellow suitcase, and eventually with her own purple one.  

“If we can just get the keys, then we can get these squared away…” Levi offers and before Dominique knows it he’s asking Pearl for the keys and they’re walking together toward the rental.

They’re both quiet.  Dominique doesn’t feel particularly at ease, but comfortable enough as Kaz to take care of what needs to be done.  She leans into the confidence the suit gives her, the disguise of  the pink wig and purple contacts.

“Long flight?” he finally asks, hefting each suitcase into the trunk, before she can even ask.

“ _Who cares what time it is–”_

_“–when the future’s an interminable abyss of wackness_ ,” Levi has joined to finish the Kaz Kaan quote.  Nobody knows Kaz Kaan.  Dominique has gone from mortified that she was quoting something Levi would never get to having him join her, and get it.

“Whoa..” she breathes.  “That’s never happened to me before.”

Levi just smiles.  “Okay.  So, their loss…”

“Right,” Dominique nods.  She’s still not ready to introduce herself but Levi doesn’t seem to be in a rush.

–

It doesn’t take long to realize that Kaz Kaan is the only person glad Levi is there.  The rest of Pearl’s company has been here before and had been counting on one on one time with their friend.  Levi’s heard names, but only remembers Kaz.

“Who’s he?” the little girl whispers to Kaz.  

“Levi.”

“Pearl, is Levi your boyfriend?” she asks, no tact.  No shame.

“He is, uh, my roommate.”

Gut-punch.  ( _Seriously_?)

“But Jesus said it was gonna be friend time with us and with you,” she points out, betrayed.

“Francesca.  Come on.  Manners,” Jesus reprimands.

“What?  I didn’t say it to be rude.” Francesca pouts.

“It’s okay.  You guys can hang out.  I’ll stay out of your way,” Levi assures.

For the rest of  the ride, Levi listens as Pearl makes conversation with Jesus, Mariana and even Francesca.  While he and Dominique (he heard Francesca use Kaz’s real name once) are largely overlooked in the farthest of back seats.

He tries not to be bothered by Pearl’s awkwardness about him.  But she’d invited him to live with her.  He’d sought her out.  Claimed her as his sister before they ever met.  Dad made sure he always knew he had a sister, always knew she loved him.

But she’s not acting like she loves him.  She’s acting like he’s a giant pain.  And the way Pearl’s talking around stuff?  Makes Levi suspect the reason she invited them here in the first place is because she needs to vent.

About him.

Levi closes his eyes again.  Wishes he were anywhere but here.


	4. Chapter 4

Jesus tries not to be bothered by the presence of a random kid, but it has to be said: surprises are so not his thing.  And Pearl knows this.  So what’s the deal?

The conversation in the rental is stiff and kinda fake.  He’d been hoping to be able to let his guard down a bit when he got here - to breathe - to be honest and real about all the ways this trip was going better than the previous one.  And the ways he still struggled.  He’d been looking forward to having time with Pearl to really talk and understand what was up with her.

This kid - Levi - had to be one major part of what was happening.  He sat in the very back with Dominique.  She strangely seems okay with him, even though, with Jesus she had been nervous as hell.  He tries not to let it bother him.  But everything bothers him.

Like how much does Levi know?  Does he recognize Jesus?  Is this gonna be one of those weird as hell dynamics where he’s asked about all the worst parts of being There just to satisfy someone else’s curiosity?  Because Jesus is so not here for that.

Also?  Cleo.  There’s no denying she’s a cute dog.  A small, black pug with huge eyes and an innocent as hell face…but she is  _so_  not Gracie.  So far, Dudley is on his best behavior, probably just happy to be off the plane like Jesus is.  Mariana’s crashed, sleeping in the front passenger seat.  Francesca’s asking twenty questions about Cleo.

Jesus had prepped so extensively for this.  But he hadn’t planned for  _this_.

For Pearl to be actually living with somebody.  (Seriously?  What  _were_ they?  Roommates just sounded wrong.)  Jesus had it on good authority that Pearl is 37 and Levi looks like a pipsqueak.  Maybe 18.  The whole thing just made Jesus hella uncomfortable, but mostly the fact that he just wasn’t told about this.

Does Pearl not trust him anymore?

Six years is a long time.  A lot can change.  But Jesus never imagined it would change this much.

–

Mariana wakes up in time to feel the SUV slow and pull into Grandpa’s drive.  The cabin looks different without snow.  She hesitates at the drop.  The SUV is kinda high off the ground and her brain is all sleep-drunk.  Like, she can’t figure out how to get from the seat to the ground.

All of a sudden the new kid is there.  Mariana blinks.

“Need help?” he offers.  “Not sure we’ve met.  I’m Levi.”

Mariana just stares, speechless.  She has no words right now for random attractive strangers that offer help when she probably looks  _eggstra sleepy_  (like the egg pajamas she’s wearing under her jacket say.)

“I can give you a lift…” he tries again, and Mariana nods, against her better judgment.  

Once she’s on the ground, she mortifies herself, hanging onto him for balance.  She hopes he doesn’t think she’s one of those girls with zero boundaries.  

“Sorry.  Balance,” she manages.

“Hey, yeah, no.  I’m a fan of balance,” he says.

By now, Dominique’s joined them, pulling her own suitcase and Mariana’s.

“Jesus is inside,” Dominique passes along.

“That’s good,” Mariana nods.  She’s aware of Levi and Pearl at the back, unloading the rest of their bags.

They stand by while Francesca puts her shoes on and manages to climb down out of the SUV.  “I got out myself,” she says, breathless.  Proud.

“I saw,” Mariana nods with a smile.  She still feels like the minute she sees a bed, she’s gonna fall into it and sleep for a million years.  She doesn’t have her 16-year-old stamina anymore.  She misses it.

They walk inside together and find Jesus, with a huge smile on his face, taking in the giant box of Junior Mints and Hostess snack cakes and other junk food on the counter.

“Whoa!  Did Grandpa Frank send us candy from heaven?” Francesca asks.  (They’re not particularly religious but Francesca in particular seemed to need to believe that Grandpa went somewhere nice like heaven when he died.)

Mariana sees Jesus and Pearl exchange a knowing look.  Sees how Jesus smiles a little and nods his thanks at her.

“Yeah,” Pearl nods.  “See?  He remembers what you guys like, even.  How cool is that?”

Francesca pulls up a chair.  Touches everything.

“So….you guys know what you’re doing for dinner yet?” Pearl asks.  “Because, if not, I have a ton of soup that I was thawing in case you needed something quick.  It’s homemade,” she assures Jesus.

“Sounds great,” Jesus offers, relieved.

–

Pearl gets busy bringing over her massive supply of soup and warming it on the stove in a giant pot.

“What kind is that?” Francesca asks, coming up next to Pearl at the stove.

“This is chicken wild rice soup.  With some vegetables.”

Francesca wrinkles her nose.  “Jesus says you taught him to make hot chocolate on the stove.  I wish this was hot chocolate soup.”

“That would be interesting, wouldn’t it?” Pearl asks.

“Need help?” Dominique asks.

(Pearl still hasn’t gotten used to this new friend of theirs who’s dressed like a man with questionable taste.  She’s trying not to pass judgment, but they just don’t see many characters like this around Deerwood.  People would talk.)

“No thanks,” Pearl says, at the same time as Dominique starts opening cupboards in search of bowls.

–

The soup is weak and not seasoned well, but Jesus doesn’t have the heart to tell Pearl.  He adds salt and pepper on his own, hoping she doesn’t notice and take offense.

“So, tell us about your trip,” Pearl offers.  “Was it okay?”

“Better than last time, definitely,” Jesus nods.

“Dominique had to–” Francesca starts and Jesus shakes his head at her, hoping she’ll take the hint.

Francesca says, “Oops,” and ducks her head.  Jesus knows she’s still working on what’s private and what’s not.  Sometimes, it’s still hard for her to tell.

“It’s fine,” Dominique allows.  “Security.  You know,” she shrugs like it’s no big deal, but Jesus had seen how she locked eyes with Mariana during it, and Mariana just kept nodding at her and saying it was gonna be over soon.

Jesus was glad it wasn’t him this time.  And then, he felt selfish.

He sees Levi’s eyes get concerned as he listens to Dominique talk.  But he nods, like he understands, too.  Maybe he does.  Still, that doesn’t mean Jesus is ready to accept him just like that.

–

Levi stirs his soup. He’s not hungry.  He sneaked some Junior Mints from their candy stash, after he moved it out of the way for dinner. He doesn’t need anything else.  But he works slowly on a piece of bread, just to be polite.

“So, you guys have been up here before?” Levi asks.

“Yeah, but I don’t remember it.  I was four,” Francesca says.

“How old are you now?” he wonders.

“I just turned eleven,” Francesca grins, proud.

“Wow.  Happy birthday,” Levi returns, his mood lifting just a little.

“Thanks,” Francesca ducks her head.  “This is my present. Coming here with them,” she nods.

“That’s awesome,” Levi nods.  “I’m happy for you.”

The rest of the meal, though, no one talks to him.  They don’t really mention Dominique either.  Levi notices when she excuses herself and goes outside alone.  He doesn’t go after her, but he wants to.  Wishes they knew each other well enough for that.

Instead, he helps clean up.  Jesus is thorough, and keeps following behind Levi making second passes at everything, like Levi’s terrible at wiping up.  He tries not to be offended.

But if he’s honest?  This whole situation’s got him pretty offended.

He’s missing out on sleep and work, for what?  To be dragged along on a six hour car trip where none of the people even wanted him there or knew he existed?

It makes Levi wonder what he’s even doing here?  Living with Pearl?  Does she even want him in her cabin?  Is her inviting these four strangers and not saying a word about him her way of saying she’s over having him?  Has he overstayed his welcome?

Maybe he should just go home…

But where is that?

Back to Denver, where Dad isn’t, but where every memory of him lives and hurts because of how he just isn’t here?

Back to Brainerd with Mom, who has managed to put his every nerve on edge just by caring.  (But also by moving back here, when she didn’t know the first thing about what happened to him here.)

Finally, he steps outside.  It’s a nice night.  Cool.  He’s almost ready to head next door and hibernate forever, when his eyes catch a flash of pink at the end of the dock.

“Can I join you?” he calls softly, not wanting to startle Dominique by tromping down the dock.

She waves him down.  She’s on a chair, staring out at the water.

Levi sits on the dock itself and dangles his feet in.

They don’t talk.

–

“You know that thing in high school, where if you’re not in a clique, you’re nothing?” Dominique asks evenly, after a long silence.

“Yeah,” Levi nods.  “I just graduated, like, less than a year ago, so…”

“So, you  _know_ ,” Dominique says, sure.

“Yeah.”

“This is  _so_  like that.”

“Oh my God, I thought I was the only one…” Levi breathes.

“I can’t get past the feeling that…I don’t know…this feels like  _their_  trip.  I’m just the tagalong, you know?”

“At least people knew you existed…” Levi remarks.

Hurt flares briefly inside Dominique.  Remembering a time no one knew she existed.  But she takes a  deep breath.  Levi probably didn’t mean anything by it.  She’s about as anonymous as she can get here, even in full costume.

“So, what’s up?” she asks, serious.  “I mean, you’re obviously not  _just_  her roommate.”

“Oh, obviously…” he scoffs gently.  “Is it that obvious?”

“You’re not her boyfriend,” Dominique keeps going.

“Ew.  No.  Definitely not.”

“Why, definitely not?” Dominique wonders, intrigued.

“Because she’s my sister.  Half-sister.  We shared a dad.  Whatever.”

Dominique sits back, shocked.  “Wow.  How long have you been living with her?”

“Six months?” Levi squints behind him at her.

“ _Six months_  and she didn’t say a word about you?  That’s cold.”

“Right?” he asks.  He seems relieved to have someone know.  He’s quiet a while looking out at the lake. “I thought she wanted me here…and now…I’m not sure.  And it’s not like I have anywhere to go.”

“Well, I’m kinda stuck here for the next week…” Dominique offers.  “You can stick with me, at least until the week’s up.”

He offers his fist.

Dominique curls her own fingers against her hand.  Gives him a dap.  Solidarity.

He doesn’t even flinch.

Maybe the sun’s in his eyes.

–

“Where’s Dominique?” Francesca whines.  “It’s boring in here with all you guys talking…”

Jesus, Mariana and Pearl are drinking hot chocolate and eating snacks.  Francesca had drunk all her hot chocolate, eaten some chips and played with Dudley and Cleo, but she wants to actually do something.  All they want to do is sit and talk about stuff that annoys them.

“She’s out on the dock with Levi, but you can’t go out there without a life jacket,” Mariana warns.

“No fair.  How do you know that Dominique and Levi can swim?  They don’t have to wear life jackets!”

“They’re adults,” Jesus puts in and doesn’t help at all.

“I fell off that dock as a kid.  Your mom saved me.” Pearl shares.

“So, none of you would save me?  Mean…”

“None of us want to  _have to_  save you…” Jesus says, like that explains everything but it just makes Francesca feel more like an outsider.  And like she’s too much.

“The point is, I should’ve had a life jacket on,” Pearl says.

“The point is, this trip is zero fun…” Francesca complains and walks outside.

She walks as close to the lake as she dares, knowing Jesus, Mariana and Pearl can all see her from the giant windows.

She squints in the sun at Dominique sitting in a big white chair. Levi’s on the dock.  Francesca wonders if he’s got his bare feet in the water.  Wonders if Levi and Dominique are boyfriend/girlfriend.  Or if they will be after this?

She kinda wants to yell to them.  Tease them about it.  Because she feels left out, and she hates feeling left out.  But she guesses it’s better than being at home by herself, with Moms making her feel bad all the time.

Still, she misses Dominique.  Wishes she would come back.


	5. Chapter 5

The only fun thing that happens is right at bedtime.  Jesus tells Francesca if she wants, they can build a fort in the living room and sleep in it.  

“For the whole week?” Francesca asks.

“Yeah, if you want,” Jesus says.  She helps him spread a blanket and hold it down with a stack of big books.

“I do remember it here,” Francesca confesses softly.  “I told Levi I didn’t, but really I do.”

“What do you remember?” Jesus asks, not even mad that she lied.

“Falling down those stairs,” Francesca nods behind her.

“I remember that, too,” he says.  “I was so glad you were okay.”

“I wasn’t.”

“No?”

“I was scared,” she says.

“Right.  I should’ve said I was glad you weren’t hurt physically.”

“Do you remember after it, when everybody yelled at me?” Francesca asks.  After falling, that’s the part she remembers the worst.

“I actually wasn’t there for that part,” Jesus admits.  “I came right after.  Brandon came and got me from Pearl’s next door.”

“Oh.  Because if you  _were_  there, I probably wouldn’t have fallen in the first place, right?” Francesca asks, matter of fact.

Jesus winces.  Dudley perks up from beside him.  Like something’s wrong.

Francesca tries not to care if it was something she said.  Jesus is too busy with his friends usually to care if what he says hurts her.  He said he didn’t even wanna have to save her if she drowned.  Like she’s just some big pain in his butt.

Not his buddy, like he always says.

“Sorry I wasn’t there,” he says, soft.

Francesca shrugs.  “It’s okay.  I learned how to walk on stairs now, you know?  I could sleep up there if you want.  You could have the fort all to yourself.”

“I thought you wanted to sleep here,” he says, confused.

“I know, just if you want.  Like, if you’re sick of me.”

“Francesca,” he says.  She never knows what it means when people say just her name like that.

“What?” she asks.

“Why do you think I’d be sick of you?” Jesus wonders, like he really has no idea.

“Uh, maybe because you told everybody you don’t wanna have to save me if I drowned…  I mean, if you didn’t want me to come with, you could’ve just said…” she mumbles, looking away.

“I should’ve said I didn’t want anything bad to happen to you in the first place.  That’s what I should’ve said.  I meant, I care a ton about you.  Not that I don’t.”

“Are you kidding?” she asks, skeptical.

“No.  I’m serious.”

She sighs, relieved.  Leans close to Jesus.  “I feel left out here.  You guys said you wanted me to come, but nobody wants to do anything with me.  You just wanna hang out with Pearl.”

“I’m sorry for leaving you out, buddy.  I’ll be better about that.”

Promise?” she checks.

“Yeah, I totally promise.”

“Good.”

–

Jesus waits until Francesca is asleep and then gets up and quietly walks through the cabin.  First, he checks all the doors and windows to be sure they’re locked.  Then, he swings by the fridge and opens it to stare at Pearl’s leftover soup.  The raw veggies on a covered vegetable tray.  Curiosity has him opening the vegetable drawer and realizing that someone stocked it with all of their chocolate.

He can picture Francesca doing it, but also Levi, for some reason.  Neither option freaks him out, which is nice.

Overall, it’s amazing how much less anxious he is without Moms here.  Without any adults, really.  For a bit, having Pearl around for dinner had sparked a bit of old cleaning panic.  Where he ended up tailing Levi and wiping up after him.

Jesus remembers clearly Pearl’s disapproval from years ago, having watched Moms clean up breakfast and him and the rest of the kids not pitching in.  Usually, if he’s honest, he doesn’t notice the age gap, or if he does, he notices it in the cool way.  Like she’s wiser and stuff.  But there’s no denying that she’s wound up.  And even after all these years?  Being around other people’s anxiety makes him nervous.

He knows it’s probably because it’s anniversary month for her, and those suck, no matter how many of them there have been.  Jesus is glad they’ll be here for her on this one.

But Jesus knows they have to watch out for each other, too.  Apparently, Francesca already has been feeling left out.  So they have to be better about including her.

Jesus bends down and crawls into the fort they made.  Francesca sleeps curled on top of her navy blue sleeping bag (because she says she loves how the nylon feels even better than she loves the inside).  He pulls more blankets over her, and peeks out the tent flap to see Dudley has made himself at home on Grandpa’s couch.

“Night, Dudley,” Jesus whispers and closes the flap.  Then he lies down and breathes.  This is so much nicer than last time.  With plenty of blankets, and his little sis and Dudley for company.  And no risk of getting yelled at for sleeping under the table like he had to last time when he discovered that every single room here had a door.

Luckily, The Avoiders don’t care about how it looks if he and Francesca sleep in a fort.  For them, the name of the game is comfort and acceptance.

He’s glad to have finally found that here.

–

“So, what did you and Levi talk about?” Mariana asks, as she climbs into the giant bed beside Dominique.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you were outside a while…  I guess I just…figured you might not be super comfortable around him?  But you are?”

“Yeah, I am,” Dominique nods.

Under the covers, Mariana’s bare foot brushes one of Dominique’s shoes.  She remembers that Dominique sleeps in them and hasn’t mentioned it, because why make her feel awkward? Mariana’s still rocking her egg pajamas and Dominique’s in sweats.

“The costume helps.  You know, the suit?  I feel like it gives me confidence.”

“Is that why men wear them, you think?” Mariana muses, and she loses Dominique for a split second.  “Hey, are you okay?”

Dominique shakes her head.  “Yeah.  Just…maybe we don’t talk about men?”

“Fine by me,” Mariana sighs, relieved.  “I’m glad I get to sleep in here with you.”

“Me, too.  And Levi, I guess…he recognized who I was….”

“What do you mean?” Mariana’s curious.

“The character,” Dominique clarifies.

“Oh, I didn’t know  _that was_  a character…”

“He is,” Dominique nods.  ‘I kinda love him.  Rich, snobby, depressed as hell…”

“Aww,” Mariana laughs, sympathetic.  “Who are you gonna be tomorrow?”

“Hermione, I think,” Dominique yawns.

“Ooh, good choice.”

–

While she and Mariana are close, for reasons she can’t quite articulate, Dominique finds herself leaving out parts of her conversation with Levi.  

First, she seriously doesn’t wanna hurt Mariana by admitting that it feels like Dominique’s just along to carry luggage and help manage stuff the rest of them can’t.  That isn’t kind but it sure as hell feels true.

So far, Levi’s the only one she feels like she can be real with.

As much as she’s heard Jesus sing Pearl’s praises, Dominique finds she doesn’t feel comfortable around her.  She feels judged.  Wrong.  And the way she’s treating Levi, and seeming totally unaware of it just baffles Dominique, to be honest.  

Family is a lot of things, but it sure as hell isn’t supposed to be that.

Thinking of family has Dominique missing her parents, and Roberta.  It feels strange to be states away from all of them.  The last time she was ever really away from them, she’d been Francesca’s age.  

It had not gone well.

It’s hard enough when Mariana had brought up men in suits while they were lying in the bed.  It made her flashback to white businessmen loosening their ties for a second.  At least, Mariana’s good with boundaries.  Her memory for them is like a steel trap. It’s good because Jesus and Francesca can be forgetful, and Dominique needs to be able to trust at least one of them, seeing as she’s gotta live with them for the next week.

She thinks again of Levi.  Hopes he’s okay.  Hopes she can maybe get to know him more.  If it means she has to wear the suit all week, then that’s what it means.

She likes the courage it gives her.

And Dominique needs courage right now.

–

It’s easy with Dominique.  And Levi finds himself wishing that it were that easy everywhere.  But when it came down to it?  It was easy with Dad…and that still didn’t mean Levi could tell him anything.

Definitely not this.

To be the only one with knowledge of something?  Something quietly poisonous, like a snake?  Something that maybe lasted minutes but stayed locked up somewhere inside him?  Well, Levi doesn’t know how long he can keep this up.

Especially with everybody in town talking about what a great person…  Anyway, he gets what it’s like for Pearl here, at least to an extent.  They never talk about it.  Levi knows enough to know it’s not his business to bring it up.  

It’s private.

But it also kinda feels unspeakable.  Like, saying this…sharing it…might break a whole world.  A  whole entire life.  (It’s not like Jared mattered to anybody else.  But Levi likes to hope that even if that were true?  He’d still wanna pound Jared’s face in.)  ‘Cause no matter what?  He believes Pearl.  Believes what he knows about her.  It’s all Levi wants in return.  To be believed.  But things are already on shaky ground with Pearl.  Levi could go back to Brainerd and live with his mom.  But the loneliness there without his dad is suffocating.  

Levi had needed to get out.

Well, he’s out.

And it turns out no one out here really cares.

There are times when it feels so real that it paralyzes him.  There are the seconds he loses here and there throughout the day. (Daydreaming without dreams.)  Just blinking back to reality.  Usually in the bathroom.  But honestly it’s happened for so long, Levi can’t even say that it’s a big deal…except that it all feels connected.  It feels like a big deal.  Even when every part of himself is denying anything happened.

Certain things bring it back: being dirty is the biggest.  (There was this detergent commercial that ran a few years ago?  It ended with a little kid sliding into a mud puddle.  Just watching it made everything come back.)

_The sound of a hose running.  The mud.  How good it felt to squish in._

_How he’d sneaked back in the house, trying to hurry in case hurrying made his muddy footprints less.  Being caught anyway.  Being in so much trouble.  How she looked at him.  Like he was the most disgusting kid ever.  And the most disappointing, too.  Like she just hated him so much for messing up everything and being so dumb._

It’s why even now, in April when it’s muddy, he’s drawn to water - even if it’s freezing.

She never said she wasn’t gonna tell his dad, but she never did.  She acted like nothing happened when he came back.

So, Levi convinced himself nothing did.

He can’t tell Pearl.  He can’t tell anyone.

But not telling feels like it’s killing him.  He puts music on to drown out his thoughts.  Tries to sleep.  Hopes he won’t dream about her.

If it does, it’s not like Pearl will notice.  Unlike her, he never screams.  Because he doesn’t dream about what was done to him nearly as much as he has panic-dreams about just seeing her.  

It’s the fear he deals with every single day going out in public.  Going to work.  Going into town at all, if his mom wants to see him.  Levi knows that in any of those circumstances, or a million others, he might come face to face with her.

He hates living like this.  Hates how she scares him into doing nothing.  Saying nothing.

Being nothing.

–

April is Pearl’s worst month.  It’s yet another reason why she invited Jesus up here - and is glad it happened now.  Because she needs support.  Levi’s great, but she maintains that she cannot lean on him with this.  He’s just a kid.  Innocent.

Pearl’s not naive.  She’s sure he’s heard the town gossip.  But he’s too polite to say anything.  And she’s not ready for him to see her at her worst.  It’s bad enough thinking he hears her when she wakes up screaming at night.

She’s not sure what Levi’s problem is.  He’s been in a mood ever since this morning.  Rude and antisocial at dinner, going and sitting outside to talk to Dominique (who hadn’t bothered to speak to anybody either).

Okay, so Pearl gets she’s being harsh, and unfriendly.  She knows better than most that what a person projects for others to see is likely what they feel comfortable showing.  That everybody’s got their thing that they’re dealing with.  God knows she does.

She just really needs support right now.  She’d thought she had Levi’s but he had gotten up this morning like some other crabby kid came and took over his body during the night.  Instead of concerning her, it had thrown Pearl completely off.

Her company’s only going to be here a week, and then maybe she can get to the bottom of what’s going on with Levi.

Cleo snorts in her sleep, so much less cute than Gracie (who had run to catch imaginary squirrels.  God, she misses that.)  She tries to refocus her thoughts elsewhere but they end up on the dad that she didn’t even know existed.

She had all the pieces from Levi.  All the pieces from Paris.  From Grandma.

The one person she hasn’t yet confronted is the one Pearl knows she’ll have to face eventually.  She needs to ask her mother what the hell she was thinking lying to her for more than 30 years about this.

But her mother is a difficult person.  Limited in compassion.  (She clearly has some issues if lying to a four year old about her father being dead is any indication…)  By all accounts, Paris had been a doting father.  By all accounts, he had tried to get custody of Pearl.  It was the courts that didn’t allow it, preferring that unless there was egregious abuse or neglect, the child stay with their mother.

It makes Pearl wonder, though…  What might her life have been like had she lived with Paris?  Would he have still married Nia?  Would they still have Levi?  Could they have been happy?  

Or was Pearl just trying to fill the emptiness of her own lonely childhood?


	6. Chapter 6

Levi wakes up to Cleo barking.  It feels like the middle of the night.  But it’s already Monday, and by some cosmic joke, he has today off.  He’s been planning to sleep since he missed out on so much of it yesterday, but Cleo is just ridiculous.

Sighing, Levi goes upstairs to find her at the top of the stairs, looking ready to go out.  Pearl’s an unmoving lump under the covers on the couch.  She usually gets up and takes Cleo out, but it seems like all bets are off lately.

“Come on, girl,” Levi says, getting Cleo’s leash and a plastic bag.

There’s no denying it.  Cleo’s slow.  She’s got stubby legs.  And as cute as she is, she doesn’t seem in any big hurry, just peeing a little, and then wanting to sniff everything.  He casts a glance at the cabin where Dominique is staying.  Looks like it’s all quiet there.

He kinda wishes someone were up.  It’d be nice to have company.

Levi brings Cleo back in, finally.  Pearl’s still not moving, so Levi goes and feeds Cleo, hoping to keep her busy for a while longer.

“Did you take her out and  _then_  feed her?” Pearl grumbles.

“Maybe…” Levi ventures.  (He wishes Cleo weren’t such a loud eater.  That her food didn’t sound like a mini hailstorm.)

“Listen, I know you’re trying to help.  But just think things through, please,” Pearl sighs.  “She’s gonna have to go back out after she eats.  Did you even use the bag?”

Levi’s crouched beside Cleo, pretending to be interested in the dog.  He doesn’t pet her or sit too close, but he needs a distraction.

“No, but I brought it back,” he tries.

Pearl doesn’t respond.  Just finds a granola bar and a yogurt.  She disappears behind the curtain in the corner.

Levi’s so confused right now.  And even more so, when he catches Pearl’s disembodied voice, behind the purple LED lights.

“You might try being a little more social today…”

Levi raises his eyebrows at Cleo.  “Can you say, ironic?” he asks the pug softly.  “‘Cause that’s what she’s being…  Right now…”

In the end, Levi heads back downstairs and crashes for another couple of hours.  He wakes up again to the sound of Pearl’s phone ringing.  She answers only after it’s played several rounds of an annoying ringtone.

“Levi, you wanna go next door for breakfast?” she calls.

“I guess.  Let me shower.”

He’s up and grabs clothes.  Cleo wants to come in the bathroom with him.  She’s scared of the water, but also wants to play in it.  Levi hurries to shower, having heard Pearl tell whoever from next door that Levi “would be there in approximately seven years.  He needs to shower.”

Again, he’s pretty sure Pearl’s not one to comment about people’s shower habits.  But because he knows what he does about her, he doesn’t say anything back.  He can’t shake the feeling that he has to be on his best behavior.  Or he’ll be out on his ass.  Closer to the reason his life is destroyed.

And he just can’t have that.

–

It’s just a few minutes later when Levi’s done in the bathroom and Cleo’s ready to go out a second time.  He and Pearl leave together.  Levi walks next door and knocks.  Francesca answers and her bright expression dims.

“Oh.  It’s you,” she says, walking away.

“Wow…that’s cold,” Dominique comments.  “Is that how you greet people?”

“I invited Pearl and Cleo, not him…” she pouts.

“Well, Pearl should be right behind me.  She’s just taking Cleo out first.”

“Oh really?  Then why are they walking back into your guys’ cabin then?” Francesca demands.

Levi does a double take.  Francesca’s right.  Pearl totally is.  This was a setup, and Levi kinda feels dizzy for a second.  He’s not a kid anymore.  So, maybe Pearl wanted some time away from him.  It was fine.

“Wow, okay.  Breakfast first, but consider dialing back this attitude you’ve got going on.  It’s not cute,” Dominique informs.

“What’s this?” he asks, picking up a weirdly shaped stick.

“That’s my wand,” Dominique tosses over her shoulder.

“Aw, you’re not Kaz anymore…” Levi makes a sad face.  

“Nope.  Hermione today.”

“If you really were Hermione, you could probably cast a spell and make breakfast happen faster than this…” Francesca complains.

“You want maple and brown sugar oatmeal?” Dominique asks.

“I guess…”

“You?  We got that, apple cinnamon, cinnamon and spice and regular…” Dominique passes along, gesturing to the huge 52-pack of instant oatmeal Levi had bought.

“Plain’s fine.  And I can make it…” he offers.  He takes Styrofoam bowl and rips a package open.  “Where are the others?”

“Jesus is in the shower.  Mariana’s still asleep.”

“Ah.”

Levi dawdles a little on purpose, to allow Dominique to get Francesca’s oatmeal in the microwave first.  Standing this close, he can see her scars on her hands clearly.  He doesn’t comment, but he wonders what happened.

Once Francesca’s eating, she seems more friendly:

“How old are you?” she asks.

“Seventeen,” Levi says.

“Cool, you’re the closest to me in age.  They’re all older,” Francesca gestures dismissively toward Dominique.

“Your family live here?” Dominique asks casually and then meets his eyes alarmed, as if she just remembered what he shared last night - about Pearl being his sister.

“My mom just moved back to the area, yeah.  I’m from Colorado.”

“We’re from California,” Francesca informs Levi.

“Cool.  Do you like it?” he asks.

“Yeah.  It’s warmer.  Do people tell you things now that you’re almost 18?” Francesca asks.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, your friends.  Dominique says there’s some things they can’t share with me until I’m 18 because it might be too much stress.  But it wouldn’t be.  Because I already have a lot of stress, so I’m pretty much a pro at dealing with it.”

“I…haven’t actually made many friends here yet.  My mom and I just moved…so I don’t know that many people.”

Francesca exchanges a look with Dominique that’s all eyebrows, big gestures, and silently mouthed words on Francesca’s part.

Dominique laughs.  “I have no idea what you’re saying…”

“I’m saying can he be our friend?  Gosh, you’re bad at telling body language…”

“I’m actually great at reading body language,” Dominique counters, easily.  “Levi, you wanna be our friend?” she asks, blunt.

(He kinda loves that.)

“Yeah.  That’d be cool,” he says.

“‘Cause I know how it feels not to have friends,” Francesca says seriously.  “It doesn’t feel good.  Do you have a best friend?”

“I…did, yeah.  My best friend was my dad.  But he died a couple years ago.”

“Oh.  My grandpa died,” Francesca shares.  “I don’t know what I’d do if my best friends died.”

“Who are yours?” Levi stirs his oatmeal.  “These guys?” he guesses, gesturing at Dominique.

“Yep.” Francesca nods.

“Hey,” Dominique speaks up softly.  “Sorry…you know…about your dad…”

“Thanks.  I appreciate that,” Levi nods, blinking back tears.  God, he misses him.

“What favorite thing did you guys do together?” Francesca wonders.

“Hmmm…” Levi hedges buying time.  He swallows and clears his throat.  “Well, you guys aren’t gonna believe this but my dad  _loved Moana_.  He cried the first time we saw it in theatres.  He knew every song.  Said it reminded him of my mom…” he shrugs.

“I love Disney movies,” Francesca offers.  “I can watch  _Moana_  with you if you want.”

“Thanks.  That’s sweet,” Levi forces a smile, masking his sadness.

“Hey, what’s up?” Jesus asks.  “Ooh.  Oatmeal.  Cinnamon and spice makes everything nice…”

Levi exchanges an amused look with Francesca.

“My brother is a little bit funny about food.  Sorry,” she laughs.

“Where’s Pearl?” Jesus wonders.

“Uh, she…needed some alone time, I guess?” Levi ventures.  “So, I came, as the representative of our cabin…to eat oatmeal…”

“That works,” Jesus nods, sitting down.

Mariana finally pokes her head out of the bedroom when all of them are nearly done.  And Levi finds himself glancing back home to see if Pearl’s planning to stop in or not.

But there’s no movement from next door.

And Levi wonders what he’s done to make Pearl so upset.  He’d thought they were getting along.  But it seemed like the second her friends arrived, Levi was the last person any of them wanted to spend time with - Pearl included.  It’s sheer luck that Dominique’s with them and she has no history with Pearl.  Sheer luck that Francesca’s feeling sympathetic toward the fact that Levi is friendless.

But it’s not the same as belonging.  It’s not the same as being wanted somewhere.  Being tricked and left next door alone feels a bit too close to parts of his life he’d rather never think about again.

–

Pearl’s been back and forth about this for hours.  Tried to sleep but the thought of it just keeps waking her.  She knows her mother well enough to know that if she doesn’t want to tell Pearl the truth about something?  She just won’t.

She’ll claim she doesn’t remember.  Or she’ll outright lie.  And Pearl just doesn’t have it in her to deal with her mom’s ways right now.

“I’ve got to get it together, Cleo,” she muses, talking out loud to the dog.  She’s not as great a listener as Gracie, but she’s sweet and small enough to cuddle comfortably on her lap (which had not been Gracie’s strong suit.)

“I know you haven’t been with me through an April yet, but they aren’t pretty. So, I’m sorry in advance.  Because I’ve got all the usual April trauma plus my mysterious little brother.  So, it’s difficult.”

Cleo whines.

“Well, I’m sorry you don’t like it.  I don’t like it, either.  It feels like I’m PMSing _all the time_.  Because, let’s be honest.  I couldn’t ask for a better kid brother than Levi and yet…every single thing he does is annoying me.  It’s not his fault.  Things weren’t perfect before, but they weren’t this bad, you know?”

Cleo blinks at her.

“I just hope he wants to stick around after this weekend…because if he thinks it’s bad now.  It’s gonna get worse.  And there’s a reason I’ve spent the better part of 15 years living alone.  It’s because after a while?  Nobody can deal with all of this.”

Cleo licks Pearl’s hand.

“You are kinda sweet.  You know that?” Pearl allows.

Pearl knows she shouldn’t shut everyone out.  Shouldn’t shut down about everything.  But it’s hard when life experience has proven in such fantastically awful ways that people can’t be trusted.  That no one is gonna be there.

So she has had to take things into her own hands - guarantee her friends got here and add the part about Levi after the fact.  So that at least they’d come.  So that at least, she wouldn’t be all on her own for this weekend with this brother she thinks is sweet but also barely knows.

She can tell he’s got stuff going on.  Pearl’s not oblivious.  Far from it.  But her own load is so heavy right now.  She needs to deal with that, and take care of herself, before she can take care of anybody else, and that includes family.

Pearl thinks about calling her mom and then shakes her head.  “What am I thinking?  My mother will not lessen my stress, Cleo.  That’s lesson number one.”

Cleo shuts her eyes, bored, or just not about to give Pearl’s mom any power.

“I approve,” Pearl nods and snuggles down to try and get more sleep.  “I totally approve of your coping mechanism.  And this is why we’re a match, right.”

Cleo snores, none too softly.

“Okay,” Pearl sighs.

She pulls the blanket up over both of them.  And hopes that everything feels a bit more doable with more sleep and time to collect herself.  As usual, when Pearl tries to close her eyes, visions of Paris fill her mind.  The person, not the place.  She wishes she could have known him.  It makes tears come to her eyes.  He’d wanted her.  That was obvious.

And Pearl had never even known he existed.

What kind of daughter did that make her?

 


	7. Chapter 7

For a while, Levi thinks about going back next door and talking to Pearl.  But he can’t quite make himself go there.  She sent him over here for a reason.  Might be because she’s tired of him.  Might be a lot of reasons, but the reality is he just can’t make himself face her yet.

He’s scared.

Better to hang out next door or outside maybe if he has to.  Francesca has warmed up to him and is all about playing endless games of Uno with funny rules.  Levi’s a fan.  It doesn’t bug him too much that Jesus and the others keep a low profile.  (He’s actually super jealous of Mariana, who feels so at home here that she woke up, ate oatmeal and then went back to bed to recover all the way from her jet lag.  Levi wishes  _he_  could go back to bed.)  He wishes he could stop obsessing about these people and what all they think of him.

To be honest, Levi would just rather not know what they think of him at all.  (Sometimes it’s safer that way.)

“I’m gonna go hang out outside, anybody wanna come?” Dominique asks.

“Sure,” Levi agrees.

“Can  _I_?” Francesca asks.  “You guys aren’t going on the dock again, are you?  ‘Cause I wanna come.”

“Actually, I was gonna stop over with Dudley and check on Pearl.  Wanna come?  Say hi to Cleo?” Jesus asks.

Francesca looks torn.  It’s pretty cute. (If Levi doesn’t focus too much on the fact that he’s pretty sure Pearl will be happier to see Jesus and even Francesca, than she’d be to see him.)  

“Oh gosh.  What do I do?  What do I do?” Francesca wonders, glancing back and forth between Levi and Dominique and Jesus and Dudley.

“You can always join us later, babe.  No pressure,” Dominique reassures.

“Serious?  It’s not gonna be like,  _Dominique and Levi sitting in a tree_ , is it?” Francesca sings.

Levi doesn’t miss the slight shake of the head that Jesus gives or the way embarrassment makes Francesca blush.

“Fine, I’ll say hi to Cleo and then meet you at that picnic table that’s kinda like Avoidance, okay?” she decides, eventually walking over to Pearl’s with Jesus and Dudley.

Dominique laughs a little as she and Levi walk side by side.

“What’s she avoiding?” Levi asks, bemused.

“It’s kinda a long story, but basically, back home?  We all get together at this one spot at a picnic table to avoid ignorant assholes.”

Levi raises his eyebrows.  “Really?  You see a lot of those in California?” he presses.

“I see a lot of those everywhere,” Dominique allows.

They get to the picnic table.  It’s chilly.  Levi wishes he’d brought a jacket.  From the look of Dominique, she’s wishing the same.  Still, they sit.

It’s nice in the quiet.  It’s nice not having to fill the silence, but knowing, too, that he is not being actively ignored or pushed aside.

Dominique takes out her phone.  Snaps a shot of the lake.  A strange angle of her eyes, her hair and the picnic table, from above.  Then:

“Can I?” she asks, raising her eyebrows and shaking the phone a little.

“Depends,” he allows.  “Do I have to smile?”

Her eyebrows raise.  “No.”  She takes his picture as he stares into the lens, face serious.  “I’ve found,” she says after a second.  “That faking it?  Works.  Until it doesn’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you just asked me if you had to smile for that picture I took.  People don’t ask about performative emotions, in my experience, unless they’ve had to employ them.  And, I’m just saying, if you’ve had to?  It probably served a purpose the first time you did it.  But you don’t have to do it now.”

Levi blinks.  “That’s deep.”

“Yeah, well, that’s me,” she shrugs.  “What about you?”

“What  _about_  me?” Levi asks back.

“What’s on your mind?” she asks, tone open, curious, and also so genuine.

“Unwanted.”  The word’s out of his mouth before Levi even realizes.  It doesn’t even make sense.  It’s not an answer to anything Dominique asked him.  It’s not a feeling.  It’s a state of being.  A state of being Levi wishes he could stop.

“How so?” Dominique asks, undeterred.  Gentle.

Levi shrugs.  “Just, whatever.  Pearl got the phone, asked me if I wanted to go to breakfast here, she left the cabin with me, and when I turned around, she’d doubled back…went back inside.”

“Ouch,” Dominique winces, sympathetic.

“Yeah.  And, like, I know your friends would probably give her the benefit of the doubt - that I probably should, too - but…I can’t help how it  _feels_ , you know?”

“Like she’s rejecting you,” Dominique nods.

“Exactly.  And I’m supposed to be social.  I’m supposed to help out.  I’m supposed to give the benefit of the doubt…but do  _I_  get it?”

“Doesn’t sound like it,” Dominique shakes her head.

“Right, so it’s like, ‘ _What am I even doing here?  Why try?_ ’ you know?”

“I do.  It’s hard when people don’t see you.  Don’t get you, especially if it’s somebody who’s supposed to give a shit.  Like family.”

“Yeah, well, she’d rather not be  _that_ …” Levi sighs.  “Sorry, I’m rambling and I probably sound super ungrateful given that she’s letting me stay with her rent-free as long as I do the grocery shopping…”

“But people don’t just need shelter, Levi.  They need emotional support.”

“I know.  She does.”

“You, too.” Dominique maintains.  

“I’m okay…” he insists.

“Every human being?  Needs emotional support,” Dominique says certainly.  “So, are you a human?”

Levi blinks.

“Yes…” he answers slowly.

“Then you qualify.  And there’s a thing about the world that kinda sucks?  People can’t always be there for other people in the way they need.  It’s impossible to be everything for everybody.”

Levi sighs. And there it is.  The indication, however subtle, that Pearl’s stuff is more support-worthy than his.  Nobody knows his.  They don’t even try to know it.  He’s used to his mom, knowing something’s up.  To his dad, checking in with him at night before bed, asking if he’s got anything on his mind.  And for years, he’d almost told.

Until time ran out.

“I know,” he says, retreating into the mask Dominique just said he didn’t have to wear.  He smiles.  It’s believable, but for the shadow in his eyes.  The hurt.  The suspicion.  The soul of him that’s been snatched out ever since that day near ten years ago.  With the mud.  And her.

“Levi?” Dominique asks.

“What?”

“Did you wanna hear the rest of what I was gonna say, or no?”

“Oh, I thought that was it, I’m sorry.” Now, it’s Levi’s turn to blush.

But Dominique is actually waiting until he nods.

“I’m saying, people are gonna let you down.  But that’s why there’s other people.  People you can trust, if you want to.”

“Like Pearl?” he asks, skeptically.

“No.  Like me.” Dominique finishes.  “Think you might wanna do that?”

Levi bites the inside of his lip.  What choice does he really have right now?  It’s Dominique or keep going it alone.  

“Yeah,” he admits finally.  “Maybe.”

–

Francesca is in the coolest swing ever looking at the best purple lights.  Jesus and Pearl promised that Francesca could help make special hot chocolate on the stove if she let Jesus and Pearl talk in private first.  

They give her headphones that cancel the noise.  She thinks she’s gonna want to read Harry Potter, but she doesn’t.  She just stares at the lights and feels really good.  Usually staring off means bad stuff for Francesca, but not this time.  She wishes Moms knew about swings like this.

Francesca imagines being in a purple land where everything is electric and shiny.

–

To say Pearl was shocked to find Jesus and Francesca on the other side of the door this morning would be an understatement.  Pearl had been sure if she’d see anyone at all, it’d be Levi first, but so far?  No sign of him.

It’s unkind, but Pearl is relieved.

Usually?  She might mind that a friend and his little sister are stopping by when Pearl hasn’t made a move toward getting ready for the day at all.  She’s still in PJ’s.  Hair’s still wrapped.  The only thing of consequence she’s done today is take Cleo outside and eat breakfast.  Otherwise, she hasn’t moved.

But Jesus and Francesca don’t judge.  Francesca even informed Pearl that her favorite thing was having pajama days.

Honestly, Pearl has never let herself entertain the possibility that Jesus might someday come back to a place that caused him so much pain and stress.  Pearl remembers his first trip up here six years ago vividly, because he’d spent the majority of it here, in this cabin, to get a break from all the intensity of his family next door.

That trip pretty much put an end to any desire at all that Pearl used to have to be in any way like his mom.  Stef used to be her role model.  But after Pearl saw firsthand just how she and Lena treated Jesus?  Well, Pearl was reminded a bit too much of her own mother.  And God knew, Pearl didn’t want to be anything like her.

“So…what’s up?” Jesus asks after the longest wait ever.

“Oh nothing.  Just catching up on sleep, Levi’s my brother and my mom’s a liar…” she rattles off.  Most people would recite such lists in their heads, but Pearl and Jesus are way past that.

Jesus blinks.  “And?”

“And  _what_?” Pearl challenges, miffed at his lack of a reaction.

“And I saw the resemblance, Pearl.  Mariana saw it.  We all saw it,” Jesus says matter of factly.  “I figured you’d tell me when you were ready to tell me.”

“You let Francesca say he was my boyfriend.” Pearl points out.

“Well, it’s not exactly my place to out my hunches about who might be related to you.”

“Hmm.  Good point.” Pearl allows.

“So how’s that been?” Jesus wonders, intrigued.

“Annoying.  I mean, okay, Levi’s pretty much the best possible surprise-brother anybody could get, but I’m not used to this.  And every time I see him…it’s like…I don’t know…this giant reminder that my mom lied to me about my dad being dead for like  _years_.  How do you lie to your daughter for more than 30 years about something that important?  And she never even mentioned Levi to me…  Or that Dad spent all those years wanting a relationship with me…and now I don’t get to have it.”  She sniffs and grabs a Kleenex.

Jesus drops his voice, casting a glance at the corner where Francesca’s still swinging behind the curtain.  “I kinda get it though.  I got those kinds of feelings all the time when I got back and saw Moms adopted Callie and Jude.  Never really had the betrayed feeling with Francesca, but with Callie and Jude?  They came into our family because I wasn’t there.  Moms took them in because of taking me and Mariana in.  I don’t know.  I always…felt…kinda…replaced?  Like…they moved on and got these other kids.  I don’t know.  I know it’s not exactly the same thing, but…”

“But it’s complex, and it’s family and you’d think they’d love you enough to not try and replace you, even if they really believed you were gone…” Pearl offers.

“Just like you’d hope that whatever went down between your mom and dad, that your mom would realize that barring your dad being some abusive asshole?  You deserved to know he was alive and wanted a relationship with you.  Not lie to you about him being dead, even if it was easier for her,” Jesus responds, sure.

“You know, I wanna say you’ve gotten really wise in the last several years…but who am I kidding?  You’ve always been wise.” Pearl admits, wiping her eyes.  “Thank you.  I’ve really needed to talk to a friend about all of this.  To talk to you.”

“Anytime,” Jesus says, like it’s no big deal, but Pearl knows just how big a deal it is.


	8. Chapter 8

It’s hard, because, no matter how much Jesus hates telling half-truths?  He finds himself doing it anyway.  He can’t exactly tell Pearl his honest thoughts about Levi.  Not when she’s struggling the way she is, and not when Francesca could have stuck her head out of the swing at any time and decided she wanted to make hot chocolate right then.

Which did happen, for the record.

So, it’s not like Jesus could’ve just said:  “Hey, I’m hella jealous right now.”  “I’m jealous that this kid could show up out of nowhere and you weren’t suspicious of him like you were of me.  You don’t just tolerate him like you tolerated me.”

It’s apparently a thing, too, because Dominique had been super skittish around Jesus, and she is not at all around Levi which is seriously bugging Jesus.  Yeah, Levi’s slighter than Jesus, a bit shorter.  But it just…kinda sucks watching his friends embrace this kid so easily when it had taken them forever to warm up to Jesus.

It makes him wonder what feelings everybody else might be holding back from each other.

For dinner, they heat up a frozen lasagna and they all eat together.  It’s good, and no one has to cook it.  It reminds Jesus he still has to pay Pearl back.

“Mmm,” he says, reaching into his pocket for his wallet, and taking several $20s out.  He offers them to Pearl.

–

Dominique’s fine one minute and the next, without warning, there’s money changing hands at a table in front of her.  Her pulse picks up in her throat, but her face stays calm.  Practiced.  

She wonders what she can do, as she loses seconds of valuable time contemplating.

“Mmm, you actually wanna give that to Levi,” Pearl insists.  “He did the grocery shopping.”

Dominique’s heart drops as she sees Jesus offer the money to Levi.  She holds her breath.

“Oh.  No.  I was happy to do it.  Keep your money,” Levi says, calm.

Jesus isn’t taking no for an answer.  Dominique is used to this.  Expects this.

(Things seem okay but she keeps watching Jesus, in case he’s covering how pissed he really is.  But Levi doesn’t even look her way.)

This is seriously confusing.  She needs someone to explain what’s happening right now, but she can’t speak.  So instead, she waits.  It’s agony counting the seconds to see what will happen next, but it’s literally all she can do.

–

Mariana’s spent most of the day just trying to recover all the sleep she lost coming here.  She somehow still feels exhausted, but at least she can function.  The chaos of dinner means that she’s coping by honing in on just one thing at a time.  And right now?  It’s how hard Dominique’s grabbing Mariana’s hand under the table.

Glancing at her, Mariana can see she looks perfectly at ease.  But she can also see the pulse in Dominique’s neck.  It’s beating fast.  That and the way Dominique is gripping Mariana’s hand mean that something is wrong here.  

With her free hand, Mariana opens a new memo on her phone and types a row of question marks.  No cell service here.  That had definitely not been one of the perks.  But Mariana’s nothing if not creative, and since her accident, Mariana’s ingenuity has only gotten better.

Mariana tips her phone so Dominique can see it, and she glances at it.  Types back dollar signs on her own memo screen and shows Mari, all low-key so no one notices.

Mariana doesn’t know a ton about what happened to Dominique before they became friends.  Knows she had something similar happen that happened to Jesus.  But Mariana also knows it wasn’t too similar either.  She’s never heard of a money trigger.  Still, Mariana does her best to do what they all try to do for each other when triggered.

As escape isn’t an option - Dominique seems frozen - and Mariana doesn’t trust her own balance and stamina to try and get her anywhere.  (Plus, consent.  Dominique doesn’t seem like she can speak, much less clearly approve of contact.)  So, Mariana’s gonna have to do her best to get the boys to put the money away ASAP, while not drawing attention to Dominique.

She’s keeping cool.  Nobody would guess she was having this much trouble.  You have to really know her, to be able to see the flash of desperation in her eyes.  It’s so subtle that it’s easy to miss, especially with how good she is at pretending.

Mariana takes a breath - wills the words she needs to actually be here when she needs them.  “Money’s kinda dirty, you know?” she offers, wrinkling her nose.

Jesus and Levi turn to her.

“Seriously, think of how many people touched it.”

“She’s right,” Pearl nods.  “Levi, put it away.”  After he does, Pearl actually offers him hand sanitizer.  And Levi actually uses it.

“Okay?” Mariana asks, keeping her voice low.

Ever so slightly, Dominique nods her head yes.

Mariana’s not sure if she should take Dominique’s word for it or keep checking.  It doesn’t escape her that Dominique still has a death grip on Mariana’s hand.  It’s the one with nerve damage, so she’s got major pins and needles happening.  She uses her own right hand to peel Dominique’s own free of Mariana’s left.  Then holds Dominique’s hand in her right.

“Sorry,” she apologizes.

“You’re fine,” Dominique reassures.

Mariana’s not exactly sure what to make of this trip so far.  She’s hardly been able to stay awake for any of it.  But it seems like it’s not going as well as they dreamed it might.  There’s tension in basically every dynamic here (and yet it’s still so much better than home with Moms.)

Before Dominique can get up and start cleaning after dinner, Mariana uses the fact that they’re still hanging onto each other to take her aside.

They step outside.  To the front porch.

Dominique pulls her hand away abruptly.  Mariana doesn’t miss how Dominique’s breathing is shaky.  How her hands are trembling like Pearl’s do sometimes.

Mariana doesn’t say anything.  It’s not for any deep reason.  It’s that there literally are no words anywhere for Mariana to even say right now.  Not to mention the fact that sometimes?  Trying to tell somebody it’s okay or take it easy might backfire, especially if all they need is for somebody to be there.

So, Mariana is.

After a while, Dominique meets Mariana’s eyes and nods.  They go back in together.

–

Levi’s about to make a quick escape when Jesus speaks up after everything’s cleaned up:  

“Can everybody stick around?”

“Ooh!  Is it for Family Game?” Francesca asks.

Levi watches, fascinated, as Dudley moves closer to Jesus, like he’s shielding him.  Cleo’s too small to really do the same thing for Pearl, but she tries sometimes.  It’s awesome seeing another service dog do it.  Levi’s so intrigued by what Dudley’s doing that he doesn’t have time to wonder why a mention of a family game is stressful for Jesus.

“No, I thought we could all catch up.  Like, for real.  Check in with each other?  Kinda like we do in Avoidance.”

Levi’s happy he gets this reference, but his happiness fades as Francesca casts doubtful looks at him and Pearl.

“But they don’t have disabilities, or trauma or anything,” she stage-whispers, indignant.  “I thought Avoidance was just for us.”

“We don’t know that,” Jesus answers, matter of fact, not outing Pearl’s stuff, which Levi has a strong hunch Jesus does know.  “Let’s stop with the ‘us’ and ‘them’, though, okay, buddy?  It’s ‘we’ here.”

“Fine,” Francesca sighs.

Levi’s relieved, but only a little.  He keeps noticing how Dominique’s all the way on the other side of the room from him.  How she won’t look at him.  Levi wonders what he did wrong now?

Even though it seems like Francesca and Dominique are having second thoughts about being friends, Pearl looks like she thinks checking in is a great idea.  Plus Levi’s got work the rest of the week, except this weekend.  So he should really hang out with these guys while he can.

–

Pearl has never heard of this  _avoidance_  thing, but she is very good at avoiding things, so it sounds like something she will excel at.  She takes a seat beside Levi and listens as Jesus mentions that there are some ground rules.

“Can I say them?” Francesca asks, waving her hand around in the air like it’s school.

“Sure.”

“No teasing each other, and go one at a time,” she pauses for a breath.  “And slow down.  That one’s hard.”

“You’re doing a good job,” Mariana nods.

“Thanks,” Francesca ducks her head.

“So, what is this exactly?” Pearl asks.  “Are we avoiding things?  People?  Topics?”

“Ignorant assholes,” Levi supplies, sending a knowing glance Dominique’s way.

Francesca claps a hand over her own mouth.  “Unnecessary,” she breathes.  “We avoid  _mean_   _people_ ,” she says, trying to stifle a smile.

“Right.  My bad.” Levi apologizes.

“But what is this?  What’s the purpose?” Pearl wonders, petting Cleo as she sits, curled in her lap.

“Think of it as…emotional laundry sorting…” Dominique offers, quiet.  “It’s vulnerable.  Personal.  But done with friends?  There’s eventually less laundry, and it’s manageable.”

“Huh…” Pearl muses, intrigued.  “I’ve never heard it put like that.”  (She’s starting to see why everyone else seems so taken with Dominique.  Her Hermione costume is an obvious additional point in her favor.)

“So, who has laundry?” Francesca asks.

“I do, I guess?” Jesus offers.  “I’ve been kinda feeling jealous.  Because some people are easier to be around than me.”

Pearl raises her eyebrows.  Definitely not her, then.

“Jesus, even if we like other people, we still like you, too,” Francesca offers so sweetly it makes tears come to Pearl’s eyes.  It reminds her of the first time she saw them together.  Him scooping her up so she didn’t slip on the ice as a tiny four-year-old.

“For sure,” Mariana agrees.  “Everybody’s different, but that’s what makes us…good?”

“Yeah, but it’s not good if you’re just left feeling like the one that freaks people out…”

“Are you talking about when we trigger each other accidentally?” Dominique asks.

Pearl’s forgotten about how gloriously clearly Jesus in particular communicates.  Seems like it’s brushed off on his friends and family, too.  Or maybe, Dominique’s always been just this way.  Maybe it’s what caused them to be friends in the first place.

Jesus shrugs.

“Hey.  Don’t do that,” Mariana reprimands lightly.  “It matters.  How you feel matters.  What you think.  Okay?  Is Dominique right?”

“Yes…” Jesus admits.

“Okay, so we all trigger each other.   _Without meaning to_.” Dominique stresses.

Pearl puts her hand up slightly, waving her fingers a little.  “I can relate, though.”  She offers.  “Sometimes people’s niceness…their goodness…it feels personal.  Like it magnifies your own faults.”

“You can just say it,” Levi mutters softly.  “It’s me.”

“Okay.  It is, yes.” Pearl nods.

“Hold on.  Let’s give Levi a turn to sort some feelings,” Dominique interjects calmly.  

Pearl breathes and tries not to be offended that she was cut off in what she was saying.

“Levi?  You got any?” Dominique wonders.  

“No,” he says.  “I don’t.”

–

Francesca raises her hand.  

Dominique nods at her.

“So…I don’t understand.  Pearl doesn’t like Levi because he’s nice?” she asks.

“It’s complicated,” Pearl allows.

“But I’m asking,” Francesca points out.  “ _Is_  that what you mean?  Like being around him makes you feel extra mean or something?”

“Sort of…” Pearl admits.

“But Levi can’t help it if he’s nice.  Maybe he’s just born that way.  And maybe he’s not doing it on purpose to make you feel extra mean.  Maybe blaming that on him makes him feel bad,” Francesca says.

She knows all about being blamed for things she can’t help.  Because CP gives her a lot of those things.  And Dominique says they aren’t her fault.  That her CP is a valid reason.  Just like Levi being born nice is a valid reason, too, probably.

“Thanks, Francesca,” Levi nods.

“P.S. Everybody has feelings,” she says, remembering Levi said he didn’t have any.  “So, do you have like…sock feelings or what?”

Levi laughs.  “What’s a sock feeling?”

Francesca shrugs.  “Like a stinky feeling?”

“Kinda, yeah.  I have sock feelings….” Levi nods.

Francesca feels good.  Like maybe she helped a little, even though she’s only eleven.  “It’s okay to have sock feelings, right?” she checks with everybody at the table.  “And it’s okay to feel extra mean or jealous as long as we don’t hurt other people.”

“That’s a good point,” Dominique nods.

“ _How_  do we  _not_?  Hurt people?” Pearl wonders.  “Because some of us,” (Francesca wonders if she is the only one noticing that Pearl is pointing to herself when she says some of us…) “haven’t done feelings laundry in a  _long time_.  And so the feelings are kind of out of control right now…”

“I think…we maybe help you put them where they go.  You trust us.  And we help you.” Mariana offers.

“Like it’s that easy…” Pearl scoffs, wiping her eyes.

“And also apologize for hurting.  Like, I’m sorry for saying you guys couldn’t be in Avoidance with us.  And for being mean to Levi earlier.” Francesca says.

“Fair.  Levi, I’m sorry I made you feel bad.  For…contributing to your sock feelings.” Pearl says, like she really means it.

Levi just nods his head yes.  He doesn’t really look Pearl in the eye.


	9. Chapter 9

Francesca can’t explain it really.  She just feels bigger.  Like she can do stuff.  That she said stuff, and Pearl even listened?  Pearl is a grown up.  Even more grown up than Jesus or Mariana or Dominique.  And she listened.  She didn’t just say Francesca shouldn’t tell adults what to do.  Pearl knew Francesca wasn’t trying to do that anyway because of consent.  Because they don’t ever force each other to do anything.  Because that’s not right.

“What about you, babe?” Dominique asks.  (Dominique is the only one who ever calls Francesca “babe.”  It’s short for “baby” but Dominique doesn’t mean it that way.  She means it like she cares.  Like Francesca matters to her.)

“Um…I never did any Feelings Laundry either…” she admits, only a little embarrassed, since Pearl already said she didn’t do it before either.

“What are you feeling the most right now?” Dominique tries.

“…Like I did a good job?” Francesca asks, like it’s a test and she might get the wrong answer.

“So, proud?” Dominique smiles.  “We’re proud of you, too.  You have really good suggestions and ideas.  I like seeing that you wanna help others.”

“Yeah, that’s a big deal, buddy.  I’m glad you’re proud.  You should be,” Jesus nods and puts his arm around her.  Francesca leans into him.  He smells like man deodorant and outside and spearmint like gum.

“I used to feel…like…kinda surprised?” she admits.  “Because I didn’t know Levi was gonna be here.  But now we’re friends.”  She smiles at him, and he peeks at her a little and smiles tiny.

“That makes sense,” Pearl offers.  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys sooner.  I was afraid you might not wanna come.”

“Why?  Levi’s nice,” Francesca maintains.

“He is, yes.  But change is hard for people,” Pearl allows.  “Like, plans changing last minute.”

“I have a question,” Francesca says, not looking at anybody.

“Sure,” Pearl nods.

“It’s just…I think part of why I was surprised was like…I thought that friendships shrink?”

“I’m not sure I understand,” Pearl says.

Francesca looks at Dominique.  Can tell just by looking at her face that she’s listening.

“Like, one time, kids at my school were making a club with all the girls in my class.  And I came over, and one girl asked me to join in, but then another one said they already have enough people.  I thought if Levi came, one of us had to be left out.  I thought that one of us was me, probably, ‘cause I’m the youngest.” Francesca admits.

“Ah,” Pearl says, like she gets it now.  “Well, it sounds like you’re describing friendship like it has a rubberband around it.  What happens when you put a rubberband around a lot of things?”

“It squeezes them together?”

“Right.  And if one extra thing stretches it too far, what happens?” Pearl asks.

“It breaks.”

“Yeah, but friendships aren’t like that.  We don’t have an invisible rubberband around us forcing us together.  We’re together because we wanna be, right?”

“So, it won’t break if I join?” Francesca asks, shy.

“Nope, there’s always room in friendship.”

“For people, not things,” Francesca remembers.

“You got it,” Jesus nods, like he’s proud of her again.

–

“Mari, do you have some feelings laundry?” Francesca asks, surprising Mariana, who has been quietly listening.

“What?” she asks.  It’s filler.  She heard the question, gets it, but the words to answer are nowhere around.

“You wanna share a feeling?” Dominique asks, quietly.

“Tired.  And sad…” Mariana sighs.  She hates to be a downer, but it’s the truth, and the name of the game right now seems like Truth Time.

“You can keep resting as long as you need,” Jesus encourages.

“Why are you sad?” Dominique asks, giving Mariana a few seconds after Jesus’s comment.

“It’s so different now.  Like… _I’m_  different…  Before when I came, I had…energy.  I could have fun.  Now I’m just exhausted all the time.”  Mariana can feel Levi’s curiosity, and she’s thinking about what to say.  How much to share.  In the end, she doesn’t, because it’s so hard to even hope all the words will be there, and he’ll get it, and not just feel a bunch of pity for her.

But it’s Levi who speaks next, surprising her.  “Yeah.  It’s hard to feel different…in a place that feels so unchanged.  It’s like…jarring.”

“Yeah.”

His eyes are so sympathetic, locked on hers.  Mariana has no idea what he’s talking about personally for him, but she feels understood.   “And then if nobody knows…or realizes…it’s worse.”

“Exactly,” Mari nods.

“That’s a pretty major reason to be sad,” Levi nods.

“But I think maybe you overlooked that your roomie,” Dominique gestures to herself “considers napping one of her greatest skills.  You don’t have to nap and be exhausted alone.”

“Thank you,” Mariana nods.  “Now you,” she nods at Dominique.  

–

“Oh…  I guess…okay.  I feel…”  Dominique hedges.

The truth is, she feels put on the spot.  And is there a word for that?  Like, all eyes are on her.  Like she’s got to perform. It’s a gross feeling.  And she doesn’t know how to navigate this expectation of vulnerability when she just doesn’t know Pearl at all.  She feels like Levi would get her dilemma.  But not being able to fully trust all of the people in a space at once, makes being completely open and honest feel like being shoved off a cliff into an ocean full of sharks.

She’s relished being the foreperson here.  Calling on people to share.  Explaining things.  Kinda running them.  But to share herself?  Well, that feels…whatever the hell this feeling is.

“What’s your biggest feeling right now?” Francesca asks, and Dominique’s touched.  Francesca’s great about reciprocating the help she’s been given.

“It’s not a feeling…” Dominique hedges.

“Neither is sock feeling,” Levi offers, “But you all accepted that.”

“Nobody’s gonna get mad…or leave…” Mariana encourages quietly.

“…Like it’s inevitable that I’m about to be eaten by sharks…” Dominique admits, head down.

“You’re feeling in danger?” Jesus asks, sounding surprised and concerned.

“I guess?” Dominique says.  She glances up at them.  Smiles reflexively.  “I mean, it’s okay, though.  I feel fine.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Pearl insists, which only makes Dominique wanna lean into fineness that much harder.

“Maybe it feels safer to be fine,” Levi challenges quietly.  “I get that.”

“But we’re all safe with each other here,” Pearl insists.

“But we don’t  _know that_!”  Dominique insists, her voice suddenly so intense it makes Francesca jump.  “You haven’t  _demonstrated_  that.  You haven’t  _proven_  it.”

“Well, neither have you, but we all still shared with you,” Pearl insists.

Francesca makes an obnoxious noise like a buzzer on a TV game show.  She’s got Hermione’s wand and points it at Pearl.  “Saying somebody’s feeling doesn’t matter is disrespect.”

Pearl’s mouth drops open and she looks at Jesus and Mariana to back her up, but both of them look like she crossed a line.  It makes Dominique a little glad.  

“Well, so what?  What does that mean?  I’m just the bad guy now?” Pearl asks, arms crossed.

“Questions are cool.  Dismissing people isn’t,” Jesus maintains.  

“I didn’t know it was called that…” Levi breathes.  “That there was a name for it.  That it counts as disrespect…”

Dominique might be the only one who hears his comments because Pearl’s talking again, and she has a big presence.

“I used to make mistakes a lot,” Francesca offers.  “It hurt my feelings and made me feel like you guys didn’t wanna be my friend anymore.  But that wasn’t really true, right?”

“No,” Jesus agrees.  “We’re not rejecting you, Pearl.  But we are calling you out.  We don’t tolerate disrespect here.”

Dominique bites her lip and watches.  Can’t quite believe Jesus is so calm.  Levi, too, though he’s scooted his chair away from Pearl slightly.

“But I was just saying that we’re all  _trying._ ” Pearl exclaims.

“Maybe Dominique’s trying, too.  You don’t know.  You don’t know her.  You didn’t ask one question,” Levi comments quietly.

Pearl shuts her eyes.  Dominique doesn’t.  She watches everything.  If this falls apart?  It’s on her.  She has to know what’s coming.

“Oh, and  _you_  know her,” Pearl insists like she doesn’t believe Levi at all.

“I’ve talked to her.  I’ve listened.  Yeah.” Levi counters.

“Like you listen to me?” Pearl counters.

“Okay, Time.  Seriously.  We gotta stop this.  And breathe,” Jesus decides.

It takes all of Dominique’s focus to be able to drag in a single breath and then let it out.  She looks around at everybody doing the same - at Levi - watching everyone else breathe, curiously.  Eventually, she can do it again.  And again.

When they’ve done that for a while, Jesus nods.  “Okay.  Listen.  Dominique, do you know what you were feeling that made the shark feeling so strong?” Jesus asks.

Just like that, the words are there:

“Fear.  Judgement.”

“Okay.  Pearl, can you hear that Dominique’s afraid right now.  Is feeling judged?” Jesus wonders.

“I am, too!”

“Hold on, though.” Jesus keeps trying.

Dominique wants to give up.  To walk away.  To go shut the door of the bedroom and not come out, but if she does, she knows she likely won’t come out for days.

Mariana slides her hand into Dominique’s.  Francesca walks over and hands Hermione her wand back.  It helps some.

“We’re saying…” Mariana starts out slowly, looking at Pearl.  “That Dominique’s not trying to hurt you.  She’s afraid.  Can you hear that?”

“Yes, because I’m awful.  Clearly.  Everybody’s having a terrible time because I wasn’t honest.”  Pearl wipes her eyes.

“You feel blamed,” Levi realizes.

“Well, yeah,” Pearl laughs mirthlessly as more tears escape.

“You could’ve just told me,” Dominique says quietly. “Instead of pushing me.”

“I’m sorry.  I was trying to be reassuring…by telling you it was safe to talk to us? But it seems like my default is severely irritable these days.”

“Sounds like trauma,” Dominique comments lightly.  “Which is something I know I would never judge.  I got plenty of my own.  I’m just asking…please don’t judge me for my hesitance…which is trauma also…”

“Fair,” Pearl breathes.

“I think we need to do our Feelings Laundry every day practically,” Francesca announces.  “Because there’s a lot of it right now.  So we maybe need to make sure we do it more than just one time ever.”

“That sounds like a great plan,” Jesus nods.

Dominique excuses herself to go to the restroom and try to get a hold on herself.  It’s not easy.  She needs Mom right now like she needs air, but they don’t have cell service.  So, instead, she clutches her wand (which Mom made for her) and closes her eyes, willing her Mom to think of her too.

She breathes and tries to calm down.  But instead, there are tears.  And as healthy as Dominique has been told tears are, they always make her feel weak and stupid.  

She needs her Sadness costume but it’s not here.  So she stays locked in the bathroom thinking about money changing hands.  About being forced into situations she was in no way ready for.  About losing control.

But, just like that, Dominique swallows.  The mask is back in place.  Because with Pearl around?  She still doesn’t feel safe without it.

One more deep breath, and then Dominique opens the door.

Levi’s there, waiting by one of the couches.  “You okay?”

“Yeah.  I’m fine,” she nods.

“Cool.  I’m fine, too,” he tells her.

“Cool.”

Seems like Pearl has headed out already, thankfully.  Dominique hopes Levi doesn’t start to hate her because she doesn’t get along with his sister.  But he seems to have his own issues with Pearl.  

He sticks around a little longer, helping Jesus and Francesca build their fort, and then he walks home.

Dominique goes to bed that night in full costume, clutching her wand.  

She dreams of money.  The smell.  The sound.  The glint in the men’s eyes.  

Wakes up.  Gasping.  Wishing Jesus knew to give her a heads up about that.  But in all the things they’d discussed.  Her trigger around being either asked for cash by a man or unexpectedly bearing witness to cash changing hands had never come up.

And now it feels like all the words are trapped inside.  With her actual feelings.

Maybe things will look better in the morning…but somehow…Dominique doubts it.


	10. Chapter 10

That night, after waking for the tenth time, Dominique figures it might be better just to stay awake.  But she’s so tired, she’s not sure she can manage it.  She tries thinking about calming things but her thoughts still race.

She must nod off, though.

Because she’s eleven again in no time, trying to find a way to escape the hell she’s in.

_With everyone sleeping, it’s the perfect time.  She slides out of bed carefully, not making any noise - hardly even moving the blankets.  She walks to the hotel door.  Slides it open.  Sneaks outside._

–

Mariana’s shared a bed long enough to know when someone moves, even if they’re trying to be quiet about it.  She senses when Dominique slides from the bed.  Hears the slight click as she turns the knob on the bedroom door.  Mariana’s curious, so she gets up, and follows at a distance, unsure of herself in the dark.

Holding her breath, Mariana watches, scared, as Dominique walks to the back door and eases it open.  Pulls it shut behind her.  

God.

Dominique hates going out at night.  Hates the dark.  It hits Mariana all at once that her friend must be sleepwalking.  And how did Mariana not know this was a thing?  (Does Dominique know it’s a thing?)  She wonders what to do.  How to help.  Hopes Dominique doesn’t go far.

All she can do is try to stay with her.

–

_Woods._

_It’s so not what Dominique expects to find outside the hotel room door.  But she can smell dirt.  Mud.  Pine.  As sure as she can feel her own heart trying to pound out of her chest._

_She can see something.  Like a small house.  Maybe she can get help there.  Maybe they’ll protect her._

_She goes to the door, and taps lightly.  She doesn’t want to make too much noise and wake up the men back inside the hotel._

–

Pearl is awake seconds before there’s a tapping on their cabin door.  It’s 2:03 in the morning.  Early, even for her.  Which means anybody coming out here in the middle of the night has to mean bad news.  

Levi moving in had meant Pearl had started actually locking her door.  She may have told herself she didn’t care if anybody came and tried anything with her, but having Levi here meant she did care if somebody came and tried to hurt him.

The tapping hasn’t stopped.  Cleo’s awake, too.  And Pearl’s wondering if it’s better to just stay here and deal with whoever this is herself, or let Levi know they might be in danger.

The second option sounds better.  She would always rather know if something was coming than be caught unaware.

–

Levi’s still up when he hears Pearl on the stairs.  He hopes she’s not up and annoyed that he’s not asleep yet.  An irrational urge sweeps through him to just hurry and fake sleep, even though he’s obviously on his laptop with headphones on.

She’s in his room before he can really think all his options through.

“I’m sorry,” he says, standing and moving his headphones to his neck.

Pearl puts a finger to her lips.  She’s tense.  Her eyes are big and darting.

“Someone’s here.  I need you to stay down here.  Lock the door.  I’ll tell you when it’s all clear.”

“What?   _Inside_?” he whispers.

“No.  Knocking.”

“Well, if they’re knocking, they’re not an ax murderer, right?” Levi reasons.

“If he’s knocking, it’s a good chance he  _is_  an ax murderer.  People who do terrible things can because they gain others’ trust,” she manages.

“I’m coming, too,” Levi says, sure.

“Levi, no.  I’m your sister.  I’m older.  I’ve got this.  I’ve got you.  Now stay here.  Please.”

“Like I’m letting you go upstairs with the murderer.  If he’s gonna try anything he’s gotta come through both of us,” Levi decides.  “Got your pepper spray?”

“Yeah.  At least stay behind me,” Pearl hisses.

They reach the kitchen, and Levi can hear it.  This soft tapping on the front door.  Hearing it again, Pearl seems to have lost her nerve.  She stands there, just a shape in the dark.

“I’m gonna go check the window,” Levi whispers.  “Don’t worry.  They won’t see me.”

Adrenaline, fear, and every protective instinct Levi had crash into each other inside him.  He stops to the side of the window to the porch.  Peeks out.  Sees two figures standing there.  Slight.

Then a voice.  Small.  Female.  “ _Please help me_ …” it’s begging.

“It’s a couple of girls, Pearl.  They need help,” Levi reports, unlocking the door before she can respond.  

He flips the porch light on and sees Dominique, with mud on her shoes.  On her pants.  Halfway up her calves.  Mariana, too.  But her feet are bare.

Dominique’s face is a mask of fear, her eyes wide.  Behind her, Levi can make out Mariana.  

“Sleepwalking,” she says, like she’s so sorry about all this.

“It’s okay.  Come in.  It’s Dominique and Mariana,” Levi passes along to Pearl.

Behind him, Pearl’s come alive, offering them the couch to sit on.

“It’s okay.  You can stay here.  Nobody’s gonna hurt you…” Levi tries to reassure Dominique, but her expression doesn’t change.

Levi does his best to ignore the muddy footprints they leave behind.  Tries to fight the urge to run and find the Swiffer, to make sure there’s no trace left.

Instead, he just takes a step back.

–

“Maybe…could you guys…” Mariana struggles for a word that doesn’t sound like she’s kicking them out of their own living room (“just go”) and one that doesn’t make them feel like they’re the bad guys (“back off.”)

Levi looks at her, his expression open.  

“…I mean…she doesn’t know what’s happening..and it might be scary to wake up and be somewhere else.  Embarrassing.” Mariana offers.

“Right,” Levi nods.

“We’ll give you some space,” Pearl says - the exact words Mariana was looking for.

Mariana waits until they both retreat downstairs and then starts talking to Dominique.  “Hey.  It’s Mariana.  You’re safe.  I came with you.”

It takes a little longer.  Mariana’s cold and tired, and more than a little worried that Jesus might wake up and find the cabin door open.  But she hadn’t wanted to turn her back and risk losing Dominique in the middle of the night.

“Are you awake?” Mariana tries again, but Dominique just sits and looks so afraid.  As a last ditch effort, Mariana starts to sing.  It’s what helps Jesus when nothing else does.  

It’s an old song - from the year Francesca was born, and when Jesus was still missing.  She could never sing it to him, because he might know it from Then. But hopefully, it’s okay to sing to Dominique.  She starts right in the middle, because that’s the part that applies:   _“And how, you don’t even know, but you know you’re off the tracks, and how did you get in here?  Thinking ‘How did I get in here?’_

Dominique blinks slowly, and glances around, confused.  But Mariana’s there, and just keeps singing.  Hopes it’s helping:

_‘I’ll help you break the walls down.  I’ll help you break the walls down.  I’ll bust you out and take you home, believe you me, you are not alone.  I’ll help you break the walls down…”_

–

“What?” Dominique croaks, glancing down at herself.  She’s covered in mud from her shoes to halfway up her shins.  Pants are ruined.  They’re in a cabin.  But not the one she fell asleep in.  She wants to panic.  Feels it rising in her, but Mariana’s here.  

She’s calm.  Calm enough to be singing.

“It’s okay.  I think you sleepwalked.  But I came with you.  We’re at Pearl and Levi’s.  But we can go home whenever you want, okay?”

Hearing the word  _home_  right now breaks Dominique.  She bends double.  Covers her face.  Loses it softly.  Brokenly.  For just a few seconds.  Maybe a minute.  

Because she’d been so sure she was back there in the rooms with the johns.  So sure no one even knew she was lost.  Thinking there was no way home.  Home was an illusion.  But being eleven, she still had to try.

And now…  Now she’s here.  States away from actual home.  And her parents.

But they’re days away from going home, and Dominique got through being away from them for way longer than this.

She draws in a shaky breath.  Stares straight ahead.  Speaks quietly, almost to herself, except she’s very aware of Mariana listening.

“Jesus gave Levi money tonight,” she says, in a dead voice.  “In front of me.”

Mariana nods, Dominique can see it in her peripheral vision.

“You know the thing I said?  That happened to me that’s kinda like what happened to Jesus but not exactly?”

“I remember,” Mariana comments, quiet.

“Men…used t-to… _pay_ …for me…”  Dominique stutters over the words.  They are the closest she can come to telling her friend she was kidnapped and then trafficked for almost a year.

She risks a glance at Mariana, who still sits, listening. Tears tracking silently down her face.  She offers her hand, palm up, on the couch between them.  Dominique regards it so long, Mariana turns it back over so it rests naturally.  Then, she inches her own hand so their pinkies almost touch.

After nearly a minute, just staring at their hands, Dominique stands up and walks toward the door.

“We’re going,” Mariana calls over her shoulder.  Dominique figures Pearl and Levi must be around somewhere, keeping a low profile.

The minute the door closes at their back, Dominique grips Mariana’s hand in the dark.  They walk back across the short distance.  Get to the door.  Find it locked.

“Shoot,” she says.  Instinct has her sidestepping to one of the wide windows.  She can see Jesus and Dudley sitting up on the couch.  Dominique gestures to him, pointing the the door.

In seconds, it’s open.

His eyes flash, and in a second, Dominique’s taking steps back.  If not for Mariana, she may have backed completely off the porch.

“Where  _were_  you guys?” he whispers.  “I get up and the door’s open and Dudley’s out on the porch.”

“It’s fine, Jesus.  We’re fine.  Go back to sleep,” Mariana urges.

Dominique’s glad that Mariana takes control, just walking back to their room.  Closing the door.  Dominique goes into the bathroom just off of their room and sits.

She stares at the shower.  She should.  She’s literally tracking dirt everywhere.

Dirt.

Her shoes.

Fear closes Dominique’s throat.  She can’t sleep without her shoes.

“Here,” Mariana says, bringing Dominique her bag.  

“Thanks,” Dominique manages. “Sorry about all this.”

“Don’t worry,” Mariana waves a hand.  “Hey…are you…okay?”

“My shoes…” Dominique says, her voice breaking.

Without a word, Mariana disappears, and Dominique’s sure she just has to crash, because now it’s like after 3 AM, and Mariana has only been trying to catch up on her sleep since she got here anyway.

Dominique doesn’t know what to do so she just sits on the closed toilet, staring at her ruined pants.  Shoes caked with mud.

Until Mariana comes back.  “Here,” she says again.

Dominique does a double take.  In Mariana’s hand are her electric teal shoes with yellow laces.  Don’t have a speck of dirt anywhere on them.

“What?” Dominique asks.

“We’re both sevens,” Mariana nods.  “Wear them.”  There’s a pause.  “I’m gonna go tell Jesus not to get hyper about cleaning the floors tonight.  We’ll do it tomorrow.”

Dominique nods.  

Once she’s alone, Dominique removes her shoes.  Her pants.  The Hermione costume is wrecked.

She opens her suitcase and manages to find the sweats she packed to sleep in.  Puts them on, trying not to look at herself as she does.  Last, she slides her feet into Mariana’s shoes.  They feel amazing.  Like her feet are being hugged.

Feeling super shy now, Dominique eases the bathroom door open.  Finds Mariana waiting on the other side.  Her own feet bare.  Muddy.  Probably cut up from going into the  woods without shoes.

“Here, let me help,” Dominique says, and finds a cloth.  She runs warm water over it.  Bends.  Wipes the mud from Mariana’s feet.

–

Pearl had not known that minutes could pass so slowly.  So silently.  She hadn’t been able to say a word when they were in Levi’s room, and she’d had to keep hushing Levi so she could try to listen at his bedroom door, in case the girls needed anything.

The moment they heard Mariana call that they were leaving, Pearl went back upstairs with Cleo.  The last thing she expected, though, was to see Levi stopping by the bathroom and coming out with her Swiffer.

“What are you doing?” she asks, trying to be patient with him.  But it is 3:30 now, and she has missed out on some vital sleeping time.  She doubts that Levi has slept at all.

“Cleaning,” he says, distracted.

“You don’t have to do that…” she sighs.

“I do, though,” he says in that quiet, determined way he has.

“We can do it tomorrow,” she offers.  

“No,” he says, looking her in the eyes.  “I’ll clean it now.  I got it.”

He’s thorough.  (A neat dresser, so maybe Pearl shouldn’t be surprised Levi’s a thorough mopper.)  But she hasn’t seen him so much as pick up a dish rag except next door.

First, he picks up the bigger clumps of mud.  Then, he makes a pass with wet Swiffer cloth.  Then, another pass with the dry Swiffer cloth this time.  It’s a challenge keeping Cleo from following the Swiffer around.

“Is that good?” he asks, after way too long obsessing after the mud.

“Yeah, looks good,” she tells him, stifling a yawn.  “Thanks.”

“You’re sure?” he checks.  “I can go over it again…”

“It looks good.  Okay?  Now, I’m going to try to get some more sleep.  You’ve got work in a few hours.  Try to get some yourself.”

“Okay…” he says, not seeming sure at all.

When she wakes up hours later, her floors shine, and Levi’s nowhere to be found.  On his way to work already.

Pearl stretches.

“Time to start the day…” she tells Cleo.  “And these are days I wish I was a coffee drinker…but after last night?  My nerves are shot.  Don’t tell Dominique.”

Cleo snorts and licks Pearl’s face.

“Is that ‘I promise’ in pug?” Pearl asks, cracking a smile.  

Cleo keeps right on licking.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” she laughs.


	11. Chapter 11

Regardless of what happened last night, Levi still has to show up for work at 9 AM.  It’s like some kind of cruel joke.  Zero sleep, and Levi has to show up and be productive and smile at customers for six hours.

It’s a Tuesday and Spring Break, so it’s fairly busy.  But any downtime Levi does have, he finds himself thinking about Dominique and wondering how she’s doing.  (It’s easier than thinking about how he’d totally panicked at the sight of muddy footprints on the floor.  Luckily, Pearl hadn’t commented much on that.)

It had been interesting - kind of nice - kind of different - seeing Pearl in the typical big sister way he’d always imagined her to be.  Protective.  She wasn’t upset about the mud either.  He just hoped she wouldn’t try to talk to him about it.  He was embarrassed enough.

His shift dragged by and Levi chugged Mountain Dew on his breaks, trying to stay awake.  Getting back into his car at 3:05, he spots the package Pearl needed to mail.  He doesn’t comment on how bad her phobia of going outside seems.  Levi hasn’t been back to The Barn himself.  He’s in no place to judge.

“Hi, how can I help you?”  (Jolly’s here.  His fav postal worker.  Yes.)

Levi steps up to the counter, and pays for postage on what he assumes are some knitted dog clothes.  He’s glad Pearl doesn’t dress Cleo up.  Levi’s a dog lover, definitely, but dressing animals up in clothing is weird.

On his way out, Levi watches.  He can’t relax his guard here, knowing she could be anywhere.  Can’t just wave hello to everybody he passes - like they seem to be able to do no problem.  He’s on his way across the lot when a cop car drives slowly behind him.

Levi sees it in his peripheral vision.  Tries to keep moving calmly.  Making sure his hands are in plain view.  He takes inventory of what he’s wearing - his work uniform, complete with a name tag.  His pulse speeds up, and Levi can’t relax until the cop car pulls off.  Maybe just coming out of the post office, maybe not.

It’s moments like this (and a thousand others) that make Levi understand exactly why Pearl prefers to stay in.

Things still aren’t perfect between them.  Levi still feels kinda like Dominique said she did.  Like Pearl wants him around to do stuff, but not to be a part of them.  He wonders if they’re glad he worked today, so they can just hang out together without him.

–

“So then I was supposed to just go back to bed.  Like…I wake up.  The cabin door’s wide open.  Dudley’s outside.  And  _then_ , they come back and there’s freaking mud everywhere!  But Mariana’s like ‘Don’t worry about it.’” Jesus rants.

Pearl scoffs.  “Right.  Like you’re just gonna go back to sleep no problem, after that.”

“Seriously…” Jesus nods.  “So I just had to lie there and try not to obsess about how muddy everything was.  Luckily, Francesca slept through the whole thing.  And luckily she loves to Swiffer…”

“Oh, my God.  After they left last night?  I’m talking like 3 AM?  Levi’s out here.”

“Swiffering?” Jesus asks, incredulous.

“Swiffering!” Pearl exclaims.  Cleo nips at her, just in case her anxiety’s getting out of control.

“I’m so jealous,” Jesus says.  “I can’t admit that to just anybody, you know?  How I just wanted to take care of it right away.  But instead, I got to watch Francesca stop and examine every footprint and talk about the mess, and then Swiffer it…like…agonizingly slowly.  Like it was fun or something.”

Pearl shrugs.  “Maybe it was.”

“Yeah, maybe.  Seriously, though, are you okay?  I know unexpected knocking isn’t your favorite…” he ventures.

“No, it definitely is not.  I can’t say we got too much sleep here.  I don’t know if Levi slept at all.”

“Is he okay?” Jesus asks.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, he seems…lost…” Jesus ventures, thoughtful.

“Well, he isn’t.  He has a home here.  With me.”

“I know, I just mean…I don’t know.” Jesus admits.

Pearl sighs.  “I try to keep an eye on him, you know?  But it’s hard when it’s…”

“That week?” Jesus offers, soft.

Pearl nods.  “Ever since I ran into Jared in the post office that one time?  It’s gotten worse.  Almost like when I still lived at home.  I struggle to go out, Jesus.”

“You came to get us,” he says, encouraged.  

“Yeah, after I dragged Levi out of bed and practically forced him to come with me, because I didn’t want to drive alone,  And then, I snapped at him for going to get in the passenger side…”

Jesus winces.  “It’s a hard week.  Does he know that?”

“I think he knows the broad strokes.  You know, thanks to town gossip.  But he doesn’t know specifics.  No dates.”

“Maybe it would help,” Jesus suggests, his eyes falling on her wrist, where he can still see the bracelet he’d given her years ago.

“Yeah, but you don’t tell your family your hard times are coming.  They just know.”

“But he can’t read your mind on this, Pearl,” Jesus counters.

It’s at that moment that the cabin door opens and Levi walks in.  “Your package will be there Saturday,” he says over his shoulder.

“Aren’t you gonna say hi to Jesus?” Pearl asks.

Jesus shakes his head at her.

“No,” she whispers to him.  “He should be polite.”

“Hey,” Levi calls, on his way down the stairs.

“Seriously.  Am I old?  Are all teenagers like that?”

“Maybe give him a break,” Jesus tries again.

Pearl deflates.  “Am I doing it again?  Being too hard on him?  I am, aren’t I?  I’m on him, because he’s a good kid.  I’m on him when he acts like a typical teenager.  He must feel like he can’t win with me.  I’m terrible.  Oh my God, I  _am_  my mother…”

Cleo nips at Pearl’s hands in earnest now.  They tremble in a way she usually tries to hide but doesn’t now.  

“Take a deep breath?”  he asks.  “You’re not terrible.  But you are aware.  And that’s awesome.  So maybe before too much time passes, you go to him and apologize.”

“Should I explain, or…?” Pearl hedges, nervous.

“Would you have wanted that from your mom when she hurt your feelings?”

“No,” Pearl admits.  “I’d just want her to say she’s sorry.  To mean it.”

“There you go.” Jesus nods.

–

Dominique stretches out in the bed.  She and Mariana and Francesca haven’t left it all day.  They’re all gathered around Francesca’s IPad watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone together.

Jesus is next door talking to Pearl.  Dominique’s trying not to imagine all the things they’re saying about her, and how messed up she is.  At least she know Levi had to work today, so he’s not talking about her.

“Where’d you guys go last night?” Francesca asks absently, crunching a handful of popcorn.

“We were here,” Mariana says, voice even.

Dominique is impressed at how sure Mariana is.

“Not all night,” Francesca counters.

“What do you mean?” Mariana wonders.

“Like, the door was open.  You guys left, and Dudley went outside after you.  Then, Jesus got up to go get him and shut the door again.  He was saying, “God, oh my God, okay, calm down” and stuff.  I think he thought somebody came and stole you or something.”

Dominique feels chill bumps rise all over.  She can’t say anything.

“No one stole us,” Mariana maintains.  She’s looking at Dominique for permission to say more, but Dominique can’t raise her eyes.

She’s thinking about being actually stolen.  It sucks.

“So, what was it?” Francesca insists.

“Nothing.  Just watch the movie okay?” Dominique says, soft.  

“What did you say to Jesus last night?” Mariana checks.  “Anything?”

“Nope, he just thought I was still sleeping.  I wanna know what you guys were doing.  Did somebody make you go outside?  If there are bad people here, I wanna know, so I can be ready.”

This is so not the day to tell Francesca about her nightmare life.  If Francesca knew any of the shit Dominique had to go through at her age?  Well, Dominique would just rather not tell her.  She’d rather Francesca keep her innocence about the world.

But she also doesn’t want Francesca worried about things she doesn’t have to be worrying about.

“Sometimes…” Dominique starts, reaching over to pause the movie.  “When people have bad dreams, they sleepwalk.”

“Like a zombie?” Francesca asks, her eyes wide.

“No, like a person.”  Dominique still feels chilled, remembering how she and her imaginary friend (Jesus, who had also been a missing child then) talked about whether the johns and the pimps were zombies, or whether  _they_  were zombies, not even human.  “Sometimes, when a person has a bad dream, it can feel like it’s really happening.”

“What did you dream?” Francesca asks, holding Dominique’s hand.  

“That I…” Dominique draws a shaky breath.  “…had to get away from bad people.  That I was in danger…”

“You thought this cabin was dangerous?” Francesca wonders, incredulous.

“I didn’t know it was this cabin, babe.  I thought I was somewhere else.”

“I’m glad you didn’t leave forever,” Francesca says, serious.  “I was worried you guys weren’t gonna come back.”

“We’ll always come back,” Mariana promises.

“Unpause,” Francesca decides, and they go back to watching, shoulder to shoulder to shoulder, feeling cozy.  Safe.  Just like sisters should.

–

Pearl has said okay to Jesus taking Cleo and Dudley out for a walk together.  It’ll give her a few minutes to try and talk to Levi.

It’s easier said than done.  

She knows she needs to do better by him.  Knows even though she’s not his mom, that’s the energy in their dynamic a lot of the time.  (She’s never had a brother, but she’s had a mother.  Knows that feeling.  Knows she wants to be better than her own, who never apologizes.)

Pearl knocks on Levi’s door.  Waits.

“Yeah?” Levi’s sleepy voice answers.  She should have guessed he’d be sleeping now.  

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.  Go back to sleep,” she urges, feeling bad.  “I’ll come back later.”

“I’m up now,” he says rubbing his eyes.  Sitting up.  “What’s up?”

She comes in.  Stands awkwardly.  Finally, sits in his single chair.  “I just wanted to apologize for being so hard on you lately.  I really am sorry.  You’re a really good kid.  A good brother.  I hope you know that.”

“Will you tell your friends?” he asks, in a small voice.

“I’m sorry?” she asks.  (Even when she’s asking for clarification it’s an apology.  Wow.)

“Will you tell your friends…that I’m your brother?” he asks carefully, looking her in the eye.  There’s something like desperation on his face.

“You want me to?” Pearl asks, feeling clueless.

“Yeah, I want you to.  The way it is now…feels kinda like you’re ashamed of me.”

Pearl opens her mouth.  Closes it.  “Yes,” she says.  “I will tell them.  I never want you to feel like I’m ashamed of you.  Because I’m not.  I love you.”

“Do you?” he asks.

“Of course I do, Levi…” Pearl says, swallowing back tears.  “Of course I do.”

“It just…kinda doesn’t feel like of course when you lie to your friends about me and pick apart everything I do.  And say I Swiffer too much…”

She cringes.  “You heard that, huh?”

He nods.

“I am sorry.  I’ll do better.  Okay?  I’m sorry I hurt you,” she says, making herself keep eye contact with him as she says the words.  “Can I give you a hug?”

“…I mean…if you want…” he hesitates.

“I do, very much.”

“Okay then,” Levi nods.

Pearl crosses to him in two steps.  Sits on the bed and folds him into her arms.  “We got a lot of these to catch up on, huh?  How many times a day do people hug you?”

“My dad hugged me every day…” he admits, his voice shaking.  “I mean,  _our_ dad…  Mom, too.”

“Oh, my God, you’re  _13,000_  hugs in the hole…” Pearl sighs, squeezing him tighter.

Levi laughs.  “You just pull that number out of the air, or do math in your head?”

“…Mmm…  Which one would make me cooler?” Pearl asks.

“In your head,” he pulls back, smiling.  “Thank you.  This helps.”

“I’ll hug you tonight, too, before you go to bed.  Sound good?” she asks.

“If you’ll follow through,” he ventures.

“I will,” Pearl promises.  “And I’ll tell my friends the truth about you.”

“What’s that?” he asks, careful again.

“That you’re my brother.  And that I am so happy that you’re in my life.”

She doesn’t miss it when Levi leans into her.


	12. Chapter 12

For dinner, Francesca helps Jesus make chicken and rice in Grandpa’s old crockpot.  It still works.  And chicken wild rice smells amazing. Especially the paprika.  If you never had it before, you should.  

“So, are we gonna have Feelings Time again tonight?” she asks, kneeling on a chair to stare through the lid at the way the food cooks and bubbles.

“You liked that, huh?” Jesus asks.

“Mm-hmm…  Oh.  By the way.  Mariana and Dominique?  They’re fine.  Sometimes people just have bad dreams and sleepwalk.  So, that’s all that happened.  No bad guy, like, took them or anything,” Francesca reports.

“I thought you were asleep…” Jesus mutters, quiet.

“I heard stuff,” Francesca shares.  “Not everything, but a little bit.”  She bites her lip.  “Was that bad to say?  Did I make you remember stuff?”

“I remember it anyway.  It’s okay.  I know you didn’t mean to,” Jesus says, squeezing her shoulder.

But Francesca still does feel guilty.  She wouldn’t care if somebody made her remember scary things on accident, she’d still be upset with them.  She thinks and thinks about what she can do to show Jesus how sorry she is.  Then, Francesca gets down off the chair and goes to their snacks.  Picks out the puffy Cheetos (hers and Jesus’s favorite) and holds out the bag for him.

“Here.”

He turns and looks at it.  “Buddy, I’m okay.  I don’t need Cheetos right now.”

But that makes Francesca really worried.  Because Jesus always wants food, and if he ever doesn’t?  It might mean his trauma’s getting too strong.  Francesca wonders what to do.  This is a confusing time.

Consent is always true.  That means Francesca has to respect that Jesus says no.  Has to not say he has to eat any Cheetos.  But he’s told them before at Avoidance meetings that if he says no to food, he might not be okay.  She tries to think back to what she’s supposed to do.  Should she get Mariana?  Dominique?

She doesn’t want to make Jesus feel any more different than he does right now.  Like he is weird or bad.  Because he’s not.  She opens the bag and takes out one Cheeto, offering it to him, with a whisper:  “You’re a human, Jesus, remember?  And humans always need food.”

He looks at her like he’s not there for a second.  Then, like he is.  He takes the Cheeto.  Eats it.  She holds out another so he won’t think he can only have one.

She walks over to the table.  Jesus does too.  She puts the bag down in front of him but he doesn’t take any, so she keeps giving him them one at a time.  It’s almost dinner, but he’s a grown up, so it doesn’t matter if he has a snack before he eats.  Jesus has to always know it’s okay to eat.

Mariana and Dominique come in from outside with their books.  Dominique walks to the crockpot, to check on their food while Mariana sits at the table with Francesca and Jesus.

“Hey…you wanna go next door and ask Levi and Pearl if they wanna come for dinner?” Mariana asks.  Just like that, she takes over offering Jesus Cheetos.  Dominique’s scooping out some chicken and rice (probably for Jesus.)  She gets a water, too, for him.  Nobody acts like this is weird.

Francesca’s mouth drops open.  “Me?  Really?  I can go by myself?” she asks.

“Yeah.  We’ll be able to see you through the window.”

“What do I say?” she asks, suddenly shy.

Having CP means sometimes she doesn’t get to do things other kids do until she’s way older than they are.  Usually, when she goes places, even close to home, somebody comes with her.  This is the first time she’s been allowed to go alone.

“Can I take this?” Dominique asks, after putting the plate and the water on the table for Jesus.

Mariana nods.  So does Jesus.

Dominique squats in front of Francesca.  “So, you knock on the door.  When they answer, you say, “Do you guys wanna come over for dinner?”

“Then what?”

“If they say yes, you can walk back here with them,” Dominique says.

“What if they say no?” Francesca worries.  “And I have to walk back by myself.  I’ll feel stupid…”

“Come here, babe,” Dominique sits on a chair.  Pats her lap so Francesca knows it’s okay to sit.

“What do we know about saying no?” Jesus asks.  He sounds better now that he’s eating real food and drinking real water.

“It’s not personal.  Everybody has the right to say it.”  Francesca remembers.

“Yeah.  Good job,” Jesus tells her.  (Dudley’s resting his head in Jesus’s lap.  It’s the cutest thing he does.)

“But I mean…”  Francesca can’t think of what to say.  All she feels is a bunch of bad feelings.  She clenches her fists tight.

“Here.  Hold my hands,” Dominique encourages.  It’s quiet enough that maybe Jesus and Mariana don’t notice.  Dominique gives Francesca both hands to hold.  “Squeeze tight.  Hard as you want,” she says.  She’s so nice.

She feels like she’s gonna cry and doesn’t know why.  This isn’t a reason to get upset, so why is she?

“I promise it’s okay…” Dominique whispers.

Francesca pulls her hands away and covers her face.  She doesn’t want anybody to see this.  It’s so embarrassing to be crying over nothing.

She tries to slide away onto the floor.  Wants to hide somewhere nobody can see.  But Dominique’s holding her a little tighter.  

“It’s okay.  I promise.  You can let it out.  Nobody’s gonna tease you.  Or tell you your feelings don’t matter.”  

Francesca tries to keep her crying quiet, so Jesus won’t hear it and be scared.  But it’s hard.  Everything is hard.  It’s not fair.  Somewhere, she’s glad that Jesus and Mariana are ignoring her right now.  Too much attention would make this even worse.

Dominique’s hugging her.  Asking, “Do you wanna go somewhere more private?”  And when Francesca nods, asking, “Can I pick you up?”

Francesca nods again, a little worried that Dominique might not be strong enough to even carry her, but she is.

They go outside onto the porch.  The air is good and fresh out here.  Francesca breathes, and it feels better.  She only has to cry a little bit more.

Dominique waits like they have forever.  Until Francesca’s not crying anymore at all.  She tries again to slide off Dominique’s lap, but Dominique holds on.

“I’m going next door,” she pouts.

“Not yet,” Dominique says.  So patient.  “Just sit here with me.  It’s okay.  There’s no hurry.”

Finally, Francesca sighs and lays her head against Dominique’s chest.  “I don’t know what happened.  I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t apologize,” Dominique says, holding Francesca’s hands in her own.  “Letting your feelings out is healthy.”

“I don’t know,” Francesca repeats.

“Yeah?” Dominique asks.  “About going next door?”

Francesca shrugs.  “It’s complicated…” she admits, remembering what Dominique’s told her about big issues.

“Most important things are,” Dominique comments.  “We have time to talk about whatever you need to.”

“I feel like it’s stupid…” Francesca admits.  

“What, specifically?”

“To have this big reaction…  To be afraid…”

“This big reaction is valid.  Being afraid is valid.  What are you afraid of?  Do you know?”

“Moms never let me go anywhere by myself because of what happened to Jesus…” she admits.  “They always have to drive me.  Drop me off.  Or have Jesus pick me up.  Especially if it’s a short way.”

Dominique listens.

“So, it’s part that.  And then…like…if they don’t wanna come over with us?”

“Talk to me about that.  Makes you nervous?”

Francesca shakes her head.

“Sad?” Dominique tries again.

“Like…I failed…” Francesca admits softly, looking at her lap.  “Like I was supposed to do this easy thing, and I couldn’t.  Like I let you guys down.  And also…like they don’t wanna come over…and maybe it’s because  _I_ asked…”

“So, you’re worried because it’s new, and not something you’ve tried before,” Dominique reviews slowly.  “And if Levi and Pearl don’t wanna come over, it will feel like you disappointed us.  And like they’re rejecting you?” she finishes, asking.

Francesca nods.

“Well, that’s a lot.  No wonder you were so overwhelmed,” Dominique kisses the top of Francesca’s head.

“Really?” Francesca asks.  Her voice is scratchy.  Kind of trembly.

“Really.  Maybe it was too fast, asking you to walk next door by yourself all at once.”

“But then I feel like it’s right what everybody says.  That I’m a big baby.”

“You’re not.  And it’s smart to be cautious.  Like you told Jesus at the airport, right?  Safety in numbers?  Should we go together?”

“You’d go with me?” Francesca says, not quite believing her luck.

“Babe, of course I will.”

“Okay,” Francesca takes a deep breath and then looks at Dominique.  “On a scale of one to ten, how sobby do I look?”

Dominique squints.  “Are you quoting a line from a certain show you’re not supposed to be watching?”

“Maybe…” Francesca grins slyly.

“I won’t tell,” Dominique promises.  “And you look honest.”

Francesca blinks.  “Oh.  I guess that’s good.”

They hold hands and walk next door, Dominique running through what Francesca should do when they get there.  She’ll be there for moral support only.  She’ll let Francesca do all the knocking and the talking, but Dominique will be there to help if Francesca gets nervous or something.

They get to Pearl and Levi’s cabin.  “Do you think Jesus and Mariana are watching?” Francesca wonders.

“Oh, I can pretty much guarantee it…” Dominique nods.

So Francesca turns to wave at the giant windows of Grandpa’s cabin.  Even though they can’t see it, Francesca imagines them waving back.  Being glad Francesca got there safe.  She hopes they aren’t disappointed she’s not ready to walk over somewhere by herself yet.

Turning back to the door, Francesca takes a deep breath and blows it out.  “You can do this,” she tells herself.  Then, she does it.  She knocks.

The door is pulled open and Levi’s standing there.  A slow smile starts on his face seeing who it is.

Francesca looks to Dominique, feeling shy again.

“You got this,” Dominique encourages.

“Um…hi…  I was wondering if you wanted to…like if you guys didn’t eat yet or something…  Um…if you…”

“Are you guys having dinner?” Levi asks, curious.

Francesca nods.  

“Is there enough for two more?” he asks.

Francesca smiles.  “Yes.  It’s chicken and rice.  In the crockpot.  Do you guys want some?”

“Definitely.  Pearl, come on.  Dinner next door.”

They walk back, Francesca still holding Dominique’s hand.

“I bet your chicken and rice tastes amazing,” Pearl says.

“It smells amazing.  I know that,” Francesca nods.  “Do you guys like spices?  There’s paprika in this.”

They say they do.  Then, quietly, Levi asks Dominique if she’s okay.  Dominique nods, but looks a little bit embarrassed.  Francesca doesn’t know why.  She squeezes Dominique’s hand a little bit.  For moral support.

The minute they open the door, Pearl takes a big, deep breath, and says, “Oh my gosh, Francesca was right.  It smells heavenly over here.”

Everybody lines up and gets plates and scoops of chicken and rice.  Like usual, Francesca helps Jesus, and Jesus helps her.  He gives her vegetables even though they’re gross.  He says it’s because he cares about her, and wants her to be healthy.  She gives him a big scoop of those, because if she has to eat green beans, so does Jesus.

“Hey, buddy?  You okay?” Jesus checks.

“Yeah.  Dominique helped me.”

“We’re sorry.  If it was something we said,” Jesus apologizes.

Francesca shakes her head.  They sit down.  “It just felt kinda fast.  And I got scared…” she admits.

“That makes sense,” Jesus nods, looking sad.  “Can I give you a hug?”

She nods and he does.  Jesus gives the second-best hugs ever.  After Dominique.

Francesca pulls back and looks him in the eyes.  “I did it, though.  I asked them to have dinner with us, and they wanted to…”

Cleo’s trying to jump up on a chair.  Pearl picks her up and puts her on the floor.

“I’m proud of you.” Jesus says.

For once, instead of ducking her head, Francesca keeps looking at him in the eyes.  And smiles.


	13. Chapter 13

Pearl arrives at Frank’s cabin and, just like Francesca said, it smells incredible.  She waits until everyone is seated and eating to speak up, knowing how important it is that she do this ASAP, so that Levi doesn’t persist in thinking she’s ashamed of him. **  
**

She clears her throat:  “Um.  Just so everybody here knows.  Levi’s not just my roommate.  He’s my brother.”

There’s barely a reaction from Jesus, who nods.  Dominique doesn’t even glance up.  Mariana says, “Mm-hmm.”  But Francesca’s skeptical.

“Are you sure he’s not your  _son_?” she asks.

Pearl laughs, and glances over at Levi, who’s blushing.  “I’m positive.  I think giving birth is something I’d recall.  And I can’t take credit for the great person he is.  He came that way.”

“But… _how_  are you brother and sister?”  Francesca pushes.  “She didn’t have a brother when we came last time, right?” Looking to Jesus and Mariana for confirmation, Francesca waits.  “Oh, did your family adopt him later?”

“Well, I  _did_  have a brother then, I just didn’t know about him yet,” Pearl clarifies, at the same time as Levi shakes his head and says, “I’m not adopted.”

She can see Levi out of the corner of her eye.  He’s shielding his face with one hand.  Actually eating with the other.  Pearl’s glad to see that.  But she keeps talking, not wanting Levi to feel put on the spot.

“I…wasn’t sure how to bring it up with you guys.  It’s still new for me to have a brother. But I care about him very much, and I wanted you guys to know the truth.”

“Brothers are nice,” Francesca puts in.  “Jesus is the nicest.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Jesus says.  “And thanks for helping me out earlier.  You did good.”

“Oh.  I wasn’t sure…” Francesca ventures.

Pearl’s not sure what any of them are talking about right now, but she doesn’t push.  “Guys, this is delicious.  Who cooked?”

Jesus raises a hand.

“You?”  Pearl’s incredulous.  There was a time when Jesus couldn’t do this.  Couldn’t prepare food without serious anxiety.  “Wow.  That’s a big deal.”

“Thanks,” he smiles a little.

“Do you guys, like…I don’t know…need anything?” Mariana speaks up.

“Need anything?” Pearl echoes, confused.

“Like…for your brother-sister thing.  It just…seems like it could be a lot.  And do you need us?”

Pearl casts a meaningful look Levi’s way, raising her eyebrows.  “Well…if you wanted to…you could hug us…” she admits.

“We’ll ask first,” Jesus interjects.

“Sounds good.”

“So, Levi, how was work?” Pearl asks, eager to involve him in the conversation.

“It was fine.”

“Was Gladys working?  Was she awful?” Pearl wonders.

Levi glances up, a slow smile crossing his face.  “No, she wasn’t.  Thankfully.”

“Who’s Gladys?” Francesca stage-whispers.

“This woman, and she’s worked where I work for like 30 years or something.  She knows everything about every customer.  She’s kinda nosy.” Levi wrinkles his own nose.

“Maybe if we need groceries sometime when we’re here, we could go to your store when you’re working and see you.” Francesca suggests.

“If you want…” Levi says.

“We do.  Are you and Gladys both cashiers?  ‘Cause I’d much rather go through your checkout than hers.  No offense,” Francesca adds.

Levi cracks up.  And Pearl realizes, it’s the first time she’s heard him laugh like this.  She hopes she gets to hear it again.

–

Dominique stays quiet, listening.  Keeping an eye on Jesus and Francesca.  Both seem okay.  She knows, too, by the way Levi and Mariana are glancing at her that they’re keeping an eye on her, too.

She can’t help but think about what Pearl said about hugs.  Dominique knows they were meant to be optional.  But if they need them, shouldn’t Dominique oblige?

It makes things blurry.  And Dominique’s spent too much of the past 24 hours in that blurry place.

“What if…” she starts, and stops.  She’s barely touched her food.  

“What if?” Mariana echoes.

“What if we’re not really…hug people?” she asks.  “Y’all said you needed them and just…I don’t know…”

“ _Need_  was the wrong word to use, maybe,” Pearl allows. “We’d  _like_  them, but only if you guys  _want_  to give them.  They’re not required.”

“But people  _do_  need hugs,” Francesca objects.  “Without them, you get lonely.  Won’t you and Levi get lonely?”

“Well, that’s not your responsibility,” Pearl reassures.

“But like…” Francesca hesitates.  “It  _is_ , kind of.  We take care of each other.  What happens if you don’t get the hugs you need?”

Pearl glances around the table, surprised.  

Dominique nods.  “Well?  What happens?”  It’s light.  Almost fun. But there’s an edge to her voice, letting them know this is serious to her.

“We’re already kinda behind….but we’re okay…” Levi tries.  

“But what  _happens_?” Dominique presses, intensity creeping into her voice.

“Hey.  It’s okay,” Mariana reassures lowly, nodding at Dominique.  “Breathe.”

So Dominique tries.  But it’s hard.  Navigating this situation where affection’s not exactly forced, but it is expected is hard.  Dominique needs to know what will happen if she doesn’t follow through.

“What are you asking?” Pearl wonders.  “Can you be any more specific about your question?  What happens  _when_?”

But Dominique can’t do this.  She can’t say all this here with everybody looking at her.  She meets Jesus’s eyes, desperate, and hoping that maybe he’ll understand where she’s at in her head right now.

“I think…” he starts slowly.  “Dominique might be wondering…if we don’t want to hug someone…is there ever a chance that person would get mad?   _Make_  us?  Hurt us maybe if we don’t.”

Dominique nods almost imperceptibly.

“No,” Pearl answers, softly, but emphatically.  “It seems that I may have inadvertently opened a can of worms by mentioning hugging.  But if you don’t hug me, I won’t get mad, or make you or hurt you.”

“At all?  Ever?” Dominique presses.

“At all.  Ever,” Pearl echoes.

Dominique looks at Levi expectantly.  She’s more concerned about him right now, but she hopes he can’t tell.

“If you don’t wanna hug me, I’ll respect that.  Respect you.  I’d never get mad or hurt you or make you.  I wasn’t raised that way.” Levi says seriously.

“Never?” Dominique asks.

“Never,” Levi insists gently.

–

Levi’s not sure if it’s okay for them to be here now.  With Dominique so nervous.  He wonders what could have happened to her - and Jesus - to make them think they might get hurt if they said no to hugging.

But then, he thinks about another time.  Years ago.  Saying no, and it just not mattering at all.  

Just like that he gets it.  He feels kinda sick.

Doesn’t wanna talk about feelings.  Feels like this whole thing is probably his fault.  If he hadn’t made such a big deal about Pearl telling them he was her brother, Mariana wouldn’t have asked about what they needed.  And Dominique and Jesus wouldn’t be worried about being hurt if they said no.

He wonders if anybody would notice if he just slipped out the door, but the minute he stands, Jesus is there.

“Hey.  Hug?” he asks.  Back home, they didn’t ask.  Hugs were always just given.  But thinking about it now, there were times when hugs didn’t feel the best.  Asking might be a good thing to start doing.

Levi nods, and he’s surprised when Jesus holds on a little.  It’s not a guy-hug.  Not kinda close for two seconds while you slap each other on the back.  It’s a real hug.  Arms around you.  Holding you.  It chokes him thinking this might be the first guy-hug he’s gotten since his dad.

He tries to swallow his feelings.  Levi can’t afford to fall apart right now.  Not when they’re all just starting to accept him.  He takes a step back and Jesus lets go.  Levi nods a little.  “I was just thinking I should go…”

“Not before we do Feelings Laundry, right?” Francesca asks, alarmed.  “We need all of us for that.”

“Just…if it’s my fault, Dominique, that you’re upset…maybe it’d be best if I jet?”

“Hang on.  Let’s talk.  Come with me,” Dominique urges.

They go to the living room, where no one is, and she sits in a chair across the room.  Levi sits on the couch.  Waits.

“Talk to me?” she asks.  “Why were you gonna go?”

“I made you uncomfortable,” he says.  “Pearl told you guys about me because I asked her.  The hug stuff came up because of that.”

“The hug stuff came up because of  _me_.  Because of  _my_  trauma.  Not because of you.  If you meant what you said about not hurting me.  Not forcing me.  Not getting mad?  Then, we’re good.  Did you mean it?”

“Yes,” Levi says earnestly.

“So, stay.  Please.  Be a part of us.  Don’t bail.  It’s okay to have feelings here.  It’s okay to need to be acknowledged.  It makes sense.  Nobody begrudges you for that.”

“Some do…”  It’s that thing again.  Where the words are out of his mouth before he can think them through or call them back.

“Nobody  _here_  is begrudging you for that.  Are they?” Dominique checks.

“I guess not…” Levi realizes.

“I get that this is a lot to get used to.  This level of honesty.  Vulnerability.  But trust that we want you with us.  Yes, you were a surprise, but a great one.  Okay?”

Levi raises an eyebrow.  Hearing Dominique talk about vulnerability like this makes him realize for the first time that she’s not wearing a costume.  He kinda misses it.  And it kinda feels, for the first time, like he’s really seeing her.  He likes the feeling, because maybe it means she trusts him.  Or she’s starting to.

“What ice cream goes best with Feelings Laundry?” Francesca calls from the kitchen.

“Rocky Road?” Levi offers dryly.

Behind him in the kitchen, Pearl cracks up.  So does everybody else.

And it feels almost good.  Almost right.  To have made everyone laugh with his honest opinion on something.  Maybe even because they share it, too.

Just like that, Pearl’s behind him, embracing him.  Dominique’s backed off.

“Oh, I love you,” she’s still laughing.  “We have the same sense of humor.  You know that, right?”

“So…you love me because we’re alike?” he asks, remembering that Dominique’s said it’s okay to be vulnerable here.

“I love you because you’re you,” she corrects gently.  Still holding onto him.  She lets go.  Comes  around to sit next to him on the couch.  “But I do think it’s cool to see ways we’re similar.  I’ve never had that before.  Someone I share similarities with in that way.”

“So, you know what that means…” he asks slowly.

“What?”

“You have Dad’s sense of humor,” Levi pulls out his phone.  Pulls up his favorite Dad video, and hands the phone to her.  

Pearl glances at him.  “What’s this?”

“Dad checking out at the grocery store.  I was recording him on the DL because sometimes he’d have really funny conversations with the cashiers.  But this time?  I just recorded this little bit.  And…well…it’s…  It’s Dad.”

Hesitantly, Pearl presses the play button and Dad comes to life on screen, a few months before he died.  Dad’s down paying for the groceries while somebody’s bagging them up.  Off camera, the bag boy asks:

“ _Would you like your milk in a bag, sir_?”

And Dad responds - totally serious - “ _No, just leave it in the carton_!”

Laughter explodes out of Pearl, surprising him.

“Oh, God,” she gasps.  “He did not just say that!”

“He did,” Levi manages, laughing a little, too.

“How did you keep it together?” she asks.

“I didn’t!  The camera’s shaking!” Levi points out.  

“What’s funny?” Francesca asks, coming to see.  Jesus, Mariana and Dominique follow.

“Come see this video Levi has of our dad…” Pearl invites, patting the couch.  So they sit together.  Watch.  Wait.  And soon enough, they’re all laughing, too.

Levi misses him.  Hard.  But it’s moments like this that make him feel a little more alive.  A little more with him.

And sharing his memories makes Levi feel a little bit less alone.


	14. Chapter 14

Levi can’t help but be a little doubtful.  It’s not that he doesn’t trust Pearl.  But he’s kinda instantly suspicious when anyone promises anything.

_I can watch him._

_I’ll be back in 5 minutes._

Plus, Levi can’t get past the feeling that Pearl is only doing this because Jesus told her to.  Not because she actually wants to.  It hadn’t mattered how many times Levi himself had talked to her.  Had asked her the questions on his mind.  She hadn’t listened until Jesus mentioned it.

He gets it isn’t the best to read into everybody’s motives, but he really can’t help it, especially when it’s Pearl.  

Yeah, it was nice for that minute when everybody got together and laughed about Dad.  But it doesn’t fix what’s really wrong.  Dad’s still gone.  What happened still happened.  No one knows, except him.  And if Levi ever tells?  Everything he’s done to try to make living here doable will come crashing down.

He doesn’t think he has it in him for any more feelings laundry.  His feelings are complicated.  And he’s growing to like Francesca, but some things just aren’t good for eleven-year-olds to hear.  Or basically strangers.  Or his sister.

Or anybody.

So, see, it’s best if he just doesn’t say anything.  Ever.

But soon enough they’re all gathering around the kitchen table again.  Levi wishes he could just leave.  He’s exhausted.  Needs sleep.  Needs anything but more time with his guard down.  But everybody here seems to appreciate a lowered guard.

It just is not something Levi’s used to.

He let his guard down enough today.  Now?  Time to retreat.

“I might just go…” he tries again.  “You guys can talk feelings or have time together.”

“No, Levi, come on.  Stay,” Pearl encourages, patting a chair next to her.

“You’re gonna miss ice cream if you leave,” Francesca adds, licking her spoon.

“More for you guys,” he insists.

“There’s enough,” Dominique tells him.  “For all of us.”

“I know…just…”

“Not comfortable?” Dominique guesses.

He shakes his head.  

“Wanna go outside for a bit?” she asks.  “Get some air?”

“You don’t have to…” Levi says.  He hates feeling like others go out of their way for him.  Like he needs special treatment.

“I want to,” Dominique tells him honestly.

In the end, they amble down the dock together.  Sit side by side looking out at the lake.  It’s still cool, but not terrible.  The sun’s getting ready to set.  Dominique takes a picture.

“You ever feel like everything’s fake?” he asks after long minutes of silence.

He can feel Dominique glance his way, but he doesn’t look back.

“How do you mean that?” she wonders.

“Like…promises?  Good intentions?  Good moments?  I always read into them and think, ‘Oh, this won’t happen.’  ‘This is only happening because of that,’ ‘This won’t last.’”

“Yeah, I’d say that sounds familiar,” Dominique nods.

“Makes me feel terrible.  Like a bad person.  That I don’t trust….”

“Don’t trust?” Dominique asks.

“Pearl, I guess…” he admits.  “She made this total 180 after talking to Jesus.  He basically told her everything I ever tried to say…but she listened to him.  After she freaked out to him about how much I was Swiffering…”

“I did not know that was a verb…” she says, amused.  She grows serious again when she sees he’s not laughing.  “Why were you Swiffering?”

“There might have been some mud on the floor, after you and Mariana left last night…” Levi ventures, looking out at the water.

“We are the worst houseguests ever.  Barge in in the middle of the night.  Leave a mess behind.  Sorry.”

“It’s not that,” he sighs.

“Okay.  What?” she asks.

“It’s that she can give literally anybody else the benefit of the doubt.  If they do something, she looks deeper.  When I do something, I’m just her annoying little brother, who cleans too much…”

“So, you want her to look deeper…”

“Maybe I want my word to be enough?” Levi offers, hesitant.  “Maybe I want her to get that if I’m doing something that seems strange because of timing or whatever, there might be something more going on.  She extends that understanding to Jesus.  To you guys.  Not to me.”

“Not to me,” Dominique scoffs.  “But yeah, I bet that feels really unfair.  I’m sorry.  And if you needed to clean, I believe there was a reason that makes perfect sense, even if Pearl thought it was silly.”

“Thanks…” Levi smiles a little.

Silence falls again.  And eventually, Dominique breaks it.  “I’ve found…Jesus is a loyal friend…and a great advocate.”

“Yeah, I’m getting that.  He’s not the issue.  It’s that his word holds more weight for her than mine does…”

“Do you think it’s because you two haven’t known each other for long yet?” Dominique asks carefully.

“I mean, it’s been…months.  Several.  And like, I’m her brother.  Shouldn’t that mean she trusts me?”

“Ideally, maybe.  But you mentioned you don’t trust her.  Maybe that takes time to build.”

“But it sucks.  Feeling like everybody’s last choice, you know?  The last person to be believed.  Just last.”

“You got anybody to talk to about this?  Your mom?” Dominique wonders.

“I can stop,” Levi says, taking the hint.

“What?” Dominique seems confused.

“Like, if you’d rather I talk to someone else…I get it.”

“Levi.  I’m here.  I just asked that because I was concerned.  That you seem really isolated with this…  Not because I don’t wanna listen to you.”

“Feels the same, I guess,” he shrugs.

“I’m not rejecting you,” she says plainly and he blinks.

“Oh.  You’re just concerned?” he asks, trying to understand.

“Right.”

“You know how Francesca said last night that we don’t have any trauma.  So we shouldn’t sit down and talk with you guys?  Well, I think…maybe…I might…”

Dominique just listens.

“But no one notices.  I know Pearl’s got her own stuff, and maybe that’s why she can’t see mine.  But you guys are so plugged into each other.  And nobody sees me.”

“Levi,” Dominique says, like she’s waiting for him to get something obvious.

“What?”

“Why do you think we’re out here right now?” Dominique presses, serious.

“Because…you asked…”

“ _Because I see you_ ,” Dominique insists.  “I see you’re not okay.  That matters to me.  You matter.”

“You don’t know me,” he pushes back.

Dominique raises an eyebrow.  “I’m here.  I see you.  And I really get the feeling that anything remotely good will fall apart.”

“Sorry, I just…don’t know…how…”  Levi swallows.  Blinks.

“Letting people in is hard,” she says matter-of-fact.

“Plus, I freaked you out.  Yesterday and today.  You shouldn’t wanna be here for me after that.”

“Levi, if I avoided everybody who triggered me, I’d have no one.”

His eyes widen.  “Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it’s true what I said.  I’ll never force you to do anything.  Or get mad if you don’t want to.”

“Okay,” she says, and for the first time, she seems unsure.

Silence again.

“I don’t really like the term Emotional Laundry.  Or Feelings Laundry.  Basically anything laundry related. Or feelings related.” Levi admits.  “Makes me feel…like…dirty?  Or maybe like my feelings are?  And I hate feelings anyway.  They’re confusing.”

“Dock Talks.”

“What?” Levi asks, smiling.

“This.  We’re basically doing the same thing we’d be doing in there.  But it’s on the dock.  So, Dock Talks.”

“That’s…really…” Levi starts laughing.

“What?” Dominique laughs, too.  “It’s corny, but at least there’s no feelings and there’s no laundry.”

“That’s true.  Dock Talks,” he tries it out.  “I like it.  I could get behind that.”

Levi’s starting to get that silence with Dominique doesn’t feel the same as with most people.  It doesn’t leave him feeling ignored.  Just the opposite.  It leaves him feeling acknowledged.  And he gets the feeling that as tenuous as trust is, maybe she does trust him, as much as she can.

He doesn’t want to break that, but he does have questions.  All of them seem open to those.  Levi just doesn’t want to be one of those people who takes advantage of someone’s good nature to exploit information from them.

“So…you seem to know a lot about…you know?”

“What’s  _you know_?” Dominique presses.

“Like…trauma…” Levi forces the word out.

“What are you trying to ask here, Levi?  Just ask.”

“Well, I wondered…the other day…what happened?  But I know it’s rude to ask.  But then you  _said_  to ask…so…  I guess…. _how_ do you talk about it?  Like what do you say?” he decides.  This way, Dominique doesn’t have to feel put on the spot or like anything’s wrong with her.

Dominique takes a breath.  “With trauma…the important thing to remember is…it’s yours.  That means, you tell who you choose to tell.  Trauma’s personal.  Deeply personal.  It comes with really awful memories attached.  Sometimes, we’re around people we feel safe enough to open up around.  Sometimes not.  Sometimes we open up a little and then change our minds.”

“Are you mad, ‘cause I asked you what happened?” Levi wonders.

“You know how you’re jumping the gun a lot?  Thinking I’m rejecting you?  I feel…like rejection’s kind of…implied in a question like  _what happened_?  Like, a person asks that so they can find out about you, and go tell somebody else about this person with the terrible life they met.  But how that person makes you feel a lot better about your own life.”

Levi breathes.  Reminds himself that he asked.  He’s got to be strong enough to hear her answer.

“It’s also…” Dominique begins again.  “It makes me feel dominated…”

Levi flinches.

Dominique moves an inch the other direction.  Giving space.  Or taking it.

She pauses.  Softens. “Hey.  Just ‘cause I use a word, doesn’t mean I’m gonna act on it…” she reassures.

Levi forces himself to release the breath he’s been holding.

“So…when people ask…I feel that…because it’s like…they’re using me.  Especially if they’re not obviously injured.  If they don’t have a trauma background.  If they’re not a burn survivor…  Because they feel like it’s 100% okay to ask about my private medical information.  The worst day of my life.  The worst year of my life.  And I should just dispense information to them.”

Levi listens.  Her words hurt.  But they’re also teaching him. When it’s obvious she’s done talking, he offers:  “You don’t owe me.  I shouldn’t have asked.  The last thing I want is for you to feel rejected or dominated.  I won’t anymore.”

“To be clear, you’re welcome to talk to me about your trauma.  Anytime.  I’m a vault.  I’ll keep your secrets.  But know…I’m also a vault when it comes to my own.  Very few people know the full extent of what happened to me, and those who do, know because they found out.  Not because I told them.”

“I won’t ask you anymore.  You can talk to me if you want to.  I won’t tell anybody,” Levi promises.  “But I understand being a vault.  The problem is…”

“What?”

“You know, the thing you said?  All the people who trigger you?”

Dominique nods.

“It’s that.” Levi swallows.

“You’re seeing people who trigger you,” Dominique deduces.

He keeps his gaze focused out.  It’s easier than facing her.  Subtly, he raises a finger.

“One person who triggers you,” Dominique continues.  

Levi bites his lip.  He can’t talk.

“Listen.  If you run into trouble.  If you see a person who scares you?  Find me.”

He shakes his head.

“Call Jesus’s grandpa’s place and ask for me.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I freeze.  Go blank.”

“Does anybody know who this person is?  Could they help warn you?  Keep you away from them?”

“No one knows…” Levi whispers.

“Okay.  I’m not asking.  Just…I’m here, okay?  If you need a friend.  Backup.  Whatever.  Find me.  I’ll come through for you.”

“Promises….” Levi warns, weary.

“Yeah, well, I keep mine.” Dominique says, so sure of herself, that Levi almost believes.


	15. Chapter 15

“So, I don’t wanna start without Levi and Dominique, but I have feelings for feelings laundry…” Francesca ventures, eating a big spoonful of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

“Well, I don’t think they’d want you to keep your feelings in…” Mariana says.

“Right, you can definitely share with us,” Jesus encourages.

Francesca looks at Pearl, in case she wants her brother to be here, like Francesca kind of wants Dominique to be here.  She was there for Francesca’s real feelings.  So it would feel better if she was here for them now.

“Nah, I think I’m gonna wait for them.  ‘Cause we don’t leave people out, right?” she asks.

“That’s true,” Jesus nods.

They play some cards while they wait and eventually Dominique and Levi do come back.

“Hey!  We waited for you!” Francesca says, opening her arms, in case either one of them wants a hug.

“You did?  That was sweet of you,” Dominique hugs her first.  Levi comes next, a little bit like he’s nervous.

Francesca tries to make his hug really good so he’s not worried about whatever he’s worried about anymore.  He still seems sad, even though he’s smiling.

He says, “Thanks.”  

Then, Dominique sits by Francesca and Levi sits by Dominique.

“Francesca, did you wanna share?” Mariana asks.

She glances at Dominique.  “I kinda got scared to come over and ask you guys about having dinner,” she confesses, looking to Levi and Pearl in turn.

“You did?  Why?” Levi asks softly.  He looks serious.  Like he’s still worried, but this time it’s about her.

“Because…sometimes…I don’t know…” Francesca tries.

“You’re doing fine,” Dominique says.

“Because this one time…my mom made me go up to the counter at the store and pay for the stuff we were buying.  She gave me money and stuff, that wasn’t the problem.”

Jesus and Mariana are listening close.  They don’t know this story.  

“What was the problem?” Jesus asks.

“She just gave me the money and said to do it.  She didn’t explain anything.  When I asked what to do she was like, ‘What’s to explain, Francesca?  It’s simple.  Just listen for the total and then give her the money.’  So, I listened.  And I gave her all the money, like Mom said.  But then she got all mad…”

“Why?” Mariana wonders.

“Because, she’s like, ‘Francesca, don’t you know how to make change?!’  But she hadn’t told me to do that.”

“She just told you to hand them the money,” Jesus sighs.

“Yeah.  Then it was really embarrassing, because she was yelling at me that there was a line.  And I was taking too long.  She ended up taking the money away and doing it herself.  I cried in the car on the way home, and she said I had to grow up and learn to do things faster.  But…”

“It’s math.  And we can’t do math fast.” Mariana fills in.

“Yeah,” Francesca nods.

“So, I kinda got scared it was gonna be like that again.  Something that seemed easy but really wasn’t.  Or that I was gonna get yelled at if I didn’t do it right.”

“We’ll never yell at you, buddy,” Jesus promises.  “Only if you’re in real danger.  To warn you.”

“Do you guys think it’s fair that she did that?” Francesca asks.

“No,” Pearl answers fast.  “It doesn’t sound fair at all.  You asked a question and she didn’t give you all the information that you needed.  Then she blamed you for not knowing it.  That doesn’t sound fair at all.”

“‘Cause we can ask stuff to each other?” she checks.

“Absolutely,” Dominique nods.

“I just got scared…” Francesca says again.  She doesn’t know how else to explain the fear.  How she never wants to make a mistake.  Because she might get made fun of or yelled at, even by her family.

“I’d be scared, too.”  Levi allows.  “I’ve been in a situation where I didn’t know what to do.  It’s not a good feeling.”

“Nope,” Francesca agrees.  “Did you get in trouble, too?”

Levi nods.  His eyes look the saddest ever.  

“Were you ten like I was?” Francesca asks.

“I was eight.”

“What happened?” she wonders.

“I played in the mud.  And came inside, and got the floor dirty…” he says, not looking at anybody.  “I didn’t realize until it was too late.  I was trying to figure out how to clean it up, but I got in trouble before I could…”

“Not with your dad, the funny guy, right?” Francesca presses.  “He was nice, right?  ‘Cause he was your best friend.”

“No, not with my dad.  Someone else.”

Pearl reaches out to squeeze Levi’s shoulder and he shrugs away.  “No hugs right now, please.”

–

Pearl tries not to feel miffed.  Here’s Levi, actually sharing during Feelings Laundry, an actual opportunity for her to support him, and he’s shrugging her off.

She tries to listen as Mariana talks about feeling out of her depth with Stef, as well.  Pearl knows that it’s been about a year since Mariana was in a car accident.  Knows that she came out of it with a brain injury.  Knows it probably makes a million things harder.

But Pearl’s not got the energy to think about other people’s problems right now.  She’s got her own.  So many, they might drown her.  When she lets it, her mind wanders back through the years, to the woods.  To high school.  To the nice guy who’d asked for a ride home when she was sixteen.  To the way he ruined her.  Threatened to kill her.

If she lets herself she can smell the dirt.  The woods.  Her own fear.  It’s taken her some time to get used to seeing the accents of Levi’s work uniform.  The name tag.  The shirt and the pants the same colors as she’d worn.  All of it, details that stood out stronger than the pain.

She’d been scared to make a sound.  

Suddenly, Cleo’s nails are digging into Pearl’s thighs as she stands on her lap, licking her face.

“Pearl?  You okay?” Jesus asks.

She blinks.  “Yeah.  I’m here.  I’m fine.”  It’s brusque.  Because she can’t very well admit to being in the middle of a flashback, at least not now.

Jesus can tell, Pearl just bets, that she’s not okay.  But he doesn’t comment on it.  No one does.  The others talk.  And Pearl thinks about how the air smells up here this time of year.  How it’s still cold enough to have that bite to it.  That pulls her back through time.  

She thinks about how long it had taken her to recover after seeing Jared again six years ago.  It was just after Jesus and his family had left last time, and it had very nearly destroyed her.  Had it not been for Gracie, and for her friends in the survivor community, and knowing Jesus might still need her, Pearl didn’t know where she’d be right now.

“You wanna share anything?” he asks.

“I’m…not really…” she shakes her head.

“Do you need something?” Levi asks now.  Sweet.  Attentive.  Pearl has to remember that he has the right to say no to things.  That not everything has to do with her.

She has to work on not taking everything out on him.  On maybe even modeling something good for him to emulate.

“It’s a hard time of year for me,” she finally divulges.  “Something bad happened to me when I was younger.  A teenager.”

“Was it trauma?” Francesca asks.

“Yeah, it was.  And when the anniversary of a trauma comes around again?  That can feel hard.  Because there are a lot of similarities that can remind me.”

“When is it?” Levi wonders.  “Your hard time of year?”

“This weekend…” she manages.

“So, is that why you’ve been all moody?” Levi asks.  Pearl, Mariana, Dominique and Francesca all look at him in unison, not amused.

“What?” he asks, confused.

“Dude…” Jesus shakes his head.  “Don’t say women are moody.”

“I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense.  I’m just…not good with words…” Levi amends.  “Is that why you’ve been…grouchy?” he tries again.

“Irritable, and yes.  Last time, I think Dominique and I were mentioning.  That can also be related to trauma.  But I’m sorry.  I know I’ve taken a lot out on you.”

“It helps to have more information.  To know I didn’t do something wrong.  If I did, I’d rather you just tell me.”

“Noted,” Pearl nods.

“Jesus, are you good?  From earlier?” Dominique asks.

Pearl’s curious, but doesn’t ask what happened earlier.  If Jesus wants to share, he will.  

“I got a bit triggered before dinner, but Francesca caught it.  I’m okay.  Sometimes, it just sneaks up on you.”

“It’s because I talked about it,” Francesca puts in sadly.

“What?” Dominique wonders.

“I talked about one of your trauma things accidentally, and then you got triggered.  Sometimes, it’s okay to talk about that stuff, and sometimes it isn’t.  I was just trying to help.  It made me stressed that I hurt you.  It’s part of why I got upset later.  Sorry for taking your turn.”

“It’s okay.  We share,” Jesus reassures.  “And I appreciate you trying to help.  But maybe you could ask me if it’s okay to bring up a trauma thing before you do it?”

“Consent again,” Francesca nods.

“Consent always,” Jesus smiles a little.  They fist-bump.

“Does everybody have trauma?” Francesca asks.

“Not everybody,” Dominique allows.  “But a lot of us here do.”

Pearl notices how Dominique keeps eye contact with Levi for a second as she talks.  How he nods a little.  It makes Pearl think about what he’d said about the mud.  About how it wasn’t Dad that he was in trouble with.  Who did that leave?  Nia, his mother, didn’t seem like the type to overreact to a little mud.  

She wonders if there is more to the story.  Feels instinctively there must be, but knows she shouldn’t push.

Levi nods and raises a finger - not even his whole hand - as confirmation that he has trauma, too.

“Wow, I think that really does make everybody here.  Except me,” Francesca shrugs.

Pearl has thoughts about the way Stef’s treated Francesca.  How normal eleven year old children don’t break down when asked to walk next door out of fear of messing up.  To Pearl, that sounds very much like trauma.  But she knows it’s not for her to say.  It’s for Francesca to own, if, and when she’s ready to do so.

“Dominique, how are you?” Mariana wonders.

“I’m…closed…” Dominique says, cryptic.

“Like a store?” Francesca wonders.

“More like an emotional state,” Dominique explains.  “When you’re open, you feel like sharing.”

“Oh, so you don’t feel like sharing,” Francesca deduces.  

Dominique nods.

“That’s okay.  We respect that, right?” Francesca looks around the table.  “Nobody has to share if they don’t want to…because consent.”

“Thanks, Francesca.” Dominique tells her.

Of all the people here, Dominique strikes Pearl as the enigma.  She knows almost nothing about her.  But Levi’s similarly closed off.  It makes sense that the two might be drawn to one another.

“I’m gonna head out,” Pearl offers.  “Thanks for inviting us for dinner, Francesca, it was very good.”

“You’re welcome.” Francesca smiles.

“Just come over next time,” Jesus offers.  “You know our schedule.  If you wanna eat with us, or just hang out, come over.”

“Sounds good.”  She’s headed for the door when Pearl realizes Levi is behind her.

“I’ll come home, too,” he says.

–

“Will you not walk behind me?” Pearl asks, her voice shaking.

“Oh.  I’m sorry,” Levi apologizes.  He makes sure he’s walking beside her.  They don’t talk until they get home.

“Sit with me for a minute?” she asks, patting the couch.  

Levi does.  Hopes she can’t tell how nervous he is.  Is she gonna ask about what he shared earlier?

“I’m using a lot of my energy this week just trying to deal.  I do want to be there for you.  But I want to be honest with you about what I need, too.  So…  I think I’m gonna need you to come to me for your hugs.  Ask me.”

“Because you don’t wanna give them to me?” Levi asks, confused.

“I do want to.  But my mind is pretty full of trauma stuff right now, and it’s hard to keep anything else in there.  So if you could come to me and ask me?  That would help me remember.”

Levi hesitates a little.  It feels a little forward - a little desperate - asking for a hug when they were always freely given.  “Can I - I mean…  Can I have a hug now?”

“Sure,” Pearl says, softening.  She opens her arms and he accepts.  

It’s hard to feel totally comfortable there.

But he’ll work on it.


	16. Chapter 16

t’s early when Pearl clips on Cleo’s leash and quietly leaves the cabin.  Her sleep had been restless at best.  She’s looking forward to talking to Jesus while they walk the dogs together.

She checks the door a final time, ensuring it’s locked, knowing Levi doesn’t have to work until this afternoon, and he’s still asleep inside.

–

A harsh knocking jerks Levi from sleep.  He checks the time.  9:30 AM.  Really?  Nobody comes out here, and Pearl has  a key.  He pulls the pillow over his head and tries to drown them out.  If it’s important, they’ll come back.

But this person is relentless.  And it’s pointless to try and get back to sleep now.  Now, Levi’s up.  And not happy.  Cleo’s not even around to lift his mood.

Maybe Pearl took her out and forgot her key?

Levi’s still blurry-eyed as he pulls the door open.  

His entire world stops.

She’s got glasses now.  Her brown hair’s dyed blonde.  She’s still short. But tan now. She’s skinnier.  More muscular.  Back then, she was pale and soft.  No makeup.  Like they caught her unaware.  Now, even her nails are done.  Long. Dark pink.  She clutches her keys in her hands like a weapon.  Like he’s seen Pearl do sometimes.  She looks so normal in jeans and a windbreaker.

Not at all like the person who…

_He remembers the bathroom. Her impatience as she pulled his muddy jeans off.  His boxers that were equally filthy. How she jerked him out from behind the closet door where he tried to go to cover himself, embarrassed.  The rough cloth she used to scrub him from waist to feet. He remembers the pain as she scrubs and touches where no one’s hands but his are supposed to go._

_How he screamed, “Stop!  No!”  But she’d just looked at him like she hated him.  Like she was so disgusted by him.  So mad.   How she took his jeans and boxers away to wash.  How she gave him a huge robe of hers to wear while she washed his clothes.  How he sat in the bathroom, feeling numb.  Feeling gross and dead.  For a long time until she came back with his boxers and jeans.  He remembers how she threw them at him.  How the denim stung his face as she said, “Get dressed.”_

_How, when Dad came back, she acted like nothing happened. Like it was funny how he went outside and played in a mud puddle, when really, she’d been livid._

_How from then on, whenever Dad said he was going to try and see Pearl, Levi never went.  He wanted to meet his sister.  But he was scared of her mom._

All this flashes through Levi’s head in less than a second.  Because this is the first time she’s been this close to him since…

“Uh, hey…” He has to force the words out.

“Is Pearl here?” she asks, impatient.

“No.”

“What do you mean, no?” Carla asks, short.

“She’s not here,” Levi maintains.  He’s not about to ask her to look around for herself, or invite her in to wait.  “I’m not sure when she’ll be back.  It might be a while.”

“Well, where  _is_  she?  It’s not like she ever leaves this place.”  Arms crossed.

This time, Levi does use the door as a barrier, only poking his head around.  “I don’t know,” he tells her honestly.  

“Well, she’s always here.  And she called me.  She invited me.  Seems pretty rude to invite someone and then not even be home when they show up…”

Levi has no idea what to say.  “Yeah…I don’t know…”  he manages.

“She wants to talk about Paris.  Any idea why?”

“N-no,” Levi stutters.

“Right,”  She’s skeptical.  Doubtful.  Hateful.  Just like she was then.  “Well, I’ll come back.”

Just like that, Carla turns on her heel and walks back to her vehicle.  A small black car parked in front.  Levi waits at the door until she pulls out and rounds a corner.  He keeps watching, just in case she doubles back.  

Finally, he thaws out, and can move.  Closes the door.  Then opens it.  Darts outside, and next door, hoping someone’s up.  Hoping the door’s open.  He taps on the sliding glass door, seeing Mariana on the other side.

She smiles.  Pulls it open.  “Hey.  Want breakfast?”

“No.  I mean…  No.”  He’s breathless.  His brain’s going a million miles an hour.  He can’t even think about what he needs.  Doesn’t even know.  

“Okay…” she ventures.  “Need to sit?”

“Okay,” he nods, glancing out the door.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“I gotta go to work…” he manages.

She makes a face.  “I thought you didn’t have to go ‘til this afternoon.”

“Yeah.  I just…” Levi trails off, losing his train of thought.  He’s vaguely aware of Mariana sitting down at the table with him.  Vaguely aware that he’s here in pajamas.  Sweats.  Barefoot.  And probably dirty.

–

“So, things are getting kinda hard?” Jesus asks as they walk through the woods together.  

“ _Getting_  hard? They’ve  _been_  hard.  I can’t wait til this weekend’s over, so I can actually start recouping my sleep.”

“I hate that we leave Monday…” Jesus makes a sad face.

“I know.  But I am glad you’ll be there at least for the weekend. I’ll try not to be such a mess.”

“You can be whatever,” he says gently.  “I know how it is.  Just makes it harder if you feel like you have to make yourself more manageable for other people.”

Pearl shivers.  “I hate the woods this time of year.  But Cleo loves them.  She’d live out here if she could…”

“I’m here,” Jesus offers.  “If you ever need me to walk both of them…like at night or whatever, just let me know.”

“You hate going out at night,” Pearl points out.

“Yeah, but now that I have Dudley, it’s not so bad.”

–

Dominique’s just finishing up in the bathroom when she hears a knock.  

“Yeah?”

She cracks the door.  Mariana’s there.

“Um…Levi’s here.  Something’s up, I think…  Pearl and Jesus aren’t back yet.”

Dominique decides to forego lipstick.  The days she wants to be herself and dress up a little are rare, but she also knows to take Mariana’s word on things like this.

She shuts the light and comes out, glad that Francesca seems content to sleep all morning long.

“Levi?  What’s up?” she asks, coming to sit down.

He’s pale.  His hair’s every which way on his head.  And only dressed in a wrinkled tee shirt and sweats.  He’s tracked grass and dirt inside, because he came without shoes or socks.  For a kid she’s only ever seen dressed in a work uniform or a button-down and good pants, always with his hair gelled?  Well, this is a shift.  And it’s concerning.

“Don’t worry about me,” he smiles the biggest fear smile Dominique has ever seen.  It distracts from the shadows in his eyes, but it doesn’t cover them.

“You wanna go to the dock?” she wonders quietly, but this sends his gaze to the window scanning.

“No, it’s fine.  I should go.  I have work.”

“At 3:00, right? You’ve got six hours.  We can talk in the meantime.”

Levi traces the wood grain on the table with his finger.  Then, he springs up.  “I’m sorry.  I got this.  Don’t worry,” he says.

Dominique doesn’t know what in the hell he’s doing until she finds him with a spare dish cloth, wiping down his feet, and then the floor.

She doesn’t know what to do, so she lets him go to it.  Watches from across the kitchen as he wipes up every place his feet touched.

“Where do you want this?  You know what?  I can wash it,” he says.  He’s smiling hard the whole time.  There are tears in his eyes.

Dominique wonders if he knows that he looks like he’s dying inside.  Like he’s in some kind of agony.  She reaches out a hand for the cloth, and he steps back.  Wary now.  The smile’s fallen off his face.

“Can I take it, and toss it in the sink here?” she asks.

Deliberately, Levi walks over and rinses the cloth several times.  Wrings it out. Sets it meticulously folded over the divider in the sink.

She watches him wash his hands. Dry them, and then straighten the hand towel back out.

Dominique’s never seen Jesus in a cleaning-panic, but she feels like it might look a little like this.  She walks over, stands in front of him.  Takes an annoyingly intentional deep breath.  Lets it out slowly, nodding.  Until he’s drawing a breath, too.  Letting it out, too.

“You wanna go somewhere?  Talk?”

He looks so lost.  But when his gaze travels above their heads, Dominique thinks about how smart he is.  This cabin has an entire second floor nobody uses because the stairs are a nightmare for Francesca and Mariana.

Dominique nods.  Leads the way upstairs, glad Levi didn’t go first and have her follow.

Once they’re upstairs, Levi scopes out the rooms.  Ends up in the chair on the small landing area, overlooking the kitchen.  Dominique takes the footstool.  Just waits.

Levi’s bent almost double. Fingers interlaced at the back of his head.  His arms wrapped around, blocking the sides of his face from view.

“You can’t say anything,” he whispers.  “Please don’t.  You can’t tell Pearl.”

“I won’t.” Dominique swears, keeping her voice low, too.  Aware of Francesca sleeping below them.  Aware that voices carry.  “This stays between us, Levi.  Alright?”

He nods at his lap.  But he can’t seem to speak.

Dominique just waits.  She’s not sure what else she can do.

–

“I saw her,” Levi breathes, just a whisper.

“Who?” Dominique asks, leaning in, to keep his confidence.

“Her.  I saw–  Her, okay?”  Levi can’t say her name.  Can’t say he saw Pearl’s mom who assaulted him when he was just a kid.  For tracking mud in the house.  For being disgusting.

“Okay,” Dominique nods.  She’s so patient.  So opposite of Carla.  “You saw somebody who scares you?”

Levi nods again.  He’s sure it looks ridiculous.  Him cowering like this.  But he can’t not.  He can’t look up.

“Did they hurt you?” Dominique wonders.

Nod.  “When I was little,” he whispers.  “Like…privately.”

“What do you mean, privately?” Dominique asks.

“Privately on my body…” he ventures.  Levi feels like he might throw up.

“Okay.  I believe you.  I do.  Do you know the person?”

“You said you wouldn’t tell,” Levi reminds, desperate.

“Levi, I won’t tell.  I promise you that.  I know promises can feel flimsy, but it’s what I got.  My word.”

Dominique sounds sure and calm.

“It’s Pearl’s mom…” he gasps.

–

Dominique rocks back a little as Levi chokes and covers his mouth.  She’s worried he’ll be sick until she sees the tears start falling down his face.  He’s completely silent.  Just the occasional sniff gives any clue at all that not all is right on the balcony.

She can’t have him thinking that she’s repulsed by him.  She’s not.  It takes a lot to shock Dominique Williams - but - let’s be real - she had not been expecting this.

In fits and starts, Dominique manages to get the story from Levi. Pearl’s mom stopping by unexpectedly.  Saying Pearl invited her.  His attempts to duck her every time he’s at work, or goes into town.  

His choice to live with Pearl when he learned she and her mother were not in touch.

It seemed to Levi - reasonably - the one place here he might be safe.

She doesn’t try to touch him.  Remembers the way he stepped back when she came toward him.  The last thing she wants to do is scare him.

Dominique’s been through hell, but she doesn’t know the first thing to tell someone who was assaulted by his own sister’s mother.

“You can stay here.  And I’ll stay with you,” she starts rattling off.  When in doubt, it’s always best to stick with as many truths as she can tell him.  “Nobody’s gonna hurt you here.”

“I messed up the floor…” he whispers.

“Is that what happened then?” Dominique wonders, piecing things together slowly.  She remembers their recent conversation.  His hurt over Pearl misunderstanding his need to Swiffer up the muddy footprints she and Mariana left in the middle of the night.

Levi nods.

“I’m not mad about that.  No one is.  Mariana’s concerned for you. Francesca’s sleeping.  But no one’s mad.  We’re not gonna hurt you.  I’m so sorry she did.”

“I never told anybody…” Levi manages, letting out a shaky breath, and glancing up.  His eyes are red.  “I never planned to.”

“I understand,” Dominique says simply.

“I don’t…” Levi shakes his head, breaking down again, and ducking his head between his arms.  “I don’t understand this…”

Dominique stays, stoic.  She sits with him.  Because it’s right.  Because he needs someone.

–

Pearl breathes deep, feeling refreshed and heard.  Feeling good, finally.  But she slows down and squints as her cabin comes into view.  “Why is my…door open?” she ventures, wary.

Behind the storm door, the main door stands wide open.  And Pearl was used to not locking it, but she’s not that bold.  

A sick feeling settles in the pit of her stomach. She shoves Cleo’s leash in Jesus’s hand, and rushes inside.

“Levi,” she calls.

But he’s nowhere.


	17. Chapter 17

Mariana thinks the best thing she can do is get her and Francesca outside, and give Levi some space.  Especially after Pearl and Jesus get back, too.  Francesca doesn’t need to wake up to this kind of chaos.

The sooner they can get out of here the better.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Mariana pokes Francesca awake gently.  “You wanna go outside with me and read or something?”

Francesca grumbles and burrows deeper into her sleeping bag.  “Too cold…  And everybody’s  _loud_ …  Tell them to stop slamming doors…”

“There’s donuts…” Mariana bribes.  “I think I saw one with chocolate frosting.  It’s possible to get it if we go right now, while everybody’s distracted…” Mariana feels a little bad using Levi’s obvious distress as a way for her and her sis to lay claim to the best donuts.  But if it gets Francesca up and moving, it’s worth it.

Just like that, Francesca throws back her sleeping bag and sits up.  “How do we get to it without them knowing?” she asks, whispering. Excited at the prospect of a game this early in the morning.

“Okay.  It’s not really fun right now?” she tries.  

“There’s no donut?” Francesca gasps, indignant.

“No, there  _is_.  But listen.  Levi’s here.  He’s upset.  Something’s wrong. So the best thing we can do is take our donut outside…or maybe next door…read some Harry Potter?”

“Let’s go on that big back step thing,” Francesca decides.  “Can we have hot chocolate?  And just talk?”

“I’ll see if Jesus can bring it out for us.  You grab a blanket if you need.  Close the door behind you.”

Mariana makes sure she can see Francesca in her teal PJs clearly the whole time she makes them instant hot chocolate.

Pearl and Jesus are still in the kitchen, whispering, but Mariana catches Jesus’s eye and nods to him.  

“Can you bring this out to Frankie and me when it beeps?” she asks.  “You don’t have to.  It’s just…hot and…”

“No problem.” Jesus says.  “I’ll zap the other one when that one’s done.  You guys get some donuts?”

“Did you?” Mariana presses.  “‘Cause if this turns out to be a thing?  With Levi?  You’re gonna wanna make sure you’re on schedule.  So you can stay stable or whatever.”

“Right,” Jesus nods.

Jesus brings out the box of donuts first, so that Francesca can call dibs on the chocolate frosted one, and Mariana can have the cinnamon sugar one.  Then, Jesus drops the box off inside and comes back again with the hot chocolates.

“Thank you,” Mariana and Francesca chorus.

Once they’re alone, they sit quietly, sipping their drinks and eating their donuts.

“I miss having sister time with you,” Francesca allows.

“You do?”

“Yeah.  It’s different than Avoidance or any of the other stuff we do with the group.  We’re the only two who know what it’s like to be at home with Moms like this…”

“Mm-hmm,” she nods.

“Will you leave me there?” Francesca asks.

“What?”

“When you’re better, or whatever.  When you can go back to college.  When you can move away.  Will you leave me?”

“I don’t want to…” Mariana manages.  “I want us to stay together.  To be there for you.”

“But seven years is a long time,” Francesca ventures.

“It is.  How about this?  If I go, I’ll give you plenty of a heads up to get used to the idea.  And we’ll have lots of Avoidance meetings about how to go forward and make sure you’re as okay as possible.”

“What’s wrong with Levi,” Francesca asks, casting a glance over her shoulder.

“I’m not sure. But let’s not bug him about whatever it is, okay?  Sometimes, when things are hard, we don’t want to talk about it with everybody, even if they’re our friends…”

“Yeah, like when I got scared about going next door…I was glad you and Jesus didn’t try to talk to me about that right then.”

“Because we respect you.  We get that sometimes, Dominique is the safe person you choose.  And sometimes, it’s Jesus.”

“And sometimes, it’s you…” Francesca confesses, shy.

“Really?” Mariana’s surprised.

“Yeah.  You know what my life is like more than Jesus does, even.  So, we’re lucky.  It’s sad, you know?”

“What is?”

“That some people have nobody who knows what it feels like to be them.”

“Well, you’ve got me,” Mariana says, putting an arm around Francesca and pulling her close.

“And you got me,” Francesca says, mirroring her.

–

“Seriously,  _where_  is Levi?  Is he okay?  What’s going on?  I need you to tell me.”

The panic on Levi’s face when he hears Pearl’s voice is enough to send Dominique down the stairs to intercept her.  She swings by Jesus in the kitchen eating a donut, and asks if he would mind going to sit with Levi upstairs in the loft.

He agrees, no problem.

Now, Dominique just has to manage Pearl and her intense anxiety.

Dominique leads Pearl and Cleo to the room Dominique shares with Mariana.  Closes the door.  

“Listen to me.  Levi is fine.”

“Is he  _here_?” Pearl insists.

“Yes, he’s here.”

“If he’s fine, I should be able to see him,” Pearl counters.

“He’s a bit shaken up.  He’s embarrassed.  Something happened, but he hasn’t said what.  He doesn’t wanna talk about it.”

Dominique slides the lie in seamlessly.  Couched in so many truths, it doesn’t stand out.  It doesn’t draw Pearl’s attention.

“Well, that’s too bad.  If something happened to him, I need to know.  I’m his sister.  I’m his family.”

“He is seventeen.  He doesn’t owe anyone an explanation he doesn’t want to give,” Dominique maintains.

“Dominique,” Pearl says plainly.  “Please.  You know as well as I do that being seventeen doesn’t mean a person’s grown.”

“Do you respect your brother?” Dominique asks, crossing her arms.  

“Of course.”

“If that’s true, please don’t push him on this.  I understand you don’t like me.  But please, believe me.  Levi needs you to give him space.  Be there if he wants to come to you.  Listen if he wants to talk.  But do not push him on this.”

“Okay…” Pearl shakes her head, as if she’s trying to clear it.  “He just…left  the door wide open.  It scared me.”

“Yeah, that would do it…”  Dominique breathes.  “He is okay.  Relatively speaking.  He needs you to be calm right now.  And if you can’t be, the best thing you can do is stay clear of him.”

“You guys talk,” Pearl says.

“We have, yes.” Dominique confirms.

“He trusts you?” Pearl tries again.

“Seems to, yes.”

“Then, I’m glad…  I’m glad he has you.” Pearl nods, petting Cleo.

–

“Hey,” Jesus says, climbing the stairs to the second floor of the cabin.  It looks the same here.  An alcove with a bookshelf.  Some board games.  A chair.  (Levi’s in  it, sitting forward, arms wrapped around his head.)  A footstool.  Jesus pulls up the footstool.  “Dominique said you could use some company.”

Levi glances up.  He looks wrecked.  Destroyed.

“Where’s Pearl?” he asks.

“Dominique’s talking to her in one of the bedrooms.  Mariana and Francesca are outside.”  Jesus hopes Levi’s getting the vibe Jesus is trying to convey.  That Levi’s got privacy here.  Now.

There’s a long silence.  Then:  “How long have you had trauma stuff?” Levi asks.

“All my life.  But especially for about four years starting when I was 9,” Jesus shares carefully.

“Oh.  Does it count if it’s just one thing?  For just a few minutes?”

“Trauma’s trauma.  It can be quick or drawn out.  The question is, did it traumatize you?  If the answer is yes, that means it’s trauma.”

“I think it did.  ‘Cause I just had this intense overreaction to the most minor thing…” Levi breathes.

“Can I tell you something?”  Jesus asks.

Levi nods.  He’s finally stopped covering his head.  Is sitting up.

“If your reaction was intense?  It wasn’t a minor thing.  It was major.  You don’t have to tell me details if you don’t want to.  But I’m here to listen if you do.”

“You’re Pearl’s friend,” Levi says, and Jesus can’t read his tone of voice.

Jesus waits.

“So you’ll tell her…” Levi sighs.  It’s not an accusation.  He’s defeated.

“Not your stuff.  I don’t share other people’s stuff they tell me in confidence.  That’s not saying you have to tell me, either.  But you can.  If you want…”

“Did anybody ever…” Levi’s voice breaks.  He shakes his head.  His arms are back over his head.

“People have hurt me,” Jesus volunteers quietly, figuring this much has to be true.

Levi nods.  He’s gasping like he can’t catch his breath.  Tears are falling.  Jesus is torn about what to do.  But in the end Dudley nudges him toward the most obvious first.  He knows most people would do it opposite, but Jesus thinks that maybe if he addresses one thing, both might resolve.

“Hug?” he asks gently.  

Levi nods.  Stands.  Jesus does, too.  Embraces Levi.  Holds on.

“I know it sucks.  I know,” Jesus says quietly.  “But I’m here, and Dominique’s here.  You can trust us.  We have your back,” Jesus murmurs, letting Levi hang on tight.  Fall apart.

Just like he thought, getting his hug helps Levi’s breathing eventually even out.

“I’m not dressed,” Levi manages, pulling away.

“Give me a sec,” Jesus says and goes down the stairs.  

It helps to have Dudley with him.  To remind him not to go tearing through the house to find his yellow suitcase.  He finds it, open, in the living room, where he’s left it.  Digs inside until he pulls out a blue sweatshirt.  Brings it upstairs.

He’s about to toss it when Levi flinches back.

“Dude.  It’s a sweatshirt.  More layers.  They help.  With trauma.” Jesus tries to explain.  He holds it out.

Levi watches.

Then, eventually, warily, takes it from Jesus.  He turns his back and pulls it over his tee shirt.  It’s too big, but that’s what Jesus had been hoping, honestly.  When nothing else helped, sometimes, being covered did.

“Dudley, stay,” Jesus tells his dog, as he goes back downstairs for the box of donuts.  And to make another cup of hot chocolate.

In minutes, he brings it all up to Levi.  Dudley’s got his massive head in Levi’s lap and Levi’s scratching him behind the ears.  

“Here,” Jesus offers the box of donuts.  Dudley sniffs it.  “Not for you,” he tells Dudley gently.

Levi blinks slowly.  Finally picking out the maple nut bar and taking a bite.  Eventually he eats it all.  Then, he starts on the hot chocolate.

“Sugar helps, too.  I don’t know why,” Jesus shrugs.  

“Thank you.”

For a long time, they say nothing.  But it’s comfortable.  Jesus is glad that Dominique’s distracting Pearl.  Glad he can count on Mariana to take care of Francesca.  So that he can be here.

Jesus spots an old plaid pair of Grandpa’s slippers in the corner of the alcove.  He scoots them over to Levi with a foot, nudging them until they bump Levi’s own bare feet.

Slowly, Levi slides his feet in.  Jesus watches his tense body relax the slightest bit.

“This one time - the last time we were here - I got triggered.  It was pretty bad.  By the time I was back with it?  Mari had all these blankets on me.  And this one really ugly hat of my Grandpa’s…”

“Did it match these slippers?” Levi asks, a hint of a smile spreading.

“It actually did.  It was warm though,” Jesus remembers.

“How long?” Levi asks, the question seeming  to stall halfway out of his mouth.

Jesus waits.

“Until trauma’s not a thing?  You guys are older, right?  You and Mariana?”

“Almost 23,” Jesus confirms.  “And, as far as I know?  Trauma is always a thing,” he says apologetically.  “Something that helps, though, is knowing how to manage it.  Being around people who can support you.”

“What if the only person around you has their own trauma?” Levi’s gaze flickers to Jesus.

“I’ve found that’s usually how it works…” Jesus ventures.  “Other people try and get it.  But in my experience?  The best supporter usually has firsthand experience with it.”

“But I can’t tell Pearl…” Levi begs.

“It doesn’t have to be Pearl, Levi.” Jesus insists.

“I would tell you, it’s just…personal…” Levi manages.

“Trust me, I understand wanting your privacy.”

“I don’t know if I can do this…   _Stay_  here…  I moved out of my mom’s house…and came here…but I may have to find somewhere else…  This is just too…  Without my dad it’s like…I literally don’t belong anywhere.”

“You belong with us,” Jesus insists quietly, putting an arm around Levi again.  

Two hugs in just minutes would definitely be too many for Jesus, but Levi leans into the contact.  Seems to need it, like he needs to breathe.

So Jesus stays.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Levi’s not sure if he’s ever gonna be okay.  Will he ever feel normal?  Will his heartbeat go back to whatever it was before this?  Before now?  Because now?  He doesn’t feel like he could ever go back to Pearl’s.  (How can he, when Carla’s voice is echoing in his head, saying she’ll be back?)

So, he can’t stay with Pearl, and things are already super messy with his mom  _because_  of everything with Carla…and it’s just…a mess.

“You okay?” Jesus asks.

He’s been sitting up here with him for the last…Levi isn’t sure how long it’s been.  It’s so opposite of what he’s used to.  So opposite of what he feels like he deserves right now.  People being here.  People staying.  People reacting to his emotions and stuff like they actually matter.  Jesus had gone out of his way to give him a hoodie of his and slippers that were his grandpa’s.  To make sure he ate.

Over the last couple years, Levi’s gotten used to people just not caring.  Or not noticing.  

It feels surreal, this whole thing.  Like, did he really just see her?  And if he did, is it worth freaking out over?

“Levi?” Jesus tries again.

He blinks.  “Yeah.  Sorry.  Sorry about all this.  Making a big deal about…  And coming over like this…”

“You can always come over,” Jesus says.

“You don’t have to say that.  I’m so messy right now.”

“Messy’s okay,” Jesus says.  He has this way of saying everything like he totally means it.  Like it’s 100 % true.  And  _warm_.  After hearing Carla speak to him directly again, Levi’s struck by Jesus’s gentleness.  His kindness.

Carla’s cold.  Distant.  Angry.  Disgusted.  But Jesus doesn’t seem to mind that Levi’s here looking less than put together.  All emotionally raw.  It throws him off.

“How is messy okay?  Messy’s the opposite of okay,” Levi insists, his voice heavy.

“Messy is okay because it’s honest,” Jesus tells him.  “But I get that it probably doesn’t feel okay.  I’m saying that nothing bad’s gonna go down because you’re messy.  It’s safe to be messy.”

“She’s coming back,” Levi croaks.  

Jesus just listens.

“My trauma–  The person–  I mean…” Levi stutters.

“Deep breath?” Jesus asks.

“Yeah,” Levi nods.

“Yeah?” Jesus asks.  He breathes in through his nose for a long time, and out through his mouth slowly.  Waits.

“I can’t breathe.  I can’t do this…like…I can’t lose my shit like this, I have to go to work.” A heavy tightness climbs inside him.  Rising.  Levi doesn’t know what it is.

“Levi, check out Dudley for me?” Jesus asks.

His own eyes flicker toward the dog, sitting at Jesus’s side.  “What?”

“What percentage of him would you say is brown?”

“Huh?” Levi asks.  

“Well, I suck at math and I was wondering…  I know it’s not 50/50, but like, what do you think?”

Levi is so confused right now.  His heart’s beating and his hands are sweating.  And that feeling in his chest is getting higher and higher, like, climbing in him.  But Jesus wants him to do math about his dog’s brown-to-white ratio…  Okay, then.

He concentrates.  “I’d say it’s close…Maybe 60/40?”

“60/40 what, though? What’s more.  Because when I see him sitting like this, I think he’s more brown, but when he’s sleeping?  His whole stomach and legs and everything are mostly white.  So…”

“Maybe he’s 40% brown,” Levi squints.

“Huh.”

“Pearl’s good at math,” Levi offers, remembering his racing heart.  He stands and looks over the balcony.  The bedroom door is still closed.  That means Dominique is still talking to her.

“What about Cleo?” Jesus asks.

“What about her?” Levi asks, turning back to him.

“Like, can I know a fraction for her?  You know, fur wise?”

“You get that she’s black everywhere, right?” Levi asks.

“Oh, is she?  No rogue little dot where she’s another color?” Jesus insists.

Levi thinks about it.  “No.  I think she’s 100% what she seems to be.  No surprises.”  

And finally.  Finally, Levi can breathe.  He just does that for a while, coming back to the chair.

“I can’t talk about this…” Levi manages softly, not looking at Jesus.  “But she’s coming back, and…” he trails off again, getting distracted by the avalanche of thoughts that come with her.

“She’s coming back,” Jesus repeats.  “Can I ask you a question about that?”

“I don’t wanna say who…or what happened…” Levi insists.

“Okay, I won’t ask that.”

Levi nods, giving consent.  It feels unnecessarily thorough.  But also safe in a weird way.

“So, this person coming back…  Is that good or bad?”

“Bad,” Levi answers fast.

“What do you need for it to feel less bad?” Jesus wonders.

“Her to not come back,” Levi says plainly.

“Is there any way that can happen?” Jesus keeps trying.  “Could we ask Pearl about this person showing up?”

“Pearl  _invited_  her,” Levi insists quietly. “I don’t wanna be one of those terrible guests who controls everything.  Says who can come over.  That’s not cool.”

“No, it’s not, but it’s also not that.  You have a question that makes sense.  You wanna avoid this person.  This trigger.  I think Pearl would get that.”

“I don’t want her to know the person’s a trigger…” Levi insists.  “I just want to ask her about it.  See what she says.  I don’t want her to know it’s why I’m upset.”

“That’s your call,” Jesus nods.  “You want me to ask Pearl to come up here?”

“Will you be on her side?” he asks.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re her friend.  You’ve known her for years.  Your loyalty’s obviously to her.  What if…I don’t know…you decide she deserves to know more?  What if I bring up what I wanna ask her, and then you change your mind and tell her about the person being a trigger…”

“That’s not gonna happen.  I’m her friend.  But I hope you know I’m yours, too.”

“We’ll see…” Levi shrugs.

Levi waits in the loft alone while Jesus and Dudley go get Pearl.  As soon as she and Dominique come out, Mariana and Francesca come in.  Francesca announces loudly she’s getting dressed, and nobody should come in the bedroom where Pearl and Dominique just were.

He catches Dominique’s eye.  Nods at her.  She raises her eyebrows.  A question.  Does he want her to join them upstairs?  Slightly, he shakes his head no.

Too soon, Jesus is back up here with Pearl. Cleo’s here, too.  Levi wants to hold Cleo so bad, he practically hurts.

Pearl’s hiding her shaking hands in her pocket.  “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Levi nods.  He’s sitting cross-legged on the floor now.  Pearl’s across from him.  Jesus is on the footstool, with Dudley at his side.  He also isn’t sure why he’s lying about being okay to her.  But the lie just keeps coming.

“So…this isn’t related…but your mom stopped by…” Levi’s concentrating on Cleo’s fur.  Her adorable face.  

He can hear the surprise in Pearl’s voice as she asks, “Oh?”

“Yeah.  She said you called?  You invited her?  About Dad?  I guess I’m wondering…  I mean, I kinda thought you guys weren’t in touch.”

“We aren’t.  She’s right.  I did call her with questions about Dad, but she never answered.  Never returned my call.  And I definitely never invited her out here, Levi.  Was she rude to you?”

“She was fine…it’s just…she doesn’t really like me?”

“What do you mean, she doesn’t like you?  She doesn’t  _know_  you.”

“Yeah, not personally, but she knows Dad got married again after her.  Knows I came along.  Dad said once…she doesn’t hate me personally…just what I represent.”

Levi finally meets Pearl’s eyes.  They’re troubled.  

“I’m not trying to be one of those rude people…” Levi’s gaze flickers to Jesus, who nods at him.  “But I need you to know that I’m not really 100% comfortable with her.  And she said she was gonna come back…and I’m just…  I get that she’s your mom, but she judges me.  Hard.”

“I’m sorry.  I did not invite her, Levi.  I didn’t.  And I’m sorry she came by and made an already hard day even harder on you.  I’ll call her and make it clear she’s not to do that again.  In the meantime, if you’d rather not answer the door when I’m not home, don’t feel pressured.”

“She doesn’t, like, have a key, or anything, does she?” he worries.

“No,” Pearl bristles.  “I don’t think so.  I’ve never given her one.  Now is there anything else I can do?  Can I help?  You wanna tell me what else is going on?  Are you sad about Dad, or?”

“Not really…” Levi hedges, an answer, somehow, to all four of her questions at once.

“Can I talk to Dominique now?” he asks, after an awkward silence falls.

Pearl offers a hug before she goes and Levi nods, thinking he does need a lot of hugs to make today better.  But he finds himself stiffening in her embrace.

“Sorry,” he apologizes.

“I’m gonna run home and call Mom.  Give her a piece of my mind.  Are you gonna hang out here today?”

“I think?” he ventures.  “And I have work at 3:00…”

“If you need to call in sick, you can,” Pearl says.  “No one would think less of you.”

“Except I kinda already switched shifts earlier this week.  No one’s gonna wanna work for me again so soon.”

“Never know ‘til you ask…” Pearl squeezes his shoulder and heads downstairs.  

Jesus follows, saying over his shoulder.  “Your emotional health matters.  Needing time off for that is valid.  Not a bad idea to call in if you can.  Take care of yourself today…”

It’s a suggestion, Levi can tell by the tone, but it also feels ridiculously like overkill.  Like Levi’s giving off vibes that he’s gonna break any minute.  Like he’s weak.

When Dominique gets to the top of the stairs and finds him on the floor, she automatically sits down with him, facing him.  “So…” she ventures.

“So, did you tell Pearl?” he asks.

“I did not tell Pearl anything other than to respect your privacy and be there for you in a calm way.  Was she?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Levi consents.  “This feels weird…”

“I bet it does,” Dominique offers, sympathetic.

“I feel all…I don’t know…  You know how paper is?” he asks.

“Tell me,” Dominique is so here with him.  Tracking with him.  Not saying he’s not making any sense.

“You can crumple it.  Fold it.  Rip it.  Throw it out.  I feel like that.  Papery,” Levi admits.

“So maybe vulnerable?  Maybe worthless?” she offers gently.

“Yeah, maybe…” he allows.  “Am I?”  He’s afraid to make eye contact, just in case Dominique’s out of patience with him, too.

“If you’re vulnerable, that’s expected.  It’s safe.  It’s okay.  No one’s gonna hurt you.”  She’s speaking really deliberately right now.  Really quietly, too, so it makes Levi feel like he can still be honest without being overhead.  “You were treated like you were worthless, so it makes sense that you might feel that right now.  But,” she pauses, looking Levi in the eye.  “That does not make it true.  You aren’t worthless.”

He stares back, hard.  His eyes are dry and heavy.  There are a million questions whirring around in his head.  A million things he needs to know, and he has none of the words to ask them.

Finally, he breaks eye contact.  “I am, though.  I mean, I really, pretty much am…”  He’s staring at the floor.

“‘Cause seeing her scared you back into that feeling,” Dominique says knowing, but not like Levi’s wrong for it.  “That makes sense.  You stay with us ‘til the feeling lifts.”

“What if it never does?”

Dominique cocks her head.

“Can I still stay?  Even if I always feel like this?” he asks the floor.

“Levi, I hope you’ll never leave.  And I wish we never had to.” Dominique admits, her voice going strange and tight.

“So…”

“Stay.  Please.”  

It’s like she has so much more to say, but she stops at just those two words.

Lucky for Levi, they’re enough.  Lucky for him, they’re exactly what Levi needs to hear.


	19. Chapter 19

Pearl’s walking back to her cabin, when she notices her mom’s car pulling in the drive.  

_Really_?

“Cleo, come on.  This is serious business.  Your first experience with Mom, in the flesh.  Brace yourself,” Pearl warns, breathing deeply.

“Mom,” she acknowledges coolly.  “What are you doing here?”

“ _You_  called  _me_ , Pearl.  Don’t act like this is such a surprise.”  (Mom’s clearly out of patience, too.  This will be fun…)

“Yeah, I did.  I didn’t  _invite_  you here.  I called you months ago.  You never got back to me.”

“I was working.  Maybe you’d know something about that if you did it, too.”

“Did you have a reason for coming out here?”

“Do I need a reason to see my daughter?  You’re asking questions about Paris.  Your living with his son.  How do you think that makes me feel?”

“How do you think it makes  _me_  feel that for years, my father was  _alive_?  For most of my life, I could have known him.  He used to stop by the house and try to see me.  Because you invited him.  Because you told him I’d be there.”

“I don’t remember that,” Mom insists.  “He was trying to make up for not being there when you were growing up.  I was trying to protect you.”

“Sounds a lot like you remember…” Pearl ventures.  “I don’t need your approval to get to know my own family.”

“That Levi?  He is not your family.  _I’m_  your family!” Mom’s getting angry now, or finally letting it show.

“Family doesn’t treat each other like this.  Family doesn’t lie and isolate someone.”

“This is unbelievable…” Mom scoffs. “I didn’t raise you to be this way…”

“No, you raised me to disappear!  To blame myself!  To have no friends!  To be a doormat!  Don’t come back out here, Mom.  You’re not welcome.”

Pearl turns and walks back to Frank’s cabin.  The last thing she wants is to be alone at home right now, where Mom could knock and harass relentlessly.

“That’s not where you live!” Mom shouts.  “Who’s over there?  I’ll call Stefanie and find out.”

“You do that…”

“I should’ve moved up here years ago to keep an eye on you!”

“I’m an adult,” Pearl calls.

“Age is just a number.  I am your mother.  I expect you to respect me!”

Pearl turns on her.  “You earn respect, Mom.  You make yourself worthy of it.  It’s not handed to you.”

She walks into Frank’s cabin and has to stop herself from slamming the door.

“That screaming lady is your mom?” Francesca asks, her eyes big.

“Yeah.  I’m sorry you heard all that.”

“Is your mom friends with my mom?” Francesca asks, warily.

“Why?”

“‘Cause they kinda act the same…” Francesca ventures, wrinkling her nose.  “Hey, can I see Levi?  I wanna ask him something.”

Pearl takes a deep breath.  Lets it out.  “What did you want to ask him?” she wonders.  Pearl figures talking to Francesca is a good option right now.  She’s probably too wound up to be around Levi without it rubbing off on him.

“If he wants to watch  _Moana_  together…  He said that was him and his dad’s favorite thing to do together.  I thought it might make him feel better from whatever’s wrong.”

“I didn’t know that,” Pearl ventures.

“You said you guys have the same dad.  How come you didn’t know his favorite movie?”

“I didn’t get the chance to know him like Levi did.  My mom kept him a secret from me.”

“Levi?” Francesca asks, confused.

“No.  Well, yes, technically.  But I meant, my dad.  When I was little, she told me a lie about him.”

“You wanna know a secret?” Francesca whispers.  “I don’t know my dad either.  Moms say the other kids, you know, Jesus and Mariana and Callie and Jude?  That they can always talk about their bio parents.  Brandon can talk about his dad.  But if I ever bring up mine?  Crickets chirping.  Nobody talks.  I don’t even know his name or anything.”

“So…you’re their biological daughter?”

“Mama had me.  You know Lena?” she asks, curious.

“We met a couple times, yeah.”

“So…I’m hers for real…but I don’t know my dad.  I don’t know why they won’t tell me anything about him.  Do you think he doesn’t want me?  Or is it like your mom?  Are they tricking me?”

“I’m not sure.  But do your brothers and sisters know anything?  They’re older?  You might ask them.”

“Jesus doesn’t.  He didn’t get to be there when I was born.  So he doesn’t know.  I maybe could ask Mari.  She knows a lot.  And she tells the truth.”

“Good idea.  Hey, can I watch  _Moana_  with you?” Pearl asks.  “I’ve never seen it.  I’d like to.”

“Seriously?  It’s the best.  I’ll get my IPad.”  She glances up, sees Levi looking down from the loft.  “Hey Levi.  If you want, me and Pearl are gonna watch  _Moana_.  You can watch with us…”

“Thanks, but I gotta call somebody.  Maybe in a little bit.”

“Should we wait?”

“No.”

“Will it make you sadder to hear?  We can go in another room,” Francesca offers and Pearl’s touched at her sensitivity.

“No, it makes me happy to hear.  You can watch it wherever,” Levi tells her.

His gaze travels to Pearl.  He raises his eyebrows.

“She knows she’s not invited back.” Pearl tells him.

“Did she leave?”

Pearl checks out the window.  There’s a knock on the front door.  “If that’s my mom again…” Pearl mutters under her breath.

“It’s Jesus, probably.  He took Dudley out,” Francesca insists.

“Oh, and I locked the door behind me.  Brilliant,” Pearl slaps her forehead.  She checks out the window and opens the door for Jesus.

–

The minute Levi hears the knock, he bolts from the loft into the bathroom behind him.  He knows Mariana can see him.  He didn’t have time to close the door.  Dominique had gone out with Jesus to walk Dudley.  But before they left, Dom had given Mariana a hand up the stairs so Levi wouldn’t be alone up here.

Levi’s braced over the sink, sick as a dog.  His nerves were fried before hearing the second knock.  And that?  Just sent him over the edge.

Even though it’s nasty and Levi feels nauseated, he cleans up after himself impeccably, using the cleaning supplies he can find under the sink to be sure none of them get his germs.  He’s glad no one seems to be living up here for the time being.

He walks out, unsteady.  Mariana offers a hand.  Levi takes it without thinking.

“You’re sick.  Now you can call in,” she tells him matter of factly.

He raises his eyebrows, but figures she’s right.  She sits on the footstool and him in the chair while he calls into work.

“Hey, this is Levi West.  Can I please speak to…”

Mariana sits by, listening.  He realizes mid phone call that he’s still holding her hand.  He’s struck by how she just stays.  Not grossed out by him at all.  Not afraid to touch him.  Not acting like she’s gonna hurt him.

Like he hopes, the mention of vomit has the boss telling him they’ll figure something out for his shift.  Telling him not to come in.

He hangs up and breathes.  He feels gross.  

“You can lie down if you want.  There’s a bedroom,” she gestures.  “No one sleeps up here.  No one will bug you.”

“Thanks.  Let me give you a hand down the stairs first.”

“Oh.  Thanks…” Mariana says, seeming surprised.  

They don’t talk as she descends.  But once they’re safely at the bottom, she turns to him.  “If you need us, just yell.  Or come out by the railing.  Or Jesus or someone can check if you need anything.  So you won’t be alone.”  She opens her arms.

Levi’s so touched, he blinks back tears.  “I’m all disgusting, though.”

“Please.  That was trauma-puke.  You’re not gross.  Come here.  You know, if you want.”

Levi bends down to hug her.  Despite her small size, and general unsteadiness, her hugs are solid.  Warm.  Strong.  They feel 100% safe.  Like Jesus’s.  But this is even more remarkable because Mariana’s female.  And Levi generally has a harder time with female affection.

He feels himself breaking a little bit, but she holds on until he backs off.  Waves over his shoulder.  Retreats upstairs, and falls into a bed with an old fashioned headboard and a quilt printed with moose.  He falls asleep in minutes, tears still on his face.

–

Dominique and Jesus stop in for lunch and sweatshirts and to check in on Levi.  Mariana says he’s sleeping and that he called into work.  Pearl and Francesca are watching  _Moana_  still, because Francesca keeps pausing it to explain things to Pearl or to tell her something random.  Pearl doesn’t seem to mind.  Mariana joins them.

Jesus is checking in with Francesca to be sure she’s feeling included.  She is.

Dominique runs upstairs to listen at the one closed door.  The light’s off and she doesn’t hear anything.  Safe to assume Levi’s all right for the time being.

She and Jesus go back outside with Dudley.  They sit at the picnic table.

“So, are you okay?” Jesus asks her.

“You know I never know how to answer that question.  Are you?”

“Not really…” he admits.

“Not really either,” she echoes.

“It’s hard.  Like…when someone’s dealing with a lot?” he starts.  “Like, trauma stuff?  I find myself reacting the same.”

Dominique cocks her head.

“I do things the same,” he tries again.

“Like, what things?” she asks.

“Like, I always cover the person.  And bring food,” he shares, almost reverent.

“You see to their basic needs…” Dominique fills in.  “That’s good.  That’s necessary.”

“But it reminds me…of Isaac…”

Dominique flips through her mental files.  The name sounds familiar and soon she knows why.  She’s able to fill the gap with the face of a kid from Santa Barbara.  Brown hair.  Grey eyes.  Freckles.  Big smile.  Cute dog with a ridiculously adult sounding name: George, or Winston or something.

The  _Dateline_  special, where Isaac’s mom was interviewed?  Well, Dominique had watched it.  Hoping for more clues about Jesus (who she only knew then as her invisible friend and emotional support, through her own ordeal.)  A year after her own escape, he got away, too.  She had to deal with a strange betrayal, knowing their circumstances had not been identical as she needed them to be.  Another year passed, around May of 2012, and there was the other little boy’s mother.  Interviewed for an hour.

Dominique had watched, hoping for a mention of Jesus.

_“Do you find comfort knowing that your son wasn’t alone in that house?”_ Dominique remembers the interviewer asking.

_“I do.  I do find comfort in that._ ”  The woman blew her nose.  

_“Jesus Foster was a 9-year-old from San Diego, when Chris Mitchell kidnapped him back in 2007.  He was still missing when, 2 years later, Allison Martin’s son, Isaac, was taken, as well,”_  a reporter narrated off screen.  The picture from all the Missing posters of Jesus was on the screen.  Then, video of a few seconds of the back of his head.  Long hair.  Before he covered it with a blanket.

_“Do you wonder what Jesus knows?  About your son?  How close they were?  Have you spoken to him?  Asked for details?”_

_“No,” Allison wept.  “Jesus has been through enough.  He needs to be home with his family.  He needs to have privacy.  To heal.  If the situation were reversed, and Isaac came home, I know that’s what I would want for him.”_

Dominique blinks.  “The other kid.”

“Yeah,” Jesus nods.

“You took care of him the way you’re taking care of Levi?” Dominique wonders.

Jesus nods again.  “And that feels…like a lot?”

“Well, it would, I suppose, yeah.” Dominique nods.  There’s a pause.  Jesus still looks distressed.  “Listen, Levi’s gonna be okay.  It feels the same.  But it’s not, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jesus answers softly.  “What about you?”

“What  _about_  me?”  Dominique presses, guard firmly raised.

“You said you’re not really okay either.”

“You’re Jesus Foster,” a new voice interrupts.  

It makes goosebumps raise up under Dominique’s sweatshirt.  She turns, to see a white lady in a navy jacket.  Jeans.  Dressy shoes.  

“And you are?” Jesus asks, not giving this presumptuous lady an inch.  (Dominique’s glad.)

“Oh, I’m sorry.  I’m Pearl West’s mom.  I knew Frank.  And Stef.”

Dominique’s face sets into a hard mask.  She steps back.  It’s either that, or jump across the table and grab her by the throat.  This woman.  This is the woman who hurt Levi.  Who assaulted Levi, when he was just a kid.  Younger, even, than Dominique had been.

“We gotta go,” Dominique tells Jesus, not dropping his name.  Not giving Pearl’s mom the satisfaction.

Jesus doesn’t need to hear an out given twice.  He gets up and walks around the table.  

“Pearl said you were visiting,” the woman calls at Jesus’s back.  “I just wanted to see how you’re doing.  Tell your mom I said hi,” she calls.

Dominique shuts the door firmly at their backs.  Moves aside so Jesus can lock it himself.

“Pearl, I don’t know if you know…but your mom’s outside.  She just…I don’t know…tried to start a conversation with me?  Said you told her we were visiting?”

Jesus seems doubtful.  

“Oh.  My.  God.  Why can’t she leave, and stop lying to people?” Pearl insists.  “She’s infuriating.  I’m so sorry she approached you.  Are you okay?  I didn’t tell her you were here.  I would never tell her that.”

Dominique isn’t sure what to believe.  She doesn’t know Pearl well, and the two of them don’t get along well.  But she does trust Jesus and Mariana and their judgment.  They wouldn’t be friends with someone they couldn’t trust.  It’s been a while since Dominique’s been around someone so manipulative.  The fact that it’s a woman does throw a wrench in things, temporarily.  She’s always functioned under the belief that women were more trustworthy than men.  But this woman, Pearl’s mom?  Clearly cannot be trusted.

She’s obviously a liar.  She’s proven that much with Pearl.  She’s abusive.  She’s proven that much with Levi.  Just seeing her, makes Dominique want to be sure he’s okay.  She goes upstairs and sits on the landing.

She likes being able to see everything.  Everybody.  All the comings and goings.  She takes a picture through the thick wooden railings.  Then over the railing to all the open space below.

Eventually, she moves to the head of the stairs and sits.  If Pearl’s mom knows she’s here, she might try coming in.  And if she even thinks about trying anything with Levi?

She’ll have to come through Dominique first.


	20. Chapter 20

Jesus can’t quite shake the feeling he gets every single time someone recognizes him.  Every time someone asks that question.  “Are you Jesus Foster?” Because it’s coming up on ten years since he got away.  And no matter how much time passes, he finds he still feels a rage inside hearing those words.

Because it’s self-serving.  They’re not talking to him  _for him_.  They’re talking to him  _for them_.  He wished he got to talk to Dominique about it, but she’s upstairs in  the loft, waiting for Levi.

Rationally, Jesus knows it’s good for her to be there.  Levi needs somebody.  He’s had a beyond rough day.  Jesus knows what it looks like when you just escaped a predator, and that’s basically how Levi looked.  Still.  He wishes there were somebody he could talk to about this.  

It can’t be Pearl.  That would be awkward, complaining about how he wished he could punch her mom in the face.  Can’t be Francesca, because he can’t put this stuff on her.  She’s too little.

“Why do you look like that?” Mariana asks, startling him.

“Look like what?” he asks, irritated.

He’s sitting in front of a sub sandwich.  Not realizing his jaw is super tense until Mariana sits down next to him.  He tries to breathe.  Knows he needs to eat.  He can’t let Pearl’s mom’s assery factor into his wellbeing.  But it does factor in.

It makes him feel like a thing to use.  Like he exists to be gawked at.  To owe people the info they ask for, at the exact time they ask.  

It’s not so different from being kidnapped.

“What happened outside?” Mari pushes gently.

“Nothing,” he drops his voice.  “Somebody recognized me…”

Mari’s eyes grow concerned.  “Just a rando?  Or?”

He nods at Pearl.

Mariana follows his gaze but doesn’t follow his train of thought.  Their twinbrain isn’t activated.  It isn’t usually for stuff from Then for him, or the car accident for her.

“Her mom,” he says lowly, clearing his throat.  “Said Pearl  _said_  we were here.  It was creepy.  Like she was just hanging around to approach me…”

Mariana wrinkles her nose.  She offers Jesus the pickle off her own plate.  Pickles are the best, obviously.  They both save them for last.  

He waves it off.  “No.  It’s yours.”

“Jesus,” she says simply.

“I know.  I will, okay?  I’ll eat.  I’m just…”

“You’re safe,” Mariana insists.  “Dominique and Levi? Francesca and Pearl?  Me and you?  We’re here.  We’re all here for each other.  We’re not gonna hurt you.  Please eat my pickle,” she practically begs, setting it on his plate.

Jesus regards it for a long time.  Finally, he picks it up.  Takes a bite.  The sharp tang of vinegar is like a jolt through him.  Wakes him up from low-level dissociation that had been threatening to get worse if he couldn’t eat.  Luckily, Mariana knows that.

She sits with him while he eats.  It’s agonizingly slow.  But he’s in a rare headspace where if someone tried to help him, he’d shut down.  So, having Mariana near him helps.  It’s what he needs.

When he’s done, they climb the stairs to join Dominique, Jesus giving Mariana a hand.

“I was just telling Mariana about…” Jesus nods at the door.

Dominique’s eyes darken.  She nods.  It’s stiff.

“Is Levi okay?” Mariana asks.  “You guys know he got sick when there was a knock on our door…”

“No, I didn’t…” Dominique says.  Her face is unreadable.

“No way.  That sucks,” Jesus breathes, sympathetic.  “Dominique, are you okay?  From before?”

“Are  _you_?” she volleys the question back, a slight challenge in her eyes.  A warning.  “Let’s just not talk about it.  I mean, you guys can.  But not here.  I don’t want this to turn into social hour.”

“Okay,” Jesus says, taking the hint.  “Mari, you wanna stay here?” he asks, standing up.

“Yeah, I’ll stay,” she says, bumping shoulders with Dominique.  Dominique bumps her back.

“I think I’m gonna see if I can find a life jacket for Frankie.  See if she wants to go out on the dock.”

“You gonna be okay out there?” Dominique asks.  

“Yeah.  Should be.  Dudley will be with me,” Jesus nods.

Jesus goes down to the living room where Francesca’s got her headphones on in front of her IPad.  Pearl’s asleep on their couch.  Cleo’s curled under her arm.

“Hey, buddy.  If you wanna go out on the dock with me, I can look for a life jacket for you…” he offers, tapping her on the shoulder.

“Pearl fell asleep before Moana even left…” Francesca reports, disappointed.

“She had a tough day,” Jesus says.

“Because her mom yelled at her,” Francesca fills in.  “I know.  It’s still rude to fall asleep when you say you’re gonna do something with someone.”

Jesus walks with Francesca outside.  He looks through Grandpa’s shed and finds an ancient orange life jacket with Snoopy on the front.

“No.  That’s so babyish, Jesus, please.” Francesca whines.

“We don’t have to go on the dock.  I just remember you wanted to.”

“Do I have to wear that?  What if I promise to be super careful?” she bargains.

“Francesca,” Jesus squats in front of her.  Dudley licks his face for a good measure.  “No one’s gonna tease you here, remember?” he says gently.  “If you wanna go on the dock, you’ve gotta wear the life jacket.  That’s the deal.”

“It makes me feel stupid,” Francesca blurts, looking hurt.

“Staying alive isn’t stupid,” Jesus says, dangerously close to his worst Isaac memories.  “Staying alive is really smart.”

“You wouldn’t let me drown,” Francesca pushes back.  “I know you.  You’d save me.”

“I can’t save everybody, Francesca,” he explains sadly.  “I don’t wanna take that chance with you.  It’s too big a risk, when there’s an easy fix.”

“You just don’t wanna save me if I fall in…” Francesca pouts.

“Buddy, what’s really going on?  Talk to me.” Jesus tries.  “Take a deep breath.”

She does, blinking back tears.  Jesus sees it when she absently (or maybe not) pinches the skin on her arm hard.

“Can I hold your hands?” he asks.

Francesca crosses her arms.  Doesn’t look at him.  Loses her balance.  Catches herself on a tree.

Jesus sits down where he is.  Hopes Francesca might follow suit.  He hasn’t spent this much uninterrupted time with her in a while.  Hasn’t realized her self harming has reached the point where she does it in front of people.  Or maybe, she does it in front of them because she knows they won’t judge her.

Dudley rests half his giant body in Jesus’s lap.  It helps.  This day has been super trigger heavy, between Levi, and Pearl’s mom, and now thinking of Isaac, and watching his baby sis do this…  He needs Dudley right now.

Francesca stands until she can’t anymore.  Until her legs literally give out.  She starts tearing up the grass around her. “Why do you keep hurting my feelings?” she asks brokenly.  

“Buddy, I’m sorry.  I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings.  I never wanna do that.  I’m just trying to understand.  And I’m trying to keep you safe.”

“Well, you don’t understand.  And you obviously don’t want me to be safe.  So you might as well stop trying.”  She’s still focused on destroying the grass around her.

“I do want to understand, and I definitely want you to be safe.” Jesus insists gently.

“Then stop saying you’re gonna not gonna save me if I drown!” she screams suddenly, staring at him, face flushed and tears threatening.  “That’s mean and it hurts my feelings!”

He’s quiet a while.  Giving Francesca’s anger space.  In case she needs to say more.  Turns out, she does.

“It doesn’t make sense to say you love me if you don’t care about me drowning!  That makes zero sense!  And it doesn’t make sense because I know you  _could_  save me.  So why do I have to wear a dumb life jacket?!  People already stare at me, Jesus!  I don’t wanna give them another reason!  I don’t wanna look even more stupid than I already do!  Why won’t you just be there, and save me if I fall?!”

Jesus waits again.  Makes sure Francesca’s done screaming before he tries to talk to her.  When he does, he knows he’s taking a risk, but he also knows he has to try to explain his word choice to her.  

“When I was twelve…just a little bit older than you…I tried to save my best friend.”

“Mariana?”  Francesca asks, confusion overtaking her anger.  

“No, another best friend,” Jesus confesses.  “Our family didn’t know him.  Only I did.”

“Was it Dominique?  Pearl?” Francesca quizzes.

“Buddy, please listen.  This is hard for me to say.  But I want to share it with you, so you understand where I’m coming from about this life jacket thing.  That I’m not trying to be mean to you.”

“I just have one more question,” she whispers.

“What?”

“Was I born yet?” Francesca asks.

Jesus thinks back.  June of 2010.  “Yeah, you were.  You were 2 months old.  Still in the hospital back in San Diego, I think.  But I didn’t know about you yet.”

Realization dawns.  “Oh.  This was when the bad guy took you…” she asks slowly.

“Right.  And after a while, he took another boy, too.  We got to be friends.  And one day, I tried to save him.  As hard as I could.  Only I couldn’t do it.”

Jesus is seriously editing the horror he went through trying to save Isaac following an escape attempt Jesus had started.  Jesus can’t think about the details much or he starts to disappear - to dissociate.  And he needs to stay here, to explain this to Francesca.

“Where is he?” Francesca asks, wide eyed.

“You know the cemetery, like where Grandpa Frank is?” he asks.  “He’s in one of those.”

“Oh,” Francesca says, stunned.  “He died.”

Jesus nods.  

“Oh.  So…wait…no.  I don’t get it.” Francesca admits.  “Sorry.”

“I’m not saying I won’t save you, Fran.  If you fell in the water?  I’d try as hard as I could to save you.  And maybe I’d get to you in time.  But maybe my best wouldn’t be good enough.  Like when I was twelve.  Maybe I’d try as hard as I could and it wouldn’t work.”  He pauses.  “I don’t wanna risk your life when I don’t have to.  If the life jacket will help you stay alive until I can get to you - if it will help me  _see_  where you  _are_ …I want you to have it on.”

Francesca’s staring at him.  Trying hard to soak all of this in.

“I get not wanting to be noticed extra.  I do.  People notice who I am all the time and it makes me angry.  It makes me feel different.”

“Me, too,” Francesca comments softly.

“That’s not why I want you to wear this…” Jesus ventures.

“It’s so…in case I do fall…you’d be able to save me better?” Francesca asks.

Jesus nods.  “Yeah.  That’s why.”  He lets out a breath he didn’t know he’s been holding.

She takes the life jacket without a word and puts it on.  Struggles to zip it.  “It squishes me,” she says.  “And it kinda smells.  Are you sure there’s no people staring?”

“I’m sure,” Jesus says, taking the opportunity to scope for Pearl’s mom.  He doesn’t see her.  Thank goodness.

“Can I ask a trauma question?” she asks, as they walk hand in hand onto the dock.  

Jesus doesn’t answer until they’re both seated on the ancient white painted dock chair.

“I think so,” he says, after considering it.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Francesca reassures.  “But…I was just wondering…  If your best friend had a life jacket…would that have made a difference?”

“No, buddy,” Jesus says, defeated.  “But thanks for remembering to ask me first about the trauma question.  That’s cool that you remembered.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you…” Francesca apologizes.  “And I’m sorry about your friend.”

Jesus sniffs, blinking back tears.  “Thanks.”

“Feelings suck sometimes, huh?” Francesca mutters darkly.

“Yeah, they do,” Jesus sighs.  

–

Levi wakes up unsure of where he is.  What time it is.  What day.  Then it all comes seeping back into his awareness.

Carla coming over.  Carla, when he was a kid.  

The other knock at the door.

Levi pulls the blankets up.  He feels like he could sleep for a year.  He wants to, but he has to get up and pee.  He comes out, squinting hard and shielding his eyes from the bright light outside the dark bedroom.

He sees Dominique on the top step.  Her back to him.  It makes  him feel good that she’s there.  She glances at him, but he doesn’t look back.  He goes in the bathroom and locks the door behind himself.  

Being in here?  Doing this?  Brings back sensations he can actually feel.  He cringes.  Tries to hurry and get this over with so he can put everything back the way it’s meant to be.

He washes his hands at the sink, avoiding his reflection in the mirror.

Finally, he cracks the door open.  Dominique’s still out here.

Levi doesn’t know where to go.  What to say.  Anything.  He still feels those sensations.  Even with his sweats and everything.  He’s standing just outside the bathroom, shifting.

“Hey,” Dominique calls.

Levi sits down.  “Think I might be…I don’t know…something…” he ventures, hoarse.

“Something?” Dominique turns.  “Can I come sit across from you?”

He nods.

“What’s something?  Can you tell me about it?” Dominique tries, quiet.

Levi ducks his head.  “Like…something wrong…” he clarifies.  “Like, with me…  I keep feeling…like it’s happening again…  Like, actually.”

“That’s normal,” Dominique reassures.  “It sucks.  But it’s normal.  It happens.  Just…know you are safe here.  That includes your body.  That includes privately on your body…” she says, remembering the words he chose to use.  “Nobody’s gonna hurt you there.”

Levi doesn’t look at her.  But he does listen.  He clears his throat.

Dominique hands him a bottle of water.  “Stay as long as you like.  Be safe with us.”

Tears roll off his face.  

Levi’s never heard kinder words.

 


	21. Chapter 21

Levi’s pretty committed to staying in the loft indefinitely.  When he starts to smell taco meat browning, he wills his stomach not to growl.  Knows Pearl has a way of taking over kitchens.  Knows cooking is something she likes doing, and something she’s good at.

But Levi doesn’t think he should join them.  

Dominique’s still up here, too.  It’s like she’s scared to leave him alone.  He doesn’t mind it but wishes she didn’t feel like she had to be here.  He feels ashamed that he’s stopped their day.  Checks his phone and it’s a quarter to five.  Technically, he should be at work.

But he’s here, hiding out.  Because he can’t deal with Carla.  Even though he managed to deal with her fine for almost ten years.  Now, for some reason, it’s major.  It makes Levi feel wrong.

He still hasn’t gotten a shower.  It makes him feel embarrassed.  Ashamed.  Not good enough to be around people.  Even if he could shower here, he’d have to put his gross pajamas back on.  Plus, now he got Jesus’s hoodie all sweaty.

Everything is going wrong.

He kinda wants to go back to the bedroom, but he doesn’t really wanna be alone.  He slept the day away, and now he’s up.  He’d just be staring at the ceiling in the dark.  Levi kinda wants to pet Cleo.  But he doesn’t wanna get up and check out where she is.

Instead, he looks at all the books and games on the bookshelf.  Sits wedged in behind the chair.  It’s tight but that’s okay.  It feels good to be out here but not really.  He stays hidden.  Tries not to think about this morning.  Or the random knocking.  Or anything.

“Dinner,” Pearl calls.  Levi can hear everyone go to the kitchen.

“You coming?” Dominique calls.

“You go,” Levi says softly.  “I just wanna hang out up here.”

“Okay.  Well, give us a yell if you need us,” she says, and starts downstairs.

It feels okay.  Until it doesn’t.  He remembers Francesca’s words to him that first night talking about feelings, and Sock Feeling.  Right now?  He has Robe Feeling. It’s not good.

“Hey, Levi?” (Speaking of Francesca…)

“What?” he says back.

“I wanna ask you something.  Can you come downstairs?”

Levi sighs.  As he gets closer, he can see Francesca at the bottom.  She seems poised to start crawling up on all fours, but like she maybe thought better of it.

He gets to the bottom.  “What’s up?”

“Why don’t you wanna have dinner with us?’ she asks seriously.

He bites his lip.  Unsure of how to explain or what words might come flying out of his mouth.

“You really are a part of us.  I know that.  I shouldn’t have said you weren’t.  And Pearl wasn’t.”

Levi nods.  “I just…feel…” he shrugs.  “You know like when you’re really dirty, and you know you shouldn’t be touching food?’

Francesca cocks her head.  “Can I see your hands?”

Confused, he shows her.  He holds them out in front of him.  They’re not shaky like Pearl’s.  They barely tremble.  He wonders if anyone would even notice.

Francesca’s giving his hands a once over, inspecting them.  “Your hands are super clean.  Even your nails are clean.  Even if they weren’t, you could just wash them and come and eat with us.”

Levi backs up.  He’s not sure why.  

“Hey,” Mariana says, coming up and putting her hands on Francesca’s shoulders gently.  “If Levi’s feeling nervous, give him space,” she urges.

“But he didn’t tell me that,” Francesca objects softly.

“Backing up is telling you that.  Go sit down,” Mariana tells her calmly.

Levi meets her eyes.  Forces a smile.  “Hey.”

“Hey.  So…” she leads him around a corner where there’s a bench by the door.  They sit.  “You don’t have to be fine.  Like, to be down here?  You don’t have to keep it all together.  You can feel stuff.”

“I’m disgusting, though…” he whispers.

“It’s okay to feel that.  It makes sense.  But…we…are not gonna treat you like you’re disgusting.  We’re gonna treat you like…”

The pause is so long, Levi’s sure Mariana’s having second thoughts about not treating him disgusting.

“…Sorry…” she apologizes eventually.  “Words are hard.”

“Like something good?” he ventures, shy.

“Like  _someone_.  Like someone who matters.  Because you are.  And you do.  Feelings are okay.  All of us know how to support each other through…whatever feelings…  Not to make fun.”

“It’s not Feelings Time…” Levi objects.

“No, but we don’t just respect each other then.  We respect each other all the time.  So, we don’t tease.  Francesca knows, too.  So…”

Levi’s eyes get huge.  Is it like he used to fear?  Can people see it on him?  What Carla did?  Can they see his badness?  His dirtiness?

“She knows about not teasing, Levi.  Nothing else.  We aren’t gonna ask you, or expect you to…share or whatever…  Just come and be with us.  Please?”

“You guys don’t need me…” Levi scoffs, running a hand through his hair.

“Why?  I mean, like…” Mariana hesitates.  “What do you mean?”

Levi sighs.  “I feel best…when people need me.  And none of you need me.  You have everything you need already in each other.  I’m just…I don’t know…extra.”

“So you need to feel needed?  In order to feel like we want you with us?”

Shrugging, Levi sighs.  “It sounds so messed up.”

“No.  It doesn’t.  Can I…tell you something.  A way you can help me?  For real?”

Levi blinks.  “Did you just have that cued up?  Or are you like…conjuring ways to make me feel affirmed?” he asks, feeling like he can be this honest with Mariana.

“It’s not cued up.  I’m not conjuring anything.  My…situation means I need help a lot.  Usually, more than I get.  Because it feels awkward to need to ask.  I used to be…really…like, adept…not adept, but like, I was fine on my own?”

“Independent?” Levi wonders.

“Yeah.  So, now I’m not.  And any of them?” she gestures behind her.  “Would help me if I asked.  But Dom already tried, and she couldn’t, and she feels bad about it.  She didn’t say it, but…  I don’t wanna make anybody else feel bad.  Or feel like a burden.  But since you said helping might make you feel better…I thought…I don’t know…maybe I could ask…”

“Yeah.  Go for it,” Levi nods.

Mariana cups her hand and whispers in his ear: “I dropped my brush behind the toilet in our bathroom this morning.”

She pulls back and now she’s the one biting her lip.

“I can get it?  This isn’t like a weird setup or a trick?” he asks.  She doesn’t know details as far as he knows.  Just that he’s having a crappy day.  And probably has trauma like everybody else.

“I mean…I’d like to be able to brush my hair the rest of the week…” she’s blushing.  “It’s not a trick.”

“Can I go myself?” he asks.  If he has to go in a bathroom with anyone, Levi’s not sure what will happen.

Mariana nods.

Levi gets up.  Passes one bathroom on the first floor and scopes out behind its toilet just in case.

“It’s the one off the bedroom where Pearl was earlier,” Mariana clarifies.

“Oh.”  Levi keeps going, sticking to hallways so he won’t have to feel everybody’s eyes on him.  He finds the bedroom.  Flips on the light.  Finds the bathroom.  Light again. And there’s the brush, in the tiny space in the corner behind the toilet.

On his hands and knees, he tries to reach for it, but the space is too narrow and the toilet’s too wide.  He stands up.  Looks in the closet.  Finds a spare toilet brush.  Brand new.  Tag still on it.  He goes back to the corner, and uses that brush to rescue Mariana’s.

It just works, and he pulls it out, hearing it scrape the linoleum, glad the new toilet brush has good bristles to keep a solid grip.  Then, Levi shakes off the toilet brush, which looks…not bad…and puts it away.  Then he runs water on a washcloth and wipes down the brush.  Sets it on the far right side of the sink - farthest from the toilet and washes his hands.

A long time seems to have passed when Levi comes out again.  Mariana’s at the table, and there’s an empty place next to her.  Levi approaches.  

“Here.  Sit,” she encourages.

“Got it,” he says softly.

“Thank you,” Mariana nods.  

For a while, Levi just looks at the food.  Eventually, he takes the salsa and pours a bunch.  Mariana nudges the taco chips closer, and he hesitantly takes one and dips it.

He keeps his eyes down.  Hopes nobody talks to him.  But he doesn’t think he can deal if everybody ignores him either.  Jeez, he’s so high maintenance.  

“Dude, that salsa’s so good,” Jesus encourages.  Levi knows without glancing up that he’s talking to him.

He takes a bite.  The spice is strong.  It does taste great.  Makes him feel sharper.  “Mmm,” he confirms.

“Guys, this one time?  We were eating this same thing at our house? And I opened up the salsa?  And Mama was like, freaking out and took it away from me.  I was gonna just have it.  But Mama noticed?  There was  _mold_  growing…” Fran shares.

Levi glances up at her.  A smile twitches across his face, because she seems so exhilarated and repulsed, both.

“Did that ever happen to you guys?” Francesca asks the table at large.

Mariana speaks up, surprising Levi. “Yeah, I mean…lots of stuff spoiled at Ana’s…”

“Nobody was there to warn us not to eat it either…” Jesus comments, matter of fact.  “I’d take moldy food over no food, though.”

“Didn’t the little grey balls feel gross in your mouth?!” Francesca asks, somehow horrified and still smiling.

“Ew. Okay, can we not talk about mold, please?” Pearl asks, blanching.

“Who’s Ana?” Levi wonders, taking a handful of chips this time and making sure to get a ton of salsa.

“Mmm.  Birth mom.  Mine and Jesus’s,” Mariana fills in.

“They’re all the way adopted.  I’m just halfway adopted,” Francesca fills in.  She’s rolling a soft shell that has only sour cream and shredded cheese.  Levi’s kinda jealous.  It looks good.

Levi’s fingers itch to grab a soft shell, but he doesn’t want to seem rude.  He glances at Pearl.  He wonders if she talked to Carla.  Wonders how it went.

“Penicillin’s made from mold,” Dominique volunteers absently.  Levi wonders if anyone else catches on to the fact that she’s still on the last conversation topic.

“Well, I didn’t want any medicine in my salsa, thank you very much,” Francesca responds.

“Something look good?” Mariana whispers.  

She follows his gaze to Francesca’s plate where she’s folded her cheese and sour cream taco and is taking a big bite.  She pulls the soft shells, cheese and sour cream around him.  Nods.

Hesitantly, he starts picking out a shell.  Then spreading sour cream.  Then adding a giant mound of cheese.

“Hey!  You’re copying me!” Francesca notices, indignant.

“Yeah.  Is that okay?” Levi asks.

“It’s a compliment,” Pearl fills in.  “It means he likes what you’re eating and thinks it’s a good idea.”

Francesca takes a big bite and nods.  “It is good,” she adds with her mouth full.  Nobody reprimands her.

Even though Levi’s keeping up his trend of eating absolutely nothing of nutritional value, the taco is good.  It feels good to eat something.  To be wanted somewhere.

He wishes he could stay here.

“You can,” Jesus says, and Levi blinks.  

“What?”

“You can stay here.”

Oh crap.  Did he say that out loud?  He ducks his head.  Can feel himself blushing to the roots of his hair.

“Seriously.  Nobody’s staying on the second floor.  There’s a couple rooms up there.  You could take your pick.  Pearl, too, if you want,” Jesus encourages.

“I like my own space,” Pearl demures politely.

Levi glances at her.

“But it’s fine if you want to stay.  I can bring you stuff if you want.  A bag?”

“Thanks,” Levi nods.

He lets out a breath, feeling - finally - like he can breathe.


	22. Chapter 22

When Levi’s done with his soft shell taco and tons of chips and salsa, he nods at Dominique.  

She watches him, guarded.

The thought slides through his head too quickly to censor: Does she hate him now that she knows the truth?

“Wanna go talk?” he asks, even so.  In case the thought is wrong. In case the voice in his head is trauma, like they talk about so much.

“Hey, Francesca?” Dominique calls.  “Can you do me and Levi a huge favor?”

“Sure,” Francesca bounds over, smiling.  “What?”

“You know how you like to play spies?” Dominique asks conspiratorially.  (Even Levi’s picked up on Francesca’s love of skulking and noticing things and people.)

“Yeah,” Francesca nods.

“Can you stick your head out the front door and look around?” Dominique asks.

“What am I looking for?” Francesca asks, walking to the door already.

“Just…tell us if you see any people.”

Levi’s catching onto what Dominique’s up to.  Watching Francesca secretively creep up to the door and glance around is kinda awesome.  It lets Levi get a little more specific.

“Any women?” he asks, swallowing.

Francesca looks and looks.  Then, she goes to the patio door and scopes out that way, too.

“No people.  No women.  It’s like we’re the only people here.  Okay?”

“Yeah, thank you so much.  That really helps,” Dominique says.  “Levi and I are gonna talk outside for a bit.  Are you good with Jesus, Mariana and Pearl?”

“Jesus and me went out on the dock earlier.  He found me an embarrassing life jacket to wear.  So I was safe.  It’s nice out there.”

“I’m glad you were safe,” Dominique tells her.  

Francesca leans into Dominique.  Dominique puts an arm around her shoulders.  Easily.  So easily it makes Levi ache.  How many times had his dad done that exact thing with him?

“Can I come sometime?  I mean, now that I have an ugly life jacket?” Francesca asks.

“Sure, we can go down together sometime.  You wanna help Jesus figure out what snacks to have tonight when we all talk?”

“Ooh are we doing Feelings again?” Francesca wonders.

“I’d assume so.  Have you heard otherwise?” Dominique asks.

“Nope.  Okay, I’ll be on snack duty with Jesus,” Francesca decides and goes to the kitchen to sidle up to Mariana at the counter.

–

Despite Francesca’s thorough check of the area, Dominique is still tense when they’re outside.  She cranes her neck around, trying to see 360 degrees.  It’s impossible.  And that’s maddening.

At least Levi seems equally watchful.  He squints at every car on the road, his breath catching every so often.  He pulls the hood on Jesus’s sweatshirt up.  Tucks his hands in the front pocket.

Dominique gets him trying to disguise himself on a soul level.  Wishes she were also in a costume, even though she’s not the one Pearl’s mom will recognize.  Even though walking around in a costume might draw that woman’s eye more surely than going without one.

They opt for the big white dock chair, because of its high back.  Anyone walking at a distance would not necessarily know they were out here.  Yes, their legs and feet showed, but other than that?  The chair hid them.

“Do you hate me now?” Levi asks, looking out at the lake.  His voice is quiet.  Matter of fact.

His question shocks her.  “No.  I don’t.”

“You just…didn’t seem like you wanted to talk to me…” Levi ventures.

“I did.  I do.  I just…was kinda freaked out…to come outside…” Dominique admits.

“Why?” he asks, measured.  Still not looking at her.

Dominique feels torn.  Literally like she’s being ripped apart.  Because she can’t talk about Levi’s stuff with anybody else, out of respect for him.  And she doesn’t feel like she can share with him that she and Jesus saw the person who violated him.  That she had been lurking.  Just like he probably feared.

“Listen.  I know you’re not okay.  And I get that I’m younger.  And I’m messed up, especially today…but…you can talk to me.”

“I can’t,” she denies, her own voice strained.  “Not about this.”

“Why not?” he asks.

“Because I don’t hate you, I wanna protect you, Levi.  And telling you this?  It’d make you feel really unprotected.”

“Are you gonna tell me and then run away?” he checks.

She glances at him.  A surprised laugh bubbles out of her.  “No.  What kind of question is that?”

“Well, that’s the only way I’d feel totally unprotected,” he points out.

She takes a shaky breath.  “After you went up to the loft?  After Jesus and I came back with Dudley and knocked, and…”

“…Scared ten years off me…” Levi fills in rueful.

“Right.  Well, we went back outside to hang out.  At the Avoidance picnic table?  And…Pearl’s mom…”  Dominique trails off and glances at Levi.  

He’s sitting totally still taking in the water.  Not reacting.  Barely moving.  

“She was there,” Dominique blurts.  “She tried to talk to us.  Said who she was.”  She’s got to be careful here.  Levi doesn’t know Jesus has a recognizable face.  Probably because he was in preschool when everything first happened and living in another state.

Levi swallows.  “What did you do?  You didn’t…say anything to her, did you?  Did she, like, talk about me?  Why did she come over?”  His questions come out in a hollow kind of rush.

Dominique wants to reach out and cover his hand with hers.  To reassure him.  But she remembers how he backed off when she tried to come toward him this morning.  Doesn’t want to scare him.  “Okay.  Slow down.  I didn’t do anything.  I just said we had to go in, and we did.  I didn’t say anything about you.  She didn’t talk about you.  Pearl had spoken to her, I think, and I think she saw Pearl go into this cabin.  Maybe she was hoping to catch Pearl again?”

“Hmm.” Levi murmurs.

“You okay?” she asks.

He turns to look at her.  Smiles in the way he did this morning.  Full of so much fear that it looks like it breaks his face.  “Nope,” he says.  His voice is thick.  Like he’s swallowing glass.  Or tears.  “It’s so creepy…” Levi manages.

“Right?” Dominique asks.

“You really just stood up and walked away from her?” he checks.

“I wanted to jump across the table and grab her by the throat, but I held back…” Dominique shares.

“Oh,” Levi blinks.  “You don’t think I’m making it up?  ‘Cause she’s like really nice to everybody who isn’t me….”

“It’s been a while,” Dominique starts carefully.  “Since I’ve been around a person like her….but I do remember.  I remember that they’re often very charming.  They’re often all about looking good.  About  _appearing_  good.  But when it comes down to it?  They have no respect for boundaries.  When it comes down to it?  They don’t see us as people.”

Dominique can see Levi thinking.  Tries to ignore it.  Tries not to obsess about conclusions he may or may not be drawing right now about her.

He clears his throat.  “Is that why…you’re so freaked out right now?  Was it really about being out here?  Or was it about running into her?”

“Both,” Dominique nods.

“Is that why you believe me?” he asks, sounding scared.

“I’m gonna need more words in that sentence,” she chides gently.

“I told you I wouldn’t.  I promised.  Because I don’t wanna make you feel used.  Like you owe me anything.  Even an explanation.”

“You can finish your question,” she encourages, breathing slowly.

“Is that why you believe me…because it happened to you?  And because you know what she is?  Like…what kind of person?”

“Maybe,” Dominique allows, cryptic.  It’s as close as she can come to telling him the truth.  Because the whole truth might be too much.

“I’m sorry you had to see her,” he apologizes.

“It’s not your fault,” she answers, in the same voice she uses as a hospital receptionist.  Professional.  A little distant.  “I’m glad I did, actually,” she says, the training falling away from her tone infinitesimally.

Levi turns to her, squinting.

“I’d always rather know the truth about people.  It’s better than being surprised.”

“God, that’s true…” Levi breathes.  “Now that you know the truth about me…are you…  I mean…”  He glances away.  Seems anxious.

“Breathe,” Dominique cues, soft.  “I’m not going anywhere.  There’s no rush.”

When he speaks again, after about five deep breaths, his voice is shaky.  “I just…  You’re the only one who’s ever known….maybe…what this is like?  How it feels?  I don’t know if I could bear it…if we weren’t friends anymore.  Because you know the truth about me…and maybe…maybe you don’t like it…”

Dominique’s mouth drops open.  “Levi.  Of course I don’t like it.  It was an act of violence.  I don’t like that you were hurt.  I don’t like that you weren’t protected.  Because you should have been.  But…I don’t hate  _you_  because of what was done to you.  I hate  _her_  because she did it.”

“I just…feel disgusting…like, all the time…” he confesses.  “Like, there’s something about me that made her hate me.  Made her choose me.  Made her…” Levi shrugs, still not looking at her.  “Is that…I mean…is it common?”

“I’m not the expert here,” she begins.  “But I can tell you, it makes sense to me.”

“If you don’t wanna be friends with a disgusting person, you don’t have to…” Levi sighs.

“I want to be friends with you.  And you are not disgusting.  She is.”

“It’s gonna destroy Pearl.  If she knows this about her mom…” Levi nods.

“It’s your choice, who you tell.  How much you say.  But in my experience?  People are stronger than we realize.  And it is possible that Pearl is.  And all due respect to your sis, but this is not about her.  It’s about you.  Do you want to tell her?  Do you need to?  Do you feel comfortable?”

“I do want to.  I do need to.  But I don’t feel comfortable.  She doesn’t know this about me, but I know some of what she’s already dealing with.  I don’t wanna add more to that.”

“You need things to be just so, huh?  So they don’t explode…” Dominique ventures.

“Maybe…” Levi allows.

“Look, I’m not judging.  I do a fair amount of that myself.  I’m just saying, from experience, it takes a lot of energy…and you’re already using a lot just trying to deal…”

“What are you suggesting?” he asks the lake.

“I’m not suggesting anything.  Just an observation.”

They’re silent.  For a minute.  Two.  Three.

“I have to go back to work tomorrow,” he sighs.  “If I keep missing like this, I’m gonna get fired…and all the cashiers…especially Gladys - that’s her best friend - talk about her all the time.  I’m always afraid I’ll see her.  She comes in a lot.  Not through my lane, usually, but like, she makes eye contact.”

“What time’s your shift tomorrow?”

“Like 9 AM.  Til 1:00.  Why?”

“‘Cause…I can come.  We need groceries anyway.  Let me know when you’re on breaks or whatever.  We can hang out.”

“No.  No, no, no.  That’s…  You don’t have to do that.  It’s not why I said it.  I didn’t mean for you to drop everything for me…” Levi’s desperate.  Almost frantic in the way Francesca can be.  (In the way Dominique, herself, can be.  She recognizes this.)

“Everything, what?  Levi, I literally have nothing going on.  I can see if Francesca wants to come, too.  We can hang out.  She likes the grocery store.”

“Not enough to spend four hours there, come on,” Levi begs.

“Levi.  If guilt didn’t exist, would you want me to go with you tomorrow?”

“Yes,” he says.  No hesitation.  No pause.  Nothing.

“Then I wanna be there.  Please let me,” Dominique says.  “You matter to me.  I wanna protect you.  Always.”

“At least tomorrow?” Levi asks.

“Exactly,” Dominique nods.  “Do you know anywhere that has kids life jackets?  All Jesus found here is an ugly one.”

“I’m sure we could find one,” Levi nods.  He stands up.  Stretches.  “So…I kinda feel like Dock Talks should count as feelings or processing or whatever…”

“Who says it doesn’t?” Dominique asks, standing, too.

“So, do we have to go do it all again inside?” he asks.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do.  Ever.  When you’re with us, that’s not a thing.”

“It’s like living in a bubble…” Levi observes, walking side by side with her.  “Where the rest of the world exists…but it can’t touch you.  That’s how it is being friends with you guys.”

“Nice bubble, though, right?” Dominique presses, smiling.

“The best, yeah. The best I’ve ever lived in,” he pauses, scanning for Pearl’s mom.  “The only…but the best.”

He exhales.  Dominique does, too.

They walk inside together.


	23. Chapter 23

Pearl walks in behind Levi and Dominique - overnight bag in hand.  “Here.  I didn’t know how much you’d want, but I packed you a set of regular clothes, your uniform, toothbrush.  If I forgot anything, let me know.  I can go back for it.”

“Thanks,” he says, nodding.

They sit down at the table.  There’s a giant bowl of popcorn that doesn’t look microwaved.  It makes Pearl’s mouth water.  

“I picked popcorn for snacks!” Francesca announces.  “And root beer floats.”

“Francesca, I like your choices,” Pearl says, winking.  

She tries to wink back.  Ends up blinking both eyes hard.  Pearl stifles her laugh.

“So…I think we need to talk safety,” Jesus starts out.

“I thought we were talking feelings,” Francesca objects around a mouthful of popcorn.

“We are.  But basic needs come first, right?” he asks.

Francesca shrugs.  Pearl listens, intrigued.

“So, first…Levi.  We’re glad to have you.  This isn’t a comment on that.  Or on you.  But since you don’t usually share space with us overnight, we thought we should talk about some stuff.  Some boundaries.”

“Okay…” Levi hesitates.  “I mean, I don’t have to stay the night.  It’s no big deal.”

“Levi,” Francesca pipes up.  “Did you hear when Jesus said we’re glad to have you?  That means we don’t want you go leave.  We want you to stay.”

He nods.

“First boundary, which you’ve probably seen…is that we don’t touch each other without asking first, and hearing yes.”

“No hugs from behind…” Dominique offers.

“Yeah.  I agree on that.  Anybody else agree on that?” Jesus asks.

Mariana and Francesca’s hands raise.  Pearl feels out of place.  She wonders if Levi does as well.  

“Levi, what do you think?” Mariana asks.  “Do hugs from behind feel safe?”

He shakes his head.

“Pearl?”

“No one hugs me.”  The answer’s out there before she can stop it.  “And I’m not staying tonight.  So I shouldn’t sound off on this.”

“You’re here now,” Mariana presses.

“If it matters…I’m not big on surprises…so no.”  Cleo licks her face.  She wishes dog kisses left her with the same wanted, affirmed feelings hugs did.  And that hugs didn’t also bring with them an intrinsic terror.

“It does matter,” Jesus nods.  “Next major boundary is doors.  We don’t open a closed door - especially bathroom or bedroom - without knocking first and hearing “Come in.”

“Yeah.  If you don’t hear ‘come in,’ don’t ‘come in.’” Francesca adds.

“Also, food,” Mariana adds, nodding at Jesus knowingly.  

“Right.”  He nods back.  “So, the food in the kitchen is for everybody.  But if you see any food anywhere else?  Like in a backpack or luggage?  Or just sitting out in another room?  That means it belongs to someone.  And please don’t eat it.  Or throw it away.”

“Okay…” Levi says.  “So, basically don’t touch anybody or go in rooms, or touch people’s stuff without asking.  Respect people and their stuff.  Right?”

“Yeah, but it’s important for me to be really obvious about it,” Jesus says.

“So, what if we don’t say anything?  If you knock and ask to come in but we don’t answer.  Will you, still?” Levi asks.

“No.” Jesus answers, serious.  Everyone else echoes him.

“Can we….add one?” Dominique asks, quiet.  

“Yeah,” Jesus nods.  He looks around to see everyone else nodding, too.  Pearl notices Levi with his head ducked.  She hands him Cleo to hold for a while.

“Can we say…no going in bedrooms at all?  That aren’t ours?  Just so there’s…I don’t know…no…expectation of anything…”

Pearl can see Dominique’s pulse in her throat.  Wonders if she’s okay.

“Expectation of what?” Francesca asks.

Dominique tries to speak, but she just ends up taking deep breaths.  They sound labored.  Like she might start crying.

“Can I ask Dominique if she wants to pet Cleo?” Levi asks.

“Sure,” Pearl nods.  She watches him whisper to her.  Pass the pug gently.  Pearl notices Dominique’s hands and how they shake.

“Sometimes, at night, trauma gets stronger,” Jesus explains, once Dominique seems more calm, cuddling Cleo.  Cleo licks her face.  “It can make us feel like we’re back where there were no boundaries.  Where people treated us like things, not people.  Hurt us.  Came into our space when we didn’t say yes.”

“So it’s safer if just the people you expect are there.  Is that why it’s expectations?  Or is it like Mama’s rules?  And she calls them expectations?” Francesca wonders, trying to work this all through.

Pearl’s head spins a little.  She’s aware of Mariana offering a bottle of water to Dominique.  Aware of Dominique ignoring it.

“You know how like, when Moms or random people treat you like a baby?” Mariana comments to Francesca gently.  “And they feel like anything you do is a big deal?”

Francesca bristles.  Nods.

“You know the feeling how you kinda always expect everyone to treat you like that?  Because it feels so normal?  For you to…I don’t know…not have respect?”

Francesca nods again.

“That’s an expectation you have.  You  _expect_  people to treat you bad.  Because you were treated bad before.” Mariana explains.

“So, you have an expectation that we’re gonna treat you bad…because it’s night when you’re trauma gets stronger?” Francesca asks Dominique.  “That’s why you need nobody coming in each other’s rooms at night to be a thing?”

“Kinda.  Yeah,” Dominique nods.

“Does the living room and our fort count?” Francesca asks.  “As a room nobody can go in at night?”

“I think…” Jesus ventures.  “How about we say that when the fort’s up, no one comes in?  Does that sound reasonable?”

“And we could just, like, go to the kitchen if anybody else needed to talk to us at night.  Because the kitchen’s a common room.  But when our fort’s up, it’s not a common room anymore.  It’s private,” Francesca reasons.

“Right,” Jesus nods.  “Dominique, does that work?”

“Do you guys mean it?” she asks Cleo.  

“Yes, we mean it.” Jesus says.  He nods at Levi.

“I mean it, too.  I won’t come into anybody’s room at night - or when the fort’s up…” he ventures, crinkling his brow, confused.

“That means you don’t have to worry about your space being invaded either,” Pearl reassures him.  No one will bug you.  You can sleep.”

Levi shrugs off her words.

“Dominique?  Do you feel comfortable with that?” Jesus presses.

“I guess.”

–

“What’s up?  You wanna share anything?  A feeling?” Jesus asks.

“Not really…” Dominique admits.  “I feel nothing.”

Jesus is pretty sure what Dominique is feeling is actually dissociated, but he won’t push her.  “Anybody wanna go over the basics?”

“Oh!  Me!” Francesca waves her hand in the air.  “You are a human and you have rights.  Like to be safe and to have boundaries.  You have the right to be respected.  You have the right to accommodations.  You have the right to be seen.  And you are.”

“Hey…Francesca…I know it’s not easy for you?  But can we go slower?  My trauma’s pretty strong.  It’s fighting off your words.  They’re not getting the chance to sink in…” Dominique explains, regretful.

“So, first?” Jesus prompts.  “What was the first thing?  Just one?”

“You are a human?” Francesca asks.

“Is that a question?” Dominique asks.  “Or are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Tell me…about humanness,” Dominique manages, her voice heavy.

“Human means….you are a person.” Francesca begins.

–

Levi is fascinated by what’s happening right now.  Usually, when he spaces out he has no idea any time passes.  But it seems like Dominique can still talk and be aware.  

He’s never been around people who take all this time to talk about the little things.  Who are so thorough.

“Human means…you’re not a thing.  People hurt things sometimes.  Break things.  Because things don’t have any feelings.  But humans do.  Humans don’t hurt humans,” Francesca explains, super patient.

“But they  _can_ …” Dominique objects.

“Yeah.  When they think you’re a thing.  But we know you’re not.  Humans respect each other.”

“ _What_  about respect?” Dominique asks, as if she hasn’t heard correctly.

“Respect is when you treat people like humans.  Listening to them.  Not hurting them.  Not crossing their boundaries.”

“Why, though?” Dominique presses.

“Because we’re friends.” Francesca says, matter of fact.

“So, if we weren’t friends, you wouldn’t respect me?” Dominique asks.

Francesca’s mouth opens and closes.  “No.  I mean…  I  _would_.  Most people are good, Dominique.”

Levi watches as Dominique’s eyes flicker.  He wonders what changed.  If anything did.

“I’m your backup.  Remember how I called for backup at your house for your birthday with me and you and Mariana and Jesus?”

Imperceptibly, Dominique nods.

“Backup means help.  All of us are here for backup.  For protecting you.  For safety.”

Levi just makes out Mariana whispering to Francesca, “Ask what she needs right now?  To feel safe?”

“What do you need to feel safe right now, Dominique?”

There’s a pause.  For a while, Levi’s convinced she might not give an answer.  But then, there one is:

“Keep using my name?” Dominique whispers.

“Okay.  Dominique,” Francesca says.  They’re looking right at each other.  Dominique’s eyes are wide with fear.  Francesca’s are confused.  Concerned.

“You guys.  Should we take some deep breaths?” Mariana wonders.

“Do you want to do that with me?” Francesca asks.  “Take a deep breath to calm down?”

Dominique nods.

“Yes?” Francesca checks.

“Mm-hmm.  Yes,” Dominique manages, breathless.

Levi stares as Francesca, Dominique, Mariana and Jesus all breathe slow and deep.  Pearl seems like she’s holding her breath.  

Levi’s feeling pretty terrible.  Dominique said it out on the dock.  She’s freaked out that she saw Pearl’s mom.  Because she knew what happened to Levi.  And stuff probably happened to Dominique, too.  And it had been a while since she’d been around those people.

“Dominique?” Levi asks, soft.  “We’re safe here.”

“Yeah.  What if somebody’s mad, though…” she worries.

“I worry about that, too,” he shares.  “But Francesca said, we don’t hurt each other in this friendship.  We don’t hurt each other at all.  No one’s mad.”  He looks around at the other faces.  “Are you?”

All around them, voices say no.

“I’m sorry…if my trauma…like woke up yours…  I didn’t mean for you to be scared, too.” Levi apologizes.

“You didn’t do it on purpose.  Scare me, right?”

“No, I didn’t.  It was an accident,” Levi reassures.

“Have some root beer float?” Jesus asks.

Dominique manages a tiny sip, just by leaning over.  Taking the straw between her teeth.  Francesca’s out of her chair.  Standing by Dominique.  She leans over.  Whispers to her.

–

Francesca notices things.  Even little things she’s not supposed to.  Like the way Cleo’s not in Dominique’s lap anymore and she’s clenching her fists too hard.

“Hold my hands?” Francesca whispers, for privacy.

When Dominique stretches out her fingers, Francesca can see her hands shaking.  She takes them gently.  Turns them over.  She can see little half-circle indents from her nails.  Francesca puts her hands in Dominique’s.  Says the same words Dominique said to her:

“Squeeze as hard as you want.”  She says it quiet.  Because sometimes not everybody wants their business or accommodationing talked about in front of people.

Dominique really does squeeze hard.  But Francesca likes the pressure.

After a while, Francesca notices Dominique’s eyes look like they’re focused.  Like she’s back from wherever her trauma made her go.

“Hug?” Francesca asks.  

Dominique nods, blinking back tears and swallowing.

“Yes?” Francesca asks.  She’s so good at checking for consent, from all the years living with Jesus.

Dominique says “yes” but only her lips move, no sound comes out.

But Francesca doesn’t make her talk.  Sometimes people can’t.  And that’s okay.  Francesca lets go of Dominique’s hands.  Wraps her arms around.  Holds tight.

“You’re my best friend, Dominique.” Francesca says, swallowing her own tears.  Dominique’s crying and Dominique never cries.

She hugs Francesca even tighter.  Francesca’s pretty sure that means, “You’re mine, too.”

They stay like that a long time.  Nobody teases.  Nobody gets impatient or mean.  Nobody says they shouldn’t be doing that.  Or that they should both be done crying.  Nobody tells Francesca she should be strong for Dominique when she starts crying, too.  

Francesca can just feel them there.  Them and all their love just coming at them, bam, bam, bam.  But gentle.  Like stars.  Like waves.

She loves the feeling that she can give back.  That she can be there for her friends.  That they need her, too, sometimes.

“I’m protecting you,” Francesca whispers.

“Thank you,” Dominique says back, so quiet, Francesca almost misses it.

Almost, but not quite.

Because Francesca’s a great listener.


	24. Chapter 24

“Are you okay to keep going, Dominique?” Jesus asks once hers and Francesca’s tears have subsided.

“Are y’all okay to keep seeing me?” she challenges, raw.

“We are, yeah.” Jesus confirms.

“You know what?  No.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I shouldn’t have relied on you like that, Francesca.  You’re just a kid, it’s too much pressure.”

“It’s not,” Francesca denies, wiping her eyes.  “I wanted to be there, Dominique, nobody made me.  This is the only place where I’m not treated differently because of CP or because I’m the youngest.  It’s the only place I’m treated the same.  Please don’t take that away.”

Jesus is surprised by Francesca’s honesty.  Her vulnerability - and, no denying it - her desperation to be treated equally by them.  He all but holds his breath to see what Dominique will say.

“I just don’t wanna mess up,” Dominique breathes, still shaky.

“But we  _can_  mess up here,” Pearl offers, her tone warm.  

“But I’m saying it’s terrifying.   _I’m_   terrified,” Dominique manages.

Jesus is so proud of her he could just about burst, but he dials back his enthusiasm, so he doesn’t freak her out anymore.  “It’s hard.  It’s a risk,” he offers.  “Being vulnerable.  But not in a dangerous way.  It feels dangerous because of trauma.  But it’s safe to feel stuff with us.”

Dominique sniffles.

“Francesca was safe being there for you.  She was your backup.  But while she was yours, all four of us?  We were backing up both of you.  We were supporting her.  She wasn’t alone, Dominique.  Neither are you.” Jesus tries to explain.

“This sucks,” she complains, laughing through her tears.  “Oh my God, I just wanna go hide out somewhere until this trip is over…  This is so embarrassing…”

“I think it’s actually really brave,” Levi offers.  “Feelings…I…like, seriously hate them.  I’m book-smart like Pearl but emotionally, I feel….”

Jesus braces himself.  Just like that, he hears it in the back of his head: this sound like audio from a movie: Him smashing Jesus’s finger and telling Jesus he’s not so smart.  Jesus, screaming, and confirming it for him.  It’s one of his main fears now - to be seen as stupid again.

“Unprepared?” Pearl suggests.  “I know that I feel that way.  Like there’s just this sea of feelings I’m swimming through and they’re all just there, but I have a hard time figuring out what I feel.”

“My feelings are there…but they’re kind of…dull?” Mariana shares.  Like, they’re trapped under layers of cotton.  So…whatever I feel is like…far away?  I feel a little, where…most people feel a lot.”

“But you cry,” Francesca points out.  “Especially when we watch  _Frozen_ together.”

“Because Elsa’s kind of like me,” Mariana shares.  “All her feelings are trapped inside and she can’t feel them.  It makes it hard for her to connect with people…because they don’t understand her.  Or they think she’s being mean.”

“But she’s not,” Francesca objects.  “They just don’t know everything about her.  That she’s trying really hard not to hurt her sister.”

Jesus listens carefully.  It’s not easy for Mariana to articulate her thoughts or feelings anymore.  So any chance he has to know how it is for her matters to him.

“So, Mariana’s like Elsa.” Francesca says.  “Can we take turns saying which Disney princess we all are? ‘Cause maybe that’s easier to say than feelings.”

“Ooh, that’s a good idea…” Pearl nods.

“But Mariana, were you done talking?  I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Francesca apologizes.

“Yeah, I’m done.  Thank you, though.  Francesca, which Disney princess are you?”

“Ariel,” she says, shy.  “But only when she has a tail.  Not later.”

“Why not later?” Pearl asks.

“Mmm…  Because…  I want to change myself like her…but I can’t.  When she becomes a human, she’s not like me anymore.”

“But you  _are_  a human…” Dominique reassures quietly.

“But I can’t walk like all of you guys…” Francesca observes.  “And I have actual bad dreams about getting lost.  About Ursula the Sea Witch chasing me to steal my voice.”

“That’s true,” Dominique nods permission for Francesca to sit with her on her lap.  “But you know…if you were born without CP?  Chances are, we wouldn’t all have the chance to know you.  And I think you’re pretty great.  Including CP.”

“Okay,” Francesca comments quietly.  “Dominique, which princess are you?”

“Tiana.  Before she’s a frog.”

“Ooh, isn’t that one of your costumes?” Francesca asks.

“Mm-hmm.”

“Why, Tiana?’ Levi asks.

“Because…she got me through a hard time.  The music.  That she was a hard worker.  That she couldn’t just magically wish her way through hard times.  She had to do the work.  That felt real to me.” Dominique shares.  She seems steadier now.

“I never knew that,” Jesus comments, smiling.

“Who would you be?” Dominique asks Jesus, rerouting any attention he’s put on her.

“Mariana’s gonna like this answer, maybe, but I think, Belle.”

Jesus glances at her and she does smile.  “Mari liked Belle so much as a kid.  She wore this costume dress to school every day.  Right?”

“Yeah, until I fell and it ripped.  Everybody laughed except this one girl,” Mariana remembers.  “I know why  _I_  liked Belle, but why do  _you_?” she asks.

“I don’t,” Jesus admits.  “But I relate to her.  She got kidnapped, like I did,” Jesus keeps eye contact with Levi as he speaks.  “And…she had to trick the bad guy into thinking she was happy, in order to eventually get away.  I relate to her until then.  But only until then.  Because I’d never go back.”

Francesca’s wide eyed, like Jesus has just revealed something major that she didn’t know.

“What?” he asks.

“Belle got kidnapped like you?” she asks, a little afraid.  “I thought she was saving her dad…”

“She was.  But a good guy would’ve let them both go.  A good guy wouldn’t have captured them in the first place.” Jesus reasons.

“I always thought she loved The Beast for real…” Francesca muses, still shaken.

“Well, I think Belle was really good at pretending.”

“Were you?” Francesca asks.  “Did you have to do things to pretend like Belle?”

Jesus nods.  “Yeah, I got really good at pretending, too.”

There’s silence as everybody thinks about whatever Jesus getting real about his abduction makes them think about.  

–

Levi wonders if he and Pearl will be included in this Disney thing.  He’s pretty obsessed with Disney and it would be a big letdown if they didn’t wanna include him in this.  But Jesus said they wanted him here.

Eventually, Pearl offers her take, without being asked.

“Pretty sure I’d be  _Tangled_ …” she ventures.

“I think you mean Rapunzel,” Levi corrects, smiling gently.

“Yeah.  The one with all the hair, who’s trapped in the tower and can’t escape.”

“But Rapunzel couldn’t get out.  Because of  _Motherrrr_  Knows Best!” Francesca sings.

It brings a smile to almost everyone’s face.  But it chills Levi.  He sits still.

“But you  _can_  get out,” Francesca observes.  “Like…it’s not like you’re locked up in a tower with no way down…”

“But sometimes, my fear does that.  It locks me inside.  Makes me scared to go out.  Scared I might run into my own Mother Gothel out in the world.”

“Did she cut your hair?” Francesca asks, scared.

“No,” Pearl says.  “The person who hurt me…they did a lot of things, but they didn’t do that.”

“Because if they did, maybe you wouldn’t have power anymore.  But you still do.” Francesca observes.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe that…Mother Gothel tried all these ways…to hurt you.  Scare you.  Keep you small.  But she didn’t know where you’re real power was.  So she couldn’t take it.  You still have it,” Levi explains.  “She can take a lot away, but not that.  Is that kinda what you meant?”

Francesca scrunches up her face.  “In fifth grade words…but yeah.  You explained better, though.  Which Disney princess would you be?  Moana?” Francesca asks Levi.

“Actually, I don’t think mine is a princess.  She’s a goddess.  But she is from  _Moana_ …” Levi shares.  He clears his throat.  “I would be Te Fiti and Te Ka,” he confesses.

“You’d be human Hawaii?!” Pearl asks.  

“She’s not human Hawaii.  She’s the goddess of life.  She loves nature and wants things to grow.  But - assuming you didn’t watch the movie - if you’re calling her human Hawaii - something bad happens to Te Fiti.  It changes her.  Makes her angry all the time.  She sends lava and destruction everywhere.”

“But that’s not like you,” Pearl objects, worried.  “You’re good.  You haven’t destroyed anything.”

“Give me time…” Levi says gently. offering a shaky smile that barely masks his pain.

“Levi…” Pearl says, as he gets up to walk away from the table.  He can hear her chair scrape back.  Can hear her following him up to the loft.

She catches his arm once there, and he turns on her.  Jerking away.  Eyes burning.

“Levi…” Pearl begs.  “What happened today?  Will you please talk to me?  Please?  I’m your sister and I love you.”

“You don’t _know me_. Pearl!  Not really!  You know the idea of me.  You don’t know the rest.  You don’t know….who stole my heart…” he manages.  (He can’t say her mom raped him.  Sexually assaulted.  Whatever.  He can’t say it.)

“This is about…  Were you in  _love_?” Pearl asks, perplexed.

(Okay, she really didn’t watch the movie, did she?)  

“No.  Pearl.  Te Fiti’s heart - her actual  _heart from her body_  - gets stolen away from her.  She’s not the same anymore, Pearl.  She’s changed.  Who she is…on a base level.  She’s not that anymore.  She’s this…scary demon who destroys stuff.  Because of what happened to her.”

“So somebody took something away from you…that you can’t get back.  And you feel changed,” Pearl reviews slowly.

“I  _am_  changed,” Levi tips his chin, defiant.  “I’m not the polite kid you thought you invited to live with you.  I’m the rude jerk you think I am.  Okay?  You should be glad to be rid of me.”

“Levi, I am never glad to be rid of you.  I lived seventeen years without you.  That’s way too long.  Whether you’re acting like the goddess of life or the scary demon, you are my goddess of life.  You are  _my…scary demon_ …okay?  You’re my  _brother_.”

“You don’t have to.  You don’t have to say all this.  I know I just…showed up out of nowhere.  Disrupted your life.”  Levi feels heavy all over.  He’s looking away from her, arms crossed.

“Can I hug you?” Pearl asks.

“I’ll just burn you…” he chokes out.  Feeling fiery.

“I’ll take my chances,” Pearl says, stoic.  But she waits until he drops his arms.  Until he nods.  

Then, Pearl closes the distance between them.  Wraps him up in her arms.

Though she’s normally a huge talker, tonight, she’s not.  Tonight, she just holds onto him.  For a long time.  Until he steps away, wiping his eyes.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.  Just know…I relate to what you’re saying.  Having something stolen.  Something happening to you that’s wholly transformative?  I get that.  Just, please don’t shut me out, Levi.”

Pearl saying this reminds him of Anna’s words to Elsa in  _Frozen_.  Of Francesca’s words about Elsa.  And her words mean Levi has words of his own to use right now.

“It’s like Francesca said about Elsa earlier…” Levi ventures stiffly.

Pearl’s brow furrows.  

“You don’t know everything.  Just your side of everything.  I’m…trying not to hurt you…”

“But Levi, you don’t have to do that.” Pearl insists.  “I’m the big sister.   _I_ protect  _you_ , okay, not vice versa.”

“Francesca protected Dominique tonight,” he points out.  “Age is just a number…”

Pearl shivers.

“Please…just believe me.  Just…hear me.”

“I don’t know everything, and you’re trying to protect me?” Pearl asks.

Levi nods.

“How do you want me to respond?” she asks.

“Trust me that I know myself.  Trust my judgment about this.  You don’t wanna know this, Pearl.  You really don’t…”

“Okay,” Pearl nods, blinking back tears.  “If you need something tomorrow, will you call?  Or tonight?”

“It’s okay?” he asks, incredulous.  “I basically just told you off…”

“I think what you just did is called boundaries, according to the Feelings Laundry Crew…” Pearl observes, glancing down over the railing.  Francesca waves.

“Don’t call them that.  It’s so embarrassing,” Levi laughs a little, in spite of himself.  

“Okay.  I trust you.  If you can, try to trust me back?  Call me?  Otherwise I’ll come back tomorrow sometime.  Are you going into work?”

“Yes, or else I’m gonna get fired…” Levi shares.  “But I think Dominique and Francesca might go with.”

“Oh, nice.  Backup,” Pearl grins.

Levi wonders what other things the two of them will pick up from The Avoiders in the coming days?  Before they have to leave and everything goes back to the way it was.

He watches Pearl walk away, and swallows.  Levi kinda can’t bear the thought of being without this support system.  So he pushes it out of his mind.  Sits down on the floor where he can see everything.

He watches through the railing.  Waits.


	25. Chapter 25

After Pearl leaves, Levi gets the sense that it’s time for bed.  At least, for Francesca.  Mariana looks wiped, too.  Levi, though, is wide awake.

He’s not sure if the no going into other people’s rooms starts now, but he’d rather be careful, just in case.  But that means, he’s basically trapped up here on the second floor of the cabin.  For the first few minutes, he goes through the overnight bag Pearl left.

Clothes and his stuff from her bathroom sink.  No headphones.  No laptop.  Awesome.  How is he going to pass the endless hours now?

He’s not ready to go in any bedroom.  He went into the bathroom to change into sleep stuff, but puts his own hoodie on over his tee shirt.  (At least this tee is clean.)  He folds up Jesus’s sweatshirt neatly.  He knows Francesca’s going to sleep in the living room and doesn’t want to go around turning on lights and disturbing people.

Levi goes back to his bag Pearl packed.  To all his hygiene stuff in a SuperOne bag.  He empties it.  Ties Jesus’s sweatshirt inside.  Drops it over the railing.  It lands on the kitchen floor.  Just like he hopes, Jesus comes out to investigate.  Finds the bag.

“Your sweatshirt,” Levi calls softly.

“Oh, thanks.” Jesus calls back.  “You still got Grandpa’s slippers on?”

“Jesus…” Francesca whines.  “Stop yelling to people.  Just go talk.”

“Sorry, buddy.” Jesus apologizes to Francesca.  “Can I come up?” he asks Levi.  “Hang out in the loft?”

“Sure,” Levi nods.

“Can I come?” Dominique asks, appearing in the kitchen, ready for bed too, in full sweats and a pair of teal shoes that Levi really wants.

Levi nods.

“Hold up,” Jesus says at the foot of the stairs.  “Boundaries.  Dominique, are you okay with this?  You get that we’re not making you come up here?”

“I do, yeah.  If I could…sit close to the stairs.  Maybe on them?”

“Yeah,” Levi and Jesus agree.

Jesus actually waits until all three of them are asked point blank and say yes they want to come up to the loft before he and Dominique make any move to come upstairs.  They even ask Levi.  Even wait for him to say yes.

But finally, they’re all together.  Dudley’s here, too, of course.  Jesus picks the chair.  Dominique sits on the stairs.  Levi sits on the floor, with his back to the wall so he can see the whole cabin.

“Pearl forgot my headphones…” Levi says regretfully.

“Bummer,” Jesus comments quietly.

“I didn’t think to ask her for them.  Or my laptop.  So…basically I’m gonna be bored out of my mind all night.”

“With us, though.  ‘Cause I know I’m not sleeping tonight.  I don’t wanna risk sleepwalking next door again…” Dominique admits.

“Yeah, I had a really hard time falling asleep here the first time I came.  I didn’t feel comfortable in any of the bedrooms.  So I slept under the kitchen table.  Hung blankets around it.  Mom freaked out.”

Levi swallows.  “What did she do?”

“Just…she was afraid of what the neighbors would think.  I  mean, they’ve got trauma, too, from what happened to me.  But it’s also mixed with…this massive concern for looking put together?”

“It sounds, from what you’ve said,” Levi starts out hesitantly, “like this whole first trip up here was ridiculously hard for you.  I guess…what makes this different?  Why would you wanna come back?”

Jesus scratches Dudley’s head.  “Being able to come on our own terms helped a ton.  Having as much time as we needed to plan.  And not having my moms around has been a big part of it.”  He pauses.  “It’s not that I’m not grateful for everything they’ve done, especially the first few years after I got home…but…I don’t know…over the years stuff happened.  They stopped going to therapy.  Almost divorced.  It’s like…I can really see them now…and they’re not…who I thought.”

“You said that you’ve been hurt,” Levi remembers.  “I mean, you don’t have to answer…but did they ever?”

“Nothing like what happened to me when I was gone.  But their…I guess their dismissing my trauma when it wasn’t convenient for them?  Their not being as thorough as I needed them to be?  Those things have been really damaging.”

“Have your parents hurt you, Dominique?” Levi asks.  “You don’t have to answer.”

“My parents…” she muses, a small smile on her face.  “I lucked out as far as parents.  My mom is everything.  I miss her so much.  And my dad’s…he’s high strung, so that can be hard.  But he respects me.  My need for space.  He doesn’t make my stuff about him.  You know?”

“My dad didn’t even know about my stuff,” Levi confides.  “Mom doesn’t either.  I guess I always felt scared they wouldn’t believe me?  Or I’d be in trouble?  Like, blamed for what I did that made what happened happen…”

“Levi…” Jesus starts.  “Whatever you did?  It’s not a reason for anybody to hurt you.”

“Adults can, though.  They’re allowed,” he reasons.

“Yeah, they can,” Dominique echoes.  “But it shouldn’t be that way.  No adult should have put their hands on you.  No matter what you did.”

“But I was a guest…” Levi protests weakly.  He goes quiet, thinking.  “I haven’t really been a guest in someone’s home for a while.  Not without my parents there, too.  Not by myself.  I guess I’m freaked out?  Like, what if I do something wrong?  Will it be the same?  I know, it’s stupid…”

“It’s not,” Jesus shakes his head.  “That makes a lot of sense.  I know last time I came up here?  And I kept having to go to Pearl’s to escape Moms.  I struggled being a guest there, too.  You live in someone else’s space long enough…someone with a temper…and you get used to walking on eggshells…”

“Yeah,” Levi nods.

“But you can feel at home here.” Jesus encourages.

“What if there’s a mess?  Will you guys be mad?” he checks.

“Well, I personally don’t handle messes well.  I feel like I have to clean them up immediately.  And I can go kinda overboard,” he shares.

“Oh, I do that,” Levi nods.

“But nobody would hurt you over it, Levi,” Dominique says.

“Oh…” Levi blinks.  “It’s so weird how you talk everything through.  Ask before you touch each other.  Or come in each other’s space.  I’ve never seen that.  Never experienced it before now.”

“I think it’s important for those of us who have experienced not having our boundaries respected, to be explicit about respecting them with each other.” Jesus observes.

Levi remembers a similar comment being made with all of them together in the kitchen.  “So…it’s for me, too?”

“It’s for all of us, Levi.  Because, like you’ve heard…all of us have had things happen to us that we’re not okay with.” Dominique confirms.

“Yeah, but mine shouldn’t count, right?  Not if I buried it for almost a decade,” Levi shrugs.  “If it wasn’t even a big enough deal to tell my parents….I don’t know…like…why should I get the benefit of boundaries?”

“Because every human being deserves to have their boundaries respected.  They’re not a benefit or a privilege, Levi.  They’re your right,” Jesus points out.

“I don’t know…” he shrugs, focused on the floor.  “Maybe I really did deserve it, and you guys are just being nice to me.  Because I’m Pearl’s…whatever…”

“Can I come sit across from you?” Dominique asks.

“I don’t care,” Levi sighs.  It’s like she’s not even listening.  She keeps putting boundaries out there like he should just get to have them.  When experience has proven altogether different.

“Then I’m gonna stay where I am,” Dominique says.  “Because you have the right to your own space.”

“I don’t.  Just come over.  Whatever.  It’s not a big deal.”

“Levi,” Jesus says.  “You seem triggered.”

“So what?” Levi scrubs his hands over his face.  “It’s not like it’s anything new.”

“Can you slow down?” Jesus asks.  

Levi tries but it’s like his brain is one of those racecars on a track that loops every which way and never stops.  He can’t slow down.  He shakes his head a little.

Jesus coaches him through some deep breaths.  Through describing the plaid pattern of his grandpa’s slippers in excruciatingly boring detail.  Levi really doesn’t get the point of any of this.  There’s quiet a long time, and eventually Levi’s thoughts start to slow down.

“Boundaries can feel scary if you’re not used to them,” Dominique offers.

“It’s not that…” Levi says, hoarse.  “It’s…  So, I was supposed to have boundaries this whole time?”

“What do you mean?” Dominique asks.

“Like, when I was little, I was supposed to have boundaries.”

“When you were little, you  _did_  have boundaries,” Jesus challenges gently.

“No, but like, I was  _supposed_  to have them and I  _didn’t_.” Levi counters, upset.

“Levi,” Dominique says, pausing for a long time after she says his name.  “You…were supposed to have your boundaries  _respected_ …and they weren’t.  That’s not on you.  Does that make sense?”

He tries to pause.  To make himself listen.  To really see if it does make sense.  Finally, he nods.  “But I’m saying…like..” he swallows back tears.  “I was supposed to…”

“You were supposed to?” Dominique echoes.

“Have them,” Levi manages.

“Have what?” Dominique asks, patient.

“The things.  Whatever,” Levi exclaims.

“You’re safe here with us, Levi.  Breathe,” Jesus cues.

Levi draws a breath.  Blows it out like he’s been shown.  He does it a few more times, because Jesus keeps nodding.

“What you have to say?  It matters to me.  I’m asking you questions?  Clarifying what you mean?  Because I care about what you say,” Dominique explains.  “I’m not trying to frustrate you.  We do have time.”

Levi nods.

“Do you wanna keep going?” she asks.  

“I was supposed to have…boundaries…” he manages.

“You were supposed to have boundaries,” Dominique repeats.

“Even as a kid?” he asks, double checking.

“Boundaries are always a thing,” Jesus says.  “From the time Frankie was really little?  I was in a lot of therapy then.  So I was learning about consent every single day.  About respect.  About body language.  So, from the time she was 18, 19, 20 months old?  I was asking her before I picked her up.”

“You let her have rights?” Levi’s incredulous.

“Even babies are human beings, Levi.  I didn’t  _let her_  have rights.  I was respecting the rights she already had.”

“One-year-olds can’t talk…” Levi protests.

“She’d nod.  Shake her head.  She could do some baby signs.  More and please.  Stuff like that.” Jesus explains.

“So…if she shook her head, you just…wouldn’t pick her up?”

“Right.”

“So, by the time she was eight.  You’d have definitely been respecting her boundaries?”

“The whole time,” Jesus confirms.

“What if she did something really bad?  Rude?  Are you guys saying…that even then…adults like…should respect her boundaries and not punish her?” Levi asks.

“Do you mean hurt?” Jesus asks.  

Levi nods.  His mouth is dry.

“Consequences are meant to teach a kid something.  Losing a privilege.  That kind of thing.  Hurting a kid because they were rude?  That’s never okay.  That would cross Francesca’s boundaries.  Mariana and I have been adults since Francesca was six.  Just because we were, didn’t give us the power to hurt her if she stepped out of line.” Jesus explains.

“I was supposed to have that,” Levi says, empty.  “That’s what you’re saying.  I was supposed to have that, and I didn’t.”

“You were, yes,” Dominique confirms.

“So, I didn’t have that.” Levi looks up at her.  Tears in his eyes.

“I know.  I’m so sorry about that,”  Dominique says.

“What does it mean that I didn’t have that?” Levi asks, voice heavy with unshed tears.

“It means…you were around an unsafe person,” Dominique explains, regretful.  “But unsafe people can be tricky.  They don’t come out and say they’re unsafe.  They pretend to be nice.  To earn your trust.  And the trust of people around you.”

“I liked her cookies…” Levi admitted.

“It’s okay to like her cookies,” Dominique reassures.  “Even awful people can bake.”

“My dad left me there with her…” Levi manages.  “And for a long time…I’ve thought…maybe he’d agree with her?  Because I got mud literally everywhere in her house.  Carpet.  Linoleum.  Me.  Dad said before he left, ‘Listen to her.  Be on your best behavior.’  But I wasn’t.  I messed up.”

“You were eight,” Jesus pointed out.  “At that age, we mess up a lot.”

“I tracked a bunch of mud in your house last night,” Dominique points out.  “That was pretty rude.  But your first instinct wasn’t to hurt me, was it?”

“No.  It was to make sure you were okay,” Levi reasons.

“Right.  So, you tracking mud in the house?  That’s kid stuff.  If this woman’s a mother, she ought to know that much.  And she ought to know that messes can be cleaned up.”

“Levi…did Pearl’s mom…?”  Jesus asks, his eyes dark.  “I mean, is that who…?  You mentioned earlier that she stopped by your cabin.  That she was why you were upset.  She’s… _she_  hurt you?”

Silently, Levi nods.  He doesn’t look at Jesus.  “Are you gonna tell Pearl?”

“No.  This is yours to tell her or not.” Jesus promises.  “I’m so sorry she hurt you, man…”

“That’s it?  You just believe me?  You’re not gonna tell her everything?” Levi’s incredulous.

“Your privacy is important,” Jesus says.  “Your privacy is a boundary.  You can get used to us respecting yours.”

“All of them?” Levi wonders.

“Every single one,” Dominique nods, eyes shining.


	26. Chapter 26

It’s weird having people who are so patient with him.  Who are willing to deal with his feelings struggles.  His trouble making himself understood, especially if the pressure is on.  Levi isn’t used to this.

“You guys should probably sleep.  I’m used to no sleep at night…”

“And you think  _we_  aren’t?” Dominique asks back.  “I sleep about three hours a night.”

“And I’m up about every hour.  I probably average about the same,” Jesus adds.

“Still maybe  we should call it a night at like, 2:00 or something.”  Levi checks his phone.  “That gives us 2 hours.”

“We don’t have to stick to a schedule on this,” Dominique says.  “There’s time.  There’s not a limit on us being there for you.”

“Yeah…it’s just…a schedule makes me feel better, I guess?” Levi ventures.

“I totally get that, yeah.” Jesus agrees.  “But like, nothing’s counting down, right?  We’re not under threat?”

“What do you mean?” Levi asks, glancing around, worried.

“I’m clarifying.  I’m asking.  For reassurance.  You know?” Jesus asks.  “I’m saying, can you, like, not set your timer or an alarm?”

“Okay.  I won’t,” Levi agrees.

“Jesus?  Levi?  Nobody’s under threat right now.  We’re all safe.  Jesus, you locked all the doors, double checked the windows, everything.  So we’re good.  There’s no timer counting down.  Levi’s just saying he likes knowing what to expect.  Like all of us.”

“Right,” Jesus breathes out.

“Sorry I don’t know how to do that yet…” Levi apologizes.  “Reassure?  Be rational?”

Dominique smiles a little.  “Oh, I can’t do it all the time.  Do y’all remember what a mess I was earlier?  Not in the place to reassure anybody…”

“But Francesca could,” Jesus reminds her.  “You weren’t alone.  Just like we aren’t right now.  We all have each other.”

“Can I, like, ask questions?” Levi wonders.

“Please,” Dominique encourages.

“We dig questions,” Jesus nods.

“‘Cause you guys seem to be experts, and I’m kinda just learning this…”

“This?” Dominique asks.

“Yeah.  Trauma stuff,” Levi specifies.

“General questions,” Jesus allows.  “I’m thinking getting into a ton more detail personally is probably not a great idea this late at night.   _You’re_ welcome to, I just know myself.”

“Yeah, Dominique and I talked before.  I know not to ask personal trauma questions,” Levi says.  “I won’t.  To either of you.”

“Thank you,” Dominique says.  Jesus nods.

“I guess…I just…need to know.  Again.  Like, you guys don’t really know details about what happened to me.  But it felt like…bad?  I guess, I’m just…expecting people to tell me it’s not…that.”

“You can use the words,” Jesus encourages.  “If you have them.”

“You can be specific.  As long as we know you’re talking about your own experience,” Dominique adds.

“I don’t know them?” Levi admits, hesitantly.  “Or maybe I don’t wanna say?”

“But you have an idea about what you think happened to you,” Dominique reviews.  “And you’re worried that people will dismiss it?  Minimize it?”

“Yeah.  Say, ‘Well, you should’ve listened. You shouldn’t have gotten mud all over.  It wasn’t really what you think it is.  Stop being dramatic…’” Levi narrates.

“That sounds a lot like…something she might say to you….” Dominique observes.  “ _Did_  she?”

“She didn’t really say anything to me… She just ordered me around…” Levi comments, quiet.

“I think Dominique might be saying…sometimes the people who hurt us…they take over as the voices in our heads?  Like our own inner voice doesn’t really sound like us anymore.  It sounds like the people who did the bad things.”  Jesus offers.

“Yeah, it is kinda like that, I guess?” Levi agrees.

“You might not wanna hear this?  ‘Cause it’s Mom-related…” Dominique ventures.  “But  _my_  mom, so…”

“And Jaimie’s the kind of mom everybody should have,” Jesus reassures.

“You can tell me,” Levi nods.  “I don’t have a problem with every mom.  Just…” he nods.

“So…my mom told me once…that it makes sense that somewhere in us?  We might wanna keep what happened to us small.  Because it’s so big it’s hard to deal with it.  And we were young. You were eight, Jesus was nine, I was eleven.  That’s too young to know what the hell to do with big stuff like this.  With violation like this.”

“So, it’s okay?” Levi asks.

“Whatever you feel is, yeah,” Dominique encourages.

“Can I ask about words?” Levi hesitates.

“What about words?”  Dominique asks.

“What to call it?  What do you guys call it?” Levi wonders.  “I feel like I need options.”

“Well, you can call it whatever you need to call it,” Dominique reassures.  “There’s no right or wrong.”

“But there is,” Levi insists.  “I have all these…strong words for it in my head.  But what comes out are weak ones.  I want words to match how strong it was.”

“Ah,” Jesus nods.  “You know, when it was happening to me I didn’t know the word  for it either. So I gave it my own name.  It was years before I learned the word  _rape_ …”

“Yeah, I’m worried people will say it’s not that ‘cause she’s a woman.  And a woman can’t do that to anybody.  Did you guys…like…was it only men?” Levi asks.

They nod.

“Do you think it doesn’t count ‘cause she’s a woman?” Levi asks.

“Rape isn’t about sex,” Dominique explains.  “It’s about power.  It absolutely counts.  Just ‘cause she’s a woman doesn’t give her a free pass….”

“Why do I feel like it does?” Levi wonders.

“Because of the messages we hear about sexual assault.  We hear about college guys, creepy old dudes, you know? No one talks about how women can rape.  How little girls can sexually abuse other little girls, too.  We only hear about the men.  But they’re not the only ones who do it.” Dominique reassures.

“So can we switch lanes?” Levi asks.

“Sure.”  Jesus and Dominique agree.

“So…do you guys have any sleep advice?” Levi wonders.  “And sorry if this is too many questions.  “I just…I don’t wanna feel like a zombie at work tomorrow…”

“You still want Fran and me to come with you?” Dominique asks.

“Wait, _you’re_  going?” Jesus asks.

“Well, I haven’t asked Francesca yet, but I thought about doing some grocery shopping.  And then, maybe Levi and I could find her a good life jacket.  She’ll need one for home, right?”

“Yeah, that’s true…” Jesus nods.

“Yeah, you guys can come if you want.  I leave at about a quarter to.” Levi says.

“Sleep tips…ummm…I marathon Netflix…” Dominique offers.

“That’s not sleeping,” Jesus points out.

“Yeah, because I can’t,” Dominique shoots back.

“Mariana’s got this Sleep lotion.  And an oil.” Jesus points out.  “Did she bring it, Dom?”

“Yeah, it’s on her bedside table in the bedroom.  I haven’t tried it.  She’s offered, but…  I guess I should’ve taken her up on it…” Dominique muses.  Levi’s pretty sure she’s thinking about sleepwalking last night.

“Maybe tomorrow, we can ask her about sharing,” Jesus offers.  “But I’m gonna head down.  I’m getting tired, and I get a little out of it when I’m tired.  Night.  Come on, Dudley.”

Levi watches Jesus disappear down the stairs.  He looks at Dominique.  

“One mention of Mari’s Sleep lotion…” she scoffs.  “Wish that was all it took for me to get tired.”

“I know, right?” Levi says, smiling.  He sobers quickly.  “Uh, I know you may not be the one to ask…”

Dominique cocks her head.

“‘Cause it’s not your cabin…but do you think it’s cool if I shower tomorrow morning?  Especially if I’m going in to work…I don’t wanna be…like this.”

“I think it’s fine if you shower here.  Nobody will bother you.  There’s the bathroom downstairs we use.  Plus the one in Mari’s and my room.  So, the only time Jesus or I might come up to use this one is if both of the others are occupied.  But if that happens we’ll knock.” Dominique reassures.

“Can I lock the door?  Is that rude?” Levi asks, clearing his throat.  “It’s just…the bathroom’s kinda…the scene of the crime for me so…if I’m the only one in there, that’s better…” Levi rambles.

“You can lock the door.  It’s not rude at all, it’s a boundary.  And it is your right as a human to have all your boundaries respected.” Dominique insists.  “But…can I ask you something?”  She’s timid now.  “It’s not about your…trauma.”

“Okay,” Levi nods.

“So, I have this really embarrassing habit of running worst case scenarios in my mind whenever I make plans.” Dominique divulges.

“Okay…I’m not sure I follow…” Levi admits.

“Like, exploding everything in my mind?” Dominique offers.  “Worst possible outcome.”

“Like thinking Pearl was gonna slam the door in my face when I came and told her we were related?” Levi asks.

“Yeah, pretty much.  So I was wondering…could you maybe…” Dominique bites her lip.  “It’s so ridiculous.”

“Oh my God, no it isn’t…” Levi insists gently.

“You don’t even know what it is…”

“But if you have an idea how I can help, I wanna know it,” Levi insists.

Dominique stands.  Walks over.  Grabs a stack of green Post-Its and a pen.  Hands them to him.  “Can you write what’s true for me about tomorrow.  Like, say it’s okay for me to come, if it is?  That we’re still friends, if we are?”  She’s so tentative.

Levi meets her gaze, feeling so wholly seen and understood.  “Will you do it back?  Like, the same thing, but for me?”

“Really?  You don’t think it’s too much?”  Dominique asks, suspicious.

“No, because, like, what if you start to doubt yourself?  If we put it on paper like this?  It’s true.  Always.” Levi reasons.

“Okay, then,” Dominique nods.

Levi takes his time, writing out all the things he knows to be true.

_It’s OK for you and Francesca to come with me to work tomorrow if you want to.  We’re friends.  It’s OK for us to pick out a life jacket for her.  It’s OK to change your mind and not go, if you don’t feel safe or something._

Levi slides the pad over to Dominique for her to look over.  “Anything else I missed?” he asks.

“No, I don’t think so…” Dominique tells him after glancing at the page.

“Can you put on mine that it’s not too much for you to come and be my backup?  Like, that you’re doing it ‘cause you want to?   _If_  you want to?” Levi questions.

He tries not to stare as she writes.  And when she’s done, she slides the Post-Its back to him.  The pen after it.

He reads:

_I want to be there for you - to be your backup at work.  It’s not too much to ask. You needing protection from her is legitimate.  We can meet up on your break & have lunch if you want to.  We are friends and friends protect each other._

“Good?” she asks.

“I think so, yeah,” he nods.  “So, this means, if we’re in doubt about anything for tomorrow, we have the code to diffuse the bomb,” Levi holds up the paper.

“So, no explosions….” Dominique confirms.

“No explosions.” Levi nods.

Dominique eventually starts nodding off on the stairs and Levi knows even though it’s only 1:15 AM she needs to get her sleep.

“Hey,” he says softly after a long silence.  

Dominique jerks upright.  The green Post-It is clutched in her hand.

“I can leave the light on up here so you can see your way to your room,” he offers quietly.

“Yeah.  You gonna be okay?” she asks.

He shows her his own green piece of paper.  “I have instructions, too.  To diffuse the bomb.”

“Perfect.  Okay, so 8:45?” she asks.

“Yeah.  Leaving by,” he confirms.  “Thank you so much.”

“I can’t hug right now.  Sorry.” she apologizes, her voice is heavy.

“Yeah, me neither,” he agrees.  “But our souls touched….” God, Levi’s extra ridiculous tonight.  “So maybe that counts.”

Dominique blinks.  “I’d say so,” she nods.  “Refer to the instructions,” she calls softly.  “When in doubt.”

“Right.  Refer to the instructions.  I got this…” Levi mutters under his breath.

As promised, he keeps the light on until Dominique is in her room with the door closed.  Then Levi turns on the light in the bedroom he was in earlier.  Turns out the light in the loft.  

Closes the door.  Locks it.  Leans against it.  Reads his note from Dominique until the letters blur.

Lets himself fall apart.  

Softly.


	27. Chapter 27

A miracle happened, and somehow, Dominique was able to sleep last night - for almost six hours.  For most people, this would not be sufficient in any way.  Certainly not for Mariana, who’s asleep in the exact same position Dominique found her in last night.

Dominique showers.  Makes sure to do her lotioning.  Then, she walks around outside, testing out different spots where she might get a cell signal.  She’s watchful.  Not forgetting Pearl’s mom and her habit of lurking around.  Finally, she finds service. She’s able to check the texts she’s had.  One from Lena takes a long time loading.

Lena usually helps with things like shopping.  She’s the closest person Dominique has to a counselor.  Before she left, Lena had passed along her number.  Said Dominique should text if she needed anything.

When her message finishes loading, Dominique can see it’s a picture of Freddie, looking out the window.  He’s white with gray ears and seeing him is making Dominique miss Roberta terribly.  It has her completely missing out on the time difference and texting Mom at 5-something AM, California time, with a request that could definitely have waited.

_Dominique:_

_Lena keeps sending me adorable cat selfies of Freddie.  Can I have one of Roberta?  I miss her.  And I miss you.  Wish you came :(_

In seconds, her phone pings with a text:

_Mom:_

_Morning, babe.  Look who’s sitting on me…_

She attaches a pic of Roberta’s giant face, yellow eyes glowing in the morning darkness.

_Dominique:_

_OMG it’s like 5:21 AM.  I’m so sorry.  I didn’t think about the time difference._

_Mom:_

_Babe, it’s okay.  I always wanna hear from my girl.  You’re up early.  Before 7:30?  What’s happening there?_

_Dominique:_

_Going into town with Francesca (if she wants) and Levi (new friend) to do some grocery shopping._

_Mom:_

_You thinking about texting Lena?  Just in case you need backup?_

_Dominique:_

_Yeah, but I should wait some.  She wouldn’t wanna be woken up now._

_Mom:_

_If you need her, text her.  Or if you need me.  Or Dad.  (Dad’s off today.)_

_Dominique:_

_Lots of triggers so far :/_

_Mom:_

_Sorry, Dom :(  That sucks.  Need to talk?_

_Dominique:_

_Can’t, really, without compromising privacy.  But I should go.  Finish getting ready.  Wake Francesca._

_Mom:_

_Let me know how it goes.  Love you, babe._

_Dominique:_

_Love you, Mom.  Thanks for not being mad I woke you._

_Mom:_

_You can always wake me._

It takes all Dominique’s self control to shut her phone off.  Moving it out of her line of vision, she finds herself staring at Mariana’s shoes.  She can’t very well wear them into town.

Sure, Mariana has been fine with Dominique keeping them on for the last day or so, when she’s been mostly in the cabin.  But it would be unaccountably rude to wear someone else’s shoes into town leaving them with Dominique’s own crappy, muddy ones.

She takes her own off the back step.  They’re okay.  She tried to wipe them down with a wet cloth and leave them to dry in the sun.  But they could probably use another round of cleaning.  Dominique wets another dish cloth and wipes down her shoes again.  Better.  She slips off Mariana’s teal shoes and slides her feet in her old Nikes.

“Hey, Francesca?” Dominique calls softly.  “I’m going to SuperOne with Levi in a bit.  You wanna come?”

A groan sounds from the fort in the living room.  Dudley sticks his head out.  Then, Francesca, blinking tiredly.

“Good morning,” she greets, rubbing her eyes.  “What did you say?”

“I said, Levi’s gotta go to work at the grocery store in about an hour.  I was planning to go, too, and shop.  Do you wanna come?  Levi mentioned after he was done working, we could go to a different store and find you a good life jacket.  What do you think?”

“Ooh.” Francesca says, crawling out of the fort.  “I wanna go.  Yes, yes, yes.  Is there enough time for me to get ready?”

“It’s 7:30.  Levi has to leave at 8:45.  Come have some breakfast and then you can dress and brush your teeth.”

Jesus doesn’t show any sign of waking up.  Mariana’s still asleep too, so they try to keep their voices down.  The shower goes on upstairs.  

“You guys thought of me?” Francesca asks, around a bite of Frosted Mini Wheats.

“Of course we thought of you, babe.  You’re one of us.”

“Are you feeling better?” Francesca asks carefully.  “From being scared last night?”

“I am.  Thanks for asking,” Dominique nods.  She tries to eat, but never has much of an appetite in the morning.

She coaxes Francesca through finishing breakfast, promising they’ll have plenty of time to talk later.  Then, sends her off to get dressed.

“Where, though?  I usually get dressed in your guys’ bathroom.  My toothbrush is in there.”

“You can still.  Find what you wanna wear, and the bathroom light’s on.” Dominique says.

Finally, Francesca has her clothes and has disappeared into the bathroom off of Dominique and Mariana’s room.

It’s 8:20 before Francesca comes out of the bathroom.  Her hair’s wet.

“You took a shower?” Dominique asks.  

“Yeah.  Can you do my hair?” Francesca wonders.

“Um…yeah…let’s see…” Dominique’s glancing around.  She does her own hair so she should be able to do Francesca’s.  They’ve got 25 minutes.  It turns out, that’s just enough time for Dominique to French braid Francesca’s hair into pigtails.

By the time Francesca’s putting her shoes on, Levi’s coming downstairs, keys in hand.  “Ready?”

“I’m trying…” Francesca insists.  She seems to be having a tough time tying her shoes in a rush.  Keeps messing up.

“Can I help?” Levi asks.  

Francesca nods.

Easily, Levi gets down and ties her shoes.  “There you go.”

“Lock the door,” Jesus calls.

“We will.” Dominique reassures.

She makes sure she is the last one out and double checks that the handle won’t turn.  It doesn’t.  She gets in Levi’s car, and tosses him a S’mores granola bar.

“What’s this?” he asks.

“Breakfast,” Dominique explains.

“You aren’t allergic to S’mores are you?” Francesca asks from the back seat.

“No,” Levi answers, scanning the road in front of him.  He’s tense.

“Listen,” Dominique says quietly.  “We’ll be there the whole time.  We’ll do some grocery shopping and then we’ll make sure to come through your lane.  Right?” she pitches her voice so Francesca can hear.

“Yeah, I really wanna come through your lane, Levi…  I never knew a real cashier before…”

He smiles a little.  “Now you do.”

“Yup.  Can we really get a life jacket later?  Like a real one that’s a good color?”

“We can.  It might be a bit of a drive, but Target has some.  I think if we stopped off at DQ first, that’d make the trip better.”

“What’s DQ?” Francesca asks.

“Dairy Queen?” Levi asks, incredulous.  “You know…ice cream?”

“Ooh.” Francesca says, excited.  “I  _do_  know ice cream.  This is gonna be the best.”

They walk Levi in, and he says “See ya.”  Just like that, Dominique and Francesca are on their own.  Now that they’re in town, she has cell service.  So she texts Lena that she’s shopping on vacation.  7 AM in California’s not as bad as 4:45 AM.

Dominique also takes time to Google how much youth life jackets are.  $40.  Well, that definitely puts a dent in the grocery money.  And also ice cream money.  She tries to think of anything they really need.

“Can I push the cart?” Francesca asks.

“Sure.  We’re gonna be here a while.  So if you ever need to stop and sit down, just let me know.”

“Okay,” Francesca nods.  “Can we get Mountain Dew?”

“I don’t think there’s money in the budget for Mountain Dew.  Anything you can think of that we’re really low on?  Like bread or milk?  Anything like that?”

“Frosted Mini Wheats,” Francesca says.  “And bread.  Just the butts were left.  OMG does that mean we get to go to the bread section?  I love the bread section…”

Dominique smiles.

They pick up cereal and bread and are ambling down the aisle.  Dominique checks her phone.  9:45 AM.  They have to find a way to pass 3 more hours.  “Okay, we need to shop way slower, babe.”

“Like this?”  Francesca does a comical super slow reach toward an item on a shelf.  “I’m……………….shopping………………..sloth…………….speed….” Francesca intones in a funny voice.

“Yeah, we need to get this bread and cereal on sloth speed, that’s for sure…”

They sit on a bench in sight of Lane 4, where Levi’s working.  Francesca waves.  Dominique checks her phone.  Lena texts to ask how shopping was going.

“You wanna send a video with me to my friend, Lena?  She asked how shopping was going?”

“Okay,” Francesca agrees.

“Hey, Lena.  Shopping’s fine.  We’re just trying to find a way to stretch out our shopping trip a bit longer–”

“–So, we’re shopping like sloths!” Francesca puts in.  “Hi.  This is Francesca.  I’m Dominique’s friend,” she giggles.

Dominique laughs too, and cuts the video, sending it to Lena.

They get up and walk through the fresh produce.  She has to discourage Francesca from touching everything.  She satisfies her curiosity by asking Dominique a billion questions about coconuts, why the potatoes looked like that, and what was the green thing?

“Shopping with you is way better than shopping with my mom.”  Francesca confides.  By now, she’s let Dominique have a turn pushing the cart.  Francesca walks alongside Dominique and puts an arm around her waist.

“I like shopping with you, too.  I’ll never set you up to fail, okay?”  Dominique reassures.  “I’ll answer all your questions.  I won’t get impatient.”

“You’re so nice.” Francesca insists, snuggling closer.  

“Can you check my phone and tell me what time it is?” Dominique asks.

“It is….11:15,” Francesca reports.

“Almost 2 hours left.  Gotta keep shopping like sloths…” Dominique confirms.

Francesca bursts out laughing.  Dominique almost loses her when she lets go of Dominique’s waist.  She turns and finds Francesca standing several feet back.

“Babe, what are you doing?” Dominique asks.

“Trying to guess your password,” Francesca admits, her cheeks flushing.  “I really wanna look up baby sloths…  There’s this one video, and it’s so cute.”

“Where’s your phone?” Dominique asks.

“I forgot it,” Francesca admits.  “And I keep forgetting to charge it, so it’s dead anyway….”

“Okay.  That’s okay.  But listen to me.  If you wanna watch something on my phone, that’s fine.  But ask me first.  I don’t feel comfortable with you trying to guess my password.”

“Sorry.”

“Thank you,” Dominique says.  “You wanna ask me anything?”

“Can I use your phone to look up a video of a baby sloth?” Francesca asks, back to hanging on her arm.  She looks up at Dominique with big brown eyes.  A look Dominique’s sure she’s perfected on her parents and all of her older sibs.

“Yes, you can,”  Dominique smiles and taps her four-digit code.  Hands the phone back.  “You don’t go on no YouTube adventures without letting me know first.  Got it?”

“But I can do sloths, right?” Francesca asks.  “Oh, look!  It’s so cute!  This one’s on a ginormous stuffed animal to make his muscles stronger for hanging upside down!”

They walk a little further.  Dominique can feel it when they start being followed.  She reaches out a hand.  Keeps Francesca close.  They walk on for several more minutes.  She can still feel them being tailed.

Francesca trips and drops her phone.  

“Oh no!”  Francesca insists.  “I’m sorry.”  She scrambles to pick it up.  “I’m sorry, baby sloth….  I didn’t mean to drop you on the ground.”

“You okay?” Dominique asks, offering a hand.  Her sixth sense is kicking in in a major way.  It reminds her of the way she used to feel when her invisible friend came around - not alone - watched.  Except this time, she feels in danger, as well.  She tries to keep breathing.  Steadies her hands to re-tie Francesca’s shoe.

She’s giving whoever’s following them plenty of chance to go around.  Keep working.  Keep shopping.  But Dominique can still feel eyes on her.

“Come on, babe.  Let’s go.”  

Chill bumps raise on the back of Dominique’s neck.  She feels the presence behind them.  Turns slowly.  Sees the face of a store employee dressed like Levi, but an old white dude.  His arms are crossed.  He doesn’t look happy.

“If you and your daughter aren’t buying anything, you need to leave,” he says.

Dominique projects a calm she doesn’t feel.  “We have a cart.  We have items in it.”

“You haven’t paid for them,” the employee insists.  “If you haven’t paid, you’re loitering.”

“Of course.  We have a few more things to buy.”  Dominique hates having to be demure and calm in the face of such ridiculous nonsense.  (How many people loiter in a grocery store?!  Try all of them.)

Francesca keeps glancing behind them, where the man is still following them.  “Why’s he mad at us?” she asks.

“Hush.  Best behavior, okay?  Like, if your principal was behind us right now,” Dominique tells Francesca lowly.

“That’s Mama.   _She’s_  my principal,” Francesca bristles.

“Okay.  So pretend it’s her.  No dirty looks.  No sarcasm.  No sudden moves.” Dominique says.

“What did we do?” Francesca worries, quiet.

“Nothing.  But he thinks we did.” she says.  “Quiet now, please.”

Francesca doesn’t say another word.  

They each keep one hand on the cart.  

They hold hands with the other.


	28. Chapter 28

Levi’s doing his best not to hyperly scan for Carla.  So far, she hasn’t shown up.  But he has seen people who look like her from a distance.  It’s enough to set his heart racing.

He’s planning to take his break at 11:30.  It’s just about then when he spots Dominique and Francesca behind one of his regulars - an elderly lady he loves - but who always wants quarters or dollars (depending) back for her smaller change.  It’s tedious.  But it makes her day, so Levi tries to be efficient.  Getting Betty what she needs and keeping the line moving.

Finally, the line is moving.  He gives Betty her change.  Checks out the grumpy guy behind Betty who’s bought out the snack cake aisle.  Then, Dominique and Francesca.  He waves.  Smiles.  But they’re both tense.  Dominique has sent Francesca ahead of her in line.

“What’s up?” Levi asks quietly.

“A store guy was following us…” Francesca warns.  “Dominique said I should go in front of her in case he’s still back there.”

Levi casually glances.  “Nope.  No store guy.”

“We didn’t break any rules,” Francesca insists as Dominique puts their bread, cereal and plastic container of donuts on the belt.

“I know,” Levi says, sympathetic.  “Listen, I’m about to take my break.  Wanna meet outside?  Maybe at the car?”

Dominique nods stiffly.  It’s not lost on Levi that she hasn’t said a word.  Just silently pays for the groceries.  She’s handing the money over when he catches sight of the tattoo on the inside of her wrist.  The date 4/26/11.  Almost ten years ago exactly.  He wonders what the significance is.

“We’ll meet you,” she says in a voice that’s eerily calm.  Her face is a practiced mask.  She smiles.  If he didn’t know her, he’d totally buy it.  “We’ll be out front.”

“Okay.”

–

Dominique’s not oblivious.  In fact, she’s the opposite.  She is painfully observant.  It’s why she noticed Levi noticing her tattoo, signifying her own baby’s approximated due date.  She’d had to wait until she was eighteen to get it - seven years after the fact.  But it was a small way to remember Taylor.

She swallows back the lump that’s risen to her throat.

“That guy called me your daughter…” Francesca points out, ogling the donuts in the bag.

Dominique blows out a breath.  “I know,” she says, forcing a smile.

“Did it hurt your feelings?  To have him say it?” Francesca wonders.

“Mm-mm,” Dominique denies.

“Then, why are you crying?” Francesca asks quietly.

Stunned, Dominique reaches up and touches her own face.  Feels her own tears there.  “It’s nothing,” she denies, smiling hard.

“Do you feel sad he said you had a kid like me?” Francesca asks bluntly.

“No, babe.  I don’t.  It’s not you, I promise.  It’s…I’m gonna tell you something that’s private.  Okay?  I had a baby once.  While it was still inside me, it died.  So, when he said  _daughter_ , I thought of her.”

“What’s her name?” Francesca asks.

“I like to keep that to myself.” Dominique insists, wiping her eyes.

She looks out at the parking lot, not forgetting to keep an eye out for Pearl’s mom.  Dominique sits still on the bench.  Francesca leans against her.

“I won’t ask her name anymore,” Francesca reassures.  “And I won’t share what you said with anybody.  I promise.  Not even Jesus or Mariana.”

“Thank you,” Dominique says, kissing her head.  “To be clear, though, I’d be lucky if my daughter had grown up to be anything like you.”

“Really?  You don’t think I’m not good enough because of CP?” Francesca asks.

“I think CP is part of what makes you good enough,” Dominique insists, kissing Francesca’s head.

“I really want a sloth,” Francesca sighs.  “Even a toy one or something.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause it’s slow like me,” Francesca says, matter-of-fact.

“Hmm.  Well, I will keep my eye out.”

By the time Levi’s outside Dominique’s tears are dry.  They walk across the parking lot to his car.

–

“I’m so sorry that guy followed you…” Levi apologizes.  “I tried to look into it, but I’m basically a peon, so…”

Francesca snickers.  “That sounds like a bad word…”

“It means, I don’t have much power,” Levi explains.  “It’s Spanish.”

“How are  _you_  doing?” Dominique asks.

“Well…I thought I saw my trauma once, from far away, but it wasn’t…” he shares.  Levi squints.  “Are  _you_  okay?” he asks Dominique.  “Your eyes are red…  Were you crying?”

“What if I was?” Dominique challenges.

“That’d be okay.  I’d wanna know if there was something I could do to help…” Levi ventures.

There’s silence until Francesca crinkles the SuperOne bag.  Levi looks in the rearview mirror.  Sees her stealthily sneaking a powdered sugar donut hole into her mouth.

He smiles.  “Can I have one?”

“Yeah, give Levi some.  It’s his lunch break,” Dominique says.

He accepts the plastic container and opens it.  Takes out a few.  Eats them.

“Does anybody want a piece of bread?  Francesca offers.  “Or some Frosted Mini Wheats?”

Dominique laughs.  “You are too much.  Levi, Francesca wants a sloth.  Did you know that?”

“I did not know that,” Levi answers.  It hasn’t escaped him that Dominique has dodged his question about helping…unless this is her answer.  Carrying on.  Not getting stuck in whatever happened.  He checks the clock on the dashboard.  “Listen, I gotta go back to work for another hour and fifteen.  He tosses the keys to Dominique.  “If you wanna drive around.”

“No, we’re staying…” Dominique insists.

“But the peon hates us…” Francesca points out.

“Hey!” Levi laughs.

“I meant the mean guy is the peon.  Because it sounds like  _pee on_ …” Francesca clarifies.

“Here.  Let me have your phone.  Can you keep it on you?” Dominique asks.

“On the DL…” Levi says, perplexed.

“Okay, so we’re in town.  That means I have service.  So we will text you.  Text me back if you need anything.”

“Can I have your phone?  I wanna add my number,” Francesca asks.

“Can you tell it to me fast?” Levi asks.

Francesca rattles off her number.  Then, Levi has to run to make it back to Lane 4 before he gets in major trouble.

–

The rest of his shift passes in a blur.  When he gets off at 1, he finds Dominique and Francesca still in the car out in the lot.  He checks his phone as he walks.  Finds silent videos of them smiling and waving.  Selfies.  And one text that reads:   _we are still out side love francesca_

“Thanks for these, guys,” Levi says, scooting into the driver’s side.

“No problem.” Francesca answers.

“Uh, are we still on for ice cream?  Somebody wants to know…” Dominique casts her gaze furtively behind them.

“Oh yeah.  Definitely still on for DQ.  It has food, too.  So we can pick up actual lunch.”

Honestly, all Levi wants is a large vanilla ice cream cone.  It’s simple, but it screams childhood to him.  And good memories.  They drive thru and Francesca gets a dilly bar.  Dominique gets a vanilla cone, too, but a small.  She offers money.  Levi notices how her hand trembles.

“I got it.  You got the groceries.  And we still have life jacket shopping.” Levi reassures.

“Are you sure?” Dominique checks.  “I don’t, like, owe you anything?”

“This is friendship stuff.  Debt doesn’t accumulate over friendship stuff,” Levi says simply.  Everybody gets their ice cream.  He pays. Then he tries to drive one-handed, while willing his ice cream not to melt all over him.

“This is a  _great_  lunch,” Francesca enthuses.

“Right?  Don’t tell your brother and sister,” Levi cautions, smiling.

“Except we don’t keep secrets.  Unless it’s like for respect.  Like if a person trusts you with their trauma stuff, you don’t go blab it.  But ice cream shouldn’t be a secret.” Francesca explains.

“I guess you’re right.  Tell them if you want,” Levi shrugs.  He can see Dominique passing napkins back to Francesca.

It’s a quiet ride out to Target in Baxter.  Levi pulls into the only open space he can see.  It’s a long way away from the door.

“Can I just stay in the car and wait?” Francesca asks.  Levi checks out the rearview mirror.  She’s half-lying on his backseat.

“What’s wrong, babe?” Dominique asks.

“Nothing, I just wanna stay here,” Francesca insists.

“You can tell us.  We won’t get mad.  I was really hoping to get you a life jacket you wanted.  Don’t you want that still?” Dominique checks.

“I do,” she sighs.  “But my legs are really tired,” she comments softly.

“You guys wait here,” Levi insists.  “I’ll be right back.”

–

“I don’t want a hospital wheelchair!” Francesca calls at Levi’s back.  She’s still lying down, practicing being a sloth.

“Hey,” Dominique reprimands.

“What?  I don’t.  They’re old.  And big.  And I can barely push them,” she complains.

“Okay, but don’t yell at Levi,” Dominique reasons.

“But I just did it ‘cause he was already far away…”

Just then, Levi’s back.  Francesca sits up.  He opens her door.  She looks out. Sees the thing.  For people with disabilities and also grandmas and grandpas that can’t walk long distances.

“That’s a Caroline’s Cart…” Francesca says, wary.

“Yeah, I was hoping it’d be free with how many people there are inside today.  Looks like we lucked out.”

“No,” Francesca denies.  

She sees Dominique look at her and cross her arms, like Francesca said something rude.  

“I mean, no thank you,” Francesca remembers.  “I’ll just wait for you guys out here.”

“Babe, we are not leaving you out here in the car alone.  Talk to us.” Dominique says, turned in her seat.  (Because Dominique probably knows if Moms ever found out Francesca got left in a car by herself, they’d get all angry about it.  And blame Francesca, probably.  Because that’s what always happens.)

“I can’t!  I can’t use that!  I’m not allowed!” Francesca screams, her voice breaking.  (She always talks too loud when she’s emotional.  It’s annoying but she can’t help it.)

“Who says?” Dominique asks, gentle.  Kind.  Her usual way, even though Francesca doesn’t deserve it.

“Moms…” Francesca pouts.  “They say I can walk, so it’s not for me.  I have to not use it so somebody else with a real disability will get to…”

“Babe, you  _have_  a real disability.  It means you get tired quicker because you use more energy for the same stuff we do.  Just because you  _can walk_  doesn’t mean you should exhaust yourself doing that, or wait in the car instead of coming inside with us.”

“I have to ask permission,” Francesca wipes her eyes.  “If Moms find out I’ll probably get yelled at.  If I asked first, maybe it won’t be so bad.  Can I call Mari? Or text her a picture of that with your phone and ask?

Dominique gives Francesca her phone, the code already put in.  Francesca takes a picture of the cart.  Types:  _Moms say no but can I use this?  My legs are really tired from walking.  This is Francesca.  Bye._

“Oh.  She might not get the text right away,” Levi says, worried.  “You guys don’t have cell service at your Grandpa’s right?”

Francesca’s shoulders slump.

“Can I forward this to Pearl?  Ask her to show Mariana?” Levi asks.

Francesa nods.  Dominique forwards  the text and the picture to Levi.  Levi sends it to Pearl.  In seconds there is a ping back:

Mariana’s face is there.  It’s a video.  “Don’t listen to Moms on this.  Use the thing.  It’s an accommodation.  We get to have those because we’re humans.  Love you.  Have fun with Dominique and Levi.  Bye.”

Slowly, Francesca gets out of the car.  The seat of the cart looks very high, but Levi says he can lift her if she’s okay with it.  She is.  Once she’s in, she buckles the one seatbelt across her lap just like in the car.

“Dominique can you push?” she asks.  Being in the cart means you’re breathing the same air, practically, as the person pushing.  Like almost face to face.  She trusts Levi.  But not as much as Dominique.

She nods and starts pushing.  It helps having Dominique right here to look at, because it distracts Francesca from anybody pointing or staring.  Francesca feels one person do it.  But she ignores them.

Levi leads the way to the kids’ section.

They find the life jackets.  And the size that fits Francesca.  There’s a gross red and yellow one.  A pink and purple one that’s too girly, Mom would say.  And a light green and light blue one.  “Can I have that last one?” she asks.

“Here.  Lean forward,” Dominique says helping her slip it on and zip it.  “How does it feel?”

“Like I can’t move very good.  It’s awkward.”

“Well, it has to be secure.  If it’s too big, you could slip out of it.” Dominique explains.  “Does it hurt anywhere?”

“No.” Francesca says.

“Okay.  This is the one you want then?” Dominique double checks.

Francesca nods.

“Wow, you definitely know what you want,” Levi sounds impressed.  He keeps looking over Francesca’s head and back and forth.

“What are you looking for?” she asks.

“Nothing,” he reassures, but it doesn’t look like nothing.

They don’t give her the money in the checkout and make her pay.  Dominique does.  When Francesca hears that the life jacket is $40, she almost tips over.  That would take her months to earn in allowance.

“It’s too expensive,” she whispers to Levi.  

“It’s fine.  What do you guys say?  It’s a basic need, right?  You need to be safe.  More than just on this trip.”

When Dominique doesn’t quite have enough money, Levi offers some, and Francesca feels terrible for being such a baby about the ugly life jacket at the cabin.  She shouldn’t have made a big deal.  Should have just worn it.

Francesca’s quiet as Dominique pushes the cart to the doors, and outside.  

“It belongs inside,” Francesca protests.

“I know.  I’ll run it back in,” Levi reassures.

He does.  There are a million things about this trip that Dominique and Levi act like are no big deal, but back at home?  They would be The Biggest Deal Ever.  

“What’s wrong, Francesca?” Dominique asks once they’re driving again.

“It’s too much…” she protests quietly.

“It’s not.  I wanted to do this for you.  Levi did, too, right?” Dominique asks.

“Definitely,” Levi says.  “You guys were there for me.  Now we wanna be there for you.”

“But I can’t ever pay you back.  I’d have to save every bit of my allowance until summer, and Moms always forget to give it to me anyway.”

“Remember what Levi said to me about the ice cream money?” Dominique reminds.

But Francesca can’t remember.  Her brain is too full of stress.  

“This is friendship stuff.  Friendship stuff means you don’t have to pay anything back…”

“But that’s so much money!” Francesca insists.  “It’s probably why Moms never got me one in the first place.”

“Babe, your safety matters.” Dominique insists.  “I’d buy you 100 life jackets, no question, if they’d keep you safe.”

Francesca blinks.  “That’s like… $400!”

“$4,000,” Levi corrects, but not in a mean way.

Dominique elbows him.  “Don’t tell her that!” she whispers, smiling.

Francesca’s eyes almost fall out of her head they are so wide.  That’s how shocked she is.

“You’re worth any price,” Dominique says, turning and looking Francesca right in the eyes.

“Thank you,” Francesca says softly.  “For buying me this.  I’ll take good care of it.”

“I know you will.  Thanks for coming with us today.” Dominique tells her.  “It was fun talking about sloths with you.”

Levi looks so confused.  “Did I miss something?  Are sloths a thing now?”

“You missed a lot about cute sloths,” Francesca insists.  “But don’t worry.  We’ll tell you everything.  First, there’s this really cute baby sloth…” she says.

And Francesca gets comfortable, talking.  Realizes that today with her friends was stressful, but it was also pretty great.


	29. Chapter 29

On the rest of the drive back, it’s hard for Levi not to let guilt eat away at him.  If Dominique and Francesca hadn’t come along, they wouldn’t have been tailed by that ass employee.  Francesca wouldn’t have freaked out about riding in the cart that she thought wasn’t meant for her.

Levi remembers Dominique’s question from yesterday: “If guilt were not a thing, would he want them to come with him?”

What he should have said is, “But guilt  _is_  a thing and I’ll be fine.”  But, of course, he hadn’t thought to say that and instead he was super-weak and now they’re probably extra traumatized because of him.

(He knows Francesca, at least, is exhausted from walking for hours around SuperOne.  How insensitive can he be?)

When they park out in front of Frank’s cabin, Levi makes up an excuse to lag behind.  Sends the groceries in with Francesa who wants to carry them.  Dominique promises to give her a hand.

Like he hopes, Dominique is so distracted that she assumes he is right behind them.  But Levi’s not.

Instead, he stays in the car, and when everybody’s inside, he pulls away.  Just drives.  To somewhere private.  Somewhere there’s nobody.  No signs of life.  Then, Levi pulls over.  Parks.  And when he’s sure he’s alone - and he’s sure he can’t hold it in anymore - he screams.

He hits the steering wheel and screams until it feels like his throat is ripping.  How dare he do this?  To his friends?  What kind of terrible person is he?  To make them suffer just so he can make it through a four-hour shift at work without losing his mind?  He had been fine!  He hadn’t needed them.  He could have made it on his own.  Seriously, why would he do this?

Levi keeps screaming.  Keeps hitting the steering wheel, vaguely aware of avoiding the horn, if only so he won’t attract any attention.  

He has no idea how much time passes.  When he stops screaming, he just stares out the window at the fading dark.  He can’t face them again.  Not when he did so much to hurt Dominique and Francesca in the first place.

–

“Seriously, where is he?” Dominique wonders.  “Fran, we cannot lose a whole person.  This is bad.”

“I know,” Francesca nods.  “Do you think,” she gulps.  “Do you think it was a bad guy?”

“No.”  Dominique shakes her head.  “His car’s gone, too.  “So, he probably left to go do something and just forgot to tell us…”

“It’s a good thing Jesus and Mariana and Pearl are next door…” Francesca ventures, nodding at their note.  “Because Jesus and Mariana don’t do disappearing people very good and, you know, Levi’s Pearl’s brother…”

“Yes, babe, I know…” Dominique breathes.  “Why don’t you make yourself a sandwich and grab some veggies and chips for dinner,” Dominique advises.

Moments later, her mouth full of nacho cheese Doritos, Francesca exclaims: “We should text him!”

“Francesca, yes, you’re a genius, thank you.  Let me take your plate outside to the picnic table.  There’s a signal there.”

“What if they see us next door and ask what we’re doing?” Francesca worries.

“Then, we tell them the truth.  Even when it’s really hard.  Friends don’t lie, right?”

“Right, but I wish we could…So we might not get in trouble for losing a whole person…”

“Levi’s a human being.  He has the right to make choices.  Even ones we don’t understand, and even ones he doesn’t share with us.” Dominique says.  All the while, texting.

_Levi, we’re worried.  Can you please text and let us know you’re okay?_

Francesca wants to text, too, so Dominique rushes in to grab her phone off the charger, where it’s been all day, and then back out.  Relieved that she’s still at the picnic table, and has not vanished into thin air like Levi.

Like a pro, Francesca records a short video:

“Levi, it’s me.  Hi.  Where are you?  Please come back.  I’m having PB & J with carrots and Doritos.  You can have some with me.”  She’s quiet for a moment and then, softer, she says: “I really hope you’re safe and no bad guys got you…”

Francesca sends the video.

A few minutes later, her phone pings.

“Ooh, it’s Levi.  He says: “I am safe.  Don’t worry.” Francesca reads.

Dominique curses under her breath.  He needs to come back not to send some vague-ass text about how he’s safe.  Safe people don’t just vanish.  She ought to know.

–

Pearl feels like all of this just might be okay.  She has enjoyed a gloriously lowkey day, where she slept until God knows when, only to be awakened by a video from Levi (really Francesca) that was for Mariana.  Then, Pearl got up and walked next door to deliver the message, and Mari replied.  And for the rest of the day?  She, Jesus and Mariana have just been hanging out.

They’ve caught up on each other’s lives and business, feeling confident that Levi, Francesca and Dominique are together and looking out for each other.  She glances out the window toward next door.

“Looks like Francesca and Dominique are outside,” Pearl notes.  “Levi must be inside already.”

“I could seriously live off of your hot chocolate,” Jesus insists.  “It’s the best thing ever.”

“Aw, thanks…” Pearl sighs.  “If only it had magic, fortifying powers, to get me through hideous anniversaries.”

“My first was last month…” Mariana shares quietly.  “Since the accident.  It was weird.  And hard.  I didn’t wanna go in a car anywhere, but naturally, Francesca had a thing at school, and we all had to go.”

“A thing?” Jesus asks.  “Oh, yeah, her choir concert.  She was so cute.  But that music teacher had them doing way too much choreo…” he grimaces.

“Jesus, I didn’t know you were such an aficionado of the performing arts…” Pearl teases gently.

“I don’t know what that means,” he tells her blankly.

“That you know a lot about it,” Mariana clarifies.

“I don’t, I just know that doing step-touch-clap choreography, and singing, was way too much for Francesca to do all at the same time…”

“I remember, it took us some time to get in, because I didn’t wanna get out of the car…” Mariana shares, a little distant.  “I don’t know why.  I just…didn’t want to.  And so…Mom was back there trying to like….”

“Drill sergeant you?” Jesus asks.

Mariana nods.  “And that just made it worse.  Eventually I came in.  Because of her massive guilt trip about missing important moments in Francesca’s life and how she knows what that’s like because she didn’t get to see Jesus’s fifth grade concert…”

Pearl’s eyes widen.

Mariana bites her lip and glances at Jesus.  “Sorry.”

Pearl watches as Jesus scoots closer to her.  Takes her hand.  “ _I’m_  sorry she said that.  It was a low blow.  I hate that she uses me going missing as an excuse to make you muscle through your trauma…”

“Yeah, well, it worked.  I came in.” Mariana shrugged.

“I should’ve met you guys there.  Stayed with you.  Instead of going ahead inside,” Jesus apologizes.

“You like to keep a low profile.  I get that.” Mariana reassures.

“Do you know you guys have one of the most beautiful relationships?” Pearl gushes.  

Both of them look at her in tandem, twin expressions of confusion.

“I mean, your brother-sister dynamic.  The way you’re there for each other.  Support each other.  I’m learning so much here.” Pearl knows this probably sounds over the top, but she has been deep in the wilderness with Levi lately and any advice on how to be a good sister is advice she’ll take, even if Pearl gets it from observation only.

“We’re just…” Mariana starts out.

“…being normal,” Jesus finishes.

“But it’s not just normal,” Pearl insists.  “It’s…I don’t know…”

“Hey, speaking of Moms…” Jesus ventures.  “How are you doing?  You know?  Since telling off yours?  You worried she’ll come back here?”

“Not really,” Pearl says.  “She’s lived up here for years and that’s only maybe the second time she’s ever stopped by.  Levi’s not used to her harshness.  Her energy.  But growing up around it for most of my life?   _That_  feels normal.  She doesn’t scare me…”

Pearl watches Jesus raise an eyebrow at Dudley.  “Pearl’s braver than me…” he whispers.

It makes Pearl laugh.  And God, she needs to laugh.

–

The dark is invading his car.  Levi pulls out and parks somewhere else every so often so he’s not accused of loitering like Dominique and Francesca (and so that, if they are looking for him, they won’t find him…)

The truth is, he deserves everything that happened to him.  If he’d just behaved himself that day in third grade, nothing would’ve ever happened and then maybe he would’ve gotten the chance to meet Pearl years ago.  But no.  He’d gone and messed it all up.  Because mud felt good?  Like, really?  What kind of excuse was that?

Levi was a rude little shit who couldn’t stop himself from getting filthy and tracking mud inside.  He shouldn’t be surprised at what happened.  He should have expected it.

He tries to scream again, but his voice is a hoarse, croaking whisper.

Levi checks the time.  Knows Feelings Time is probably happening and he is not there for it.  Oh well.  They can all be honest about their feelings about him.  They don’t have to spare him.

Not like they’d understand Levi has no actual feelings.  No way of articulating them except screaming.  And he knows enough to know that him screaming and hitting stuff is just going to freak all of  them out.

He’s done enough damage.

Best if he just stays away from them.

–

Francesca’s crying because Levi’s missing.  Because he missed Feelings Time.  Because she really misses him.  (They didn’t even have Feelings Time because without all of them it wasn’t the same.)  So now all of her feelings are trapped on the inside.

“Can’t we go look for him?” she begs.

“No,” Pearl  says.  “He texted to say he’s safe.  He’s still responding to us.  We have to respect that he might need some space right now.”

“But somebody might’ve  _stole_  him!” she bawls.  “I don’t want anybody else I love to just disappear!”

“Francesca,” Pearl says, like Frankie’s being unreasonable.  “I understand you’re afraid somebody might have stolen Levi, but they didn’t.”  She keeps looking at Jesus and Mariana and Dominique too.  “Levi…he’ll come back when he’s ready.”

“I can’t sleep if he’s not here…” she insists.  Her nose is running.  “What if your mom is yelling at him?” Francesca asks Pearl.  “Remember she was yelling at you yesterday?  What if she’s yelling at him like my moms yell at me?  What if he can’t come back?”  she cuddles Night-Night, her old blanket from when she was a baby.  No one teases her.

“My mom isn’t Levi’s mom.  They don’t know each other.  She’ll leave him alone, okay?  I promise…” Pearl says.

But promises don’t mean anything against bad people.

–

Dominique’s thinking Francesca might be onto something regarding Pearl’s mom, but she knows she can’t say anything without outing him.  Eventually, Pearl goes back to her own cabin.  Francesca exhausts herself from crying and falls asleep.

Mariana tries, but she can’t stay awake, and neither can Jesus, after their late night last night.  So Dominique’s the last one up.  She sits at the table, drinking cups of coffee to keep her sharp, even though caffeine wrecks her nerves.  She gets a deck of cards and plays round after round of Solitaire.  Trying not to think about years ago.  Her own disappearance.

It’s just past 4 AM, and Dominique’s drunk a whole pot of coffee, when Dominique sees headlights out front.  They left the porch light on, both here and next door.  She can see clearly, it’s Levi’s car.

Dominique slips outside, flashlight in hand, closing the door softly behind her.  She approaches the driver’s side.  Sees him inside.  He looks pale.  Tense.  Exhausted.  Distant.  She taps on the window.  

Slowly, Levi unlocks the door,  But he stays put.  

Eventually, Dominique comes around the other side of his car.  Gets in.  Just sits.

“Sorry,” he rasps.  “I’m sorry…”

“Hey…what are you sorry for?” Dominique asks, gently, though the pot of coffee she’s drunk is buzzing in her blood.

“Sorry…  I’m sorry…” he repeats.  He sounds like he’s developed laryngitis suddenly.

“Levi, look at me.”  She reaches up to turn on the interior light.  “It’s Dominique.  You don’t need to apologize for anything.  You don’t need to be sorry.”

He nods.  Nods.  Nods.

“No.  You didn’t do anything wrong,” Dominique reassures.  “Is that what happened?  Did you think you did?  Did you feel like you had to run?”

He nods again.

“Okay.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  I promise.”

“Don’t…” he croaks.

“I know you don’t like promises, Levi.  But I mean it.  Why’d you run?  You didn’t…see her?  Did you?”  Dominique feels terrible, but she wouldn’t be doing her duty as his friend if she didn’t ask.

Levi shakes his head.  “I made you come.  You got followed.  Francesca…got exhausted.  She was scared to ride in the cart.  Thought the life jacket cost too much.  I was okay.  Nothing happened.  I hurt you guys…for no reason.”

“Levi, I’m glad nothing happened.  I’m glad we were there.  So is Francesca.  It’s not your fault that we were followed or that Francesca got tired or any of it.”

“I shouldn’t….I shouldn’t…” he stutters.

“Hey.  You should,” Dominique looks at him seriously, nodding.  “You should.  Come inside with me, please?”

“No.  I shouldn’t…” Levi insists.  “I’m terrible.”

“Levi, I’m protecting you, remember?  This?  You being scared?  Feeling terrible?  Like you did a billion wrong things?  That’s trauma, and that’s okay.  I’ve got you.  Please trust me.  Please come inside.”

Slowly, Levi opens his door.  He gets out.  By the time Dominique comes around the car, he still hasn’t moved.

“What do you need right now, to feel safe?” she asks.

“Hug…” he whispers.

“Okay, walk with me up to the porch.  I don’t feel safe hugging by the car,” Dominique explains.

Levi moves woodenly but eventually they make it up the steps.

The minute they’re on the porch, Dominique turns to Levi.  “I’m gonna hug you now, because it’s what you said you needed to feel safe.  You just back up or shake your head or something when you wanna stop.”

Levi nods.

And Dominique reaches up.  Hugs him hard.  She’s not a hugger.  A few days hasn’t changed that.  But, God, she thought she’d lost him.  She thought she might not be able to see him ever again.  Dominique thought every terrible thing Francesca thought and more.

She holds him tight.  Shifts her weight back and forth.  

He hugs her back.

They go inside, and she walks him up to the loft.  Hanging out on the stairs.

“Talk to me,” she urges.  

“I can’t.  I can’t.  I can just scream…” he admits.

“You know, I had a time like that?” she confides.  “It’s okay to have a time like that.  You don’t have to drive away from us to have it.”

“If I scare you…”

“If you need to scream, and if you feel better doing that in your car by yourself.  Go out and sit in your car by yourself, in front of our cabin, or wherever it is.  You go ahead and scream.  We’ll stay inside.  We’ll give you space.  Just…please don’t run again…”

“You guys still want me?  To be your friend?”

“Levi, we never stopped.” Dominique insists.

He hangs his head and Dominique leans closer.  When he puts his head on her shoulder, Dominique doesn’t pull away.


	30. Chapter 30

“He came home  _when_?” Pearl asks, incredulous, sitting on Frank’s porch with Jesus.

“About 4 AM.  I heard him come in,” Jesus passed along, looking concerned.

“I hope you weren’t up all night,” she says.

“No, but I’m pretty tuned into when the door opens.  Dominique waited up, though.  So, he wasn’t alone when he came in.”

“Seriously, Jesus, should I be worried here?  Is there something I should know about Levi?”

“Talk to him.  If you wanna know, you need to talk to him.  You can’t go behind his back.”

“He legitimately has a 3-9:45 shift today,” she shares - a non sequitur.

Jesus spots her shaking hands.  She doesn’t bother hiding them anymore.  “You don’t like when he works late?”

“No…I mean, I don’t.  But that was the same shift I had when…” she ventures.  “And it’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough.  It happened on a Saturday night through Sunday.  This year, it falls on a weekend, too, so…” Pearl sips hot tea from her travel mug.

Jesus grimaces.  “Hate when it does that.”

“I know,” she nods.  “And I know it isn’t rational…but like…rationality doesn’t really matter when it comes to this.  I can’t help but imagining the same thing happening to him.  And if it did…  I could never forgive myself, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.  I worry about Francesca the same way,” Jesus sympathizes.

“But I think Dominique’s planning to go into town with him when he goes to work.  Stick close.  You know?  Might give you peace of mind.”

“Why would she do that?” Pearl asks.

“I mean…they’re friends.  Dominique cares about him.  She knows he’s had a hard time.  I think she just wants him to know he has a friend nearby.  If he needs one.”

Pearl expels a breath.  “Yeah, that does help.  Confession: my mother has been blowing up my phone, as the kids say.”

Jesus looks sidelong at her.  “I don’t think the kids say that anymore…” he jokes.  “But…wait.  What?  I thought you told her to beat it.”

“I did.” Pearl maintains.

“She can’t take a hint, or…” Jesus asks.

“Basically.” Pearl nods.  “I haven’t told Levi, because he’s been so stressed.  And he’s been over here, so he hasn’t needed to worry about it.”

“What’s she want?” Jesus asks.

“Oh, just to make me feel guilty about my life choices.  To make this weekend all about her.  Take your pick.”

Jesus grimaces.  “You have nothing to feel guilty about.  And this weekend is about you.  She’s messing with your head.  Trust me, I know what that looks like.”

“You think she’s like, manipulating me?” Pearl wonders, surprised.

“Well, I don’t think she’s loving you.  I’ll put it like that,” Jesus mutters darkly.

Pearl’s mouth falls open.  “Wow.  Okay.”

“Sorry.  If that was, you know, too harsh or whatever.”  Jesus apologizes.

“No, I need Jesus levels of bluntness in my life right now,” Pearl insists.

There’s silence.  There’s a squirrel in the yard Dudley really wants to chase.  But Cleo scares it away with her goofy bark.

“So, what do you wanna do this weekend?  Like, how do you wanna handle it?” Jesus asks.  “I get that there’s not a lot of lead time.  But it helps me going into days like these to kinda have a plan.  To know what I want to happen.  What I don’t.  What do you usually do?”

“Sleep,” Pearl shares unceremoniously, stroking Cleo.  Their time walking the dogs together has to be some of Pearl’s favorite.  But this morning they’d saved all the major conversation for afterward.

“Do you wanna sleep this weekend?” Jesus wonders, no judgment.

“No, I wanna hang out with you guys.  I just…don’t know how I’ll be…  If someone brings it up, or whatever…” Pearl worries.

“Well, we wouldn’t want you thinking we don’t care.  Just that…I don’t know.  Sometimes I don’t want people in my family to bring it up on hard days.  Sometimes I do, but just like, peripherally.  I don’t like a big deal made.”

“What are you asking?” Pearl tries.

“Do you think you’ll wanna discuss it?  Like, should we check in with you?” Jesus clarifies.

“I have no idea.  No one has ever asked me that.  No one’s ever been here with me through it, except when it happened, and even then, Mom didn’t  _know_  it happened.  I didn’t tell her for like a week…”

“Dude…” Jesus breathes.

“Yeah, I know, right?  Brutal.” Pearl tells him.

“It is.” Jesus nods.

“I think I’ll want to know people remember it’s a hard weekend?” Pearl ventures.  “Check in with me, but not too directly?”

“Like, ‘How you doin’ with that?’” Jesus asks.

“Kind of, I guess.” Pearl makes a face.  “Don’t make a massive deal but don’t forget me?”

“Done.  Hey, and maybe leave your phone on silent or something?” he asks.  “Just so you don’t have your mom bugging?”

“Right,” Pearl nods.  “Do you think Levi’s gonna be okay tonight?  Like, can I stay close around here so if I need you or Mariana to talk me off a ledge about him, you can?”

“Totally, yeah,” Jesus nods.

“And…” Pearl hesitates.  “Can we do Feelings Laundry again?  We missed yesterday and…I can tell.  I think I need it.  Especially this weekend.  But if Levi and Dominique are gonna be gone tonight, then I’m not sure how it’ll–”

Cleo’s licking her now.  Pearl barely feels it.

“Pause,” Jesus interjects gently.  “Get your breath.”

Pearl breathes, albeit shakily.  She feels ridiculous. “I should have known, every time I start to ramble, that’s a bad sign.  Like, come on, Pearl, gather yourself.  This isn’t a big deal,  Why are you making it one?”

“Pearl,” Jesus interjects softly.    

She meets his gaze.  He just stares back, quiet.  For a whole minute.  When he finally does speak, his words surprise her:

“This is a really big deal.  And it makes a lot of sense that you’re struggling right now.  I know you mentioned Feelings Laundry….  Hey, are you breathing?  Don’t hold your breath.  Breathe.  Can you?”

“Just in…” Pearl manages.

“You okay if I talk to you about candles?” he asks, throwing her for a loop again.

“What?” she asks.

“I mean, they don’t trigger you or anything, do they?” Jesus persists.

“No.  They’re fine,” she says, breathless.

“So, imagine there’s a candle.  Or…a cake with lots of candles…  Like your birthday cake…”

“Very funny…” Pearl gasps.

“You need a good breath to blow out those candles.  So, when you’re ready…just take a deep breath and blow them out.  You might need to do it a few times…”

“For Levi, too…” Pearl manages.

“What?  Wait, you guys…have the same birthday?” Jesus asks, incredulous.

Pearl nods, finally drawing in a deep breath.

“Okay, so you’ll need some for your candles and some for his, ‘cause he’s still sleeping…and the cake’s invisible,” Jesus coaches.

Pearl highly doubts that pretending to blow out candles on a cake is going to help anything.  She tries.  It’s harsh.  Sudden.  Not calm.

“So, long and slow.  You gotta get to all the candles and Levi’s cake is back here,” Jesus gestures vaguely.

After forever, it seems like Pearl can breathe again.  “Sorry, I’m such a mess.”

Jesus smiles a little.  “Messy is okay,” he says.  “So, you asked about Feelings Laundry.  And including Levi and Dominique.  What do you think about asking everybody if they wanna have it after lunch today instead of after dinner?  So we all can be there.”

“Yeah,” Pearl nods.  “You are pretty incredible,” she tells him.  

“Well, I have this pretty amazing role model who I’ve looked up to for years,” Jesus says.

“Oh, please.  I’m hideous.”

“You need to change that inner dialogue…” Jesus encourages.  “I think you mean, reasonably upset given the circumstances…and an amazing role model.”

“Stop,” she insists, laughing a little.

“Okay.” Just like that, Jesus does.  It doesn’t matter that she’s laughing.  That she meant it lightly.

Jesus listened.

He always listens.

–

Francesca wakes up and finds Jesus not in the fort.  For a second, she feels like crying.  She can’t keep having her friends and her brother just disappearing.  She puts her blanket around her and creeps out of the fort.  To the window.  

Luckily, she sees Jesus out there with Pearl, talking.  It makes her feel an inch better.  But still.  Levi.  She went to sleep last night and he wasn’t home.  After spending  the day with her and then coming home, he was just gone.

It was scary.

Mariana and Dominique’s door is closed.  Francesca approaches the big staircase and decides to crawl up it.  No one is here to see and make fun of her.  And she can always go down on her butt later.

She makes it all the way up, to the loft and then scurries to the far side by the bookshelf, as far away from the stairs as possible.  She remembers the rule about bedrooms and is too nervous to knock and see if Levi answers, but she sits in the chair and waits.

She falls asleep waiting.

When the door creaks, Francesca jump-scares herself awake.  Levi jumps, too.  He looks different.

Francesca gets up and walks to him.  Stands in front of him.  He bends down and she can’t help it.  She throws her arms around him, biting her lip to keep her tears in, but it doesn’t even help and soon she’s sobbing like a baby.  (But quietly because people are sleeping, plus Jesus’s trauma doesn’t like loud crying.)

“Whoa.  Hey…” he says.  His voice sounds scratchy.  He rocks back so he’s sitting.  She goes, too.  She feels like she can never let go of him.

“I thought you were gone,” she gasps.

“You, what?” he asks, quiet.  Confused.

“Thought…you were…gone!  Like Jesus!  I thought…somebody took you!” Francesca sobs.  It feels like her heart actually is breaking.  It’s the worst feeling.

“Hey…  No…  Nobody took me,” Levi rubs her back.  

Francesca cries a little more before she can start calming down.  “I’m sorry,” she apologizes, not looking at him.

“It’s okay.   _I’m_  sorry I scared you.  I didn’t know.  I won’t do it again.” Levi says seriously.

“When people just go and don’t tell me…  It just…  I don’t know…” Francesca tries.

“Maybe it reminds you…” Levi asks, his voice still sounding like he’s sick.

“Of Jesus being gone, too,” Francesca nods.  

“You’re pretty young.  Do you remember that?” he asks.

“No, he came back when I was one and a half,” Francesca wipes her eyes.  “But the last time we were here, Moms thought Jesus was gone again.  Moms were fighting and checking to see if he fell through the ice outside.  Mariana was crying.  Jude and Brandon were fighting and Callie kept asking to go look for him but Moms told her ‘We can’t lose you, too.’”  He was gone a long time.  Then he came back.  But I still remember him being gone.  The feeling inside.”

“Being unprotected,” Levi offers.

“I think…” Francesca nods.  “Like every bad thing could suddenly really happen.  Bad guys were real.  There was more than just Jesus’s one bad guy.  The world, like, became dangerous…So, last night it felt the same, even though you’re not Jesus.”  Francesca’s looking at Levi in the eyes.  “Did you feel that way?  Is that why you left?”

“No,” Levi shakes his head.  “I felt guilty.  Like I was selfish for wearing you out.  And getting you and Dominique followed.”

“You didn’t,” Francesca insists.  “I wore myself out.  And the peon followed us, not you.”

Levi cracks a smile.

“Next time, can you just ask?” Francesca begs.

“Ask what?” Levi wonders.

“If you’re feeling guilty about stuff.  Ask if it’s true.  We’ll tell you.  Friends don’t lie, you know?” Francesca tells him.

“What if they tell me it is…” Levi worries.

“Friends also don’t hurt each other on purpose.  Or at all.  So…” she shrugs.  “If you’re worried about a lot of stuff just come talk to us about it.  We’re like your dad.  We’ll protect you.”

“Thank you, Francesca,” he squeezes her again.  “Hey, how did you get up here?”

“Crawled.”

“Ah.  Need a hand down?”

“Not really,” she hesitates.

“No?  Why?”

“What if I wanna stay here?  Not in your room, just outside it like this?” Francesca asks.

“Well, I was thinking about…getting some pancakes.” Levi winks.

“We didn’t buy any…” Francesca objects.

“But I did, and I hid them in a secret spot.  Wanna come down and find them with me?” he asks.

“Yeah.” Finally, Francesca smiles.  She grabs her blanket but then can’t figure out how to bring it with her and go down stairs.

“Here, I have an idea.  What about…a cape?” Levi asks, tying the blanket at two corners around Francesca’s neck.  “And what about a boost?” he bends down for her to climb on, piggyback style.

She does.

“Just hang on tight,” Levi insists.

“I will.  I have strong arms,” Francesca shares, holding on extra tight.  

They find the pancakes in the freezer.  Levi shows her the best way to eat them: with peanut butter and maple syrup.  It really does taste great.

“I’m glad you came home,” Francesca tells him, around a bite of pancake.  “I’d miss you tons, otherwise…”  She stabs another bite with her fork.  “Just so you know?  Avoiders?  Don’t avoid each other.”

“Wait.   _I’m_  an Avoider?” Levi asks.

“Of course.” Francesca nods.

“Why, of course.  You barely know me.”  Levi says, looking away.

“Well, Jesus didn’t know  _me_  at first, but that didn’t mean we weren’t brother and sister,” Francesca shrugs.

“You don’t have to include me in your thing…” Levi hesitates.

“Too late.  You’re included,” Francesca smiles.  “It’s good.  It means you’re wanted.”

Levi wipes his eyes.

Francesca doesn’t make fun of him.  She just hands him a napkin for his tears.


	31. Chapter 31

Levi comes out of the shower, exhausted enough to sleep for weeks.  Half-asleep, despite being up about an hour with Francesca, he makes his way downstairs again.  Skids to a halt in the kitchen.

A small mountain of peanut butter star cookies sit arranged carefully on a plate.  The plate’s real.  A green border and leaves printed around the rim.  He’s seen the plates a million times at Pearl’s.  They’d meant nothing.  But now, stacked with the cookies -  _these_  cookies - they mean…

_“Hi, Levi!  Good to see you.  I have cookies in the kitchen.  Help yourself.”_

_Carla makes the best cookies.  She’s not usually smiling and nice to him, but she is now.  It’s only because his dad is here, but Levi doesn’t mind, because anytime she’s nice is better for him.  Sometimes when Dad’s back is turned, she looks at Levi mean.  But since she’s being nice now, Levi feels himself relaxing._

_Smiling back._

_Walking to the kitchen._

_Finding that perfect stack of cookies and staring at it before picking out the very best one.  Eating the chocolate star first.  Then the cookie.  The sweet and salty tastes the best.  It doesn’t even matter that Pearl’s mom and his dad are fighting in the other room._

_“What do you take me for?”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“She’s not here.  Again.  You gave me your word, Carla.”_

_“I can’t help what she does, Paris.  She’s 28 years old.  She’s an adult.  I told her you were coming, and she left.  Not my problem.”_

_Levi remembers thinking seriously about taking a second cookie when Dad’s cell phone rings.  Work, probably.  In seconds, Levi knows he has to leave.  Levi comes back, cookieless and walks to the front door for his shoes._

_“Come on, Levi.  We gotta go.  I gotta drop you off at your cousin’s and check on Mom.  The alarm’s going off at Grandma Major’s.”  Dad’s in a hurry, down the stairs.  Levi can’t find his other shoe.  “Levi, hustle, bud.  We gotta go.”_

_“I can watch him,” Carla offers.  “Paris, you can go, check things out, and come back here to pick Levi up.  We’ll find his shoe in the meantime.”_

_“No, I can’t impose on you…” Dad says, shaking his head._

_Levi’s looking so hard for his other shoe but it’s just like it vanished off the world._

_“Paris, I’ve been a mother for 28 years…” Carla tries again._

_Dad turns to Levi.  “I’ll be back in 5 minutes.  You be out front.  Shoes on.”_

_“I’ll come!” Levi insists._

_“You stay here.  I’ll make sure Mom’s fine, and I’ll come right back and get you. Alright.  Listen to Carla.  Don’t be underfoot.”_

_“Okay.” Levi pouts._

_When Dad opens the front door, Levi finds his other shoe, squished between the two doors.  He takes both and carries them with him.  But Levi knows better than to ask again about going with his dad.  Better just to listen._

_He follows his dad out, barefoot, and waves at him as he backs out of the driveway.  He’ll just sit out here and wait.  Dad’ll be back and then they can just go home.  He swings his feet over the side of the steps.  Sees the hose coiled up.  Turns the knob.  Water runs out.  Making the dirt there into squishy cold mud.  He sinks his feet in.  It feels awesome.  So smooth._

_But pretty soon, the hose dripping makes Levi have to pee.  So, he ditches it and runs inside.  It’s not until he’s all done, and is walking back to the sink to wash his hands that he sees the mess.  The muddy prints he tracked in._

_“Are you serious?  This is fucking unbelievable,” Carla swears, bursting in the door of the bathroom and finding Levi, mud up to his knees.  On the butt of his jeans.  Because he had been sure it would feel good to sit in, too.  “Of course, fucking Paris says 5 minutes but just like that it’ll be a two-hour ordeal…” Carla mutters under her breath.  “Just great…”_

Levi closes his eyes before his mind can finish out the memory.  Her coming at him.  Ripping down his jeans.  His boxers.  Making him step out of them.  And then into the tub.  And then…

He blinks at Pearl.  She has the same plates as her mom.  Maybe she even got them from her.

He can’t speak.  But he thinks about Francesca’s advice earlier: “Ask, don’t run.”

“What’s this?” he asks, and Pearl turns from where she’s washing her hands at the kitchen sink.

“Oh.  Peanut butter star cookies.  Go ahead and help yourself,” she smiles.

Levi feels his jaw clench.  He’s not eating a damn cookie.  “Why did you do this?” he insists, growling the question.

“What’s your problem?” Pearl asks, drying her hands.  “I made them last night when you went missing temporarily for, like, 12 hours.  To keep from losing my mind.”

“So, it’s my fault?” he asks, tense.

“I didn’t know it was a crime to bake cookies…  Sorry…” Pearl says, dismissive.

“Why did you bake  _these_ , Pearl?!” Levi shouts.

“Jeez, I mean, I know you said you were Te Ka… but you weren’t kidding, were you?” Pearl jokes.

“Stop,” he begs.  “Just answer me!”  He sweeps the plate of cookies onto the floor.  The plate, somehow, doesn’t break.

Behind him, Levi’s vaguely aware of Dominique speaking lowly to Francesca.  Of both of them vacating.  Going outside.  Levi hopes Carla’s not out there.

“Okay, wow, Levi.  Whatever your deal is?  You don’t need to take it out on the cookies.  Pick them up.”

Levi’s squatting to do just that before he even knows it.  The smell of the cookies brings him right back to Carla’s kitchen nine years ago.  And the knowledge that if there’s a mess he’s responsible for?  He’d better clean it ASAP.

“Pearl,” Levi hears Jesus now, behind him.

“What?” she snaps.  Arms crossed.

“He’s obviously triggered right now.  By the cookies.  Making him pick them up is only making it worse.  Take them back next door.  Come on.”

“He’s not triggered,” Pearl denies.  “He’s just mad I brought up last night…”

“Look at him,” Jesus invites, gesturing to Levi, still hunched on the floor, trying to pick up the cookies with shaking hands.  “He’s not okay.”

“Okay, but how do you know it’s the cookies?” Pearl insists.

“I  _told you_!  You know because I  _told you_!  You  _believe me_!” Levi screams but it’s all in his head.  He can’t say anything.

“Because he told you,” Mariana says coming up next to Levi.  “He asked you about the cookies.”

“Oh, please.  I didn’t mean it like that, obviously.  I was trying to be nice.  Since when is offering someone cookies this big a deal?” Pearl complains.

“Levi, come on.  You don’t need to do this,” Mariana encourages.  She offers him apple hand sanitizer.  

Levi pours it on.  Hopes it will mask the smell.

“Let’s go out back,” Mariana urges.  

Levi feels like he is moving through molasses.  

They get to the sliding door just as Jesus says: “You need to hear me, Pearl.  I know all about this.”

Levi sees Jesus step forward.  Sees Pearl back into a wall.  Cleo barks.

The door closes.

–

Pearl hasn’t seen anybody step toward her like this since years ago.  When another young guy had one thought on his mind.

“Pearl.  Hey.  It’s me.  It’s Jesus.”  He backs up.  Finds a chair.  Sits.  “I’m sorry I scared you.  I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“Your voice…was intense…”  she ventures.

“Yeah, it does that sometimes.  When I’m frustrated.  I get that you’re having a hard time now, too.  But can you please sit down?  Can we talk about this?”

“I didn’t  _do_  anything, Jesus.  I didn’t harm him on purpose!  I would never!  So why is he so upset?” she asks, shaking off her fear.  She pulls out a chair across from Jesus, still a bit watchful.

He waits.

“Well?” she asks.

“I’m waiting.”

“For what, exactly?” Pearl wonders, irritated.

“For you to realize this isn’t you and me hanging out.  This isn’t the time I’m going to join you in venting about how annoying little bros are.  Because this is something way more important.” Jesus explains.

Pearl takes a breath.  Lets it out.  “Okay.  How so?”

“It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean to trigger Levi.  The fact is, you did.  I didn’t mean to trigger you just now either, but it happened.   _It happens_ ,” Jesus stresses each word.  

“Point taken.  So, I shouldn’t have made it into a personal attack, I guess.” Pearl admits.

“Do you remember what I did?  When I triggered you by stepping forward?” Jesus checks.

“Just now?” Pearl asks.

He nods.

She tries to think back.  “You…identified yourself.  You backed off.  You sat.”

“I also apologized.  Told you I wasn’t gonna hurt you.  Especially in those moments, we need to hear the words.  Because the goal when we’re triggered?  The  _very first goal_  is to take down the fear level.  It doesn’t matter that  _I_  know I’m not that asshole that hurt you.  That I would never.  That doesn’t entitle me to keep coming at you, does it?  Because I didn’t mean it to come off as threatening?”

“No, because it did.” Pearl answers.  “It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean to be threatening, I took it that way.”

“Levi took the cookies that way,” Jesus responds gently.  

Pearl wipes her eyes.  “But… _cookies_?   _Really_?” she asks, incredulous.

“For me, it’s Ramen noodles.  Pizza.  Fast food.”  

Pearl listens, raising her eyebrows.

“I love cookies, personally.” Jesus goes on.  “So do Mari, Dom and Frankie.  We’ll be happy to help you eat them.  But you saw Levi’s reaction, Pearl.”

“Yeah, he was pissed…” she says, not willing to fully let herself feel the sting of the hurt she inflicted.

“He was terrified.” Jesus clarifies.  “I know, because it looks like that on me, too.”

“But I didn’t know.  He never told me.  I mean, what could have happened to Levi that would make him terrified of cookies?”

“When you have a trauma response in public and someone random asks you about it, what do you say?” Jesus asks, patient.

“Nothing.  It’s none of their–   _Oh._   But we’re family…  Doesn’t that…I don’t know…change something?”

“Does being family change the fact that Levi deserves to have his boundaries and his privacy respected?”

Pearl cringes.  “You sound like a wise old sage.  I sound like a terrible person.  Oh, God, I sound just like my mom.”

“But you’re not her.  Because we would not have made friends with your mother.  Trust me.  Seven years of trauma therapy and survivor support groups for the last three?  They teach you a few things.”

“I miss your therapist…” Pearl says sadly.  “She was the best.”

“Dr. Hitchens?  Yeah, she was awesome.  She sends me Christmas cards still.”

“Aw…” Pearl smiles.

“Listen.  What do you wanna do about Levi?”

“Find him and hug the crap out of him.  And apologize.” Pearl decides, sighing.

“What about the cookies?” Jesus asks.

“Will you guys take them?” Pearl wants to know.

“Sure.  We’ve got giant Ziplocs with us.  I’ll give you one to pack them up in.”

“Thanks, Jesus, you’re the best.”

“Thanks for not shutting down.  And I am sorry for scaring you.”

“I know.” Pearl nods.  Then she bends and begins picking up the rest of the cookies and the plate from the floor.

–

Mariana walks with Levi a long time, hoping it will help diffuse some of his extra energy.

They make a couple full laps around the cabin - Levi, even in his state - offers Mari a hand to hold.   And when Levi walks down the dock, he doesn’t forget about her.  He steadies her.  They go slow.

They finally gets to the big white chair.  She holds onto the arm.  “Can I sit?  This thing keeps moving,” she nods at the dock.

Levi nods.

Mariana all but collapses into the chair.

“Why would she do that?” Levi asks, his voice even more destroyed than it was this morning.  The extra yelling probably hasn’t helped.

“I don’t know,” Mariana answers honestly.  “Sometimes sisters are jerks.”

“You’re not.  Francesca’s not,” Levi points out.

“No, but we have a sister named Callie,” Mariana jokes, “and she’s kinda…  No, I’m kidding.  But my point is.  Family can hurt each other.  Sometimes, worse than other people.  Because they know where you’re weak.”

“Pearl didn’t…” Levi says, his voice cutting.

“No, and sometimes they hurt you on accident and are stubborn about it.  That happens, too.” Mariana offers.  

“She was just trying to be nice…  God, I’m so terrible.  I  _am_  the freakin’ scary demon, just like Pearl said…” Levi moans.

“Hey.  No, you’re not.  She was trying to be nice, but did it  _feel_  nice?”

Levi shakes his head.

“So, for her not to back off, answer your questions and let it go…  I don’t know.  That makes her…culpable.”

“Guilty?” he guesses.

Mariana nods.  “She was wrong here.  People make mistakes.”

“Yeah, they do,” Levi sighs.

“But Jesus is talking to her.” Mariana reassures.

“Yeah, I notice he does that…” Levi comments.  It’s dark.

“What?” Mariana asks.

“Pearl listens to him.  She doesn’t take me seriously, but she does him.  It sucks.” Levi complains.

“Jesus…he does this with pretty much all of us.  Whenever he knows about our moms  saying something crappy to me, he doesn’t let it slide.  He talks to them.  They come around.  He’s advocating.  Trying to get the people around us to treat us with respect.”

“Yeah, but when your own sister can’t just do it?  Feels pretty crappy.  God, I still smell those stupid cookies on me.”  Levi shudders.

Silently, Mariana offers more hand sanitizer.

“Hey, is there room for more?” Dominique calls.

“Yeah, are you done yelling?” Francesca wants to know.

“Maybe give us a minute?” Mariana calls back, taking a look at Levi.

“God, I’m so gross…” he’s muttering.  “I’m  _so_  gross.”

Mariana knows there’s nothing to say to a feeling like this.  So she just sits.  Lets him squeeze out massive amounts of hand sanitizer and rub it in, until she feels dizzy from the thick scent of apples.  Until she doesn’t smell peanut butter at all.

–

Pearl steps outside and finds Francesca at the picnic table, trying to get a signal to text Levi.

“Where is he?” Pearl wonders.

“Down on the dock with Mari.” Francesca says, distracted, as Dominique snaps pictures.

“Thanks.”

“Get rid of the cookies,” Dominique calls at Pearl’s back.

“Done,” Pearl replies, willing her voice to be calm.  Not defensive.  She does not have to be like her mother who never apologizes.  She can make different choices.  Be a better human being.

She hesitates just before stepping on the dock, remembering Jesus’s words about boundaries.

“Levi?  I don’t have any cookies, I promise.  Can I come and talk to you, please?”

Pearl’s confused when she sees Mariana making her way toward her, hanging onto Levi’s arm and then calling Pearl out for a hand as Levi retreats.  

“He said yes.  Asked me to give you guys time,” Mariana explains once she’s safely on the grass.

“Okay.” Pearl answers.  She walks confidently out onto the dock.  She might be the only swimmer in this bunch.  Ironic since it’s a known fact that Pearl took a header off this very dock as a toddler.

She makes it to the chair.  “Can I sit?”

He nods, not looking at her.

“I’m sorry.  For not listening to you.  For not answering your questions.  For scaring you.”

Levi ignores her.

“Fine, I guess I deserve the silent treatment.  It’s not the first time I’ve messed up by you.”

“Why isn’t my word enough?” he asks.  His voice is hoarse.  He keeps clearing his throat.  “When I was…you know…in there…and you just…kept dismissing me.  Why did you do that?”

“I guess I honestly wasn’t expecting you to have that reaction.  And maybe that surprise kinda wedged me into my own perspective.  So I couldn’t hear yours.  I was stubborn.  There’s no excuse.”

“I know,” Levi comments softly, after a pause.

“You what?” Pearl wonders, caught off guard.  “You know  _what_?”

“What happened to you,” he shares.  “It’s why I came out here.”

“Because you knew I was raped?” Pearl asks, incredulous.

Levi nods.

“Okay.  So, you moved in with me because people are gossips?” Pearl tries to understand.

“No.  I moved in with you because…you  _know_.  How it feels.  Like you said before?  When you called me your scary demon?  You know how it feels…to have something change you…like that changed you.”

“Are you saying…someone hurt you…like Jared hurt me?” Pearl blinks.

“Not exactly,” Levi swallows.  “But, yeah, kinda…”

Pearl can feel her heart sink to her toes.  But she tries to breathe.  To do for him what she always hopes people will do for her and just listen.

“I’m sorry,” she says quietly.

“I feel like…I need to tell you more about it…but I can’t right now.  Is that okay?” Levi asks, looking at Pearl for the first time.  She always thought his eyes were reflecting her pain.  She had never known he was carrying so much of his own.

“You can tell me whatever you need to.  Whenever you need to.” Pearl says, willing her voice to be steady.

“I mean…I guess there’s not exactly a better time.  But…I know this weekend is hard for you already.  And I’m scared you won’t believe me.  And I’m scared you  _will_ …” Levi rambles.

“Hey.  You don’t need to keep your pain in to spare me,” Pearl tells him.  God, she wants to hold him.  But now doesn’t seem like the right time.

“It’s just…you know the person…really well…” Levi ventures.  

Pearl wracks her brain.  She cannot name a single person in her life whom she would say she knows “really well.”  Jared would not qualify.  Who else would hurt her brother?

“Okay…” she ventures.

“And if I tell you…I don’t want you to, like, do anything, please?  Don’t go confront them.  Don’t tell them you know.”

“I won’t.  If you don’t want me to, I won’t,” Pearl promises.

“Just believe me?  And don’t be mad?” he checks.

“Right.  I’ll just believe you, and I won’t be mad.”  Pearl’s heart aches at how thorough he is being.  How thorough he feels like he must be.  To disclose to her.

“It’s just…those cookies…your mom used to bake them…and…” he trails off, while the gears of Pearl’s brain grind against this information - what Levi’s saying - by what he  _isn’t_  saying.

“ _She_  hurt you,” Pearl comments quietly.  “Levi…  God…  I am so sorry…”

“It’s fine, I mean.  It was a long time ago….I just…  Then we moved back up here, and I saw her all the time.”

“No, I understand.  I do.  I won’t tell anyone.” Pearl promises.

“Dominique and Jesus know.  Because of Wednesday…”

“Right.  Wednesday.” Pearl comments grimly.  “Wait.  Did she…  She didn’t hurt you  _again_ , did she?”

“No.  Just scared me,” Levi shares, quiet.

Instead of reeling, Pearl finds herself stoically accepting this piece of truth Levi has divulged.  Pearl hates to admit it, but it fits.  Her mother wears a charming face for the public.  People love her.  But she has never been warm.  And years ago, she actually blamed Pearl for being raped.

“I know she’s your mom.  And I have no right to tell you not to see her.  I’m just saying  _I_  don’t want to.” Levi explains, apologetic.

“Levi, I’m on your side.  As far as I’m concerned?  I’m never speaking to her again.  And I am so sorry I scared you with her awful cookies…”

“They were actually really good.  That’s the terrible part,” Levi admits.  His voice sounds hollow.  “I never saw it coming.”

“I didn’t either,” Pearl admits.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asks, timid.

“No,” Pearl says around a lump in her throat.

“I hate everything,” Levi comments quietly.  “Right now?  I kinda hate everything…”

“You’re in good company.  I’m well-acquainted with that feeling.” Pearl smiles sadly.

“Did I ruin you?  Your image of your mom?” Levi asks carefully.

“No.  You showed me what was really there,” Pearl breathes in deeply.  Blows it out.

Her little brother’s been horrifically abused by her own mother.  She has no parents.  He has no father.  

But maybe they still have each other.


	32. Chapter 32

While Jesus is waiting for Pearl to come back from talking to Levi, he sits down at the picnic table with Francesca and Dominique.  He scoots in beside Fran, nudging her playfully.  He puts out a hand when he realizes he’s scared her off-balance.

“Stop.  I’m trying to get a signal,” she says, distracted.

“Can you put that down for a second?  I wanna check in with you guys.” Jesus says.

“We’re fine,” Dominique says, her voice guarded, distant.

“Really?” Jesus asks.

“You said you thought we had to get away,” Francesca points out.  “I told her there weren’t any bad people, but I don’t think she believed me,” she confides to Jesus.

“Dominique,” Jesus says.  “It’s Jesus.  It’s safe.  You’re in Minnesota-Avoidance.  With me and Francesca.”

“Here,” Francesca unzips her fanny pack.  Offers a chocolate pudding and a spoon.  “In case you need food, Dominique.”

Jesus fights the memory hard, of feeding Isaac chocolate pudding when he was chained in the basement.  “I think…” he says, deliberately slowing his own speech way down.  “We should all take deep breaths.”

They do that for a while, and eventually, Dominique reaches for the pudding and opens the foil at the top.  Dips the spoon in.  Takes a bite.

So, it’s not just him and Francesca watching Dominique eat, Jesus talks to Francesca about what happened, making sure she understands.

“So, before…” he ventures.

“You mean, like, when Levi started screaming about cookies and knocked a plate over?” Francesca asks.

“Right.  Do you get that he was triggered?”

“He was?” Francesca asks.  “Seemed like he just changed like The Incredible Hulk and got mad.  Levi-Smash.  You know?”

“Sometimes, when I get triggered, it can look like I’m mad, too.”

“Oh, like when you yelled at me that one time I was four. And I almost fell off the chair?”

Her words send a jolt of pain through him.  He hates that she can remember every moment he hurt her because of trauma.  “Right.  I acted mad.  But I was really covering up my scared feelings.”

“Was Levi?” Francesca asks.

“Maybe.  We really don’t know, and it’s not our business.” Jesus says.

“But why did he throw a plate on the floor?  That was kinda rude.” Francesca points out.

“It wasn’t the plate, it was the cookies…” Dominique offers softly.  She sounds here.  Like she’s with them again.  Not panicking.  “And the cookies were on the plate.  And Pearl wasn’t listening to Levi saying he wasn’t comfortable.”

“He literally never said that.” Francesca insists.

“No, but he asked questions, and she didn’t answer.  She didn’t respond to his body language.” Dominique points out.

“Oh, like when I was talking to him and he backed up?  And Mariana said that was because he was nervous.”

“Right,” Jesus nods.  “When people don’t respect us about what scares us?  That can make us act in ways that seem rude.”

Francesca taps buttons on her phone.  “Yeah, he probably just needed accommodations.  And respect because he’s a human.”

“So…  Does that make sense?  Are you guys okay?” Jesus asks.

“I think so,” Dominique says.

“Yep,” Francesca nods.  “And don’t worry.  I won’t ask Levi why he was being rude.”

“I’m sure that would help.  Thanks.  I’m gonna go find Mariana,” Jesus says, kissing Francesca’s head, and waving to Dominique.

“She’s inside,” Francesca gestures.

As he walks away, Jesus can hear Dominique asking lightly, “So…you just carry pudding around in there?”

“Yeah,” Francesca laughs.

“Is it, like, Trauma Pudding?  For people freaking out?” Dominique wonders.

“It was for whoever got hungry first. Like me.  Or whoever needed it.  Like Jesus, or you.”

Jesus smiles and walks inside.

–

Jesus finds his sis sitting on the couch in the living room.  It looks like she’s totally checked out, but chances are she’s tired.  Or thinking.  Or maybe, she actually  _is_  checked out.  He’s gotta ask to see where she’s at.  

“Hey,” he says.  “Can I?” Jesus gestures to the empty spot on the couch.

She nods.

“You good?” he checks.

Mariana shrugs.  “It’s hard.”

Jesus waits.

“All of this.  All of  _us_.  Hurting and hurting each other…”

“What do you mean?” Jesus asks.

“You were there, Jesus.  Pearl totally dismissed Levi.  It reminded me so much of that time, do you remember, when Moms were freaking out, and they didn’t even see that  _you_  were?”

“You mean  _here_ ,” Jesus clarifies.

“Yeah,” Mariana sighs.  “They made things so much harder on you.  It sucks to see that happening again.  I get that Pearl has her own stuff.  But we all have our own stuff.  You and I don’t talk to each other the way Pearl talked to him.”

“No, we don’t.” Jesus answers.

“I just hate seeing people not respected…” Mariana says.

“I know what you mean.  I hate it when I see it happening to you and Frankie…  I wish we could all just live together at Gateway or something.  All on the same floor.  And then we could have our own spaces but be there for each other, too.”

“You’re such a dreamer.  How?” Mariana leans into him.

“I guess I didn’t get to do it much as a kid.  So I’m doing it now.” Jesus ventures.

“Are  _you_  doing okay?” Mariana asks.

“Francesca whipped Chocolate Trauma Pudding out of her fanny pack…” Jesus ventures.  “An Isaac thing.”

“Ah.  The thing to remember about Trauma Pudding…” she shares softly, “is that it helps people.  Brings them back.”  

“It makes me remember being gone, though.” Jesus comments, letting his hopelessness show through, because it’s Mariana.  Because he doesn’t have to be Jesus, who’s had seven years of counseling and three years in support groups with her.  He can be Jesus, who gets sad about chocolate pudding.  And she doesn’t judge.

“I know.” Mariana says.  “You have a lot to feel…and you have a right to all of it.”

Jesus blinks back tears.  Swallows.  “God, what did I do to deserve you?”

“Nothing, I just appeared next to you.  Like magic.”  Jesus can hear her smile.  “And…I don’t think it was because we deserved each other…I think it’s because we needed each other.”

“That’s deep,” he comments.  “And super true.”

“Yeah, that’s me.  Dropping honesty-bombs and walking away to take naps,” Mariana stands and stretches.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“Okay, but we’re having Feelings Time at 12:30.”

“I’ll wake up when I hear the door opening and shutting for lunch a billion times.” Mariana reassures.

“Sleep tight.”

“Miss you,” Mariana says.  Their version of  _I love you_.

“Miss  _you_.” Jesus says back.

Seriously.  He is so glad he has his sister.

–

When Pearl comes back into the cabin, she looks grim.  

Jesus is still there, having cleaned up every bit of the cookie disaster and wiped up the floor.  It was okay.  It’s been interesting realizing that his cleaning-panic is really not a thing when he’s not around his parents or any other adult authority.  It makes him feel like he’s got a handle on this.

He stands up from the table, questions on his face.

“He told me,” Pearl admits, her voice matter-of-fact.

“And?”  Jesus prompts.  “Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay.  But I’m not shocked.  I lived with her for 24 years of my life.  I know the type of person she is.”  

“Okay.  Yeah, that makes sense,” Jesus nods.

“That doesn’t mean I’m  _happy_  about any of this, but…” she shrugs.  “I think Levi thought if I knew, I’d kick him out.  Or I wouldn’t believe him or something…” Pearl ventures, confused.

“Parental loyalty’s a big thing.  No matter how crappy they are.  They’re still your parent.  Even if they hurt you.  Even if it was bad.  Or hurt someone you love?  Some part of you still loves them.  At least it’s been that way for me.”

“With Ana?” Pearl guesses.

“And Stef and Lena,” he admits.  “Whatever else they’ve done, Stef’s always gonna be the one who took us home from the police station.  She’s always gonna be the one who came and got me in LA.  That’s what makes parents’ mess with our minds so much.  They do good things sometimes.  It totally makes sense to me that Levi’s nervous you’d choose your mom’s side over his…just because she’s your mom, you know?”

Pearl sighs, blinking back tears.  “This really sucks…” she admits.

Jesus sits down across from her at the table again.  “It does.  And I know you’ve got a lot going on right now.  So, you need to remember to take care of you.  However that looks.  Levi’s got us, if you need to go do self-care.  And you’ve got us, too.”

“How could I…have had no idea?” Pearl asks.  “Am I  _that_  clueless?”

“I mean…I was around tons of people over those four and a half years.  None of them suspected a thing, either.  Because on one side, I had Him threatening me.  And on the other side?   _I_  felt blamed.  For what was happening.  I didn’t get it.  I just knew I’d been targeted.  So I felt like,  _Nobody can ever know_.”

“So…my mom didn’t want me to know, obviously.  About any of this.  Not my father.  Not Levi.  And not that she  _hurt_  Levi.  So, she just lied to all of us and kept us separated.  And meanwhile Levi…” her voice breaks.

Jesus comes around the table.  Opens his arms and waits, in case Pearl wants to stand up.  Take this hug.

She does.

He holds onto her.  Doesn’t say anything.  After a bit, he pulls back.  “I’m gonna go check in with Levi.  You okay here?”

Pearl nods.  “I might go home and do some self care…or fall asleep.  Trauma exhausts me.”

“Well, we’ve got Feelings Laundry after lunch.  Maybe 12:30?  So give yourself time.  But we’ll come by for you in time for feelings.”

“Okay,” Pearl nods.  “Tell Levi I didn’t abandon him?”

“Wanna come out with me?  Let him know yourself?” Jesus asks.

–

Levi’s lying on the dock, staring at his reflection in the surface of the lake.  Sometimes he catches sight of fish.  It’s mesmerizing in a good way.

“Hey, Levi?”

He hears Pearl’s voice from a distance, and waves.

“I’m not abandoning you.  I’m just going home for a bit.  I’ll be back for Feelings Laundry after lunch.  Need anything?”

He watches Jesus tell her something and then hears her call again:  “Jesus mentioned your headphones and laptop.  So I’ll bring those back.  And more clothes.”

He gives her a thumbs up.  Not about to keep yelling.  He turns his attention back to the water.  

But Levi feels it when somebody starts walking down the dock.  

“Just me,” Jesus says.  “Wanted to come and check in.  You okay?”

“She tell you I told her?” Levi asks.

“She did.”  Jesus sits in the chair.  “What’s up?”

“Just fish,” Levi says flatly, staring.

“Yeah…sometimes it helps to focus on something else…  Cookies are all cleaned up.”

Levi stiffens.

“I packed them in my suitcase.  So long as you don’t go in there, you should be in the clear.”

“She reminds me of her…” Levi whispers.

“Yeah,” Jesus nods.  “That’s tough.”

“She did the thing again, too.  Where she believes you, not me,” Levi adds.  His voice still has zero expression.  It’s probably gone from all of the screaming.

“About you being triggered?” Jesus asks.

Levi nods.  “I was trying to tell her the same thing, but she blew me off.”

“Yeah, dude, that’s not right.” Jesus says darkly.

“It makes me feel like you’re more important to her.  Like your word matters more.  And mine…just…doesn’t.  Like nothing I say holds any weight ‘til she hears it from you.” Levi sighs.

“Can you talk to her about it?” Jesus asks.

“I tried.  A little.  And she apologized.  But, I don’t know.  I’m really worried that once you guys all go home, she’ll go back to dismissing me.” Levi mumbles.

“That’s valid,” Jesus says.  “Listen, you wanna come hang out with Frankie and Dominique for a bit?”

“Why?” Levi wonders.

“Because isolating yourself is dangerous.  Take it from someone who’s been there.” Jesus advises gently.

But Levi’s not ready to move yet.  “You said…trauma stuff really ramped up…when you were 9?”

Jesus nods.

“Was it the same as mine?  Like privately messing with you?” Levi checks.

“Among other things, yeah…” Jesus confirms.

“I was 8,” Levi shares.  “Did you…ever feel…like because you were a boy…you should’ve been…I don’t know…stronger?  Fought back?”

“I thought…I’d be in trouble.  I just froze.” Jesus confides.  “People don’t talk about that reaction.  You hear about fight or flight.  But what if you can’t do either?”

Levi’s torn his attention away from the fish.  He’s sitting with his back to the water, focused on Jesus.  

“Yeah, really…” Levi mutters.

“So sometimes, we freeze.  That’s just as valid a reaction.  I think it’s basic.  Like biological.  How animals go still so predators don’t see them and kill them.  For us, they still see us, but it’s how we stay alive.  If we tried to run or fight?  I don’t know…in my experience, that always made it worse.”

“I feel weak,” Levi admits.  “Like, I should’ve just taken it…”

“Do you think  _I’m_  weak?  That  _I_  should’ve just taken it?  I was a little kid just like you.  A little boy,” Jesus takes out his phone.

Levi thinks maybe they’re done talking until he holds it out.  On the screen, there’s a picture of Jesus and Mariana in front of a brown house.  Backpacks on.  Smiling.

“This was me, three days before it happened.” Jesus tells Levi.

Levi finds himself zooming in on little Jesus.  He really is just a kid.  It’s a typical first-day-of-school picture.  Jesus and Mariana are smiling, but don’t seem particularly happy about going to school.

“She took video of me.  After, you know?” Levi doesn’t add that he has it saved on his old phone from third grade.  The one he told his parents he lost after that time at Carla’s.  He doesn’t say he still has the SIM card.  That he keeps the phone in a small locked box buried in his messy closet at Pearl’s.  That he has the key on him always.

Jesus nods, like somehow, he gets this, too.

“Before she cleaned up, she walked through the house showing everywhere I’d gotten mud.  Showing my dirty jeans.  Finally, showing me, just sitting in the bathroom on the closed toilet.  In her robe.  It was so embarrassing.  She made me look at the camera and told me, ‘ _I want you to remember just the way you are_.’  The scariest part is I don’t even remember her taking it.  I just remember checking my phone when it pinged and…it was there.  She gave me my clothes back, and I tucked my phone in my pocket but told Dad I lost it.”

“Yeah, I have a huge picture and video trigger.  I don’t deal with anybody filming me or taking my pic without letting me know first.” Jesus says.  It makes Levi feel a little better.  Like he’s not totally weird.

“I never could figure out why I hate pictures so much…” Levi ventures.  “And video.”

“Yeah.  That would do it.” Jesus nods.

“Dominique asked me first, though.” Levi remembers.  

“Yeah, we’re good about asking each other, usually.  But I can always bring that it’s a thing for me up at Feelings Time or whatever.  If you want, you can nod or agree.  Or you don’t have to say anything.”

“Can I ask you something? About this?” Levi gestures vaguely at himself.

Jesus nods.

“How do you stop feeling disgusting?” Levi looks at him, honest, but then looks away.

“One shower at a time,” Jesus says ruefully.  “No, actually showers suck.  But…reminding myself it wasn’t something that happened  _because_  I’m me…but that it was something done  _to me_.  You wouldn’t blame kid-me.  So don’t blame kid-you.”

“Thanks, I’ll try,” Levi manages.

Jesus extends a hand to help Levi up.  They walk to solid ground together.


	33. Chapter 33

Francesca can’t eat her lunch of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich fast enough.  Because they’re finally having Feelings Time.  It feels like it’s been forever, since Levi took himself away.  Since they really talked to each other for real, all of them, together.

It’s different because they’re having it after lunch not dinner, but Levi works during dinner today.  (It’s not fair that she doesn’t get to go to the grocery store again with Dominique, but they all say that’s way too late for her to be out.  And Levi wants her to not get exhausted again.)

Mariana gets up from her super long nap.  She looks like Anna does from  _Frozen_ , with her hair all messy, except without the drool.  Francesca doesn’t laugh.

“Oh, I promised Pearl we’d make sure she knew to come back over.” Jesus says.

“I’ll go!” Francesca volunteers.  Now that she’s gone to that cabin once with Dominique, she knows it’s not tricky hard.

“Thanks, Francesca.  We’ll keep an eye on you,” Jesus nods.

“I’ll be back super fast!  Promise!” Francesca’s out the door, and going across the grass before he can say anything else.  

All the curtains are pulled closed, so it looks like nobody’s home, but Francesca knocks anyway.

“Pearl?  It’s Francesca from next door!” she calls.  “You still want to come over for Feelings Time?” she asks, the same way she does for Dominique.  In case Pearl likes to know who it is a little ahead, for accommodations.

It takes 34 seconds for the door to open.  Pearl looks like she’s been crying.

“Hold on.  I have to remember to grab some of Levi’s stuff…” she remembers.

“Are you kicking him out?” Francesca asks, concerned.  “Because he yelled at you and threw your cookies on the floor?”

“No.  It’s not like that…  I just…forgot some of the stuff he likes to have with him.”

“Why do you have to get it?” Francesca asks.

“I don’t have to.  I’m helping him out.  Big sister thing,” Pearl says.

“I can carry some,” Francesca offers.  Pearl gives her Levi’s headphones to carry.  Pearl carries the laptop and charger for it.  She has a black backpack over her shoulder.

“You’re having feelings before Feelings Time,” Francesca observes.  

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Pearl nods.

“Don’t worry.  It’ll be Feelings Time soon.  We’ll all help.” Francesca says.  “Avoiders thing.”

“Wait… _I’m_  an Avoider?” Pearl asks, shocked.

“Well, you  _are_  really good at avoiding mean people.” Francesca observes.  “Just maybe…” she trails off.  It’s not Honesty Hour or Truth Time or any of those yet.  Pearl might not be ready.  Besides, she’s already crying.

“Maybe, what?” Pearl asks.  She stops walking.

“Work on being a safe person some more?” Francesca asks it like a question so it might not hurt as much.

“What do you mean?”  Pearl asks.

Francesca thinks about how to say it without mentioning anything about Levi.  Because he was triggered and even though it happened in front of people, he probably doesn’t want anybody talking about it behind his back.

Sitting down at the picnic table so she can think and talk without worrying about standing still and keeping her balance, Francesca bites her lip.  “Sometimes, I say something and my moms don’t listen to me.”

“Okay…” Pearl ventures.

“Like, this one time I failed a math test at school.  Mama made me show her.  She and Mom got really mad and I tried to explain I can’t do math.  They still took my phone away.  Said I couldn’t study with Jesus anymore and I was grounded from going to his apartment.”

Pearl’s listening.  Looking concerned.

“But Mariana sent a text to Jesus and Dominique and they came.  But like…Jesus talked to Moms about my math thing.  How it’s hard.  And once he did?  They were like, ‘Oh, Francesca, we talked to Jesus.  You’re not grounded anymore.”

“I’m sorry that happened…but I’m not sure I follow.” Pearl admits.

“It hurts when somebody you love…like…needs another person’s word…in order to even believe what you say.  Like, when my moms couldn’t just believe that I was telling them the truth about math.”

“You’re drawing a parallel,” Pearl says slowly.  

Francesca sighs.  “I just  _said_  I’m really bad at math…”

“No, I mean…  You’re using your own example to tell me about how I’m dismissing Levi.  Right?”

“I’m just saying, I know how that feels.  And it hurts.  So maybe you should…I don’t know…practice not needing Jesus to tell you Levi’s stuff is true?  Because it’s probably hurting Levi.”

Francesca watches as Pearl takes a deep breath.  And then says, “Noted.”

“Sorry.  Did I give you too much realness?” Francesca wonders, cringing.

“No, I’m a fan of the realness.  I appreciate your perspective.  That you’re willing to try to help me improve.”

“Yup.  We should probably go in.  I don’t wanna miss Feelings Time again.” Francesca says.  She gets up, Levi’s headphones still around her neck.  

Pearl holds the door.  

Francesca walks in.  Hands Levi his headphones.  Offers him a hug.

“What’s this for?” he asks, hugging her back.

“Because…” she says, all her words stuck behind the lump in her throat.  She wants to say  _because I know how it feels - part of what you fee_ l.  He smells like the Zest bar soap Grandpa always kept in bulk in the bathroom.  Levi’s hair’s wet, too.  Like he just took another shower besides the one this morning.

“Well, thank you,” Levi says, squeezing her tight, and letting go.  “I’ll always take a just because hug…except if not…”

He looks embarrassed, but Francesca gets it.  Sometimes she feels like hugging and sometimes not.  “Right, because boundaries.”

“Yeah…” he says.

They sit down.  Jesus says he’s been thinking about something for a while.  

“What?” Francesca wonders.

“Well, we’ve had a lot going on lately, and I know it’s not gonna get any easier.  And I know when that happens, it can be hard to talk to each other.  So I was thinking, maybe we draw instead?  Or write if that’s more your thing.”  He pauses because Mariana needs lots of pauses.  “So, we’ll take some time to write or do art…and then…I don’t know.  Maybe pick one person to share your thing with.  Talk to them about it.”

“What if the other person picked somebody else to share back with, and doesn’t want to share back with you?” Francesca wonders.  “It’s their right because of consent?”

“Very good,” Jesus smiles.  “Everybody has the right to pick who they share with.  So two people may pick each other.  Or not.  Or if you wanna share with all of us, you can do that, too.  I have art stuff I can bring to the table.”

Francesca sits between Pearl and Levi.  “I’m making a birthday card for my mom.”

“I thought Jesus said…” Pearl starts and then she stops.  She seems like she’s thinking.  “Why are you doing that?”

“Because it’s her birthday, and I wanna tell her stuff.  About my feelings.” Francesca shares.

Jesus brings out the colored pencils.  That’s all they have for art stuff.  Not as good as markers but they’ll work.

Francesca bites her lip:

Draws a heart.  Writes:

_Happy birthday, Mom!_

Inside, she keeps going:

_Thank you for letting me go on this trip.  I love getting to spend time with my friends.  But some things make me sad, to.  Like, how all of them are good at or working on being safe people.  I do not think you and Mama are safe people. I feel bad when I’m around you bc you make me feel like you wish I was different.  Can you please work on being safe to?  I love you.  Love, Francesca_

–

Mariana’s still trying to get a start on what she’s doing, when Francesca comes and stands next to her.  Whispers in her ear:

“I made this for Mom, but…maybe I should make a different one?” Francesca worries.

Mariana stands up and walks to the living room where it’s a little quieter.  She takes her time reading.  Her eyebrows raise.

“Wow,” she says.  “That’s really honest.  I’d be scared to be that honest.”

“Because Mom would get mad if I gave her that…” Francesca says, knowingly.

“I mean, it’s definitely a possibility.  What do you think about…cutting this in half?  The Happy Birthday half?  You can just sign the back.  And the letter?  Maybe give to her separately…not as part of her birthday.  But in front of people.”

“For safety,” they chorus.  

“So, I’m gonna go do more Feelings Art.” Francesca says.  “Thanks for helping me.”

“Of course…”

When Francesca walks away, Mariana takes some time to think.  She has an idea in no time, but getting it down on paper will be almost impossible. She’s not an artist.  But what she sees is an image.

She walks back to the kitchen.  Sits down between Jesus and Dominique.

Even though she tries not to, Mariana catches a glimpse of Jesus’s sketch.  It steals her breath.  Her brother is so talented, and Mariana’s idea feels small next to Jesus’s deep and real picture.  But she tells herself that her own ideas are valid.

She pulls a sheet of paper close and writes Jesus a note:

_Can you draw me something when you’re done?_

Jesus glances at her note, and nods.

“Give me a minute,” he says.

–

Jesus can’t tear himself away from his sketch yet.  He’s got to stay with it until it’s all out.  

Even though he brought out the colored pencils, he’s only using four of them and a regular pencil.

He slides closer to Mariana so she can see.  So she can be with him in this.  

Jesus just has a couple more details.  Has to add the color.  When he’s done, they can both see what he’s drawn:

Pieces of the basement at the top of the page, faded in the background.  (The Pole.  Chains.)  Below that?  Isaac’s eyes.  Jesus feels terrible that he’s not able to get the gray color right.  So he had just stuck with pencil.  Just tried to remember every detail.  Made sure tear tracks were visible on his face through the dirt there.

Dominating most of the picture is Jesus’s best attempt at recreating the can of Sprite.  The chocolate pudding.

Only the food has color.

After he and Mari look at what he’s drawn for a while, Jesus is ready to bring Mariana’s idea to life.  Following her lead, her words, her feelings, he draws a really human-looking Elsa.  A snowstorm is alive around her.  Icicles might as well be stakes sticking upward out of the ground.

“Like this?”  Jesus asks.

“Yeah.  Like that,” Mariana nods, looking relieved.  “Glad our twinbrain is working…”

“Me, too,” he nods.  “Hey, uh, is this because of everybody hurting…and hurting each other?” Jesus asks, remembering their earlier conversation.

“Yeah.  Pretty much.”  Mariana reaches over to his sketchbook.  Flips a page back.  “Is this because of trauma pudding sadness?” she asks gently, gesturing to the page with Isaac’s eyes.

“Yeah,” Jesus echoes, clearing his throat.  “Pretty much.”

–

Dominique sits, thinking, for a long time, before she puts pen to paper.  When she does, words pour out.  She writes each one carefully, guarding her sheet of paper from curious eyes.

But no one’s watching.

Good.

–

Pearl struggles with what to say to Levi.  She knows she has to tell him something.  Feels it in her gut.  But what words would even begin to heal the damage that she has done?  

There are no words to fix or cure what her mother has done, and Pearl is not looking for those.  Levi deserves more than that.

Finally, Pearl breathes.  Stokes Cleo, asleep in her lap, and gets to work:

_Dear Levi,_

_So, I’ve been told by a certain wise 11-year-old that I need to work on being a safe person.  I have never considered whether I was or wasn’t.  I always considered myself trustworthy, but never thought about whether I was safe.  I want you to know your word does matter to me.  And I am seriously going to work on not needing to hear it backed up by Jesus or Francesca (who did not discuss you, but used examples from her own life to share about how exactly she knew I was hurting your feelings) or anyone else before I believe you.  I know how damaging it is to not be believed and the last thing I want to do is hurt you.  I am so sorry I have.  I’ll understand if it takes a while for you to choose to open up to me, but if you do want to, I’m here._

_I love you._

_Pearl_

Pearl folds the letter.  Asks Francesca to pass it to Levi.  She does, curious, but not peeking.  

Levi takes it.  Reads.  Nods at her.  Tucks the note in his pocket and goes back to his own thing.

Pearl sighs.  Hopefully, this is at least a step in the right direction.

–

Levi’s staring at a blank page, when a paper gets nudged to him by Dominique.  

She’s not looking at him.  It’s as if she didn’t do anything at all.  Even though Francesca’s busy coloring with most of the colored pencils, Levi makes sure he reads what Dominique gives him under the table, so there’s no chance of anybody else reading over his shoulder:

_I cannot_  
Consume  
Enough  
Light  
Air  
Breath  
To counteract  
The death  
Still fresh  
My soul  
Reduced  
To incense  
Burned bits  
Barely lit  
Enormous  
Insufficience   
Here and now  
But  
I  
Never  
Left

Levi turns over the paper.  Writes a response.  (There’s this Black poet, Gwendolyn Brooks.  He’s read exactly one of her poems.  But the style of it speaks to Levi on the deepest level.)  He hopes Dominique won’t feel disrespected, but heard.  Seen.  Believed.

_I am fire.  I’m_

_A liar.  I’m_

_Rude boy.  I’m_

_Lost joy.  I’m_

_With you.  I’m_

_Death, too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dominique's poem was written by my sister.


	34. Chapter 34

Dominique glances up at Levi, surprised.  He’s nodding out the window, in the direction of the dock.  She gets up.  Goes with him. **  
**

She can’t break the habit of scanning for Pearl’s mom, and Levi can’t either, it seems.  Both are watchful, until they are fully obscured by the huge white dock chair.

“Did I…” Levi starts out, hesitantly.  “Did I offend you?”

“No.”  Dominique blinks, surprised.  “Why would you say that?”

“Because, I took your poem and made it about me,” he says, matter of fact.

“You responded to it.  Said you’re with me.  That’s not selfish,” she points out.

“I really related to it,” Levi confesses.  “Like, before I read your poem?  I couldn’t write anything.  And God knows I can’t draw.”

“So, you’re not gonna use it against me?” Dominique checks.  “Like, later?  Since I shared with you?  Is it…I don’t know…gonna come back to bite me?”

“I don’t exploit my friends,” Levi tells her plainly.

“So, no?” Dominique asks.

“So, never,” Levi confirms.

“You really think you’re rude?  A liar?  All those things you said?” she checks.

“Well yeah,” he says, plainly.  “There’s got to be a reason that happened to me.  Those seem like pretty good ones.”

“Or maybe….” Dominique ventures.  “You were just a little boy.  And making a mess or whatever happened, doesn’t justify what was done to you.”

“And maybe your soul’s not just dying embers.  Maybe you’re full of light,” Levi returns, looking out at the water.

“There’s more to it.” Dominique blinks back tears, stunned.  Swallows the emotion she’s feeling, even though it goes against Feelings Time.  

“I’m listening if you wanna share. No pressure,” Levi says.

Dominique takes a breath.  Another.  Another.  Somehow, she can still feel smoke choking her.  Even out here in all of this natural air.

She shakes her head.

“It  _feels_  personal, though.” Levi says, bringing the conversation back to the poem.  Back to reasons for what happened to him.

“That’s because it  _is_ ,” Dominique answers.  “I’m not saying that it’s not totally valid to feel like we’re the reason.  But the fact is?  What happened to us, would’ve never happened…if people around us didn’t make it happen. If you’re looking for a reason, Levi, it’s them.  It’s her.”

“I know,” he nods.  And you don’t owe me anymore to your story than you want to share.  And I’m never gonna exploit you,” he reminds her.

“We gotta take Francesca down here with us before we have to go.  I promised her.” Dominique says, changing the subject.

“Okay,” Levi confirms,  “So…you’re really not mad I wrote all over your poem?”

“I feel…like your poem completes mine, in a way.  No, I’m not mad.  If you took it and wrote something unrelated, or irreverant, or silly?  Then, I’d be upset, but even then I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“I worry about women’s tempers…” Levi confides.  

“And I worry about men’s…” Dominique echoes her own feelings.

“It’s not normal.  It’s super weird,” Levi insists.

“It’s normal for us, though.  Given your experience, it makes 100% sense that you worry about women’s reactions.  Just like it makes sense for me to feel like I do.”

“Pearl gave me a thing.” Levi confides.  “I don’t know how to respond.”

“Hmm…” Dominique hums.

“I feel like it’s supposed to be genuine but I keep side-eyeing it…  She’s like, trying to make up for dismissing me.  Telling me I matter and stuff.  But it’s like, if  I really matter, then show me.  You know?”

“Maybe tell her that when we go back in?” Dominique encourages.

“Maybe.”

–

For Pearl, it’s much easier to focus on the present moment than it is to think about this day 22 years ago, as the last day she was her former self.  The last day she wasn’t irrevocably changed.

It’s also beyond hard that Levi and Dominique seem to always prefer to go off just the two of them and discuss things in private.  It hurts that he doesn’t yet trust Pearl that way, even if it makes total sense.

Speaking of, here comes Levi now.  He hands her a piece of paper, folded.  

Curious, Pearl opens it and her heart falls.  It’s her own letter to him.  At the bottom, he’s scrawled:

_You keep telling me I matter but the way you treat me doesn’t match.  Don’t just tell me I matter.  Show me, by taking me seriously.  I really need that._

Pearl folds the letter wondering when every single thing will stop feeling like rejection.  Levi’s not even keeping her own letter.

“Does anybody wanna share their stuff they made?  Or any feelings?” Jesus asks.

Pearl crosses her arms.  Then, looks at Francesca and remembers her telling Pearl she should practice being a safe person.  She wonders what that looks like.

“Francesca brought up being a safe person with me…” she ventures.  “I guess I’d like to know…what does that look like for you guys?”  Pearl’s got her pen poised to take notes.

“No sharing private information, like what we talk about at Avoidance,” Francesca offers.

“When somebody tells you something…believe them,” Levi adds, quiet.  “Don’t dismiss it because you don’t understand.”

“Ask questions if you don’t understand,” Mariana adds.

Pearl’s rushing to keep up.

“Respect boundaries,” Dominique says, and Pearl can feel her gaze.

“And take responsibility,” Jesus adds in a soft tone that still, somehow, makes Pearl glance up.  “Remember that we’re responsible to and for each other.  So, respect, communicate, clarify…and if you mess up?  Apologize.  And mean it.”

“I’m sorry for leaving,” Levi speaks up before Pearl can, surprising her.  He’s looking at the grain of the table top.  “And I’m sorry for yelling and making a big deal about the cookies.”

“Levi.”  Jesus says.  “What are you doing right now?”

Levi glances up at Jesus.  “What do you mean?  I’m taking responsibility.  So you guys all know I’m safe or whatever.”

“It sounds a little bit like…compliance,” Dominique says gently.

“What’s that?”  Levi’s eyes are full of questions.

(Pearl wonders if he’s searching his brain for what compliance could mean.  Coming up against a single context for the word.  Work at the store, when somebody went overtime without taking breaks.  Even though, it always bothered Pearl because that struck her as  _non_ compliance.)

“Obedience,” Dominique clarifies.  “Sounds like you might be quick to follow any kind of command or suggestion.”

“Because maybe he doesn’t wanna get kicked out of our group….” Francesca offers, distracted by coloring.  “If he doesn’t follow all the rules.  That’s what I use to think.”

“But what’d you learn about that?” Dominique asks.  “Can you share with Levi?”

“That…being in our friend group doesn’t mean you have to never make a mistake.  If you make a mistake, it’s okay.  If you’re still learning something, it’s okay.  Oh, you guys, we forgot consent for being safe people.  Pearl, write that down.  Consent is asking first before you touch or come into somebody’s space or sometimes if it’s okay to ask a question about somebody’s trauma, instead of, you know, just asking and surprising them.”

“So, what’s wrong with that?” Levi asks Dominique honestly.

“With…” Dominique ventures.

“Being compliant?” Levi clarifies.

“It’s a sign that you might be dealing with trauma…” she offers.  “Because in friendship…we don’t have to obey each other.  Nobody has power over anybody else.”

Levi shrugs.  “I just wanna do the right thing…”

“But there’s  _not_  really,” Mariana allows.  “Like, there’s honesty.  There’s what’s true for you.”

“But what if I don’t want to?” Levi asks.

“That’s your right,” Jesus reminds him.  

“Yeah, you can say no, or not share, and we won’t make you or ignore you,” Francesca insists.

Pearl doesn’t miss it, when Levi slides a glance her way.

“Levi…” she says, trying not to sigh.  “You don’t have to do everything right.  You can make mistakes.  I know I didn’t make you feel safe earlier today when I mishandled your trigger.  I am sorry about that.  I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you directly.  I should have recognized you were upset.  I should have respected your boundaries.”

“But why is it wrong to do what people want?” Levi asks.  “Especially if it makes sense.  My leaving scared you, Francesca.  It probably scared all of you.  Why wouldn’t I apologize for that?  Or for losing it and knocking cookies on the floor and screaming?”

“It’s  _why_  you’re apologizing,” Dominique explains.

“Why am I apologizing?” Levi asks, confused.

Dominique takes a slow deep breath.  Levi does, too.  (So does Pearl.)

“I have a question.  Are you cool with that?” Dominique asks.

Levi nods.

“You don’t have to say yes,” she tells him.

“I’m not.  I wanna know.”

“Okay.  When you apologized, was it fear-based?” Dominique questions.

Levi blinks.  “I’m sorry?”

“You started in immediately.  Right on the end of what Jesus said about taking responsibility.  I’m just saying…that can be a sign of stress.  Or fear.”

“I don’t wanna do the wrong thing.  Now, it sounds like I was wrong to apologize,” Levi lays his forehead on the table.

“Hey, Levi?”  Jesus says.  “Try not to shut down right now, okay?”

“I’m not,” Levi denies flatly, his forehead still against the table.

“You feel like you’re doing the wrong thing?” Pearl asks.

Levi doesn’t move.  Doesn’t say anything.

“I bet that feels scary,” Pearl offers, sympathetic.

“It’s fine,” he denies, his voice still expressionless.

“Or maybe it feels normal?” Pearl tries again.

“Levi,” Dominique says, and he glances up.  “Hey.  It’s Dominique.  It’s us.  We’re friends.  We’re not gonna hurt you.  Even if you do the wrong thing.”

Still, Levi barely reacts, except to slightly bite the inside of his lip.

“You don’t have to answer any questions you’re not comfortable with.” Dominique continues.

“I just…don’t understand.” Levi admits.  “And nobody’s telling me.”

“Because…” Dominique starts out deliberately.  “If you’re answering questions…out of fear…or responding…out of fear…or apologizing…out of fear…that could mean you’re triggered.  That could mean…you don’t feel safe.  And we…as your friends…never want you to feel…like you need to give us answers, responses or apologies…because you feel…like we might hurt you…if you don’t.”

“Less…” Levi manages.

“Less?” Dominique echoes.

“I need less…words…” he manages.

“You don’t have to do things that scare you…” Pearl begins, pausing as Dominique had.  “….In order to protect yourself from our reaction.  Our reaction?  Will always be…to protect you.”

Levi looks about to lay his head back on the table when Francesca slides a paper over to him.  “Wanna do my maze?” she asks.

Silently, he accepts a blue colored pencil, and starts completing the simple task.  Slowly.

“Still need less,” he manages.  Pearl’s close enough that she hears him sniff.

“Levi?  It’s Jesus.  Can you listen to my voice while you do that?” he checks.

Absently, Levi nods.

“You’re not in danger right now,” Jesus tells him calmly.

Levi glances up sharply.  Meets Jesus’s eyes.  The look is intense.

“Breathe.  You’re okay,” Jesus insists.

Mariana nudges her apple hand sanitizer Levi’s direction.  He opens it.  Smells it.  That seems to help him breathe.

“I am, though.” Levi says, after a pause.

“You are, what?” Jesus asks.

Levi shrugs.

“We have time,” Dominique encourages.  “Take your time.”

“In danger…” he manages.  “Of…being left.”

“You’re in danger of being left?” Dominique echoes, her voice sympathetic.

He nods.  “I have to do what people want.  Or else,” he shrugs.  “They hurt me.  Or they leave.”

“We have to leave on Monday, to go back to California.  But not because we want to,” Francesca explains.  “We don’t  _want to_  leave you.  It’s not because you did anything wrong.  It’s just how life is.  Hold on.  I’m making you another map,” Francesca tells him.

Pearl watches, interested, as Francesca carefully draws a path on a piece of paper.  

“How do you spell Levi?” Francesca asks.

“L-E-V-I,” Levi spells, his voice soft.

She writes Levi at the top of the maze.  Then Pearl near him.  Then a bunch of squares.  Then at the bottom right, she writes her own name, followed by Jesus, Dominique and Mariana.

“What’s this?” he asks, when Francesca pushes it toward him.

“Us, and those are Avoidance picnic tables.  So whenever we need each other we can just meet at one of those.”

“But I can’t…” Levi manages.  “I can’t lose you guys.”

Pearl’s stunned to see his tears.  His upset that runs so deep.  It’s no surprise, really, given everything he’s dealing with.  Francesca stops what she’s doing.  “Do you need my arms?” she asks.

But he crosses his.  “No.”

“You don’t have to do everything right,” Pearl offers.  “To avoid getting hurt.  Or getting left.  I understand having a sister is new.  And it hasn’t been the best experience so far, but you are stuck with me.  In a good way.  I’m not leaving you.  Unless you want me to.”

“I don’t,” Levi manages.

“I don’t want you to go either.  And I promise I’m going to get better at not hurting your feelings.  About taking you seriously.”

“You have to prove it,” Levi says, his voice shaking.

“Right, I know.  Being a safe person isn’t a given,” she nods.  “I do have to prove it.”

“Is it okay…” Levi starts, after a pause, glancing at Dominique.  “…if I’m still afraid?”

“Yes.  It’s okay.” she tells him.  “It makes sense.”

Pearl pays attention to the words Dominique uses.  How she avoids telling him all of them are scared, too.  But instead keeps her answer short (out of respect for his requests for less words) and to the point.  She validates his feelings and leaves room for him to speak again.

“If I mess up…what will you do?” Levi asks.

Pearl tries not to flinch at his direct eye contact.  At the fact that this is a question for her.  

“If you mess up…I’ll help you.  I’ll help you fix whatever’s broken.”

“And what if…I’m the mess…” Levi croaks.  “You can’t fix me…”

“No, I can’t,” Pearl shakes her head, sadly.  “But I can love you.  If you’re the mess, I’ll love you.”

“It’s hard to believe that…” Levi admits, hoarse.  “But you believe  _me_?”

“I do.  Yes.  I believe you,” Pearl tells him.

He nods a little.  And it feels - plank by plank - like a shaky bridge is being built between them.


	35. Chapter 35

“Before we go, I just wanted to mention…tomorrow and Sunday are Trauma Weekend for me…” Pearl ventures.

“What’s that?” Francesca wonders, glancing up from her drawing.  

“It means…it’s the anniversary of when my trauma happened.  So, things are probably gonna be harder for me.”  Pearl glances at Jesus.  “It would help, I think, for you guys to be aware of that.  And, maybe to check in?  Ask how I am?  But don’t ask about what happened directly. Please.”

“Oh, you mean traumaversary,” Francesca fills in.

“Wait.  There’s a term for it?” Pearl asks.

“Well, in my family, there is,” Dominique offers.  “We have cake.”

Pearl raises her eyebrows, incredulous.  “Why?”

“It helps.  I don’t know.  It takes something powerfully negative and just turns it into power.  Doesn’t have to be cake.  Doesn’t have to be anything.  You do you.  Just putting it out there, if you want advice.”

“I do, yes,” Pearl nods.  “I’ll take any advice I can get.”

“You can watch movies you like.  Read.  Or just talk to us, as needed.  It’s really up to you.  The key is, to treat yourself gently.  Trauma’s hard enough on you.  It doesn’t need your help adding to it…” Dominique shares.

“Hmm…” Pearl muses.  She’s beginning to see why Levi likes hanging out with Dominique.

“I don’t like celebrating mine,” Jesus shares with the group.  “Because it was pretty scary.  I just like it to be as close to a regular day as it can be.  But I like people to ask about how I am, too, like Pearl.”

“And I…I’ve only had one.  And Moms made it really awkward at dinner.  Said how glad they were I was alive and stuff…” Mariana bristles.

“So, they made your anniversary about them?” Pearl asks.

“Yeah.  It was really awkward,” Francesca adds.  “And then they yelled at you in the car on the way home, remember?”

“Yeah,” Mariana sighs.

“I didn’t think it was a big deal if you didn’t go to my concert.  You could see it on YouTube later.  But Moms thought it was a big deal…”

“They said I made them feel guilty…like…not wanting to be in the car that day.  It made  _them_  feel like the bad guys.” Mariana mutters.

“Well, they  _were_ ,” Francesca insists.

“Anyway…I don’t have any advice because my first one was terrible.  So…sorry…” Mariana says.

“Hey, the first one is brutal,” Jesus offers.

“What if…you can’t remember yours?” Levi hesitates.  “Just an age.  Maybe a time of year?  But maybe not?”

“Maybe you count the time it started being a thing?” Dominique asks.  “April-something?”

“Great.  So I stole your birthday and now I stole your trauma month?” Levi sighs, sending a regretful look Pearl’s way.

“Hey.  You didn’t steal anything from me.  You  _gave_  me something.  I  _get_ to share our birthday.  Now, I get to share our trauma month.  It’s good.  You know, not to be alone with it.”

“I don’t have a trauma month,” Francesca observes, still drawing.

“That’s a good thing, buddy.  We don’t want you to have to have a trauma month.  They’re a scary deal,” Jesus says.  “And we don’t want you to be scared.”

“Hey guys, what are we gonna do for your birthday?” Francesca asks, looking at Levi and Pearl.

Pearl glances at Levi.  “That’s a couple months away,” she tells Francesca.

“So we have two months to plan,” Francesca says happily.

“I appreciate that you wanna plan something, but right now I really need to focus on getting through the next couple days.” Pearl says gently.

“And I have to focus on going to work…which I hate…” Levi rants.

“Hey, I’m coming as backup,” Dominique says.  “Maybe even dressed as Kaz this time,” she smiles.

“And I can go,” Jesus offers.  “I mean, if you guys want.”

“You’d come?” Pearl asks.  “What if Gary recognizes you again?” she asks, thinking back to the last time she and Jesus went shopping at SuperOne together years ago.  Pearl had had no idea Jesus was so recognizable.

“He can borrow my Sadness costume…” Dominique jokes.

“Yeah, being blue wouldn’t make me stick out at all…” Jesus laughs.

“Seriously.  Do you want to take my car?” Pearl asks.  “That way you too have an option for driving around, but staying really local.”

“Nobody has to go,” Levi sighs. “I mean,  _I_  do.  But you guys don’t.  I don’t want a repeat of yesterday with everybody having a terrible time because of me.  Just stay.  It’s safer.”

“But not for you,” Pearl insists.  “And I want you to be safe.  As safe as you can be.  You know if that damn store wasn’t ground zero for my trauma, I’d be there in a second.”

“I know.  But you need to be taking it easy this weekend, remember?” Levi says.

“Levi,” Dominique says.  “We wanna go.  We want to be there for you.”

“ _I_  want to,” Francesca says.  “I wish it wasn’t late so I could go.  

“You got super tired,” Levi points out, apologetic.

“So?  It was so fun!  Dominique said I could smell all the bread I wanted as long as it was wrapped.  And I looked up sloth videos on her phone.  And I talked to her friend, Lena, from her apartment on video,” Francesca recounts.  She leans across the table and whispers conspiratorially to Jesus: “You should  _definitely_ smell the bread.”

“I mean, if I do that, I might end up  _eating_  the bread…” Jesus jokes.

“You can, if you pay for it first,” Francesca says, matter of fact.

Unlike her own mother, who would sit silently after a comment like that, or ridicule Pearl for making obvious remarks, Pearl finds herself smiling gently and saying, “That’s true.”

–

Levi does his best to sneak away from the table as the time edges near a quarter to three.  But Dominique has already disappeared into one of the bedrooms.  She comes out in her pink wig, purple contacts and suit.

He catches sight of Jesus across the kitchen filling a big purple lunch bag with snacks.

“Oh, no way!” Pearl sounds happier than Levi’s heard her in days.  Maybe months.

“What?” Jesus asks, confused.

“You still have it?  That old lunch bag I packed for you?” she asks, touched.

“I’ll do you one better,” Jesus says, and unzips the side, pulling out a handful of folded notes.

“Ohhh, you still have these, too?” Pearl gushes.

“What are they?” Francesa asks, curious, and climbing up on a chair to see.  Levi watches as Jesus naturally puts an arm behind her, to steady her.

Levi glances at Mariana while the rest talk about whatever the notes are.  “He’s sentimental,” she says, an explanation that somehow clarifies everything and nothing.  “Hey, take the sanitizer with you.  You might need it.  In case you run into Peanut Butter Cookie.”

“Who?” he asks, a laugh bursting out of him.

“Your trauma.  Peanut Butter Cookie,” Mariana insists, straight-faced.

“Right.” Levi smiles.  “Somehow my trauma sounds way less scary that way…”

“Keep taking away its power,” Mariana advises.  “It gets smaller.  You get stronger.”

“Is that how it works?” he asks.

“I mean, I guess it’s a thing?  Seems to be for Jesus and Dom at least.” Mariana insists.  She really does grab the apple hand sanitizer from the table and put it in his hand.  “Seriously, if it helps you feel more secure, keep it.”

“We should go,” Levi calls out softly.  He nods at Mariana, tucking the small bottle in his pocket.  “We can just take my car, if everybody’s cool with that.  Y’all can drive it around while I’m working.  I don’t care.”

“Just come back for him,” Pearl insists, rushing forward with her arms open.  

“We will, Pearl,” Jesus promises.  “We won’t forget.”

“Please, please, please be so careful.  I’m a nervous wreck at the thought of you being there tonight,” Pearl says, practically smothering Levi in a hug once he opened his arms to accept her.

“I’ll text you on breaks.  So you’ll know I’m fine,” he hugs her tight.

“Send me selfies?” she asks.

“As long as I get you and Cleo ones back…” he agrees.  “Okay, I love you.  I just gotta go.”

“Okay, I love you.  If you really need me, I can come with mace,” Pearl offers, brave.

“No, no need.” Levi insists.  “Thanks, though.”  He makes the rounds, hugging Frankie, who’s about to be real upset if Levi leaves without hugging her, and Mariana who Levi wants to be sure feels seen.

“Have fun tonight,” he tells Francesca.  “Watch a good Disney movie for me.”

“I will.” Francesca agrees.

“And hey, thank you for my secret weapon,” Levi says quietly, embracing Mariana.

“Anytime,” she says, and her hug still feels just as perfect as the first.

–

Jesus surprises himself getting into the front passenger seat willingly.  He’s not even freaked out about it.  It could be that it’s been fourteen years since he got in That Car.  Could be that the trigger of getting in this particular seat has faded with time.  It could be that Levi’s just a kid.  Younger than Jesus.

Whatever the case, Levi’s driving, and Dominique seems to relax, realizing neither Jesus nor Levi will be joining her in the back.

While Levi drives, Jesus asks if he can have Levi’s info.  “So we can text.”

Levi passes it along, and Jesus gives Levi his.  It’s a major act of trust.  “Just don’t share it around?  If you wanna give my info to somebody, just refer them to me first.”

“Yeah, of course.  I’d never give y’all’s numbers to randos.  Or anybody.”

“So…we’ll probably just hang out in the car until it starts getting dark.  Then we’ll come in and see if there’s anything we need.” Jesus passes along when Levi parks.

“Text us if you need us,” Dominique adds.

“Yeah, will do.” Levi scans the parking lot and takes a deep breath.  “She drives a black car.”

“We’ll watch for it,” Jesus promises.

“Actually, let’s go in with him,” Dominique insists.  “Make sure he’s good.”

“You guys don’t ha–” Levi starts, and then, realizing that Jesus, Dominique and Dudley are all getting out of the car.  “Okay, you’re really doing that.”

“Yeah, we really are,” Dominique insists gently.

(Jesus hasn’t heard her use her Kaz voice once since putting on the costume.)

They wait as unobtrusively as possible while Levi gets set up.  Jesus gives the front of the store a once over.  Then, they’re on their way out to Levi’s car.

“Francesca wants a sloth,” Dominique remembers.

“But does she  _need_  a sloth?” Jesus smiles.

“I mean, you weren’t here when she was making me watch all the videos about them…and talking about how they were like her…”

“Like her?”

“I didn’t say it, but…slow.  Slow, like her.  Speed-wise.” Dominique shares.  

Jesus laughs.  “That was always her favorite part of  _Zootopia_.  Now I know why…”

She keeps an eye on the parking lot, not letting her guard down until they’re safely back inside Levi’s car.

“Look at this one.  If I buy it for her, can I send it to your place?  Or hers?  Or mine?  I’m kinda freaked out to send anything to your parents’ to be honest.”

“Yeah, you’re not the only one…” Jesus muses.

“You okay?” Dominique asks.

“That’s cool, it actually holds onto her,” Jesus says, looking at the toy Dominique’s found.  “Send it to you.  That way, you can give it to her yourself when we hang out.”

“Is it okay?” Dominique double-checks.  “I mean, it’s not like…  You’re not mad I’m spoiling her?”

“You’re not spoiling her.  It’s one toy.  You said yourself, she feels a connection to it.  I think she’d dig having a little buddy like that clinging onto her.  It’d sure make it easier for her to bring places.” Jesus observes.

“You’re avoiding, Avoider.  We don’t avoid each other.  Unless you don’t wanna say how you are.  In which case, I totally respect that,” Dominique rambles.

Jesus takes an intentional deep breath.  She does, too.  “Dominique.  We are okay.  If you’d feel more comfortable somewhere else, we can go somewhere else.

“No, I got it.  Just…it’s a lot.  It’s  _been_  a lot.  You know?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he nods.  “But your thing with Francesca?  Your relationship with her?  I appreciate that.  So much.  Not sure if I ever mentioned it.  She really needs you in her life.  She does better.  I think she feels really seen by you.”

“Well, I feel the same,” Dominique says back, reserved.  “So…I’m sorry but I have to ask…I’m not coming on too strong with her?  You’re not mad I’m a bad influence?”

Jesus’s eyes widen.  “Are you kidding?  You’re  _the best_  influence.  I’m so glad she has you.  I’m so glad we all do.”

“So, I’m not too much?” Dominique asks.  “Falling apart in front of her?”

“Falling apart in front of her teaches her it’s okay to do,” Jesus points out.  “That’s a good thing.  That’s needed.”

“This is hard,” Dominique admits cryptically, glancing out the window.

“I know,” he echoes.

“But we have each other,” she breathes.  “And Levi has us.”


	36. Chapter 36

Pearl tries to keep busy while Levi is gone but it is nearly impossible to occupy her mind enough to keep from losing it.  Talking isn’t going to help.  Nothing’s going to help until she can see for herself that Levi is home and safe.

She checks her phone at least every five minutes.  Mariana and Francesca try to involve her in the TV they’re watching but it doesn’t keep Pearl’s attention whatsoever.

Cleo keeps woofing and licking her.  She’s trying.  But let’s face it, neither one of them were prepared for Levi to actually go in for an identical shift on the same night of the week - almost the same day - as when everything happened to Pearl.

She’s sent two Cleo selfies to Levi already, as well as an apology text:

_In case I haven’t said, I promise I will never make those awful cookies ever again.  So sorry about that.  Still.  Anything you especially like, baking wise?  I’m thinking of brownies.  Let me know if those sound good or not.  If not, I will not hassle you.  Promise._

Levi’s been at work for 7 minutes when he texts back a thumbs up to the brownies.

It allows Pearl to breathe a bit easier.  Now, to determine if Mariana and Francesca will mind if she turns Frank’s kitchen into the set of The Great British Baking Show.  Eggs cracked on the floor.  Camped out in front of the oven.

She can’t go home right now or she’ll be a total mess.  She needs people.  Levi has Jesus and Dominique.  He’s okay.  She needs to be okay, too.  She needs to learn to lean on her half of The Avoiders, too.

“Do you have brownie mix?” she asks unceremoniously.

“Um…I’m not sure…” Mariana muses.

“You know what?  I might,” Pearl says.  “Is it okay if I run home to check and come back here to bake them?  I need to stay busy.”

“Can I help?” Francesca asks.  “I love baking.”

“I’ll walk with you,” Mariana offers.  “I mean, we will.  Frankie, I wouldn’t leave you here alone.”

“I know,” Francesca nods.

In several minutes, the three of them are walking across the grass together.  Pearl’s feeling extra watchful, even though it’s still light out.  The middle of the afternoon.  It was just after 3 PM when Jared had started in about how his car had broken down and he had no way home.  Pearl remembered staying quiet, because someone else would surely offer to drive him home…

“Are we going to have brownies for dinner?” Francesca asks.  “Because that would be the best idea.”

“What about pizza?” Mariana offers.  

“We can?” Francesca asks.  “Oh, yeah.  Jesus isn’t here so he won’t get triggered!  Yay!”

Pearl smiles thinly.  She sees her answering machine light blinking.  Checks the caller ID in her landline.  Mom called at 12:57.  Again at 2:14.  She plays the messages, wanting to be sure Levi’s safe and her mom doesn’t have plans to go near him.

“ _You can’t ignore me forever, Pearl.  I am your mother.  I did my best by you.  It may not be in the way you’d approve of, but I did my best.  I never beat you_!”

“Wow, that’s a low bar….” Mariana comments bitterly.  

“ _You know your dad used to stop by unannounced with that Levi when he was a kid?  I was even nice to him!_ ”  

Pearl’s skin goes cold.  She shivers.  “Is that what you call it, Mom?” she comments to herself, blinking back tears.

_“Pearl how long are you going to punish me for not being perfect?  I know you’re there. You know something, I want to hear back from you.  Tonight.  You owe me an explanation._ ”

“I think Levi’s scared of your mom,” Francesca offers.  

“You do?” Pearl asks.

“Yeah.  _I’m_  scared of her…” Francesca shares.

“Don’t worry about her.  Jesus and Dominique are with Levi at work, and Mariana and I are here with you.  You’re both protected.”

“But what will your mom do if you don’t call her back?” Francesca worries.

“She’s at  work right now,” Pearl says, finally remembering the Google Calendar her mom shares with her.  Pearl has removed herself from it, but her mom’s schedule is still on it.  Pearl checked it automatically this morning, always preferring to know her mother’s movements, especially now.

“Where Levi is?!” Francesca asks, alarmed.

“No.  She works somewhere else,” Pearl reassures.

“Hey where do you keep your brownie mix?” Mariana prompts.  “Maybe Fran can find it for us.”

“Sure, if I had any, it would be in that cabinet,” Pearl points.

Francesca walks over, and Mariana drops her voice.  “You okay?” she asks.

Pearl crosses her arms.  “I’m glad Levi’s with you guys.  That he doesn’t have to listen to my mom’s ridiculous voice messages.”

“Can you get rid of your landline?  Change your cell number?” Mariana asks.

“I mean…  That isn’t a bit extreme?” Pearl asks.  

“Look, I don’t know specifics, but I know she’s not a safe person.  I know Levi  _is_ scared of her.  That doesn’t come from nothing.  I know you guys can’t, like, move or anything, but these would be things you could do.  To make sure Levi feels safe once he can’t live next door anymore.”

“True.” Pearl nods.

“Found it!  Oh, guys, it’s double chocolate!  We can make them, right?”  Francesca asks.

“Let me check my fridge for…yes.  Here’s an egg.  And my vegetable oil.  We are all set.” Pearl nods.

“Um, Pearl.  You might need to carry the egg,” Francesca says seriously.  “We aren’t the best with balance.”

“Don’t worry.  I got it taken care of.”  They walk back.  Pearl feels a bit better once they lock the door behind them.  Then, Pearl sets to work.  

First, Pearl puts the egg safely in the fridge.  Then she calls Jimmy’s for pizza.  Mariana says she “trusts her judgment” with regard to the pizza and Francesca doesn’t care what kind it is as long as it doesn’t have vegetables on it.  She orders a bacon cheeseburger pizza she’s been wanting to try. Then, it’s down to the real business.

Pearl calls her local phone company and asks to cancel her landline.  They ask one or two questions and do it in the same phone call.  Then, she goes online via her cell phone and follows the prompts on her cell provider’s site to change her number.

They wait outside at the picnic table for the pizza.  Francesca sends Jesus a video:  “Hey.  It’s us.  I just wanted to say we’re having pizza but we’re eating out at the picnic table.  So I’m pretty sure you won’t smell it at all when you come back.  And we’re making brownies!”

Pearl’s pretty sure Francesca’s measures to keep Jesus from experiencing any residual pizza stress are excessive.  Until he and Dominique send a video back:

Dominique says: “Hey, babe, enjoy that pizza extra for me, okay?”

Jesus says: “Thanks for the heads up, Frankie.  You’re the best.  And thanks for being so considerate about my pizza thing.  I appreciate it. I hope you like it tons, though.”

Francesca sends back one more video to tell them it’s bacon cheeseburger pizza, but promises not to send any actual pizza videos to Jesus.  Only Dominique if she wants to see it.

(“Oh, I wanna see it,” Dominique sends back.)

When the pizza arrives, it’s every bit as glorious as they hope.  Copious amounts of  blended cheeses.  Juicy hamburger.  Crispy, salty bacon.  

“Oh, my God, this is so good,” Pearl exclaims.  

Mariana foregoes words altogether, in favor of moaning after every bite.  

Francesca keeps asking, “Can we eat  _all_  of this?”

“Two slices each.  I should’ve splurged and gotten a bigger size…” Pearl laments.

“That’s okay,” Mariana reassures.

“Mmm!  Pearl, you should send Levi a pizza selfie!”  Francesca exclaims.

“You are so right,” Pearl’s stomach lurches a little at the thought of her brother out there in the world, maybe having a hard time, but she remembers Jesus and Dominique are there.  She’s even more confident when she remembers her mom is working, too.  And can’t come intimidate him.  “Everybody get together,”  Pearl gets up and moves around to beside Francesca, who’s beside Mariana.  They make sure their pizza’s in the picture, too.

“Say ‘bacon cheeseburger’!” Francesca instructs.  They do.

Pearl sends the picture.  Levi responds with heart eyes almost instantly.

Biting her lip, and having paid attention to just how explicit Francesca was about sparing Jesus any exposure to his trigger, Pearl adds:

_P.S.  Mom is working tonight @ The Barn.  You won’t cross paths with her.  She does not get off until after you.  Hope this allows you to breathe easier._

–

Levi takes his half at 6:00 PM.  It isn’t until then that he sees Pearl’s text about her mom working.  He sends her a brief video that just says, “Thank you for telling me that.  I’m on break now.  Gonna go find Jesus and Dom.  Bye.”

As he texted them, both are waiting for him by the doors closest to his lane.

“Hey.  I just heard from Pearl.”  Levi shows them the last text he received.  It’s easier than figuring out a way to talk about this in public.

“Good,” Dominique nods.

“Yeah, definitely.  I’m glad you don’t have to worry,” Jesus says.

“So, I mean, I guess y’all didn’t need to come.  Sorry I dragged you.  I didn’t know her schedule…”

“Hey.  Try to stay calm,” Jesus encourages.  “Know we want to be here.  We’re glad you’re safe tonight, but we still wanna be here.”

“Well, it’ll ease Pearl’s mind, anyway…” Levi exhales.

Dominique nods.  “So…suggestions for what to do when it gets dark around here?  I’m not a huge fan of your store.  No offense.”

“Hey, I’m not a fan of it, either.  I wish I knew how to knit so I could help Pearl make dog stuff…  And you could always go back to the cabin.  They’re making brownies…” he bribes, to see if Dominique or Jesus might take the bait.

“Stop,” Dominique says.  “We are not leaving you.  Unless you’re over having us here and feel like we’re crossing your boundaries.”

“Still feels weird that I get those.  Have them.  Whatever.” Levi murmurs.

“You do,” Jesus nods.

“You could…go somewhere and grab a bite to eat…” Levi suggests.  “There are places around here.

“I don’t wanna be recognized,” Jesus hesitates.

“Well, Carla’s not lurking around anywhere, so…  Hey, do  _not_  go to The Barn though, because she  _is_  there.”

Dominique shudders.  Jesus swallows.  Levi feels bad, but also kind of validated.  That he isn’t just freaking out for no reason, if they’re freaked out, too.

His break’s over too soon.  He’s actually managed to drink some water and eat the Lunchable he bought.  Usually, Levi can’t manage to eat anything, but knowing he won’t be face-to-face with Carla this shift helps bring his anxiety down.  

“I’ll be on another break at 8:30 if you guys wanna hang out again for a few.  But I won’t blame you if you wanna go…”

“Levi, we’re not leaving,” Dominique tells him certainly.  

“We’re staying,” Jesus confirms.

–

It doesn’t take long for the lines of what this is start blurring for Dominique.  Hanging out for a long time in a car, with a dude, (even if it is Jesus) messes with her trauma.  

The idea of the light starting to fade - of sitting here in the dark with him - even if it is only for a few minutes.  (The sun’s starting to set later, so they might only have an hour of darkness to face.)  But right about now?  Even this is too hard.

Dominique takes a deep breath.  “Things are…  They’re starting to blur, Jesus…” she offers, clearing her throat.  It’s the first time all day, she’s used Kaz’s accent.  His voice rather than her own.

“Okay,” Jesus says calmly.  “Dominique.  You’re not There.  It’s not Before, okay?  It’s Jesus.”

She nods.  It’s careful.  Controlled.

“What do you do to cope. Dom?” Jesus asks.

She blinks.  “What?”

He slows down.  “To cope?  When things get overwhelming?  How do you cope?”

She clears her throat again.  Can’t stop herself.  It’s a twitch she can’t control.  When she feels like she can’t breathe.

Somehow, her brain takes Jesus saying  _cope_  and turns it.  She hears  _escape_  instead.  But there is no way out.  He’s mocking her.  She’s sure of it.  Dominique stays perfectly still.  That’s always better.  Until she figures out what to do.

“Dominique.  It’s Jesus.  I’m not gonna hurt you, alright?  I promise.  Can you hear me?”

She nods again.  Tries to breathe.  Clears her throat.  “Sorry.”

“Hey, no.  You’re doing your best.  Want me to call The Avoiders?” Jesus asks.

Dominique blinks.  Somewhere, she knows Jesus is using really Now-specific terms to anchor her.  It means the world, but she can’t show it.  “Why?” she asks, measured.

“They could come.  You could go back with them if you want.  Have pizza.  Brownies.”

“Levi, though,” Dominique hesitates, still clearing her throat like she has a cold.

“Dudley and I can stay for Levi.  His trauma’s not gonna bug him tonight.  So, I can just wait for him, and we’ll come back to the cabin when he’s done.”

“I told him I wouldn’t leave…” Dominique manages.  “It’s bad if I go…”

“Dominique, I think it’s bad if you  _stay_ …” Jesus offers, sympathetic.  “You’re still Levi’s friend if you go.  You’re still  _my_  friend.  But self-care is important.”

“Can…” Dominique hesitates.  “Can  _I_  call them?”

“Go ahead, yeah,” Jesus confirms.  

Dominique draws a shaky breath.  She can’t text, which sucks.  She doesn’t really wanna call, either, so she tries Facebook video.  Waits.

Mariana answers:  “Hey, what’s up?”

“Hey.  Can you guys come?” Dominique asks, smiling hard.  Cheerleading voice in full force.  But she hasn’t counted on the tears shining in her eyes, giving away just how not okay she is.

“Yeah.  We’ll be there.  I’ll stay on with you so you can see me.” Mariana promises.  

“You coming?” Dominique checks.

“Yes. Pearl, Fran.  We gotta go get Dominique.  She wants some brownies,” Mariana passes along.

It helps to have them there.

It helps to know they’re coming.


	37. Chapter 37

To be honest, Pearl was hoping to be able to have a quiet night in, alternately baking brownies, hanging out with Mariana and Francesca, and obsessing about how Levi is doing at work.  Nowhere in her plans was there the possibility of having to drive to SuperOne and hang out in the parking lot.  Giving another person a ride.

Pearl knows, based on what she can overhear of Mariana’s conversation with Dominique that she really does need a ride.  She’s holding it together, but panicking.  The thing is, the same is also true for Pearl.

“Francesca, can you talk to Dominique for a minute, please?  I need to talk to Mariana,” Pearl says.

Concerned, Mariana hands her phone over to Francesca, who starts talking to Dominique about how good their pizza was, and how she can help them bake brownies if she wants to.

Pearl and Mariana go into the kitchen and Pearl speaks lowly:  “I can do this.  I just want someone to know…that…it’s a bit too similar for my trauma’s tastes?” she ventures.

“I’m confused.” Mariana says.

Pearl whispers now:  “My trauma is that a guy claimed to need a ride from SuperOne.  I gave him one, and he forced me to drive to the woods, where he raped me repeatedly.  Then, he made me get on my knees while he prepared to shoot me.  Gun to my head.  It was also a Friday.  It was also nearly the same calendar date.”

Once upon a time, Pearl would have never breathed a word of this to another soul.  Partly because everyone in the geographic vicinity knows already.  Partly because she has experienced her mother’s blame.  But it’s different with this group - with The Avoiders.  They know trauma.  And they seem to know how to support one another through trauma.  But Pearl’s gradually come to understand (with the help of Feelings Laundry and talks with Jesus) that no one can read her mind about the specifics of what she needs, unless she’s honest, and tells them.  Mariana’s trustworthy.  Pearl remembers her reaching out to Pearl on Jesus’s behalf years ago, after their trip up here.  Jesus had really needed her then.  Mariana had good instincts.

“Okay, wow,” Mariana breathes.  “So, would it help if I got Francesca to help me narrate what’s going on?  How it’s different?”

“I think so.  And…if I can offer something…”  Pearl worries, not really sure how this is done.

“Yeah, definitely.” Mariana nods.

“If no one could sit in the passenger side, that would be ideal.” Pearl manages.  Cleo has picked up on her anxiety and is nipping at her shaking hands.

“Of course.  Fran and I will sit in back.  And we’ll open the back door for Dominique when we get there.”

Pearl lets out a breath.

She watches Mariana go to Francesca and whisper to her briefly.  Thanks to The Avoiders code of conduct, Pearl is confident that Mariana’s only sharing necessary information.  Francesca nods.

They get in the car.  Cleo takes up residence on Pearl’s lap.  Hearing Francesca and Mariana talk to Dominique via video reminds Pearl of how she once Skyped Jesus while he was in the car and very triggered.

“So, Avoiders,” Francesca pipes up.  “Especially Dominique and Pearl.  Pearl is driving to pick up Dominique.”  

Pearl glances in the rearview mirror and sees Francesca mouthing “One.  Two.  Three,” before she keeps talking.

“Dominique, you can get in the back seat, with Mari and me.  See, there’s a spot.  Right here.” Pearl imagines Francesca aiming Mariana’s phone at empty space.

Pearl is tuned in, counting the three-second pause Francesca’s taking.  Listening to her speak is taking Pearl’s mind off of all the familiar landmarks they are passing.  How the daylight’s starting to fade, just the slightest bit.

“Then, we can all have girls time together at our cabin.  We can eat brownies.  What else, Mari?” Francesca checks.

“We’ll…respect each other’s boundaries,” Mariana nods.  “We’ll….recognize some things…are really hard right now.  And we’ll support each other.”

They cut the video call as Pearl pulls into the parking lot.  A chill goes down her back as she parks beside Levi’s car.  Dominique is nowhere.

Jesus nods to the sidewalk in front of the store, where Dominique is pacing.  “Francesca,” he says, motioning her out of the car.  (Pearl’s thanking everything that he did not stick his head in the passenger side window to speak to them.)

“Yeah?”  she asks.

“You know how we practice being really super obvious?” Jesus checks.

“We were doing that in the car,” Francesca reports.  

“Awesome.  Can you walk up to Dominique, like you normally would, and keep doing that?  Tell her every obvious thing.  Say her name.  Tell her you came to help and you’re gonna go back to the cabin together.  Can you do that?”

“Will you guys stay and watch me?” Francesca worries.

“We’ll be right here,” Mariana promises from the car.

Francesca takes a deep breath and lets it out.

“Good job, buddy.  You got this.  We’re here for backup if you need us,” Jesus reassures.

Francesca turns and flashes a resolute thumbs up.  Then, she approaches the sidewalk.

–

She can’t stop pacing.  She can’t go in the damn store, and she can’t get back in the damn car.  That didn’t leave  any option except pacing out in front of the building, which felt entirely too close to working, like she had when she was eleven.

A flash of blue catches her eye.  A small girl with braids.

“Dominique.  Hey.  It’s me, Francesca.”

Dominique blinks.  She sees her now.  Yeah, it’s definitely Francesca.

“You shouldn’t be out here…” Dominique cautions.  “It’s not safe.”

“Um…” Francesca hedges.  “Will you come with me?  Mariana and Pearl are in the car.  We came to help.”

“I don’t need help,” she denies.  “You shouldn’t be out here…” she repeats.

“Dominique, it’s Francesca.  It’s safe.  The Avoiders are here.  To help, you know?  Because you called us?”

“I called,” she repeats slowly, shaking her head.  She blinks again.  Clears her throat.  

“Will you please come with me, so we can go back to the cabin and bake brownies?” Francesca asks.

“Did you say they’re double chocolate?” Dominique asks, like she’s coming out of a dream.

“Yeah,” Francesca nods.  “Can I hang onto you?  Like, around your waist like when we were shopping together before?”

Dominique eyes Fran warily.

“For protection,” Francesca says simply.

“‘Cause it’s not safe out here…” Dominique says, feeling herself slipping back in time again.

“Dominique.  Protection for  _you_.  I meant for you.  From trauma.”  Francesca explains.  “ _I’m safe_.  Pearl and Mariana are here.  They’re waiting for us.”

“But Levi…” Dominique remembers.

“Jesus is staying here with Dudley.  And we’re going to the cabin with Cleo.  Just us girls.  No boys, okay?” Francesca says, standing close.

“Yeah.  You gonna hang onto me?” Dominique checks.

“If you consent,” Francesca tells her.

“Consent…” Dominique runs the term through her jumbled brain.  It doesn’t match with any of the street slang from her ten months living under another name.  Just a thing doing a job.

“If it feels safe for you.” Francesca clarifies.

Dominique nods.

“It will?” Francesca checks again.

“Yes.” Dominique says, feeling clearer.  Feeling here.

“Okay, I’m putting my arms around your waist, like when we were shopping and talking about sloths, remember?”

“This took too long,” Dominique worries.  

“No.  It didn’t.  We wait for each other, remember?  We don’t leave any Avoiders behind.  Safety in numbers,” Francesca reviews, holding tight to Dominique’s waist.  

They walk together.  Dominique ignores Levi’s car at her back.  Tries to calm her racing thoughts, pulse, heart.  Another parking lot.  Another car.  Maybe another trick.

But it really is Mariana in the car with Pearl.  Cleo’s here, too.  Francesca gets in last.  Closes the door.

“Hey, Dominique,” Pearl greets.  She seems shaky too.

She swallows.  Slides her eyes to Mariana.

“Did Francesca tell you we’re gonna have brownies?” Mari asks.

Dominique nods carefully, but whispers, “Is it a trick?”

“No,” Mariana whispers back, squeezing her hand.  “We’re not gonna hurt you.  This is friend stuff.  Friends helping each other.”

“Because I called?” Dominique checks again.

“Yeah.  We’ll always come when you call,” Mariana reassures.

–

When they get home, the first thing Mariana does is cut slabs of brownie for all of them.  She gets waters for everybody too.  She walks slowly out to the living room couch where Francesca has put Night-Night in Dominique’s hands, and drops off one brownie.  Then a water.  Then repeats the process.  It’s tedious.  But Mariana eventually manages to get all the food and drinks where they need to go.

Pearl’s stopped off at the bathroom, and Mariana swings by to tap on it.  “Pearl?  It’s Mariana.  Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Pearl says, in a very un-okay voice.  She sounds on the verge of tears.

“Hey.  Around here?  Nobody has to say yes, if they’re not really okay…” Mariana insists gently.

“Fine.  No,” Pearl manages. “I just…don’t want to upset Francesca or Dominique.  Or you.  You know what?  I can just go.”

The bathroom door opens and Pearl stands there.  Cleo in her arms, mangled Kleenex in her shaking hands.  Her eyes are red-rimmed.

“Dom?  Frankie?  Pearl and I are gonna be in our room for a bit, okay?  Knock if you need something.” Mariana calls.  “You wanna come in here with me a few minutes?  Talk?” she asks Pearl.

Pearl nods, twisting the Kleenex in her hands.

“Dominique’s wondering if those brownies are for us to eat,” Francesca passes along.

“Yes, Dominique.  We want you to eat a brownie, okay?” Mariana reassures.  “Does that make sense?”

“I guess,” she calls back softly.

Finally, Mariana closes the door.  Pearl sits on the bed with Cleo woofing and licking and nipping.

“I’m sorry,” Mariana apologizes.  

“It’s not your fault,” Pearl denies.

“Maybe not, but I can still be sorry, can’t I?  That you’re dealing with this?  That it happened?”

Pearl shrugs.

“Can I sit next to you?” Mariana asks.

Pearl nods.

Mariana does.  When Pearl leans into her, and tears soak the shoulder of Mariana’s shirt, she doesn’t comment.  Just puts an arm around Pearl and holds on.

“You don’t have to leave.  To have feelings.  You can have them here,” Mariana tells her quietly.

Pearl doesn’t say anything.  But she doesn’t need to.

–

Out in the living room, Francesca and Dominique ate two of the brownies.  Now Francesca’s coloring a rainbow with Jesus’s colored pencils he left out.  She wishes there were markers.

Francesca tries not to stare when Dominique reaches a shaky hand over for some paper.  Tries not to watch as she uses orange and red on the whole picture, making scary flames of a giant fire.  Black smoke is rising.

Carefully, Francesca inches one of the bottles of water over.  

Dominique ignores it.  So, Francesca takes off the cover for her (a thing Jesus sometimes needs to feel like he can drink something) and nudges it back close to Dominique.

When the water spills, Francesca jumps back.  “I’m sorry!  I’m so sorry!”  She picks up the water, but some has already spilled.

Dominique’s just looking at it.

“Dominique, I’m so sorry I wrecked your fire.” Francesca apologizes, tearful.

“You didn’t wreck it, babe.  Not at all.  You know what water does to fire?” Dominique asks.

“Puts it out?” Francesca asks, still worried.

“Exactly.  Can I hug you?” Dominique asks.  

“If you want…” Francesca allows, still feeling bad.

Dominique does.  Even dressed in her man-costume with purple eyes and pink hair, she’s still Dominique on the inside.  “You putting that fire out?  It helps.”

“But I was clumsy,” Francesca insists.

“I know it was an accident.  I know.  But I’m saying it was a good one. It brought me back from being so scared.”  Dominique pulls back then, and gives Francesca Night-Night to hold for herself.  “I’m not mad at you.  We can clean up the water.”

“And what about the fire?” Francesca wonders.

“The fire can go in the trash,” Dominique says, like she really is glad it’s all ruined.

“Can we have more brownies?” Francesca asks.  Pearl and Mariana’s brownies have been there all this time with nobody eating them and they’re so hard to resist.

“Let’s do it.  I’ll get us more from the kitchen.  Wanna come?” Dominique invites.

“Sure,” Francesca stands up.  Watches Dominique take the pink wig off.  Crumple the fiery paper in her hand, and throw it in the trash in the kitchen for real.

–

Jesus and Dudley manage okay together in Levi’s car once everybody else leaves.  He’s bummed that Dominique had to go.  He’s not sure how he’s gonna break the news to Levi or how Levi will take it, but Jesus hopes, okay.

Jesus hangs out and eats some of the food he brought.  He reads Pearl’s notes tucked in the pocket of the lunch bag.  Even though it’s been six years, they still comfort him and encourage him.  Let him know he has it in him to face hard things.

And this?  Being here for a friend?  It isn’t a hard thing at all.  Not for him.

It’s nice for a change.

Levi comes out for his second break at 8:30.  The light’s starting to fade, and Jesus has decided that when Levi goes back in the store?  He will, too.  An hour to kill inside a grocery store is reasonable.  Plus it’s late on a Friday, so Jesus is hoping most people will have lives and plans.

“Hey, what’s up?” Levi approaches the car, looking relaxed.  Then his face falls.  “Where’s Dominique?”

“She wanted to stay,” Jesus tells Levi honestly.  “But had to do some self-care.”

“Is she okay?” Levi checks.  “Wait.  How?”

“You can ask when you get back.  And what do you mean, how?” Jesus wonders.

“Like…did  _you_  drop Dom off, or?” Levi asks.

“Pearl drove with Mari and Frankie to get her,” Jesus answers, not sure what this has got to do with anything.

Levi’s eyes widen.  “Pearl drove?  Here?  Tonight?  Was she okay?”

Jesus blinks.  “Oh, dude, I didn’t even think about that.  Maybe call and check on her?”

“Yeah, I am.”

While Levi’s on the phone, Jesus texts Dominique who sends back a great pic of her and Fran sneaking brownies from the pan in the kitchen.

A bit later, Levi hangs up. “Sucks I only have 15 minutes, but at least I could check in with her.  How’s Dominique?” Levi wonders.

“Sneaking brownies with my sis…” Jesus grins a little in spite of himself.  “How are you?”

“Good, you know, knowing she’s not anywhere around tonight.  It helps.” Levi tells Jesus.

“I’m glad.  Probably gonna come in with you.  Since it’s starting to get dark.” Jesus gets out and follows Levi inside the store.  

It looks the same as it did years ago.  In fact, Gladys, the legacy cashier from Lane 2 is  _still_  at Lane 2.  Jesus’s mind is blown.  

“Okay.  I’ll meet you by your lane in an hour.  I’ll keep an eye out, just in case,” he promises Levi.  “I got your back.”

“Thank you.  You guys are…like…there aren’t words.  I gotta go to work, I can’t get all emotional.”  Levi shakes his head.

“Okay.  See ya,” Jesus tells him.

–

The last hour of Levi’s shift passes quickly, knowing that Jesus is here, and has his eyes out for Carla, in case she got off work early and is about to come and harass him.

Jesus comes through Levi’s lane at 9:43 with a box of Hostess cupcakes, chocolate pudding and a bottle of Sprite.

“Pearl shares, you know?” Levi says, gently.

“What?” Jesus asks, as Dudley waits patiently by his side.

“I’m sure she’ll say you can have some brownies…” Levi says as Jesus pays for his snacks.

“Oh,” Jesus smiles a sad smile.  “I know.  These are different.”

“Okay,” Levi shrugs.

Jesus waits while Levi clocks out.  They walk to Levi’s car together.  Drive home in comfortable silence.  When Levi parks, Jesus waits to be sure Levi’s getting out of the car, too.  Watches to be sure he doesn’t double back and drive away.

“Don’t worry.  I’m coming,” Levi says softly.  He stands aside and Jesus unlocks the door.

Levi’s up in the loft when he double-takes at the sight of Pearl in the chair waiting for him.  She looks pretty wrecked.  In pajamas with a scarf over her hair, and she has a box of Kleenex that’s empty next to her.  It looks like she has used every single one as both what it’s meant for and stress relief.  They’re all balled up, or twisted into shapes.  Levi might joke about it, but Pearl’s face doesn’t look like she’d appreciate that right now.  She’d tried to keep it together earlier when he called, but Levi had been sure his work shift, and having to drive there tonight had been hard on her.

He opens his arms for her and they hug each other.  Levi can feel her shaking.  

“Oh, my God, I’m so glad you’re okay.  I got rid of our landline and changed my cell number, so you don’t need to worry about her leaving messages when you move back home…” she explains in a rush.

“Oh.  You want me back?” he asks.  

“Are you kidding?  Levi, now that I know about you?  I will always look like this if I have any doubt about your wellbeing.”

“Thanks for changing the number, and stuff.  And for the text about her working.  Are you okay?  I know you hate that store…”

“Yeah, I cried all over Mariana.  I feel better.”

“Well, Mariana can take it,” Levi says, sure.

“Can you?” Pearl asks, looking at him seriously.  “Take it?  If I fall apart?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” he asks gently, still hugging her.

“It’s just…I haven’t been the best source of support for you and I know it’s not fair of me to ask you…”

“It is.  We’re family.  We’re Avoiders and we’re family.  And feelings, apparently, are better out than in…” he muses.

“I’m just so glad you’re okay,” Pearl repeats.

“I am.  I’m okay,” Levi nods, looking up at the ceiling.  

He hopes Dad can see this.  He and Pearl.  That they found each other after all.

 


	38. Chapter 38

Their hug lasts longer than any of their hugs so far.  Pearl keeps track of these things.  “I kind of don’t wanna leave…” she admits.

“Who says you have to?” Levi asks.

“No one.  Mariana even encouraged me to stay.” Pearl reveals, uncomfortable.

“So…what’s up?” Levi asks, pulling back finally, to study her face.

“I have nightmares.   _Loud_  nightmares, Levi.” Pearl reminds him, in case he’s forgotten since staying here.

“So?” Levi asks.

“So, you remember when you first moved in with me.  They were pretty distressing,” she points out.  

Even if Levi prefers to downplay them now, there were times early on when he came rushing upstairs to defend her from an intruder he’d been sure was attacking her, and scaring her even more.  It had been a whole thing.  One she doesn’t care to repeat.

“But…” Levi objects.  “I want you to stay.”

“I want to, too.  But I don’t want to freak everyone else out.  That’s not fair to them.” Pearl insists.  She’s surveying the loft.  “I could sleep here, though, maybe.  I mean….if you’re cool with it.”

“On the  _floor_?” Levi asks, surprised.

“No.  Well, yes, on blankets or something.  I know you’re not super comfortable with anybody actually in your space with you when your guard is down.  Neither am I.  But this way, there’s a door between us, but we could still be near each other…”

“Would that work?” Levi asks.

“Would it, for you?” Pearl presses.

“I think so…” Levi says softly.  “Hey, are there anymore brownies left?”

Pearl says she’ll go downstairs and see what they have around for spare blankets, or maybe a sleeping bag.  When she comes back up, she brings the pan of brownies.  Only one row is missing.

“Here,” she hands Levi the pan and goes back blanket-hunting.

“You okay?” Jesus asks, sticking his head out of the tent he’s inside with Frankie.  “Need help finding something?”

“Blankets?  Or a sleeping bag?  Mariana mentioned I could stay…unless you hate the idea of me waking you all up with my screaming…”

“I got my headphones,” Jesus says.  “And I think I can get Francesca’s on her without trouble.  I wouldn’t usually while she’s sleeping…” he whispers.  “I just…I don’t wanna wake her, and I don’t want her to panic if…”

“Never mind,” a crabby Francesca interrupts.  “I’m putting them on now.  Because you guys are all loud whisperers…”

“Sorry, buddy.” Jesus apologizes.  He nods at the loft.  Points and raises an eyebrow.  Pearl nods and walks with him and Dudley until they’re in Levi’s line of sight.

“Can Jesus join?” Pearl calls softly.

“Yeah, come on,” Levi says.  “I’m trying to hold off eating this entire pan of brownies.”

“Oh, God, you do not want me up here, then…” Jesus jokes.  “Dudley.  Back,” he reprimands lightly as his dog tries to get close enough to sample Pearl’s baking.

“None for you either, I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes to Cleo, who’s snorting curiously.

She flops her head down with a dejected sigh.  Like Gracie, Pearl is pretty sure that Cleo can understand human.

“You okay up here with us?” Jesus checks, picking out a brownie and setting the pan back in the middle of the floor, where they all sit, facing one another.

“Yeah.  I am.  Are you?”  Pearl doesn’t care that she is looking squarely at Levi when she says this.  She realizes that she unintentionally resembles her mother in a thousand little ways that might trigger her brother.

“Thanks for saying you wouldn’t make the cookies again…” Levi answers, taking a bite of brownie.  “I’m sorta…not used to people apologizing.”

“You mean you’re not used to  _her_  apologizing…” Pearl fills in softly and Levi glances up, surprised.  “I lived with her.  That woman apologized, I think one time, to me, and that was for something that wasn’t even her fault…”

“Yeah.  I was glad I didn’t have to be on guard all shift.  You okay?  From me being at work tonight?  Having to come?”

“It wasn’t ideal.  But it wasn’t the worst, either,” Pearl allows.

“Hey,” Jesus interjects calmly.  “Just so you know?  You don’t have to downplay it.  It’s okay to say it sucked.”

“Fine, it sucked.  I was a wreck.” Pearl admits, finally picking up a brownie and nibbling a corner.  “Earlier, when your shift was starting,” she glances at Levi.  “I was remembering how Jared came into work that afternoon telling everybody about how his car was making this noise, or whatever and how his dad told him he shouldn’t drive it.  To be safe.  But he couldn’t get a ride home from him later.  I stayed quiet and just did my work and forgot about it until later.  I was sure somebody would have volunteered to drive him home.”

Pearl sighs.  It’s weirdly relieving to be able to discuss this now.  With people who care about her.  Who don’t flinch.  Whom she doesn’t have to shield from the reality of her situation or explain why she shares some details but not others.  Not all of them.

Levi and Jesus (not to mention the other Avoiders) understand trauma in a way even Pearl herself has yet to.  It’s mental health no-man’s-land up here.  There are zero resources.  And as it turns out - at least two predators - which is just sickening to think about.

“Pearl?” Levi asks.  “You okay?”

“Yeah.  Sorry.  Just thinking about how messed up it is that this place has nothing going for it in terms of mental health services.”  She slides a look to Levi.  “Is it okay if I mention her?  In reference to my own stuff?”

“Pearl.  Yes.  She’s your mom.  I’d die if somebody said I could never mention my dad again…”

“Well, we both know my mom isn’t like your dad.”  She’s wondering what they ever saw in each other - her mom and his dad - when Levi prompts her again.

“What did you wanna say?  About your mom?”

“I was just gonna say….that even after it happened?  A week later, when I finally cracked and told her?  Like…she was sympathetic at first.  But I don’t recall her ever taking me to see anyone.  Not a medical doctor.  Not a head doctor, nothing.” Pearl shares softly, remembering.  “And maybe it was because there was nothing up here.”

“But there are medical doctors up here…” Levi objects.  “She had to know that.  And she didn’t take you to see anyone.  That’s messed up.”

Jesus shudders.  “Consider yourself lucky.  I still can’t do doctors…because calling Stef from the police station.  Saying who I was… _being_ obviously injured…  My hands were blistered, I had a bad sunburn and this mark around my ankle…  Anyway, Stef said we should go to the hospital to get checked.  To have the doc look at my hands.  My ankle.  Whatever.  And…lets just say…it was more than that.”

“I’m sorry.  That no one at least prepared you for what was coming…” Pearl apologizes.

“I mean, Stef did tell me.  But you know me.  You guys both know me.  Like, to me, preparation for any major life change, scenery change, whatever, is six months, minimum.  Not a few minutes.”

Pearl nods.  She does know.  She’s the same.

“I didn’t go to a doctor, either, obviously.  Nobody knew.” Levi shares.

“You deserved medical treatment,” Pearl tells Levi.  She turns to Jesus, “And I wish there had been a way for you to have been adequately prepared…”

“I don’t think there was,” Jesus shrugs.  “Also, she didn’t stay.  Like, the doctors or whatever…they were bossy as hell and made her go.  But like,  I’ve always wondered if she was relieved.  If it was my kid, I’d have stayed.”

“I’m never having children,” Pearl says flatly.

Levi looks at her, startled.  “Really?  I’ve always wanted them.  I even picked names.  But like…I know I’m nowhere near ready.  It’s just…I don’t know.  I’ve always seen myself with kids.”

“I always have this fear that I’d suck as a father,” Jesus confesses.  “I basically only had a year of my life that was kinda stable.  Kinda normal.  Up until then it was Ana and her crap.  Even with Stef and Lena, we kept bouncing back and forth to Ana for years until we were eight.  Then we were adopted and things were good, for, like…fourteen months.  That’s all we got, of like, a normal childhood.  And then He got me…and…I don’t ever wanna accidentally pass on anything He did.”

“That’s exactly why I’m never having kids,” Pearl tells Jesus, feeling relieved that he seems to understand her reasons even though she had yet to articulate them.  “I want whatever’s in her…and in me from her?  To stop here.  Also, I don’t think I could ever, like, have sex.  The way you’re supposed to.  With feelings and consent and whatever.”

“You don’t have to have sex to have a kid,” Jesus points out.  “There’s lots of them already here.”

“I’m not fit to adopt, Jesus.” Pearl tells him ruefully.  “I can barely take care of myself, and this one,” she gestures to Levi lovingly, “without traumatizing him.”

“You are like your mom in some ways,” Levi says softly.  “Like…she holds her keys like you.  And sometimes, when you get frustrated, you sound the same.  But you’re like Dad, too.  You have his humor, like we said.  You tell the truth, really bluntly.  That’s totally him.  And you admit when you’re wrong, which is a thing he always did.”

“Hmm,” Pearl muses.

“By the way, I’m not saying your choice not have kids isn’t valid,” Jesus offers.  “Just that there’s more than one way to have kids.  More than one way to make a family.”

“Right.  I know,” Pearl nods.  She shudders now.  “God, I hate tonight.  I keep checking the time.  Remembering where I was…  What was happening….  Everything…  Then.”

Jesus and Levi are quiet, listening.

“I had this watch I wore…it was like, a man’s watch, but I liked it because the screen lit up and I could see the digital numbers even if it was dark…  Somehow, in the struggle…it got turned…and the screen was stuck on.  So I just kept watching the numbers turn, waiting for it to be over.” Pearl admits.

“I used to try to spell words….” Jesus confesses.  “I was a terrible speller.  Still am.  But it would take up my time.  I’d stare at the ceiling or try to spell with any part of my body I could still move.  Usually my leg.  The first word I ever tried to spell was ‘disappear,’ but I had no idea how to spell it, but yeah.”

“Because you wanted to?” Levi asks softly.

“I think…I wanted to…like, wake up, and for it all to have been a dream.  It had just happened so I was still trying to wrap my head around it.  So, I thought…maybe if I keep wishing to disappear, I’ll wake up in my own bed at home?” Jesus asks.  “I don’t know.  I guess it doesn’t make much sense.”

“No, it does,” Levi insists.  “Like…I don’t remember doing anything like you guys do, but I know she…she had time to wash my clothes.  But it felt like seconds passed, you know?  Not long enough to wash and dry clothes.  Before I knew it, she was giving them back and telling me to move.  Put them on.  My dad was coming.  Finally.  But I was thinking, ‘Didn’t he just leave?”

“You were really dissociated,” Pearl offers, sympathetic.  

Levi looks at her, alarmed.

“No, it’s okay.  What I described?  What Jesus shared?  Those were dissociation, too.  Our mind’s way of sparing us…”

“So, it’s normal?” Levi asks, timid.

“It is,” Pearl reassures.  “You can keep going, if you want.”

“My dad came, and he was apologizing to her for being late.  And he seemed distracted.  The alarm had gone off at my grandma’s where my mom was.  He’d gone to check it out.  He drove home and we didn’t talk.  I asked how Mom was.  If she was okay.  He said she was, but he seemed upset.  I guess, I always thought he could tell about what I did at Carla’s…tracking all the mud inside…and that he was mad at me, too.  Maybe he knew Carla did that to me for punishment.  Maybe he said she could.  Maybe that’s why I never told.”

Pearl swallows.  “That’s awful, Levi.  I’m so sorry.  She had no right to do that.  No matter what.”

“I never told anybody that…” Levi admits.

“Makes sense,” Jesus nods.  “He…I mean…the guy?  He used to tell me my family didn’t want me.”

“But she never said that.  She barely talked,” Levi objects, so quiet.

“So, your mind filled in the blanks,” Jesus offers.  “That’s valid.”

“But what she did?” Levi checks.

“Not valid,” Jesus insists.  “Not at all.”

Levi shifts a little, so he’s looking at Pearl straight on: “Do you hate it when I talk about what she did?” he asks.

“I don’t.  I hate what she did to you.  But you have every right to talk about it.  Especially if you’ve been feeling like you had to keep quiet for a decade about it.  Do you hate it when I talk about what happened to me?”

“No.  I hate that it happened.  But when you talk about it, it makes me feel like I’m not alone,” Levi admits.

“Jesus?” Pearl asks.  

“I think…  It’s never on us to keep  _their_  secrets.  To carry  _their_  shame.  We have every right to talk about it.  About how it made us feel.”

“But do you hate us?” Levi presses.  “Because we’re complaining about our stuff and mine is really small compared to yours.  Both of yours.”

“Pearl?” Jesus asks.  “First rule of Trauma Club?”

“We don’t rank it,” Pearl finishes, smiling grimly.

“What’s Trauma Club?” Levi asks.

“I think it was the first iteration of The Avoiders,” Pearl muses.  “I wish we knew you then,” she says, hugging Levi.

“I was eleven.  No, you don’t,” he laughs.

“Francesca’s eleven and she’s awesome,” Jesus points out.

“Well, not all of us were as great as Francesca…” Levi ventures.

“I still wish I’d known you.” Pearl insists.  “Remember?  Human Hawaii or scary demon.  I love both versions of you.”

“Fine,” Levi relents, smiling.  “You can.”

“Good.  Because I do,” Pearl promises, pulling him close.

She hears him sigh.  Swears she can hear his guard coming down, brick by brick.

It’s the most beautiful sound.


	39. Chapter 39

Levi wishes it could always be like this.  Here, just existing together and supporting each other.  Nobody telling him that he’s making a big deal out of nothing.  Apologizing for mistakes.  It makes him feel like he can be even more honest - a little at a time.

“When I didn’t come back…after work?  It’s because sometimes I do this thing.”

Pearl tilts her head, listening.  Jesus is scratching Dudley’s head, but listening, too.

“I drove somewhere quiet.  Somewhere nobody was.  And I parked.  And I just screamed.  I felt…so bad about what happened to Dom and Francesca at SuperOne and…I don’t know. I couldn’t talk about it.  I know we’re supposed have Feelings Time and be able to talk about those things but I…couldn’t, I guess.  I didn’t have words.”

“Do you have words now?” Jesus asks.  

Levi shrugs, ducking his head.  “It’s embarrassing.  Having done it.  Like…it’s another one of those major reactions that normal people don’t have.”

“How about when you were screaming?” Jesus wonders.  “Do you know how you were feeling then?”

“Bad.  I said.” Levi insists, quiet.

“Can you be anymore specific?” Jesus asks.

“Like…guilty…” Levi ventures.  “Like it was my fault…”

Jesus just listens.  Waits.  Eventually, he asks.  “Kinda like how the abuse made you feel?”

Levi blinks.  “I guess…  Why does that matter?”

“Maybe you’ve been…looking for a reason…to get those screams out…” Pearl ventures.  “Maybe it’s what you wish you could have done…when my mom…hurt you…”

“So…maybe I wasn’t just overreacting…” Levi offers hesitant.  

“Either time,” Pearl fills in.  

Levi meets her eyes.  “Dominique said I can just walk out to my car and sit in it here and scream if I have to do that.  That I don’t have to drive away to do it.”

“You  _don’t_  have to drive away to do it…” Pearl echoes.  “You can have all the privacy you need.  But you don’t have to…take yourself away from us in order to feel what you feel…”

“I just…it’s loud…and I don’t wanna scare you.” Levi hedges.

“Levi, if you need the car as your boundary, use it.  We won’t interrupt you or come into your space.  But I’m just saying, we wanna be available.  When you do need us,” Jesus encourages.

“Do either of you guys know what that’s like?” Levi asks.  “Not having words?  Just…doing something…and not…fully understanding it?”

“Yeah,” Jesus nods.  “I get it more now, but back Then…I just…did it.”

Jesus doesn’t give specifics and Levi remembers his talks with Dominique.  Doesn’t push.

“I know this…probably isn’t what you meant…but I think I have trouble with recognizing and respecting your boundaries specifically, Levi, is because my mom never respected mine.  It wasn’t something I realized I was doing or even thought was wrong until this week.”

“But you respect Jesus’s.  Listen to what he says,” Levi points out.  He can’t keep the hurt out of his voice.

“I’m kinda just piecing this together now myself…but…  First, it’s not right that I’ve been doing that, and I’m so sorry.  I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m making excuses for my own unacceptable behavior.  But…I think it’s because…my mom…I don’t think she thought families ought to  _have_ boundaries?” Pearl ventures.  She cringes.  “I know that sounds terrible.”

“It sounds manipulative,” Jesus observes, no judgment.  “Controlling.”

“We had boundaries from the rest of the world.  Like, the two of us.  But…I don’t know if I can explain this…  Your rule in The Avoiders?  About knocking and waiting to hear ‘come in’ before opening a door?  Asking before touching someone else?  That feels excessive.  Because she always…felt entitled to see what I was doing.  She’d put my hair back, even  _dress_  me…like if I got a new jacket or something, she’d  _put it on_ me.  That always felt very normal.  Like because she was my mom, she got to do those things…”

“It’s not,” Jesus says matter-of-fact.

Levi feels a million miles away for a second, glad Carla never dressed him.  (Though she had no trouble with the reverse…)

“You okay?” Pearl asks.

“I just…” Levi shakes his head.  “Feel like I wanna go to my car…but I don’t,”

“You feel like you want to go to your car, why?” Jesus asks.

“Feelings,” Levi shrugs.

“Yeah.  It’s fine if you need to go scream for a bit.  We’ll be here,” Jesus tells him.

“What if…I wanna try to talk?” Levi asks.

“Then, we wanna be here for you.  Help.  You know, if we can,” Jesus says.

“Pearl, you saying that…made me think…of something.  But can I just tell Jesus?” Levi asks.

“It’s your trauma.  You can choose who you tell,” she encourages.

Levi cups his hand and whispers in Jesus’s ear: “Pearl said her mom dressed her.  She did the opposite to me.”

Jesus just looks at Levi for a long time.  Nods.  “That makes a lot of sense you’d wanna scream about that.”

“Levi, can I tell you something?” Pearl asks.  

He nods, wary.

“It’s not bad.  I just…want you to know that I’m doing my best to learn as much as I can about boundaries and not dismissing family as I can.  Because she did that to me, too, and I know sometimes I do that to you.  I don’t want to emulate her.  I’m going to do my best to be different.  To be someone you can trust.”

“You can’t help how you were raised,” Levi insists, wanting to let her off the hook.

“I think you can.  Once you’re at the age to recognize harm done to you…you can choose to do things differently with those  _you love_.” Pearl tells him seriously.

“Do you?” Levi asks.  

“Do I?” Pearl echoes, confused.

“Love me?” Levi looks away as he says it.

“I do love you.” Pearl says.

“Sorry, I know I asked that already,” Levi says, embarrassed.

“You need to hear it confirmed,” Pearl explains, sympathetic.  “I understand.”  She yawns.  “I think I need to go to bed, guys, I’m sorry.  I’m super ancient, and I need to sleep.”

“No, that’s a good idea,” Jesus nods.  “We’ve had late nights.  So I’m gonna head down.  Unless anybody wants hugs first.”

“I do,” Levi confirms.  When Jesus hugs him, it still brings tears to Levi’s eyes.

“We got more blankets you can have if you need them…” Jesus reassures.

Levi knows he’s saying that because of what he said about Carla pulling his jeans and boxers off.  He just nods and says “Okay.”

Jesus waits in case Pearl wants a hug, too, but she keeps her arms crossed and looks away.  Jesus goes downstairs and is back in minutes with a sleeping bag, a pillow and more blankets anyway.

Then, he leaves to go back downstairs.

“Was it too much?” Pearl asks, when they’re alone.  

“What?” Levi asks.  

“Hearing about what Mom was like when I was growing up?” Pearl specifies.

“Kinda.  It just reminded me of this one thing,” Levi admits.

“Mm-hmm,” Pearl admits, listening.

“You aren’t gonna make me tell you?” Levi checks.  “Or say it doesn’t matter?”

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to…and what you say  _does_  matter,” Pearl objects lightly.

“But it’s about your mom, though.  Doesn’t that…I don’t know…give you a right to know it?” Levi questions.

“I know she’d say yes.  But according to The Avoiders, if you don’t want to share something, you don’t have to.  And nobody has the right to work anybody else for information.”

“Do you think The Avoiders are right?” Levi checks.

“I do.” Pearl nods.

“But you used to think she was,” Levi points out.

“I did,” Pearl cringes.  “I didn’t know any better.”

“But now you do?” Levi asks.

“I’d like to think so,” Pearl nods.

“If you need me, you can, like, knock on the door tonight,” Levi says, even though the idea makes him nervous.

“I hope I’m too exhausted to bother you,” Pearl admits.

“Okay.  Good night,” he says.  “Hug?  No hug?” Levi checks.

Pearl keeps her arms crossed.  “I’m sorry.  I just can’t tonight.”

“It’s okay.  Your boundary,” Levi tells her.

For the first time since age eight, Levi finds himself wishing he could leave his bedroom door open.  Just so Pearl can know he’s close, if she needs him.  And vice versa maybe.

–

Pearl falls headlong into a nightmare.  A flashback.  Hell.

Jared’s here.  His Cool Water cologne.  His green eyes shining.  His teeth - always seeming too big for his mouth - glinting in the moonlight as he leans toward her,  Bites her on the neck like a vampire in one of those terrible  _Twilight_  books.  She can feel her life draining away from her.  Feels his tongue on her neck, lapping up the blood.

Her skin crawls.

“Stop,” she sobs.  “Why are you doing this?’

There’s a woof, and Pearl jerks awake.  Finds Cleo, not Jared, licking her face.

Her eyes adjust in the dark and she sits up, feeling watched.  She squints.  Dominique’s Nike’s with the neon stripe glow in the dark.  She’s on the stairs.

“What are you doing?” Pearl whispers.

“You were screaming,” Dominique says lowly, clearing her throat.

“Sorry.” Pearl apologizes.

Just then the light for the loft is hit and Pearl’s squinting against the harshness.  Levi’s there, dressed in sweats, staring blurry-eyed at them.  “What?  You guys okay?”

Pearl feels herself leaning away from him, and hates herself.  She knows Levi.  It’s just….she still  _feels_ Jared all over her.  And at 17, Levi’s almost the age Jared had been.

“We can swap,” Dominique insists.  “I can sleep up here,” she looks to Levi.  “If that’s cool.”  She glances one more time at Pearl.  “You can go climb in with Mari.  She’s a light sleeper.  Just knock.  Ask.”

“No, yeah, that’s cool with me,” Levi manages.  “If y’all are sure it’s cool with you.”

Pearl doesn’t need to be asked twice.  She takes her phone, utilizing the flashlight app and retreats down the stairs, tapping lightly on the bedroom door.

It’s pulled open in seconds, and Mariana invites her inside.

“Sorry, Dominique said we could swap,” Pearl apologizes shakily.  
  


“Yeah.  Want some Sleep lotion?” Mariana asks, offering it.

Pearl squirts a tiny amount into her hand, inhales and immediately rubs in the lavender and vanilla scent.  Feeling just barely calm.

“You okay with Cleo in your bed?”

“Mm-hmm.  You’re a package deal.  Like Jesus and Dudley.  I get it.”

“Sorry for screaming,” Pearl apologizes, feeling mortified.

“I get that, too.  I used to sleepwalk…so…” Mariana ventures.

“So, we all have sleep issues?” Pearl guesses, trying to calm her racing heart.  “Is that what you’re saying?  I’m in good company?”

“Yeah.  The best,” Mariana yawns.

“Does this door lock?” Pearl asks.

“Yeah.  You can lock it,” Mariana confirms.

“Thanks.”

–

“You’re home,” Dominique observes, taking in Levi’s rumpled appearance.  “How was it?”

“Fine.  She wasn’t there.”

“I didn’t wanna go…you know…I just…I mean.  Did Jesus tell you anything?”

“Self care?” Levi asks.

“Yeah, I guess that’s accurate,” Dominique sighs.  “I just…I didn’t wanna go.  I didn’t wanna break my word.  I hope you know that.”

“I know.  Jesus was there.  We were okay.” Levi confirms.  “Are you gonna be okay up here?  Would it feel better if I went back?” he nods at the bedroom at his back.

“You gonna jump me?” Dominique asks, because she’d rather just know.

“What?  No.  Dominique, no.” Levi whispers, horrified at the thought.

“Then you’re fine here.  Just…don’t fall asleep out here…” she warns.

“I won’t,” he promises.  “So, are you okay?  Did you get enough self care?”

“I probably never get enough self care,” Dominique admits.  “But…the brownies didn’t hurt…”  She yawns.

“I know, right?” Levi grins, and yawns too.  “All right.  I’m going in there.  Please…don’t come in.”

“I won’t.  I promise.  For real, this time.  Not like the time I gave you my word and I broke it.”

“You won’t come in…but will you leave?” Levi checks.  “‘Cause I kinda like the idea of not being all alone up here.”

“You’re not.  I’m here, too.” Dominique tells him seriously.  

“Okay,” Levi nods.  “You’re not, either,” Levi echoes, and it’s awkward but also, it touches her.

“Okay.” Dominique nods.  The light goes off.  His door closes.  Dominique tries to sleep.

 


	40. Chapter 40

When the day breaks, Pearl does, too.  When she finally fell back asleep last night?  She’d dreamed of tiny little Levi.  Of her mom, hurting him.  It’s why she’s awake now with tears on her face.

She doesn’t know what time it is.  Doesn’t care.  Doesn’t want to see anyone.  Just wants to hide until this weekend is over.  She pokes her head out from under the covers.  Bright daylight stabs her eyes.  Cleo licks her face.  Mariana’s not here, but there’s a note:

_Pearl,_

_Wanted to let you sleep but if you wake up and I am gone, I’ll be back.  Or Dom will (but no one else unless you OK it.)  Dom said she dropped off water and some breakfast for you.  There’s Kleenex too, and you’re welcome to use my lotion.  Jesus offered to walk Cleo for you today if you want.  Let us know if you need anything.  - M_

Pearl wipes her eyes and tries to focus on the bedside table, which is laden with every single supply Mariana mentioned.  It’s more than her mom did ever, alternately vaguely sympathetic and all about dragging Pearl out of bed to “join the living” any of the eight anniversaries she spent at home.

Her mom.  God.  

The guilt is enough to eat away at her.  Kill her even.  She needs her swing and her lights right about now, but the thought of moving, of facing anyone, makes Pearl nauseous.

She texts Levi.

_OK?_

A response comes immediately.

_Yes.  How are you??? :(_

_Pearl:_

_Hibernating.  Can’t face people.  Dreamed of you.  Little you.  So sorry I couldn’t help didn’t know didn’t do anything.  Whatever.  I should have._

_Levi:_

_Hibernating is a West fam specialty.  Us kids excel at it._

Somehow, Pearl chokes out a laugh.  Then she keeps reading:

_Levi:_

_And she did the wrong thing not you.  I don’t blame you_.  

Just like that, there are more tears:

_Pearl:_

_I do._

_Levi:_

_I know.  But I don’t.  I never did._

Pearl puts her phone down.  Prepares to bury herself under the blankets again, but catches sight of Mariana’s note again.  The mention of how Dominique dropped off food and water for her.  Pearl focuses on the bedside table.  A bottle of water and a closed Tupperware with brownies inside.

“God, how do they know…” Pearl manages, between sobs.  “How do they know I can’t eat real food right now?”

Cleo sits in her lap quietly.

Pearl manages another couple bites of brownie.  There’s a knock on the door.  Dominique.

Pearl swallows, and tries to brush herself off.  Get herself together.  So that Dominique doesn’t find her covered in crumbs, crying.

“Come in,” Pearl forces herself to say, even though she’s loathe to let anyone see her this way.  (It’s Dominique and Mariana’s room.  They have a right to it.  Pearl is the intruder right now.)

Dominique eases open the door, and closes it quickly behind her.  “Hey,” she greets, not looking away.  “If you want, Jesus is offering to walk her,” Dominique nods at Cleo.  “I can stay in the meantime.  Talk.  Or not talk.”

“Yeah, she probably needs to go.  Tell him thank you?” Pearl calls.

Dominique walks to the bed and picks up Cleo.  Cuddles her. “You ready to go for a walk with Jesus?” she asks, in a voice softer than Pearl has ever heard.  She walks Cleo to the door, and opens it.  Speaks lowly to Jesus, who Pearl assumes is outside the door.

“He’s not going alone, is he?” Pearl asks.  Still apparently hyper about everyone’s safety.

Dominique glances back and then keeps talking.  Eventually, she closes the door and comes back to sit in a chair by the wall.  “Levi and Francesca are going, too.  So Jesus won’t be alone with just Dudley and Cleo…”

Pearl sighs, relieved, and pulls the blankets back over her head.

“I know…what these days are like…okay?  I stay in bed, too.” Dominique shares.

“Is that why you brought me brownies?” Pearl asks, muffled.

“Eating’s hard when emotion’s high.  So having something you look forward to makes it easier.” Dominique explains.

“Was Levi okay last night?” Pearl checks again.

“Yeah.  He was fine.” Dominique says.

For some reason, this statement causes a massive lump to lodge in Pearl’s throat.  Tears to blur her eyes again.  “You can leave.  I’m such a disaster,” she sobs.

“You?  Are not a disaster.  You should see me in August…” Dominique shares.  “You can cry.  I can handle it.”

“It’s not even the thing from when I was sixteen…I mean it is…but…it’s Levi.  It’s that I couldn’t protect him.  I couldn’t do anything because I had no idea…  How does that happen?  I mean, I should have. I’m his sister.  And now all I have is this terrible guilt.”

Dominique just listens.

–

“Jesus, it was a good thing you said I should wear headphones last night.  Because Pearl?  Screams loud.  Not as loud as you.  But still…” Francesca rambles trying to keep up with the dogs.

“Did you get back to sleep okay?” Jesus checks.

“Yeah, when everybody stopped walking everywhere and turning on lights and closing doors.  This trip makes me realize…I’m so not good at sleepovers.” Francesca observes.

“That’s okay.  You’re good at other stuff,” Jesus reminds her.

“I know,” Francesca nods.  “Like Avoider missions looking for people outside.  Helping Dominique.  Helping you,” Francesca rattles off.  “Still, I think we should just not go anywhere today.  You don’t have to work again, right, Levi?” she checks.

“Not this weekend, no.” Levi shakes his head.

“Good.”  Francesca nods.

“What about you?” Jesus asks Levi.  “Sleep okay?”

“Kinda?” Levi admits, unable to stop himself from scanning the woods for a short white woman in blue jeans, a navy windbreaker with blonde hair.  “I was up a long time.  So, I’m pretty tired, too.”

“Maybe we could watch  _Moana_  together, all of us.  Maybe that will make Pearl wanna come out.  ‘Cause she didn’t get to see it last time.”

“Well, Pearl might need space today,” Levi cautions.  “Because it’s…a hard couple days for her,” he stutters.  Still getting used to figuring out just how to respect people’s boundaries and privacy.

“It’s her traumaversary, I know,” Francesca nods.  “I won’t be annoying.  I’ll just ask once if she wants to watch with us.  If she’s out of the bedroom.  She can say no if she wants.”

“I’d like to watch Moana with you…even if Pearl doesn’t…” Levi offers.

“Jesus?  Do you want to?” Francesca checks.

“I’d check it out…but if I have to step away or stop watching…I need you not to make a big deal or tease.  Sometimes things just get hard and I don’t know they’re gonna be hard if it’s something new…”

“Like, I didn’t know I couldn’t go down curbs ‘til I  was at one.  And you didn’t make fun of me.” Francesca remembers.  

“Right.  I just gave you a hand,” Jesus says.

“You can hold my hand if you want.  Sometimes that helps during scary parts.  But I won’t make fun of you if you have to stop.  Or be too sad if you can’t watch.  Because Levi and I can still watch.  Because you love Moana right?  And Te Ka and Te Fiti.  And I love Maui.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Jesus says.

“Yeah, I love all those people,” Levi nods.  “And all  _these_  people,” he gestures.  “We seriously need to keep in touch after this weekend.  We need, like, some kind of group chat.”

“Yeah, maybe an Avoiders messenger thing,” Jesus comments.

“No fair!  I can’t be on Facebook ‘til I’m 13!” Francesca whines.

Levi watches to see what will happen next. Jesus and Francesca have a cool relationship that Levi would love to try and have with Pearl.  Jesus and Francesca are far apart in age, too.  So, Levi’s been watching them a lot for tips.

But Jesus doesn’t say anything.  He’s stopped walking.  Dropped Dudley’s leash.  Dudley’s whining.

“Jesus.  Seriously, it’s not fair if I can’t be in it.  It’s not Avoiders if it’s not all of us!” Francesca insists.

“Hey, Francesca? I think something’s wrong…” Levi says quietly.  

–

Jesus’s finger is killing him.  He’s doing everything he can not to scream.  But the memories are coming, fast and vivid as hell.  Trying to sneak His Facebook password and getting his finger smashed.  Almost getting killed.  He’d been the same age as Francesca is now.

Somehow, that memory, and one of the last when Jesus was outside digging all day long - when he’d needed to play dumb about it - have merged.  Jesus had needed to pretend he didn’t suspect he was digging his own grave.  Pretend the idea of being absent from school the very next day and for “a long time” was something he wanted.  Jesus had whined, just like that.  It was like hearing himself played back on some old audio file saved in the back of his brain.

He’s at Level 3-automatic-panic.  The highest level of disappearing.  His brain’s scrambling.  The pain is distant now.  He hears blood rushing in his ears.  Sees people.  Trees.  Dogs.  Can’t hear them.

If he can’t hear, he won’t know when He’s coming.  Glances around but it doesn’t help.  Everything is blurry.

There’s a whining - not human - one of the dogs.  On his hind legs.  Front paws on Jesus’s chest, licking his face.  Dudley.

But being back makes the pain come back.  Jesus clenches his teeth as pressure and pain explode in the same finger He’d slammed brutally in the desk drawer, when He’d caught Jesus snooping for His Facebook password.  Jesus remembers how He held it closed on his finger, yelling.

Jesus knows enough to know it’s not really happening, but he also knows the pressure and the pain won’t stop until he says the right thing:

“ _I’m not smart_ ,” he rasps, a quiet whisper.

–

“Jesus?” Francesca asks, afraid.  

She’s really never seen him look like this before.  Usually if he’s kinda blank, she can just offer him food or water, and that helps.  But they don’t have any of that out here.

Plus, he isn’t just blank like usual.  There are tears in his eyes.

“Hey, Francesca?  Can you do me a really big favor and walk Cleo back to the cabin for Pearl?  She’ll be missing her.  Stay inside with Mariana, okay?” Levi says, like Francesca can’t figure out he’s just trying to get rid of her.

“What about Jesus?  What about you?” Francesca worries.

“We’ll come, too,” Levi promises.

“But you don’t know anything about trauma.  And you just left that one time you said you were coming in with me before,” Francesca objects.

“I really need you to listen and do what I say right now, please,” Levi says like he’s begging.  “I wanna help Jesus.  But I want you to be safe, too.  The cabin is right there.  You see it, right?”

“Yeah,” Francesca nods.

“Take Cleo inside, please.  Stay there with Mariana.” Levi repeats.

Francesca bites her lip and nods, almost tripping over a stick as she follows Cleo back to the cabin.

–

“I know all about guilt,” Dominique shares, sprawled out on the bed with Pearl, undeterred by Pearl’s mountain of Kleenex.

“Is there anything that makes it bearable?” Pearl asks.

Dominique sighs.  “Do you want a pat answer, or truth?”

“Truth,” Pearl manages, blowing her nose.

“It’s been ten years…and my guilt’s always there.  It’s faded a bit.  But things can still spark it to life again.”

“So, I’ll just have to live with it…” Pearl manages.

“Have you talked to Levi?” Dominique asks.  “About this?”

“Yes,” Pearl swallows.

“And?” Dominique prompts.

“And he says he doesn’t blame me.” Pearl admits.

“So, listen to him.  Believe him,” Dominique urges.  “Levi is alive.  He’s here for you to talk to.”

“Could you?” Pearl asks softly.  “If…your guilt…whoever that represents.  If they said they didn’t blame you…could you stop?  Just like that?”

“Maybe,” Dominique allows.  “Maybe I’d have a chance to stop letting the guilt eat me alive.  But I don’t.  Because my Levi isn’t here to tell me he doesn’t blame me.  Him being here to tell you that?  That’s a gift.  Don’t waste that.  Don’t dismiss it out of hand.”

Dominique gets that she could be seriously out of line here but she can’t stop herself.

The bedroom door opens and closes.  They can hear Cleo’s nails on the floor.  Dominique bends down to pick her up.  To set her on the bed  with Pearl.

“If your Levi were here…you’d just believe them, though?  Because I don’t know if I can do that…” Pearl admits, burying her face in Cleo’s fur.  “Just forgive myself.”

“I can tell you this,” Dominique offers, sympathetic.  “I know I’d never stop listening.  I’d never stop trying to believe it.”  

–

Mariana’s trying to get breakfast dishes loaded in the dishwasher (because with Jesus still iffy on cleaning stuff and Dominique’s just…not a big cleaner that leaves her and Fran to stay on top of chores and Francesca’s eleven so…

She hears the door open and close, but doesn’t hear the lock turn.  That’s enough to have Mariana drying her hands and going out to the living room to investigate.  

“Hey.  Where are Jesus and Levi?” Mariana asks, seeing just Francesca.  “And the dogs?”

“I let Cleo go back to Pearl,” Francesca nods.  “But Jesus and Levi are still outside.”

Mariana can tell by the way Francesca won’t look her in the eye that something’s up.  “Francesca.  What?”

“I think I triggered him, okay?” she admits softly.  “It was just an accident.”

“Okay,” Mariana echoes.  “I’ll go.  See if I can help.”

“No, Levi said for me to bring Cleo back and stay here with you.  If you leave, I’ll be by myself…” Francesca worries.  “Levi said he’d help.”

Mariana lets out a breath.  “Okay.  Wanna help me load the dishes?”

Francesca wrinkles her nose.  “No.”

“We could set your I-Pad up on the counter.  Watch Netflix?” she offers

“Okay, fine, I’ll help,” Francesca nods.  “But let’s do it without Netflix, it’ll go faster.”

“Sounds good,” Mariana smiles, to hide her nerves.  She wonders how Levi’s planning to help Jesus.  Wonders what happened.

–

The truth is, Levi has no idea what to do to help Jesus.  All he has to go on is what he’s watched the other Avoiders do to support each other.

“Jesus?” Levi asks, tentative.  “It’s Levi.”

It doesn’t seem like anything’s getting in for Jesus, who just keeps murmuring the same thing under his breath.

“Can you hear me?” Levi tries.

Jesus keeps murmuring, but Levi doesn’t miss the nod.  

“Okay, cool.  Listen.  You look stressed.  Is something bothering you?”

Levi watches him carefully but can’t see any indication that Jesus heard that question.  He tries again.  “Does something hurt?”

Jesus nods.  Covers his right hand with his left, holding it to his body.

“Your hand?” Levi asks.  “We can get ice.”

Jesus clears his throat.  “It’s not real.  I’m…flashing back.”

“So?  We can still get ice…” Levi offers, though he doesn’t fully understand.  “You want to?”

“I can’t yet,” Jesus says, flinching.

“Okay.  We got time.  “Right, Dudley?”

Dudley whines, still licking Jesus’s face.

“Dudley says we got time,” Levi confirms softly.

Jesus is still wincing.  Still cradling his hand.

“Did you…like…smash it on something?  What happened?” Levi asks, confused.  He gets that Jesus said it was a flashback, but those don’t come from nothing.  Levi’s thinking maybe Jesus hurt it outside here and he and Francesca just missed it.

“Part of the flashback…” Jesus gasps.  “It’s a…body memory.”

Levi winces, too.  “Can I help?”

Just like that, it seems like Jesus is a million miles away again.  Levi’s at a loss.  But he remembers one thing from last night.  “You don’t have to disappear,” he offers.

Jesus blinks.  Shakes his head.  “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be.  I just…do you need a distraction?  To talk about it?  What?” Levi wonders, trying to keep his own anxiety down.

“I can…have ice?  Even though it’s…not real?” Jesus manages.

“Yeah, of course.” Levi confirms.

“I can’t talk about Facebook,” Jesus insists, and Levi is so lost at the non sequitur.  Luckily, Jesus can see it, too, and offers more context.  “Francesca…talked about it.  And that’s when this happened…  When I was her age.  With…my trauma.”  Tentatively, Jesus holds out his right hand.  Levi can’t see anything wrong, but knows, that doesn’t mean nothing  _is_.

“He…hurt your hand?  For asking about Facebook?” Levi guesses.

“Smashed this finger,” Jesus points with his left hand, to the right pointer finger.  “The nail turned all black and fell off.  It took, like, two months to grow back.  And I know…it…it’s fine…like right now?  But it’s seriously killing me.  And I never got ice.  Not before.”

“Well, we can get you ice now,” Levi encourages.  “Hold Dudley’s leash in the other hand.”

Jesus does.  Slowly, he starts to move.  “Would you…?  Would you  _tell me_  what to do?  Like, give it to me and make me use it?” Jesus asks.  

“No.  I don’t like telling people what to do.” Levi admits.  

“My mom - one of my moms? - she did that before.  I’d hurt myself and she just got ice out and told me where to put it,” Jesus admits.

“No, I wouldn’t do that.” Levi tells him.

“Before that she said, like, ‘Let me see’ but then she didn’t look…she like felt with her hands all around the back of my head, and it was really sore…” Jesus winces at the memory.  Or at now.

“I wouldn’t touch your finger.  I know it’s sore.” Levi promises.  “Avoiders’ honor.”

They’re approaching the cabin door.

“Can you mention to Francesca…not to talk about Facebook…or not getting one…or whatever?  Like don’t be mean about it.  But like, can you tell her it’s a thing?”

“Yeah, I can tell her,” Levi nods.  He opens the door.  Lets Dudley lead Jesus in first.  Levi follows, closing and locking the door.  Then heading out to the kitchen, where Francesca’s at the sink handing Mariana dishes.

He opens the freezer and finds an ice pack.  Wraps it in a towel.  Mariana steps away from the sink and motions to Levi for the ice pack.  He gives it to her.  She walks to the living room.  

“Hey, Francesca?” Levi calls softly.  “Come here for a sec?”

She does, her eyes wary.  

“So, Jesus is okay, and he knows you didn’t mean to, but he asked me to tell you that it would really help if you didn’t mention Facebook to him…”

“But _he_  did,” Francesca says, confused.

“Actually, I think he said Messenger.  Those aren’t always separate, but they can be.” Levi clarifies.  

“Trauma is so confusing,” Francesca says sadly.  “I keep messing up and scaring him.”

“You wanna know something?” Levi asks, lowering his voice.  “Last night?  I accidentally scared Pearl, too.  It sucked. I felt really sad about it.”

“What did you do?” Francesca wonders.

“Well, I’m just doing what we do as Avoiders, I think.  Respecting her boundaries.  Not coming in her space without asking.  Realizing that - for right now - being around me might be kinda scary for her.”

“But we’re not scary,” Francesca protests.

“No, we’re not.  And I’m new to this trauma thing.  But I don’t think trauma always knows that we’re not scary.  And sometimes it might tell Jesus or Pearl we are.  So the best thing we can do to help is let them come to us.  When they’re ready.”

“I hate trauma,” Francesca pouts, wiping her eyes.  

Levi doesn’t know what to say to that.  So he tries, “Wanna go watch Moana?”

Francesca doesn’t answer, but she goes with him.

They find Jesus on the couch icing his finger with Mariana sitting nearby.  

Levi texts Pearl:

_Want to watch the goddess version of me in Moana?? :)_

She doesn’t text back right away, but Levi doesn’t push.  He settles in on the floor next to Francesca.

“Do you think trauma really hates us?  Or do you think it doesn’t really know it’s us and makes them think we’re bad people?” Francesca whispers.

“For me, it’s the second one.  Trauma doesn’t make me hate other people, it just makes me confused about them.  Like Pearl the other day with the cookies.” Levi whispers back.

“And me with Facebook today?” Francesca whispers again, making sure Jesus can’t hear.

Levi nods.

“Then I guess I don’t hate trauma,” Francesca decides, turning her attention to the movie.

“Cool,” Levi says and settles in as the music starts.


	41. Chapter 41

Jesus sits on the couch with Mariana.  Ice on his hand, just like Levi said could happen.  But he is not okay.  Not even close.  Because there are things Jesus doesn’t talk about.  Ever.  To anyone.  

He’d come close a few times, to telling Dr. H. over the six years he saw her, especially when he started opening up more about Isaac.  But the truth is, no one really knows about one specific week of his kidnapping.  Jesus keeps it buried so deep that it only comes back in the worst of his nightmares.  Where he wakes up sure he’s actually dying.

Jesus still remembers in the weeks after Isaac’s death, how He had commented - seemingly out of the blue - “ _Gave that one a taste of Hell Week.  But he couldn’t take it.  Not like you.”_

That’s how Jesus had known, no doubt, how Isaac had died.  He knew because he’d been through it himself.  It hadn’t mattered that He’d said in interviews after He was arrested, but before He killed Himself that Isaac had been sick for a while.  It hadn’t mattered that Jesus himself remembered the color in Isaac’s face and how bright his eyes looked that last day.  How, at twelve, Jesus had mistaken the fever for extra energy.  For a sign that Isaac was improving.

Jesus’s finger hurting was just the beginning.  He feels dizzy.  Wooden.  Distant.  He remembers feeling this same way when he first came home.  Like he literally couldn’t keep his balance.  Kept tripping.  Kept retreating under the piano to sleep huge chunks of the day away.

When it’s time for lunch, Jesus feels like he’s just barely here.  The only way he knows for sure is Dudley, who has his front paws and his head resting on Jesus all the time.  Keeps licking his face and whining.  Mariana’s next to him, talking, but Jesus can’t hear her.

She should just leave him.  It’s really for the best if everybody just keeps their distance right now, but Jesus can’t tell her that.  Can’t say anything.  Feels like he did the day He finally let Jesus come upstairs and shower, after everything.  Where He told Jesus not to do anything like think, or plan.  Reminded him that he was just a warm body.

Jesus blinks a little when Mariana has a plate of food and is looking at him, questions on her face.  Jesus clamps his mouth shut.  Remembers this.  How a huge part of Hell Week was not letting Jesus eat anything for days but doing all kinds of sick things that made Jesus never wanna eat again.

Mariana offers Jesus the plate.  Jesus doesn’t move.  Doesn’t take it.  Knows the drill.  Just because food is there, he can never assume it’s for him.

In the back of his mind, there’s fear.  There’s a memory of being home fresh, maybe 10 or 11 days?  And this happening.  Shutting down.  Not eating.  And how Moms had made him eat.  How they tried to act reassuring but really they just ended up acting like Hm.  Forcing things in.  Getting impatient when he couldn’t stop himself from spitting back out whatever they made him put in his mouth.

Jesus remembers how they kept trying.  Switching off when one got too frustrated.  How it got so he couldn’t drink water, even.  And that was how Dr. H. came.  

In Jesus’s mind, she just appeared one day.  It was just her and him.  Jesus was under the piano, practically covered in his yellow blanket from Officer Saunders, the police officer who stayed with him until Stef could come.  Like Officer Saunders, Dr. H. just sat with him.  When he didn’t answer when she talked to him, Dr. H. wrote him Post-It notes.  (Jesus still has them.)

_My name is Dr. Hitchens.  You can call me Dr. H.  What would you like me to call you?_

Jesus had taken the note.  Folded it.  But hadn’t responded.  Dr. H. had given him his own stack of notes.  And a pen.

She had written a bunch more.  Complimenting Jesus’s choices for how to stay safe.  Saying how the piano was strong and the bench made a good boundary.

Jesus had studied it and then written, shakily:  _Boundary?_

_A boundary is a limit.  It tells people to stop.  It tells them ‘I need space.’_

Jesus remembers scratching out the word  _food_  when Dr. H. eventually brought the subject up.  Giving her a note back that said:  _ **BOUNDARY**_.

Jesus is wishing he had that note right now, so he could give it to Mariana.  He’s pretty scared she’s gonna do the same thing Moms did even though nobody knows about it.  The rushing is actually painful now.  Jesus wishes the fort was still up out here, but it’s not.  He doesn’t want to go under the table, because that would take him even closer to food.

So he just keeps his jaw clenched.  Doesn’t move.  Eventually, Mariana backs off, but leaves the plate.  The bottle of water.  Jesus’s whole body aches.  Feels like he might gag if he opens his mouth.

He sees Dominique eventually.  Knows Francesca’s watching her movie.  That Jesus promised to give it a try but he can’t.  

Jesus is firmly in Level 3 because Level 2 of dissociation is a Facebook game called Cookie Land, where he goes if he’s hungry, usually.  But usually Facebook’s not the trigger.  So, for the first time ever, Cookie Land’s not an option.  It makes Jesus feel even more distant.

That makes the pain fade.  But it’s still always there.  He doesn’t feel human.

Something moves in his peripheral vision.  Jesus tunes into it, but doesn’t turn his head.  Levi.  Because he doesn’t come at Jesus, or into his space, Jesus eventually makes eye contact.

Levi raises his eyebrows, holds out a bowl of Rocky Road ice cream.

The rushing fades just barely, from painful, to just loud.  Jesus looks at Levi.  Ignores the ice cream.  Levi comes a little closer, takes out his phone and shows Jesus the blank Memo screen.  

Levi types a few seconds, then shows Jesus the screen again:

_Sugar helps, right?_

Jesus blinks.  Shakes his head a little to clear it.  Nods.

“Yeah,” he manages.  It’s soft.  Monotone.  Like it was There, when he was just a warm body.

“Can you hear me?” Levi asks easily.

Carefully, Jesus nods.

“Can I leave this here for you?” Levi asks.

Jesus nods again, and he’s shocked when Levi sets the bowl of ice cream on the couch, right by his free hand.

It reminds him of the breakthrough he’d had with Dr. H. when he was 13.  When she met him.  Hiding under the piano.  She eventually was able to convince him it was safe to talk about food.  Asked if there was one food in the whole world that felt safe for him to eat.

Jesus had drawn Isaac’s imaginary ice cream sundae in detail.  Showed her.

Though he doesn’t remember what happened next, he does remember feeling shocked when she offered him a bowl and a spoon, right where he was, under the piano.  In it was one scoop of vanilla ice cream, covered in chocolate syrup.

The note with it assured Jesus there was more, and he could have it, but Dr. H. didn’t want to overwhelm him.

It’s why Levi’s three scoops of Rocky Road bring tears to his eyes.

It takes Jesus a while, but eventually, he takes a bite.  It’s shaky.  Hard as hell.  But it’s cold, so he doesn’t have the strong as hell urge to spit it back out.  He can eat.  Levi and Francesca and Dominique are all here but not staring.  They’re watching Fran’s movie.  It helps.  And having Dudley here helps.

Vaguely, Jesus wonders about Pearl and Mariana.  Figures they must be hanging out somewhere together.  Finds himself glad that even though he can’t be there for Pearl, the others can be.

Jesus snags his yellow blanket and holds onto it once the ice cream’s gone.  Digs to the bottom of his bag and takes out the scarf Pearl knitted him years ago when he was sixteen.  It’s yellow - same as the blanket.

He’s debating where to put it - around his neck or waist - when Levi’s voice surprises Jesus and he jumps a little:

“Looks like my sister made it,” he observes, wincing at Jesus’s reaction.  “Sorry,” he lowers his voice.

“She did,” Jesus nods.  His voice is still too flat.

“You need anything?” Levi asks, bracing himself on his arms and looking back at Jesus.

_“No.” Eleven-year-old Jesus answers blankly from inside him.  Knows warm bodies don’t need anything._

“Explain,” Jesus begs, his voice heavy.

“Yeah, I will.” Levi says, scooting back, to sit so his back is to the couch, affording them a bit more privacy. “What do you need explained?”

Jesus checks that Francesca and Dominique are still busy.  Not watching them.  That Pearl isn’t out here.  That Mariana won’t come with anymore food.

“Human stuff,” Jesus manages.

“Okay….” Levi hedges.  “I haven’t really done this before.  So…  Maybe…can you narrow it down a little?  What kind of human stuff?”

“You gave me ice cream,” Jesus points out.

“I did,” Levi answers.

“Warm bodies don’t need ice cream,” Jesus continues.  He feels the ache in his wrists and ankles building.

“Okay, well you are not that.  You’re a human.  And humans  _have_ bodies, yeah.  But nobody’s  _just_  a warm body, Jesus.  Nobody alive, anyway.” Levi insists.

“I don’t get it,” Jesus says, feeling terror rise in him.  Admitting he can’t follow a simple conversation will get him called a dumbass for sure.  And Jesus isn’t sure he can take that.

“You are not a warm body.  You’re a human,” Levi tries again.

“That’s why you gave me ice cream?  Let me eat?  Didn’t force me?  Or…”

“Yes.” Levi answers.

“Because I’m human…even if…I maybe don’t  _feel_ that?” Jesus manages.

“Right.  Yeah,” Levi nods.  “We don’t force each other to do things.  Or take away basic needs.”

“I feel submissive,” Jesus offers, quiet.  “So…”

“So, what does that mean?  Like, how can I help?” Levi asks.

“Don’t ask me to do anything?” Jesus asks, hesitant.  “Because I will.  I’ll just do it.  Because I still don’t feel human.”

“Because…is that compliant?  Like, what you guys were telling me about?” Levi asks.

“Yeah.  Same thing,” Jesus nods.

“You’re human,” Levi reassures.  “You’re Jesus, okay?  And we all got your back.”

Jesus nods at the empty space next to him on the couch.

“You want me to sit next to you?” Levi asks.  “Is that consent?”

“Yes,” Jesus says, voice low.  “But tell me when you’re standing.  Moving.  Keep explaining.”

Levi tells Jesus when he’s going to stand up and when he’s standing.  When he’s backing up to the couch and when he’s sitting.

“I wondered…” Jesus hedges, once Levi’s beside him.  “If I could tell you something nobody else knows.  About my moms.  Or if you don’t wanna know any mom stuff.”

“You can tell me,” Levi nods.

“Just…I don’t know if anybody else would believe.  Or get it.  You know?” Jesus asks.  He waits until Francesca and Dominique head outside together and the living room is empty before continuing.

“I will,” Levi tells him.  

“So, this one time…I was feeling like this.  The same as now.  And that means…I can’t eat because I just…” Jesus shudders.  “It was maybe 10 days after I got home.  But all my sibs were out of the house.  So it was just me and moms.  And there was this…string of meals where I couldn’t eat.  They told me I could.  Sat with me. But eventually, Mama moved in next to me.  Started poking food into me.  I didn’t notice at first.  Not til she said…s-swallow.  I did, and then I gagged…”

Levi looks at him, sympathetic.

“Mama decided maybe I was overwhelmed.  They left me alone until lunch.  The same thing happened.  Except this time, I clenched my teeth, so it was harder to sneak the food in.  Mom kept saying it was okay, but she was frantic, kinda.  Eventually, she got everything into me, but the same thing happened after.”

Levi winces.

“Dinner time, they both were switching off, trying to get me to eat, and, like, probably if I was any other kid they wouldn’t have tried so hard, but I came home super underweight.  Like, the size of my 10-year-old little bro and I was 13 and a half.  So they were worried.  Kept on me to eat.  Then coming at me with the spoon.  This time, when they got it in my mouth, I couldn’t stop myself.  I had this major impulse to just spit out everything.  And I did.  They kinda yelled.  I tried to get up and stand behind the chair, because that used to be a thing?  But then it was Mom holding me in the chair and Mama with the spoon,” he shudders.

“I hate that they did that to you,” Levi cringes.  “I get that they were worried, but there  are better ways…”

“Then next day, I refused to come out from under the piano.  It’s one of the first places I found in the house I felt safe.  I barricaded myself under that thing.  I wasn’t gonna come out ever.  Even though I knew that Moms could totally handle me physically if they wanted to.  But yeah.  Then there was a lady.”

Levi blinks, confused.  “Like…an extra lady?”

“My therapist.  Eventually,” Jesus clarifies.  “She talked to me.  Got through to my parents.  Asked what felt safest to eat.  I said ice cream, and she brought me some.  So…”

“So, me bringing you ice cream was hopefully safe?” Levi asks.

“Nobody knows my moms did that,” Jesus sighs.  “They never apologized.  Never told my therapist.  Neither did I.”

“That sucks,” Levi tells him.  “They should’ve.  How were you supposed to think they were any different than…” he trails off.  “The guy.”

“This is a really big trigger.  The Facebook thing…  It makes me remember…another thing I’ve never shared…that I probably never will share,” Jesus looks Levi in the eye.

“You don’t have to,” Levi insists.  “You don’t owe me your story.  And I won’t tell anybody what you shared already.  I know not to do that, and I won’t.”

“Just…can you tell them?  Not to ask me to do anything?  To be really careful with food?  That I don’t feel very human? Or very safe?”

“Sure, if that’s what you want me to tell them, I will.” Levi nods.  He shows Jesus he’s sending out a text, and that it says just what Jesus needs it to say.

“Sorry for unloading on you.” Jesus apologizes.  “Was it too much?” Jesus asks, trying not to move a lot and aggravate his sore body.

“Not at all.  Makes me feel less weird,” Levi tells him.  “Not saying that you’re weird.  Just…that you guys have triggers, too.  It’s not just me.”

“Definitely.  Hey.  Would you mind hanging out?  Having you here helps.”

“Really?” Levi asks, surprised.  “Yeah, I’ll hang out.”

So they just sit.  And it helps a little.

(And a little is a lot when Jesus had been sure that nothing would.)


	42. Chapter 42

Pearl wakes up after falling asleep as a defense mechanism and finds a strange text on her phone from Levi:

_Avoiders - Jesus wants you to know, please don’t ask him to do anything.  Be careful with food and know that he is not feeling very human or very safe.  (Pearl please let M, D and F know.  Thanks.)_

“What’s this text from Levi?” Pearl asks, spotting Mariana in the chair in the corner now.

“What text?” Mariana asks.

“To the Avoiders, regarding Jesus.  _Don’t ask him to do anything, be careful with food and know he is not feeling very human?_   Do you know anything about that?  Is he okay?  Is Levi?”

“I don’t know much,” Mariana offers.  “Just that, Francesca came inside and mentioned she accidentally triggered Jesus while they were walking the dogs.  Levi came in with him a bit later.”

“Are you sure they didn’t see my mom?” Pearl presses.

“Fran didn’t mention her, no.  And she knows what your mom looks like.  She spent enough time spying out the door when your mom was hanging around…  No, I don’t think it’s related.  But if you’re worried, text Levi and ask him.”

Pearl does, ignoring the plate of food that’s now where the brownies used to be.  (Though Cleo seems interested.)  Pearl tries to focus through the massive headache she develops whenever she cries too much and texts:

_Is Jesus O.K.?  You guys didn’t see Mom or anything, did you?_

_Levi:_

_He says to tell you he is triggered.  No, didn’t see her.  A different trigger.  Just Jesus’s._

Pearl texts:

_Are YOU O.K.???_

_Levi:_

_Yeah, just hanging out w/ Jesus.  Dominique and Francesca are outside.  How are you and Mariana?_

_Pearl:_

_Just wanna sleep.  Mariana keeps bringing me food.  Not hungry._

_Levi:_

_You know I read this thing once?  On Tumblr?  That if you are having a hard time w/ eating, self care etc?  Pretend there is a demon inside and he needs a strong host to survive._

_Pearl:_

_What???_

_Levi:_

_I’m just saying, it worked for me when I didn’t think I could eat.  Feed the demon._

He sends a wink.  Then a heart.

Pearl turns her phone over, setting it aside.  “My brother suggests pretending there’s a demon inside me that needs to be fed…in order to be able to eat today…”

“Yeah, I read that,” Mariana perks up.  “On Tumblr,” she clarifies, when Pearl looks confused.  “I used to have a blog there.  A million years ago.  How are you doing?  You know, with everything today?”  

Hesitantly, Pearl takes the plate, and manages a bite of chicken soup.  “Just avoiding like a classic Avoider.  I’m sorry I’m avoiding most of you guys in the process, though…” she manages.

“Hey, boundaries are good.  Sometimes we trigger each other.  It makes sense to wanna keep that a low possibility.”

“Thank you for understanding,” Pearl nods, thinking of Levi’s demon analogy and eating another bite of soup.

–

Finally, Francesca gets to try out her brand new life jacket with Dominique on the dock.  The only thing is, Levi isn’t here, too.  Francesca kinda wanted to come out here with both of them.  But Jesus needs Levi right now.  And Francesca always wants time with Dominique, just the two of them.

Dominique walks Francesca out slowly and they hold hands.  They don’t have to rush.  And Dominique doesn’t make fun of Francesca at all for being scared to walk on it.

For a while, they don’t talk.  Dominique teaches her songs instead.  Right now, Francesca’s learning  _Home_  from  _The Wiz_.  (She’s already learned all of  _Seasons of Love_  from  _RENT_  so that Dominique’s cat, Roberta, will like her better.  Since Roberta loves  _RENT_.)

When they finish learning the first verse of the song, Francesca asks: “Do you think Jesus knows?”

“Knows what, babe?” Dominique wonders.

“That I didn’t mean to?” Francesca asks.  “You know, trigger him?”

“I think he knows Avoiders don’t hurt each other on purpose…” Dominique offers.

“But I don’t know.  Like, I don’t know if he knew he  _was_  an Avoider.  He just…looked…scary.  I don’t know.  Like not there.”

“Babe, can I talk to you about a trauma thing?” Dominique asks.

Francesca glances at her, surprised.  “What do you mean?  I don’t have trauma things…”

“Okay, well can I talk to you about something personal, then?  It’s not to make fun, I promise.”

“Okay…” Francesca hedges.  “What?”

“You know The Thing you’ve been thinking about telling my mom?” Dominique wonders.

Francesca feels a million butterflies start flapping their wings in her chest.  “Why?”

“You’re not in trouble right now, babe.  I promise.  I’m trying to explain something to you.  That’s all.  Sometimes, it’s easier to understand stuff, when it’s connected to a personal experience of your own.”

“Okay,” Francesca breathes.  She leans against Dominique so their arms touch.  She’s leaning on some of Dominique’s scars even, but that’s okay, because Dominique said she could, and that they don’t hurt.

“So…The Thing…  I have experience with that, too.” Dominique shares.

“I know.  The other night when I helped you.” Francesca remembers.

“Right.  So, that happens?  And why we do that is…we’re trying to go away inside ourselves.  To hide from bad memories or pain or trauma.  While we’re hiding out, it can feel hard to let anything else in.  Even safe people.  ‘Cause it’s hard to know the difference.”

“So…” Francesca ventures.  “I don’t get it.”

“So, Jesus was trying to hide from bad memories.  From trauma.  He went away inside himself because his trauma got too much for him.  That makes it really hard to focus on anything extra.  Like knowing we’re Avoiders.  But once he feels safer?  He’ll be able to use his energy to focus on knowing he’s an Avoider.”

“Because sometimes his trauma gets too big?” Francesca asks.

“Right.  But we should try not to assume that because he’s triggered, he doesn’t know things.  Because he does.  Your brother is very smart.  And sometimes, he just has to wait for his brain to calm down before he can focus on more things.”

“I didn’t mean to say, like, he was stupid.  I know hearing that makes his trauma stronger.  I just…didn’t know.  What it meant.  His blankness.”

“It’s called dissociating,” Dominique tells her.

“Dis-sociating?  That’s when you go inside yourself away from bad memories?  Sometimes hurt yourself?”

“Right.  It’s protective.  Jesus’s brain was trying to protect him from something scary.”

“I said Facebook to him,” Francesca sighs.  “And I whined.  And whining is hard for him to hear.  I didn’t know the Facebook part but I knew that.  I shouldn’t have whined.”

“Everyone makes mistakes, babe.” Dominique reassures.  “When Jesus’s brain can handle focusing on extra things and when he feels safe again knowing he’s an Avoider?  Go to him and let him know you’ll try never to do those things again.  Tell him you’re sorry.”

“I might cry, though.  And crying is worse than whining for his trauma,” Francesca worries.

“Feelings are okay to have.  But I understand wanting to protect Jesus from more triggers.  What about another way?  A note?”

“Or a video!” Francesca exclaims.  “I could go to the picnic table and make one, and I could send it to Levi because he has service and he could show Jesus.”

“That’s a good idea,” Dominique nods.

Dominique helps Francesca back up the dock until they’re on the grass again.  Francesca goes to the table and holds her phone up in the air.  “It’s alive!” she jokes.

Dominique laughs.

Francesca turns on a video and holds her phone with the little pop-out thingy on the back.  “Jesus?  It’s Francesca.  I’m sorry I whined and said the thing to you that made you remember bad memories.  I’ll try super hard to never do it again.  Do you forgive me?”

Dominique’s been checking her phone, too.  She nudges Francesca, saying, “Levi says Jesus wants us to try not to ask him to do anything right now, because it’s hard for him to say no.”

“Oh, sorry.  Jesus, you don’t have to forgive me, okay?  Just delete that part.  So just know I won’t whine or say that thing to you ever again.  I didn’t do it on purpose.  I didn’t know.  I would never hurt you on purpose.”  Francesca talks until she runs out of breath.  

She sends the video, and hopes Jesus’s trauma is getting smaller.

–

Levi is still sitting with Jesus, not talking until his phone pings with a message from Francesca.  It’s labeled:  _For Jesus_.

“Hey.  Got a video from Francesca.  It’s for you,” Levi tells Jesus, offering him the phone.

Jesus stares at the phone, then at Levi.  Then, very slowly, he accepts the phone, and presses play on the video.  He loves being able to see Francesca’s face.  To hear her apologize.  But his favorite part is definitely when he can hear Dominique tell Francesca that Jesus had asked not to have people ask him to do things, and Francesca taking back her request that he forgive her.

He actually laughs a little, despite the fact that his body’s still hurting.  “Just delete that part,” he quotes.

Levi laughs too.

Jesus hands the phone back.  “Will you tell her I say “Thanks?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Levi nods and sends the text for him.

They’re silent for a while.  Dudley’s still half on Jesus’s lap.  He shudders, the mixed memories of Moms force-feeding him, and Hell Week still too close for comfort. Still, he makes himself ask Levi, “Are you still cool with this?”

“Yeah,” Levi nods.

“I mean, it’s not like, freaking you out, is it?”

“We’re friends.  It doesn’t freak me out to sit with my friend.”

“But like…your trauma…” Jesus objects.

“My trauma…likes knowing it’s not alone,” Levi explains.  “I’m not freaked out by this.  Or you.”

“Would you tell me if you were?” Jesus asks.

“If you wanted me to, yeah, and then I’d make sure I found somebody else who could come sit with you.”

“You wouldn’t have to…” Jesus insists.  “I’m really good at being alone.”

“What would you say to me if I said that?” Levi asks.

“That…that’s exactly why I’d make sure you had somebody with you you could trust.  To make it different.  So you wouldn’t be alone or feel in danger,” Jesus says.

“Okay, so…I’m not leaving.” Levi tells Jesus plainly.

“I used to beg Him for a Facebook…” Jesus says softly.  “So I could contact my family…”

Levi just listens.

“I think He knew why I wanted one.  So He held me off from getting it.  But the first time I asked, I was eleven like Francesca. He told me I had to wait until I was 13.  I couldn’t imagine being there until then…  It’s just…so normal for her to ask.  But it was a huge risk for me.”

Levi’s just watching.  Listening.

“And I don’t want her to think she can’t talk about normal things.  Like how she wants a Facebook so she can message with us in the Avoiders chat.  But I don’t even have one now, the idea of it gives me so much anxiety.”

“You don’t have to have that to have Messenger.  There’s an app.  I can show you.  Tell Francesca if you guys decide it’s okay.  Then we can still have the Avoiders chat.”

“Yeah.  Maybe.” Jesus muses.

“I wish I could go back to California with you guys.  Somewhere she could never find me,” Levi sighs.  “I hate holding my breath all the time.”

“I know that feeling,” Jesus nods.  “And you’re welcome to come visit.”

“Pearl wouldn’t, though, and I wouldn’t want to leave her…” Levi says sadly.  “We spent enough time apart.”

“Who knows?” Jesus asks.  “Maybe sometime if it’s not April, she might be on board.”

“Yeah.” Levi says skeptically.  “More ice cream?” he checks.

“I was serious about not asking me stuff,” Jesus warns gently.  “I can’t say no right now, especially to food.  Feels like I’m starving.”

“Sounds like it’s time for a scoop then,” Levi says easily.  “Wanna come with me?  Sorry.  I don’t mean to keep asking you stuff I just…I don’t want to leave you alone out here.”

Jesus stands up, wincing.  “It’s good for me to move around,” he manages.

“Okay.  No rush,” Levi insists.  “Take your time.”

Somehow, he makes it to the kitchen.  “What if we run out?” Jesus worries.

“I work in a grocery store.  I can buy more.  No problem,” Levi tells him easily, opening the fridge and holding the carton of ice cream out for Jesus to take.

He doesn’t.  Can’t.  So Levi scoops some for him and together they go back to the couch.


	43. Chapter 43

When Cleo starts barking, Pearl pays attention.  Cleo isn’t a big barker, except conversationally.  So when she barks out of the blue, it means something.  

It reminds Pearl of years ago, when Gracie was acting out of character, whining and barking at the back door, and Pearl eventually noticed Jesus stranded outside.  

She gets up and goes to the window.  

“What?” Mariana asks.

Pearl squints, seeing the black car in her driveway next door.  “Where’s Levi?” she asks, her heartbeat picking up.

“In the living room with Jesus.  Why?” Mariana’s definitely picked up that something’s not right, but not being at the window right this minute and having never been around Pearl’s mom or her vehicle, means that she wouldn’t necessarily pick up on how bad this is.  (Not to mention, as far as Pearl knows?  Mariana doesn’t have any of the new information regarding what a terrible person Pearl’s mom is.)

“My mother,” Pearl answers shortly.

Pearl opens a text and tries to type, but it’s no use.  Her hands are too shaky.  So she risks going to the bedroom door and sticking her head out.

“Levi,” she calls.

“Yeah?”  she can hear his voice but he doesn’t come any closer.  

“Stay in, okay?  Tell Jesus, too.”  Pearl wills her voice to stay calm.

In seconds, he’s connecting to her via Facebook video.  “Why?  What’s up?”

Mariana edges into the frame.  “Peanut Butter Cookie,” she says, serious.  “She’s next door.  So you and Jesus stay in.”

Pearl watches as Levi glances out the window.  “I gotta give Dominique and Francesca a heads up.  Bye.”

–

Levi’s hanging up with Pearl and calling Dominique as fast as he can, hoping she picks up a video call from him.

Thankfully, she does.

“Hey.  What’s up?” Dominique asks.  

“You guys gotta come inside.  Now.  It’s a safety thing, okay?  Pearl’s mom is next door and I don’t want her to try talking to you guys.”

Dominique hangs up, and in seconds they are inside.

“Lock the door,” Jesus calls, and Francesca does.  He still sounds out of it, but having Levi hanging out with him seems to be helping.  Levi hopes, at least.

–

Pearl’s still at the window in the bedroom.  She can still see her mother clearly.  Knocking.  Reaching in her pocket.  Unlocking the door.  Going in.

“She had a key made.  Of course, she had a key made!” Pearl moans.

“Did she get in?” Mariana questions.

“Oh yeah.”  Pearl nods.

“Seriously, didn’t she just bother you the other day?” Mariana’s irritated and Pearl’s glad she’s not the only one.

“Wasn’t enough apparently…” she mutters under her breath.  “She likes to touch base on this weekend.  My anniversary’s significant because of what it means for her.  So she likes to talk about that.  What she was doing.  And wonder why I didn’t tell her for a week, and instead went to school like everything was fine?  I never have sufficient answers for her…” Pearl comments bitterly.

“I wish you could call the cops on her,” Mariana insists.  “She’s breaking in.  I mean, basically.”

“She has a key,” Pearl points out.  “Which is my mistake, for not realizing.  But how do you get a key away from someone you never wanna see again?  You have to see them in order to do that.”

“Change the locks,” Mariana decides.  “Or you guys could just…move out to California with us.  Jesus and Dominique live in these great apartments.  Cleo would be welcome.”

“Don’t tempt me…” Pearl blows out a breath.  “You don’t wanna know how much I’d love to be able to pick up and move.  But it’s a big commitment.  A big change.  A lot of stress.  And I’m maxed out right about now.”

“Right,” Mariana nods.  “Well, I didn’t mean to stress you out more.”

“Will you please make sure all of The Avoiders know not to open the door to anyone?” Pearl asks.

“Sure.  Will you be okay here?” Mariana asks.

Pearl nods.

But when Mariana opens the door, Francesca’s there, asking if she can come in and talk to Pearl.

“Yeah.  Come on in,” Pearl invites.

“So,” Francesca says flopping on the bed.  “I was spying out the window in the living room, and I saw your mom going into your cabin.  Is that why you had us come inside?  Because you were afraid she might come and yell at us?”

“I had you come inside because I’ve realized my mom isn’t a safe person and I want all of you to be safe.”

“What about you?  She went inside your cabin.  What if she looks at all your stuff or what if she just waits there for you and Levi to come back and never leaves?”

“Francesca.  I know you’re trying to help, but I’m worried about all of that stuff right now already.  And more,” Pearl tells her, attempting to be calm.

“Sorry,” Fran apologizes, looking contrite.  

“It’s okay.  It’s just…a hard day for me.  So I need to think calm thoughts,” Pearl tells her.

“‘Cause this is your hard weekend because of trauma, right?” Francesca asks.

“Right,” Pearl nods.

“How…I mean…like…  How  _is_  your trauma?” Francesca tries.

“I’m sorry?” Pearl asks, confused.

“Sorry,” Francesa laughs, nervous.  “I’m trying to check in with you, like how you said to?  But I forgot exactly how.  I just know don’t ask what happened.”

“Well, I appreciate that.  My trauma is…making me nervous…to be around everybody at once.  So that’s why I’m staying in here with you or Mariana or Dominique.”

“‘Cause you’d rather just be with us girls?” Francesca asks.

“That’s right.”

“Kinda like Jesus and Levi want it to just be them right now,” Francesca says seriously.  “Levi said sometimes trauma can make people have to give each other space.”

“Mm-hmm,” Pearl nods.

“But we still all like each other?” Francesca checks.  “Like, it’s not forever that Jesus will need space from me and you’ll need space from Jesus and Levi?”

“We still all like each other,” Pearl nods.  “But I need my own space.  For now, at least. And maybe when I feel more okay, I can come and hang out with you guys.”

“Like for Feelings Time?” Francesca asks.

“I almost forgot about Feelings Time…” Pearl muses.  “I don’t think Feelings Time is ready for all of my feelings…”

“Mine either,” Francesca confesses.

“What’s one of your feelings?” Pearl asks.

“Mmm,” Francesca thinks.  “Like…I’m not sure of the name of it…”

“Okay,” Pearl says.  “That’s okay.  What’s the first word that comes to your mind?”

“Bad.  Bad sister,” Francesca bites her lip, tracing the pattern on the comforter.

“Why bad sister?” Pearl wonders.

“You know how Levi’s with Jesus right now?” Francesca asks.

“I got a text that Jesus is triggered,” Pearl offers.

“I feel like a bad sister, because I did it,” Francesca insists.  

“Ah…” Pearl nods.  “Well, you know what?”

Francesca glances up.  Curious.

“You are talking to the right person about that feeling.  I know it well.” Pearl admits.

“Because you triggered Levi before with the cookies?” Francesca asks.

“Yes.”  Pearl nods.

“Was that on accident?” Francesca checks.

“It was an accident, yes.” Pearl confirms.  “I would never hurt my brother on purpose.  And now that I know those cookies are scary for him?  I’ll never make them around him again.”

“And I’ll never whine about Facebook to Jesus again…” Francesca admits.  “I just didn’t know.”

“It’s okay that we didn’t know,” Pearl shares, inviting Francesca closer.  She stays where she is.  “The important thing is taking it seriously when we  _do_ know.  Listening.  Backing off.  Saying we’re sorry.”

“I did all that, but I still feel bad…” Francesca admits.

“You wanna know something?” Pearl asks.  “I still feel bad, too.  But I think that’s because we love our brothers.  If we didn’t love them, or care about them, we wouldn’t care about scaring them, would we?”

“I don’t know…” Francesca hesitates.

“Feeling bad when you do something wrong, even by mistake, is a good thing.  It means you have a conscience,” Pearl explains.  She’s thinking of Jared.  Of her mom.  Neither of whom seem to possess a single conscience between them.

“What’s a conscious?” Francesca wonders.

“A  _conscience_ ,” Pearl puts a little extra emphasis on the word “is a little inner voice people have that lets us know when something is right or wrong.  Developing a strong one takes time.”

“What happens if you don’t grow one?” Francesca asks.

“Well…people who don’t have a conscience can hurt people very badly…and not  _feel_  bad about what they did.  They don’t say they’re sorry because they don’t ever think they’re wrong.”

“Like the bad guy that stole my brother one time?” Francesca asks.

Pearl can feel her heart break a little.

“Yes.  Like that.” Pearl nods sadly.

“So, it’s okay I feel like a bad sister, because it means I’m growing a conscious…” Francesca reviews slowly.

“It’s okay you feel badly that you accidentally hurt Jesus.  Because you care about him.  You love him.  And you don’t want to hurt other people or make them sad, even accidentally.   _But_ …accidentally triggering our brothers?  Doesn’t make us bad sisters.  Because we can make a choice to act in better ways next time.  Ways that protect them from feeling scared.  It’s what family does for each other, right?  Does Jesus protect you?”

Francesca nods.  “Does Levi protect you?”

Pearl thinks of Levi offering to do the grocery shopping for her.  Getting a job at SuperOne, even while knowing Pearl’s mom regularly shopped there and came through his lane.  Even before Pearl had known about the secret Levi was carrying, he was making sure to protect her from the place where everything changed.

“Yeah.  He does.” Pearl nods.

“So little brothers and sisters can protect big ones, too?” she asks.

“I think…in families…we all do our best to protect each other.” Pearl nods.

–

Dominique and Mariana look out the living room window together.  

“She still in there?” Dominique asks, her voice an incredulous whisper.

Mariana nods, her jaw tight.

They’ve taken the job of keeping an eye on Pearl’s cabin, so Jesus and Levi don’t have to worry extra.  They’re seated on another couch besides the one Dominique and Mariana are on.

“Guys, I don’t know….” Levi offers in a shaky voice.  “I don’t feel like I should be here.  Maybe I should go…”

“Stay,” Jesus manages.  

“I just…feel like…there’s too much energy.  And my brain’s like, running worst case scenarios like crazy…”

Dominique turns from the window.  “You need another code?” she asks.

“Wait.  What’s a code?” Jesus and Mariana ask in unison.

Levi nods.  He doesn’t have time to talk Jesus and Mariana through his and Dominique’s strategy to stop each other from exploding things in their minds.

“Okay, I’m gonna go upstairs and grab the Post-Its off the little table and come back,” Dominique says.

Levi notices something on Jesus’s face.  How he looks a little like he wants to say something.  Or like he’s a little calmer.

“My therapist did that…” he shares softly.

“Did what?” Levi wonders.

“Wrote to me on Post-Its when my panic was too epic and I couldn’t hear her…” Jesus shares.

“Did it help?” Levi wonders.

“Yeah, it did,” Jesus nods.

“It helps when Dominique writes stuff down for me, too.” Levi nods.

Just about then, Dominique comes back down, green Post-Its and a pen in her hand.  “So, I’m just writing some true stuff down for Levi, so he can have it to refer to,” she says.

Levi figures she’s being that specific for Jesus, but Dominique’s actually looking at all of them.  He knows for a fact his own mind is still spinning.  In a very back corner of it, Levi’s mind is imagining Carla just waiting inside Pearl’s cabin forever, for Pearl to come back.

It’s beyond hard to just stay here.  To not rush out to his car.  Drive away.  Pull over somewhere and just scream his lungs out.  But if he goes outside, Carla might see.  And if she sees and tries to confront him again?  Well, Levi doesn’t know what he’ll do.

Dominique puts a Post-It on the coffee table.  Nods at Levi.  He picks it up.  Reads:

_We will never leave you alone with her around.  The Avoiders are with you.  You are not alone.  We want you to stay.  You can have feelings.  You’re safe with us.  We are protecting you._

Levi glances up at Dominique.  Nods.  Then reads the paper again.  

Again.

Again.

It’s the only thing keeping Levi together.


	44. Chapter 44

When the knock sounds on the front door of Grandpa’s cabin, Jesus doesn’t know he’s going to move until he does.  Dudley’s at his side.  

Pearl’s out of the bedroom for the first time all day.  She looks rough.  Wrecked.  Red, swollen eyes.  Pale.  Exhausted.  Devastated.  The bedroom door is closed behind her, and Jesus knows Pearl has told Francesca to stay put there.

The knocking is constant.  Irritated.  Jesus can see her through the window.  It’s definitely Pearl’s mom.

“Jesus, what are you…?” Pearl asks, but when he turns to look at her, Pearl falls silent.  

“Levi, go hang out with Francesca,” Jesus directs softly.  But there’s no movement behind him.  Jesus is pretty sure Levi couldn’t move if he wanted to.

Pearl is in no place to deal with her abusive as hell mother today.  But if Jesus knows anything, it’s that he’s capable of dealing with a ton of stress.  It actually feels normal to him.  So, even though his body’s still killing him.  Even though he’s still not even close to okay.  He can deal with this.

“Mariana.  Dominique.  Please.  Go hang out with Francesca.  Take Levi and Pearl, too.”

“No,  _Pearl’s_  staying,” Pearl objects, her hands shaking, even as Cleo is in her arms.  “She’s my mother.  I brought her stress here.  I can deal with her.”

“You asked her to stay away and she didn’t listen,” Jesus points out.  The knocking is getting to him.  Between Dominique and Mariana, they have managed to encourage Levi to come with them, with promises they can all watch some Disney movie together.  “Please trust me.  I can deal with her.  Just go wait.”

“Fine,” Pearl nods.  

Jesus is vaguely aware of Pearl going into the bedroom.  Of the fact that he does not hear the bedroom door close behind her.  Knows Pearl is listening.  (Knows it’s her right.  It’s her mom, but Jesus finds himself with his fingers crossed behind him that he can do a good enough job warning Pearl’s mom away.  That she doesn’t end up coming in here.)

But Jesus is nothing if not determined.  He walks to the door, taking deep breaths on the way.  Dudley’s right with him.

Unceremoniously, Jesus yanks the door open.  Glares at Pearl’s mom.

“What?” he asks, sharp.

“Jesus,” she smiles.  “I’m Carla West.  Pearl’s mom.  Is she here?” Carla asks, friendly.

“She doesn’t wanna see you,” Jesus insists, voice low.

“So, she  _is_  here,” Carla says, arms crossed. The act is already falling away. “I need to speak to her.”

“No.  You need to get the hell out of here.  You need to leave Pearl alone,” Jesus warns.

“Are you threatening me?” Carla scoffs.  “You sure fooled everyone, didn’t you?  You sure fooled  _my daughter_.  With the poor, missing kid act.  You’re so traumatized, right?  Well, I have news for you.  We all go through tough stuff,” Carla insists, lowering her voice.  “That doesn’t give you the right to treat my daughter the same way Chris Mitchell treated you.”

Jesus’s eyes flash.  “Get out of here.  Now.”

“Maybe you have Stockholm Syndrome, like all the news reports claimed.  But you know what?  That’s no excuse,” Carla rants quietly.

It’s how Carla keeps lowering her voice and glancing around as her true colors show that makes Jesus think of his own moms.  It’s Francesca’s observation that Pearl’s mom, and theirs, are alike.  And it’s the mention of the news.  All of it, in combination, gives Jesus the idea.

“There’s a thing I’ve noticed about small towns being here,” Jesus tells Carla softly.  “People talk.”

Carla’s nodding, “Absolutely.  They do, and–”

“Gladys…Gary…Steve and Sue…” Jesus lists everyone he’s ever heard Pearl mention from this area, drawing a trail away from Pearl.  Away from Levi.  Jesus doesn’t want Carla knowing they are the ones he got all of his information from.  “Oh, and that nice girl Jolly, at the post office.”

“They all agree with me!” Carla snaps.  “A daughter should return her mother’s calls!  Not change her number–”

“–And,” Jesus interrupts.  “That means I know things.  A lot of things.  About you.  Things that would really suck for you if they ever…I don’t know…went public?”

Carla crosses her arms.  “You know nothing,” she spits, her full contempt showing.

“You think?  What do you think?” he asks Dudley.  “I mean, if you’re willing to risk…say…your local news finding out what local gossip is saying about you anyway?  Keep harassing Pearl.  Watch what happens.”

“Whoever you’re getting information from is full of shit.  No one will believe you,” Carla says, still super pissed, and super quiet.

“Maybe they didn’t believe me Before,” Jesus challenges, looking Carla in the eye. “When I was just a kid with zero power. But I’m a man now.  And I have a name.  And, believe it or not?  People believe the hell out of me when I speak.  Because I tell the truth.  Even when no one else will.  When no one else can.  So, I mean, if you wanna test that theory of yours, be my guest.”

“You hate the press.  You’ve never done a single interview since you’ve been back.  You wouldn’t start now.  You’re terrified of cameras,” Carla sneers.

“Doesn’t have to be on camera,” Jesus shrugs.  “The written word holds plenty of power.  Social media.  Your local paper?  People read that all over here.”

Jesus sees it the minute he has her.  The way fear flickers in Carla’s eyes.  How instead of stepping back, she steps forward - toward him - a threat on her lips:

“You wouldn’t…” she laughs, mocking.

Dudley moves in front of Jesus, growling.

“You ever harass Pearl at home?  You ever intimidate Levi in town?  You do anything to bother them at all…and everything I know about you?  Is gonna become everything _everyone knows_  about you.  If you see either one of them in town, you’d better walk the other way.  Or it’s out.” Jesus assures, taking his own step toward Carla.

“You know what?  Fine.  I’m done with getting the middle finger from my daughter.  I’m done.  Keep your little expose to yourself.  Pearl doesn’t have a mother anymore.  And she can thank you for it,” Carla says, walking quickly down the steps.  She turns in the driveway, and calls, “And if I never see Levi again, it’ll be too soon.”

“Hey!” Jesus calls, remembering something.  “Key!”

“What?” Carla asks, exasperated.

“The key to Pearl’s cabin.  If you’re serious?  I want it.” Jesus insists.

Something is pelted at him and Jesus flinches.  It lands several feet short, in the grass.  Sends Dudley out to retrieve it.  It’s a single key on a stretchy band that can be worn around a wrist.

Dudley brings it back.  Drops it in Jesus’s hand.

“Thanks, Dudley,” Jesus says, scratching his head.

Jesus stays at the door, watching until she gets in her car and drives out of sight out on the main road.  Then, he closes it.  Leans against it.  Locks every single lock.

Then he goes to the bedroom door and knocks, an all clear.

Jesus is glad to find it closed.

Pearl opens it, worried.  “Are you okay?” she asks.

“Yeah.  She’s gone.  She’s not gonna bother you guys again,” Jesus reassures.

Francesca butts in, beside Pearl.  “Levi’s sick in the bathroom.  He locked the door.”

“Well, give him space, all right?” Jesus offers.  “Let’s all take it easy. Or keep busy.  Whatever we need to do, you know, for self care.  I gotta get away from this bedroom door for self care,” he tells Dudley.

Jesus is just a little shocked when Pearl follows him out to the living room.  “Seriously.  What did you say to her?” she asks, perching on the edge of the coffee table.

“Just threatened her with what I figure is her worst fear…” Jesus shrugs.

“Rats?” Pearl exclaims, her eyes wide.

An unexpected laugh bubbles out of Jesus.  “No.  I mean, I’ve heard Fran say how your mom’s like ours.  And our moms’ worst fear is anyone else finding out what they consider private family business.  Judging from your mom’s reaction, I was right.”

“You threatened to…what?”

“Go public with what I know about her,” Jesus says, matter of fact.

Pearl’s eyes get big.  “Jesus, you promised Levi.  You promised me.  The Avoiders code of conduct.  Was that all a lie?” she asks, devastation evident in her voice.

“Pearl.  No,” Jesus explains calmly.  “What I told your mom was a risk.  A calculated one.  I would never out your stuff.  Or Levi’s stuff.  I threatened to tell what I knew because - with people like her? - their reputation is the most important thing.  I knew she’d agree to leave you and Levi alone if her reputation was threatened by the right person.”

“You manipulated her,” Pearl comments, breathless.

Jesus shrugs.  “I had four and a half years living around a massive manipulator with a giant ego.  I know how to deal with them.”

“Thank you,” Pearl nods, wiping her eyes with shaking hands.  “God, thank you.”

“Jesus?” Francesca interrupts.  “Levi doesn’t wanna come out of the bathroom ‘cause the thinks Pearl’s mom is really still here.”

“Okay.  Thanks for telling me, buddy,” Jesus says.  He hopes that soon, the little lurch his insides do when he hears Francesca talk will not be a thing.

Jesus clicks Levi’s name on Messenger, and the video chat option.

In seconds, Levi’s face is there.  Almost a twin of Pearl’s.  Pale.  Devastated.  Shaken.  His eyes look haunted.  

“She’s really gone,” Jesus reassures simply.  “You don’t have to stay in there.  Come out here with us.  Please.”

In response, the screen goes dark.  Levi ends the call.  But minutes later, Jesus hears the door open.  Levi, Mariana and Francesca all venture out together.  Levi, casting nervous glances.

“She’s not gonna bother you guys again.  If she sees you in town, Levi?  She’s gonna walk the other way.  And…” Jesus reaches in his pocket.  Withdraws Carla’s key.  “I got this from her.”

Pearl’s mouth drops open.

“She just gave it to you?” Levi gasps.  “‘Cause that’s it.  That’s the key she used Wednesday and today…”

“Here,” Jesus offers it to Pearl.

“Levi, will you unclip it?” Pearl asks.

(Jesus doesn’t miss how Pearl didn’t ask him to do it.  Is glad that even after all this, she remembers he’s dealing with his own trigger, too.)

Levi unclips the key from the stretchy blue band.

Pearl tosses him something else, encouraging him to clip the key to it, and taking the blue band for herself.  

“A cow keychain?” Levi asks, still nervous.

“He’s a stress cow,” Pearl says, like this should be obvious.  “You put your key on him and then you can squeeze him whenever you’re nervous.”

“Wait.  My key?” Levi asks, incredulous.

“Well, you live there, too.  For the last six months I’ve been saying I’ll get you a key and I still haven’t done it.  Now it’s even better.  You have one.  She doesn’t.” Pearl offers a sad smile.

“She’s not coming back to scare us anymore, is she?” Francesca asks.

“No, she’s not.  And I’m very sorry she did that,” Pearl says.  Jesus can see her shudder a little.  “Ugh, I hate that she was inside the cabin for so long.  I feel like I have to go next door and disinfect everything…”

“What if she found, like, personal stuff?” Levi asks.  “If she looked through and found…I don’t know…something…”

Jesus doesn’t know why, but Levi telling him about the phone he had as a third grader flashes through Jesus’s mind.  The one with the video Carla took of him.  Jesus casts Levi a sympathetic look.  Wishes he had thought to make her turn over anything she had taken from Pearl’s cabin.

“We can walk next door together.  You can double check.  Make sure she didn’t take anything,” Pearl offers.

“We’ll come with you for girl power,” Francesca offers, nodding at Dominique, who has just joined them as well.

–

When they’re gone, Mariana sits on the couch with Jesus.  He’s waiting anxiously, having sent a question mark to Levi, hoping he’ll find all his stuff still there, including the old phone.

Levi finally sends a thumbs up.  And Jesus feels like he can breathe.

“I’ve been meaning to ask…or…I guess not ask…but…check in.  If you wanna tell me anything…” Mariana hedges.  Jesus can tell she’s struggling to make sure she doesn’t ask him any questions.

“Triggered,” he offers.

“Yeah?” she asks, sad for him.  “But you handled Peanut Butter Cookie like a boss, though,” she says, proud.

“Yeah, well, it’s family.  Hell, if I’m gonna let some…  If I’m gonna let her hurt our family.”

“I’m protecting you, okay?  Always,” Mariana tells Jesus seriously.

“Yeah…” Jesus manages, letting out a shaky sigh of his own.  “Okay.”


	45. Chapter 45

Even though Carla’s gone - even though he never had to see her - or speak to her?  Levi can’t stop shaking.  The time in the bedroom with Pearl, Dominique, Mariana and Francesca had been hard:

_Pearl shut the door, and then opened it again, sticking her head out to hear.  Dominique insisted Francesca stay on the far side of the bedroom, in a corner, out of view of the door._

_“But I wanna listen!” Francesca whispers.  “What if Jesus needs us?”_

_“Jesus has Dudley,” Mariana whispers, putting an arm around her.  “Dudley will protect him.”_

_The minute Levi hears Carla say she’s Pearl’s mom, Levi darts into the bathroom.  Shuts the door.  Locks it.  Outside the door, Cleo yips and sends Levi lurching for the toilet._

_The last thing they need - he needs - is for Carla to be alerted to exactly where they are.  Levi knows how strong Carla is.  Remembers how she grabbed him.  Pulled him toward her.  Pulled his clothes off.  Snapped, “Get in the shower,” like she was just so over him.  And then how he’d stood as she directed, braced against the wall of the shower, his back to her, as she…_

_Levi can’t hold it in anymore.  He’s throwing up.  Afterward, his hearing tunnels so he can’t make out any sound at all.  Levi’s vision dims a little.  If he can’t hear, how will he tell if she’s coming? How will he tell if she’s close?  His hearing doesn’t clear until he’s been sick again.  Until he has nothing left inside._

_Even though he’s terrified of Carla hearing the noise and coming to investigate, Levi flushes.  The next thing he knows there’s a knock on the bathroom door.  Levi glances around.  He’s perched on the closed toilet.  Arms wrapped around his knees, just like then.  Like he’s still doing what she told him to years ago and not moving a muscle.  Not making a sound._

Now, he’s out, but it feels like it doesn’t much matter.  Levi feels so exposed.  Hates that everyone can see how weak he is, because this is no lowkey shaking this is full out, just-escaped-a-predator shaking.

He doesn’t feel like he should be around Jesus at all right now.  For one thing, Jesus is the one who handled Carla.  Who apparently knew what to say to make her go, and even give her key back.  If Levi weren’t so weak, nobody would’ve reacted like they had.  No one would’ve gotten so scared.  It would’ve been no big deal.  But Levi made it one.  He made it so Jesus had to deal with Levi’s trauma even though Jesus has his own to deal with.

Levi’s on his feet and on his way out the door before he can really think it through.

“Levi!  Hey!”  Dominique calls, catching up to him as he fumbles for his keys.  “Stop for a sec.”

He’s so ready to jet right now, and Levi can tell that Dominique can see it, too.

“Remember what we said,” she explains, taking a slow breath, and letting it out.  “You don’t have to take off when you feel like screaming.  Get in the car.  Close the door.  Be by yourself.  Scream all you need to.  But don’t leave.”  Dominique’s watching him.  All but begging.

Levi keeps his eyes on her.  Unlocks the car.  Tosses her the keys.  Then, he gets in and locks the doors.  He waits until she turns away.  Until she’s walked all the way back up onto their porch.  

Then he screams.

_(All of his stuff in his room at Pearl’s - rifled through.)_

Screams.

_(The old phone somehow untouched, lock box in the mess in his closet.  Just where he left it.)_

Screams.

_(The blankets on his bed thrown aside, when Levi made his bed every day.)_

Screams.

_(Her three days ago, looking for Pearl.)_

Screams.

_(Her going through his lane saying nothing, just looking at him with that look on her face.  Like he was disgusting.  Like she hated him.)_

Screams.

_(Her waiting on him and his mom at The Barn in June.)_

Screams.

_(Her telling him to turn around in the shower.  Her face as she sprayed off his legs.  And doing more.  And him screaming.  Screaming.  Screaming.  Her saying, “Stop.  It doesn’t hurt!”)_

Screams.

His voice is gone.  But what good was it anyway?  What the hell good was it?

Finally, Levi gives up, laying his forehead against the steering wheel.

–

Pearl needs something to occupy her mind.  Years of attempting to cope through miserable anniversaries have taught her that nothing soothes her quite as much as being in the kitchen.  And nothing soothes those around her quite as much as her homemade hot cocoa.  She gets the okay from Mariana before commandeering Frank’s crockpot and starting the largest batch that she has ever made.

“Cleo wants to see,” Francesca says softly, bringing her closer.  Cleo licks Pearl’s arm.

“Careful out here,” Pearl urges, though she hasn’t even plugged in the crockpot.

“What can I do?” Francesca asks, undeterred.  “Mariana said I needed to come out here and practice positive coping.”

“What now?” Pearl asks, tuning into what Francesca’s saying.

“Because I still feel like I’m a bad sister…and I like…sometimes do bad things to myself when I feel bad.  But I told Mari and she sent me out here, to see how you cope.”

Somehow, an anxiety-riddled smile comes to Pearl’s face.  “Well, I don’t always cope in the best ways.  But making hot cocoa definitely counts as a positive way to deal with stress.  Plus,” Pearl lowers her voice, “This is something Jesus really likes.  So, maybe if we make it, and bring him a cup, and set it down near him, he’ll have some and feel a little bit better.”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to cope right now,” Francesca insists.  And Pearl notices the desperation in her eyes.  Just how hard she’s trying.  Cuddling Cleo.

“Okay.  So, find a bowl for me?  A small one?” Pearl coaches.

Pearl spots Francesca as she climbs on a chair and finds a bowl.  Climbs down, while making sure she doesn’t step on Cleo, who’s sniffing around Pearl’s feet.

“Next, we need to mix the baking cocoa and the sugar together.  We need to make this recipe for six.  So what’s 1.5 times 6?”

Francesca looks at her blankly.

Pearl tries again:  “1 times 6?”

“Six,” Francesca answers.

“Okay, good.  Now .5 that’s a fancy way of saying ½.  So, do this for me.  Each of your fingers is ½.  Count them until you reach six.  Like this,” Pearl demonstrates.  “One-half, one, one-and-a-half, two.  You’re up to four fingers right now.  Can you do the last two?”

“Two-and-a-half, three?” Francesca asks, holding up six fingers.

“You got it.  Very good.  So now.  Last step to figure out how much cocoa and sugar for six people.  Six plus three?”

“Nine.” Francesca says quickly.  “Addition’s easy.”

“You figured it out!  So we need a tablespoon.  Can you find that?” Pearl asks.

“T-S-P?” Francesca asks, pulling out one.  

“Almost.  You want 1 T- _B_ -S-P.”

The next one Francesca pulls is correct.  Finally, she’s ready to measure out cocoa and sugar.  Pearl turns the crockpot on low and stirs the milk while checking in with Francesca.

“How’s the measuring going?  Count out loud if you need to.  That helps me keep track.” Pearl advises.

“What if it’s too heaping?” Francesca worries.

“Don’t worry about it.  No such thing as too much chocolate, right?” Pearl winks.

“Oh gosh, you’re right.  What was I thinking?” Francesca flashes a bright smile.

Pearl’s urging Francesca to mix the sugar and cocoa together.  Then, sends her to find vanilla.  Then the Junior Mints.  Francesca does.

“Here you go!” Francesca beams, holding out the Junior Mints.  

“So, you think vanilla, or no vanilla?” Pearl checks.

“Oops, I forgot.”  Francesca goes to the pantry and finds it.  Brings it back.  “Jesus’s favorite candy is Junior Mints.  Did you know that?  Is that why you got them?”

“Actually, Levi got them.  And he didn’t know they were Jesus’s favorite.  He just guessed.”

“Mmm, he’s a good guesser then.” Francesca approves, sneaking a Junior Mint.  “Are you okay?  You know, that your mom’s so mean?  And from your traumaversary?” Francesca checks.

“You know, it’s been really hard? But I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been without you guys.  I really appreciate you all coming to support me.”

“You’re welcome,” Francesca interjects sweetly.

“And baking with you is helping me, too.  So, thank you for that,” Pearl nods.

“We help each other.  It’s a thing,” Francesca shrugs, a mirror image of Jesus.

“You shrug just like your brother,” Pearl points out.

Francesca laughs.  “Everyone says that.”

–

Dominique’s still sitting on the front porch, when Levi glances up.  Hesitantly, he gets out of the car.  Walks toward her, eyes down.

“Sorry,” he apologizes.

“Hey, no…  Actually…I was wondering…  Could I have a turn?” Dominique nods at his car.

Levi does a double take behind him.  “What?  Yeah.  I mean..  Yeah.”

“Could you stay out here?  But not…watch me?  Not listen?” Dominique asks.

“I won’t watch.  But…you couldn’t hear me from where you are, right?” he checks.

“No, but I have a feeling I’m gonna be loud…” Dominique ventures.  “And I wanna know you’re here.  But I don’t wanna…I don’t know…and think…  Can I keep the keys?  Not forever, just…you know…until…”

“Yeah.  I’ll sit with my back to the car,” Levi tells her, his voice a hoarse croak.  “I won’t watch you.  Won’t listen.  Keep the keys if it makes you feel better…”

Dominique strides across to Levi’s drive with a confidence she doesn’t feel.  Well aware that it hasn’t been long at all since Pearl’s mother was out here.  In this space.  Trying to do her thing - manipulate and dominate and control.  Just being in proximity to toxic shit like that sends Dominique back through time.

Sure, she’d guarded Fran well enough in the bedroom.  But Cleo barking back there had scared Dominique so bad she’d temporarily lost control of…well…everything.  

Francesca had looked at her with a combination of confusion and alarm.  Mariana said it was okay, and kept urging Francesca to stay quiet.  Once Levi cleared out of the bathroom, Dominique went in and changed.  Pulled on sweats.  Double checked the floor in the corner, to be sure it was clean.

Now, Dominique shuts herself in Levi’s car, locks all the doors, hunches over in the seat so her face is hidden from the windows and screams.  Harsh and hard and loud and long and all the ways she’d never been allowed to before.

Scenes flash through her head like a stop-action film.  

Hands over her mouth.  

Being grabbed out of a parking lot.  

Bandage changes in the hospital.  

Taylor.  Men.  Fire.  Agony.

Dominique screams about all of it.  And just like he promised, Levi doesn’t turn around.

When she gets out she feels tense.  On edge.  Like she might really deck somebody if they even look like they’re gonna come toward her.

She’s walking up the porch steps to give Levi his keys back when the cabin door opens.  Dominique acts on instinct, moving in front of Levi, in case.  (She can’t forget the way he and Pearl looked, realizing Carla had gone through all their stuff.  So shaken.  Levi still hasn’t lost that look.)

“Hey…” a little voice says, stopping where she is.  “It’s Francesca…  Blanket?” she offers, holding out the grey one Dominique brought along but has yet to use.

She nods.  Takes it warily.  Watches Francesca offer a giant fleece blanket printed with moose to Levi, who takes it, and covers up gratefully.  Behind Francesca is Pearl, with cups.

“Hot cocoa.  If you want.  I’ll leave it here,” she says, setting the cups on the table nearby.  

Then, they retreat back into the cabin.

–

Pearl and Francesca have just been through the living room with hot chocolate.  Jesus doesn’t want anything resembling food anywhere near him, but Francesca tells him:

“You can drink this if you want to, Jesus.  There’s Junior Mints in it.  For extra protection.”

Even Francesca knows the story of how Mom knew it was really Jesus at a police station in L.A. by saying his secret safe word: Junior Mints.  Saying it, meant he was feeling in danger.  Somehow, though, over the years, it’s morphed into proof that he is safe.  Like Fran says.

She’s giving him a once-over.  “You got your yellow blanket and your yellow scarf.  And your hot chocolate,” she says like she’s reviewing everything.

“We’ll give you guys space,” Pearl nods, shepherding Francesca back to the kitchen.

When they’re gone, Jesus eyes Mariana.  Then, the hot chocolate.  “Are you gonna make me?”

“Make you…?” Mariana asks, confused.

“Have that?” Jesus asks, nodding at the cup.

“Jesus, if you wanna drink it, that’s your choice.” Mariana insists gently.  She has her own cup in her hands.  A bright pink blanket across her lap.  Somewhere, Jesus is glad the other Avoiders haven’t forgotten her.

“Not always…” he ventures.

“No, not always.” Mariana echoes, sad.

(It feels weird knowing that Jesus has the full context for being force fed, and Mariana doesn’t, but might think she does.  There’s some deep shame in him, that makes it impossible to even share with Mari about Moms and what they did.)

“She said I was like Him,” Jesus offers, staring straight ahead.  “Because I wouldn’t let her see Pearl.  Like I was keeping her against her will…”

Mariana’s eyes narrow.  “She can go…jump in a lake…” Mariana manages, seething.  After a minute, she keeps going.  “She was lashing out, Jesus.  Because you weren’t giving into what she wanted.  It doesn’t mean what she said was true.  It means she’s abusive and immature.”

“But what if I am?  Like Him?  I  _did_  manipulate her,” Jesus points out.

“I think…you learned…from that situation.  You learned how to survive.  You learned…how to protect yourself.  And others.  That’s not bad.  That’s impressive.”

Jesus considers this.  Then offers more of what he’s mulling over:

“She said I have Stockholm Syndrome,” he says, disgusted.  Finally, he picks up the hot chocolate.  Takes a sip.  “God, the 2021 version of Pearl’s hot chocolate’s even better than the 2014 version…” Jesus sighs, relieved to taste something so wholly comforting.

Mariana smiles, but then it fades.  “I learned at school…and more importantly from you?  That Stockholm Syndrome is a thing people say…when they don’t have all the facts.  When they can’t, like…grasp the fullness of what trauma like that does to a kid.  It’s easier for her to blame you.  To say this bandaid explanation.  Stockholm Syndrome.  Than it is for her to actually…accept that trauma is a thing.  To accept that children are humans with rights to boundaries and safety.  Her saying that to you?  Was her telling you the truth about her perspective.  About how she has zero respect for kids.  For boundaries.  But she wasn’t telling you the truth about…the reality of what happened.  I don’t know if anything I’m saying is making any sense…” she hedges, laughing nervously.

“I hate that Moms have spent the last 13 months basically making you doubt yourself,” Jesus tells Mariana honestly.  “I get that some things are harder for you now.  I see that.  I respect it.  I respect you.  Your accident?  Doesn’t change the fact that what you have to say makes a lot of sense.”

Mariana looks away.  Sips her own hot chocolate.  “Okay…” she ventures, covering the hurt she obviously feels at Moms’ treatment with a smile.

“You notice things, Mari.  You noticed Francesca was having trouble.  You sent her out to make hot chocolate with Pearl.”

“Yeah.  And?” she asks.

“And that helped.  She’s gonna remember that.  So maybe next time she starts feeling overwhelmed she’ll reach out to you or me or Dominique instead of going all internal.”

“Don’t.  You don’t have to try so hard…” Mariana says, waving away his comments like they’re annoying.

“They feel like I’m trying too hard…” Jesus starts, making an effort to slow down what he’s saying, because he hasn’t really been paying attention to it.  “Because you’ve pretty much only heard the opposite.”

Mariana sighs.

Jesus winces, pain rippling through his back, reminding him that Hell Week is still lurking in his subconscious.  “I know it’s not the same thing?  But I spent a long time being told every word that came out of my mouth was dumb.  It’s been ten years since He last said any of that to me, and I still fight against it.”

“I know,” Mariana says, quiet.

“When I say stuff you do well?  I’m helping you fight against it,” he explains, gentle.

“You don’t have to,” she insists.  

“I  _want_  to,” Jesus tells her honestly.

“Can I do anything…like to help…your other trigger situation?” Mariana asks, rerouting the conversation.  Diverting the attention from herself.  Jesus recognizes the tactic.  He’s used it himself - an early kind of boundary.

“I feel…like I just got the shit beat out of me…” he confesses.  More than he has said to anyone about Hell Week ever.

Jesus can see his own pain reflected back in Mariana’s eyes.  “That sucks,” she says.  “And I know it doesn’t make it better…but…I’m here.  Which means, you’re not There.  Not really.”

“Trauma thinks I am,” Jesus comments sarcastically.

“Yeah, well, Trauma should drink some Junior Mints hot chocolate.  ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that’s another thing it didn’t have There.”

Jesus takes a sip.  Closes his eyes.  “More proof.”

“Proof?” Mariana asks.

“That trauma’s wrong.  As usual,” Jesus leans back, trying to breathe.  Trying to relax.

“But it does make sense.  Seeing as you did just deal with a giant peanut butter cookie and her nonsense…”

Jesus snickers.  “You call her that and she seems so…”

“Ridiculous?” Mariana fills in.  “That’s kinda the point.”

“Trauma’s a thing, but I’m not?” Jesus checks, opening one eye to look at his sister.

“You’re a human being,” Mariana reassures.  Not mocking his need to hear it at all.

“I can be Jesus?” he asks, super soft.

“You  _are_  Jesus,” Mariana insists.  “You never have to be anybody else.  Okay?  That’s over.  Trauma doesn’t know it.  But it’s over.”

Jesus reaches for his hot chocolate again.  Catches sight of the first nail on his right hand.  It’s perfect, except for a tiny scar by the first knuckle.  He bends the finger.  Testing.

It doesn’t hurt.

He picks up the cup.  Take a drink.

It’s small.  But it’s progress.

Maybe the truth is finally starting to get through.


	46. Chapter 46

For a while, there just aren’t words.

Levi can’t calm down.  He can’t talk about this.  But that’s the whole point of being able to go sceam by himself in the car, according to Dominique.  It’s apparently a valid stage of this whole thing.

And if he’s honest?  It means a ton that Dominique is willing to come out here with him.  Even, to take a turn doing what he did.  Because it’s more evidence that he’s not weird.

“She messed with all our stuff,” Levi manages.  Because it’s easier to say than:  _She messed with me._

“I know…” Dominique manages, her own voice ragged.  “I hate it.  And I hate her.”

“I hate that she has so much power over me…” Levi ventures.  He’s listening, but adding what he hates is also helping.

“I hate that she feels so entitled to your sister’s trauma that she’s showing up here like it’s hers.” Dominique comments bitterly.

“I hate that she made Jesus confront her when he’s already dealing with stuff…” Levi breathes.

“I hate that I felt so much fear.  So much adrenaline.  For myself…and for Frankie.  That I…I’m embarrassed…” Dominique admits.

“Sometimes, I hate myself,” Levi comments softly.  “Like as a kid…I just…thought I deserved it.  Thought I was unlovable.  So…I stuffed it down.  I accepted it.”

“Well, what choice did you have?” Dominique wonders.  Finally, she picks up the hot chocolate Pearl left.  Tries a little.  She hates to admit it, but it’s good.  Hates to admit it, but the blanket does help some.

“Right…” Levi nods, mirroring her.  He picks up the drink and sips, puckering as if it’s sour.

“What?” Dominique asks.

“It’s really sweet,” he manages.  “They take the sugar thing serious, huh?  That sugar helps take the edge off shock?”

“I guess so…” Dominique confirms.  “Do you ever resent it?  Safety?  For lowering your guard?  For making you vulnerable?”

Levi studies her.  Then, very carefully, he nods.  “I felt safe here.  With all of you.  And then…” he shrugs, imitating an explosion.  “I hate not being in control of my body…  ‘Cause that’s like the second time I’ve been sick about her in three days.  I’m kinda over it…”

Dominique just nods.  “My mom would probably say it’s a stress response.  That it makes sense.  Especially given that you…we…weren’t really allowed to  _be_ stressed out when it was happening.  So that comes later.  When, like, anything similar creeps in.”

“It helps to understand,” Levi manages, clearing his throat.  “And it also doesn’t help at all…”

“I know what you mean.”  Dominique nods.  “I see her, and it’s like it’s all happening again.”

“I’m sorry,” Levi apologizes.  He looks Dominique in the eye.  “I shouldn’t have said anything.  Then you and Jesus and Pearl especially wouldn’t have to be extra afraid.  You could’ve just thought she was normal.”

“And what about you?” she challenges gently.  “Then you’re walking around feeling like she killed your soul, and none of us are the wiser?  No.  I’m glad you told, Levi.”

“Still?” he asks.  “Even though it pretty much ruined your trip?”

“Meeting you made my trip so much better.  And I’m glad we’re here to support you while you’re dealing with all this…I definitely didn’t have that when it was me.  Whenever I started dealing with it?  Started feeling okay even talking about it?  I got notes sent home from eighth grade.  I got put on a behavior plan…” she comments ruefully.

“Oh, no way…” Levi shakes his head.  “That sucks.”

“Yeah.  All my teachers were like, ‘She’s being inappropriate,’ and there were meetings at the school with my parents.  With all the professional white men in ties.  So that was awesome…” Dominique comments bitterly.

Levi can just make out her voice shaking.  Thinks the  _white men in ties_ comment is significant, but doesn’t ask for context.  Because maybe it’s like how Levi feels his own guard go up around anyone who even kinda resembles Carla.  How his heartbeat picks up.  How he feels trapped and instantly looks for the quickest escape.

“I was a discipline problem,” Dominique says, laughing derisively.  Tears shine in her eyes.  “No one cared I just…”  When it’s clear she won’t try to say more, Levi offers:

“And I was perfect.  So no one bothered to look closer…”

He swallows more hot cocoa, like he used to swallow his secrets.  But not anymore.  He’s free to talk now.  Even though his nerves feel destroyed, and he feels like it might be impossible to ever fully calm down again, it does help.

Knowing that if he talks to The Avoiders they’ll hear him.  Listen.  That they all take him seriously.

Levi pulls the blanket up around him.  But it keeps slipping.  So he tells Dominique he’s gotta stand up and put the blanket on like a cape.  That he’s just gonna do that, and then sit again.

With the blanket securely around his shoulders and draped around the front of him, Levi feels a bit more protected.

“Thanks for telling me,” Dominique nods.

“Thanks for staying,” Levi returns.

–

Pearl agreed to walk with Francesca out onto the dock, providing she wear her life jacket.  Francesca, it turned out, had requirements of her own, insisting that she could not walk down if she were rushed, and that she needed a hand to hold.

Now, they’re down safely, but Pearl has to admit it: she doesn’t feel safe.

“It’s kinda boring here,” Francesca observes, looking out at the lake.

A surprised laugh escapes Pearl.  “Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a boring day…”

“How come?” Francesca asks.  “Boring days are…well…boring.”

“Boring days are also calm.  I could use a calm day,” she says.

“Are you sad your mom left?” Francesca checks.  “Because, not to be rude, but I usually like it better away from my moms…”

“I hear you, sister,” Pearl says easily.

Now, it’s Francesca’s turn to laugh.  “What if I really was your sister and my name was Francesca Rose  _West_?  That would be funny, huh?”

“I think that has a nice ring to it,” Pearl compliments.

There’s quiet.  

“I’m still thinking how I’m jealous of you…” Francesca admits.

“Jealous of  _me_?  Why?” Pearl asks, shocked.

“‘Cause, you get to know who your dad is.  You know he was nice.  And that he wanted you.  I don’t know any of that stuff,” Francesca comments.  “All my brothers and sisters…no matter if they’re full adopted or half?  All of them know who their dads are.  Except me.”

“Have you gotten the chance to talk to Mariana?  See what she knows?” Pearl wonders.

“No, because I was an epic dummy and scared Jesus by talking about Facebook…” Francesca comments darkly.

“That emotion you’re feeling?  It’s called guilt,” Pearl tells Francesca.  “And remember how we talked about how feeling bad for a little while is a good sign.  That your humanness is developing.”

“Yeah, but Jesus is still all traumaish and it’s my fault…” Francesca insists.

“If you knew talking about Facebook would scare him, would you have said it?” Pearl checks.

“No.”

“Well, that doesn’t make you a bad sister.  That makes you a good one.  When you get older, you realize…that eleven is still really young.”

“So I’m a stupid baby.” Francesca fills in.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Pearl says calmly.  When Francesca doesn’t jump in again, Pearl keeps talking, holding Cleo close.  “I was going to say that being eleven means you’re still learning about life and the world.  If all of us were eleven, and making the same mistakes, you’d see that it doesn’t make you bad…it means you’re normal.”

“Did you make mistakes?  When you were my age?” Francesca checks, doubtful.

“Oh yeah,” Pearl nods.  

It’s helping so much to be able to think back to a time before trauma.  For a while, all of those memories were nowhere to be found.  For a while, asking Pearl to step away from her trauma for even a moment felt like floating away into a void with nothing to anchor her, because she felt so sure she had lost all of her previous memories.  But she hadn’t.  There had been an engulfing that lasted about ten years, before Pearl was able to start to see into the past again.  To realize her memories still existed.  To be able to feel safe stepping away from the trauma and focusing on something else, even during anniversary hell.

“When I was eleven, my mom asked me to make dinner while she was at work.  Spaghetti.”

Francesca’s eyes widened.  “Your mom let you use the  _stove_?  When she wasn’t even  _home_?”

“It was the 90s.  Things were different.  God, I feel so old saying that…  Anyway, I didn’t know the first thing about making spaghetti.  There was a box of noodles on and a jar of sauce on the counter.  I knew there needed to be water added somehow, but I added it to the sauce.  That was the wrong thing.”

“So?  I mean, didn’t somebody help you start over?” Francesca asks.

“There was nobody.  I was an only child.  Levi wasn’t born until I was 20.  And I didn’t have my dad there…so I was stuck calling my 6th grade best friend who suggested all these things that did nothing but make it worse,” Pearl grimaced.

“So, I bet your mom was really mad, huh?” Francesca guesses.

“She was. She mostly wouldn’t talk to me.  She just made sure we ate all the leftovers.  We didn’t have a lot of money.  So me ruining the spaghetti was a big deal.”

“So you had to eat it, even though it was gross?” Francesca asks, horrified.

“Yeah…” Pearl nods.

“Jesus isn’t that mad at me,” she observes.  “And you guys aren’t giving me the silent treatment.”

“No, we’re not.  We understand that people make mistakes,” Pearl reassures.

“I guess that’s kinda lucky then…” Francesca concedes.  “I just…always think everything is my fault.  That I’m the reason.”

“The reason?” Pearl asks.

“Bad stuff happens.  Like maybe if I stayed home, Jesus would be okay right now,” Francesca murmurs.

“But if you didn’t come, Dominique wouldn’t have had anybody here she trusted at Feelings Time, to help her.  If you’re going to take credit for the bad things happening, you need to start taking credit for all the ways you help, too.  It’s only fair.”

“Eleven year olds shouldn’t have to make a whole dinner on the stove without backup…” Francesca points out.  “That’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair for you to blame yourself either, for making an honest mistake,” Pearl says gently.

“You remind me of a teacher.” Francesca tells Pearl.  “Like, you’re kinda strict about stuff.  But you’re kind.  And you care about kids.  Even ones like me.”

“Ones like you are the best ones,” Pearl insists, smiling.

“Can I call you Mrs. West?” Francesca squints.  A mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Not married.” Pearl shakes her head.

“ _Ms_. West?” Francesca tries, affecting a fancy voice and giggling.

“Pearl is fine,” she manages, because now, somehow, she is laughing, too.

–

“I felt like this…” Mariana ventures softly after they’ve sat in silence on the couch forever.

“Like what?” Jesus questions.

“Like you.  Like now.  Well, maybe not just like this…but kinda?” Mariana squints.

“You felt like I feel now?” Jesus asks and Mariana breathes a little easier.  She’s gotten so used to Mom commenting with a laugh that she’s always just to the left of the point.  It feels different - good - to have Jesus with her.  

She nods.

“When?” he asks.

“When you were gone…” she confesses.  “I felt like all the  _me_  left with you…and what was left was just…I don’t know…but I had no idea how to function.  And…I was scared all the time…”

“Of being kidnapped?” Jesus asks, and Mariana knows he’s thinking about Francesca, who had been terrified to turn nine a couple years back, because she thought it meant she’d get kidnapped, like Jesus.

“No.  Just of being without you…” Mariana fills in.

“Well, being without each other is scary,” Jesus says.  

“I felt frozen.  Like I didn’t know what to do.  I just did what people told me.  Until I realized the feeling wasn’t stopping…”

Jesus listens.

“Then I just got angry and sad about everything…  Kinda like now…” Mariana admits.

“Why now?” Jesus asks.  “Are you mad…at me?  Did I do something?”

“No, I mean…the accident.  I’m not the same.” Mariana admits.  “I know trauma changes people…but it feels like.. _.I_  changed….  And no one gets that…  It’s like…I say it and they’re like, ‘No, you’re still you.’  But that feels, whatever…” Mariana waves the feeling away.

“Maybe dismissive?” Jesus guesses.

“Yeah, because…I’m  _telling people_ …you know?  And them telling me I’m wrong…feels…small.  It makes  _me_  feel small.”

“‘Cause maybe it doesn’t feel good to have people tell you that what you know is true…isn’t.  You know yourself.  It’s like…not exactly…but it reminds me of Carla going on about how I tricked everybody.”

“What did she say?” Mariana asks.

“That…I fooled everybody with the ‘poor kidnapped kid’ act or something.” Jesus admits.

“But I’m not tricking anybody…” Mariana points out.  

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Jesus tries.  “It’s more like…she had this idea of me.  Based on pictures.  Video clips.  Whatever Moms released to the press, to encourage the public to look for me.”

“Okay,” Mariana nods.

“So, that was who I was at nine.  Before this huge thing came and changed me.  It’s like…she’s expecting me to be the same kid I was then.  And I can’t be that.  It’s unfair of her to expect.”

“So…you’re saying…like with me…people still don’t wanna accept you’ve changed.” Mariana deduces.

“Right.  I think.” Jesus nods.

“But were those people ever Moms?” Mariana challenges.

“They said they accepted me?” Jesus admits.  “I even believed them sometimes.  Even felt safe sometimes.  But there were these other times.  Like mini explosions that just proved to me…  They say they’re glad I’m back.  Glad I’m alive.  But like, the truth is, they want the sweet kid back.  Same as the media.”

“And Moms want smart Mariana back.  The math genius.  Where’s she?” Mariana comments darkly.

“Probably wherever Jesus the sweet nine year old is…” Jesus ventures.

“I miss talking to you,” Mariana admits.  “Like this.  I know it took us a while to, like, be able to communicate again after…but I miss it.  I miss our twinbrain.”

“Oh God, our twinbrain,” Jesus laughs, wincing.  “You know I always kinda hold out hope that one day you’ll wanna move in with me…or Dominique.  So we can be roomies.  Or neighbors.”

“Yeah, but I can’t leave Frankie,” Mariana makes a sad face.  “Seriously, you have no idea what it’s like at home, just the two of us.  And if it was just her?” Mariana shudders.  “Like…she’s struggling already.”

“I hate that,” Jesus comments cryptically.  “They’re different.  When they get us alone?  It’s like all bets are off.”

Mariana feels her stomach drop.  “They were…I mean, it was never just you…”

“It was.  For those two months after I got home.  It was just me and them.  And, Mari, I may not talk about it, but believe that I know what it’s like…” Jesus tells her honestly.

“Sorry.  I didn’t know…” Mariana apologizes, feeling newly devastated.  Even when Jesus was missing, she at least had Brandon.  And neither of them had massive levels of C-PTSD like Jesus, or CP like Frankie, or a TBI like Mari has now.

“I think we need Avoidance tonight,” Jesus says.  “Feelings Time.  Whatever.  All together.  It’s been a huge day.  And like…I feel like it’d be good if we all can touch base.  If everybody else is cool with it.”

“I’m cool like this.  With you.” Mariana tells him.  “But I think Avoidance is a good idea.”

“We’ll see what everybody thinks.” Jesus insists, wincing.  “P.S. I love this you.”

Mariana wipes her eyes.  “Yeah?”

In response, Jesus puts an arm around her.  “Totally.  I think this you is my favorite of all the yous.”

“Stop making me cry.” Mariana exclaims, exasperated, somehow laughing, too.

“Okay, sorry.  I’m just saying.” Jesus objects lightly.

Mariana sighs, leaning into him.  “You do that.”

“I will…  As often as you need…” Jesus tells her.


	47. Chapter 47

It’s taken a few hours (and some actual Tylenol) for Jesus’s body to stop aching.  He still feels ridiculously exposed.  When Levi comes inside and folds Grandpa’s moose blanket and puts it back on the couch, Jesus just watches him.

Levi notices.  Sits with him on the couch.  “Hey.  So…dinner…”

“Yeah…” Jesus nods.

“I got you guys some frozen enchiladas with the lasagna before…” Levi ventures.

“The kind you just stick in the oven?” Jesus checks.

“Yeah.” Levi confirms.

“Can I?” Jesus asks.

“Can you…” Levi echoes, confused.

“Put it in the oven?  I need…I don’t know…some control over it?”  Jesus tries to explain.

“Jesus?” Pearl calls softly from the kitchen.

He turns, quick.  Has to consciously think about slowing down his brain.  His movement. His responses.  To keep from going  to Level-3-automatic.  Jesus takes a deep breath and blows it out, slow.  Feels Dudley at his side.

“Sorry,” Pearl winces, still in the next room.  “Did I trigger you?”

Jesus has no idea what to say to that.  All he knows is hearing a voice saying his name like that after he asks a question makes him feel like he is in for it.  Especially  _that_  name.  Because he’s not supposed to answer to that name ever again.

“Should I go talk to Pearl?” Levi asks.  

Jesus nods.  It’s so much easier to indicate what other people should do than to have an opinion about what he should do.  He watches Levi walk into the kitchen and speak lowly with Pearl.  Crouches next to Dudley, who’s not having any of it, and starts nudging Jesus under the elbow with his massive head.

“You can sit on the furniture,” Francesca offers in a tiny voice.  “Nobody will get mad…”

“Oh.”  Jesus blinks.  Nods.  Stands up. Walks to the couch.  Sits.

“Can I?  Sit down, too?  On the couch?” Francesca checks.

Jesus nods.

“Sorry I scared you by whining,” Francesca apologizes.  “And the thing I was whining about.  I didn’t know.  I just…really don’t like being left out…” Francesca admits.

“I know,” Jesus nods.

“So…” Levi says quietly, walking back into the living room.  He stops short, gesturing to the footstool nearby and raising his eyebrows.  He only sits, when Jesus nods consent.  “Pearl wanted me to check in.  See how you’re feeling about cooking.”

Jesus blinks.  “I feel fine.”

“Happy?” Francesca asks carefully, holding up one finger.  “Sad,” another finger.  “Angry,” a third.  “Or scared?” her last finger.  

“Nothing,” Jesus presses.  “I’m fine.”

“Dominique said sometimes blankness means trying to hide from trauma.  Dis-sociated.  That’s kinda like scared, maybe.” Francesca observes.

“So what?” Jesus challenges, feeling empty.  “I can still cook.”

“Listen.  Nobody wants to take your control away,” Levi tells him.  “We all get how vital that is.”  He pauses.  “But maybe you’re not feeling very safe?”

“So?” Jesus asks again.  He’s barely focused on Levi or Francesca.  “I can still do it.”

For a while, Jesus doesn’t hear anything.  This is as close to stuck as he’s felt in a long time.  Dudley’s got his front paws on Jesus’s knees, licking his face.  It sorta feels like it’s happening to someone else.

“Maybe you could pick one of us?” Francesca asks.  “Like how I can pick who helps me.  Pick the person you trust the most to help.  Then they’ll cook the enchiladas.”

But Jesus can’t think of anything except time ticking down.  He has to eat at 5 P.M. or else things’ll get even more gnarly than they already are.  So, he’s on a deadline.  He needs to do something or else they’ll end up eating late.

“Do you want me to?” Levi asks.  

Jesus meets his eyes.  Desperate.

“You could come to the kitchen.  See what’s happening.  So you’d still know food’s cooking.”

Jesus nods, just a little.  Walks to the kitchen clutching Dudley’s leash.

Almost gets hung up bracing himself on the back of a kitchen chair, but Francesca butts in front of him.

“You can hang onto my shoulders,” she offers.  “I’ll be your backup.  Keep you safe from the chairs.  So you know you can eat this.  ‘Cause this is for all of us, right, Levi?” Francesca checks.  “These enchiladas?”

“That’s right.  They’re for all of us Avoiders.  First, I’m gonna preheat the oven.  Because it has to be warm to cook our food.”

Jesus tries to breathe.  Focus on the fact that he’s holding onto his little sis.  Not on all of His words crowding Jesus’s head.  Not on the nagging fear that he will actually starve if he has to watch someone else make dinner.  Francesca steadies herself.  On instinct, she reaches back for his hand.

He holds on tight, making sure she’s safe.  It helps.

–

“I swear, all I did was say his name, but that was enough because he got this fear in his eyes…” Pearl manages.  

“Hey, it’s okay,” Mariana reassures.

“Names are hard.” Dominique offers.  “Sometimes…if we’re in a mindset…like before…it can be terrifying.”

“But wouldn’t that make you feel safe?” Pearl asks, confused.  “Knowing you’re around people who recognize you.  Who aren’t calling you some other name?”

“Unless he was taught…like I was…to never respond to his own name again.  Unless he was threatened with violence over it.  Unless he experienced it firsthand. What might happen if he forgot for a minute, and…responded in a way that might’ve identified him…” Dominique shares.

(Pearl wonders if Dominique knows she is wincing as she speaks.  If this is how she always prefers to tell pieces of her own story.  By using it to give context to someone else’s.)

“So, what I said might have actually made him afraid I’d hurt him?” Pearl asks, incredulous.

“Hey…what have we been telling Francesca all day?  She didn’t mean to, right?” Mariana insists.  “You didn’t either.”

“But I didn’t get to go through all the steps.  Tell him I won’t hurt him.  Apologize.” Pearl manages, a little breathless.  She goes to the bedroom door and peers out.  Closes it.  Comes back to sit on the bed.  “He’s out there right now, staring into the freezer at the enchiladas.”

“That’s good,” Mariana encourages.  “He likes to be able to see the food there.  When we were little, there were a lot of empty cupboards.  So we both used to do that a lot.”

But Pearl still feels like she has ruined so much - triggering Jesus, allowing her mom in her life, not being aware of Levi’s history with her, not being aware of her dad’s existence.  Not to mention Jared.  The woods.  The pain.  The gun.  Not to mention how ruined Pearl still  _feels_ , given the right circumstances.

She’s short of breath.  Her hand tremor is showing up strong.  Thoughts racing.

“Pearl?” Dominique checks.  She’s squatted in front of Pearl, who’s on the bed, with Cleo nipping at her hands.  “Breathe.  Slow.”

She tries to drag in a breath, but her throat’s too full of tears. They start falling down her cheeks.

“Pearl sandwich?” Mariana asks sadly.  “Can we hug you?”

An ugly sob escapes and Pearl nods.  Dominique and Mariana sit on either side of Pearl and embrace her, their heads bent together.

It’s one of the kindest things Pearl can recall in recent years - Mariana and Dominique comforting her as she has her feelings.  No such comfort had ever existed for Pearl, even back in April of ‘99.  (Not that she wanted hugs then.)  But she hadn’t been listened to.  She’d been consistently shut down after some initial sympathetic words.  A halfhearted: “He shouldn’t have done that.”

After a while, Pearl’s able to gather herself.  She’s learned not to let herself go fully into the memory of the trauma.  If she does that, it’s very hard to come back.  To calm down.  To find her center again.

Eventually, Mariana tenderly touches the bracelet on Pearl’s wrist.  “I recognize this,” she says fondly.

“What?” Dominique asks, and Mariana shows her.  “Why?” Dominique is clearly still confused.

“It was Jesus’s.  One of the first things he picked out for himself.  Paid for with his own money.  When we turned 16, I begged him to come shopping with me.  It wasn’t great for him.  But we went on a quiet day and nobody was really around.  I let him lead the way and he ended up looking at all these bracelets.  Kept looking at this one.  Eventually, he settled on it.  Bought it.  It was a big deal.”

“I had no idea,” Pearl says, drying her tears.  “He just gave it to me one day before you guys went home the last time.  Said something about how we’d always be connected.  He was kinda right,” Pearl nods.  Focusing on Mariana’s story about Jesus picking out the bracelet allowed her to calm down.  To breathe.

“Better?” Dominique asks.

“Yeah, thank you.  I know you’re not a hugger, so I want you to know I appreciate this,” Pearl tells Dominique.  “And I appreciate your insight, too.”

Dominique nods. “We have time.  And we understand just needing a minute.”

Mariana nods, too.  They’re both staying close.

It helps.

–

Levi’s not a cook.  He’s not even sure he’s doing everything right.  (Seriously. What does “tenting the foil” even mean?)  But he’s trying to do his best here, for Jesus.  Plus, it really is helping him to stay busy right now.  Helping Jesus is helping him.  Weird how that’s a thing.

Weird because Levi’s spent so much time lately trying to spare the people around him.  He hadn’t wanted to tell Pearl anything.  Hadn’t wanted the other Avoiders to know either, because what if his stuff made them feel even more of their own trauma?  Levi still feels like that, but he’s also realizing that being open about when they struggle can allow them to be there for each other.  That they can actually provide each other with healthy ways of coping.

“It’s for all of us?” Jesus checks, the same as he has once a minute for the past 15, while they waited for the oven to preheat.

He’s gone from staring at the enchiladas in the freezer, and touching the box, to asking that question.  Like he needs constant proof that he’s gonna get to eat.  Levi’s glad to give it to him.  Even offers Jesus the cardboard from the outside of the plastic container.

Jesus sends Levi a confused look.

“So, this is the step we’re on,” Levi points.  “Now it’s in the oven.  And when the timer rings, it’ll be cooked and we can all eat it.”

“And?  Is it for all of us?” Jesus repeats.

“Yes, it’s for all of us,” Levi answers, patient.  

“Me, too?” Jesus checks, like he’s not quite sure he can believe it.  “I feel like I’m gonna starve…and die…” he confesses quietly, covering Francesca’s ears gently.

“I still heard you,” Francesca explains, matter of fact.  She moves Jesus’s hands off her ears and back to her shoulders.  “Wanna go pick a snack?”

Jesus raises his eyebrows at Levi.

Levi feels deeply uncomfortable.  Like because he’s cooking, Jesus is asking him for permission to even touch other food.  Instead of letting his own nerves show, Levi digs deep for some confidence.  Looks Jesus in the eyes:  “Dude.  You’re a human.  Humans need to eat.  Basic needs.”

Jesus walks to the pantry, his eyes locked on Levi.  Opens the box of Hostess cupcakes.  Takes out a package.  “So, if I take these?” he asks, his voice strangely intense.  “What will happen?”

Levi tries to think about this from Jesus’s point of view.  Remembers the story he told Levi of his moms forcing him to stay in a chair.  Forcing food into him against his will.  “Well, I’m gonna be out here, keeping an eye on the enchiladas.  Maybe set the table.”

“I can,” Jesus offers.

“Listen,” Levi makes himself slow down.  It’s not a habit yet, and like Francesca said early on, it’s hard to do.  “I’ve got my basic needs right now, so I can set the table and be safe.  But if you feel like you’re starving?  It means you should go eat those cupcakes, probably, right?”  On instinct, Levi adds, “Francesca, you can come be my assistant if you want.  Keep an eye on the oven?” he invites.

(Levi’s got a hunch that if Jesus is given enough space and as little pressure as possible, he might be able to eat.)

“I’m gonna go help Levi,” Francesca tells Jesus.  “I’ll be right there,” she points.

Jesus nods, studying the cupcakes.

“You’re doing a good job cooking,” Francesca offers, sidling up to Levi at the silverware drawer.

“Thanks,” Levi laughs.  “I don’t really know what I’m doing.  Pearl usually cooks.  Even thaws the frozen stuff.”

“Did you know Pearl’s mom made her make a whole dinner before all by herself when she was my age?” Francesca asks.  “Spaghetti.”

“No, I didn’t know…” Levi shakes his head.  He tries to breathe.  Even though it’s slightly easier to hear about Carla now that Jesus told her off, Levi still feels his heartbeat pick up.

“That’s mean, right?” Francesca checks.

“It’s definitely not cool,” Levi agrees.

“I had to make whole dinners when I was nine,” Jesus offers softly.

Levi glances over his shoulder.  He’s got the cupcakes open.  And gone already.  “Yeah?”

Francesca bites her lip.  “The bad guy made you do that?”

Jesus nods.

“That’s so mean, isn’t it, Levi?” Francesca asks.

“It is,” Levi nods.

“Is that why the kitchen and cooking stuff makes you scared now?” Francesca asks.

“I guess.” Jesus nods.

“Can I ask a question?” Francesca wonders.  “Not about trauma or anything I promise.”

Jesus nods.  He’s found a bottle of water, too, and is chugging that.  

Levi finds himself happy that Jesus is able to be calm enough to eat.  Given all the triggers he’s experienced just today, it’s definitely a big deal that Jesus can do this.

“Do you know about my dad?” Francesca asks.

“What?” Jesus asks.

“Well, I wish two moms can make a baby, but I know they actually need a dad.  So…do you know who mine is?  Or anything about him?” Francesca asks.

“Frankie.  Buddy.  I’m so not the one to ask…” Jesus tells her.  He actually smiles a little.

“Oh.  Oh my gosh, I forgot, totally.  Sometimes I wish so hard for you to have been there for all my whole life?  My mind believes it’s actually true…” Francesca looks regretful.  “Sorry if I made you sad.”

“No.  I like knowing you wanted me to be there.   _I_  wanted to be there.  And I haven’t heard anything about your dad before.  But if I do, you want me to let you know?”

Francesca nods.  Then squints at Jesus.  “How could you wanna be there for me before you knew there  _was_  a me?”

“It’s a thing,” Pearl confirms, walking up to Levi and opening her arms.  “Us older sibs who missed out?  We always wish we could’ve been there for you guys…”

Levi relaxes into Pearl’s embrace.  He’s been needing this.

“We wish we could’ve been there for you guys,” Francesca pipes up, so sincere.  “To stop anybody from hurting you.”

“She’s right, you know?” Levi asks Pearl, quiet.

He hopes Pearl knows just how much he wishes that.


	48. Chapter 48

When Levi sets the enchiladas on the table, Jesus is glad that he’d managed to ask if Levi could be next to him at the table.  With him being the only person who understands this specific food trigger, it’s important that the person closest to Jesus wouldn’t assume he needed help and start pushing him to eat.

Jesus hopes everybody else remembers, too.

He’s had the cardboard from around the enchiladas this whole time.  It’s helped to see what step Levi was on.  To be able to follow along.  To have a constant reminder that dinner was being made and that it was for all of them - even Jesus.  Even now, Jesus keeps the piece of cardboard next to him at the table.  

Nobody comments.

The girls (no, Francesca, Mariana, Dominique and Pearl - they’re human beings - they have names) are talking about how excited they are to try these enchiladas.

Jesus hesitates.  He picked the end of a bench on purpose, so only Levi is around him, but still.  Meals make him hella nervous.  There’d been plenty of times when Jesus got his ass kicked Then, for the tiniest wrong move.  And there were the times when he was home, when Moms tried to force him to eat.  Or when all hell broke loose because it was when all of them were together and everybody’s annoyance at each other came out.

Needless to say, his guard is up pretty high.

“These are for all of us,” Levi reminds quietly.  “And nobody’s gonna make you do anything.  You can pick one whenever you’re ready.”

Vaguely, Jesus is aware that no one else has made a move for them.  Even though, Francesca, in particular, burns calories like it’s going out of style.  She could use all eight of these enchiladas.  But she’s waiting patiently.  They all are.  Under the table, Dudley’s got his head in Jesus’s lap.

“Which one?” Jesus manages.  (Usually, what happened was, if he ate at all Before it was whatever He didn’t want.  Something burned.  Or cold.  Or days old.  And later, Moms just put food on his plate.  Either way, it felt controlling as hell.)

“Any of the eight,” Levi tells Jesus.

Somehow, it’s just specific enough for Jesus to be able to move forward.  To reach for the spatula.  To select the one on the very end.  (It probably wanted a quick out, too, if any of the other enchiladas got unpredictable.)  Jesus puts it on his plate, safely.

“You can take some rice.  There’s a bunch your enchilada was resting on in there.” Levi invites.

Jesus reaches out again.  Scoops some rice on his plate, too.

Levi makes sure he’s been able to take green beans and pour a glass of milk, besides that, before any of the rest make a move for food, or beverages.  But it’s not been quiet as hell either.  Nobody’s been watching him.  Nobody’s asked him a bunch of questions.  They’ve just been talking to each other.

Jesus is aware of everybody else serving themselves.  Settling down to eat.  He glances down at his plate.

His left arm’s around it protectively.  In his right hand, he’s clutching a fork like it’s a weapon.  His plate has traces of enchilada juice.  A few grains of rice.  The bare spot where beans must’ve been.  Even his glass is empty.

It’s been years since Jesus has space-ate.  Basically, eating while checked out.  Disappeared.  It sucks.  Because Jesus had been looking forward to the damn enchiladas for every single agonizing minute he’d had to wait for them.  The smell was freaking amazing.  And now, Jesus’s was completely gone, and he can’t even remember tasting it.

“Oh, I really want another one, but I can’t…like…whatever…having another…” Mariana sounds as tortured as Jesus.

“We can split it,” Dominique offers.

Jesus feels panic building.  There are only two left in the pan.  Now, Dominique’s dividing one for her and Mari to share.  Just one left.

Dominique glances up from what she’s doing.  Locks eyes with Jesus.  “You want this one,” she points to the whole one with the spatula.  “I’ll leave it for you.”

“What if…you guys want it…” Jesus manages.

“So full,” Francesca says, sticking out her tiny belly and patting it.

“And I’m still working on this one,” Levi points out.

“Same,” Pearl calls out.  

By now, Dominique’s given Mariana half of the other enchilada and kept half for herself.  The one she said she’d leave for him is still there.  His entire body is tense.

He cuts a glance at Levi.  “I don’t have to…” he hesitates.

“But you can.  These are for all of us.  You, included.” Levi reminds him.

“Leftovers don’t taste as good as non-leftovers,” Francesca insists.  

Jesus glances at her.  “What?”

“You should have it now while it tastes the best,” Francesca offers easily.  “Hey, I just got a great idea.  Can we have S’mores for our Feelings Time snack?”

Jesus uses the distraction Francesca’s question creates to snag the last enchilada.  The last scoop of rice.  This time, Jesus tries to slow down, so he can taste everything.  It really is good.  Plus, being aware he’s eating is actually helping bring Jesus around.  Helping him feel more present.

–

“Levi, you wanna walk the dogs with me?  I mean, if Pearl still wants us to walk Cleo?”

The question surprises Levi.  Jesus has been pretty quiet except for his checking in about whether dinner was still for him.  Glancing at Dudley and Cleo in the corner of the kitchen, eating their dinner, Levi checks with Pearl.

“Hey, sis?” he asks, trying out the term of affection.  Levi holds his breath, hoping Pearl will recognize he’s talking to her.

“You’re sis,” Dominique tells Pearl, elbowing her lightly.

Pearl glances up.  “Oh!”  A nervous smile spreads.  “I guess I am sis, huh?  What is it?” she asks.

“Did you want Jesus and I to walk Cleo when we take Dudley out?” Levi asks.

Pearl blinks, surprised.  (To Levi, it looks like she’s totally forgotten that Cleo might even need to go out.)  “Oh.  You guys would do that?” she asks, touched.

“Yeah.  Of course,” Levi nods.

“Because that will give us enough time to clean up and get these S’mores going.  So that would really help.  Thank you,” Pearl nods.

–

Ever since Pearl had brought up the possibility of making S’mores in the traditional “up north” fashion - building a fire in Frank’s fire pit - Jesus’s response had been clear in her mind:

“ _We can’t do fires_.”

He hadn’t offered more than that.  But all it had taken was a single glance at Dominique, whom Pearl has now seen a few times out of costume, in short sleeves and without makeup, to understand why a giant bonfire was a no-go.

Pearl remained intrigued by Jesus’s way of advocating for those around him, while simultaneously protecting their privacy.  They’re leaving the day after tomorrow, and Pearl knows she’s likely not going to ever know the genesis of Dominique’s injuries, nor is she entitled to that information.  But Jesus had done more than shield Dominique from undue questions, he had also claimed her trigger as belonging to the group.  Not appropriatively, but in solidarity with her.

Simply knowing the small amount Jesus had chosen to share allowed Pearl to begin thinking of alternatives to this conundrum.  No, they might not be able to have the immersive “up north” experience that a bonfire typically provided.  But what good would it be, if seeing it would trigger one of their own?

It’s not lost on Pearl how watchful Dominique becomes at each mention of S’mores, so she sets out to ease Dominique’s mind:

“You know, I haven’t made my S’mores this way much since I was a kid, but…I thought we could go old-school and microwave them.” Pearl offers.

“Jesus told you?” Dominique checks.  She’s quiet.  Nervous.

“He did.  And I’m glad.  The last thing I want is to accidentally trigger anyone else here…  If I know in advance, I can do my best to avoid them.”

Dominique still seems concerned.  “But the rest of you.  You’ll miss out, right?”

“I don’t think so,” Pearl says easily.  “Either way, we all get S’mores.  And this way, we all get S’mores and we’re safe.”

Pearl’s assembling graham crackers, Hershey’s chocolate bars and marshmallows.  Dominique has come up beside her, and is building the S’mores for microwaving.

“You doing okay?” Dominique checks.  “Still blame yourself?”

Pearl meets her eyes.  “How’d you know?”

“It doesn’t go away with one conversation,” Dominique points out gently.  “Also, the weekend…”

“Yes…” Pearl adds ruefully. “Also,  _that_ …  Is it strange to say it’s kind of taken a back seat this year?  There’s so much more going on now that’s a more immediate focus.”

“No, it’s not strange,” Dominique shakes her head.  

“I wanted to thank you for being there for Levi…  I’m really glad he has a friend like you.”

“I’m glad to,” Dominique says simply.

“I’m really glad you came,” Pearl tells Dominique honestly.

Dominique smiles a little.  “You know, I never thought I’d say this at first, but I’m glad, too.”

–

“Are you changing in your pajamas, too?” Francesca checks from the bathroom.

“Yeah.” Mariana says back.

“Good.  ‘Cause I don’t like being the only one.”

“Don’t worry.  You’re not.” Mariana  reassures from the bedroom.  The bathroom door is closed between them but Francesca can still hear.

“Mariana?” Francesca says, softly.

“What?”

“I don’t wanna go home….” Francesca admits.  Now that her PJs are on, she opens the door.  She forgot to check if Mariana’s changed yet.  Luckily she is.  Francesca stands by the bathroom, holding on the the door handle.  She’s biting her lip.

“I know.  Come here,” Mariana invites, waving Francesca over.

They used to not cuddle very much.  Francesca was scared to go see Mariana in the hospital.  But eventually she did.  Moms were being weird all the time back then.  Smiling even when it made their faces look broken, because they really weren’t happy.  But they were trying to be strong for Mari, they said.

But in the car on the way back they cried, or said it was like Mari was gone.  Francesca was scared that was true for a long time.  Because she was used to adults always being right.  Moms especially.  So, for months, Francesca believed them and felt sad that Mariana was gone and Other Mariana was here.

It’s helped now that Francesca’s an Avoider and she knows about respect.  It helped to learn about accommodations.  And to remember she and Mariana are alike.  And that CP didn’t make Francesca gone.  So Mari’s brain injury didn’t make her gone, either.  It just made her different.  And different doesn’t equal less.

Francesca gets on the bed, too.  Snuggles against Mariana’s side.

“We’ll go home together,” Mariana tells her.

“I know,” is all Francesca says.  But inside, she is so glad she doesn’t have to go alone.

–

Levi and Jesus walk through the woods again.  It’s quiet.  Still.  

He doesn’t comment, like Pearl might, about wood ticks or poison ivy, when Jesus stops every so often, to run his hands along bark on a tree.  Or to touch the flowers out in boxes in front of Pearl’s cabin.  Levi actually finds himself hesitantly joining Jesus.  Doing the same things.

While Jesus’s favorite seems to be the tree bark, Levi’s favorites are definitely the flowers.  He’s never thought of touching them before.  And it feels really intense.  Because they’re perfect, but also demand gentleness, because they’re so intricate, and Levi could never even think of breaking one.

“I screamed in my car,” Levi tells Jesus after a while of tailing the dogs.

Jesus just waits.  Listens.  Finally, he asks:  “Why?”

“Because it’s always how screaming feels,” Levi says.  He knows this explanation does nothing to clarify or answer Jesus’s question.  But they’re the words he has right now.  Because Jesus doesn’t rush to speak, or tell Levi he’s not listening, he can keep going.  “Like…when I screamed before?  Nobody heard.  Nobody cared.  So, I think I scream in the car, because it’s where nobody hears.  Where I convince myself nobody cares.”

“Trauma’s intense,” Jesus comments.  “Like…even if it’s the worst thing.  Even if you tell yourself you never wanna be in it ever again?  I don’t know.  There are times, I know I go back to it.  Because even if it sucks?  It was familiar.  And familiar feels safer than…”

“Than just not knowing…” Levi ventures.

“Right.  So, it makes sense.  Hey, thanks for having my back tonight.  At dinner.”

“Yeah.  Thanks for scaring her away or whatever.  Seriously.  I don’t know what we would’ve done without you.” Levi confides.

“You guys still gonna change the locks?” Jesus wonders.

“I hope.  I mean, if Pearl says we can.” Levi says.

“You know how?” Jesus asks.

“There’s a lock place in Brainerd near where my mom lives.  I can go there and schedule something.” Levi says.  “Or Pearl could do it online.”

“Talk to Pearl.  Do it ASAP.  If it’s cost or something she’s up against, let us know.  We’ll help out.  You can’t put a price on safety.” Jesus responds seriously.

“I know,” Levi nods.  “And thanks.  We should probably get these two back to the cabin.  Have some S’mores.”

“If there’s any left,” Jesus jokes, a flicker of a smile crossing his face.  “Mariana’s all about S’mores…”

“We have plenty.  Don’t worry,” Levi reassures.  “Enough that Mariana can eat her fill and the rest of us can have some, too.”

Jesus laughs.  “Hey, were you serious about that Avoiders chat?  ‘Cause I can talk to Moms about letting Fran download the Messenger app to stay in touch with you guys when…”

“Definitely,” Levi nods.  “You okay?  We don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to.  I know it was rough this morning.”

“Yeah, well, I’m used to it…” Jesus mutters darkly.

There’s a silence.  Eventually, Levi breaks it.  “Can I ask…what’s up with being so hands on with all the nature?”

“Sensory…” Jesus offers.

“Sensory what?” Levi echoes, confused.

“I don’t wanna say.  You’ll think it’s dumb,” Jesus decides.

“Dude, nothing you say is dumb.  I’m asking because…it helped me, I think?  I never thought to do anything like that.”

“For me…” Jesus begins.  “I got sensory issues.  From what happened to me, and probably even earlier than that.  Tactile input is good for me because it helps me stay present.  And calm, I guess, too.  Because especially if I have time to check out nature like this, there must not be any rush.  You know?  I can focus on just the one thing.  Not the trauma.”

“Maybe that’s why it helped me, then…” Levi ventures.  “Something to focus on?”

“Maybe.” Jesus nods.  He sighs.  “It’s weird.  Telling Pearl’s mom off?  Kinda felt like the easy part in all this?  The hard part was earlier.  My head’s still all messed up from that.”

“Maybe ‘cause you had some control over telling her off,” Levi offers.  “You chose to go deal with her.  You didn’t choose to remember some messed up crap from your past.”

They don’t talk anymore.  It’s not until they’re walking up to the cabin that Levi realizes, this whole time they’ve been out, and he hasn’t thought to scan for Carla once.

He breathes deep.

It feels so good.

 


	49. Chapter 49

Levi’s not so sure he’s ready to have feelings with everybody.  Last time, he’d just written a short response to Dominique’s own feelings and shared it with her.  It’s hard to open up like this.  To build up his trust in other people.  To let them close even though they really might let him down.  Disappoint him.  Hurt him even, but at least, not on purpose.

The pile of S’mores on the table looks inviting.  Levi sticks close to Jesus again, in case he needs to keep feeling like nobody’s about to force him to eat a S’more when he doesn’t want to.

“Anybody wanna share a feeling?” Dominique asks, when it’s clear that Jesus isn’t going to say anything.

And, maybe because it’s Dominique and she’s sitting on the other side of Levi right now, and he remembers being able to share with her things he couldn’t share with anybody else, Levi offers:

“The S’mores are making me…I don’t know…suspicious?” he admits.

Dominique raises her eyebrows but doesn’t comment.  Seems like they all might be waiting for Levi to say more.  Eventually he can.  

“Maybe because…I don’t know…they seem like…you know how parents always caution kids - sorry Jesus and anybody else this might apply to - but like, “ _Don’t take candy from strangers?_ ”

Beside Levi, Jesus stiffens, but offers, “Or rides…”

“Or do favors…” Dominique comments cynically.

“Amen,” Pearl says, raising a hand, even though Levi hasn’t known his sister to be particularly religious.

Francesca just eats her S’more and says, “I am so confused right now.”

“Let’s let Levi finish what he’s saying, and then maybe you won’t be confused anymore,” Mariana encourages.

“It’s just…the S’mores feel…like…the thing that lures somebody?” Levi tries.  “Like the cookies I remember from your mom’s house.”  He nods at Pearl.  “I felt on edge around her, but I loved the cookies.  So…”

“Like bait,” Mariana comments.  “You feel like the S’mores are us…baiting you…what…into a trap?”

“Like…I’m…” Levi tries.  The words stop coming.

Francesca thrusts her hand in the air and waves it around.  “Ooh.  Can I please say all the specific stuff about the S’mores?”

Levi nods.  “Specific stuff would be good.”

“So,” Francesca starts importantly.  “These S’mores are  not a trick.  They’re accommodation food.  And also Avoiders-friendship-food because we all like to eat snacks while we talk.”

“But…” Levi ventures.  He glances at Dominique.  “If I eat one, does that mean I’m obligated…you know…to talk?”

“No,” Dominique shakes her head.  

“A S’more that makes you talk?  That is a trick.  These S’mores are the  _opposite_  of a trick.  These aren’t like those other cookies…” Francesca tries to explain.  But Levi can see her thinking, now that she’s mentioned the cookies again.

“Fran?  You okay?” Jesus checks.

“Yeah, I just…had a trauma question but I think it’s rude.” she admits.

“Well, use your judgement,” Dominique encourages.  “Exercise that muscle.”

“I’m  _really_  curious, though,” Francesca winces.  “But I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings by asking about hard things.  So, I shouldn’t.  But I don’t think I can keep it in.”

“Who is it a trauma question for?” Pearl asks.  “Remember that Jesus might not feel safe answering a question about trauma today still.  And I also might want to opt out…”

“It’s not you guys,” Francesca reassures.  “It’s Levi.”

“So, maybe, first…” Dominique cautions.  “We make sure Levi doesn’t have anymore suspicions about our S’mores.”

“I do…” Levi manages.  “I can’t help it.”

“Okay.  Do you have questions?” Dominique wonders.

Levi thinks of the poem they wrote together yesterday.  Of his ‘rude boy’ line.  “Is it rude to eat one of these but not talk?  Not answer a question?”

“No,” Mariana says.  “That’s your boundary.  Your right.”

“What about if I don’t wanna eat one at all?” Levi checks.  “And I still don’t wanna share?  Is that rude?”

“Nobody’s gonna force you to eat,” Jesus comments quietly.  “Boundaries aren’t rude.  So, there are three options,” he starts out slowly.  “An option means, it’s a choice.  That any of the three are okay to pick.  Or not.  Number one:  You can eat a S’more if you want, and talk, too, if you want.”

“Do I have to?” Levi presses, feeling like this is super urgent.

“Sorry.” Jesus apologizes.  “I might be going too fast.”

“No…it’s just…the way I am…” Levi sighs, remembering Carla’s words from the video she sent him.  All the mud everywhere.  Him in a robe that she wore usually, probably when she was all naked.  Gross.

“Okay the West sibs need a feelings break,” Pearl says.

Levi scoots his chair back.  But he hears Dominique’s voice lowly encouraging Pearl: “Ask him.  Don’t swoop.”

“Right,” Levi hears Pearl self-correct.  “Levi?  Do you need a break?  Whatever you decide is okay.”

He nods and gets up, but Levi has no idea where to go. But Pearl just walks with him until he ends up outside sitting in the grass.  There are some bald spots in it.  Spots that could be really muddy.

When Levi glances up to see if Pearl’s still here, she is.  Just waiting.  Just being with him.

“Sorry. It’s just…” Levi finally starts, then stops.

“It’s just that food feels loaded…” Pearl finishes, understanding.  She lets Cleo off leash and sets her in Levi’s lap.

“It’s good food.  Organized all perfect on a plate.  Like if you eat it, then she has you…”  Levi glances up.  “I’m sorry.”

“No.  That’s totally valid.  It’s why I can’t hear a random kid your age ask for a ride or a favor without losing my breath.  Because even if the two things are in no way connected.  Our senses are very much connected.  So the feeling of seeing a special treat out on the table  _does_  feel suspicious.” Pearl affirms.

Levi’s quiet, petting Cleo.  “I didn’t listen.”

“When?” Pearl asks.

“In there.  They were trying to explain and…I was trying to listen but it was like…the words came into my head one at a time.  They went through this sieve one at a time and then they vanished.  I can’t make sense of all of them at the same time.  But if I don’t listen, it’s bad,” Levi tries to explain.

“How is it bad?” Pearl asks.

“Like…it’s just the way I am…  That’s what she said.   _Such a little shit.  Never listens_.” Levi finds himself parroting back Carla’s words.

Pearl winces.  “She said those things to you?  That being bad is just the way you are?”

“That’s not the part that’s bad.” Levi comments softly.

“Oh, okay.  I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes.  “I’m listening.  You can tell me the bad part if you want.”

“The bad part is…if I don’t listen…I get in trouble.” Levi ventures, meeting her eyes finally.  

He feels empty.  Hollow.  Just like he did that day.  Whenever the day was.  Back in the Spring-maybe of third grade.  He pets Cleo.  It helps some.

“That really makes a lot of sense,” Pearl nods.

“It does?” Levi wonders.

“It does.  It would be beyond hard to listen to what anyone says if you’ve got proof in the back of your head of the terrible things that can happen if you don’t.  But I’m gonna tell you something, okay?  And it’s 100% safe if it doesn’t sink in the first time.  Or the second.  Or the third.  Because I’ll keep telling you.”

“Okay,” Levi says, wary.  “What?”

“You are not in trouble.  We all love you.  The S’mores are not a trap,” Pearl explains.  Her voice sounds so gentle.  So patient.  So nothing like her mom.

“Can you tell me that in a hug?” Levi asks, hesitant.

Pearl nods and opens her arms.  Cleo climbs from Levi’s lap to Pearl’s.  And Levi leans into the embrace.  Even better, Pearl seems to realize slowing down might help.  She shares each sentence one at a time.  She repeats that he is not in trouble softly, gently, rocking him a little.

“I’m not?” he asks finally.

“What did you hear?” she asks, like she’d love to know.  Like she cares about that stuff.  Like she’s interested.

“I’m not in trouble for not listening?” Levi repeats.

“Yes.  You are not in trouble for not listening.” Pearl insists like she loves him a ton.  “We all love you,” she tells him next, repeating it calmly until he checks with her about that, too.

“But she didn’t?  Right?  Your mom?” Levi asks.  “She didn’t love me and that’s why she could hurt me.  Because you don’t hurt people you love like that…”

“Right.  She didn’t.  But we do.  All of us Avoiders.  We love you.  And we don’t hurt people we love like that.  You are absolutely right.”

Levi relaxes a little bit more.

“And the S’mores?  They’re just S’mores.  Regular old S’mores that Dominique and I melted in the microwave in Frank’s cabin.” Pearl tells him, resting her chin on his head.

“Not a trick?” he double checks.

“No, the S’mores are not a trick,” Pearl tells him.  “You can know that’s true, because you are not in trouble for not listening.  And most of all because we love you.  Tricking people hurts them.  And we don’t hurt people we love,” she explains.

“I think this helps it get in,” Levi admits softly.  Feeling weirdly okay in the long, loose hug Pearl’s giving him.

“I’m glad.” Pearl tells him.

“Thanks for noticing…you know…that I needed a break…” Levi tells her, finally pulling away and wiping his eyes.

“Of course.  I always want to notice when you’re not okay, Levi.  I know I haven’t done a good job of it so far, but I meant what I said about becoming a safe person for you.  I’m gonna keep working on it.”

“You’re doing a good job,” Levi tells her. “Your reaction now is way different than with the cookies…”

“Yes, that was not my finest moment…” Pearl comments ruefully.  “I’ve learned a lot since then.  And I hope to prove it’s sticking for me.”

“Um…now that we’re face to face…is it okay if I tell you again that I don’t blame you…about any of what she did…?” Levi ventures.

He doesn’t miss it when Pearl’s gaze shifts.  When she goes from looking Levi in the eye to looking over his head slightly.

“You can  _say_  it…” Pearl manages, clearing her own throat.

Levi hears the unspoken:  _but that doesn’t mean I’ll believe it_.  Still, Levi says it again, aware of just how many times Pearl had to repeat that the S’mores weren’t a trick and he wasn’t in trouble.  That Levi was loved.  Before he could even start to believe her.

“I don’t, Pearl.  I never have,” Levi tells her seriously.  

“Maybe you should.  Of all people, I should’ve known about her.  I should’ve been there.  How can you live with a person for over 20 years and not suspect…?”

“Because people are really good at pretending,” Levi tells her.  “Really good.”

“I wish it never happened,” Pearl says, her voice heavy.

“To either of us,” Levi nods.

They’re silent for a while, before Levi suggests going back inside.  Admits he really does want a S’more. But kinda hopes the perfect stack is messed up by now, or maybe there’s one left they saved for him.

Levi takes a deep breath and walks back inside.  The S’mores plate just has crumbs on it now, and he sits down, dejected.  Pearl hangs around near him.

“Is it okay if I make you a fresh one?  Bring it over for you?” she asks.

Levi glances at her, surprised.  “Sure.  I mean, if you want.  Sorry for bailing,” he apologizes to the table.

“Hey, we all gotta bail sometime,” Jesus comments easily.

Levi finds himself waiting to say more until Pearl comes back by him and drops off a fresh S’more on a paper plate.  She has another for herself, which Cleo really wants.

“So…Francesca…you had a trauma question?” Levi checks.

“I don’t have to ask if it’ll upset you…” she concedes.

“Can I hear it?  And then decide?” he asks.

“Okay,” Francesca takes a deep breath.  “I know it’s none of my business…but you said Pearl’s mom made you cookies that were a trick.  And Pearl, you said how your mom made you cook a whole dinner when you were just a kid.  And that’s the same thing the bad guy did to Jesus.  So…did Pearl’s mom…like…is she…your trauma, I guess?”

Solemnly, Levi nods, taking a bite of the S’more.  “I don’t feel comfortable saying more than that…except that Pearl was moved out.  So she didn’t know about it.  It wasn’t on her, you know, what her mom did.”

“Because we all make our own choices,” Francesca nods.  “Okay, I was just wondering if she’s an unsafe person.  ‘Cause she kinda seemed like it when she was yelling at Pearl that one day.  No offense, Pearl.”

“None taken,” Pearl reassures.  “My mother is definitely an unsafe person.”  Levi watches as Pearl tips her chin.  “It’s time people knew that about her, rather than believing the image she projects.”

“What’s that mean?” Francesca asks.

“It means she’s not a good mom…but she wants people to think she is.  And people believe her.”

“But what about Levi?  People should believe him.” Francesca insists, confused and angry at the injustice.

“Well, we do believe him, don’t we?” Pearl asks.  “That’s six people right there who know the truth about her.  Who believe Levi.”

Pearl meets his eyes.  Nods.

Levi nods back, tears shining in his eyes.


	50. Chapter 50

Pearl’s encouraged by the feedback she’s gotten from Levi.  That she’s doing a good job at being a safe person.  That he felt appreciative of her noticing he needed a break.  And looking at Levi now, with tears in his eyes, pushes Pearl to be even more explicit with him.  She almost plunges ahead with more instructions, but Dominique’s comment about asking, not swooping, sticks in Pearl’s mind.  She rethinks her approach.

“Levi, I wondered if you’d be okay with me bringing up something that’s between us…with The Avoiders here.  So you’ll be able to feel supported by them, and know that I mean what I say.”

“Is it about me?” Levi asks, concerned.  Pearl finds herself beyond proud that he’s still eating his S’more.  He’s able to ask questions.  Because it means he’s feeling more comfortable.

“It’s actually more about me,” Pearl admits, blushing.

“Oh.  Then, go ahead,” Levi nods.

“So I just wanted all of you to know - but specifically you, Levi - that I want you to tell me if I mess up regarding boundaries and respect with you.”

Levi studies her quietly.  She can’t even begin to guess what he’s thinking.

The silence just makes Pearl more nervous, and when she is nervous, she talks.  At length:

“I understand it’s not your job to correct me. I’m responsible for being aware of my own actions.  But in the event that something slips through that awareness, I want you to know you can bring it to my attention.  So we can talk about it.”

“Okay.  Can we pause?” Dominique asks.  “Let Levi have a minute?”

Pearl nods.

Dominique turns to Levi.  “You can take your time,” she encourages gently.

Levi takes Dominique at her word about this.  He doesn’t move.  Doesn’t speak.  He barely breathes.  Doesn’t take his eyes off her.  Swallows.

“How?” he finally asks, when Pearl is convinced he’s never going to answer.

“How what?” she asks, immediately.  She is so ready for questions.

Levi flinches.  

“Hey, Dominique?  Should Pearl maybe go sloth-speed?” Francesca wonders.

“What’s sloth-speed?” Pearl asks, amused.

“Like the sloths on  _Zootopia_.  Super slow,” Francesca explains.  

“Ask Levi,” Dominique prompts.

“Would sloth-speed be better than regular?” Francesca asks, deliberate, but not painfully so.

Very slightly, Levi nods.

“Okay,” Pearl nods.  She makes herself pause.  “You asked how?”

Levi nods again.

“I want to answer you,” Pearl tells Levi patiently.  “But I’m going to need some more words.  Context.”

“How…am I supposed to do that?  Correct you or whatever?  Without…I don’t know…pissing you off?” Levi can hear Francesca put a hand over her own mouth.

“You’re worried I’ll get angry,” Pearl says, matter of fact.

“Well, yeah…” Levi nods.  “Adults…don’t really like being told no.  Or that they did anything wrong.”

“Levi…” Mariana offers.  “You’re an adult, too, practically.”

“I know, but she could be my mom…and that’s just…it’s a tricky energy.” Levi admits.

“So, you could say something like, ‘ _Remember when you mentioned how you wanted to be told if you mess up?_ ” Pearl suggests.  

Levi shakes his head.  “No.  I mean, I could never say that.  I’d be so nervous.”

“He needs…maybe something short?” Mariana checks.

Levi nods.

“…To make sure you’re aware when it’s happening.  Maybe like, one word.” Mariana continues.

“What about just telling her ‘boundaries’ or just saying, ‘respect’ depending on which thing it is?”  Jesus asks.  “That way, Pearl, you can know Levi’s noticing something isn’t working for him and you can check in.”

“Would that work?” Pearl asks Levi.

“I don’t know…  Could I just…interrupt you like that?” Levi asks, concerned.

“Well, usually interruption is something I’m not a fan of…but this isn’t that.  If I’m compromising your boundaries or disrespecting you?  I want to know immediately, so I can change that.  It’s basic needs.  Safety.  And your safety is my top priority.”

“So what would you do if I said ‘boundaries’ or ‘respect’?” Levi wants to know.

“That’s a good question.  Any of you seasoned Avoiders have tips?”

“Maybe back the conversation up?” Jesus suggests.  “You said ‘context’ earlier and that’s big.  Think about what you were just saying.  Think about if you would do the same with the person you respected most in the world.”

“That’s a good idea.  So, maybe I could ask you if the respect or the boundaries had to do with what we were last discussing?”

“Yeah,” Levi nods.  “It would help if I could just say yes or no.  Maybe I’d be less nervous.”

“And then maybe I could keep asking you one question at a time until it’s clear to me how I messed up.  Review it.” Pearl notes to herself.

“And don’t forget saying you’re sorry,” Francesca adds.

“Right.  I can’t forget apologizing.  That’s so important.  Thank you for reminding me, Francesca.” Pearl says.

“No problem,” Francesca says.

“So…I wouldn’t…be in trouble for calling you out?” Levi asks, nervous.

“No.  You wouldn’t be in trouble.  This is exactly why I wanted to talk about this with all the Avoiders.  Because they can support you if you ever need to talk to me about something.  They can remind you that this is something I brought up because I want to work on it.  Because you matter to me.”

“Can I share some real feelings now because it  _is_  Feelings Time?” Francesca asks, with her hand raised like she’s in a classroom.

“Levi?” Jesus checks.  “You good with coming to one of us or Pearl if she’s not respecting you or your boundaries?  Knowing we’ll help you talk to her if you need?”

“Oh.  I guess.  I mean, if it’s really fine I do it…”

“It is,” Pearl nods.

“Okay,” Levi nods.  “Then yeah, Francesca.  Share some feelings.  Thanks for being patient.”

“Yup.  I’m practicing using my patience muscle, too,” she flashes a smile at Dominique, who grins back.

“Getting strong…” Dominique compliments.

“So…my feeling from earlier today was guilty.  Pearl told me the word for it.  Because of accidentally triggering you, Jesus…” Francesca studies the grain of the table.  “I never wanna do that to you, and I feel so bad when I do.  Like a terrible person.”

“Hey.  You’re my buddy,” Jesus tells Francesca warmly.  “You’re not terrible.”

“But your trauma was all scared of me…” Francesca points out.

“That means I need some space,” Jesus tells her softly.

“I know…  I just wanted to say sorry again.  So you could see my face that I mean it.  And also I had another feeling.”  Francesca’s up on her knees, looking at Jesus.

“What’s that?” he asks.

“Proud,” she admits, shy.

“Yeah?” Jesus asks her.

Francesca nods.

“Who are you proud of?” Dominique wonders.

“Of Jesus,” Francesca says.

“Me?  Why?” Jesus asks, surprised.

“Because…um…you did positive coping.  You talked about your feelings.  And also you protected all of us from an unsafe person,” Francesca lists quietly.

Jesus doesn’t seem to know what to say.  “Protecting you guys?  That’s what we all do for each other.  It’s not extra,” he finally points out.

“I know, but I can still be proud of you, can’t I?  It’s kinda my feeling for you,” Francesca presses.  “Even I almost did unpositive coping and I was much more okay than you were, Jesus.”

“But you didn’t,” Pearl encourages.  “You came and found me in the kitchen and you were a big help making hot cocoa for all of The Avoiders.  You brought them blankets.  That was some very positive coping.  So, I’m proud of you, too.”

“It’s because of Jesus,” Francesca glances at him, shy.  “‘Cause you’re like the best example.”

“Thank you, buddy.  I know I try to be.” Jesus admits.

When there’s a lull, Pearl wonders again if anybody is going to speak up.  Eventually, Mariana does.  

“I agree with Pearl.  I’m proud of you, Frankie.  For listening and coping and…you know…everything…”

“Me, too,” Dominique says.  “I know it can be very hard to treat ourselves kindly, especially after it seems like we messed up or hurt someone we love.  But you made a good step today, babe.  So be proud of yourself, too.  I know I am.”

“Okay, I guess,” Francesca nods to herself.

“What about you, Jesus?” Levi asks.  “You can share if you want.”

Pearl watches as Jesus takes his time, breathing deep for a while before he speaks.  “I just wanna say how much I appreciate every single one of you for respecting me and my boundaries today when I was triggered.  I’m still a little raw, and kinda out of it, but it means a lot that I have you guys backing me up.”

“Respect is human stuff, Jesus,” Mariana points out gently.  “You’re human, so you get all the human stuff.”

“Right.  But not always.  So getting it can still feel…like a surprise,  I guess.  I…had a hard memory I remembered around food today,” Jesus keeps going.  “So I know it usually goes that I might need one of you guys to stay by me and tell me I can eat, and maybe give me food?  To make sure I know I can have it?  But right now, that’s opposite.  I need to have space around food.  Not too much attention on me.  And for you guys to let me know no one will force me to eat.”

“We don’t force, Jesus, that’s against boundaries,” Francesca points out.

“You’re right.  It is.  But my trauma thinks it’s normal right now?  So I need you guys to tell me that it’s a thing.  That you won’t force me.  And just kinda give me space at meals.  Let me do whatever I need to.  And do what you did at dinner tonight.  Where no one laughed at me or made a big deal when I needed to check on things more…”

“We won’t tease you.  Right guys?” Francesca asks.  “And we also won’t force you to eat anything.  You can eat by yourself.”

“Thanks, Francesca.  I might need a little bit of space still, and for you guys to not ask me to do anything until I feel all the way here again.  But I do feel more human.  So, this is helping.  Everything you guys are doing is helping.”

“You guys, I have a really serious question,” Francesca asks after a pause.

“What is it?” Dominique asks.

“I know it’s silly but can we please all watch  _Moana_  together tomorrow?  It’s our last chance of being together and I really want us all to watch if we can.  Nobody has to if they don’t want to.  But if we all want to, then can we?”

“I still want to,” Levi volunteers.

“You watched it already and you want to watch it again?” Francesca laughs.

“There’s no limit to how many times I can watch it,” Levi tells her with a smile.

“Pearl, will you sleep over again or do you have to sleep at your cabin?” Francesca asks.

“I was…hoping it would be okay if I stayed again?” she asks.

“And me?” Levi adds.  “Now that there’s no danger of Peanut Butter Cookie, I know I technically don’t have to stay…but…”

“If you want to, we’d love to have you,” Mariana invites, after double-checking for Jesus and Dominique’s nod.

“But can we actually sleep this time?” Francesca asks.  “I’m only eleven, guys and I need my sleep.  My regular bedtime is way earlier than this.”

“She has a point,” Mariana nods.

“Yeah, we should all work on getting some sleep tonight,” Jesus nods.  “Let’s go build our fort, buddy.”

“Okay, buddy.  Then, I can be your assistant for checking the locks if you want,” she offers.

“Sounds good.”

Mariana, Dominique, Pearl and Levi all do their best to quickly and thoroughly clean up the S’mores and wipe the table.

“You wanna sleep in the bedroom again?” Mariana asks.

“Could I?  I don’t want to impose.” Pearl ventures.

“No imposition,” Dominique says.  “I can sleep up in the loft again if Levi doesn’t mind.”

“Nope, Levi doesn’t mind,” he smiles.  “Oh.  I mean, I shouldn’t assume, probably, but is it cool if I just take the same bedroom as before?”

–

“Dude, that’s your bedroom,” Jesus calls from the living room.  “You guys all basically live here now.  So sleeping arrangements can be whatever feels safe for everybody.”

“I miss my bed…” Francesca sighs.

“Sorry, buddy.  If you want, I can go with you upstairs.  You can sleep in the spare one?” Jesus offers.

“No, I mean my bed at home.  Like, I don’t miss being at home.  Or Moms.  Okay, that sounded mean.  But I just meant I miss my bed.  Not that I hate our fort.”

“Okay,” Jesus nods.  Once they’re done hanging all the blankets, Francesca walks the cabin with Jesus.  Stef used to do this with Jesus, once upon a time.  Frankie instinctively steps back and lets Jesus turn the locks and check them each once.  She’s there when he asks if they should go back and double check the front door is locked.

“You did lock it,” Francesca tells him.  “Don’t worry.  Peanut Butter Cookie can’t get in.”

“Thank goodness.” he says.  “Good night, guys.  I’m gonna try and get some rest.”

There’s a chorus of good nights, as Jesus climbs into the fort with Francesca and Dudley.

“I can sleep somewhere else if you still need space from me…” Francesca whispers.

“No way.  I want you right here in our fort, if that’s where you wanna be,” Jesus tells her quietly.

“I always wanna be with you,” Francesca tells him.  Then, she turns over, and goes right to sleep.


	51. Chapter 51

“Just my luck that I have all my stamina back by the time Jesus is exhausted…” Mariana comments.

She, Dominique, Levi and Pearl are all gathered in the loft upstairs.  They promised to try to keep it down for Jesus and Frankie.  And Pearl advised that they might want to break out their headphones again, in the event of terrible nightmares.

Pearl was up a lot last night, but she wasn’t loud.  She said it was because she realized she was with Mariana and felt safe.  Mariana’s glad to help however she can.  She hates thinking that they’re only here for one more day.  It seems like they finally are getting things figured out.  They know what each other needs, how to be around each other, and, most importantly?  Peanut Butter Cookie’s been exiled thanks to Jesus.

“So, I’ve never stayed awake long enough for loft time.  What happens now?” Mariana wonders.

“Well, ideally, we should be talking about calming stuff, but that’s not always what happens.” Pearl points out.  “Oh, have you guys gotten to use Mariana’s Sleep lotion?  It’s magic in a bottle, I swear.  So soothing.  I had, like, an eighth of my usual nightmares with it on.”

“Really?” Levi looks intrigued.  “I’m not really a lotion guy, but that really sounds magical.”

“It takes the edge off…” Dominique allows.  “God, I miss Roberta…”

“Your sister?” Levi guesses.

Mariana laughs.  

“My cat,” Dominique clarifies, sending a smile to Cleo all curled up on Pearl’s lap.

“Well, one more day and you get to see her,” Levi points out.  “That’s good.”

“But I’m gonna be so used to being here with all of you.  It’ll be like, a shock, to go back to it being just me.”

“Jesus is across the hall,” Mariana allows.  “Fran and I are five minutes away.”

“And y’all are  _2,000_  miles away,” Dominique laments, looking at Pearl and Levi.

“Well, look what I started,” Levi invites conspiratorially.  He passes his phone to Pearl.

“Avoiders Group Chat…” she reads.  “On Messenger?”

“Oh, let me see,” Mariana insists.  Pearl passes the phone to Mariana, who shows the screen to Dominique.

“I added all you guys.  And when you have service again, you’ll see.  Plus, I’ll add Francesca once she gets the all clear from your parents.” Levi adds.

“Yeah,  _if_  she gets it…” Mariana  remarks softly, not wanting Francesca to overhear, like she has a tendency to do.

“You don’t think Stef and Lena will allow it?” Pearl asks.

“I don’t know how familiar you are with their parents?” Dominique checks.  

“I grew up seeing Stef summers.  She was older and cooler.  I wanted to  _be_  her, when she was a teenager.  I met Lena back in 2015.  Now, I understand, they might resemble  _my_  mother more than cool teenagers, based on what Francesca’s shared with me.”

“Yeah.  Like, beyond strict,” Dominique bristles.

“I’ll see what I can do to convince them,” Mariana promises.  “Because Francesca’s right.  It’s not Avoiders anything if she’s not a part of it, too.”

“I love how close you all are,” Pearl compliments.

“Well, we kinda  _have_  to be…” Mariana insists.  “When you can’t trust your parents to have your back, the siblings have to take over.  Callie, Jude and Brandon all have their own lives.  But I hope that Jesus, Frankie and I can always stay close.”

“And what about your triplet?” Dominique elbows Mariana playfully.

“Well, yeah, obviously, my triplet, too.” Mariana smiles.

“Wait.  Are you guys…  Like is she really your sister?” Levi asks, shocked.

“Yes,” Mariana answers with a straight face.  She has the joy of seeing Levi’s face light up at this information.

“How did I not know this?” he asks, fascinated.

“Because, we’re triplets kinda in the way you and your sis are twins.  Same birthday, right?  So I hear?” Dominique asks.  “Usually that makes siblings twins, but you’re not, actually, are you?”

“We adopted you in our hearts.  That makes you family,” Mariana insists.  

“You feel like my brother and sisters,” Dominique concedes, leaning into Mariana.

“So…can we get adopted in?” Levi asks.  “I’m not 18 yet…”

“–And I am  _way_  over 18,” Pearl interjects.  “Sorry, Levi.  Didn’t mean to cut you off.”

“Thanks.  I was just gonna say…that without my dad, I haven’t really felt like I belonged anywhere.  Not til this week.  You guys helped me know I had a place with Pearl…and all of you,” Levi offers.

Mariana scoots closer to Levi.  “Here.  Can I take your hands?” she asks.

Confused, smiling a little, Levi offers them.

“Yes?” Mariana double checks.  (Because a smile doesn’t equal consent.)

“Yes,” Levi nods.

Mariana takes his hands gently and closes her eyes briefly.  Opens them.  “There.”

“What?  What just happened?” Levi asks, looking to Dominique for clues but she shrugs.

“Dude, I have no idea what she’s doing right now.  Some Mariana thing…” Dominique insists. But it’s said with affection.  With love.

“Stop,” Mariana laughs.  “Levi wanted to be adopted in.  So…” she shrugs.  “Pearl?” Mariana asks, offering her hands.

Pearl says a clear, happy yes, and eagerly accepts Mariana’s hands.  When Mariana closes her eyes, so does Pearl, murmuring, “I’m adopting you in, too.”

“Dominique?  Can I be adopted in?” Levi asks.

“Yeah, you’re in.  I’m not holding your hands.  But you’re stuck with me as long as it feels cool.”

Levi beams.  Mariana’s pretty sure she has never seen him quite this happy.

“You guys,” Pearl manages, wiping her eyes.  “This is the nicest thing that’s happened to me on this night in…22 years…”

“Aw,” Levi leans in, arms open.  Pearl accepts his hug.  It lasts a long time, but it’s not weird.  

Mariana guesses they have a lot of hugging to catch up on.  Seventeen years worth.  It makes the four and a half she spent without Jesus feel small.  But maybe not.  Because it’s one thing if you don’t know your brother’s missing from your life.  It’s entirely another, to know exactly who is missing.  To spend years privately nursing a guilt that maybe - just maybe - his disappearance is all your fault.  To spend those years feeling ridiculously vulnerable, because you’re brother always protected you, was always constant, but one day, he just wasn’t.

“Hey…” Mariana hears Dominique’s voice.  “You can have a hug, too, you know?”

She nods and accepts Dominique’s hug.  Really does need it.  “Sorry,” she apologizes, pulling back and trying to get herself together.  “Seeing you guys, just…reminded me of when Jesus wasn’t here.”

“Yeah?” Pearl offers, sympathetic.  She reaches behind her for a box of tissues.  Sets them in the middle of the floor, inside the space made by Mari and Dom on one side and Pearl and Levi on the other.  

“Sometimes…I just…I don’t know…” she manages.

Dominique’s still holding on to her.  It helps.

There are so many feelings inside.  So many memories.  But the words for them vanish with stress.  With exhaustion.  With little provocation at all.  So a lot of times, her memories of Jesus being gone are something she has to deal with by herself.  

When he came back, there were no more trips to Dr. Ramirez, Mariana’s own therapist.  Everyone had just migrated to Dr. Hitchens, who was so fantastic at her job.  But her job was to advocate for Jesus and whatever he needed.  Not to help Mariana really sort herself out.  It had taken until just before Christmas when they were 16 for Mariana to even share with Jesus that she felt to blame for disappearance lasting as long as it had.

And when they were 21, everything changed again with a car accident Mariana can’t remember, and that Mariana feels profoundly changed who she is.  It’s something Mariana feels deeply.  Knows unmistakably.  But it’s also evident in how Moms treat her now.  And how different it is from how they treated her before.

She guesses she should be glad she told Jesus the truth a few years back about lying to police about the last time she’d seen Jesus when he went missing.  If they had known she had seen him just before he left school that day at 11 AM, maybe they would have been able to find him faster.  But she lied and said the last time she saw him was when they got to school.

“Anyway, sorry…” Mariana sniffs, pulling away.

Pearl offers a tissue from the box but Mariana shakes her head.  “I’m okay.”

“You don’t have to be,” Pearl offers.  “You can talk about it if you want…”

“I can’t…” Mariana admits.

“We won’t make a big deal.  Feelings are good,” Pearl encourages.  

Mariana looks to Dominique, raising her eyebrows, for help.

“She doesn’t mean figuratively, she means literally.  When she says she can’t talk about something, she means the words aren’t there.” Dominique explains.

“We’re sorry you’re remembering that…” Levi offers.  “It must be really hard.  I mean…” he trails off.

Mariana nods.

“Sorry if this was supposed to be light or fun or whatever…” Mariana apologizes again.

“Nope,” Levi shakes his head.  “It’s literally never light or fun.  Usually, it ends up way heavier than this…” he points out.

Somehow, it makes Mariana laugh.  Makes her feel like this is okay.

“Speaking of Jesus…” Dominique brings up softly.  “I hope all of us grown ups can hang for loft time tomorrow night.  That’d be cool.  If we can keep it pretty low stress tomorrow.  It might be good to be able to touch base with everybody after we do with Fran during Feelings Time.”

“She’ll feel left out,” Levi realizes.

“Maybe…” Dominique concedes.  “But she understands there are some things grown ups talk about with each other that we don’t talk about with kids.  She’s counting down seven years til she’s old enough to be in on all the talks.”

“So, does that mean I can’t be in on it?” Levi asks, totally serious.

They look at him.  

“Why wouldn’t you be in on it?” Pearl asks.

“I’m not a grown up yet.  If the age limit’s a thing for Francesca, shouldn’t it be for me, too?” Levi asks.  Mariana’s moved by his genuineness.

“You are two months away from turning 18,” Pearl points out.  “That’s close enough.  You can join.” Pearl consents.

Mariana smiles.  “Yeah, I think it’d be good, to get to talk.  All of us grown ups.  And almost-grown-ups,” she amends, looking at Levi.  She hopes Jesus will have been able to rest and sleep off his terrible trigger by then, so he can be with them.

Sometimes now, even if Mariana knows exactly where Jesus is, but he’s not with her, she feels it.  His absence.  Like a hole.  Like she told Dr. Ramirez years ago as a 12 year old.  Like she and Jesus made a whole person, and without him, Mariana still always only feels like half.

“Are you guys okay?” Mariana looks at Dominique, Pearl and Levi in turn.

“Well, it’s been a big day…” Pearl admits, stretching.  “But I think I am okay.  I appreciate you all allowing me to stay the weekend here.  It’s helped.  More than I expected it to.”

“Same,” Levi echoes.

And Mariana smiles.  “You’re saying the same stuff.  It’s happening.  Yay.”

“What?” Levi asks.

“That twin thing.  Jesus told me.  When y’all become twins or triplets…” Dominique clarifies.

“… _Or_  quintuplets…” Pearl offers, like it’s totally reasonable.  And totally a thing.

“Oh my God…” Dominique laughs.  “He  _said_  that when that happens, y’all start saying the same things.  Eventually it’s gonna happen at the same time.”

Levi laughs.

“You laugh now, but just wait.  Y’all share a birthday.  It’s inevitable,” Dominique teases gently.

“ _Please_ tell me you’re gonna do a twin birthday…” Mariana begs.

“I don’t know…” Pearl ventures.  “Levi’s mom might want him to celebrate with her.”

“And what?” Levi asks, like he’s insulted.  “Leave you in the cabin to celebrate by yourself?  No.  That’s sad.”

“I got cards from friends,” Pearl defends.

“I know, but when’s the last time you got to celebrate with someone?” Levi presses.  “Because Dominique’s right.  We have a twin birthday.”

“I wouldn’t want to impose…” Pearl objects weakly.

“Will you stop?” Levi asks, like her words are hurting him.  “You’re my sister.  Not an imposition.”

“Fine, I’m sorry.” Pearl apologizes.

“So…we should plan something…” Levi encourages.

“Trip to California?” Mariana offers, looking at Dominique.  They both turn to the Wests with big smiles on their faces.  Both nodding.

“Not a big traveler…” Pearl admits.  “Besides, where would we go?”

“I have a two bedroom,” Dominique offers.  “So, Pearl could hang out there.”

“And Jesus doesn’t use his bedroom,” Mariana offers.  “So, Levi, you’re set.”

“You guys, the invitation’s really sweet.  But we’ll have to see…” Pearl insists.

“We respect that.  But if you ever did wanna go, I’d go with you,” Levi nods.

“And you’d be welcome,” Mariana nods.

“Definitely.  Anytime,” Dominique reaffirms.  “But give us a heads up first.  Because trauma.”

Pearl cracks up.  “Of course.  Of course we would…” she manages.


	52. Chapter 52

Pearl wakes up Sunday morning, to her phone ringing.  Blinking, she squints at the time.  Somehow it’s after 10 AM.  But given that it’s still the weekend it is, Pearl isn’t surprised.

She hurries into the bathroom to take the call and turns on the fan so she won’t disturb Mariana.  

“Hello?” she greets.  (It’s Grandma.  They used to talk every morning.  Over the last few years, it’s tapered off, as her contact with Mom (Grandma’s daughter) has decreased.

Even though Pearl knows for a fact she has not given her new number to her grandmother, curiosity and worry win out.  If her grandma’s in poor health or something is going on with her, Pearl wants to know.  She wants to be able to maintain what familial relationships she can.

Now, Pearl’s become pretty expert at talking exhaustively about the weather and what she is making for dinner, as if those things are newsworthy.  

“Good morning!  Did I wake you?”

“No,” Pearl lies.  “What’s new?”  (Seriously.  How did she get this number?)

Pearl listens for several minutes as Grandma gives updates on relatives.  Someone in the hospital.  Someone having surgery.  How many hummingbird feeders Mom has in her yard.

Then:

“Now, I’m going to tell you something you’re not going to like…” Grandma leads off, and Pearl’s stomach sinks.

“This business of sending that friend of yours to tell off your mother?  Him threatening her like he did?  You refusing to even speak to her?  Changing your phone number?  That’s typical West behavior…”

Pearl holds the phone away from her ear.  Maybe from a distance, what Grandma’s saying won’t sound quite so awful.

“Your dad just up and leaving your mom?  Hardly speaking to her for no reason at all?  That’s who you’re acting like.”  

“How’d you get my number, Grandma?” Pearl asks, measured.

“Don’t change the subject.  You are just like your father.  So there.” Grandma insists.

“I’ll take that as the compliment I know it is,” Pearl says softly.

Grandma’s stunned speechless for a minute.  Then:

“She’s my daughter, Pearl.  She’s a very nice person.  And now look at what’s happened.”

“What’s that?” Pearl asks flatly.

“Well, your dad’s gone.  He let whatever went on between him and your mother cost him a relationship with you.  Now, he’s gone, and you’ll never know him.  What you’re doing to your mother?  It’s very ugly. She is just devastated.  You’re not just hurting your mother, you’re hurting everyone.  Come back to reality, my dear.  …Are you still there?”

“I’m here,” Pearl offers stiffly.

“I thought you’d hung up,” Grandma laughs a little.

“Nope.  Just letting you say your piece.  If you’ve got to say it, then…”

“I do.  I do have to say it.  This not speaking to each other business hasn’t happened in the family since your father left your mother.  Now, you’re starting it up again.  It’s disgusting.” Grandma huffs.

“Okay,” Pearl responds, as if Grandma’s still discussing birds.

She knows a guilt trip when she hears one.  Her Grandma appears to be a master of them.

They talk a bit more - Pearl sharing almost nothing about herself and her life - but that’s fine with her.  Then, they hang up.

Pearl can feel a fist of anxiety in her stomach.  Tight and heavy.

She has no idea what to do.  Cleo probably really has to go out, but Pearl’s so not in the place to face the woods in April right now.

Instead, she buys time.  Showers.  Takes her time.  Tries to breathe.  Tries to get herself together.  Eventually, she’s out.  By now, Mariana’s up, and the bed’s empty.  Pearl clips Cleo’s leash on and takes a deep breath before she opens the door, getting ready to face the Avoiders.

She doesn’t know how - or if - she’ll broach this with them.  Levi, especially, doesn’t need to hear about the fallout from standing up to her mom.  Jesus, at last check, was still fragile from a day of being triggered himself.  Francesca’s a child.  Mariana seemed like she was dealing with a lot last night, breaking into tears at the mere sight of Pearl and Levi hugging.

That leaves Dominique.  The more Pearl thinks about it, the more justifiable the option seems.  No, they had not gotten along at first.  They’d butted heads, when deep in their own trauma.  But Pearl has come to see Dominique in the way the other Avoiders do.  She’s a truth-teller.  Doesn’t believe in lying, even, in the interest of sparing someone’s feelings.

“Hey, Dominique?” she calls, seeing her stretched out on the couch with Francesca.  “Wanna walk Cleo with me?  Jesus, we can take Dudley, too, if you want.”

“Dudley went out,” Jesus tells her, from the kitchen, where he’s casing their existing food.  Maybe deciding if it can last them through tomorrow morning.  Mariana’s subtlely keeping an eye on him from the table.  “Thanks, though.”

“Yeah, I’ll come,” Dominique agrees.

“Morning,” Pearl greets Levi, who’s at the sink, washing dishes.  She gives him a squeeze.  He smiles, surprised and almost relieved.

“Morning,” he echoes.

–

Dominique has to wonder what’s up with her being asked to walk Cleo with Pearl this morning.  She must have something on her mind.  And Dominique’s kinda honored that Pearl’s decided to trust her with it.

They walk in silence for a while.  Cleo does her thing immediately and then happily walks along, snorting as she smells everything.

“My grandmother just called me,” Pearl admits.

Dominique just listens, even though she’s wondering a million things.  Does Pearl have a relationship with her grandmother like Dominique had with her Gran?  Is it tight?  Should Dominique be ready for the onslaught of jealousy at the closeness?  But Pearl keeps talking:

“My mother’s mother.  She made small-talk until she decided it was time to let me in on the real reason for her call…”

“Which was?” Dominique checks.

“Which  _was_  that she heard about how Jesus threatened my mom with an expose on Dateline…  She heard that he sent her away and told her not to even try to speak to me or Levi again.  Ranted about how I changed my number, but gave no indication about how she got my number…”

“Your grandmother has  _ways_ …” Dominique mutters, disapproving.

“Oh, she has so many ways…” Pearl laughs mirthlessly.  “So, yes, I’m hurting my mother and ruining the family.  I’m acting just like my father…”

“Oh, no she did not go there…” Dominique exclaims.

“Yes, she did.  I said I took it as the compliment I knew it was,” Pearl passes along.

Dominique’s eyes widen.  “Okay, I love that.”

“But what I’m doing is still ugly and disgusting…according to her…” Pearl finishes grimly.

“Well, of course it is.  She’d prefer her daughter be allowed to abuse in peace…” Dominique remarks bitterly.

“Oh, she’s  _so nice_ , though…” Pearl mutters sarcastically.  

“ _So-nice_  people?  Don’t rape 8-year-olds,” Dominique tells Pearl firmly.

“Seriously,” Pearl nods.  “I can’t tell him this.  Or…do you think I should?  I’m so used to trying to protect him.  I don’t even stop to think about what he needs to know.  What he deserves to know.”

“That’s your call.  But something to keep in mind?  You’re little brother?  He’s not weak.  He’s very strong.  Carrying something as long as he had to carry that?  Makes you strong.  So tell him or don’t.  But don’t spare him because you think you’re gonna break him.”

Pearl lets out a breath.

“In my experience, honesty’s good in families.  Healthy.  Because even if we don’t like what each other said, we know we got respect as a foundation.” Dominique clarifies.

“So if I don’t tell him, he might interpret that as a lack of respect?” Pearl asks, concerned.  “And I know I’ve been working on making sure I’m respecting him at all times and allowing him boundaries.”

“ _Respecting_  his boundaries,” Dominique corrects.  “He’s got them already, Pearl.  They don’t just exist because people allow them to.  They’re always there.  But it’s are they being respected actively, or not?”

“Point taken,” Pearl nods.  “Can I just say?  You must have very good parents…”

“I do,” Dominique smiles a little.  “I have the best parents.  Thank you.”

“Not to say that you’re awesomeness isn’t just as much a credit to you, but I am seriously stunted with regard to all of this respect business.  Because I grew up with a woman who believed everyone else in the world was entitled to boundaries and respect…except her child…and the child of her ex-husband.  Like it or not, that shows.”

“It also shows that you’re trying to do better,” Dominique points out.

“Do you think Levi will be hurt that I spoke to you first, instead of him?” Pearl checks.

“I can’t speak for him.  But I do know that, as Avoiders, we recognize the need to process things with different people in the group at different times.  There are times when I know I should probably talk to an adult when I talk to Francesca.  Times when I know I should’ve talked to Jesus, but I talk to Mariana, because I’m more at ease with women…”

“Right.  I get that,” Pearl nods.  “Thank you for coming out here with me.  The woods.  And this day.  Well?  It’s not a very Pearl-friendly combination.”

“No problem,” Dominique nods.  “I’m glad we came around to each other.  I see in you what Jesus did when he spoke about you.”

“Finally,” Pearl cringes, apologetically.  “I’m sorry it was a little muted at first.  I have loud trauma.”

“A little muted,” Dominique smiles.  “But not anymore.”

“Hey, I know we don’t know each other well yet, but if you need another woman to talk to…about anything…you can always call me,” Pearl offers.

Dominique nods.  “Okay.  I’ll remember that.  I just…don’t really share.  Takes me, like, years to open up.  Jesus and Mariana still know very little about what happened to me.”

“That’s up to you to share or not,” Pearl insists gently.  “I know I can be pushy, but I won’t push about that, I promise.  It’s always an option - to talk about it if you want - but I won’t bring it up myself.”

“Do you need to talk?  About the woods not being Pearl-friendly?  I know it’s still your traumaversary and all…” Dominique points out softly.

“It is, but I’d rather not talk about it, if that’s okay,” Pearl clears her throat.  “This whole thing with my mom has kind of taken over as far as trauma.  I’m horrified I came from a person like that…”

“Being raised by her shaped you.  There’s no denying that,” Dominique says, looking Pearl in the eye.  “But it didn’t  _make_  you.  You  _make_ yourself.  Every choice you make from now on has the power to change you, a little bit by little bit, from the person she raised, to the one you most want to be.”

Pearl wipes her eyes.  “You are…   _How_  old are you?”

“22,” Dominique shares.  “Like Jesus and Mariana.  Triplets, remember?”

“Of course.  Wow.  Well, you three are some wise triplets,” Pearl remarks.

“A lifetime of trauma, plus finding a safe place to be with friends will do that,” Dominique shares.

“You’re like a wise sage,” Pearl smiles.

“I am not,” Dominique laughs at just how absurd that feels to hear.

“Don’t deny your wisdom,” Pearl chides.  “There’s power in that.”

“You’re the oldest, shouldn’t you be the sage?” Dominique checks, eyes sparkling with rare humor.

Pearl elbows her.  “Hey!” she laughs.  “Francesca did tell me I reminded her of a teacher.”

Dominique cocks her head: “Yeah, I can see that.”

“Oh, you cannot,” Pearl scoffs, still laughing.

“No, I really can, though.  She ask if she can call you Mrs. West?” Dominique checks.

“She did, actually.  How did you know?” Pearl wonders, perplexed.

“Just seems like something Francesca would say…” Dominique ventures.  

She’s feeling happy.  She gets that it’s the last day - but maybe it’s because it’s the last day that Dominique feels like she can relax.  Knowing she’s gonna go home tomorrow, back to her apartment.  To Roberta and Lena.  To her life and her job.  To her parents, who love and support her.  And with two new friends in her life, besides.

As the sun breaks through the trees, Dominique squints at it.  And lets it sink in, just how lucky she is.

How unbelievably lucky.


	53. Chapter 53

Levi’s not gonna lie.  He’s definitely curious about what Pearl’s up to this morning.  She’d looked stressed.  But if the hug was anything to go by, hopefully Levi wasn’t the reason.

When Pearl gets back a while later, the very next thing she does is ask Levi if he wants to come talk to her.

“You pick where,” she says.

“Okay…I was pretty sure I wasn’t in trouble…but… _am I_  in trouble?” he checks.

“No.  You’re not,” Pearl says, and she sounds really sure.

“Maybe upstairs?” he suggests.  “The loft?”

They climb the stairs and sit on the floor there, facing each other.  “I wanna stop keeping things from you.  So if you’re up for some West family news - not the great kind - let me know,” Pearl tells him.

“Is it about Carla?’ he checks.

“It is Carla-adjacent, yes,” Pearl nods.  “Still okay hearing it?  You can decide not to,” she reassures.

“Is she really mad?” Levi worries.

“No,” Pearl promises.

“Okay.  Then, I wanna know.  Actually, I’d wanna know if she  _was_  mad, too.  I’d wanna know anything about her.  You know?  Just so I’d  _know_ …and…”  Levi can’t stop talking about how much he  _has_  to know about Carla.  His mind won’t stop running at top speed.

“Hey,” Pearl says gently.  “Should we do the Avoiders thing and try to slow down?”

Levi can hear her trying to pace her own speech.  He knows from experience that it is not easy, especially with an anxious personality.  But even hearing Pearl talk a little slower helps his brain slow down.  He takes a deep breath like he’s gotten used to doing this week.  A slow one.  Blows it out.  Then another.

“The most important thing for you to know?” Pearl begins when he seems calmer.  “Is that we’re safe.  She did not contact me.  But  _her_  mom did.”

“How?  You changed your number, you said, right?” Levi asks, confused.

“Yes, and I’m going to change it again.  Because my grandmother is a nosy person and she has ways of figuring things out.”

“So, what’d she want?” Levi checks.

“Oh, just to guilt trip me about how Carla’s devastated and I’m hurting the family.  She even tried to drag Dad into it…  Said what I was doing was  _typical West behavior_.” Pearl intones, bitter.

“If she means not taking any of Carla’s shit, then she’s right,” Levi nods, proud.  “He didn’t talk about her much, but he did worry about you.  He said all the time, he divorced her because he hoped to be able to legally get you out of that environment.”

Pearl wipes her eyes with a shaking hand.  “What environment?”

“He wouldn’t really say?” Levi admits.  “But, having spent time around her myself?  I can say he wasn’t wrong to worry about you.”

“It always felt normal to me.  The lack of warmth.  I mean, I always had food.  She always made sure I saw the doctor as needed.  I never went to school bruised…but once…”

“What do you mean,  _but once_?” Levi asks, horrified.

“She didn’t like big shows of emotion.  We had a fight my sophomore year of high school and I ended up crying because of all the upheaval.  I said, ‘I hate it here and I wish Dad were alive.’  Screamed it.  She came up behind me and brought the back of her hand back against my face.  Against my eye.  I remember the sting of her acrylic nails.  And a couple days later, it had bruised, but no one ever noticed or said anything.  So,” Pearl shrugs.  “I guess I always figured it wasn’t that bad.”

“No wonder you never mentioned Dad much then…if she gave you a black eye for it…” Levi ventures.

“Anyway, this wasn’t meant to be  _The Pearl Show_ , I’m sorry.” she apologizes.

“ _The Pearl Show_ ’s my favorite,” Levi tells her earnestly.  “Anyway, are you okay from your grandma?”

“I mean, the guilt-tripping’s not really a surprise,” Pearl admits.  “I’ve definitely heard worse.”

“But I’m asking like…how you feel about it,” Levi presses gently.  “Like, do you believe her?”

“I mean, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect me…and apparently Avoiders don’t lie.”

“You’re not destroying your family, Pearl.  She did that a long time ago, all by herself.  You’re making boundaries.  Keeping us safe.  That’s not bad.  That’s what families should do.”  Levi tells her.

“Are  _you_  okay?” Pearl checks in.  “I know it’s been a lot this week.  And I know probably anything even Carla-adjacent could be upsetting.”

“You know what I notice?” Levi ventures.  “I notice that she didn’t come storming over here.  Jesus must’ve really put the fear of God into her…” Levi says thoughtfully.

“Well, there is nothing my mother cares more about than what people think about her, and people having a good impression of her.” Pearl shares.

“Jesus found her Achilles heel,” Levi smiles a little.  “So knowing that, I’m as okay as I could be.  I hope this means she’ll leave us alone.  That in time your grandma will get the message to stop harassing you….but I am really sorry she put all that on you.  And I want you to know…that I wouldn’t be mad if you wanted to talk to your mom again.”

Pearl cocks her head.  “What do you mean?”

“She’s terrible but she is your mom.  If somebody told me I couldn’t talk to mine, I’d be…”

“Devastated?” Pearl asks.  “But, Levi, you didn’t tell me I couldn’t talk to her.  I chose not to.  If it’s a choice between my abusive mother and my little brother, whom she also hurt beyond imagination?  I choose you.  I always choose you.”

“I guess I just feel guilty…” he admits.

“You don’t have to.  I understand it, but you really don’t have to.  I’ve gone through periods of low-contact before with her.  Before you moved in, even.  I think this was an inevitability.” Pearl explains. “Hey, speaking of Nia…  Does she know about any of this?”

“No,” Levi shakes his head.  “She knows I found you.  I’m living with you.  But if I ever told her what Carla did, I think she’d wanna press charges or something, and it’s been 10 years, practically.  I’m not a lawyer, but I’ve heard about statutes of limitation from TV.  Even if charges could be filed?  I’m afraid of your mom,” Levi admits softly.  “I know what she’s capable of when she’s pissed off.  Telling my mom would only hurt her.”

“It’s your choice.  Is that…?  You don’t have to answer this but is that why you left?  Because your relationship with Nia was so strained?”

“I mean, in a word, yes.  She moved back here and all the memories came, too.  She had no idea what happened.  My dad left me there that day because there was a break-in at my Grandma’s.  My mom was there alone.  My dad went to check on her.  It always kinda felt…I don’t know…like I was set up?”

Pearl nods.  “You’ve mentioned before that you felt like maybe your dad knew what happened with the mud and that’s why he left you there…as some sort of punishment.  I just didn’t know you held the same feelings about your mom.” she finishes, apologetic.

“I mean…and then…she is a mom?” Levi ventures.  “And I know it isn’t fair to say this, but like, I kind of side-eye all moms now.  Even mine.”

“I think it makes sense,” Pearl offers gently.  “I’ve told you my thing about teenage boys?”

Levi nods.

“It’s the same thing.  If our trauma was done by a particular type of person, who fits in a certain category?  I think it makes a ton of sense that we’d be disinclined to trust those people going forward.  But…I trusted you.  I let you in.”

“So?” Levi asks, confused.

“So, it might be okay to let your mom in…” Pearl offers.  “I’m not saying tell her anything you’re not ready for her to know.  But if you two have a good relationship, which it seems like you do…then maybe tell her broad strokes.  Tell her being back in Minnesota has been difficult for you.  If part of it’s missing your dad then you can tell her that if you want.  If you miss him, it’s a safe bet she does, too.   _I_  miss him, and I barely got the chance to know him…”

Levi sighs.  “I never thought I’d be able to talk to anybody about this.  Even when I moved in with you, I wasn’t sure I could ever tell you.  I wasn’t sure it was something you’d ever wanna talk about…”

“Talking helps,” Pearl comments quietly.  “Especially with people who understand.”

“Thanks for not judging me for my feelings about my mom…” Levi hedges.

“Trust me, I am in no place to judge anyone ever.  I still feel terrible that I wasn’t there when you needed me.  That I couldn’t  _tell_.  I don’t know.   _Something_.”

“You’re not a psychic, Pearl.  You couldn’t have known,” Levi reassures.  “She did the thing.  Not you.  It’s not your fault.  I feel guilty every day that that asshole hurt you.  I wish I would’ve been born and grown so we could’ve gone home together, and he wouldn’t have been able to get you alone…”

“But you weren’t born, and I could never blame you for not existing yet, because it’s not your job to protect me.” Pearl advises.

“Same,” he tells her, looking her in the eye.

“No, not same,” Pearl insists.  “You were a little soul in heaven or wherever, completely innocent - not even a baby yet - I was 28.  Fully capable of showing up.  Of being there.  Of taking you out of there.”

“Not without the full information,” Levi cautions.  “And Carla lied and lied and lied…  She lied so much no one could tell she wasn’t telling the truth.  Don’t let Grandma Not-West’s awfulness guilt you.  There’s only one place guilt belongs here.”

Pearl nods, blowing out a breath.  “Fine.”

“Fine?  What’s fine?” Levi asks.

“Fine, I believe you.  For now, I can take it in,” she explains.  “But if there is anything I can do to help you will you please let me know?”

“Actually…” Levi speaks up softly.  “Would you stay, if I wanted to call my mom?  Or is that too weird?”

“No.  I’d be happy to,” Pearl insists.

–

“Hey, Mom,”  Levi says.  “Sorry I haven’t been in touch.”

“Levi.  Are you okay?  Honey, I haven’t seen you in so long…”  Levi’s mom comments, obviously sad.

“I am…I just…being up here without Dad is weird,” he admits, looking to Pearl.  She nods her support.

It’s quiet on the other end of the call.  Then, his mom just says, “Yes.”  It sounds so heavy.  Levi had just had to exist in Minnesota without Dad.  Now, Mom had to do it without Dad  _and_  without Levi.

“If you want, I could…come home for dinner sometime…” he offers.  “We could make lasagna together?”

“Son, you know I’d love that.  When can you come?” Mom sounds brighter already.

“Our friends leave tomorrow morning, after that, I’m free.  Hey, um…  Would it be okay if Pearl and Cleo came, too?”

Levi covers the phone.  “Sorry.  Do you want to?  Mom and I make the best lasagna.  We could teach you.”

“See what she says first.  If it’s a yes, I’d love to go.  Support you.  She’s also welcome to come here.  We can get lasagna supplies,” Pearl encourages.

“Mom?” Levi checks.

“Cleo, the pug, right?  That dog is welcome any day of the week.  And so is your sister.” Mom’s tone is warm.  So opposite of what Levi expected, given Carla’s every reaction to him.

“Thanks, Mom.  Pearl says you can also come out here.  We’d take care of the groceries.”

“Whatever’s easier, honey.  I just miss you.” Mom insists.

“I miss you, too.  I’ll call tomorrow sometime and we can set something up,” Levi says.

“I love you, baby,” Mom says.

“Love you, too.” Levi echoes and hangs up.

“Oh, I’m so proud of you,” Pearl all but squeals.  “Can I hug you?”

“You don’t have to ask,” Levi says.

“I do, though,” Pearl says, sobering.  “Your boundaries.  Your choice.”

“I’ll take a hug.  Sure,” he nods, reassured that Pearl is remembering his boundaries.  Is asking.

Pearl embraces him.

“She said she’d come out here if it was easier,” Levi tells Pearl, squished against Pearl’s shoulder.

“I heard.  Cell phone volume,” she says apologetically.  “I wasn’t trying to listen in.”

“So, you heard her call you my sister?” Levi pulls back, checking, a big smile on his face.

“I did.  And I can’t wait to taste this lasagna.  You know, I can be quite the cook myself, with the right recipe…”

“Well, you’re gonna know it now.  You’ll be in the kitchen.  And you’re family,” Levi tells her simply.

“You are too much.  Too much goodness for me.  I don’t deserve you,” Pearl insists.

“You do, though.  You deserve all the goodness.”


	54. Chapter 54

Jesus has been trying to manage his weirdass food trigger for the last 24 hours or so.  It helps that the Avoiders know what he needs from them.  Helps that they believe him and take him at his word.  For a while, Mariana was there in case he needed someone in the kitchen.  Now, it’s Dominique.  If he didn’t know any better, Jesus might think they planned this.  That they went behind his back and talked about him.

But his friends aren’t his parents.  Jesus’s friends get trauma and all the ways it can present.  For them, it doesn’t make Jesus any less of a human being.  Any less capable of helping somebody else - should they need it.

After casing the entire kitchen and finally settling on a bowl of cereal and a piece of toast once Pearl said she could go next door and bring some of their food here just for the time being.  And whatever they didn’t take with them back to California, Pearl and Levi would be glad to take next door.  To make sure it didn’t go to waste.

“So…” he says, regarding Dominique.

“So…” she returns.

“What are you gonna do today?” he finally asks.  He’s used to conversation being somewhat stilted between them.  It’s how their friendship had started out.  And it’s not lost on Jesus that ever since he and Dominique had dealt with Carla, Dominique’s guard had gone back up around him.

No doubt, experiencing a predator’s energy had brought back memories for her, just like it had for Jesus.

Dominique shrugs.  “Oh, but Levi and I said we’d take Francesca down on the dock, just the three of us.”

“Life jacket?” he checks.

“Yeah, life jacket.  Of course,” she nods.

“Then, cool,” Jesus nods back.

“Can I ask…a non-trauma question?” she ventures.

“Sure,” Jesus says, finding his way through a maze on the back of the cereal box with his eyes.

Dudley nudges him.

“Jesus,” Dominique repeats, clear, but patient.

Blinking, he focuses on her.  “Yeah?  Sorry.  What?”  He starts sliding the box of cereal aside, but Dominique shakes her head.

“You can leave it.  Edible boundary,” she nods, approving.  “Just…I wanted to be sure you’re present.”

Jesus isn’t expecting to, but her edible boundary comment makes him laugh.  And that brings him back a little.  He glances at her over the cereal box.

“What were you saying?” he asks after a pause to breathe and attempt to focus on what’s actually going on.

“Wanted to know if I could ask you something?” Dominique repeats.  “Not trauma related.”

“Yeah.  Yes.  I dig questions…as long as it’s not a question..that’s not really a question.  Or like…a thing where I’m expected to…to…”

It’s like Jesus’s brain, his speech, his everything grinds to a halt at the thought of a question that was really an expectation.  A question that would capitalize on his inability to say no.

“Jesus?  I won’t ask you to do anything.  Boundaries are still a thing,” Dominique reassures.  “I remember yours.  I respect yours.”

“What about a trick question?” Jesus asks, quiet.  Wary.

“It’s not a trick question.  Friends don’t lie.  It’s not Before, so we don’t have to do that.”

“What’s it about?” he asks.

“Your drawing,” Dominique says simply.

Her answer surprises him.  Maybe because his drawing hadn’t been a thing when he was There at all.  Jesus had rarely put pencil to paper outside of what was expected at school.  Hadn’t even known he really could draw until he got back home and started drawing to communicate how he felt, before Jesus felt okay actually talking.

“I’m curious now,” he admits.

“Not afraid?” she checks.

“No.  Not afraid.”

“Does that mean you want to hear the question?” Dominique asks.  Jesus loves that she is so thorough, never missing a single step.  Never rushing ahead.

“Yes.” Jesus says.

“Have you drawn anything lately?” she asks.  “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to…  I just…haven’t really since we did art feelings time and that was kinda dark…”

“Can I ask  _you_  something?” Jesus wonders.

“It’s only fair,” Dominique nods.

It’s like a tripwire is spread out in front of Jesus and Dominique.  Invisible.  Her mentioning the word ‘fair’ now just made it appear in Jesus’s mind.

“I think we need backup.  Can I call Francesca in here for a sec?” Jesus asks.  

(When Dominique’s triggered, which it seems like she is, Francesca is the safest person for her to be around.  Pearl’s an adult.  Levi’s a guy, which might be part of the problem right now.  And Mariana’s a solid option, just not as solid as Francesca, who’s an actual child, and as nonthreatening as people can get.)

Carefully, Dominique nods.

“Hey Francesca?  Can you come out here for a second?”

“Hey guys!” Frankie greets them.  “Is it almost time to go out on the dock?”

“We’ll go.  I didn’t forget.” Dominique reassures.

“Oh, good.  So, what are we doing?” Fran wonders.

“Well, we were wondering, if you could tell us specific stuff about something.  I’m a little scared right now,” Jesus admits.

“Me, too,” Dominique mouths, raising her hand a bit.

“Okay.  About what?” Francesca asks, pulling up a chair and sitting down at the end of the table, like she’s here to mediate.

Jesus stays quiet, to see if Dominique will feel comfortable speaking up.  He pets Dudley to pass the time and to stay present.  Better to do that than to look at the cereal box maze.

“So, I asked Jesus something…” Dominique eventually shares, quiet.  “Do I have to consent to him asking me something back?  To make it fair?”  Pause.  “I mean, I know the answer usually, it’s just…trauma…”

“I’m gonna draw you guys a picture, okay?  Is that okay?  A safe picture to explain everything.”

“A safe picture is okay,” Dominique nods.

“Yeah.  A safe picture sounds good.” Jesus agrees.

Francesca goes to find paper for a while and Jesus does his best to stay present.  Next, Francesca needs to find the colored pencils and can finally start on her picture.  When it’s done, she explains it.  It’s more a chart than a picture.  Jesus listens as she explains, showing Dominique first and talking to her about it quietly.

Jesus can’t hear the explanation, but he does hear when Frankie asks at the end, “Does that make sense, Dominique?”

Dominique responds: “It makes things a lot clearer, yeah.  Thank you.”

“Okay, I’m gonna show Jesus now.  Francesca walks her drawing over to Jesus:

“See?  Consent doesn’t equal ‘have to’.” Francesca explains showing him the line that says  _Consent =_  with a line through it, like a No Smoking sign and then  _have to_.

Below that, Fran’s written:

_Consent = does it feel safe._

_Consent = do I want to._

_Consent = choice._

_Consent = human stuff._

_If it does not feel safe to say no.  If it does not feel safe to say you don’t want to.  If it does not feel like you have a choice.  If you feel like an alien not a human, call me for backup._

_Francesca Adams Foster_

_(619) 568-2281_

“Consent is asking ‘does this feel safe to me?  Do I want to do the thing?’”

Jesus listens to her, all the while studying the way all the words are written in purple colored pencil.  How there are splashes of yellow at every equals sign.  A brown sloth hangs from a branch in the top right corner. Francesca’s been obsessed with those since she was six, and first saw the movie  _Zootopia_.  Her name is signed at the bottom in green, along with her phone number.

Francesca pauses.  “Consent is choice, not have to.  Consent is human stuff.”  She stops again.  Then keeps going reading off her own words about how if he ever feels like an alien he should call her for backup.

“Does that make sense, Jesus?” she asks.

“It does.  That’s very clear.  Thanks.  Hey, can Dominique and I keep this at the table with us?  Like a reminder?”

“Sure.  And I can stay right here if you guys want.  That way, I’ll be ready right away to go out on the dock,” she tells Dominique.

“So, according to this safe picture from Frankie…” Jesus points out.  “Consent is a choice.  We get to choose to say yes or no to something because we’re humans.  So do you feel human right now?” Jesus asks, feeling much more present and like a person.  He hopes Dominique does, too.

“Right,” Dominique breathes.  “So, I don’t have to agree to answer your question in order to make it fair?” she asks.

“You don’t even have to agree to hear my question, if it doesn’t feel safe for me to ask you.” Jesus reassures.

“What if it’s…like…if I have a question about the question?” Dominique checks.

“I wanna hear it.  So I can answer it for you, and you can have whatever info you need.” Jesus insists, gently.

“Is it…because I did something wrong?  Or you’re mad about something?” she checks.

“No.  You didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not mad.  Your question about my drawing just made me think of a question for you, that’s all.  A kind of similar question.”

“Oh.  That’s fine then,” Dominique nods.

“Fine like fake fine, or fine like safe and you consent?” Frankie checks.

“Fine like safe and I consent,” Dominique smiles a little.

“I was just gonna ask if you’d been able to take any pics while we’ve been here.  The nature’s kinda awesome.”

“I actually have.  Wanna see them?  I can take my phone out and hand it to you,” she offers.

“That’d be cool,” Jesus nods.

While Dominique roots in her pocket, Francesca leans over and whispers to Jesus:   
“I know the code to her phone…” giggling.

“No, you don’t,” Dominique sing-songs.  “I changed it.”  She smiles smugly and hands her phone across the table to Jesus.

“Oh, no…” Francesca slaps her forehead, amused and a little let down that she doesn’t have any secret info anymore.

Jesus clicks through her pics.  

“Hey,” Mariana greets, pulling out a chair at the other end of the table.  “What’s up?”

“Pearl and Levi are talking,” Francesca nods.  “And I helped Jesus and Dominique with this really good safe picture, see?”  Francesca gets up and walks down to where Mariana’s sitting.  Picture in hand.  

While Jesus is clicking, he’s also listening.  Just like he assumes Dominique is.  Because when things get confusing like this?  It’s hard to hold something in your head for too long, before it starts to feel like a lie.  Because the pull of Before can get super intense.

So Francesca repeating her consent sign to everyone is helping.

“I see Jesus and Dominique’s favorite colors,” Mariana points out.

“And mine.  I’m the green!” Francesca insists.  “And see Slothy in this corner?”

“I do.  He’s just hanging out?  Here on your consent picture?” Mariana asks.

“Yup.  Because he knows it’s a safe picture so it’s okay to be slow.” Francesca explains.

“Aw,” Mariana grins.  “Francesca, you’re a really good artist.”

“Not as good as Jesus…” Francesca points out.

“Hey, babe?  When someone compliments you by pointing out your talents?  It’s okay to say thank you.” Dominique says.

“But I don’t feel like it’s my talent,” Francesca points out.  “So it feels kinda fake.  Like the way everybody thinks it’s amazing I can open a door.  Or talk.”

“Do you trust me?” Mariana asks.

“Yes,” Francesca nods.  No hesitation.  It makes Jesus so damn proud to see his sisters able to trust and be there for each other.

“So, part of that, is knowing…that I wouldn’t give you fake praise.  Only real praise.”

Francesca’s quiet, working through what she’s just learned.  “So…you really mean I’m a good artist?  For real?  Not just for a kid with CP?”

“For real,” Mariana nods.

“Oh.  Okay.  Thanks, then,” Francesca smiles.

“You’re welcome.” Mariana nods, motioning her close.  She whispers to Francesca and Frankie nods her head yes.  

Jesus watches out of the corner of his eye when Mariana gives Frankie’s head a kiss.


	55. Chapter 55

When it’s finally time to go out on the dock with Dominique and Levi, Francesca feels super ready.  More ready than anything.  So ready that she’s waiting outside and starting for the dock before Dominique and Levi even get outside.  It’ll be better if they don’t have to wait for her.  That way, they’ll all have more time on the dock together.

–

Dominique had asked for five minutes to get herself together after talking to Jesus at the table.  Levi’s pulling shoes on, when Dominique glances outside, and sees Francesca high-tailing it toward the dock, at full speed.  Even though Fran’s full speed isn’t typical full speed, she’s getting closer and closer to the dock, and seems like she might have too much momentum going to slow herself down.

“Levi,” Dominique manages, nodding at the window, eyes wide.

He looks up, sees what’s happening, and leaves his shoes, taking off out of the cabin.  Dominique watches as he takes off across the grass.

–

Levi doesn’t think twice.  Doesn’t hesitate.  He just runs as hard as he can, to close the distance between himself and Frankie.  With the gap coming up between land and the dock, coupled with the speed she’s going, she’s set up for a spectacular crash onto her face on the dock, or panicking and veering and landing in the lake.

“Francesca!  Stop!” Levi calls.

He watches as she just keeps going, one goal on her mind.

Levi’s gonna have to catch her.  Luckily, his legs are longer, and he’s got a lack of tension on his side, which means he can move faster.  Just as Francesca approaches the dock, Levi snags her by the back of the life jacket and pulls her back against his body.  

Her body jerks, surprised.

And Levi’s not ready, when she starts fighting him in earnest, lunging away from him.

“Francesca.  It’s Levi.  It’s Levi,” he repeats until it seems to sink in and she turns to get a look at him.

“You jerk!” she accuses.  “I hate you!  I thought you were a bad guy!”  Tears spring to her eyes.

Levi’s speechless, as Dominique crosses the distance to them.  He doesn’t know what she’s told Jesus, Mariana or Pearl to convince them to not come running, too, but they don’t.

“He’s such a jerk!” Francesca fumes to Dominique.  “He pulled me down!”

“I sent him to go get you,” Dominique explains.  “‘Cause I’m not a fast runner.”

“Well, neither am I!” Francesca huffs, looking away from them.  “He didn’t have to make me fall!  You’re not supposed to touch people without asking!” she accuses.

“I know that,” Levi answers, hands raised.  “I think there’s an exception to that, though.  Protecting each other from danger.”

“I wasn’t  _in_  danger…” Francesca says witheringly.  “I was just getting there early so you guys wouldn’t have to wait.  I was doing something nice.”  She wipes her eyes.

“Francesca,” Dominique tells her calmly, but in a no-nonsense tone.  “You were in danger, babe.”

“No, I wasn’t!” Francesca screams.

“Okay, deep breath,” Dominique cues.  

Francesca does, glaring and ripping up the grass around her.  But as they take more and more time breathing, she seems to calm down a little more.

“Do you feel ready to listen?” Dominique asks.

Francesca shakes her head.  She turns hurt eyes on Levi.  “You scared me a lot and I can’t calm down.”

“I’m sorry I scared you a lot,” Levi says and means it.  

“I can’t calm down for, like, an hour,” she pouts.  

–

“Can I sit next to you, babe?” Dominique asks.

Francesca nods.

Dominique scoots over.  Asks if she can put an arm around her.  Francesca nods.  And when she goes for a full on hug, Dominique can feel her little heart pounding hard and fast inside her body.  Like she just escaped a major threat.

“Levi didn’t mean to scare you on purpose, okay?” Dominique soothes, holding her.

“I was fine…” Francesca sniffles.  “I wasn’t in any danger until  _he_  came and knocked me down…”

“Babe, I want you to look over here with me,” Dominique explains, patiently.  She knows by now that Francesca will look everywhere until Dominique points specifically to what she means.  From over Francesca’s shoulder, Dominique extends an arm and points a finger at the gap between the land and the dock.  “Feel how the ground goes down here?” Dominique asks, touching it.

Francesca touches it tentatively.  “Yes.”

“And, do you see the space right here between the grass and the dock?  We had to step over that carefully together, remember?” Dominique points out.

Francesca bites her lip.  “I forgot.  I’m sorry.”

“Levi grabbed you and pulled you back from the ground slanting, and from this hole.  We could tell you forgot, babe.” Dominique points out.

“I didn’t want to scare you, Francesca,” Levi adds.  “I just wanted to get to you before you hit that slant.  I didn’t want you falling on your face and getting really hurt.”

“I  _did_  fall,” Francesca points out, less angry now.  

“Yeah, but I was making sure you didn’t hit your face or your head.  So you weren’t hurt bad.” Levi reasons.

“I can’t tell slanting unless I touch it,” Francesca confides.  “It just looks flat.  And I couldn’t see the hole, so I forgot it was there.  I thought it was just flat the whole time and I’d be safe on the dock with my life jacket.  And it’d be like a fun surprise you didn’t have to wait for me.”

“Francesca, I need you to understand something, babe,” Dominique starts out.  “When I asked you to wait for us?  It’s because I  _did_ remember it wasn’t safe for you to go ahead without us.”

Sighing, Francesca manages, “And I didn’t listen,” disappointed in herself.

“Right.” Dominique says softly.

“Can you be more specific next time?” Francesca wonders.

“I can, absolutely, be more specific.  But I need you to do your part, too.  If I ask you to wait for me, I need you to trust me that there’s a reason for that.  If you’re curious, ask me why.  But please don’t run ahead,” Dominique cautions.

“I thought it was safe because I have my life jacket…” Francesca ventures.

“It’s definitely saf _er_ ,” Dominique nods.  “But if you can’t swim?  You need a life jacket plus adults.”

“Life jacket plus adults equals water?” Francesca asks.  “Like my consent drawing, kind of?”

“Yes.  That’s the equation.  Life jacket was one part.  But you were missing the adults.  I also want you to remember…” Dominique starts out a bit slower.  “…accommodations.”

“Safe or possible or both,” Francesca rattles off.

“Right.  They make it safe or possible or both for people like us, with disabilities, or trauma, or both, to do things.  Part of an old accommodations meeting we had with your brother and sister was when you said you needed us to wait for you.  You said you don’t like being left behind.”

“Did I hurt your guys feelings by leaving  _you_  behind?” Francesca asks, ten steps ahead.

“Stay with me on this,” Dominique encourages.  “You shared that, so we know that about you.  And we also respect you.  So we would never want to leave you behind.  We always wanna wait for you.  Go places all of us together.”

“I thought that was just for your birthday,” Francesca says, sounding confused.

“No, Frankie, that’s for life,” Dominique smiles.  “I’m saying, you rushing ahead so we don’t have to wait for you?  That wouldn’t make me happy.”

“Why not?  It makes my moms happy,” Francesca points out.

“It’d make me sad, because it means you’re feeling like you have to try very hard to be like everyone else.  Instead of getting to relax, like everybody else gets to, and just be you.  Like everybody else, just gets to be them,” Dominique explains.

“Would it make you sad if I rushed ahead, Levi?  Would you feel like I was trying to not be me?” Francesca checks.

“Were you?” Levi asks back.

“Kinda, I guess.  Like, trying to make CP smaller.  Less of a big deal.” Francesca realizes.

“Well, that would definitely make me sad.  I like your CP to be its regular size,” Levi says.

“So…I  _can_  go sloth-speed?” Francesca asks, like she can’t quite believe her luck.

“Sloth-speed is perfect,” Dominique nods.

“Can we still go on the dock together or did I ruin that?” Francesca wonders.

“We can still go,” Dominique reassures.  “Nothing’s ruined.  Want to, Levi?”

“Yeah, I mean, I was hoping.” Levi says.  “Do you want Dominique to help you, Francesca?”

“If it doesn’t hurt your feelings?” Francesca hesitates.  

“It doesn’t hurt my feelings,” Levi reassures.

“And also could you wait til she’s sitting to come down?  Everybody on that dock makes it shake extra.” Dominique points out.

“Sure,” Levi smiles.

–

He waits a little ways back, listening to Dominique coach Francesca the whole way.  From pointing out when the ground-slant started to when to take a big step.  Francesca decided early that she wanted Dominique to hold her left hand, so they knew that going in.

It was kinda fascinating, even if Levi did still feel like the biggest jerk for scaring Francesca when he pulled her away from the dock.

Once Levi sees Francesca’s thumbs-up, Levi starts down.  Both Francesca and Dominique are in the Adirondack bench that’s wide enough for two really big adults, or the three of them.

Still, Levi’s ready to sit down  on the end of the dock, when he hears Francesca saying, “You can sit here if you want, Levi,”  and patting the empty space on the other side of her.

“You both cool with that?” he asks.

“I am,” Dominique says.

“I am,” Francesca echoes.

So, Levi joins them, looking out at the lake.

“So, what do you guys do out here?” Francesca wonders.

“We just talk.  Say whatever’s on our minds that we might need a little privacy for.  Plus, looking out at the water makes it easier to talk,” Dominique tells her.

There’s silence for a while, and finally Francesca speaks up again.  “Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“Sorry for calling you a jerk and thinking you were a bad guy…” Francesca mutters, regretful.  “I was just mad.  It was the first thing I thought.”

“I understand.  Do you get that I wasn’t trying to hurt you?  Or scare you?” he asks.

“You were trying to stop me from smashing my face,” Francesca comments ruefully.

“Yeah, I was.  Trying to get to you before you got hurt,” Levi explains.

“Well, you did.  Good job.  And sorry again,” Francesca insists.

“You’re still learning.  It’s okay to be still learning,” Levi tells her.

“Is it because I’m a kid?” Francesca asks.

“What?” Levi asks.

“Is the still learning from being a kid?  Like is it a nice way of saying the thing people say where they mean kids are stupid?” Francesca asks, squinting at Levi.

“No,” Levi says.  “Because I’d never call you stupid, not even a nice way.  We respect each other.  We don’t hurt each other as Avoiders, right?  Not even feelings.”

“Only if you’re trying to save them from smashing their face…” Francesca reminds.

“Definitely.  But I hope I didn’t hurt you.  Did I?” Levi asks.

“I startle easily.  It takes me a really long time to calm down again from a big one.  And like, when I thought you scared me on purpose and maybe pulled me down ‘cause I didn’t listen…that kinda made it worse,” Francesca confides.

“I didn’t mean to startle you.  I’m sorry.  And I definitely didn’t pull you down to be mean to you for not listening.  It was to protect you from getting hurt.”

“Because of  _life jacket plus adult equals water_?” Francesca asks.

“Yes.” Levi nods. “Does that make sense now?”

“Kinda.  It’s hard ‘cause you guys treat me so different.  You explain stuff and give me time to calm down.  You don’t just yell.”

“How is it hard?” Dominique asks.

“Because I have so much of life telling me the opposite.  So it’s hard to trust.  Hey, are grown ups still learning?  Or is it just kids?” Francesca wonders.

“We’re always learning,” Dominique confides.  “Being friends with you guys helps me learn every day.”

“Like what did you learn?” Francesca asks, nudging Dominique, but she’s swallowing and blinking.  So Levi speaks up.

“I learned that I never wanna be without you guys.”

“Lucky you, you don’t have to be,” Francesca says brightly.  “‘Cause we’re right here.”

 


	56. Chapter 56

“You think they’re okay out there?” Pearl asks, not able to keep herself from glancing out the window.  

It’s been a longheld and not a particularly good habit.  She’s got to stop the spying on people.  But when Levi took off out of the cabin like a bat out of hell, Pearl was curious.  Until she saw what Levi had seen: Frankie taking off toward the dock like her life depended on it.

Pearl breathed a sigh of relief when it was apparent that Levi had gotten to her in time, but watching Francesca break into tears and panic didn’t give Pearl particularly reassured feelings.

“Yeah, leave them.  Sometimes more people just makes a situation worse,” Mariana insists.

Still, Jesus can’t seem to tear himself away from the window either.  Only when they’re all safely on the dock together can he even begin to back away and try to focus on something else.

“So, how are you guys with the trip home this time?” she asks.  “Anything you need to talk through?  Need travel food?”

“I could always use that, yeah,” Jesus manages.  He’s been quiet for the last day or so.  Pearl hasn’t pushed, but she knows it’s common to run up against any number of triggers on a regular day - even moreso someplace new.  But then, he surprises her:

“How are  _you_?  I mean, it’s still Sunday.  You doing okay?  With, you know, everything?”

Pearl nods.  “It was over by this time so I usually can breathe a bit easier by this point.”

“We’re here if you need us.” Mariana offers.  

“Yeah, thanks.  Jesus, what do you want for travel food?” Pearl asks.

She doesn’t miss it when he winces.  “Sorry.  I mean, your choice, if you want it.  I wouldn’t take over about it or anything.  No infringing on your food boundaries.”

“Thanks,” he comes to sit down at the table next to Mariana.  

Pearl joins them, scooping up Cleo and holding her in her lap.

“So, Levi and I are going to be okay, I think.  I feel like we made progress this morning.”

“That’s good,” Jesus nods.

“I’m honestly just floored at how seamlessly you four do it.  Like, you care for each other but you understand that that doesn’t mean overstepping or like massive control issues.  Especially the way you guys are with Francesca.  There’s so much respect there.  I’d love to emulate that.”

“I think you are,” Mariana points out.  “Or, you’re starting to.  We can tell.”

“I mean, even the way Dominique and Levi didn’t scold Francesca and send her inside.  It looked like they took time with her. Talked to her.  Explained things.  And then, when she understood, they moved forward.”

“In one of my meetings…” Jesus begins.  “My other ones, not the ones with you guys?  One of the guys said this thing about respect?  That the word respect means “to see again” that to respect someone else means that you’re constantly seeing them, and taking another look at them.  At who they are.  At what they might need.  At what they’re communicating.  And factoring that into the way they treat that person.”

“I feel like I can tell you guys this and not be judged…but, like, ever since this whole nightmare situation with my mother?  I’ve felt like I’ve just arrived on earth and need to watch others to learn what it means to be fully human.”

“What do you mean?” Mariana asks.  “You  _are_  fully human.”

“Right, I have the, like, mind and the capabilities, but I don’t have…the means…to connect.  To be emotionally in tune.”

Pearl can see Jesus and Mariana squinting at each other for a while.  Then, at her.

“Still not sure where you’re going…” Jesus says, apologetic.

“Okay.  So, can I give you an example?” Pearl asks.

They nod in unison.

“So, for my birthday when I was nine, I was at my grandma’s house.  And I had opened up all these perfectly nice presents.  There was one - this science kit - that I had already opened.  The science kit was the one I really wanted.  So everything else kinda paled in comparison.  Clothing.  That kind of thing.  All of a sudden, my mother brings in my grandma’s clothes hamper.”

“Why?” Mariana asks, like she’s judging the choice of potential gift wrapping.

“I had no idea.  I was like, ‘Mom, what’s in here?’ and she didn’t say anything.  I took the lid off and there was a kitten inside.  I was stunned.  I hadn’t asked for a pet ever.  I dreamed of having a Dalmation, but never mentioned it out loud.  And here was this little tan cat with brown stripes.  So, I took it in Grandma’s room and started trying out names for it.  I decided I wanted to name it Joey because he was my favorite New Kid on the Block…”

“Aw…” Mariana croons.

“But Mom said, ‘Pearl, I’m sorry.  We have to give him back, unless you name him Farley.’”

“What the hell is Farley?” Jesus asks, unimpressed.

“He was a guy on SNL back in the day.  Okay?  A comedian.  Hot mess.  But I was nine.  I didn’t know the first thing about these people my mother watched on television.  I didn’t wanna name my kitten Farley, but Mom insisted.  I was so scared of losing him to the pet store or wherever he came from that I said she could name him Farley.  Eventually, we realized I was allergic and we had to give Farley to Grandma.  He lived there about a year, and then he ran away.”

“So, your mom gave you gifts that were all about her…” Jesus deduces.

“Pretty much.  And I knew for sure by the time I was twelve years old, to dial back my enthusiasm about any birthday or Christmas gift I was excited about.  Because Mom would either say nothing and be unmoved or mock me.  She loved to embarrass me.  So if she caught even a hint of that, she latched onto it.”

“To make fun of you?” Jesus asks, and Pearl can see the hurt in his eyes.

“That’s what I mean.  This week with you guys?  Has taught me more about being human and a member of an actual family than 24 years with her.  You guys don’t hurt each other.  You don’t make fun of each other, or give each other loaded gifts.  You don’t exist for each other like I apparently existed  _for_  my mom.  It’s like your respect definition, Jesus.  She’s never seen me.”

“Yeah, she seems gross…” Mariana wrinkles her nose.

“That’s one word for her,” Pearl ventures.  “I’m beyond glad to have her out of my life, but I’m also worried.  Okay so…first, if I’m talking to much, please feel free to let me know.”

“No,” they chorus.  “You’re not.”

“So…my grandma called this morning?” Pearl doesn’t know why she’s asking it like a question.  Her grandma obviously called.

“Your grandma with the clothes hamper with the cat in it?” Mariana checks.

“That’s the one.  Anyway, I literally just changed my cell number.  Like days ago.  And she found my new one.  I’m wondering what you guys would do?  Like, do I change it again?”

“If your grandma already has it and knows it’s yours?  Chances are, your mom knows what it is, too.” Jesus warns, soft.  “The point of changing your number is so she can’t reach you.  I’d change your number again and this time I’d delete your mom and grandma’s numbers and block their calls.  That way, if they do find you?  They won’t be able to really get to you.”

“That’s a good idea,” Pearl sighs, relieved.  “You always have the best ideas.”

“Yeah, well, living in super hell was great for learning how to block out assholes,” Jesus comments bitterly.

“I’m sure,” Pearl nods.  She’s never forgotten Mariana’s words years ago - that Jesus outsmarted his terrible kidnapper - and got himself home at 13 years old.

“But we’re here, you know, if you need to learn anymore about human beingness,” Mariana offers.

“And Frankie says, if you ever feel like an alien, call her,” Jesus smirks.  “She’ll remind you you’re a human and about consent.”

“She’s great at that, yeah,” Pearl nods.  “She’s grown up well.  You all have.  Do you think it has to do with being able to be on your own more?”

“Well, Frankie and I aren’t on our own,” Mariana points out.  “We’re the last two at home.  And…I’m pretty sure if you saw us there, you might not come to the same conclusion.  Especially if you let Moms…like…get in your head…about how we are.”

“Why?  How do they think you are?” Pearl asks. She reaches back in her memory.  To Francesca observing that Pearl’s mom reminded her of their own moms.  

“Damaged,” Mariana mutters darkly.  “And just generally terrible.”  

“I hate that I ever admired Stef…” Pearl shudders.  “I hate that she treats you two that way…”

Jesus gestures to himself.  His face is sad.

“You, too?” Pearl asks.  “Well, I guess the way they were treating you up here last time wouldn’t be an isolated incident, would it?”

“No.  Probably not,” Jesus confirms.

Francesca bursts inside then, breathless.  Levi and Dominique on her heels.  “Hey guys.  Guess what?  We saw these cool black and white birds!  With red eyes!”

“Loons,” Levi comments softly, smiling.

“Yeah, loons!” Francesca insists.  “So, can I set up  _Moana_  for us to watch?”

“You may have to pause for lunch,” Jesus tells her.

“I know,” she agrees easily.  “Pearl, did you know?  That Levi?  He’s a really fast runner!” Francesca’s proud now, practically beaming.  She must’ve gotten over the shock of being stopped so abruptly.

Pearl sends a knowing look to her brother and then adds, “Yeah, we Wests are fast runners, I think.”

“You think?” Dominique asks.  

“Well, I don’t know for sure, but Mom definitely isn’t a fast runner, so I figure we get it from Dad.”

“He’d say so,” Levi nods with a smile.  “So, where are we watching the movie?”

“Living room?” Francesca asks.  “Also, are we all watching?”

“Yeah, Pearl, please come get to know all the sides of me,” Levi’s pretty much begging.

“The goddess version of you?” she teases lightly.  “Yeah, I’ll watch that.  Definitely.”

“I was just thinking we might wanna do sandwiches and chips for lunch again.  Try to use up the lunch meat and the bread?” Dominique offers.  “Jesus? What do you think?”

“Whatever we don’t use, Pearl and Levi said they’d take.  But yeah that sounds good.  I’m coming to check out the movie.  Mari, you want to?” he asks.

Soon, amazingly, all six of them are gathered around Francesca’s I-Pad, which they propped up on the coffee table.

“You guys, this is my dream…” Francesca enthuses.  “All of us watching  _Moana_  together….  Avoiders unite.”

“Avoiders unite?” Pearl asks, smiling.  

“Yeah,” Francesca grins back.  “It’s a thing I say.”

“Sounds like we’re superheroes,” Pearl observes.

“There should be some like us,” Francesca decides, shushing them abruptly as the movie starts.

“You know, this is my dream, too?” Levi whispers.

“Aw…  Can I put my arm around you?  For coziness?” Pearl asks.

Levi looks at her, startled.  Like he just can’t believe his luck.  “Yeah.  That’d make it even more like the dream I had.  Us together, watching Dad’s favorite movie…”

Pearl puts an arm around him, allowing him close.

Levi’s tone turns wistful.  “All that’s missing is Dad…”

“I don’t know, I’m pretty sure he’s here,” Pearl shares, like she’s letting Levi in on a secret.  “I don’t know of anyone else who loves both of us this much.  He did everything he could to make sure we found each other.  Pretty sure he’s somewhere close, with a front row seat, and some popcorn right now.  Did he like popcorn?” she asks.

“And a root beer float,” Levi nods, blinking back tears.

“And a root beer float then,” Pearl nods.  

Then, finally, they settle in to watch.  Levi never really stops crying.  But no one asks him to.


	57. Chapter 57

Jesus takes the lead at lunch, making a sandwich and gathering his own chips, a piece of fruit and a bottle of water, before he sits down at the table.  It feels hella rude, but the Avoiders, and especially Levi, are serious about Jesus having whatever he needs.  And if he needs control to make his own lunch and let everybody else make theirs?  They’re actually fine with that.

For the first time in a while, Jesus has his headphones on.  It helps him to be able to just eat and not get too distracted worrying about if everybody’s still okay with having to do their own thing for lunch.  Or if they maybe resent him.  Maybe they think he’s selfish.

That’s the thing - headphones don’t really block out internal stuff, like Jesus’s own thoughts.  

Out of the corner of his eye, Jesus sees a flash of yellow.  He turns, to see Francesca attempting to move super quietly, his blanket in her hands.  She sets it on the bench next to him and walks away, flashing a little thumbs up.

God, he loves his baby sis.  Anything involving their blankets?  She just instinctively gets.  If he looks like he’s having a hard time and doesn’t have his blanket from Officer Saunders, Frankie makes sure it’s close by.  Years ago, she’d revealed a lot about how she felt about their blankets when she called hers a “service blanket” because it helped her calm down.

The blanket does help.  

Eventually, Jesus is aware of Levi standing near the end of the table.  Jesus adjusts his headphones so they’re off one ear a little.  

“Yeah?”

“I was just curious if I could sit by you?  If you’re okay having us at the table with you?” Levi drops his voice even further.  “No one’s gonna force you to do anything you don’t want.  No one’s gonna make you eat.”

“Consent and boundaries?” Jesus checks.  “Then, yes.”

Everybody’s coming to sit down, too, but nobody pays too much attention to Jesus, which is ideal.

“Yeah.  Because of consent and boundaries,” Levi nods.  “And respect.”

That clicks Jesus’s mind back to the definition of  _respect_ he had learned from one of his meetings.  The whole idea of seeing someone again and again.  _That_ makes him think of the move He’d stolen off the internet -  _Avatar_  - and how the blue alien people plugged a part of themselves into the world around them - or another blue thing - and told each other “I see you.”  (He said they were really talking about sex.  To Him?  Everything was about sex.)  That movie was something He stole and made them watch so He’d forget all about His mom being dead.  

A week later, He’d taken Isaac.

“Hey,” Levi says.  “You okay?”

Jesus swallows the bite of sandwich that feels like paste in his mouth.  Gets up and walks to the living room, because now the table’s full, including Francesca, and there are some things his eleven-year-old sister doesn’t need to hear him talking about.  He drops to a squat, petting Dudley.  

Levi does the same, so they are eye-level with each other.

“So…I remembered something.  From Before, when you talked about respect.  Back after last time I came up here, my therapist had told me if I ever start equating something from now with something from Then, I should ask about it.  You know…for clarification.  It took me a long time to feel comfortable, but now I guess I do, so…”

“So, you can ask me,” Levi invites.

“It’s kinda obvious, I think?”  Jesus hedges.  “But my brain can’t let it go.  And also….I don’t wanna like, trigger you by talking about this stuff…”

“But we don’t force each other,” Levi reminds Jesus.  “Right?  You’re not forcing me to answer you.  I’m choosing.  I’m consenting.”

“Okay so did you ever see that movie  _Avatar_?” Jesus checks.  “With all the blue people who could plug into nature or each other or whatever.  I don’t remember exactly…”

Levi’s eyes light up.  “Sran.”

“What?” Jesus asks, confused.

“Oh, my God…  Did I just answer in Na’vi?  I’m so sorry,” Levi’s clearly embarrassed.  “The movie came out when I was six, and after?  I asked my dad if we could learn Na’vi…  We learned quite a bit.  I was a nerd.  What can I say?  Anyway.  Getting off the Na’vi train.  Yes.  I have seen the movie.”

“So, you were pretty into it?” Jesus checks.

“If by pretty into it you mean I could quote scenes from memory.  I was so into Pandora it was ridiculous.  I wanted to live there, pretty much.”

“So, you’d say you’re kinda an expert then?” Jesus wonders, serious.

Levi smiles. Shrugs.  “I mean…I don’t like to brag…but…” he nods.

“Okay, so…I have this question but it has a lot of background info.” Jesus starts.

“I’m game,” Levi tells him.

So, Jesus explains about watching the movie with Him.  How He had read sex into practically every interaction the alien blue things had with each other.  From when they plugged in to what was around them to when they said, “I see you.”

“I just was talking to Pearl earlier, and I said that I learned the word respect basically means the same thing.”

Levi blinks, confused.  “Same thing as what?”

“It means  _to see again_.  So if you respect somebody, you’re constantly like, seeing them.  Checking in.  Acknowledging how they’re doing.  Respect is basically the human version of the  _Avatar_  I-see-you thing,” Jesus explains.

“Okay.  I’m with you so far,” Levi nods.  “Also, that definition is very cool.”

“Well, I still have my question.” Jesus objects lightly.

“I didn’t forget,” Levi reassures.  “What is it?”

“Okay, so…I get that this sounds ridiculous, okay, but don’t laugh…” Jesus insists.

“No, I won’t.” Levi promises, serious.

“So, is respect….” Jesus trails off, his ears burning.  “Is it like…sex?” he manages, in a whisper.  “Is there sex  _in_  it?  Or, is that a part of it?  I don’t know what I’m asking.”

“What do you mean?” Levi asks.  “Because apparently there can be respect when two people…you know…  Affirmative consent.  Safe words.  That kinda thing.  But there’s zero respect in abuse.”

“But if you respect somebody, is it like He said?  Do you have to let the other person…just…do that?  Does respect mean sex, is like, automatically is factored in?”

“I think…I might be in over my head on this one,” Levi tells Jesus.  “Is it okay if I get Pearl?  She knows how to explain things really well.  Really clearly.”

“Are you giving up?” Jesus asks, worried.  

“No, I’m coming back.  If you want me to, I’m coming back.  This is like…I want you to have all the information?  But I don’t know if I’m the one who can give it?  So I wanna find somebody who can.  Somebody we both trust.  Make sense?” Levi checks.

Jesus nods.  He waits in the living room, half-crouched next to Dudley, who’s breathing in his face and licking him.

“Jesus?  Just so you know?  You can totally sit on the furniture,” Mariana calls from the kitchen.  

“Seriously, no need to pop a squat for that long…” Dominique remarks.

“Hahaha!  Pop a squat! That’s funny!” Frankie laughs.

Hearing that - just Francesca at ease enough to laugh - lets Jesus know it must be safe to sit on the furniture.  He sits in the middle of the couch, and pats it, so Dudley jumps up too, and sprawls so his front paws are in Jesus’s lap.  Hopefully this will put off Pearl or Levi from trying to sit by him.

In no time, Levi’s back with Pearl, who looks concerned but gentle and open.  Not like his question is stupid at all.

“So, I hope it was okay, I gave Pearl a heads up about what you’re wondering…  Just so you don’t have to say it all again,” Levi explains.

Jesus nods.  

Pearl pulls up Grandpa’s giant footstool.  “Is it okay if I sit here?” she asks.

“Yes.  That’s good,” Jesus nods again.

“Is it okay if I sit next to you?” Levi asks, looking at Pearl, and then checking with Jesus.

Both nod.

“So, Francesca knows not to come out here.  Mariana and Dominique are there, and they’re all involved in conversation.  So you don’t have to worry about her,” Pearl starts.  She drops her voice anyway.  “Levi said you had a question about if respect and sex were connected?”  She asked like the question was totally legit and not ridiculous at all.

“Uh…yeah.  Like, if you respect somebody.  Does that, like, mean, you gotta give it up to them, like whenever they say?”

“Okay.  First.”  Pearl pauses.  “That’s a really important question.  So I’m glad you trusted us enough to ask it.  Second…  What you’re describing?  Is rape, not sex.”

Jesus blinks.  “What’s the difference?” he asks, feeling firmly in Level 1 dissociation, when stuff he knows becomes stuff he doesn’t.

“Rape is about power,” Pearl tells him plainly.  “It’s not about sex.  It’s about dominating and controlling them.  To rape, someone sees another person, not as a person, but as an object.”

“But I’m a human being and not a thing.  Not an alien or whatever,” Jesus says, trying to break through the dissociation.  To feel present.

“Right.  You are absolutely right.” Pearl tells Jesus.  

“Do we have Junior Mints left?” Jesus wonders.  

“We do.  I got a giant box,” Levi remembers.  “Want me to go get them and hand them to you?”

“And water?” Jesus asks.

“Yeah, I can grab a water, too.  Hold on.” Levi’s gone a few seconds, and then Jesus is holding the box, shaking out candy into his hand.  

Dudley’s ignoring it.  He’s good like that.

Jesus eats one.  Then another.  He drinks some water.  Slowly, he’s aware of things sharpening up around him.  Jesus nods at Pearl.

“Treating somebody like an object…” Pearl starts again.  “Is the opposite of how we treat each other.”

“It’s opposite?” Jesus checks.

“One-hundred percent opposite,” Pearl says, sure.  “Respecting someone doesn’t mean that person gets to rape you.”  She says plainly.

“So…He was wrong.  When the  _Avatar_  things were seeing each other.  They were seeing like…their souls or whatever…not…” Jesus ventures.  

Pearl looks confused, but Jesus checks with Levi.

“Yeah.  He was totally wrong.  In  _Avatar_?  It was a deeper connection?  Like their souls were touching.  They were seeing into each other.  Their spirit.  They were connecting to each other and to nature on that level.  Rape didn’t factor in at all,” Levi tells him, matter of fact.

“So, the definition of respect I know, and the  _Avatars’_  respect is the same?” Jesus reviews.  “But what He said is the opposite?”

“Yes,” Pearl says.

Jesus drinks more water.  Eats more Junior Mints.

Eventually, he cues Dudley to get down off his lap, so Jesus can stand up.  Pearl walks ahead of them, back to the kitchen, but Jesus leans in so he can whisper another question to Levi.

“Dude, did I take too long?  Like…can I still?” Jesus gestures to the table.

“Yeah.  There’s no time limit,” Levi reassures.

They sit down again.  Jesus can hear Francesca, Mariana and Dominique discussing  _Moana_.  

“You okay?  You know…that I asked that question?” Jesus asks.

“Yeah.  I’m glad to know we can ask stuff like that.  If we’re wondering.  It was cool to see how Pearl went about it, too.  So, like, maybe if I had a question like that, she’d be patient with me, too.”

“I think so.” Jesus nods.  “By  the way, thanks for snagging Frankie from taking a header into the dock.  Kinda hate myself that I didn’t notice.”

“Hey, we’re Avoiders, right?  We look out for each other.  So, even if you weren’t watching her that second?  Dominique was.  She made sure somebody went for Fran.  Made sure she was safe.”

“You okay with how she reacted after?” Jesus checks, keeping his voice low.

“Not a huge fan of being called a bad guy,” Levi admits lowly, “But I get it.  Somebody grabs you from behind?  It’s reasonable to think it’s gonna be a bad guy, not your friend having your back.”

“I’m glad you had hers,” Jesus nods, finishing his sandwich.

“I have yours, too.” Levi tells him.

“Same, bro,” Jesus nods, fist-bumping Levi.


	58. Chapter 58

Dominique feels much better about hanging out outside now that she knows Pearl’s mother’s not likely to be lurking around.  According to Pearl, she’d gotten a call from her grandmother, on her mother’s behalf.  The grandmother knew nothing, clearly.  (All the more disturbing if she  _did_  know and didn’t factor it into Pearl’s decision to cut contact.)  

One (of many things) she loves about her parents?  They’re always giving her the benefit of the doubt.  They’re always checking in.  Not just reacting whenever Dominique acted some type of way and they knew she could act better.

It’s why Dominique always tries to look deeper with her friends.  Always takes time to explain things to Francesca, keenly aware of just how much eleven year olds didn’t know.

“I liked that we all got to watch  _Moana_  together,” Francesca confesses.  They’re walking hand in hand out here, in the woods.  Dominique would usually have her camera out right now, but Francesca’s asked for it, and is taking her own pictures as they walk.  (Dominique kinda can’t wait to see Fran’s perspective.  Her eye.)

“Yeah?  That was important to you,” Dominique observes.

“It was,” Francesca aims the camera at their joined hands awkwardly.  Before Dominique can object, she clicks.  “Oops.  I’m sorry I didn’t ask you.”

“Can I see it?” Dominique asks, striving for calm.

Francesca passes Dominique’s phone over.  “Jesus and Mariana say it’s a good idea to keep my phone inside.  So it doesn’t get lost in these woods or fall in the water.”

Quietly, Dominique studies the shot.  Francesca’s used a black and white filter.  The picture’s blurry.  Imperfect.  But Dominique kinda loves it.

“This is a great picture.  I love it a lot.  But I do appreciate you apologizing.  You’re not sharing these anywhere are you?” Dominique checks.

“No,” Francesca says.

“Okay.  I think you take great shots.  Just remember to ask before you photograph people.  And don’t share the pictures with people in them without asking first,” Dominique reminds, handing her phone back.

“I promise,” Francesca vows.  “I don’t like that we almost have to go.”

“No, I don’t like it either.” Dominique comiserates.  

“I wish we could all just live here…” Francesca ventures.  “It’s like…away from the rest of the world, you know?”

“I do.  Hey, are you feeling okay from earlier?” Dominique checks.  “From being scared.”

“Yeah.  I calmed down a little ways into  _Moana_.” Francesca shares, distracted, taking pictures.  Of their shoes.  Of trees.  Of the cabin behind them.

“Must not be regular-scared…” Dominique muses.  By the time the movie started, close to an hour had passed since Levi had intercepted Francesca from nearly running onto the dock.

“I tried to tell you,” Francesca points out.  “It’s just like at home.  Jude used to scare me, like, every single night.  I tried telling Moms but they just said it was no big deal.  But it feels like how it would feel if something really scary happened.  I don’t know how to explain how hard it is to calm down.”

“But you meant it when you said it takes an hour,” Dominique states, shocked.

“Yeah, like how I’d feel if it was a bad guy scaring me or grabbing me.  My heart beats hard for a long time and I feel like, I have to look around a lot to see if I really am safe.  And there’s a feeling that goes higher.  It takes a long time to go lower again.”

“That’s how it feels when you’re trying to calm down from being scared like you were today?” Dominique asks, sympathetic.  “It doesn’t, like, matter that you realized it was Levi, not somebody who was gonna hurt you.”

“It’s like, I know?  But my body doesn’t care ‘cause it already decided it  _was_  a bad guy…” Francesca hands Dominique’s phone back.

“That sounds terrifying,” Dominique observes.  “Can I ask a CP question?”

“Just for clarifying?” Francesca wonders.  

“Kinda, yeah.” Dominique admits.

Francesca nods.

“So, is that jumping thing that happens…  Is that like a CP thing?”  (It kinda strikes Dominique as a trauma thing, but she’s not about to let on to Francesca, at least not yet.)

Frankie shrugs.  “I think it’s just a me thing.  I don’t know.  I don’t know anybody else with CP so I don’t know if they jump, too.  Wait, Moms did say one time to Jude, ‘Don’t take advantage of your sister’s startle reflex…’  Do non-CP people have those?”

“I think it usually goes away as a baby?” Dominique ventures.  “You wanna Google it together?  See if we can figure it out?”

“You would want to?” Francesca asks.  

“Of course I’d want to, babe.  Better than finding out on your own, or trying to figure out a way to ask your Moms.”

“Never happen…” Francesca ventures dryly.

Dominique types  _CP startle reflex_  into her phone and gets more than 50,000 results, all of them seem to link the two together.

Clicking on the first article from a popular disability site, Dominique reads out loud to Francesca until Fran stops her:

“Fire alarms make me so scared, too!  OMG does that girl really have CP like I do?”

“Babe, a lot of people have CP like you do,” Dominique tells her.

“How come I don’t know any?” Frankie asks.

“I’m not sure.  But some come into the hospital where I work sometimes,” Dominique shares.

“How do you know?  Do you ask them?” Francesca asks, wary.

“No, I guess I don’t know for sure…but they look like you.  Your eyes and your smile.  They move like you do.”

“It’s not fair I never got to see anybody with CP, too…” Francesca sighs.  “I asked Moms once if we could adopt a kid who has CP like me, but they kinda laughed and said they had enough going on.”

“What about at school?” Dominique checks.

“It’s a Charter school,” Francesca says, and Dominique is lost.

“What’s that mean?” she asks.

“That I’m only there ‘cause Mama’s the principal.  There are no kids with disabilities at my school.  Nobody there even knows I have one.  They just think I’m super slow and messy.  Like, my desk and stuff.”

“Hmm…” Dominique thinks.

“And I don’t wanna go to hospitals just to see kids like me.  I hate hospitals.  Mariana was in one.  The smell scares me.  And just being there.”

“Right, I know the feeling.” Dominique nods.

“Because you had to be in the hospital?” Francesca wonders.

“When I was your age, yeah.” Dominique nods.  “For a long time.  I didn’t like it either.  And the smell still kinda gets to me.”

“But you work there,” Francesca points out.  “Why do you work there if it scares you?”

“I work at the front desk, telling people where to go.  I don’t have to go where the patients are.  That would be too scary.  Plus, I get to see the nurses - some of the ones I had - and they’ve become kinda like friends?  Or really nice grandmothers.”

Francesca smiles.  Then, it fades.  “Pearl’s grandma doesn’t seem nice…”

“What do you mean?” Dominique wonders.

“I heard her and Levi talking a little.  I wasn’t spying, I promise.  I just have good hearing.  Does Pearl have any nice family?” Francesca asks.

“She has Levi.  And their dad seems like he was nice,” Dominique observes.

“But no nice  _woman_  family,” Francesca observes.

“Okay, but let’s not talk about Pearl or her family because it’s not polite if she’s not here, too.”

“Okay, sorry.” Francesca apologizes.  

Dominique’s clicking through all the pictures Francesca took.  Not all of them are as amazing as the holding-hands one, but she definitely has a perspective.  Dominique loves it.  “I can forward these to you once we get back by the cabin.”

“Can you ask your dad something?” Francesca asks abruptly.

Dominique blinks.  Francesca occasionally will mention Dominique’s mom, but never her dad.  “What?”

“Can you ask him if he ever found his real dad?” Francesca wonders.  “And how?  Like…maybe he could help me find mine.”

“Have you asked Jesus or Mariana yet, babe?” Dominique presses gently.

“Not really.  I mean, I asked Jesus accidentally, when I forgot about the bad guy still having him when I was born.  But I haven’t asked Mariana,” Francesca admits.  They stop and sit down on the grass.

“Why is that?”  Dominique asks.

“‘Cause it’s like…I don’t know…this off limits thing.  I only knew about even having a dad when  I was in kindergarten and there was a daddy-daughter dance and Mike took me.  Everybody asked me if he was my dad.  I lied and said yes.  But I knew he was Brandon’s dad, not mine.”

“What happened?” Dominique asks.

“Mike must’ve blabbed, because Mama came to talk to me about what I said.  She said how we don’t lie and stuff.  She made sure I knew Mike wasn’t really my actual dad.  It was so embarrassing.  Then she said, ‘ _You have your own dad, all your own_.’”

“What did you think about that?” Dominique wonders.

“I asked where he was,” Francesca says plainly.

“And?” Dominique checks.

“She said they didn’t know much about him.  Just that he was a nice person who wanted to help mommies get to have babies to grow in their tummies.  I asked his name.  She said she didn’t know it.  But maybe when I got big, we could try to find out more.”

“Well, how big did she want you to get?” Dominique asks, skeptically.

“I know, right?  And now I’m in fifth grade and every time I’ve tried to bring it up since then, they just say nothing or that they don’t know.  But everybody else can know, of my brothers and sisters.  Jesus and Mariana know where their dad is.  Callie knows her dad.  Jude knows his.  Brandon is luckiest because he gets to see his dad all the time.  But, like…  I don’t even get to have one?  Not fair.”

“I agree,” Dominique nods.  “I still think a good next step would be to talk to Mariana.”

“But what if she doesn’t know anything either?” Francesca asks, desperate.  “Or just says she doesn’t because what if Moms told her to say that?”

“Well, hold on.  What do we know about Mariana?” Dominique quizzes.

“Um…she’s my sister…” Francesca says, like it’s obvious, because it is.

“Right…  We also know she’s honest.  Trustworthy.  She tells the truth,” Dominique reminds Francesca.

“I guess…” Francesca relents.  “I just…don’t wanna get in trouble.  Moms aren’t telling me anything and I think they’d be even madder if I went behind their backs and asked Mariana or something.  If they found out?  Like, I really might be grounded forever…”

“But it’s your history, babe.  Your identity.  You have every right to know who your father is.” Dominique insists.

“Not according to them.  I know I’m like at least some-fraction Black and some-fraction white. ‘Cause Mama’s half and half.  But, like…what about the rest of me?  The other half?  I don’t look like my other friends who are biracial exactly.”

“So, you know how four quarters make up a dollar?” Dominique asks.

Francesca nods.

“You’re at least one-quarter Black, and at least one-quarter white,” Dominique explains, wanting to give her this much information about herself at least.  As much as Dominique, herself, can figure out.  Because there shouldn’t be this much shame around a person’s own parentage.

“So, I just gotta figure out my other 50 cents, right?” Francesca asks.

“Right.” Dominique laughs.

“Will you tell?” Francesca asks, suddenly serious.  “Mariana?  Before I’m ready?  Or my moms?  That I’m asking?”

“This is Avoidance, babe.  Where we keep each other’s confidence.” Dominique reassures.

“Is that like another way of saying we respect privacy?” Francesca asks.  

“It is.” Dominique nods.

“‘Cause it’s not a secret, I don’t think.  Jesus taught me that me and him and Mari?  We don’t keep secrets.  And like, about body safety and stuff?  And that kids can’t get in trouble for grownups breaking body safety rules, or asking kids to break them.  But this isn’t a secret like that,” Francesca reviews.

Dominique’s eyes widen.  “Wow.  I didn’t know Jesus taught you all that stuff.  That’s really important.  I’m happy you know it.  And yes.  This is more along the lines of respecting privacy than keeping secrets.  ‘Cause you are gonna tell Mariana.  When you’re ready.”

“Yeah, and secrets are forever, and I really don’t think I could keep this a secret forever.  Eleven years was hard enough…” Francesca breathes.

“Well, I will never ask you to keep secrets, okay?” Dominique says.

“Levi did, about ice cream.” Francesca points out.

“Yeah, well Levi’s still technically a kid like you.  He’s not eighteen yet.  So, he’s still learning.  But you were right to let him know you don’t keep secrets.”

“Even when you’re an adult you’re still learning, right?  Like you said on the dock?”

“Yes.  Like I said on the dock.” Dominique echoes.

They get up and start to walk again.


	59. Chapter 59

“So, are you okay?  From earlier?” Pearl asks.

She and Jesus are in Pearl and Levi’s kitchen, next door.  (Apparently, Pearl had cleaned up after her mom…or her mom didn’t touch anything of Pearl’s but Jesus finds that kinda hard to believe.)

Truth is, Jesus is still more than a little wound up.  This has not really been a relaxing few days.  And yet managing so many random triggers still didn’t hold a candle to coming up here last time with Moms and the rest of the sibs.

“I mean, no.  Not really, no,” Jesus admits.  “Kinda glad Levi’s a Na’vi expert though…”

“Right?” Pearl asks, proud.  “He has many skills.  You know he graduated high school at  _sixteen_?  Almost seventeen, but still.  It’s impressive.”

“It is.  You saw how much of a giant mess I was at that age…” Jesus offers.

“But nobody can quite match the hot mess level I reached the last two months of being that age…” Pearl ventures.

“Not your fault,” Jesus tells her.

“I’m just saying, Levi had plenty of reason to crash and burn and never graduate but he rallied.” Pearl points out, relaxing on the couch, while Jesus bakes her peanut butter breakfast cookies with Pearl’s occasional directions.

“Yeah.  Sometimes a kid’ll go the crashing and burning way, and sometimes he’ll go the other way.  Over-achieve,” Jesus remarks.  “But truth time?  I kinda thought this whole time that Levi  _was_  18.  It’s kinda amazing his mom let him move in with you when he’s not even of age…”

“Well, it was let him move in with me, and have him promise to check in regularly or he had bags packed.  And a legitimate plane ticket to Denver.”

“So, you were the option that kept him closer to home?” Jesus deduces.

“Yes.  So, we actually have plans to have dinner with his mom sometime this week.”

“Really?” Jesus asks.  “Let me know how it goes?”

“Definitely.  I’m kind of worried that she’s going to hate my guts.” Pearl says.

Jesus peeks around Pearl’s kitchen wall to study her.  He’s found her apron that he asked to use, since it makes Jesus feel like a real chef.  It says:  _Baker’s Gonna Bake_.  It makes him feel ridiculously empowered.

“Why?” Jesus asks, rolling cookie dough.

“I mean, I get that it’s not rational, but  _my_  mother hates  _him_ …” Pearl ventures.

“But do you know his mom?  Like, what did she say?” Jesus wonders.

“She said ‘ _Bring your sister._ ’  Even offered to come to us if it was easier,” Pearl shares.

“That…doesn’t really sound like she hates you…” Jesus points out.  “It kinda sounds like she wants to get to know you…”

“But  _why_ , though?  Why would she want that?” Pearl presses.

“‘Cause you’re important to Levi.  Dominique had Mari and me and Francesca over to meet her parents.”

“I guess I just…I’ve never met anyone’s parents.  Not  _that_  way.  You know?  I never dated.  I was the biggest nerd ever.  I had academics.  And chores.  And when I wasn’t doing that I had my nose in a book.  So we can see why I am so amazingly socially awkward…”

Jesus finishes the batch of cookies he’s on.  His lunch bag from Pearl is already loaded with her tatertot hotdish.  And a massive sandwich, fruit, chips, the works.  The cookies are last.  She had everything else on hand, because she’s awesome.  She even wrote him notes while he was working on the cookies, to add to the bag.  Jesus digs that she’s making it so similar.  He takes comfort in things happening the same way.

Then, he rinses his hands, sets a timer and joins Pearl in the living room - on the couch - at her nod.  “So, the thing you gotta know about meeting parents is…” he starts out.  “If somebody important in your life wants you to meet them?  It’s because they think you’re important, too.  Like, getting all the safe people together on the same team.”

“But I’m so not a safe person yet, Jesus, I’ve failed spectacularly at being safe like twelve million times this week.” Pearl objects.

“But you know what that makes you?” he asks.

“A failure?” she asks dryly.

“No,” Jesus answers with a smile.  “A human.  And humans make mistakes.”

“Isn’t it weird how things can go from trigger-palooza to like, crystal clear?” Pearl asks.  “Like, you’re so confident right now.”

“Yeah, because I had you and Levi helping me out,” Jesus says.  “Without you guys?  I’d still be…” Jesus shrugs.

“So, Levi is asking me to meet his mom because we’re both important to him and he wants us to know each other…and hopefully  _like_  each other?” Pearl asks skeptical.

“Basically,” Jesus nods.  He gets up to check on the cookies.  “Good thing Levi’s not here right now these things are peanut-buttery as hell…” Jesus muses, taking a deep breath.

“Yeah, I still feel awful about that,” Pearl shares.  

“See, but you just send all your peanut butter cookies to  _me_ ,” Jesus smiles, coming back to the couch.  He pauses, seeing that Pearl’s not smiling in return.  “You didn’t do it on purpose.”

“But what’s the shelf-life on that excuse?” Pearl checks.

Jesus blinks, surprised.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean, how many times can a person legitimately claim ignorance as a defense for hurting someone?” Pearl asks.

“Once.  Like, once per thing, I think.  Once you know.  Once Levi told you about the cookie trigger, ignorance expired.  So now, it’s your responsibility to keep that in mind.”

“Right,” Pearl breathes.

“And because of that, I don’t think it really qualifies as an excuse, you know?” Jesus asks.  “It’s not a free pass to keep hurting somebody.  Because once you know you are, you stop.”

“The closest my mother ever came to apologizing to me, for something that was actually her fault?  Started out like this:  _Sorry I was such a bitch, my excuse for that is…_ ”

“Oh, no way…  That’s not an apology.  That’s a justification.  And it’s messed up.” Jesus maintains.

“Hence, why I also suck at taking responsibility and apologizing to people,” Pearl explains.

“You don’t suck. It’s like Dominique says.  You’re just building that muscle.  Takes a while for it to get strong.” Jesus tells her, matter of fact.

“By the way?  If I haven’t thanked you for dealing with my mother?  Thank you for dealing with her,” Pearl says, looking Jesus right in the eyes.  “You should not have had to do that, but I’m so glad you were there.”

“Me, too,” Jesus nods.

“Yeah, except most people learn that by the time they’re toddlers, and I seem to have missed the boat on it entirely,” Pearl remarks, still a little bitter.

“You don’t think your dad taught you any of that stuff?” Jesus asks.  “He was around for a bit, right?”

“Until I was four.  I have approximately one memory of him tucking me into bed.  And another of us eating at McDonald’s together…” Pearl shares.

“So, you don’t think he had an impact on how you grew up?  That having a parent love you that early on isn’t a big deal?  ‘Cause I can tell you from experience.  Not having one?  Messes you up.  You’d think that having one would mean at least as much good.” Jesus considers.

“You know, I never really thought about it.  I just hate the feeling that I’m socially inept…  Mom was big on milestones.  Doing things on time.  Earlier was even better.  You know I was on track to graduate early, too, until…well…that.”

Jesus wrinkles his nose.  “Yeah, I’m so not big on any of that age-appropriate nonsense.  Like, who cares if an adult needs a dog or a blanket or whatever to cope out in the world.  It’s not hurting anybody.”

“But hurting the people we love - out of ignorance or not - that  _is_  hurting people.” Pearl maintains.  “ _Not_  having learned this way back when I was supposed to?  It  _is_  actually hurting people now.  It’s not exactly the same thing is all I’m saying.”

“Right.  Sorry,” Jesus says.  He gets up again to go check on the cookies.  They’re cool.  And there’s no more dough left.  “So, can I take all these?”

“Yeah, please.  I’ll definitely take you up on eating all of my peanut butter cookies.” Pearl says.  “By the way?  Jesus?” she calls.

He sticks his head around the corner.  “Hmm?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong just now.  Trying to relate and missing?  I’m not offended or anything.  Especially since I was talking about age-appropriateness on kind of a dual strand.  Like, my mom definitely didn’t allow me to have a comfort object beyond age…  It must’ve been four.  Because I know I didn’t have anything like that after I went to kindergarten…”

“Bummer,” Jesus offers.  “Can I wash these?” he asks.  “The dishes?”

“Why?” Pearl checks.  

“Why what?” Jesus asks back.

“Why do you want to wash them?  Because you’re feeling panicky?” she wonders.

“No, because…”  Jesus pauses.  Makes himself breathe for a second.  Focus on Dudley.  “I guess the idea of leaving a mess in somebody else’s kitchen does make me a bit panicky, yeah,” he admits.

“Then I got it,” Pearl grunts getting off the couch.  “You and Dudley go hang out.”

“Can I swing?” Jesus asks.  It feels the most age-inappropriate ever, but Pearl uses it and she’s older than him.  “I mean, since you’re not using it?”

“Go for it,” Pearl nods.

“Can I do the lights?” Jesus asks.

“Sure, but I’m gonna keep the ones out here on, so I can see what I’m doing,” Pearl returns, giving Jesus a heads-up.

Jesus gets in the swing and it feels the exact same as it did years ago.  He wonders if Levi’s ever used this.  Maybe he can mention it to him.  Because the way it just helps everything in him get calm?  Well, Jesus hasn’t been able to find anything else that works as well.  And he’s too embarrassed to ask Moms for one.  Because they totally have the age-appropriateness thing going, too.  The purple lights keep him just distracted enough that his thoughts don’t start running away with him.

“Okay in there?” Pearl asks.

“Yeah, just…thinking…” Jesus admits.

“Anything you wanna share?” Pearl asks.

“These swings aren’t cheap,” Jesus begins.  “Right?”

“No, they’re not.” Pearl echoes.

“And service dogs aren’t.  I know that from having Dudley.  I guess…how did you afford all this?” Jesus asks.  

“My mom covered Gracie’s fees and her training and everything.  I think it was so I’d get out of her house, honestly.  With Cleo, my grandma used some of the money she’d been saving for me.  There’s no way I’d have been able to afford her.  And insurance won’t cover service dogs.”

“No, I know.  Dudley wasn’t covered.  My grandma on Stef’s side is kinda rich though.  So, she gave us the money for Dudley.”

“Is that Frank’s ex?” Pearl wonders.  “Sharon, right?  I’m back out in the living room, P.S.  Just so you’re not surprised when you get out.”

“Thanks.  And yeah,” Jesus nods.  “Speaking of the swing?  How much was it?  And the curtain?”

“The swing was a few hundred dollars.  The curtain was a few hundred more.  I had to save slowly over about two years.  I bought the swing the first year, and the curtain the next.”  Pearl confides.  “But it was honestly the best use of the money I could imagine.  Being on Social Security, I can’t keep extra money anyway, so it was just as well I spend it on something I need.”

“I can hardly save anything,” Jesus laments.  “Moving in where I live, I needed to pay the rent, plus a security deposit, first of all.  That wiped a lot of my savings.  And then rent every month, besides.  It’s low, but put that with the phone bill, electric bill, cable bill and whatever I gotta spend keeping my car running?  There’s not much after that.  Definitely not hundreds of dollars.”

“Check into a property tax refund,” Pearl encourages.  “We have them here.  And you might qualify, especially if you’re apartment is low-income.”

“Who do I ask?” Jesus wonders, opening a memo on his phone and making a note about property tax refunds.  

Pearl squints.  “Whomever the boss is, I’d say.  Are there offices?”

“Yeah.” Jesus nods.

“So, call there, and say you have a question about property tax refunds,” Pearl coaches.  “You’ll probably have to figure out what to do with the money in kind of a hurry if you do qualify, because God knows, anymore than $2,000 to our name and we don’t need government assistance anymore…” Pearl remarks, annoyed.

“Oh, man…” Jesus gets out of the swing, coming through the curtain and stretches.  

“What?” Pearl asks.

“Dude, we are so old now.  All we’re talking to each other about is insurance and mental health accommodations…”

“That’s important stuff.  Who else are you gonna talk to about that stuff?” Pearl asks rhetorically.  “We’re like a secret society.”

“Right?  You don’t wanna know how many people I’ve hooked up with the number to the Supportive Housing offices.  Just ‘cause they say they’re national, and I figure they might have a heads up on some resources for kids like we were, maybe stuck at home, but needing to get out.”

“I’m glad,” Pearl says.  “And I’m proud of you.  Back when you first spent a week here, you said you wanted to help people.  Be a role model.  And look at you.  Back out here, doing it.”

Jesus glances at her, surprised, and touched.  “Yeah, I guess I am.”


	60. Chapter 60

It takes Levi a little bit to realize that he and Mariana are the only two in the cabin.  Pearl and Jesus are next door, at home, and Dominique and Frankie are out having nature time.  Levi finds Mariana in the living room on the couch with her I-Pad in front of her.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

Mariana sighs, frustrated.  “Trying to catch up on reading I missed so I can eventually go back to school, but at this rate…I’ll be reading forever.  And it’s not like it matters anyway…  Moms don’t think I’m ready to go back.  They plan on keeping me home.  Until I’m 30,” Mariana mutters.

“Why won’t they let you go back?  Like, what did you do that was so bad?” Levi asks.

“You don’t know?” Mariana seems surprised.  “Pearl…Frankie…nobody told you?”

“No,” Levi answers.  “And if you don’t want to, that’s fine.  It just…seems a bit extreme to me…”

“I was in a car accident…a year ago, in March.  I got a brain injury or whatever.  And, yeah, it’s changed me.  But they seem to think…that I’m…some…whatever…damaged…  They treat me…like I’m damaged.  Like they…have to settle…for this broken Mariana…and they resent it.”

Levi just looks at Mariana.  He hopes she can see the compassion in his eyes.  That he cares about her.  “That’s messed up,” he offers.  In case his POV isn’t clear.

“See?  I used to be really smart?  I built robots in high school.  Like…a total math and science geek.  And now…?  I mean, I have  _one_  Elsa moment at home.  Where I, like, took it out on our room.  Wrecked everything in it.  Swore at Frankie when she tried to come in.  But I was trying to protect her.  ‘Cause, like Elsa, I didn’t really know, like, how to do emotions like this.  For the longest time, I didn’t have energy to…do anything…and all of them were trapped…” Mariana shares.  

“Under the cotton?” Levi asks, remembering how Mariana had described her disconnect from her feelings.

“Under the cotton, yeah,” Mariana confirms.“It was when Moms told me I…couldn’t go back to school…because nobody knew if I’d still…be able to…even do it?”

Levi cringes.  “Sounds like a reasonable reaction to me.  Yours, not theirs.  Haven’t your moms ever heard of accommodations?  Kids at my school got them all the time.”

“I mean…Mama works at a Charter school.  That’s where all of us went.  There’s no kids that need accommodations.  Even Frankie is…like…disabled on the DL.  Nobody knows at school and she doesn’t get any help, even where she could really use it.”

“That sounds…so illegal…” Levi breathes.

“I guess Charter schools have the right to do it that way.  Anyway, this is their…like…where they come from.  This world,” Mariana tries to explain.

“Where any disability is hidden?” Levi bristles.

“And so…my reaction…to them…canceling school on me.  College.  Whatever.  They took that as…the biggest ‘inappropriate outburst,’” around this, Mariana makes finger-quotes.  “For a while, they wouldn’t let Fran near me.  Another time?  We were doing game night.  Moms are…  They love Monopoly?” Mariana squints.

“Why?” Levi whines.  “It’s so boring…”

“And…not ideal…for someone who…has trouble with numbers…and filtering…and reading…and stamina,” Mariana lists.

“Yeah, sounds like a rude choice,” Levi comments.

“Oh, it gets ruder.  So Moms decide we’re gonna play Monopoly  _Junior_ …”

“Oh…no, they didn’t…” Levi gasps.  “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Mariana echoes.  “Like I wasn’t gonna notice they suddenly switched from the regular game to the game that 5-year-olds could play.  Frankie was ten.  She’d been playing the real version forever.  She hated the kids version.  Said it was too babyish.”

Levi winces.

“But it was still too much to look at.  Spaces on the board in different colors.  Cards.  Money.  Game pieces.  Dice.  I had a headache to start with.  It was after dinner and I just had no energy left.  Even looking at the board was exhausting me.  I took a turn, and Mom corrected me.  I tried to get up and leave.  She told me I should be a good example.  A good sport.  So I stayed.”

“So you had to stay in overstimulating hell?” Levi asks, sympathetic.

“I took a few more turns.  Every time, I did something wrong.  Grabbed the wrong game piece, misread the dice.  Like, didn’t factor in having to pay for a space someone else owned?  Finally, it was my turn again and I just flipped the board.  Everybody was mad.  And Moms talked behind my back about how unpredictable I was.  How I might not get any better.”

“How do you do it?” Levi asks, incredulous.  “How do you stay?”

“Someone’s gotta be there for Frankie.  They treat her…not the same…but they don’t factor her CP in at all.  It’s not fair.”

“If you guys ever need a friend?  Video chat me.  I’ll always be around.  Except if I’m working in hell, as Pearl calls it.”

“You gotta get fired from there…” Mariana objects.  

“Get fired from hell?” Levi smirks.  “Nah, I could never.  We need groceries.  Plus, it’s not like Peanut Butter Cookie can bother me anymore.”

“I know, I just…  You hate it there.” Mariana points out.

“I really do.  But it’s a job.  It pays the bills….actually it only pays the grocery bill, but that’s something.”

“It is.” Mari nods.  “Are you okay?  Like…with all the stuff this week?”

“Nervous about going back…” Levi confides, nodding next door.  “Last time I was there?  It was like, she tossed the place.  Like she was looking for something.  Everything was there.  She didn’t take anything.  But it still feels…” Levi trails off.

“Like, yeah, I know what you mean.  The only thing I can think of is aliens arriving…”

“Because alien invasion,” Levi’s eyes light up.  “It is!  It’s an invasion.  I love how your mind works.”

Mariana scoffs.  “You don’t have to say that…”

“I know I don’t.  But it’s true.  I think it’s cool.  The connections.  The approximations.  How you cope.” Levi observes.

“Moms keep telling me I need to keep working.  In therapy or whatever.  They don’t want me to plateau,” Mariana wrinkles her nose.  

Levi looks at her, confused.

“I guess it’s this thing, in brain injury recovery?  Once you reach a certain point of progress, you just…”  Mariana demonstrates an upward slant suddenly leveling flat, and staying flat.

“Oh,” Levi says.

“Yeah.  They wanted Frankie and me to come here.  Like, so they could have a break.  But they also tried to get me to stay at the last minute.  To keep doing rehab stuff.  And, of course, I wanna improve.  But they don’t get that sometimes?   _I_  need a break.”

“I get that,” Levi says.

“But they think I shouldn’t get a break until I’m back…” Mariana looks away and blinks back tears.

“Back?” Levi echoes, concerned.

“Mariana, the math genius…” she manages.

Levi just listens.  Opens his arms and she scoots closer, nodding. Levi puts his arms around her.  Just holds on.  “They’re so mean to you,” he says, sympathetic.  “You don’t deserve that.”

He just holds on for a while, glad to be able to be here for Mariana, when she’s come through at some major times for him.  Levi’s glad that he can reciprocate.

Eventually she backs out of the hug, and wipes her eyes.  “Sorry.  It’s just like…this is my life now.  And I can’t even share it with Jesus.  ‘Cause he’s not there.” Mariana shrugs.

“I’m glad you came,” Levi tells her.  

“I’m glad you were here,” Mari tells him.

It’s quiet for a while.  But neither one of them rush to fill the silence.  Eventually, he offers.  “If you need…like if…audio’s better?  I can read that out loud?” Levi gestures to her tablet.

“No, you don’t have to.  It’s boring,” Mariana insists.

“I’m offering,” Levi points out, matter of fact.

“Okay.  Just…however fast you usually read?  Can you slow that way down?” Mariana wonders.

“Sure,” Levi agrees, and for a while he just reads aloud.  The material’s dense, so reading slowly is a good idea all around.  

After a few pages, Mariana stops him.  “Okay, that’s enough for now.”

“Okay,” Levi agrees and sets the tablet aside.

“See?  If I said that to my moms?  They’d instantly push back.  Want me to do more.”

“Well, there’s these things called boundaries, and respect and consent.  Maybe they’ve heard of them,” Levi quips.

“Oh, they have.  They just think…they only apply to Jesus.  And even then?  Only sometimes.”

Levi makes a face.

Then, he takes a breath.  Hesitantly.  “Speaking of not pushing…” Levi ventures.  “I really appreciate how you haven’t pushed to know specifics of…”

“Peanut Butter Cookie?” Mariana fills in.

“Right,” Levi nods.  “If it were me and Pearl knew something but I didn’t, I know I’d probably feel really left out and like it was personal.  I’m glad you get that this isn’t.  Personal.  And at the same time, it is.  Very personal,” Levi manages.

“I get it.  I had a thing happen.   _Things_  happen.  When I was little.  Usually, Jesus was around to stop it, but if he ever wasn’t or fell asleep.” Mariana shrugs.

“I’m sorry.” Levi apologizes and means it.  And then, “I had a thing happen, too.”

“It changes you,” Mariana allows.

“Yeah.  I guess I’m realizing…trauma does that…” Levi manages.

“We have a group if you wanna join,” Mariana offers.

“I’m already in The Avoiders.  Like, officially,” Levi says, confused.

“Yeah, this is different.  A support group?  For people, who’ve had the things happen to them.” Mariana explains.  “I’m in it, and you might recognize some other people, too.”

“So, it wouldn’t just be me and strangers?” Levi asks.

“Nope,” Mariana says.  “And it’s online, so you don’t have to go anywhere.  But no pressure.”

“I wanted to thank you,” Levi says clearing his throat.  “I mean, while we still have time…for being there for me through all the versions of Peanut Butter Cookie.”  Levi reaches in his pocket.  Pulls out the apple hand sanitizer.  “Thought you might want this back.”

“No, keep it,” Mariana insists.  “I have peach and cucumber melon in my purse, so…”

“Oh, wow.  But I got apple, because…” Levi wonders.

“It’s the strongest.  I know sensory triggers are the worst.  I know we need something strong to fight them.” Mariana says simply.

“Can I have details on this group?  For people who’ve had things happen?”

“Yeah.  It’s Friday nights.  8:45.  The time changes, but that’s what it’s been.” Mariana fills him in.

Levi makes a note in his phone.  He watches Mariana do the same.  

“So, I’ll remember to add you into the call.” Mariana says.  “And obviously, this group is like…private.  Like, we don’t share names or details or anything about anybody else.  And nobody else shares about you ever.”

“Got it,” Levi nods.  “Thanks for including me.”

“You’re one of us.  You’re always included.” Mariana insists.

They sit together for a while longer.  Exchange birthdays so they can put them in their calendars.

“Can I like…put an L in every April?” Mariana checks.  “So I know to check in with you about Peanut Butter Cookie?”

“Can I know your traumaversary date?” Levi asks.  “So I can check in with you?”

“March 4th,” Mariana confides.

“Cool if I put an M there?” Levi checks.

Mariana nods.

“You like cards?  Or think they’re corny?” he asks.

“I like cards,” she nods.  “You?”

“Not sure there’s a card for that…” Levi bristles.

“Video chat?” she checks.  

“Yeah.  I’d love to see your face.  Whenever,” Levi says.

Mariana blushes.  

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it..like that…” Levi stutters.  “I mean, I would love to see you, I just…made it super awkward.  I’m sorry.” Levi grins, embarrassed.

Mariana laughs.  Levi realizes this might be one of the first times he’s heard it.  Or really tuned into it.  It’s like music.  He’s gonna miss all of them when they go.  But maybe, especially, Mariana.  Even though they haven’t spoken a ton, Levi has always felt understood by her.  And judging by her openness with him?  Levi might venture to say Mari feels similarly.

He just can’t imagine being without her.  Without all of them.  Come tomorrow.

“Super awkward is perfect for me,” Mariana reassures. “Same?”

“So same, I can’t believe it,” Levi smiles.


	61. Chapter 61

For dinner, their last night together, it’s kinda fitting that Pearl suggests tatertot hotdish.  It’s the same thing she packed for Jesus to take on the trip home with him, and she has a ton left.  So, it’s heating in the pan in their oven.  

Jesus is a bit more relaxed about this meal.  He trusts Pearl with tatertot hotdish because of his history with it.  Because she’s proven to him that she’ll go out of her way - with this food - to make sure he’s safe.

They all sit at the table together.  Levi’s still next to Jesus, because Jesus is pretty sure unless he gives Levi specific directions that he doesn’t need Levi to sit by him?  Levi will just keep assuming he does, and keep doing it.

It’s kinda awesome.  To not have to repeatedly ask his friends to accommodate him.  That they just get it.

The hotdish looks different this time, but Jesus can’t put his finger on why until he tastes it.  

“Pearl, what did you do to this?  It’s even better now,” Jesus wonders, around a bite.

“Oh, it’s nothing.  Just got a little creative, over the years.  This one also had Levi’s seal of approval, so I figured it was a safe bet.”

“It’s really freaking amazing,” Jesus insists.

“So…I know we didn’t talk about this…like, I didn’t ask you…” Mariana ventures.  Jesus thinks for a minute she might be talking to him, but she’s talking to Levi.  “But I was thinking…like…if you’d feel better if all of us went next door with you once, before we go?  So you could feel extra protected?”

Levi blinks.  “I guess…  Yeah, that’d be cool.  I know a few of you already went over there with us.  But if you all wanted to come, that’d be cool.”

“I do.  I love your cabin,” Francesca pipes up around a bite of hotdish.  “Do you ever use the swing, Levi?”

Jesus is surprised that Frankie’s asking the very question Jesus had thought himself.

“Nah, it’s Pearl’s,” he says.

“She shares,” Francesca tells him seriously.

“Yeah,” Pearl adds, smiling.  “I share.  If you ever wanna try it out, you’re welcome to.  You live there, now, too.”

“I know.  I just…didn’t wanna be rude, or whatever.” Levi ventures.

“It’s not rude if you ask first,” Francesca insists.  “And only use it if Pearl says yes.”

“Good to know,” Levi nods.

“Hey! Did you guys know that how I jump from fire alarms and being scared is a CP thing?”

“Is it really?” Pearl asks, interested.

“Yeah,” Frankie nods.  “Dominique and I Googled it.  We read a thing by another person with CP like me.  She said fire alarms scared her.”

“What do you think about that?” Jesus asks.

“It’s pretty good,” Francesca nods, satisfied.  “Because it makes me feel not-alone.”

“That is pretty good,” he nods.

“Sorry I keep talking,” Francesca apologizes.  “I just have one more thing to say.  A question.”

“What is it?” Jesus asks.

“Well, it’s for Mariana,” Francesca says, turning to her.  “Because you’re the only person here who might know the answer.”

Jesus listens as a hush falls over the table.  It’s not that anybody’s particularly into whatever gossip they might learn.  It’s out of respect for Mari.  Minimizing the crosstalk for her, so she has less to filter.  Jesus is gonna miss the hell out of the Avoiders, who just seamlessly adapt like this.  And Jesus is pretty sure Mariana and Frankie will miss it even more.

“Okay,” Mariana nods.  “What’s up?”

“Do you…  Well, I mean…” Francesca casts a worried look to Pearl.  To Dominique.  Jesus wonders what they know.

“You’re doing fine,” Dominique encourages Francesca.  “You can ask.  You don’t need to feel scared or ashamed.”

“I can’t help it…” Francesca giggles, nervous.  “I keep feeling like I’m gonna get ignored…or in trouble.  One of those.”

“Well, I won’t ignore you,” Mari reassures.  “And if it’s something you’re really wondering, I’ll know you’re not…like…”

“Acting out?” Jesus asks, attempting to fill in Mariana’s blank.

“Right.  So you wouldn’t be in trouble,” Mariana finishes.

“It’s just…  Do you know who my dad is?  Pearl just found out who her dad is and I can’t stop wondering.  About mine.  Moms won’t say anything about him.”

Jesus watches as Mariana opens her mouth.  Closes it.  “Um…I do know…” she admits, squinting.  “Just not sure if I can think of his name right now.”

“Well whenever you do think of it?  Will you tell me?” Francesca asks.  “It’s important.”

“Of course I will.  Yeah.” Mariana nods.

“Promise?” Francesca asks.  “Because Moms always act like it’s some big secret I can’t know.”

“Yeah…” Jesus mutters under his breath.

“What?” Levi asks.

“I just…don’t agree with hiding that kind of info from a kid.” Jesus comments, disapproving.

“I’ll tell you.  When I remember.  I promise,” Mariana says.  “And thanks.  For knowing I will remember, and not…acting like I won’t.”

Francesca shrugs.  “You don’t treat me like a baby.  I don’t treat you like a baby.  Bam.  Respect.  By the way?  Sorry if I was supposed to wait for Feelings Time to tell you that, Mari.  Just…I waited a long time already.”

“I get it,” Mariana reassures.  “No one’s mad.  Keep eating, though.”

Jesus tenses just a little, but Dudley’s here.  Sitting right where Jesus can always feel him.

“She was telling Francesca,” Levi murmurs.  “And it’s like Mari said.  No one’s mad.”

“Right,” Jesus breathes.

“Levi?  Is it cool if we go out on the dock in a bit?” Dominique asks.

“Oh my God, I was hoping, yeah.” Levi nods.

“Are you okay staying in, babe?  We’re not trying to leave you out,” Dominique reassures Francesca.

“I know.  I got to go out on the dock with you guys.  It was good.  But just like, regular-good, not like amazing-good.  So, I can stay and be Pearl’s assistant for Feelings Time snacks.  Or Mariana.  Or Jesus.  Whoever wants to make them,” Francesca reasons.

“Okay, sounds good,” Dominique smiles.

–

“So, would y’all really be cool with walking me back next door sometime?” Levi asks.

“Yeah,” Dominique nods.  “Maybe when we’re done here.  Before we head back inside?”

“If you’re sure it’s fine,” Levi insists.

“It is,” Dominique nods.

It’s quiet.  And Dominique doesn’t wanna think about what’s coming.  About the idea of leaving Levi behind here.  Even, leaving Pearl.  They’ve both proven themselves over the week.  To be solid people.  Friends she’d want in her corner in the best of times.  And in the worst.

“So…did your sis talk to you?” Dominique asks.  

“About her mean Grandma?” Levi side-eyes her.  “Yeah, she did.  We’re actually gonna meet up with my mom sometime.  Have dinner.”

“Without mean Grandma, right?” Dominique confirms.

“Oh, she is definitely not invited.  I hope Pearl changes her number again though.  And I hope her family stops bugging us…”

“Let me know how family dinner goes?” Dominique asks.  “My parents are big fans of those.  We do spaghetti a lot of times.”

“My mom and I make lasagna,” Levi confesses.  “We haven’t in a while.  But, it’s about time.  Hey, what if…” he swallows.  “What if…Carla comes around again?  What if she, like, emails, or starts harassing us?  Does that mean Jesus is really gonna out all the stuff she did to me?  Like…maybe she doesn’t really think anybody has dirt on her?”

“Jesus is smart,” Dominique reassures.  “He’ll find a way to hit her where it hurts, while also respecting you and Pearl.”

“But like…” Levi shudders.  “I just…don’t want it getting out.  It’s weird.  ‘Cause part of me?  I feel like, what am I hiding for?   Why am I ashamed?  She should feel that.  I should get to talk the hell about it if I want to.  But then the other part of me…is scared to death.”

“‘Cause she threatened you,” Dominique says.  She has a way of asking questions so they aren’t questions.  Because she’s pretty sure she’s onto something.

“Hell yeah, she did.  There’s this proof I got.  That she probably got, too, still?  I mean, the way Pearl never gave her a key and she had that?  The way she tossed the cabin?  It’s like she was looking for mine.  Even if she did, though, she wouldn’t be able to get in it…” Levi reaches for the beaded lanyard Dominique has noticed - purple and black - around his neck.  He pulls it out from under his tee shirt.  Several keys are on it.  “Lock box key, with all the rest,” he gestures.  

“Smart,” Dominique breathes, impressed.

“Figured she wouldn’t notice it, even if she noticed…” Levi tucks the necklace back beneath his shirt.

His words about Carla not noticing one key with all the others makes Dominique think of how she couches her lies similarly.  Hidden among several truths, they are less likely to stick out.  Strangely, she has no desire to lie right now.

“Don’t wanna go,” Dominique admits.  “I mean, I do.  I miss Roberta so much I keep dreaming of her.”

“What do you dream?” Levi asks, intrigued.

“Last night?  I dreamed she went to Broadway to watch shows without me.  And she was angry ‘cause the ushers kept kicking her out of the theaters.”

“You said she’s your cat, right?” Levi mentions, laughing.

“Yeah.  She likes showtunes.” Dominique insists, as serious as she can be, ‘til she starts laughing, too.  “She really, actually does.  Her favorite’s  _RENT_.  Least favorite’s  _Cats_.”

“Huh.”  Levi muses.

Dominique’s sure he’s about to say he’s not familiar with either of those, when he starts to sing.  And his voice…is easily one of the most incredible she has ever heard:

“ _Love doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints.  It takes and it takes and it takes.  And we keep loving anyway.  We laugh and we cry and we break and we make our mistakes.  And if there’s a reason I’m by her side when so many have tried, then I’m willing to wait for it.  I’m willing to wait for it_ …”   

“Okay,” Dominique smiles.

“Does Roberta have an opinion on  _Hamilton_?” Levi asks.

“She likes a good  _Cabinet Battle_ ,” Dominique shares.  “Both of them.  I think she just likes the rapping.”

“Ah, okay!” Levi smiles.  “A cat with some taste!  I like that!”

“All my friends can sing, and it’s like, this big secret…” Dominique mutters, laughing to herself.

“What do you mean?” Levi asks.

“I mean, y’all are more like me than I thought,” Dominique confesses.  “But especially you.  None of these guys know musicals.  I’m teaching Francesca.  She wants to learn some songs so Roberta will like her?  But I don’t think it’s really her scene.”

“She can sing, though?” Levi asks.

“She can.  Mariana can.  You can,” Dominique lists.

“I assume you can,” Levi says.

“You’d assume correctly.  But I’m not about to right now.  I’m done with that performing on demand shit,” she mutters, sliding from carefree conversation to the opposite in half a second flat.

“I won’t ask you to,” Levi says, quiet.

“People used to.  You know?” she comments, catching his eye for a second and then looking back out at the lake.

“Avoiders don’t make each other do anything we don’t feel comfortable doing.  I didn’t mean to…like…put you on the spot about singing.  You just…seem to know a lot of Broadway.  Pearl doesn’t.  Can’t sing a lick, either.”

Dominique sighs.  “So, you were just looking to relate?”

“I guess, yeah.  Nobody up here is really into that.  Everybody’s super conservative.” He wrinkles his nose.

“Nasty,” Dominique shakes her head.  “So…y’all have zero mental health services.  Living right close to the people who hurt you both.  And the town’s full of conservatives?”

“I know, right?” Levi winces.

“You gotta get out of here…” Dominique laughs nervously.  

“I know,” Levi grins, nervous, too.

“Seriously.  This is a bad place for y’all to be.  Come to California.  One of Pearl’s friends?  Char?  She lives in LA.” Dominique adds.

“And?” Levi asks.

“And, maybe if you didn’t wanna live at Gateway with Jesus and I, Char would let you and Pearl live with her.  Oh.  Maybe not.  Shoot.  Okay.” Dominique goes quiet again.  “I’ll keep thinking.”

“Maybe we could all just stay…” Levi sighs.  “You know?  Maybe time could stop?  And everything could just stay like this?”

“But with like a quick scenery change,” Dominique suggests.  “Where we all just snapped our fingers and landed in San Diego.  With sun, mental health services, and open-minded people.  And two-thirds of the Avoiders…”

“Oh, God, if only,” Levi laughs, but there are tears in his eyes.

“Yeah,” Dominique echoes.  “If only…”


	62. Chapter 62

Levi’s pretty sure that by the time he and Dominique are back from their last Dock Talk (God, that thought makes him so sad…) everybody will have forgotten all about going with him next door.  But, turns out, as he squints in the sun, Levi can see Pearl, Jesus, Mariana and Francesca all waiting on the back step for them.

“So, Levi, if you need me to spy for anybody, just let me know.  I’m the best backup for spying.” Francesca reassures.

“You guys…you don’t have to do this…  It’s like eating into Feelings Time, and…” Levi hesitates.

“This is an important part of Feelings Time,” Pearl argues gently.  “You feeling safe at home is important.  And if you need all The Avoiders as backup to know it’s safe to go back?  We’re all happy to do that with you.”

“Well, thank you,” Levi admits, ducking his head.  Really, he’d just been hoping they’d forget all about it so that Levi could put it off some more.  But the more Levi thinks about it, the more sense it actually makes to go in there with a ton of backup.

Way too soon, they’re at the door.

“You wanna do the honors?” Pearl asks.  

Hesitantly, Levi takes out the key Pearl gave him, on the stress-cow keychain.  He’s glad it’s not still on Carla’s keychain.  That would feel too gross.

Behind him, Jesus says, “Hold up,” and slides his headphones into place over his ears.  Then nods.

Levi’s confused, but unlocks the door.  It’s a bit cleaner now.  A bit better.  He knows Pearl, Mari and Francesca had gone through and picked up the living room together last time.  But Levi still has not been able to really touch his room at all, except for checking his closet that his lock box was still there.

The idea that she was in there, looking at all his stuff, touching his bed?  It makes Levi nauseous.  But he’s also glad he had his laptop with him.  Knows that as Pearl doesn’t sleep in a bedroom, having the living room tossed was an awful invasion of privacy.  She still hasn’t even touched her laptop, to Levi’s knowledge.  Maybe she will now, with The Avoiders as backup.

They stand in the living room, not really moving until Pearl finally does.  Cleo’s whining.  She gets that something’s still not right.  She did it before, too.  It’s like she could smell Carla in here.

“So, where should we start?” Mariana asks.

“Doing what?” Levi asks.

“Well, you guys wanna feel safe here, right.  So we wanna help you make it like you left it.” Mariana answers.

“Wherever you see an obvious mess, if you feel comfortable, you can tidy it.  But Jesus, Levi, Dominique?  No pressure.” Pearl reassures.  

“Why, Dominique, no pressure?” Dom asks, suspicious.

“Because, you seemed especially sensitive to Peanut Butter Cookie’s vibes.  So, feel free to avoid them.”  Pearl reassures.

Resolutely, Levi heads downstairs to his room.  

“Can I come?” Jesus asks.

“Can  _I_?” Francesca echoes.

“Yeah, come on,” Levi nods.  He figures it might be better, if both he and Jesus have trauma and cleaning issues, to have Francesca (who doesn’t) with them, too.

Levi takes a deep breath and opens his door.  Gives his room a once over.  His heartbeat picks up in his chest, looking at the mess his previously spotless room is.  The bed’s got the quilt and the sheet thrown back.  Pillow on the floor.  Mattress is crooked on the boxspring.  Closet doors open.  The weird fabric drape Pearl hung over his bedside table is rumpled in a way that suggests Carla was looking for something.

“She messed this up,” Francesca observes, breathless.  “Why?”

“Because she’s terrible,” Jesus fills in.

Gingerly, Francesca steps inside and picks up Levi’s pillow from the floor.  Sets in on his bed.

Levi and Jesus exchange looks, as Francesca goes about pulling the sheet to rights, talking softly to herself: “We gotta fix this.  Nobody messes with The Avoiders.”  She looks over her shoulder at Levi, sympathetic.  “Don’t worry, Levi.  I’ll fix this all up.”

“Thanks,” he manages.  Somehow, though, he’s rooted to the spot until Francesca’s managed to pull the quilt back up, too.  It’s not the neatest job, but it’s ten times better than seeing what Carla had done.  

When Francesca’s done, Levi watches as Jesus swallows and walks up to the bed, straightening out the boxspring and the drape thing on his table.

Finally, Levi can go inside, too.  He risks another look at his closet.  Makes sure all his clothes are there.  Hung up.  Double checks that his lock box is secure in the most unreachable dark corner, under some shelves.  She hadn’t found it there once.  That meant his hiding place still worked.

–

Pearl had waited until Francesca left with Levi and Jesus to risk checking on her laptop.  She’s put it off long enough.  Finally, Pearl dares turn it on.  But she loses courage at the last second, and decides to redirect.  

First, she goes through her journal, which Levi has always respected, wherever Pearl left it last.  Usually, it’s tucked between the couch cushions, but ever since Mom’s been here, it’s been dead center on the coffee table.  Finally, Pearl takes a deep breath and opens it, with Mariana and Dominique on either side.  She finds pages where she’s mentioned Mom, scrawled with red ink.  Whole passages are crossed out, with NO’s written in all caps, beside things she does not agree with.

(Seriously.  Her only saving grace is that Pearl had not written anything about Levi disclosing to her.  Pearl couldn’t imagine Levi’s betrayal if he knew her mom knew he’d said anything.)

“Well, this is garbage,” Pearl sighs.  It breaks her heart, too, because this was the journal she had managed to keep writing in after losing Gracie.  It still has some Gracie references in it, at the beginning.  

Suddenly, Pearl flips to the front of her journal, where she’d tucked several pictures of Gracie.  As a puppy, still being trained.  A favorite picture from around the time Jesus visited the first time, side by side with Pearl.  And a photo of Grace near the end of her life, going grey, but still so loyal.  So there.  So everything.  

All the pictures are gone.

Pearl swallows her tears and angrily goes to her computer, clicking keys loudly.  Instantly sees the email is still there as it has been.  Pearl hasn’t managed to click on it yet.  Anything titled “Love you!!!” from her mother? Was highly suspect.

“What is it?” Dominique asks.

“She took all the pictures of my dog,” Pearl remarks, wiping her eyes.  “I had some in my journal and they’re gone.  I’ve had this email from her since then, too.  And I can’t read it.  I might wanna curl up in a corner and never come out.”

“I can delete it.  Or read it and delete it.  Whatever,” she offers.

“Yeah, read it, please, I’d always rather know what’s going through her mind.  If you’re okay.” Pearl double checks.

“Oh, I got this.  You want me to share anything?  Highlights, so we can mock it?” Dominique wonders.

“Sure,” Pearl manages.

“Good morning…Pearl, she says she hopes you’re well, I doubt that,” Dominique comments.  “She’s made many mistakes but she can’t figure out why you don’t wanna talk to her.”

“Yeah, she knows.” Pearl nods.

“Hateful, judgemental, unforgiving, wow…” Dominique breathes.  “Don’t be so hateful and judge so much.  She’s only human.  And, oh…my God.  Your mother.” Dominique scoffs, a smile somehow on her face.  “ _Life is short and the only guarantee is death_.”

“Dramatic much?” Mariana asks.

“Right?” Pearl asks back, cuddling Cleo, and feeling the tremendous ache in her heart without her favorite pictures of Gracie to remember her by.  “Anything else?”

“She’s…judging your world.  And wondering why you wouldn’t want to come do all the things with her…  Hmm, I wonder.  Also…shit.”

“What?” Pearl asks.

“She said she expects a response, same day, or she’s coming out here, and you’ll regret it.  I guess she meant this?” Dominique asks.

“I guess so.” Pearl nods.

“Okay, so get this?  It ends:  _Love you no matter what_ , with about a thousand exclamation points….” Dominique remarks, skeptical.

“Gross,” Mariana scoffs.

“But so typical…” Pearl sighs.

–

Francesca’s doing her best to make sure all the blankets on Levi’s bed are perfectly straight because that’s how he makes it.  Levi’s still cleaning his closet.  Jesus and Dudley are supervising.

She’s up by the top of the bed, by the wall, when she slips a little on something.  She looks down on the floor, and reads the piece of paper.  Tucks it into her fanny pack.

“Levi, is that the way your bed usually looks?” Francesca asks, swallowing.  Hoping she doesn’t look like she’s hiding something.  Avoiders don’t lie, but maybe they should about this.

“Yeah, looks good.  Thank you.”

“I gotta go pee,” she lies.  (Hoping Jesus and Levi will forgive her.)  Instead, she finds Mariana on the couch and nods at her, toward the door.

“Be back guys,” Mariana reassures.  “What’s up?” she asks, as soon as the doors to Pearl and Levi’s cabin are closed.

“I found something I think from Pearl’s mom.  In Levi’s room.”  Francesca kneels on the grass and unzips her fanny pack.  Takes the piece of paper out.  Shows Mari.

_Keep your mouth shut you little shit_.

Mariana breathes.  “Did you read this?”

“Yeah,” Francesca admits.

“Did Levi?” Mari asks.

“No.  I kinda lied about finding it.  I didn’t want him to be scared.  He said she’s his trauma.  Like the bad guy who took Jesus is Jesus’s trauma.  If that bad guy wrote Jesus something like this, we wouldn’t want Jesus to see it, right?”  Francesca asks, eyes wide.

“No,” Mariana shakes her head.  “But we don’t choose for each other.  Levi has the right to know about this.”

“I don’t want him to.  I don’t want her to come back and get him, maybe.” Francesca worries.

“She won’t.  She wrote this before Jesus made her leave Pearl and Levi alone.” Mariana insists.

“So, I have to show him this?” Francesca asks.

“That would be the respectful thing to do, yeah.” Mari says, like she’s sad about it.

Francesca walks slowly to the door and pulls it open.  Finds Pearl crying and hugging Levi.  Jesus clicking buttons on his phone.  Dominique asking where the trash is on Pearl’s laptop.

“Um…Levi?” Francesca asks.  (She can feel that Mariana’s come up behind her.  Has a hand on her shoulder.  “I found this when I was fixing your bed…” she admits, holding out the piece of paper.

“Okay…” he says, quiet.  He walks over to take it from her.  

“It has one bad word in it,” she cautions.

“Thanks for the heads up…” he whispers, but then Francesca watches him read and get pale.

Jesus walks up, too.  “What is it, man?” he asks Levi, and Levi gives him the paper.

“This is her acting out because she’s losing her power.  And she did this before I told her I’d go public with all the shit everybody in town has on her.” Jesus says it calmly.  Francesca doesn’t totally understand.  But she does feel safe, because Jesus makes sure they are.  It’s one of his best skills.  Francesca hopes she can be as good at Jesus at protecting someday.

“I got an email but it wasn’t current either,” Pearl admits.

“Okay?  So you guys are okay,” Jesus reassures.

“Yeah, she can’t hurt you anymore,” Francesca insists.  

“She stole my best pictures of Gracie…” Pearl manages.

“No, she didn’t,” Levi tells her.  He reaches into his pocket.  “Jesus found these in my trash can.  I think she was trying to pin it on me.  But you know I haven’t even been here, right?” he asks, offering the pictures.

“Oh my God, are you serious?” Pearl asks.  She grabs the pictures and looks at them like they’re treasure.  “Oh God, Gracie…” Pearl says a bunch of times.  “They’re not even wrinkled or ripped?”

“No, just there.  Like she wanted you to find them there,” Jesus says.  “Face-up.”

“She’s a piece of work…” Pearl says.

“I still feel like she’s gonna…I don’t know…” Levi manages.  “But I didn’t do that, I promise.  I didn’t steal your pictures of Gracie.  Please don’t kick me out…”

“I’m not kicking you out.  I know you didn’t do it.  Let’s go.  You can throw that away,” Pearl says, noticing the note from her mom in Levi’s hand.

“Can we still have Feelings Time?” Francesca asks.  “Even though it’s getting later?”

“Definitely,” Jesus says, coming up and asking to put an arm around Francesca and Mariana.  Ahead of them, Levi has one arm around Pearl and Dominique is walking next to them.

All the Avoiders together.

 


	63. Chapter 63

Francesca’s super bummed because it’s already 7:00.  Her bedtime is 8:00 on weekdays.  Even though it’s not a weekday, they’ll have to be up way early tomorrow.  Like, when it’s still dark out, in order to get to the airport in enough time to make their flight.  So Mariana said in private that it was a good idea for them all to really try to get sleep tonight, and for Francesca to go by school-day bedtime.

Even though it makes sense, it also kinda makes Francesca want to cry.  Being there for Levi and helping him clean his room after Peanut Butter Cookie came and messed it all up was important, and Francesca knows that.  But she also wishes the time could stretch out, the way it does at school, where the minutes take forever during gym or math or science, or some other class she hates.

Right now, they’re going by too fast, like it’s recess.

It means they only have one hour of Feelings Time, not the usual two.

“What’s up, buddy?” Jesus asks, and Francesca’s glad he’s back to calling her his buddy again.  

“I only have an hour until bedtime.  So less Feelings Time…” Francesca confides, stopping short at the Avoidance table outside their cabin.  Jesus joins her.  Then Levi.  Then Pearl, Dominique and Mari on the other side.

“Well, so we prioritize.  What’s the most important thing you want us to know?” Pearl asks.

“I don’t know!” Francesca shrugs.  “It’s too much pressure…”

“Okay.  Is there something anyone else wants to share?” Pearl wonders.  “Or that we agree we wanna have happen in Feelings Time tonight?”

“A picture,” Francesca offers.  “I know I can’t really ask this and have it be fair because we’re not all comfortable with pictures…but I really want one of all of us together.  All of us Avoiders.”

“I think it’s worth having a conversation about,” Jesus offers.

Francesca feels her sadness lift a little.  Conversations are good.  “Okay.  About how whichever of us feels the most awkward about pictures can have the most say over them?”

“Something like that…” Jesus allows.

“So, I remember this conversation, I think.  Or a similar one.  Right?” Pearl asks Jesus.  “From before you left last time?”

“Yeah,” Jesus offers.  “So, what if, we all get the chance to offer a suggestion about picture-taking.  Like, if it’s a full on accommodation, that’s cool and if it’s a suggestion or a lowkey wish.  But if everybody could offer something that’d help so those of us who don’t feel okay could feel supported asking for what we need.”

“I need nobody to tell me to smile nice…” Francesca offers.  “Sometimes, when I’m my most happy, Moms are like ‘Tone it down, Fran.  Less mouth.  Put your chin down.’”

“Oh, babe.  That’s your CP, making your smile that big!” Dominique shares, matter of fact, proud.  “It’s muscle movement stuff.  We’d never critique your smile.  We love your smile.”

“Really?” Francesca asks, shy.  Dominique knows so much.  She must really see a lot of kids with CP at the hospital.  They must all have big smiles like her.

Mariana raises her hand.  “Kinda along the same lines…  I don’t really like my smile.  It changed when…  Last year…  Whenever…  My face changed.  I need you guys to know I don’t love how it looks.  Just…maybe don’t comment on me?”

“Okay.  We won’t,” Francesca promises.  “I know what it’s like to not want anybody to notice mine.”

“I know this isn’t…exactly what you meant, maybe, Jesus?” Dominique starts.  “But would y’all be okay if I took the picture?”

Dominique takes the best pictures.  She’s definitely the best out of all of them at it, even though Francesca takes pretty good ones, too.

Francesca looks at Dominique, looking at Jesus.  She knows to wait for consent from the ones who are least comfortable before saying yes.  Because it might make the ones like Jesus with picture-trauma feel pressure to agree.

“Could I see it after you take it?” he asks.

“Absolutely.  And I’d be real obvious about taking it.” Dominique promises.

“None of that feature that takes the pics really quick all in a row?” Jesus asks.

“No.” Dominique promises.

“Can you…not say to smile?  Say cheese or whatever?’ Levi asks.  

“I won’t police your emotion,” Dominique promises.

“And can we not share it on social media?” Jesus asks.

He waits til everybody says they agree.  Then Levi and Jesus say Dominique can be the photographer.

“Wait, what about Pearl?” Francesca asks.  “She didn’t get to say a thing about pictures.”

“Aw,” Pearl says.  “Thanks, Francesca.  Let’s see…are dogs welcome?  Mom always tried to find ways to exclude Gracie from pictures…” she confides.

Gracie was the prettiest dog.  And the best.  It’s her face Frankie remembers from after falling down all the stairs at the cabin.  Her softness.  Her gentleness.

“In the Avoiders official picture?” Dominique asks.  “Of course.  Dudley and Cleo should be in on it.  That makes me miss my cat, though…” Dominique makes a sad face.

Francesca doesn’t really miss Roberta, but she doesn’t tell Dominique that because it would hurt her feelings.

Finally, it’s time to take the picture.  Dominique asks how comfortable they feel climbing on the picnic table, sitting on it, bunched up behind Dominique so she can get a good angle.

People don’t think so, but Francesca’s a great climber.  And Levi makes sure to guard her, to make sure she keeps her balance.  Then, Dominique raises her phone.  

“One last consent check.  Everybody still on board with this?” Dominique checks.

Francesca holds her breath.  She hopes nobody says no even though they are all humans and have the right to.  She really wants this picture of all of them together.  Luckily they all nod.

“Nobody needs an out?”

Heads shake no.

“Everybody feeling present?” Dominique wonders, camera still down.

Francesca’s confused.  Until she sees Levi shake his head a little.

“You’re not?” she asks, quiet.  Francesca calls a pause so she’s sure Dominique notices.

Dominique puts her phone down on the table, screen side down.

“Sometimes it helps to hold on tight to people around you.  You can hold on tight to me.  So I don’t lose my balance,” Francesca offers, soft.

Levi puts an arm around Francesca.  She squeezes his hands tight after he says it’s okay.  Then he looks like he’s more here.  Not hiding from bad memories.  She sees him give a thumbs up to Dominique.

“All right.  One, two, three, Avoiders!” Dominique cues.

“Avoiders!”  They all say it at the same time.  Jesus and Levi each take a long time looking at the picture.  Levi still has his arm around Francesca for balance.

“I think this is the best picture,” Francesca decides.

They go inside after that, because it’s starting to get dark a little.  And also they don’t have snacks out here.  They get some grape soda, and Levi offers some pizza Pringles.  Jesus gets the Hostess cupcakes and Junior Mints.  Even though Francesca really wants some of both of Jesus’s snacks, she doesn’t ask, because they’re his specific ones.

She tries to be okay with that.  It’s easier when Mariana breaks out her secret stash of dark chocolate raspberry ice cream.  With the chips and the soda it tastes like the greatest thing ever.  Francesca doesn’t even miss Mountain Dew.

“So, Feelings Time should have some feelings in it.  What do you guys think?” Pearl begins.

“I feel sad Peanut Butter Cookie wrote you that mean note, Levi.  And tried to make it seem like you threw away pictures of Gracie when it was really her.” Francesca tells him.

“How do you feel about it?” Pearl asks Levi.

“Scared,” he confesses, not really eating any of the snacks, not even the ones he brought.  “Because she was in my space.”

Francesca shivers a little.  It reminds her of the time Moms came in  their room at home and yelled at Mariana for making a huge mess in it.  For swearing at Francesca.  It was back when Francesca thought she was Other Mariana.  But she was really herself the whole time.  Just needing accommodations.  And also love and understanding.

She remembers how Moms went through with garbage bags and threw out a bunch of their stuff that got broken and some that didn’t.  How Mariana started crying.  And they said she  _should_  feel bad.

They left the bags behind because there was a lot of them and went to bed, and it was quiet for a long time, so Francesca thought Mariana was asleep, but she was moving around, walking to Fran’s bed, whispering (because they have an intercom in their room which is like having Moms in it all the time and zero privacy ever since Mari got back).

She was whispering “Please…  Please…”

When Francesca rolled over and looked and saw Mari trying to move the bags outside the door without making any noise.

Francesca had gotten up and helped her.  Not saying anything.  Closing the door after, not leaving it open like Moms said to.  Mariana was scared of those bags.  

It was the first time Francesca thought Moms might be wrong about Mari being gone.  But it was March.  Months after Jesus left.  And before they met the Avoiders.

“I don’t like it when Moms are in our space either,” Francesca says, looking at Mariana.

She can tell by Mariana’s eyes and that shadow in them that she’s thinking about the same thing Francesca is.  Jesus doesn’t know about that happening.  Or the mean comments Moms made when they cleaned.  That was the day when they said the thing about that they couldn’t believe that had two kids with brain damage.  It’s been over a year, and Francesca still can’t forget.  She knows Mari can’t either, because sometimes she says it:

“ _Two kids with brain damage…_ ” like she’s thinking about it and saying it at the same time.  It doesn’t bother Francesca.  It bothers her that Moms said it and the words got trapped in Mari’s head.  Like they are in her own.

“I’m not going to kick Levi out,” Pearl offers.  “Just so there’s no doubt with anyone.  I know my mother did those things with Gracie’s pictures, not Levi.”  Pearl turns to Levi: “You will always have a home with me.”

Levi nods.  But he doesn’t say anything.

Strong feelings move inside Francesca.  Like she wants to hurt something.  Usually, that’s not a thing, it’s herself.  So, she stands up and goes to Dominique.  Trying to think about using her hands for balance, not for hurting.

“I need backup for The Thing,” Francesca whispers.  “I’m remembering stuff.  Trying to do positive coping.”

“Want to sit with me?” Dominique wonders.

Francesca nods, and climbs into Dominique’s lap.  

She gives Francesca her phone to hold.  “Look up some sloth videos, babe.”

“Sloths won’t help…” Francesca says, feeling like she’s definitely gonna do The Thing.

“Do you need to share with the group?” she asks.  “It is Feelings Time…” Dominique reminds.

“I feel angry,” Francesca admits, quiet.

“Hey, Avoiders?  Fran’s doing some tough work, coping right now.  Can we tune into her?”

Francesca keeps her head down, finding sloth pictures anyway to look at.  So she won’t have to feel all the Avoiders looking at her.

“I’m angry…” Francesca repeats.  It doesn’t make the strength of The Thing any less.  She flips through lots of sloth pictures.  But right now there’s not enough sloths in the world.

Dominique offers her hands.  Francesca sets her phone on the table, face down.  Squeezes Dominique’s hands hard.  

“What are you angry about, buddy?” Jesus asks.  “Can you take a deep breath?”

Francesca tries but her throat is too clogged with sadness.  She tries to smash it back inside where it goes.  But that doesn’t work.

“Moms…” she whispers.  “How they were in our room one time?” she glances at Mariana.  “Really mad, and saying they had two brain damaged kids now…”

“That makes you angry?  At them?” Jesus asks.  She can’t see his face.  It’s better that she can’t see it.

Francesca nods.

“How does it make you feel about you?” Dominique wonders, gentle.

“Like I shouldn’t be in the family.  And they’d be happier then.” Francesca sighs.


	64. Chapter 64

For a long time after that, Frankie can’t talk or anything.  The anger is too big in her throat.  She really wants to throw Dominique’s phone, but she doesn’t.

All of a sudden, Mari’s there in front of her.  “You need Sister Time?  In private?” she checks.

Frankie nods.  She thinks Dominique might be surprised when Francesca doesn’t let go of her hand at all - includes her in sister time.

They go out to the one step thing where Fran and Mari ate donuts one morning when Levi came over all upset from Peanut Butter Cookie, probably.  It makes Francesca feel like screaming.  All the feelings make her CP side feel extra tight.  Walking and balancing are even harder.

Out on the step, Francesca sits down and buries her head in her arms.  Mariana asks to hug her and Frankie shakes her head no.

“I need to scream so bad!” Francesca growls in an angry voice.  “But I can’t because I don’t wanna make anybody’s trauma worse!”

Dominique leans back and scoots open the sliding door.  Calls inside.  “Hey, Levi?  Is it okay if we sit in your car for a bit?”

Francesca doesn’t understand, but soon Dominique’s back with Levi’s keys and they’re all walking together.  Dominique opens the door, and they all get in the back seat together.

“You can scream in here,” Dominique says, like it’s no big deal.  “I did earlier.  It feels really good.”

Francesca lets out a really tiny scream.  It sounds like a little dog yipping, but not like Cleo.  

“How mad are you?” Mari asks.  “That Moms said that to us?”

Francesca turns hot eyes on Mariana.  “Madder than anything in the world.”

“Anyone.  You’re a person with feelings, Francesca.  It’s okay to feel mad.” Dominique says, gently.

Francesca’s heart’s beating hard.  She kicks the seat in front of her.  Punches it.  Grunts a little.

“Will you scream with me?  I’m mad, too,” Mariana says.  “Can we be mad together?”

“As loud our madness?” Francesca checks.

“As loud as your madness,” Dominique nods.  “I actually might wait for you guys on the step, though.  I usually do screaming by myself, in private.”

They wait til Dominique gets out of the car and is far enough away on the step and not watching, because Fran and Mari don’t like people staring.  Then, Francesca looks at Mariana.  They count together:

“One, two, three…”

And then Francesca lets out the biggest, loudest scream ever.  But she’s not alone because Mariana’s screaming her loudest, too.  Which is very loud.  Francesca’s kicking and punching the seat in front of her, which she is never allowed to do at home, and isn’t so sure she’s allowed to do here, either.  But Mari’s not telling her to stop.

They scream for a while longer, until Francesca’s voice is tired.  Until she feels small and weak and like screaming won’t make any difference at all.  She covers her face.

And tears.  And it’s like Francesca might never stop crying.

Mariana whispers again, “Can I hug you?”

This time, Frankie nods into her hands, and she feels Mariana’s arms come around her.  She can feel Mariana holding onto her and hear her sniffing loud and breathing shaky and Francesca’s pretty sure Mariana’s crying too.

In a while, Mariana starts talking.  “You should be in our family.  You should.”

That just makes Francesca cry more.  Because when Moms say stuff like that it makes Francesca feel like she should just disappear.

“Do you feel it?” Frankie asks.  “Like you shouldn’t be in the family when they say those things?’

“I feel…” Mariana starts, still with a shaking voice.  “Like they don’t love me now.”

“That’s the same as I do.”  Frankie nods, sniffling.  “But  _I_  love you now.  Before and now.  Both.”

“I love  _you_  now,” Mariana says, kissing Francesca on the head.  “And tomorrow.  And forever.”

Francesca thinks back, to the night when Moms had been talking to Mariana outside and she came barging into their room, wrecking, and screaming, and swearing at Francesca.

“That night?  Why did you swear at me?” Francesca asks, peeking at her.

Mariana opens her mouth.  Closes it.  

“I won’t tease you.  I promise.  I just…  Did they…like…say something mean to make you this mad?  Only back then?  When we couldn’t scream in cars?”

“Yeah,” Mari nods.  

“So you wanted me to get out?” Frankie checks.  

“Yeah.  Like when Elsa gets mad…and she can’t control her powers.  I didn’t wanna hurt you.  But all I could say was…that.”

“So, you weren’t really mad at me?”  Francesca checks.

“No.  I was mad at myself.  And Moms.” Mariana explains.

“Felt like everybody was mad at me that night…” Francesca confesses.  “I felt really sad.  And lonely.”

“I wasn’t…I just…couldn’t.  When there’s strong emotions?  Words are harder.” Mariana says.

“When I was having strong feelings, my CP felt extra tight,” Francesca confesses.  “Walking was harder.”

“So, yeah, kinda like that.” Mariana nods.

Francesca takes a deep breath but it doesn’t work because her nose is stuffy and plus all she smells is Levi’s car.  She opens the door to breathe some real air.  She gets out of the car and waits for Mari to get out too.  They walk back to the step where Dominique is together.

“Look,” Francesca offers, showing her hands.  “I didn’t do it.”

Dominique opens her arms.  Francesca goes into them.  “I am so proud of you, babe.  That was some tough coping you did.  I can tell that coping muscle’s getting big and strong.”

“It’s still hard,” Francesca admits.  Sitting on the step between Dominique and Mariana.  “Mari and me?  We don’t wanna go back.  Right, Mari?” she checks.

“Try never,” Mariana scoffs.

“I’m sorry, guys,” Dominique says.  “I wish you didn’t have to ever go back.”

“Mariana, you scream the loudest,” Francesca points out, admiring.

“Thank you?” Mari asks, smiling a little.

“ _What can I say except you’re welcome!_ ” Francesca sings, like Maui.  It makes them laugh.

“I did get an idea while I was sitting here.  For something we can do at Feelings Time.”

Francesca doesn’t think she can wait to find out Dominique’s idea, but it turns out she can.  Because they can go back inside right then, they all agree.

“Levi, I did your coping thing,” Francesca tells him.

“Yeah?  How was it?” he asks.

“Good.  I kinda hit your seat and kicked it, though.  Sorry.” Francesca apologizes.

“Hey, it’s seen worse.  Don’t worry,” Levi reassures.

“Guys, but Dominique has a great idea for Feelings Time, though.”  Even though it’s got to be past 8:00 now, Mariana and Jesus don’t say anything.  They let Francesca sit back down with all of them.

“Ooh, what’s your idea?” Pearl asks.

“Well, I was thinking…how all of us have kinda…negative thought loops?  Where it’s not really easy for us to think positively about ourselves.  So, I was thinking, what if each of us takes time to write down three words to describe positive characteristics in your fellow Avoiders.”

Francesca raises her hand.  

“Yes, Fran?” Dominique asks, smiling.

“What’s a characteristic?  Just, like, a thing we think of when we think of them?” Francesca wonders.

“Something positive.  About their personality.  Think about things each person does well.”

“Like nice?” Francesca asks.

“Can you be more specific about nice?  Nice about what?  And…I kinda wanna avoid…physical compliments if we can.”

“So just good personality things,” Francesca checks.  “Not, like, pretty.  Even if you are pretty.”

“Thanks, babe, but yes.  I need to take some small steps toward accepting a compliment like that.  Not quite ready for it yet.”  Dominique clarifies.  She hands out lots of Post-It notes and pencils.

“So, three things for each person.  15, total?” Francesca checks, doing the math in her head.  “Or 18?  Do we have to include ourselves?”

“No.  But I think that hearing from your friends about what they see that’s good in you can help you be able to eventually see it in yourself.” Dominique points out.

Francesca gets to work, writing:

_MARIANA:_

_Powerful_

_Smart_

_Loving_

_JESUS:_

_Feelings_

_Coping_

_Protecting_

_DOMINIQUE:_

_Noticing_

_Listening_

_Singing_

_LEVI:_

_Fun_

_Fast_

_Strong_

_PEARL:_

_Advise_

_Being clear_

_Hot chocolate_

–

Mariana’s staring at her stack of Post-Its when Jesus scoots in next to her.  

“I don’t know about you, but I need our twinbrain for this…” he confesses, quiet.  “I’m overthinking everything.”

“Lucky.  My brain’s empty.” Mariana returns.  

But when they put their heads together, eventually, both have lists.  They, ironically, don’t need help at all for each other’s:

_JESUS:_

_Compassionate_

_Advocate_

_Artist_

_FRAN:_

_Curious_

_Feels deeply_

_Same_

_DOM:_

_Honest_

_Creative_

_Aware_

_PEARL:_

_Willing to learn_

_Recognizes limits_

_Deep thinker_

_LEVI:_

_Genuine_

_Gentle_

_Thoughtful_

–

With Mariana’s encouragement, Jesus is able to eventually put pencil to paper without erasing a thousand times, or thinking everything he writes is wrong:

_MARI:_

_Open_

_Intuitive_

_Encouraging_

_FRANCESCA:_

_Playful_

_Funny_

_Considerate_

_PEARL:_

_Role model_

_Love in action_

_Open hearted_

_DOMINIQUE:_

_Blunt_

_Photography_

_Kind_

_LEVI:_

_Phoenix_

_Backup_

_Honest_

–

Right about now, Dominique’s not sure about everyone else, but she feels about due for some focus on some positive things.  And to focus on the positives in her friends?  All the better:

_FRANCESCA:_

_Positive coping!!!!_

_Sloth-speed shopping_

_Trustworthy_

_LEVI:_

_Poet_

_Soulful_

_Generous_

_MARIANA:_

_Reliable_

_Dependable_

_SAFE_

_JESUS:_

_Knowledgeable_

_Respect_

_Boundaries_

_Pearl:_

_Loyal_

_Confident_

_Asks for feedback_

–

Even now, Pearl finds herself feeling like a bit of an outsider.  She’s not altogether sure she can come up with 15 words to describe all of these people in their best light.  Because 15 words just doesn’t seem like enough.

_LEVI:_

_Sweet_

_Caring_

_Thorough_

_JESUS:_

_Non-Judgemental_

_Integrity_

_Follow through_

_FRANCESCA:_

_Recognizes others’ progress_

_Helpful_

_Emotionally in tune_

_MARIANA:_

_Attentive_

_Facilitator_

_Patient_

_DOMINIQUE:_

_Good Listener_

_Logical_

_Authentic_

–

Levi figures it’s just as well to try and distract himself from the note that seems like it’s tattooed onto the backs of his eyelids.  From Carla.  It takes a while for him to be able to start writing at all.  And when the words start coming, he’s not sure he can stop them:

_PEARL:_

_Keeps trying_

_Understanding_

_Believing_

_DOMINIQUE:_

_Unflinching_

_Careful_

_Guarding_

_MARIANA:_

_Best hugs_

_Great talks_

_I feel seen_

_JESUS:_

_Basic needs_

_Warm_

_Shares_

_FRANCESCA:_

_Mediator_

_Original_

_Wise_

–

When Francesca gets her five Post It Notes she crams them all into her waist purse so she can read them later when she really needs them.  

It’s okay because she isn’t the only one who is saving their good things.  Everybody else is, too.  It’s like, they’re not ready to realize those parts of themselves yet.  And definitely not with people looking and waiting for them to, like, cry or something.

Even though the Avoiders wouldn’t do that.  They respect emotions.  And each other.

She’s starting to get tired, but doesn’t wanna admit it.  Under the table, something gets passed to her, from Levi.

“Stress cow,” he whispers.

“Huh?” Francesca asks.

“You should get a stress cow.  For when you’re stressed.  Squeeze it,” he encourages.

Francesca does.  It feels weird and good and squishy.  And actually, she could really use a stress cow in real life.  So she’s not always squeezing into her bare hands.

She hands it back.  “Here, I’m not stressed anymore,” Francesca tells Levi.  “You keep it.  In case you need to squeeze it.  Your coping really is good, by the way.”

“My sitting in the car and screaming?” he asks, like he doesn’t believe she’s being serious.

Francesca nods.  “It feels so good to scream and not get yelled at, right?”

“It does,” he nods.  “It actually really does.”

“So, you have great ideas,” Francesca tells him.  “I should ask Mari if we can keep doing that idea when we go home.  But Moms will probably worry about us looking weird or somebody hearing us and calling the cops,” Francesca realizes.

“Could always ask somebody to drive you somewhere quieter.  Away from your moms.  To scream and not have them worrying about how it looks,” Levi suggests.

“You mean, like, Jesus or Dominique, right?” Francesca checks.  “Not a random person?”

“Right.  Someone you trust.  A safe person, like you guys say,” Levi points out.

“I wish you lived in California and right by Avoidance,” Francesca sighs.  “Then, I’d ask you to drive.  You’re safe.”

“Aw,” Levi smiles.  “Thank you.  You’re safe, too.”

“But don’t ask me to drive,” Francesca cautions, giggling.  “I’ll run into everything.”

“I ran into a mailbox…” Levi confesses, out of the corner of his mouth.

Francesca just keeps laughing.  It feels so much better.  So much better than all the screaming and sadness.  She unzips her waist purse softly, so Jesus won’t hear the zip.  Looks at all the good things the Avoiders said about her.  

She’ll definitely have to Google Levi’s.  

Still Francesca flips through them under the table, trying to make all the good things sink in.  So she’ll be ready, and strong, when it’s time to go home.


	65. Chapter 65

It’s 8:30 before Francesca gets to bed.  It’s her weekend bedtime, but that’s still okay.  

“It’s not like you’ll be in trouble.  We just want you to get as much sleep as you can.  Because we have to be up really early in the morning.” Mariana explains, when Francesca stops by her, for goodnight hugs.  Mariana never doesn’t feel like hugs, but Francesca still waits just in case she changed her mind.  “Did most of your stuff get back in your suitcase?”

“I think, but not my clothes for tomorrow, or my toothbrush or my phone.” Francesca lists.

“Good job,” Mariana says, giving her a hug and a kiss.  “I’m proud of you.  And thank you.  For your words about me.”

“You’re welcome.  Thanks for screaming with me.  I love you,” Francesca says.  (Mariana has started saying she loved Francesca every night since she got home from the hospital.  Moms only say “Love you, too,” if Mari says it first.  But Francesca wants Mari to know her love is real.  For her now.)

“I love  _you_ ,” Mariana says, and Francesca really believes it.  Sometimes people say they love her, but it doesn’t feel true.  With Mari, though, it always does feel real.

Next, Francesca stops by Jesus.  “Need backup for locking the doors?” Francesca asks, because that’s what he’s doing, even though Levi’s right there, too.  (Maybe she can stay up longer if she asks.)

“Nope, I got it covered tonight.  Thanks, though, buddy, for having my back,” Jesus says.  He steps away from the door, a little.  

“Good night hug?” she checks, arms open.

“Of course, a good night hug,” Jesus smiles.  

Francesca runs into his arms.  He does the kind of hug where he squeezes her really tight and lifts her off the ground a little.  She loves that kind, especially because he makes sure she has her balance before he lets go.

“Hug?” she asks Levi, offering.

“Sure,” Levi says, crouching and opening his arms.  

Francesca goes to him, slower than she went to Jesus.  

Levi hugs her gently, but she can feel his feelings in it.  “I’m really glad I met you, Francesca.”

“Me, too,” she says, shy.  “Thanks for teaching me your way of coping.”  She pulls back, but he’s there, catching her when she loses her balance a little.

“Anytime,” Levi says.  “I’m glad I could help.”

Francesca has way more to say to Levi but she’s not sure it will come out right.  She decides to try anyway.  “Don’t be afraid of your cabin from Peanut Butter Cookie, okay?  She tried to wreck it, but she didn’t, really.  All our love’s inside.  Plus, you can talk about anything you want to.  She’s just a peon.”

Levi smiles and it turns into a laugh.  “You’re kinda wonderful, you know that?”

“Because you said it,” Francesca tells him honestly.

“Well, Avoiders don’t lie, right?  So you can believe it,” Levi says, blinking back some tears in his eyes.

“I’ll miss you whenever I watch  _Moana_.” Francesca says softly.

“How ‘bout we think of each other then?” Levi suggests.

“Okay, guys.  I hate to break up this beautiful moment,” Dominique says, like she really does hate it.  “But you have got to get to bed,” she says to Francesca.  “Go find Pearl and say goodnight.  Then, I got something to tell you.”

“Bye, Levi!” Francesca calls.  “I’ll think of you!”

She doesn’t have to look far for Pearl, who’s in the kitchen with Cleo, playing Solitaire.  She wonders if maybe Levi will teach her Funny Uno.

“Good night, Pearl,” Francesca says, galloping up to her, because it’s fun to gallop.

“Good night, Fran,” Pearl says warmly.  

“You want a good night hug?” Francesca asks, careful.  It’s still Pearl’s traumaversary so she might not.  But that could also mean she might.

“I do want a good night hug,” Pearl smiles, embracing Francesca.  “It was very nice to meet you.  Thanks so much for being my hot cocoa assistant.”

“You’re welcome,” Francesca says.  “Thank you for listening about my dad…” she whispers.

Pearl pulls back, but keeps hands on Francesca’s shoulders for helping with balance.  “You can always talk to me about your dad.  I know what that feels like.  To not know.  It’s not a good feeling.  But it makes it worse to not be able to talk about it.  So, feel free to, anytime.”

“I don’t have your phone number,” Francesca points out.  

Pearl, writes it super quick on some paper, and tells Fran to put that in her fanny pack til she can update her contacts.

“My  _Franny_  pack,” Francesca says, kind of silly.  

Pearl throws her head back and laughs, loud.  “Oh yes!  Please!  Put it in your Franny pack!  Oh my God, I love that!”

“Okay, come on,” Dominique says, like she still hates breaking up Francesca’s good night hugs.

“Will you come inside the fort to tuck me in?” Francesca asks.

“Let me be sure Jesus is cool with that,” Dominique says.  

Francesca crosses her fingers for 35 seconds, and it works.  Jesus says it’s okay for Dominique to go inside their fort.

She never wants to get under her sleeping bag.  Francesca secretly wants to sleep in it inside out, so the nylon side is against her skin but it’s super heavy and she hasn’t grown enough actual muscles for turning it inside out by herself yet.

Dominique crawls in behind her and lies down next to her on some of the other blankets Jesus uses.  “So…I wanna show you something…” Dominique says, and takes out her phone.  

She taps in the secret code and shows Francesca the screen.

At first, Francesca doesn’t get it.  

“Read the very top, right here?” Dominique points.

“Avoiders Chat…?” Francesca reads, still confused.

“And under here are all the names of the people in Avoiders Chat…” Dominique points, clicking to make all of them show up.

“Levi West, Pearl West, Jesus Adams Foster, Dominique Williams, Mariana Adams Foster… _Francesca_  Adams Foster?”  Francesca gapes.  “ _Me_?”

Dominique smiles.  “You.”

“How?  Moms would never let me…” Francesca insists.

“Well, turns out, Mariana remembered that when your moms took a vacation one time, they made sure you all had Messenger to keep in touch.”

“Oh yeah.  When they went for another Spring Break…to Mexico…” Francesca breathes.

“So, she mentioned it to Levi, and he found you on here, and added you.  Now it’s all of us, together.  So you can keep in touch with Levi and Pearl when we go, same as us.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Francesca says, feeling like she might burst happiness everywhere, and maybe a little tears, too.

“You’re so welcome, babe.” Dominique smiles at her, and it brightens up Francesca’s whole world, even though, like the sloths say…it’s night.

“Good night hug?” Francesca whispers.

“Good night hug,” Dominique confirms.  

And they do hug.  And Dominique sings, “Because I knew you…”

Francesca knows the next line and sings higher, “Because I knew you…”

And then they sing together the last line: “I have been changed…for good.”  Francesca’s learning harmony.  Just like she always thought, it sounds like one of the most magical things.  Like  _Harry Potter_  magic, but the good kind.

–

Once Francesca’s all tucked in and on her way to sleep, Dominique makes her way up to the loft where Mariana, Pearl, Cleo, Jesus, Dudley and Levi are all waiting.

Mariana’s looking at her excited, her expression all raised eyebrows and curiosity.  “So…?” she asks.

“So, I showed her.  And she’s really excited,” Dominique shares, not talking about Messenger directly, for Jesus’s benefit, just in case one of them should slip and mention Facebook.

They had agreed, because of his trigger, and because the late hour had a lot of Mariana’s stamina sapped, Dominique could be the one to tell Francesca the news about being able to be in the Avoiders Chat, with the added bonus of avoiding their Moms’ wrath because they’d already let Francesca have Messenger anyway, years ago.

Dominique sighs and settles in next to Mariana.  “Ugh…I do not want it to be this night, you guys.  Oh, God, listen to me.   _You guys_.  Pearl and Levi, y’all’s Minnesotan is rubbing off on me…”

Levi and Pearl exchange looks, smiling.

“That’s amazing,” Pearl gushes softly.  “I love it when people start to speak Minnesotan.”

“Yeah, you betcha,” Levi intones,  “You know, Dad was from Alabama originally?” he asks Pearl.  “And  I visited there a few times.  I think that accent’s the one that suits me most.”

“Well, you speak however you want to,” Pearl says.  

“I’m originally Texan, so that’s the twang y’all hear sometimes,” Dominique shares.

“Really?” Levi leans in, intrigued.

“Jesus?  Mariana?  Y’all from anywhere besides California?” Dominique checks.

Now, it’s their turn to look at each other.

“No, but…our dad’s white…” Jesus confesses.  “Our biological father.  That was kinda a shock.”

“When did you find him?” Pearl asks.

“After we got back from the last trip.  Sometime that spring.” Jesus shares.  “I started getting curious about him.  So, I asked Mari and she talked to Ana, who talked about some dude on a first name basis.  Mariana did some more digging and found out a last name.  Then she did all her computer stuff.  Found out he’s in prison.”

“Yikes,” Pearl blanches.

“Yeah…  Mari and I totally went there one time on the downlow.” Jesus shares.

“Not unaccompanied,” Pearl points out.  “You need ID.  And I think you need to be with an adult…”

Dominique doesn’t ask who Pearl’s visited in jail that she knows all this stuff.  With a mother like Carla, nothing surprises Dominique.

“No, we went with Ana…” Mariana puts in.

Dominique’s eyes widen.  “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Mariana echoes.

“And your moms still don’t know…” Dominique ventures.

“Jesus and I…can keep secrets…” Mariana says seriously.

“…For years,” Jesus adds.

“Weren’t you scared?” Levi asks.

“Yeah, but turns out, he didn’t want us anyway.  Trip was a waste of time.  He totally laid it all out there like, he told Ana to abort us and all this crap.” Jesus bristles.

Pearl’s mouth drops open.

Levi says, “Oh, God…”

“Yeah, we can’t all have dads like yours,” Jesus says softly.  Dominique notices how he includes Dominique in his nod at Levi and Pearl, as someone with a good father.

It makes her feel lucky.  And that feeling is strange.  Because Dominique has spent a lot of time focused on the ten months she was beyond unlucky.  Being lucky doesn’t feel particularly safe, though she has begun to feel more at ease around Dad.

“Anyway…” Mariana says.  “Weren’t really expecting to go down Gabe-memory-lane…”

Mariana using their birth father’s name sparks something in Dominique’s memory: “Have you been able to think of Fran’s bio dad’s name?” she checks.

“No.  The only thing I’ve got…for whatever?  Reference?  Is this time I listened at the door when Moms were whisper-fighting.”

“Ha,” Jesus cackles.  “Whisper-fighting.”

“What?  They were,” Mariana laughs.

“No, I know.  I’m saying.  It’s so accurate.  Also, you and Callie used to whisper-fight like freakin’ pros…” Jesus continues, impressed.

“Can I keep going with my story?” Mariana quips.

“Yeah, go ahead, I’m sorry,” Jesus apologizes.

But in the space of time it takes Jesus to respond to her, Mariana’s shaking her head.

“Actually, I probably shouldn’t.  Don’t know if Fran would like me sharing this with everybody.  At least not before she knows it.  Because it’s not, like, good…”

“Oh,” Dominique says, regretful.

“Yeah.” Mariana nods.  “It does seem super messed up that Brandon knows Mike.  Callie can see Robert whenever.  Jude even went over to his dad’s with Callie to meet the new wife, I guess?  And Jesus and I have a secret jail dad…and Fran just…” Mariana shrugs.

“I know this is beyond rude, but y’all are making me miss my dad,” Dominique shares.

“Michael’s awesome,” Jesus grins.

“I’m sure he’ll appreciate the compliment.” Dominique returns.

“I miss Dad…” Levi adds softly.  “All the time. It never gets easier.  Life made sense when he was here…and now it just…doesn’t.”

Dominique scoots a little closer, wishing she could do something.  Help somehow.  But she knows firsthand, from losing Taylor, some voids can’t be filled, no matter how much you want them to be.


	66. Chapter 66

Pearl watches as Levi goes straight into, what she privately calls, “apology mode.”

“Sorry.  I didn’t mean to, like, bring the room down, or whatever…” he says.

“Hey, we were just talking about how our bio dad’s in jail,” Mariana points out.  “It’s fine.  We’re sorry, though.”

“Yeah, we are.” Jesus echoes.

“What would help?” Pearl  wonders.

“Having him here,” Levi says, swallowing.  “Not gone.  Like, I believe in heaven and whatever, and that’s great.  But everybody at church back home?  Was like, ‘ _You should be happy for your dad_ ,’ like, I don’t know?  Implying that missing him was me being selfish?”

“Missing him is you being normal,” Dominique insists.  “If you don’t miss your parents, it means you had crappy ones.  And we all know your dad was not a crappy one.”

“You’re not being selfish,” Pearl says gently.  “Losing him is a big deal.  I feel it and I barely knew him…so I can’t imagine how you feel…”

“Like…empty…” Levi admits.  “Ever since everything with your mom came out…it’s almost like…I’ve missed him even more?  I don’t know if that makes sense.”

“It does,” Mariana nods.  

Jesus nods.  “You can keep going, if you want.”

“It’s just…I know he wouldn’t have stood for what Carla did to our cabin.  He would’ve been out here.  You know?” Levi asks.

“He lived in Denver,” Pearl points out.

“Yeah, he woulda drove up here,” Levi smiles a little.  “Had some words with her, as he called it.  He would’ve made sure I was okay.”  He reaches over to pet Cleo absently, before remembering he’s not supposed to when she’s working, and pulls his hand away.  

Pearl unclips Cleo’s leash and lets her go to him.  Talking right now like this, Pearl is okay.  “Go ahead,” she says.

Petting Cleo, Levi talks more.  “That’s assuming I would’ve ever told him anything.  Which, history says I wouldn’t.  So…”

“You weren’t ready,” Dominique points out.  “That’s understandable.”

“I just…” Levi shrugs.  “I told him everything.  But if he knows - somewhere - that I kept this from him?  I feel like it’d hurt his feelings.  Like he’d feel like I didn’t trust him.”

“In my experience,” Dominique offers.  “If I can speak to this?”

Levi nods.

“Dads understand.  Mine?  Knows zero details.  I mean, he knows whatever the hospital told both of my parents when I was unconscious.  But he’s never known the details.  Hasn’t asked.  Been almost twelve years.  He respects that it’s mine to tell.  Remember how I said, you don’t owe anybody your story?  That includes your dad.  If you ever wanna tell him, I’m sure he’d be there, listening.  But I’d like to think your dad’s a little like mine.  That he respects his child enough to leave this one thing about your life alone.”

Levi sniffs.  “He didn’t notice.”

“What?” Pearl asks.

“I think the worst part is…he didn’t notice?  Like, after or whatever.  He was so distracted by whatever else that was going on that he didn’t see…that I wasn’t okay.  I always thought he was a superhero.  He was this fireman.  Used to critique the shit out of that show,  _Station 19_ , with the firefighters?  You know, “ _I did that job so many years, we never got trapped in garages_!”

Pearl chuckles a little.  She watches Levi’s eyes flicker to Dominique’s.  Notices how he pivots back to Dad-generalities, and away from the show about firefighters.

“Anyway, I always thought…he’d know.  If something were really wrong.  But he never figured it out.  And I never told.” Levi says, still petting Cleo gently.

“I used to think that, too…” Jesus ventures.  “That if Moms…my therapist…whoever…really cared about me they’d notice I was in trouble.”  Jesus shares.  “Never understood it when they’d say ‘ _You gotta come to us_.’  I was like, ‘ _Whatever.  If you care about me, you come to me.  Find me.’  You know_?”

“That’s what I mean, yeah,” Levi nods.

“I think we have that feeling?” Jesus ventures, slowly.  “Because we  _needed_  people to notice us.  For a long time.  Because bad stuff happened.  And we were probably told no one cared, or it didn’t matter, or threatened…  So it makes sense.  But we don’t have to listen to the bad people anymore, man.  The Avoiders do care about you.  What happened to you matters.  And she can’t hurt you or threaten you anymore without me being there and doing something about it.”

“But I still never told my dad…” Levi breathes.

“Because how do you tell your dad something like that?” Dominique echoes, sympathetic.  “Right?  The person who protected you from everything?  How do you tell him, he couldn’t protect you from this?”

“Yeah…” Levi’s voice cracks.  “Is your dad…is he like…doesn’t he want you to tell him?”

“He wants me to tell what I wanna tell.  If that’s nothing, he supports that,” Dominique explains.

“Do you think my dad would support that I told him nothing?” Levi tries again.  “I mean, he was my best friend?  Who keeps a secret like that from their best friend?  From their family?”

“I think…if I understand boundaries correctly…” Pearl starts.  “That…it’s your right to tell your family whatever you felt safe telling them.  If that was nothing, that makes sense.  I didn’t tell my mother right away…  She got it out of me eventually, because she believed that family owed each other explanations.  Responses.  Immediate ones.”

“She was wrong about that?” Levi checks.

“She was wrong about that, yes,” Pearl nods.

–

Levi shivers a little.  “Still not ready to go back next door.  I don’t know.  That note she left me…”

Jesus offers his blanket.  

Levi takes it and drapes it around his shoulders.  “Thanks.  So…” he ventures.  “Those kinda people lie, right? But we don’t?”

“We try not to,” Dominique speaks up.  “Trauma, notwithstanding.”

Levi cocks his head, not understanding.

“Sometimes trauma can make it feel like we have to lie,” she explains.

“Like, how I lied to Dominique when we met about never having read  _Harry Potter_ ,”  Jesus admits.

Dominique turns startled eyes on Jesus.  “What?  Really?  You read it?”

“Yeah…I just…it’s something I thought of really early on, when He got me?  Dark Magic.  Like from those books.  It was basically the last little bit of Before-me.  And I guess…I didn’t want to share that with anybody.”

“Does it bother you I got Francesca into reading them?” Dominique asks.

“No, I like it.  Makes me remember the good parts of my childhood.  Which, is not easy to do.  So I appreciate it even more, you know?” Jesus shares.

“What note?” Mariana asks, looking at Levi.

“Oh.  Carla left me this note,” Levi shares.

“Oh yeah.  The one Frankie found.  I remember.  She came and showed me first.  Wondering what to do.” Mariana remembers.

“So…what did she wanna do?” Levi asks.

“Not show you,” Mariana tells him.

“But you said she should?” Levi checks.

“Well, yeah.  Even if it’s terrible, it’s still yours.  You have the right to see it.” Mariana points out.  “To know everything.”

“Kinda wish I didn’t…” Levi admits.  “So gross that she was in my room…”

Across from him, Jesus shudders.  Levi hands the blanket back.

–

Jesus remembers too easily the number of times Before, he’d go to his room and find Him there.  In the bed Jesus slept in.  It was, like Levi’s saying, one of the biggest violations of privacy.  It’s because of that that back home?  Jesus could not tolerate anyone but himself in his own room.  Why he had to have Stef remove the door.  Hang beads.  Take out the bed altogether.

Over the years, he’s gotten better about some things.  Jesus sleeps on a futon in his living room.  Uses the closet in the spare room for his clothes.  Always keeps the door open, so Jesus can see if anyone is inside.

“Maybe Pearl can help you change some stuff around,” Jesus offers, once he’s a little calmer.  “I know that really helped me.”

“Yeah, we can do that,” Pearl agrees.  “That room was originally supposed to be mine, but I could never bring myself to live in it.  So, it makes sense you’d wanna make it yours.  Not much money in the budget currently with having to get the locksmith out here as well, but I have spare sheets, and different quilts.  You’re welcome to any of them.”

“Can I put a lock on my door?” Levi asks.  “Like, of my bedroom?”

“Fire hazard,” Mariana and Dominique chorus.

“Okay, wow.  Point taken,” Levi nods.

“I agree.  Sorry,” Jesus says, nodding in solidarity at Mari and Dominique, and then turning to Levi.  “You spend long enough in foster care, you learn that stuff.”

“And just…trust me?” Dominique offers in a small voice.  “You don’t wanna lock yourself in somewhere and end up trapped if there’s a fire…”

Jesus remembers the day in the elevator back in August.  How she’d seemed out of sorts and he’d commented on it.  How Dominique had snapped at him that she’d been in an accident ten years before.  Trapped somehow.  It sucks so bad to think of Dominique going through that.

“I do,” Levi says, solemn.  “I trust all you guys.  No lock.  But like…how do I feel okay in there?  With her going in and touching everything?” he asks.

–

Mariana thinks, trying to come up with a solution that isn’t Levi locking himself in that downstairs bedroom.

“Lysol?” she suggests.

Pearl cracks up, and claps a hand over her mouth to keep from waking Frankie.  “That’s a fantastic idea,” she wheezes.  “It really is.  I was looking for a way to disinfect the place.  We could always give it a good cleaning when we redecorate.  If you’re good with that?” she asks Levi.

Levi nods.  “Yeah, as long as we can air it out before I have to sleep there.”

“Call us,” Mariana offers.

“What?” Levi asks.

“When you have to go in there.  Just, to start or whatever.  If you want.  Video chat us.  Then you can take us with you in there.  So you won’t…like…be alone.”

“That’s kinda extreme, don’t you think?” Levi asks, looking to everybody in turn.

“It’s accommodations,” Mariana points out.

“Because I can’t handle my shit?” Levi asks, and Mariana recognizes this.  Early Levi, who had all his walls up.

“None of us can,” Mari maintains.  “All of us need each other.”

“So, it’s not, like, ridiculous?” Levi checks.

Mariana shakes her head.  “I mean…we  _are_  Avoiders.”

Levi shakes his head.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean, we avoid mean people.  I think that includes memories of giant Peanut Butter Cookies in your room.”

Levi cracks a smile.  “Fine.  I’ll call you.  But seriously, don’t make a big thing of it.  Or, like, drag me for it.”

“No teasing,” Mariana reassures.  “It’s a thing.  We won’t.”

“We?  We who?” Levi asks, confused.

Mariana glances at Jesus.  Both of them grin.  “Twin thing,” they chorus.

“We always say we,” Jesus explains.  “Sometimes, even if it’s just one of us.  Confuses the hell out of people,” he laughs a little.

“Seriously…” Mariana adds, willing the words she needs right now to be there.  “Let us be there.  Let us help.  We want to.”

“We do,” Jesus echoes.

“Definitely,” Dominique adds.  “And if you video chat me, I can introduce you to Roberta.”

“Oh God, can we please do a duet for her?” Levi begs, making Mariana laugh.

“I mean, I think she’d resent us forever if we didn’t…” Dominique smiles.

Mariana doesn’t expect it when Levi announces that he wants to stand up and scoot in next to her, if she’s okay with it.  She just nods.  But Mariana notices how he waits for Pearl, Jesus and Dominique to nod, too, before he moves.

“Can I put my arm around you?” he asks.  “‘Cause I’m not so good with words?  And I wanna say thank you?”

Mariana nods.  “I’m not either,” she manages, as Levi’s arm wraps around her.

She mirrors him, after asking, “Can I?” and after he nods.

It doesn’t last very long, because Mariana’s hug-tolerance isn’t the highest, but it never has been.  Still, even after they let go, Levi stays beside her.

Mariana tries to savor every single minute, here.  Like this.  Knowing soon enough, she and Fran will be back home.  And it won’t be like this anymore at all.

“Will you call me?” Levi asks.  “You know?  If you guys need me?”

Mariana nods.  “If you want.”

“I do, yeah.” Levi confirms.

“Okay.  Maybe not video though.  In case.  You know.  Reasons,” Mariana insists.

“Right.  You got parents at home,” he cringes.  “Maybe I’ll ask before video chatting you?” he checks.  “Be sure it’s a good time.”

Mariana nods.  “That’d be good.  Thanks.”  She pauses.  “Miss you a lot.”

“ _I’ll_  miss  _you_  a lot,” he echoes, looking her right in the eyes, genuine as always.  “Seriously, what do we do without each other?”

“Never leave,” Mariana decides, holding tight to Levi’s hand.


	67. Chapter 67

Pearl clears her throat.  “I just wanna say how much it means to me that you guys all came.  I know traveling isn’t easy for you.  I know money’s not easy.  No money trees,” she sends a brief smile Levi’s way.

“But I had savings,” Mariana offers.  “Moms have money, even if they make it seem like it was a big deal to let Fran come, too.  She even asked for any birthday money to be put toward a plane ticket.”

“And money wasn’t the biggest factor for me,” Jesus says.  “It’s not like you guys live in Japan, or somewhere super far away.  No, traveling’s not easy, but you guys are worth it.”

Dominique nods.  “I had some savings, too, and if I didn’t, my parents would’ve been happy to help out.  Wait.  How exactly is money not a thing?  Because we do live in the same place.  Where money has to be a thing for us to even make it on the waiting list…”  

Pearl watches as Jesus’s ears get red.  “So, I don’t…really talk about this.  Like, ever.  Because moms are kinda big on not discussing how much money any of us have.  They think it’s rude, or whatever.  Plus, I know the two of us,” he gestures at Dominique, “had really different experiences.”

“Well, now I’m curious…” Dominique admits.

“I kinda have a trust?” Jesus asks, like it’s a question.  “After, I mean…  People wanted to help.  Kept sending money.  Eventually, Moms had to set up someplace for it to go…  Couldn’t access it til I was 22, or completion of college, so the timing of this was kinda perfect.”

“So, why do you look so down about it?” Pearl wonders.

“‘Cause I’m thinking of Moms giving me a hard time about spending it to come up here.  ‘ _That’s not what the money’s for, Jesus_.’  Which, you know, totally messes with my head.  Finally getting to a place where I could accept that gifts didn’t have strings, and then there they go…”

“Implying that this  _does_  have strings…” Pearl cringes.

“Yeah, exactly.” Jesus nods.  “It’s not like I’m out here buying a yacht…”

“Speaking of things that mess with our heads?  Can we nix the money talk, please?  It’s kinda a thing…” Dominique asks.

“Yeah, sorry,” Pearl nods.  “I just meant I understand what a big thing I asked of you and I want you to know that I recognize it.  I appreciate it.  That you came up here.  It doesn’t feel fair that I haven’t been able to reciprocate.”

“But friendship’s not exactly equal all the time, right?” Levi asks.  “Like…sometimes…there are moments when we need someone more, or when they need us more.  And that’s fine.  Like, that’s human.  Help doesn’t stay in one place.  It moves around.  So does needing it.”

“Aw, I love that,” Pearl smiles.  “That is very smart.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Levi nods.

“So, Pearl mentioned you were gonna do something with your mom, Levi?  Dinner plans or something?” Jesus asks.

“Lasagna plans,” Levi clarifies, still holding onto Mari’s hand.

“Mmm,” she says from beside him.

“We make this Mexican lasagna together.  It’s…  God, it’s so good.  I haven’t had it in forever.”

“Seriously?  If it’s Mexican lasagna, you gotta send it our way and let us try it,” Jesus insists.

Mari’s wrinkling her nose.  Pearl’s not sure why.  

“I’ll stick with Jude’s.  No offense, Levi.  My brother…he makes really good lasagna.  And I kinda hate obviously Mexican stuff?  Makes me think about Ana.” Mariana admits.

Suddenly, Mariana’s reluctance to try the new recipe makes sense.

“You two don’t get along with your mom?” Pearl asks.

“She’s not–” Mari starts.

“She’s not our mom,” Jesus confirms, serious.  “We’re in touch with her sometimes.  Mari used to be, especially…” he mutters darkly.

“Yeah…when she needed stuff…Told me to steal from Moms…  That was fun,” Mariana mutters, bitter.

“When was this?” Pearl asks.  

“Before we met you,” Jesus clarifies.  “We were like, fourteen?  Fifteen, Mari?”

“Yeah, I think.  I try to block that out.  My epic stupidity.  Moms…so freaked out that the press was gonna catch on that our drug addict bio mom was in the picture that they forbade me from seeing her.  Plus, Frankie was little.  I didn’t want anything hurting her,” Mari remembers.

“‘Cause they gave you that lecture about how dangerous it was to let Ana around us.  Around the family.  Said  _she_  was dangerous,” Jesus scoffs.

Again, Pearl finds herself lost.  “Okay, why is that bad?  Weren’t they just trying to protect you?”

“Because…  Okay, do you remember back when we came here last?  And I came over that one day?” Jesus asks.

“Ah, yes.  That  _one day_ ,” Pearl teases gently.  “It’s so vivid out of those eight.”

Jesus smiles, too.  “Come on.  I’m trying to explain something.  Please?  It’s serious?”

“And don’t…whatever,” Mari interjects, just as serious.

Pearl turns to her.  Face open.  Curious.

“Don’t make fun?” Levi guesses.  “That’s one of the first things we learned, Pearl.  Right?”  he checks with Mariana, who nods.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have made light of the moment.”  Pearl apologizes.

Jesus shrugs, looking past her.  “It’s not important anyway.”

“What?” Pearl asks, alarmed.  “Yes, it is.  Jesus, I wanna hear whatever you wanna tell us.”

Dominique takes a slow, deep breath.  Then another.  Levi joins in.  Then Jesus.  Mariana.  And finally, Pearl.

“So…” Jesus ventures, and Pearl nods at him, encouraging.  “That one day when I came over, and I was so mad that Stef ran a background check on you.  Remember?”

“Wait.  What?” Mariana asks.  Dominique and Levi are equally confused.

“Oh, right.  I do remember that.  You were really upset.” Pearl recalls.

“Yeah…because Mom thought you were dangerous.  While my freakin’ trauma was meeting up with her.  Looking for me.”

“Right,” Dominique scoffs.  ‘Cause your white kidnapper couldn’t possibly have stolen you.  But Pearl must need a background check…”

“And Ana must be super dangerous to cute little toddlers,” Mariana remarks.

“More like dangerous to their image,” Jesus mutters.  “They hated bad press.  Always read the comments.”

“But still…” Mariana ventures.  “She’s a part of us.  But we can’t see her.  So, when I found Gabe.  We had to be…like…”

“So careful,” Jesus fills in.  “By then, she’d gotten it together some.  Which helped.”

“That’s good,” Levi nods.  He looks like he really means it.  

“And it makes sense that you’d wanna know her,” Pearl offers, sympathetic.

“It’s this weird thing, though.  Where…she was so…not ready?” Mariana tries.  “Fifteen when we were born.  Left us.  A lot.  So, we remember that.  And still…I want to know her?  How does that make sense?”

“Because,” Dominique tries.  “Like I told your sister, that’s a part of your identity.  You wanting to hold onto that makes sense.”

“Even if she’s terrible, she’s still your mom,” Pearl offers, understanding.  

“Do you love her?  Like, more than you love me?” Levi asks Pearl, timid.

There it is, Pearl thinks.  His fear of parental loyalty that Jesus mentioned was such a thing.

“I’m afraid of her,” Pearl admits.  “Fear isn’t love.”

“But do you wish?  That I never told you?  So you could still be in her life?” Levi presses.

“No, I don’t.” Pearl shakes her head.  “Our relationship was dysfunctional long before you disclosed.  You telling me just confirmed that not talking to her was the right way to go.  I love  _you_ , Levi.”

Pearl doesn’t miss the way Levi sighs - in obvious relief.

“Did you change your number again?” Levi checks.

“I should do that.  Right now.  And when I do, I’m going to make sure that I only give it out to people I trust, and people who absolutely need it.”

While she’s busy changing her number a second time, Levi asks, “Should  _I_?”

“Has she tried to call you?  Text you?” Pearl asks, worried.

“No, but…like…what if she does?” Levi wants to know.

“Don’t pick up any calls from numbers you don’t know.  Make sure your friends know not to circulate your number.  That they know if someone wants it, they have to come to you directly.”

“That’s not really how things go…” Levi points out.  “I mean, it’s not like Avoidance everywhere.  With super specific guidelines that follow respect for each person.  People kinda share whatever they want with whoever.  A picture, a video…” he shudders.  “It’s seen as public property.”

“Yeah, that’s not right.” Jesus confirms.

“And I’m the loser if I speak out.  The only friends I even have right now are you guys.” Levi maintains.

“So?” Mariana challenges.  “How is that bad?  You’ve got friends with boundaries.”

“True,” Levi nods.  “So…I shouldn’t change my number?”

“I mean…it might make Nia curious,” Pearl points out, careful.

“Avoiders…I hate to be that guy…” Jesus starts out.  “But we gotta be up tomorrow at like 4 AM.  3 hours to the airport.  Should be there two hours early.  Our flight’s at 8:50.  Dom, are your parents still good with picking us up?”

“My mom’s got the day off.  She’ll drive out.  Be there for us.  We’re scheduled to land about 10:30 AM, San Diego time.” Dominique confirms.

“Pearl, are you gonna be okay?” Mariana asks.

“What?  Me?” Pearl asks.

“Driving.  In the dark.” Mariana confirms.

“I can go with,” Levi offers.  “Be your backup.”

“You work at noon.” Pearl points out.

“So?  If we drop them off and come back, we can make it here by 10.  I can crash for like an hour and a half before work.”

“Are you, like, fully cognizant we’re having this conversation?” Pearl checks.

Levi’s eyes flash hurt briefly.

“I’m not saying this to be mean.  I promise you.  I’m remembering the drive to the airport before.  You said yes, you’d go with me, and the next day, it was like we hadn’t spoken.”

“Yeah…well, I was out of it then.  I’m not now.  ‘Cause people know.  Because I can talk about it.” Levi confirms.

“So, you consent?” Pearl checks.

“I consent, yeah.  I wanna be there.  Say bye to you guys for real.  And I wanna be there for you on the drive back,” Levi tells Pearl.

“Thanks,” Pearl breathes.  “Having you with me really does help.”

“Um…and I can still have that food?” Jesus asks.

“Yes, it’s in the fridge here.  I’ll make sure there’s an ice pack in it so everything keeps tomorrow.  And if you need any support on the drive home, call me.”  Pearl insists.

“You mean, preferably before I lose it in a flashback?” Jesus comments wryly.

Mariana squeezes his hand.

“Whenever you reach out is okay.” Pearl confirms.

“So…” Dominique ventures.  “I have kinda a strange request for someone who has professed to hating hugs.  Would y’all be okay with a group hug right now?”

As Pearl looks around, everyone nods at different times.  Almost as if drawn toward each other, all of them scoot in from their original places on the floor until they form a tight circle.  Checking with each other first, they eventually put their arms around each other’s shoulders.

“Francesca’s in on this, too,” Jesus whispers.

Pearl blinks back tears.  “Absolutely,” she chokes.

She can hear Levi, Mariana and Dominique crying softly, too.  

“You guys…” Pearl manages.  “Having you here?  Has changed my life…again.”

“It _saved_  mine…” Levi comments, sniffing quietly.  Pearl feels the ripple of quiet shock coursing through her.  Can sense Dominique and Mariana squeezing him hard.  “Not that I wanted to hurt anybody just…I felt so alone?”

“You’re not,” Mariana says, resolute.

“No, you’re not at all,” Jesus confirms.  “You have us.  Forever.  You never have to feel alone again.  And seriously if she’s bugging you, let me know.  Don’t think you’re making a big deal.  Your boundaries matter.  She doesn’t get to cross them.”

“You don’t mess with family,” Dominique confirms, tears shining on her face.

“Avoiders unite,” Pearl whispers, remembering Francesca’s mantra.

“Avoiders unite,” they whisper together, holding tight to each other.


	68. Chapter 68

If you want the truth, Dominique doesn’t even bother sleeping.  It’s 3:30 AM before she knows it.  Jesus had miscalculated the time.  They needed to leave the house by four o’clock.  Needed at least a half hour to get up, and lug bags out to the car.

Dominique thinks it’s best to get everybody waking up and moving ASAP.  So she goes out to the kitchen and starts singing softly.  This morning, something from the musical,  _Hair_ , seems appropriate.  It’s one of the first times ever, she’s sung for an audience, by choice, outside of Roberta:

“ _Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in, the sunshine in_ ….”  Dominique keeps going until Pearl comes out of the bedroom, half asleep but smiling.  While she gathers what she can to take out to the vehicle Pearl rented, Dominique keeps singing.

Dudley grumbles.

“Hey…that’s not polite…” Dominique hears Francesca reprimand Dudley softly.  “Do we have to get up now?”

“We do, yeah.  Breakfast, teeth brushed, and dressed, okay?” Dominique reviews.

Jesus climbs out of their fort first, and begins dismantling it, against Francesca’s giggling objections.  

“Hey!” she says, as the blanket roof sinks on top of her.

“I don’t really do well with rushing,” Jesus insists quietly to Dominique.

“I know that.  I’m sorry,” Dominique apologizes.  “Have some oatmeal, or something?  There’s still a ton left.”

“Fran, you want oatmeal?” Jesus checks.

“If you do,” she says back.  “I’m gonna go get dressed.”

“Okay, good thinking.  See if Mari’s moving in there?” Dominique checks.

“She’s not,” Pearl supplies.  “I don’t think she’s moved since last night.  It’s like she fell into bed and is in the exact same position.”

“ _Let the sunshine…  Let the sunshine in_ …” Levi sings softly.  He’s coming downstairs, freshly showered.  Always finds time to shower.  

“Hey, Levi can you help bring stuff out?” Dominique asks, carefully avoiding any mention of bags.

“Mine needs to be zipped, but if it’s not too big a thing?  Can I set it out on the porch, go back inside and can one of you zip it?” Jesus wonders.

“I got it,” Levi nods.

“Maybe not Levi?” Jesus asks.  “I mean, it’s cool you wanna help.  But there’s those cookies in there you hate.  So…”

“Right.” Levi nods.  “Thanks.  I forgot.”

“I got it,” Pearl fills in, letting Jesus bring his suitcase out to the porch and retreat inside with the door closed before she zips it in the porch light and carries it to the car.

At 3:50 Fran and Mari come out of the bedroom, dressed, carrying their toothbrushes.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Pearl asks, coming back inside.  “Here,”  she tosses a granola bar each to Fran and Mari, forgetting that neither one can catch, though both try.  “Sorry about that,” Pearl apologizes.

Francesca frowns and bends over, picking her granola bar up of the ground, and Mariana’s too.

“I thought you were gonna have oatmeal,” Jesus objects lightly.

“This is faster,” Francesca says, crunching the granola bar.

“I’ll eat the extra,” Levi volunteers.

It strikes Dominique it might be the first time she’s seen Levi volunteer to eat anything.

It’s 4:05 AM when they’re all in the car.  Dominique’s double-checking that Fran has her phone.  Her charger.  That she packed her toothbrush.  Pearl’s handing Jesus a box of S’mores granola bars for the road, in case his oatmeal wasn’t enough, along with his previously packed lunch bag.  And Levi’s spotting Mariana as she gets into the SUV.  Just standing back as security, should she need somebody to steady her, or a hand, or whatever.

They all have their same seats, Dom realizes.  Her and Levi in the back.  Fran and Jesus in the middle.  Mari in the passenger seat and Pearl driving.

“Bye, cabin,” Francesca offers sleepily, waving out the window.  “Everybody that wants to, say bye to the cabin.”

Dominique hears Jesus and Mariana join in.  Dominique, even, finds herself waving.

–

Francesca tries to get comfy, but it’s impossible.  It doesn’t matter that much because she ends up sleeping anyway.  She doesn’t want to.  She wants to be able to stay up and talk to her friends.  This is the last hours they’ll be able to talk face to face in a really long time.

But she can’t make herself stay awake.  When she opens her eyes, they’re still driving.

“Dominique, are you excited to see Roberta?” Francesca checks.

“Mm-hmm,” Dominique says from behind her.

“And your mom?  ‘Cause I’m excited to see your mom.” Francesca insists.

“Definitely.  I missed her,” Dominique says.  She has pink hair again, but Francesca’s less embarrassed.  She remembers what Jaimie said about costumes one time.  How dressing up can make you feel strong.  And maybe that’s why Dominique dresses up like that man with the chocolate bar when she goes to the airport.  ‘Cause she needs to feel strong, from all the scary things there, and strangers.

“You okay, Pearl?” Francesca hears Mari ask.

Pearl says she is, just concentrating.

Francesca glances at Jesus.  “You okay, Jesus?” she asks him.

“What?” he asks.

“Are you okay?” Frankie checks again.

“I don’t like driving in the dark…” he admits.

“Me, neither,” Pearl says.

“Me neither,” Dominique echoes.

“I know.  Let’s do what you did this morning, Dominique. Let’s sing songs about sun.” Francesca suggests.

“Check with Jesus first,” Dominique reminds.

“Jesus, is it okay with you if we sing songs about the sun to make you feel better about driving in the dark?”

“I guess.  Like, what songs, though?”

Francesca knows  _O Mister Sun_ , and  _You Are My Sunshine_.  Jesus says yes to those, so she sings them.  Dominique knows one called  _Here Comes the Sun_.  Pearl wants to know if anybody knows one called  _Walking on Sunshine_.  Mariana asks her how it goes, and Pearl says she can’t sing.  But she really can.

Levi and Pearl even sing it together.  Levi saw it on a movie one time and learned it so fast.  

Francesca checks on Jesus again.

He doesn’t look so scared anymore.

–

There aren’t that many songs about the sun.  Mariana’s just putting it out there.  And the closer they get to the airport?  The less she feels like singing.  The only good thing about getting home will be getting to see Jaimie, and maybe Roberta, if she brought her.

By now, Levi and Francesca have begun singing songs from  _Moana_ together.  It helps keep Pearl just distracted enough.  And since Jesus watched the whole movie, they know  _How Far I’ll Go_  won’t upset him at all.

Mariana can’t really talk to anybody when they’re all singing.  So she leans back and closes her eyes.

But it turns out?  That’s literally the worst idea she’s ever had, because when she opens them?  They’re at MSP.  Her stomach sinks.  She’s so not ready to say goodbye.

They’re ready to send Jesus and Mariana ahead together, with Francesca’s I-Pad and Jesus’s headphones so he can block out as much of the airport stuff as possible.   _Moana_ ’s almost two hours long, so Jesus decided yesterday, he’d just play that again.

Francesca’s a little jealous, Mari can tell, but she’s keeping it together.

Levi’s there, at the door of the passenger side.  “In case you need a hand,” he offers.

She nods, and manages to get to the ground without tripping or losing her balance.  It’s almost 7 AM now and Mari feels like she hasn’t slept at all.  

“I’m gonna go with Jesus,” she says, “But bye…”

Levi opens his arms and she hugs him, tight as she can.  “You’re amazing,” he manages, his voice breaking.  “How can it be time for you to go already?  You guys just got here…”

Mariana shakes her head.  Then takes a deep breath, and lets Levi go.  “Stay here,” she tells him.  

“Yeah, I know, I have to…” Levi makes a sad face.  Mariana’s pretty sure, anyway.  His face is a blur.

“No.   _Stay_  here,” she repeats. Tears sting her eyes.  “Don’t, like, give up, okay?” she fights through exhaustion, through high emotion, to get these words out.  Because she needs to say this.  “ _Stay here._   We’ve got you.”

“Okay,” Levi chokes out.  “I promise.”

–

“Okay, so…  This is yours.” Pearl tells Jesus, handing him the purple lunch bag.  “Do you have alarms set?  Something to remind you to eat?”

“Oh, good idea,” Jesus nods.  His head’s spinning a little.  He’s got his own backpack this time, that he can carry all on his own.  (Dr. H. would be proud.)  

He takes out his phone and in the end gives it to Pearl, because he can’t factor in time zones when he is so stressed.  “Can you figure this out?  Like when it’d feel like noon and five o’clock?”

“So, we’ll set these for 6 AM California time, 10 AM California time, and 3 PM California time.  That should at least hold you over until you get home.  And snacks at…we’ll say 8 AM for you guys, and 12:30.  You can always have dinner again when you get back.”

“Thank you,” Jesus says, beyond grateful that he can trust Pearl to help him with this stuff and that she won’t get mad at him for not knowing it.

“Jesus,” Mariana calls.  

“Okay, coming,” he says.  He walks ahead with Mariana, holding her hand so that they can get through the bustling airport safely and so that he doesn’t lose his sister, being all into  _Moana_.

The movie’s been playing a while, and they’ve found chairs, when Jesus spots Francesca crouched in front of him, waving.

He takes his headphones off.  “What?”

“I said, Pearl and Levi need to go.” Francesca repeats.  “If you wanna say bye.”

Jesus looks around.  Notices Dominique dressed in her suit, giving fist bumps to Levi and Pearl.

“See you,” she tells them, but somehow, Jesus gets that she’s telling them so much more.  

Francesca hangs all over Levi, who lets her and seems to love it.  Pearl gets a hug, too, from Frankie and Mariana.

Jesus approaches Levi.  “Hey, so.  If you need anything?  Call, text, Avoiders Chat,” he lists.

“Got it, yeah, I will.” Levi promises.  “One more hug or no?” he checks.

“Definitely,” Jesus opens his arms, pulling Levi in.  “You take care of yourself.  Let Pearl take care of you, too.  She loves you.”

“Okay,” Levi manages.

Finally, Jesus turns to Pearl.  Opens his arms, but stands back.  She goes into them; holds on tight.  

They don’t say anything.

They’ve done this before.

They know when there’s nothing left to say.

–

Pearl turns away before she can think better of it.  Levi keeps pace with her.  

Back in their own vehicle, it’s the better part of an hour before either of them speak.

“I miss them,” Levi manages.

“Already, I know,” Pearl confirms.  She tries to keep the tears out of her eyes as she drives.

–

It’s after 7 PM and Levi’s just gotten off work at SuperOne.  His anxiety was still up pretty high, especially with no Avoiders here to have his back.  But as long as Pearl still has access to Carla’s calendar, Levi can take comfort in at least knowing that if Carla’s working, too, she won’t come bothering him.

He nearly pulls into Frank’s driveway, before remembering that he’s got to live next door now.

Levi pulls up at home.  Slowly gets out of the car.  Puts the key in the lock, and opens the door, calling out to Pearl, so she doesn’t think he’s her mother.  “Hey, it’s me,”

“Hey,” Pearl smiles.  

It’s weird.  She looks genuinely happy to see him.

“So, I scheduled with the lock place, and, I took all your requests we talked about when we were driving home into account regarding your room,” she says.

“Oh, you meant that.  Like, today?  Like now?” Levi asks.

“Yeah.  Well, we want you to feel comfortable in there from the start, don’t we?” Pearl asks Cleo, who licks her sweetly.

“Can I check it out?” he asks.

“Please,” Pearl says.

Hesitantly, Levi goes downstairs.  The door to his room stands open, so he can see inside.  Plaid cream and green sheets and a comforter are there on the bed - the ones he said he’d noticed, and would like, as long as she wasn’t using them.  The drape thing is off his bedside table.  The chair is by a different wall.  Levi turns.  His closet door is open, and all his clothes are hung the way Levi had left them before Carla tore it apart.  The mess on the floor is organized.

“I didn’t snoop.  I promise,” Pearl vows.  “I just organized.  I’m kind of brilliant at it, actually.”

“I can see that,” Levi breathes.  “Thanks.  Oh.  I told Mari I’d call her when I came in here.  Kinda expected it to be more stressful.”

“Call them now,” Pearl encourages.  “Can I stay?  Say hi?”

“Yeah, of course.  Thanks for asking.”

Levi taps Mariana’s name in Avoiders Chat.  Then the video call button.  Waits.

“Hey!” Mariana greets, on her face is a smile that brightens Levi from the inside.

“Hey,” he says back.  “I’m in my room.  Pearl fixed it.  See?”  he aims the camera around.

“Nice!” she approves.

“Hi, Levi!” Francesca says, sliding into frame beside Mariana.  Levi can see that they’re outside somewhere.

“Hey, Fran.  Mari, where are you guys?” Levi asks.

“Avoidance,” Mariana tells him.

“Oh, no way.  Pearl, they’re at Avoidance…” Levi shares.

“Ooh, amazing.  Oh, my God, pink trees.  We may really have to visit sometime,” Pearl says, sounding more sure about the possibility.

“Hey, guys?  Mari, can I have that a sec?” Dominique asks.

Levi’s amused as the phone gets passed to Dominique.  “I wanted to introduce you both….  Levi, Pearl, this is my mom.”

A friendly face that reminds Levi of his own mom’s pops into the frame beside her daughter’s: “Hey!  Call me Jaimie.  Heard so much about you, two!  It’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you,” Levi and Pearl chorus.

“And this,” Francesca says, rushing between them and aiming the camera down at a kennel with an angry cat in it, “Is—”

“Roberta!” Levi says happily.  “Oh, my God you’re just as grumpy as I thought you’d be.  Dom, she’s just how you said.”

“I know,” Dominique grins.

“Is Jesus there?” Pearl checks.  

Jesus leans in so they can see him.  “Yeah.”

“How’d it go?” Pearl asks.  “The car ride and everything go okay?” she checks.

“It did.  We got to stop whenever.  So I could walk around.” Jesus tells her. “Jaimie was great.”

“Well, it’s a pleasure spending time with you kids,” Jaimie says.

“We miss you,” Pearl tells them.

“So, so much.” Levi confirms.

“Oh!  Locksmith is coming tomorrow,” Pearl tells Jesus.

“Cool,” Jesus says.  “Let us know if you need help covering it.”

“No, we should be fine.  Thank you, though,” Pearl answers.

“Hey, my battery’s gonna die, but it was so good to see you,” Mariana tells them.

“Plus, we gotta go to Mom’s birthday,” Francesca insists, off camera.

“So, later?” Mari asks.

“Yeah, later,” Levi nods, ending the call.

The silence feels loud in Levi’s head.  He eventually turns to Pearl.  “You know, I didn’t expect you to do all this right now.  I thought I’d help.”

“Is it okay?  I mean, did I overstep?” Pearl checks.

“No, I mean, we discussed it.  You let me have a say.” Levi tells her.

“It’s your room.  Of course you have a say.” Pearl nods.

“I just mean…thank you.  For taking me seriously.  For following through on this so soon.  It means a lot.” Levi tells her.

“Well, _you_  mean a lot.” Pearl reminds him, offering her arms.

Levi doesn’t know if Pearl realizes that he’ll literally never get enough of this.  Hugging his sister.

Sometimes, it still feels like a dream.


	69. Chapter 69

It’s quieter without the rest of the Avoiders here.

It’s Tuesday, the day after everybody went home, and Levi’s mom is serious about “making the lasagna happen.”  That means Levi has spent a good chunk of the last 24 hours freaking out.  Because what if his fear all those months ago - the one that drove him to wind up at Pearl’s door with bags packed - is really a thing?  What if he’s pissed off his own mom enough that she acts like Carla?  

If Pearl’s own mom can do what she did, no one’s mom is immune, right?  

He’s starting to spin, where his mind is telling him he’s got to be perfect.  They’ve got to meet at Mom’s.  Not here.  They’ve got to do what she wants.  And what if he says that, and Pearl can’t join, because of the stress?  Then, he’ll be alone.

This is something Pearl would wanna be here for.  But it’s also something she might contribute to, without meaning it.  And Levi has boundaries and choices and he gets to pick who to call for backup.

He texts Dominique:

_Help - Mom freakout.  Need code to deactivate ASAP :( Are all moms like her?  Is my mom gonna do the thing if I don’t do what she wants?_

Dominique texts back within five minutes:

_At work but Code = Your mom loves you.  Actual for real loves you.  She wants to spend time w/ you and wants you & P to be comfortable.  PS if you need to call my dad, that’s cool.  If you need some dad energy.  His name’s Michael.  Both Mom and Dad say it’s cool if any Avoiders need them <3_

Levi wouldn’t usually, but he needs to talk to somebody, and short of his own dad, he’s had no father figures in his life for the last two years.  There’s a number.  So, he calls it.

“Michael Williams,” a voice greets.  Sounds efficient, but light.  Happy.

“Yes, sir.  This is Levi West.  One of Dominique’s friends…” he hedges.

“Hey, Levi.  Call me Michael.  Dominique told us about you and your sis.  Pretty amazing.  How can I help?”

“This…it’s kinda embarrassing but I’m panicking…about something simple.  And I know it doesn’t make sense, but I can’t stop.”

“Ah, anxiety.” Michael breathes.  “We go way back.”

“Yeah?” Levi asks.

“ _Oh_ , yeah,” Michael confirms.  “So, we can just slow it down.  Take some deep breaths.”  He waits, but Levi is waiting too.  “See, to  _take a deep breath_ , you actually need to  _take in air_.  Breathe, Levi.  You got this.”

It’s Michael’s calm directness that breaks through.  And Levi’s able to take one breath.  Then another.  Then, he listens, as Levi rambles about how worried he is.  He gives the broad strokes:  “You know, like when you been hurt by somebody and then you gotta spend time with somebody else like them.”

“When you say, ‘like them,’ what do you mean?” Michael asks.

“I mean, like, say you got hurt…by a giant cookie…  And now you gotta spend time with another one.”

“I see…” Michael offers in a tone that makes it clear that he doesn’t see at all.  He’s confused, but he is hanging in there, with Levi’s terrible analogy.  Which Levi appreciates.

“Or maybe this one’s a pan of lasagna…” Levi muses.  “You know what, I’m not really sure.  It’s my mom, sir.  I haven’t spent time with her in a while, and I’m nervous she’ll resent that.  And take it out on me.”

“I see,” Michael says, like he does see now.  “And your mother…has she ever hurt you before?”

“No.  Never,” Levi answers, certain.  “But, someone else’s mom…”

“Ah, I see.  So, what’s important to remember?” he says.  “Is that your mother?  Is not this other mother.  What’s she said about seeing you?”

“She’s excited to come see us.  Me and my sister.” Levi reviews.  “But what if she changed her mind and expects us to come to her, and my sister can’t come with me, and I’m alone there?”

“Breathe,” Michael cues and actually waits until Levi’s able to draw a breath.  “If your mother changed her plans, she’d have let you know.  You have the most up to date info right in your head.  She’s excited to come see you and your sister.”  He pauses.  “Your mother,” another pause, “is excited to come see you and your sister.  That’s the truth.  When you feel your mind starting to race?  Repeat what you know.”

“That my mother is excited to come see me and my sister,” Levi says, testing it out.

“You got it.  That’s what you know.  All the rest of it’s noise.  Block that out.  A second at a time.  Those seconds will add up.  Trust,” Michael reassures.

“I’m so sorry for calling you like this,” Levi apologizes.  “Some first impression.”

“You wanna know my first impression of you?” Michael asks.  “Someone who means a great deal to Dominique.  Someone who knows his limits.  Someone who knows he can reach out if he needs help.  To bring in adults when things get too real.  You made a solid first impression.  You really did.”

“Thank you, sir.” Levi clears his throat.  Blinking back tears.  “You, um, you remind me of my dad…who’s…not here anymore.  Who I miss.  Very much.”

“Well, if you ever need some Dadness, you call me.” Michael says, his tone gentling even more.

“You sure Dominique won’t mind?” Levi asks.

“Nah, she knows the truth, too.  There’s always enough of Dad to go around,” Michael reassures.

“Thank you.” Levi repeats.

“Take it easy,” Michael urges, and hangs up.

It’s with Michael’s words in his head that Levi heads upstairs, scoping for Pearl.  He finds her on the couch, knitting.

Levi checks out the pantry.  Then the fridge and freezer.  “Pearl, the only ingredients we have on hand for lasagna are frozen corn and salt,” he points out.

“Corn?” she glances up, confused and then shakes her head.  “I keep forgetting it’s not traditional, with noodles and sauce and tons of cheeses.”

“No, it’s definitely not that,” he wrinkles his nose.  “And I definitely don’t wanna go to SuperOne on my day off.  Or, like, ever.”

“So,” Pearl says, thinking out loud.  “What do you think…about changing it up a bit?  Going to the County Market in town?”

“Farther away,” Levi points out.

“Yeah, but I mean, if it helps put our minds at ease?  Why not try it?” Pearl offers.

“Is your mom a County Market fan?” Levi asks, careful.

“Oh, no, SuperOne all the way,” Pearl reassures.  “She only goes to County Market if she absolutely must.  And then?  She always sent me in for her.”

“So…?”

“So, she wouldn’t step foot in there,” Pearl insists, confident.

“Okay, sounds good,” Levi nods.

They drive separately, because it still makes Pearl feel more in control than driving with Levi in the car, too.  He gets that.  In his own way.  Hadn’t he just avoided talking to Pearl about his Mom-panic because of all the ways she might remind him of Carla?

In the store, Pearl gets a cart and settles Cleo in the front, who smiles.  She loves all of the smells.

Levi lists ingredients from memory and Pearl finds them quickly, more familiar with the store than he is.  They make good time, and check out wherever they want, not worrying about avoiding a certain lane.  Or a certain person.

When they get home later, Levi exhales, and offers to put everything away.

“Thanks,” he says, hefting a couple bags in his arms.  “I think that worked.”

–

Pearl doesn’t want to let Levi down, but she is pretty sure, this hasn’t worked.  For one thing?  She has nothing to wear.  For another, the cabin is cluttered and nothing is right about it and also?  The kitchen?  Is tiny.  Only room for one person.  Two if one is small, like Francesca.

She’s made a third pass over all her kitchen surfaces when Levi comes to the kitchen doorway and just looks.  “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?”  Pearl asks.

“It looks like Cleo’s trying to get your attention,” he gestures.  Levi’s right of course.  Cleo has been trying to get Pearl’s attention for a while.  Front paws on her legs.

Taking the hint, Pearl abandons the cleaning and scoops up the dog, sitting in the middle of the floor.  Levi joins her, sitting so they can see each other eye to eye.

“I’m nervous, too,” he admits, softly.

“I have nothing to wear.  My hair’s not right.  The cabin’s…small.  Okay, it’s small, Levi.  The kitchen will fit one person cooking comfortably at a time, not three of us.  God, what was I thinking?” she vents, Cleo nipping at her shaking hands.

“Um…  Clothes are good,” Levi offers.

“It’s not funny, Levi.  My mother once dragged me into her house and made me change my top before she would agree to drive me to her stylist at her salon.  Who did not know the first thing about my hair, by the way.  It was an awful trip.”

“My mom doesn’t care about clothes.  She cares that they’re clean, and she’d prefer that they don’t have holes, but other than that?  She doesn’t care.  She’s gonna love your hair.  I know, because she was always talking about how with boys’ hair you can’t ‘do it up cute.’”  

“Well, my hair is definitely not cute…” Pearl remarks sardonically.

“And the cabin’s perfect.  Okay?  It’s homey,” Levi counters, predicting Pearl’s next comment.

“Are you sure you didn’t mean  _homely_?” Pearl insists.

“Will you stop, please?” Levi asks.  “I get that you’re wound up, but could you at least try to listen to me before you tell me what I say doesn’t matter to you?” he asks.

That stops Pearl in her tracks.  “I’m sorry.  I’m anxious.  I ramble.  What you say matters.  Maybe…” she breathes, experimentally slowly.  “Maybe we should try to slow down…” she suggests.

Levi nods.  

After Pearl has breathed for a while, he speaks up:  “So, I spoke to Dominique’s dad this morning…”

“Really?” Pearl asks.  “You spoke to Dominique’s dad?” She’s trying this thing where she repeats what Levi’s said, asks questions, instead of countering it out of panic.  “How was that?”

“He had some good advice…” Levi shrugs.  “If you want it.”

“Please,” Pearl says.

“He said to review what we both know about my mom.  So…” Levi takes out his phone, so Pearl can see the screen where Mom’s most recent text is visible:

_Excited 2 c u & Pearl_ with a row of hearts.

“That’s what we know?” Pearl asks.  “She’s excited to see us?”

“That is what we know,” Levi breathes.  “So, Michael, that’s Dominique’s dad, he said whenever we start to spin, to like, repeat what we know about my mom.  About dinner tonight.”

“She’s excited to see us,” Pearl fills in.

“That’s it,” Levi nods.  

He’s getting up from the floor when Pearl reaches out for his hand.  Pearl doesn’t miss the wariness that seeps into his gaze or how he takes a step back almost without realizing.

Pearl drops her hand.  Stays seated.

“I was just…going to say thank you.  I know we both have…things…and I know my trauma and stuff isn’t great to be around.  And it’s not your job?  But thank you, for helping me navigate that.”  Pearl clarifies, soft.

Levi blinks.  “Oh.”  His phone chimes with a message.  “Mom’s on the way, but she wants to know if you have pans or if she should bring them?” he asks, squinting.

“We do have pans in our possession,” Pearl nods.  “I’ve got to get up now.  Hardwood floors are not comfortable when you’re my age,” Pearl groans.

“You keep acting like you’re ancient,” Levi quips laughing gently.  He offers her a hand.  “But in 20 years, I’ll be your age.  It ain’t that old…”

“Oh, get back to me when you’re pushing 38, little bro, and we’ll see how you feel about it then…”  She grunts, having taken Levi’s hand and gotten to her feet.  “I’m gonna go get dressed.”

“She’s excited to see us and she’s not bringing pans.” Levi calls, as Pearl shuts herself in the bathroom.  The door is closed, but she can still make out his words from behind the door.  “And nobody’s gonna make you change.”

“Thank you, Levi.  Love you.  She’s excited to see us, and she’s not bringing pans,” Pearl repeats, loud enough for him to make out her every word.

They keep saying it to each other.

Strangely, it doesn’t get old.

–

Levi’s waiting by the window, watching for his mom’s car to pull in the drive outside.  The minute he sees it, he’s off the couch, calling, “She’s here.  I’m gonna go meet her.”

He doesn’t care how it looks.  Him, taking off out of the cabin at top speed, to help his mom carry in whatever she did bring.  With all his nerves about seeing her (and seeing her without Dad) Levi hadn’t quite expected just how badly he did need to see his mom.

Levi’s at her car before she even turns it off.

“Levi!” she calls.  “How are you, baby?”  she asks, and he very nearly reaches through the window to hug her, but she holds him off long enough to open the door.

Then, he waits for her to stand.  And grabs on.  “I missed you.”

“Oh, you’ve gotten so tall.  And you look happy.  Did you and your friends have a good time?”

“Yeah, we’ll tell you all about it.  Come in,” he invites, offering an arm.  “Oh.  Should I grab anything?” he asks, sending a smirk her way.

“Don’t act like you don’t know I got peach cobbler for dessert.  It’s in the case on the passenger seat.” Mom smiles back at him.

They get inside the house and Levi drops off the peach cobbler at the table.

“Pearl, this is my mother, Nia Major-West.  Mom, this is Pearl.” Levi introduces.  The smile on his face big enough to break it.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. West,” Pearl greets, awkwardly, shuffling Cleo’s leash from hand to hand, and finally managing a handshake.

Mom’s mouth drops open as she takes in Pearl.  “Oh, please.  Call me Nia.  You look just like Paris.  Both you kids do…” Tears spring to her eyes.  “He’d be so happy about this.  You know that, right?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Pearl answers.  “So, I’ve heard, from Levi.”

“So, are you better at the stove, or at assembling, Pearl?” Mom asks.

“Oh, I’m good, wherever you put me,” Pearl agrees.

“She’s really good at organizing,” Levi offers.

“Would you mind helping out with assembly, then?” Mom asks.  “I’m terrible at it.  Not patient.  And if Levi does it, he eats all my cheese before it gets on the lasagna.”

“That was one time,” Levi objects, laughing.  “I was like, 2.  Let it go.”

“What happened?” Pearl asks as Mom gets busy preheating the skillet.

“So, family legend says that once upon a time–” Levi begins.

“–The first time I ever made this lasagna–” Mom interjects.

“Yes, the first time Mom ever made this lasagna.  She was putting it together.  As you do.” Levi nods.

“Right.  As you do,” Pearl confirms.

“And she goes, ‘Here, baby.  Hold this for Mommy.’  And she hands me an open bag of cheese.  So, of course, she’s cooking and I’m thinking I’m the luckiest toddler in the world, probably, just stuffing my face.”

“Paris is taking pictures…” Mom adds, laughing.

Levi joins her, laughing, too.  “And you had no idea–” he gasps.

“None,” Mom’s breathless.  “Just turn  around and I’m like, ‘Baby, where’s Mommy’s cheese at?’  And what’d you say?”

“I mean, I told her the truth.  It was all gone…” Levi manages, still laughing.

“So what did you put on it?” Pearl asks.  “You can’t have your lasagna without the proper cheese…”

“Oh, we had cheese.  We had all kinds of cheese.  So we improvised.  Tasted fine.” Mom says, same as she always does.

“So when Rachael Ray said use whatever you have on hand…she meant that…” Pearl glances at Levi.  “So what did we go to the store for?”

“Because,” he teases gently.  “In order to use what you have on hand, we needed to have stuff on hand.”  

“Ah,” Pearl slaps her forehead.

“Just like your Daddy.  Needing his recipes.  Going to the store to stock up on all y’all’s ingredients.” Mom says, happily.

Though it is kinda tight in the kitchen, Levi kinda loves it.  Being close like this.  It feels like it used to feel.  Not empty.  With an extra person in their space it feels even more full.  Not like anyone’s missing at all.

The lasagna still tastes great, just how Levi remembers.  The peach cobbler’s amazing, and Levi and Pearl share about getting to hang out with Jesus, and Mariana, Dominique and Francesca.

Pearl texts and asks if Jesus would mind if they showed Levi’s mom the picture of all of them together.  Jesus says she can, and thanks her for asking.

Mom puts on her glasses and looks at the picture.  While Levi points out everybody.

“Now, whose baby is this?” she asks, pointing to Francesca.

“That’s Francesca,” Pearl smiles.  “She’s their sister.  Much younger, obviously, like Levi is to me.”

“She’s lovely.  And these two are the twins,” she says, noting Jesus and Mariana.  “And this one here is your friend who you spoke to her dad on the phone this morning,” Mom fills in, pointing out Dominique.

Levi smiles.  “Yeah, you got ‘em all.”

“Speaking of pictures,” Mom digs in her purse, pushing her dessert plate and coffee cup further on the table.  She finally takes out what she’s been looking for and hands them to Pearl.

Levi scoots in closer.  Hears Pearl gasp.  

He can see what she does.   Four pictures:  one of Dad holding newborn baby Pearl, smiling and looking younger than Levi can ever remember him being.  

“That’s the day you were born.  Said he couldn’t stop holding you.  Couldn’t stop staring at his beautiful girl.  His Pearl Evangeline.”

Pearl cringes.  “My middle name’s so awkward.”

“Dad chose it,” Levi fills in.  “He liked Biblical names.  But I guess your mom had already chosen your first name.  So he convinced her to let him give you your middle name.  He told that story all the time.”

Pearl’s mouth drops open.  “I didn’t know.  I feel so terrible for making cracks about it all these years.”

“Now this one,” Mom points to the next photo on what looks like her first birthday.  “Cabbage Patch babies were all the rage, and he searched high and low for one.  For hours, probably.”

“But days or weeks, if you asked Dad–” Levi interjects.  

“Right, so he found you, little Archibald Frances,” she points to the bald baby doll in a hat.

“I still have that doll.  He got it for me?” Pearl asks, incredulous.

“He did, yes,” Mom nods.

“I never knew that,” Pearl manages.

A third picture shows toddler-Pearl, holding  _The Cat in the Hat_  right side up.  Dad sitting with her in the rocking chair.

“Now, you were reading to him there.  Not vice versa.” Mom points out.  “Paris wanted me to be sure if I ever got to show you these, to tell you.  Two years old, and reading.  He couldn’t believe it.”

Levi watches as Pearl slowly flips to the last picture.  Pearl with her hair in braids.  Kissing Dad on the cheek.  “You started school early, he said,” Mom explains.  “You just turned four a few months before, but he got you into kindergarten.  He was so proud.  Your first day…”

“That’s it?” Pearl asks.  “I mean…I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful.  These are amazing.  I just…I wish there were more…”

“We all do,” Mom nods.  “But we’ve never been sure how many pictures you had with him, and these were all he had with him, when…”

“I understand,” Pearl nods.  “Thank you so much.”

“Thank you for letting me come out here and see y’all.  I’ve missed my Levi to bits.  So quiet without you and Dad around.”

“I know,” he says, looking down, a little regretful.

“But you’re happy.  I can see that,” Mom says, looking satisfied to know this.  Looking like she’s proud.  “And as long as you two have each other, I know I can worry a little less.”

“You should come again, for dinner,” Levi blurts.

“Yes.  You should.  We could make this a thing.  Family dinner?” Pearl tries.  “I know we’re not exactly family, but…”

“Oh yes, we are.  Levi, tell Pearl.  We are exactly family,” Mom says, putting an arm around them both.

“We’re exactly family,” Levi tells Pearl softly and Pearl laughs a little.

Holding the pictures between them like this, it’s almost like Dad’s in on the hug, too.

In fact, Levi can pretty much guarantee it.


	70. Chapter 70

It’s Saturday afternoon / evening before The Avoiders can touch base via video chat.  While Francesca’s allowed to participate in their chat, her time is limited to the small window on weekdays when she’s done with school and homework.  And not eating dinner, getting ready for bed, or anything else.

Weekends were better for everyone, and as Friday nights were already support group nights for the older Avoiders, Saturday seemed to be the best option for everyone.  It’s 8 PM in Minnesota, 6 PM in California, when all their video chats connect, and their screens fill.  Mariana and Francesca on top.  Jesus and Dominique, bottom left, and Pearl and Levi, bottom right.

“Hi!” Francesca waves.  “You guys!  Look what Dominique got me!” she shares excitedly, pointing to a small sloth toy, clinging to her arm.

“Aw, you got the sloth you wanted!” Levi grins.  “That’s awesome!”

“And it’s even better than a real one because I don’t need to feed it or clean up its poop!” Francesca announces, giggling.

“Ew.  Can we not talk about that?” Mariana asks.

“Sorry,” Francesca apologizes.  “So, is this Feelings Time now?”

“I thought so,” Pearl ventures.

“Good!  But I miss having it every day…” Francesca pouts.

“Us, too…” Levi nods.

“So, Mariana, how have things been there?  Any feelings about being home?” Dominique asks.

“Exhausting…” she sighs.  “It’s back to work.  Rehab.  Whatever.  Never a break.”

“You take a lot of naps,” Francesca points out.

“I need a lot of naps,” Mariana returns.  “Like when you get tired when you’re out walking around with Moms all day?  And you need to rest after?”

“I know….” Francesca hedges, biting her lip.  “I’m not saying you take, like, too many naps.  I’m saying…it’s scary.”

“Why?” Jesus wonders, concerned.

“Because I just worry a lot.  What if you’re sleeping ‘cause something’s wrong?” Frankie asks.

“What do you mean?” Mariana asks.

“Well, you were asleep when Moms first saw you, and Jesus and everybody else.  I wasn’t allowed until you woke up.  So, when you sleep now it feels kinda like that.  Like it means something bad.”

“Nope,” Mariana sighs, putting an arm around Francesca.  “It just means my brain gets extra tired now and I need sleep more.”

“Oh.” Francesca nods.

“Does that make sense?” Mariana asks.  

Francesca nods.  “It was Mom’s birthday,” she adds.  “The same night we got back.  There was a party at our house and all their friends came.  Mom’s friend, Jenna, celebrated the same day as her.  But Mom didn’t like it.”

“How did you feel about it?” Dominique asks.

“I gave her my letter and my card I made in Feelings Time that one day.  She liked the card, but she talked to me about the letter later and said she didn’t like me writing down that stuff.  That if I have a problem I need to just come and tell her.”

“Right,” Jesus scoffs.

“It was in front of Brandon and Callie and Jude and Mike.  It was embarrassing,” Francesca passes along.

“Where was I?” Mariana asks.

Francesca shrugs.  “With Mama somewhere, I think.  But the point is I can’t talk to her about this stuff.  Because she just gets mad like that.  I called Dominique after, and we talked about Harry Potter for coping.”

“Yes, you did.  That was a smart move.  I’m proud of you for remembering.” Dominique praises.

“I haven’t done The Thing since Grandpa’s cabin…” Francesca confides.

Pearl and Levi exchange a confused look.

“What’s The Thing?  If you wanna say?” Levi asks.

“My bad coping,” Francesca explains.

“Oh.  Well that’s awesome,” Levi smiles.  “How are you guys, Jesus and Dom?”

Jesus turns, raising his eyebrows at Dominique.  “You wanna go first?”

“Sure,” Dominique nods.  “My dad really loved talking to you, Levi.  He says anytime anybody needs anything, he’s glad to fill in as official Avoiders Dad.  Mom also wants y’all to know, she’s good with being official Avoiders Mom.  In case we need it.  Even though I said those weren’t a thing.”

“Aw,” Pearl grins.  “That’s so sweet.  But what about you?  How are things going for you?  Feelings or anything you wanna share?”

“Uhhh…” Dominique stalls.  “I missed Roberta.  I think she gained like 10 pounds since I was gone.”  She pauses.  “It’s good being back, you know?  In my space?  But it feels lonely.  I miss everybody.”

“We miss you, too,” Levi says.

“Did you see any kids with CP like me at your work?” Francesca checks.

“I have not yet this week, but I’ll keep my eye out,” Dominique promises.  “Jesus?”  

“Yeah…Mom’s birthday was wild.  Zero accommodations.  So there were presents all over the damn place, plus like, Jenna and Mom?  Were super drunk.  And I don’t feel super safe around drunk people.  But, like, try to talk to Mom about it and she’s all telling me it’s a party and I should loosen up and not judge her and her friends.  But it wasn’t like that.”

“You needed to feel safe,” Dominique fills in, sad. “So, what ended up happening?”

“Nothing, I mean, I just laid low with Dudley.  I couldn’t leave because we were doing a family thing once all the friends left.  But by then, all Mom wanted to do was go to bed.”  Jesus shrugs.  “It sucked.  I tried to just stay inside but then Moms were saying I wasn’t joining in enough.  Whatever.”

“And then Jenna started talking to you,” Francesca remembers.

“Yeah, she did.” Jesus nods.

“Like knowing who you were and asking you rude trauma questions.” Francesca insists.

“Jenna knew Jesus before that…” Mariana points out.

“She didn’t act like it.  She acted like one of those total strangers who asks me all the awful stuff.” Jesus points out.

Mariana cringes.  “I wish I would’ve known.  Could’ve found you.”

“That whole thing was too much, though.  Too loud.  Too much going on for too long.  You needed to lay low.  I got that.” Jesus insists, understanding.

“They should have let us go to Avoidance,” Francesca decides.  “Or over to your guys’ apartments, Jesus and Dominique.”

“But it was Mom’s birthday, and I missed enough of those,” Jesus sighs.  “Mom would’ve never forgiven me if I’d just left her party.

“It wasn’t your fault that you missed her birthdays,” Dominique points out.  “You missed your own, too.  A few of them.  You don’t make yourself do stuff you don’t wanna do, out of guilt for missing them, do you?”

“No, but…I mean, it’s not the same…” Jesus manages.

“Your feelings matter in one case,” Mariana points out.  “Why not the other?”

“Because…I don’t know.  It’s Mom.  I have to be there,” Jesus maintains.

“Sounds like that thing, to me,” Levi observes.

“What thing?” Pearl asks.

“Compliance?” Levi wonders, hoping he’s using the right word.  “The thing where you’re doing a thing based out of fear of what will happen if you don’t.”

“You’d be right,” Jesus admits.

“But Avoiders don’t force each other to do things we don’t wanna do.” Francesca reminds gently.

“Right, but I know you get the feeling where…that special thing we have in Avoidance?  Being an Avoider?  Everybody else doesn’t usually treat us like we treat each other.  They expect us to do stuff that’s too much.  Too hard.”

Francesca pets her toy sloth.  “I do get that.  A lot.”

“So, you felt obligated to stay even though you didn’t feel safe,” Pearl observes.  “That sucks.”

“It does.  But it’s life.  Kinda.  You know?  A big part of life is just muscling through.”

“But that muscle’s strong enough,” Francesca says quietly.  “The compliance one.”

“You’re right about that,” Jesus admits.

“You’re human,” Francesca offers.  “At Mom’s birthday, and all the other times, too.  Even when you’re not at Avoidance or with all the Avoiders.”

“Thanks, buddy.”  Jesus nods.

“Part of being human is having the right to leave an unsafe situation,” Dominique reminds.

“I know.  Right now, I know that, but then?  I don’t know.  It was really tough.  Are you guys disappointed in me?” Jesus asks.

“No,” Pearl says.  “We understand.  We don’t judge these things.  Or our friends.  We understand trauma.”

“Okay…” Jesus answers.  “How ‘bout you and Levi talk now, though.  How have things been for you guys?  How was dinner with your mom, Levi?”

Levi lights up.  A smile spreads across his face.  “It was pretty awesome.”

“Not Peanut Butter Cookie!” Francesca calls out, alarmed.

“No, Levi and I have different moms,” Pearl reminds.  “The one you saw at the cabin was  _my_  mom, unfortunately.  But Levi’s mom is very nice.”

“How come you don’t live with her?” Francesca asks.  “If she’s so nice to you?  I’m not asking to be rude, it’s just…in my family?  Most of my brothers and sisters came to live with Moms because their parents weren’t safe to live with.  But if your mom was?  Why would you wanna leave?”

“Because of my trauma…” Levi ventures, soft.  “And also because it was really lonely there without my dad…”

“Oh.  But you’re not lonely with Pearl?” Francesca checks.

“No.” Levi confirms.

“Oh, that’s good.” Francesca nods.

“So, how was the Mexican lasagna?” Jesus wonders.

“So good,” Pearl moans.  “Oh, my gosh, you guys, and you’ll never guess what Nia - that’s Levi’s mom’s name - what she gave me…”  Pearl carefully holds up the picture of her kissing her dad on the cheek, her first day of kindergarten.

“Aw,” Jesus says, laughing gently.

“Is that you and your dad?” Francesca asks, entranced.

“It is.  When I was little,” Pearl nods.

“That’s cool that she gave you that picture,” Dominique nods.

“Definitely,” Mariana confirms.

“She gave me a few, actually.  It was good.  We were a little nervous beforehand, weren’t we?” she asks Levi.

“Yeah, we were.  But then I called Michael and we talked.  I calmed down some.  It was really good to see my mom.  She wants to do this more often.  Come over for dinner.  Like weekly, or something.”

“How do you feel about that?” Dominique wonders.

“Happy,” Levi admits.  “I wanna see my mom again.  I’m ready.  And she wasn’t mad at me or anything.  But I still wanna live with Pearl.  Oh, which reminds me.  Pearl changed my room around for me.”

“I saw.  You still like it?” Mariana asks.

“It’s the best,” Levi enthuses to Pearl.

“Well, what are big sisters for?” Pearl says, shrugging off the praise.

“It really helps,” Levi admits - this time to Mariana.

“And you’ve been okay at the store?” Dominique checks.

“Yeah, though Pearl and I have been talking seriously about me maybe quitting there and going to work at another one nearby.  We went to County Market for groceries the other day.  It’s not so loaded, for either one of us.” Levi says.

An alarm sounds somewhere, and Francesca sticks her lip out.  “Sorry guys, I have to go.  Moms say I can only spend an hour of computer time a day.  If I break the rule I don’t get any.  Bye.”

“I’ll go, too,” Mariana agrees.  “Bye guys.  Miss you.”

“We miss you,” Levi tells her.  “And we’ll go, too.  But it was so good to see everybody.  We should do this again.”

“Same time next week?” Jesus wonders.

“Sounds good,” Pearl nods.

“See you next week,” Dominique says.

“See you next week,” Levi echoes.

–

The cabin’s quieter without the sounds of the rest of The Avoiders, but Levi finds himself content, throwing a tennis ball for Cleo, and watching her chase it and bring it back.

Pearl’s there, knitting.  “It was good to see everyone.  I miss them.”

“But at least we get to see each other,” he points out, throwing the ball again.

“Yeah.  Mom hasn’t bothered you again, has she?” Pearl checks.

“No.  I haven’t seen her since the day Jesus yelled at her, and even then, I didn’t really see her, you know?” Levi asks, turning to Pearl with raised eyebrows.

“I know.  Listen, if you do see her.  You can tell me.  If she bothers you.  Or if anything ever happens that doesn’t make you feel safe, you can tell me.  You’ll never be in trouble with me.  If an adult breaks your boundaries?  They broke a rule, not you.”

Levi keeps on throwing the ball, but he’s listening.  “What if it’s somebody you really respect?”

“Anybody who hurt you would automatically lose my respect, Levi.  No matter who it was.  I know how it feels, when somebody with power and influence and a good reputation gets away with something.  And the town feels like we are ruining them by speaking out.  But they ruined themselves, Levi.  By doing things that ignored our autonomy.  Our rights.”

“When you said we could talk about this…I wasn’t really sure you meant it.  Like, once all the rest of The Avoiders left…”

“I did.  I do,” Pearl says.  She sets her knitting aside.  “Do you feel safer now that the locks are changed?”

“For sure.  Assuming your mom doesn’t, like, have secret keys?”

“Jesus got the one she made herself,” Pearl cringes.

“Hey, speaking of The Avoiders.  I had this idea for something we could send?  I could make the post office run?”

“Show me,” Pearl leans over, to see Levi’s laptop screen and listens to him talk for a minute or two before saying.  “Oh, that sounds fantastic.  We can definitely make that work.”

–

A couple days before Jesus and Mariana’s birthday, Avoiders Chat pings.  Levi checks it.  There’s a picture of Dominique and Jesus’s wrists.  Soon after, Frankie and Mariana’s.  

Levi finds Pearl, asks if they can put their wrists together, to take a pic for Avoiders chat.  Pearl nods.

When they do?  It’s like a rainbow of solidarity - orange around Jesus’s wrist, yellow around Dominique’s, pink around Mariana’s, green around Francesca’s and purple around Levi and Pearl’s own wrists.  Silicone bracelets, that all read the same thing:

_Avoiders Unite_.

A reminder that they would always be together, even if they were far apart from each other.  

A reminder that time and space are nothing when you’ve found your people.

When you’re seen.  When you’re bonded, soul-deep.

For Levi, who once felt he was without a family, he knows for sure:  

He has one now.


End file.
